Part of the reason I created PMS was to answer every one of the dating and relationship questions I ever asked Google when I was at my lowest.

And because the common denominator of successful dating and romantic relationships is in-tact self esteem, the real root of my obsessive and very specific questions was always:

  • Finding a cure for feeling like I was never enough.
  • How to stop my obsession with winning and being chosen. I was always in some sort of passive competition to be chosen by a f*cktard. And when you’re in a position of someone having to choose you, you come to the relational table without any leverage. The requirement of being able to stay at that table is handing over your dignity to the person across from it.
  • How to stop being affected by every.single.blow of the emotional and relational breeze.
  • How to be confident enough to not only listen to but act on my instinct instead of remaining in the misery of prosecuting, negating, and avoiding it.
  • How to run out of f*cks to give when it came to my fears, insecurities, and just put an end to my unlucky-in-love “streak,” which had become a fancy word for “life.”
  • How to stop always being at everyone else’s emotional beck and call when no one was ever at mine.

Through the years, I’ve been asked so many dating, self esteem, and relationship questions from men and women that I’ve written about at length. I don’t ever write from any sort of psychological high horse. I’m human and I’m fallible. I still get painfully insecure, massively triggered, and I make mistakes every day.

The only difference between now and then is that I allow these things to be the experiences that they are instead of definitions to subscribe to. I no longer attract circumstances and people who cater to and affirm that subscription because I have unsubscribed.

I write to solidify what I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made so that I can help as many people as possible. I also write to remember my own advice.

Relationships fascinate me – always have; always will. And as much as I love to go in depth with singular questions and topics, I wanted to address 25 of the top dating, self-help, and relationship questions I’ve been asked through the years. I initially wanted to do 50, but I think it’s best to answer the second 25 in a future post.

I also made it a point to keep the answers as simple, quick, and accessible as the questions are real and relatable.

A long explanation isn’t always needed for something to click within and initiate a life-changing epiphany.

So here they are…

Your top 25 dating and relationship questions ANSWERED

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #1: How do you deal with mutual friends/your ex’s family after a breakup?

Mutual friends and your ex’s family are tough because it’s essentially like meeting with/talking to your ex. In many ways, it’s the closest you can get to your ex. There’s a connection there and whether they report back to your ex or not, these relationships can be very painful to maintain after a breakup when you are at your most paranoid, heartbroken and sensitive. Bottom line: If these people are causing ANY kind of discomfort or anxiety for you, my best advice is to kindly distance yourself from them. No one is going to think that you’re weak and if they do, they’re just trying to soothe their own ego from the shock of you doing the one thing that they least expected: Respectfully drawing your own line in the sand.

Trust me when I say there is nothing weak about having your own back and acting on what you know is best for you. Mutual friends and your ex’s Mother are not what’s best – distance is.

Yes, they can be a great tactical instrument in getting revenge, a certain message across, information, etc., but people aren’t instruments to play. They’re not your soldiers to deploy nor should you ever be theirs.

These people have their own agendas, fears, angles, loyalties, and lane that they may like to deviate from in the form of blurring boundaries. Stay in your lane – with blinders on – until you reach indifference.

The best revenge isn’t being bffs with his brother and Mom – it’s not giving a f*ck.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #2: Should you be bothered/is it a deal breaker if you start to date someone and they are still active on dating apps OR have their profile still open but aren’t active?

Yes, you should be bothered to an extent in the beginning because you are human and it’s normal. Just don’t act on that emotion right in the beginning or you will look nuts.

It’s only a deal breaker if:

  • They aren’t upfront – if they’re shifty, shady, deceptive, and secretive about it. Especially if you’ve brought it up to them, asked about it, and they keep it up.
  • They claim that they are exclusive with you and don’t delete their dating profile. Even if they’re not active on the app, the fact that they still leave the profile open is not only hurtful and disrespectful, it’s an insult and a very immature deal breaker.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #3: Is it a problem if my partner is following a bunch of Instagram booty/boob models and likes the photos? What if he follows but doesn’t like the photos? What if he follows and/or likes straight-up porn?

This is pretty amateur hour to me but I’ve definitely dealt with it. Whether your friends and family follow him or not, it doesn’t matter. YOU are following your boyfriend on social media. If it’s excessive and feels disrespectful to you, remember that this person is most likely NOT trying to directly disrespect you with any kind of malicious or concerted effort. He’s just showing you where his relational values lie. And that’s okay. You can fold at any time.

The only way out of being jealous/insecure-labeled is by acting on what you see instead of reacting to it and giving someone who has already proven to be empathetically compromised and completely fine with this kind of behavior, a Google map to your triggers, wounds, and insecurities.

Liking posts from these followed accounts is just taking it up an even more obnoxious notch. I mean, is this really sexy to you?  This is a grown adult who knows how social media works and knows you can see these things. If you’re in a relationship with someone and he’s also following a bunch of trashy accounts that make you feel worthless, why can’t he at least just LOOK at the photos? This whole thing of actually taking the time to like a photo, knowing that everyone who follows him will see the like (including you), is as mindless as a dog pissing on every other fire hydrant he passes.

For me personally, I would never involve myself with a man who had these kinds of values in the first place. It’s all just too much. A lot of women justify it by “appreciating the transparency” and “at least he’s not doing it behind my back.” And that’s fine. All I ask for is what I give and the denominator of what I consistently give is r-e-s-p-e-c-t. I personally don’t want to go follow and like a bunch of dick pics. It’s not my thing. There’s no judgment, it’s just not my cup of tea.

I no longer value my anxiety to the delusional level of confusing it with passion. I used to equate that kind of anxiety with “butterflies” but really, it was just me being in an all too familiar dynamic that was instilled in my childhood.

This kind of mentality will always value the reactions that can be mongered from their bros instead of the connection that they don’t know how to establish with the opposite sex. You deserve an adult relationship, not some virtual competition of keeping up with whoever he’s double tapping.

And if he’s following straight-up porn accounts knowing that you follow him… I’d say no thanks. Life is tough enough. There are enough distractions. If your partner is implementing his own while giving you and everyone who follows him a front row seat to it, it’s okay to leave the theater. This is a red flag as far as a mutual relationship goes – the kind that you claim to want and know that deep down, you deserve. Take out the trash. Stop dumpster diving so that you have a license to complain about the filth.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #4: What’s the best way to make a long distance relationship work?

Long distance relationships can definitely work as long as, according to BOTH parties, the distance is temporary. Communicate clearly and always be honest. Be transparent, be real, be respectful, keep it spicy with FaceTime, sexting, and VISIT each other as much as possible. It’s imperative to have a mutual end game as far as when/where there will no longer be physical miles between you. I have a close girlfriend who I just introduced to a close guy friend of mine. They are a 4-hour plane ride away from one another and have been communicating for just over a month. Within the first 2 weeks of talking, he planned a trip to meet her in New York and they are now communicating with the mutual knowingness of plans that have already been made. Long distance relationships should be progressive, not plateaued. And the best part about long distance relationships is if there’s any shadiness on the other end, at least there’s distance.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #5: Can you fall in love with someone who you aren’t initially attracted to?

Yes. This isn’t about settling or forcing yourself to be with someone that you’re totally turned off by physically (there needs to be some level of attraction). This is about understanding yourself and your triggers to the extent that you make the commitment to embrace what’s good for you and flush what isn’t.

It took me a really long time to learn how to be attracted to what was good for and uplifted me. I’ve never looked back since.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #6: How do you trust yourself and your partner?

Without respect, there can be no trust and without trust, the only thing left to do is play little league games. Trusting yourself happens when you build respect for yourself.

Self-respect is established when you prove to yourself that you always have your own back – And that you consistently do so in spite of the magnetic pull that your head, heart, and libido has to what may feel great in the short-term but what will end up disabling your capacity to respect anything other than your triggers in the long run.

Same goes for building trust with your partner  – If someone is consistently inconsistent, there will be no genuine trust or respect – for them AND for yourself as you succumb to the role of doormat once again.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #7: What if you’re in love with your best friend who doesn’t want anything more than friendship?

If you’ve expressed your feelings and they’re still pushing the bff card in spite of knowing how much you are hurting, you need to take a step back and cool your jets.

You also need to ask yourself how good of a friend they really are if they push the status quo while knowing that your heart is breaking.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #8: When should you have sex for the first time?

This is obviously a very personal question that may be specific to your moral, religious, and cultural influences. For me personally, I always tell people not to give it a set amount of time. When you do that, you become more focused on hitting a mark of time than you are a mark of connection.

Focus less on time passing and more on connecting.

Have sex when you feel as though it’s mutual as far as feelings, values and standards go. You should feel safe, secure, respected, and connected with/to. For me, it’s more about when I feel that connection than how much time I have to wait so he doesn’t think x,y, and z. Always turn inward – what do YOU think?

Also – make sure that before you have sex in between the legs, you’ve had sex in between the ears with this person. Emotional and intellectual sex/connection is so important.

Anyone anywhere can go get laid but coupling that physical connection with one that was preestablished between the ears makes it that much more mind-blowing and intimate. Have sex between the ears first.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #9: Should you leave it to the guy to initiate contact?

This is a little too tactical for me. You definitely don’t want to initiate all contact. You never want to overload and emasculate your partner or play games.

Men love an intellectual challenge, not a communicative one.

They also love when women initiate contact. This should be 2-sided.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #10: What if he has a lot of female friends?

It’s fine as long as they all know about you and both parties are respectfully boundaried and respectful of your relationship.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #11: What if he always texts and rarely calls?

Red flag with too much shadiness to see any light. Fold immediately.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #12: How do you communicate that you’re not looking for a casual hookup?

By translating through your words actions that you’ve been there, done that, and are looking for something substantial. If that scares the other person off, they’re not ready. Don’t tie your worth to getting a little league player to play at major league level just by taking him to an MLB game.

If they go along with it to get their needs met in the present moment, trust me when I say that there will be red and pink flags surrounding all of those accommodations. It’s your job to disable your triggers from blinding you. Know what you want, set your own standards and don’t settle.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #13: Can having sex too soon ruin the chances of a long-term relationship?

In my experience – at the right age with the right person, connection, communication, boundaries, and self-respect… I don’t think so.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #14: Should you only have sex if you are in an exclusive relationship?

This is a very personal question because it applies to your individual preference. Personally, I think commitment is key – Are they committed to being honest, communicative, valuing you, your health, and your emotional well-being?

If you have feelings for this person and know that if they slept with someone else you’d be crushed, you definitely need exclusivity to proceed.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #15: How do you handle seeing your ex and his new girl?

My wet bathing suit theory:

If you’re driving yourself up a wall, stalking the every social media move of his new girl, wondering if he’s a better man with a better girl, I want you to think about this: Imagine you got a beautiful bathing suit and you put it on. You never quite felt comfortable or totally beautiful in it and it wasn’t constructed that well, but it grew on you and you loved it.

You wore it proudly the entire day – in the ocean, playing beach volleyball, in the pool, on the sand, on a boat, back in the pool, when you peed in the ocean, etc. You finally get home, still wearing it. The bathing suit is dirty and still damp. It’s got ocean water, chlorine, sweat, and SPF all mixed in. You feel gross from being in it all day, so you immediately take it off, hang it up on your shower rod and take a long shower to clean off.

WHILE you’re showering, however, a new girl comes into your bathroom and PUTS ON (so gross), your wet bathing suit that you’ve been swimming in, sweating in, peeing in (who hasn’t peed in the ocean?) and running around in all day.

She may look way better than you did in the bathing suit – She may be able to fill it out in all the right areas and make it look sexier and more expensive and valuable than you ever did BUT…

It’s STILL your wet, dirty, and USED bathing suit that she’s wearing. Gross.

When you social media stalk the new girl or run into her and your ex, have some empathy and be the class act that you are. Don’t hate on her. She’s wearing your wet bathing suit and has no idea how dirty it is. She just thinks it was wet because it came fresh out of the washer.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #16: Is flirting with another girl cheating?

I am so much less concerned about labeling this as cheating and so much more concerned with the circumstances and level of respect and communication on both ends. I’m not the jealous type AT ALL but I am always the respect type.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #17: How do you forgive your ex?

Forgiveness is nothing more than accepting and adjusting your boundaries in light of that acceptance.

If I came into your kitchen and touched a hot stove, I would immediately accept that I got a bad burn and adjust my boundaries to never touch a stove again. I wouldn’t think that the stove burned me because I wasn’t good enough and touch every stove in every kitchen I went into just to make sure I wouldn’t get burned again.

Stoves are not meant to be touched and cats meow, they don’t bark.

Accept that you met a cat who cried woof and adjust your boundaries to no longer dating cats that claim to bark. Cats MEOW.

Forgive your ex by adjusting your boundaries and letting him/her go in peace.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #18: How do you deal with your ex wanting to be friends after a breakup?

You don’t. Even if you dated the Dalai Lama, you still need to take the time to heal, deal, and process. If this person wasn’t a good friend to you first and foremost in your relationship, trust me when I say that they will be a “friend” of very draining, doormatting, and diminishing returns outside of the relationship.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #19: What if my boyfriend still has a close relationship with his ex?

How close is close? I’ve dated men who were closer to an ex they shared a cracker with the year before than others who had children with their ex. If your partner and his ex do not have boundaries, FOLD. You will never be in a mutual relationship; always in a threesome. No thanks.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #20: What do I do if I’ve been ghosted? Did I do something wrong?

Unless you behaved like an obnoxious and abusive wild banshee, ghosting says more about the ghoster than it will ever say about the ghostee.

Follow up once and then be done.

Don’t ever waste time investigating why someone sh*t the communicative bed.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #21: Do you think it’s possible for a man to be in a long-term affair and still be in love with his wife?

I don’t have experience with this but I think it’s more about being in an obligatory/history/matrimonial/financial/guilt/comfort-induced idea of love and inverted safety than true love itself.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #22: How do I not carry the baggage from past relationsh*ts into my current dating life?

By ceasing to cock block your innate ability to accept. Stop arguing with reality. Be classy, don’t audition, and remind yourself just how much you would hate for someone else to bring all of their sh*tty and moldy baggage into your relational house.

You work too hard to keep your house clean and you don’t have the room for that.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #23: What do you do if he won’t commit?

If he won’t commit to whatever it is you want him to commit to, you need to do the one thing he can’t do and speak with your actions. Fold.

It shouldn’t take someone having to experience your absence for them to realize your value.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #24: What if he’s into things that I’m not into in the bedroom and makes me feel bad about it?

Red flag. What he’s wanting may be a red flag in and of itself but the biggest red flag for me is the guilt-mongering for something that you’re not comfortable with doing. Keep your clothes on and fold.

YOUR DATING AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS ANSWERED #25: How do I know if I’m being needy?

You know you’re being needy when you put your fundamental needs in the hands of anyone other than yourself.

Thank you all for your love and support of my Mom’s post, of me and my work, and most importantly… each other.

xx Natasha

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35 comments

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Been stalking this site waiting for the post since you announced it on IG, this is legit my hiding place. I fell of the white horse on Tuesday till yesterday and it’s been pretty hard, and disgraceful especially knowing that through all the talking and crying again nothing has changed. Anyways I’m so so so glad you created this site and have this new blog up, it really helps❤️❤️. I’m going to now try my best to stay on the white horse even though I see him and his “friend” flirting in class. Thanks Natasha for everything you do❤️❤️

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Hi Denise! 🙂 Thank you so much! Happy that it helped.

Yes – stay on your white horse always and just know that you are never alone. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for just being YOU.

All my love to you sister. xx

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Natasha,
I want to thank you, like really thank you and let you know how much you have helped me. The week before last, after 8 months and feeling like I was doing better, I hit a new low – crying, rehashing, obsessing, walking the hallway at work hoping to “accidentally ” see him to gain an ounce of validation with failure as a result for the 638913 time. Don’t ask me what triggered this. Then I went home and read your blog again, but I really read it this time – I didn’t gloss over the ‘self love/ self esteem” points that I breezed by before thinking “they don’t apply to me, never will happen, how do I let go, get him back”… yet never turning inward or working on me. And it all just clicked, it all finally made sense.
I went to work Monday with a new found sense of understanding this situation and the others before him. I stopped beating myself up. If I started to think about him I would turn the focus back to me. I didn’t walk any hallways seeking anything out. I internally forgave him, realizing he is the way he is for a reason, and as much as I liked him, it worked out the way it did and I am ok with, and accept, it. I just felt happier. I saw him twice out of the blue, smiled and said “hi” and kept walking. I think I hit rock bottom and now just have nothing left to give, or obsess over, or cry about. It is just a feeling of being lighter, after 2 years this is the best I have felt.
So thank you thank you thank you for having the gift that you do, and being the light that you are. From 3,000 miles away you have changed my life and helped more than you’ll ever know.
xox Christine

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Christine,

I am in tears. This means everything to me <3 I am so happy and for and proud of you. Thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂

Thank you for existing.

BIG love and hugs from Los Angeles. xxxx

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Thank you Natasha 🙂

I do have a question. At what point did you stay being ok? Like no more good days/weeks followed by bad ones. But you just remained
good and kept feeling good?

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Hi Christine!

I still have bad days all the time and write about it here on the blog often. I stopped subscribing to my fears and negative belief system the moment I was more terrified of staying where I was at and experiencing more of the wash-rinse-repeat SAME, than I was of making the commitment to change and implement standards.

I don’t know if this helps? I hope it does. I wish that I had the time to get into it more on the comments. Thanks for understanding 🙂 xx

Thanks! Looking forward to your book 🙂

:)! Thanks Christine xx

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Christine!!! What a major breakthrough!! Go you! Loved what you said ab intentionally turning the focus back to you. This inspired and encouraged me so much! I find myself asking the same question you did… kindof like “have we arrived!?” Can we just stay in this strong healthy place!? Natasha, love your honest response. I don’t have answers for that but I keep being reminded that all of life is a process. That fear is debilitating in that process. Living in fear that this newfound confidence and indifference will cave Bc it’s only a phase and not a long term solution. (I SO get it.) Bc the draw is so strong to want to return to beating ourselves up and accepting crumbs and getting the upper hand by playing games and trying to get attention. It just feels familiar and safe. But it’s toxic. TOXIC!

You have proven that you know EXACTLY what to do in this situation. You just keep ON. This reminds me of a Brene Brown talk (highly recommend the podcast “The Power of Vulnerability”) where she talks ab a friend who experienced a very painful conversation and instead of reacting emotionally she said to herself PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN to bring it back to her frontal cortex (rational thinking) away from her emotional fight or flight response. I can just picture you using a “code” word every time you see him to bring you back to Natasha’s posts that have helped you so much. You’ve got this girl. You don’t have to go back to the “old” way Bc you have the power to change it. Sure bad days will come but they don’t have to own you or drown you like they did before. You are on a new path and you are an inspiration to us all! 😘

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I LOVE seeing this love and support <3 xoxo

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Thank you KP! I had a great week when I wrote this, but then the last few haven’t been so great. But hey, I used to NEVER feel good so I definitely feel the wheels are getting unstuck. I am going on vacation for over a week which will be a nice mental break. I like your advice, of thinking of code words, and mentally training myself to stop the same mental conversations. I am trying to heal from all of this, and I’ve realized it goes back way further than this jackass. Like waaaay back!
Thank you for the support, I will come back to this post and it will help me get my head in the right place again!
I hope you are well and your situation in life is good! Sending much love your way xox

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I LOVE YOU !!!

hehehehe this made my day:

“You deserve an adult relationship, not some virtual competition of keeping up with whoever he’s double tapping”

I have all your quotes saved on my notes.
love u ! amazing amazing!!!

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I LOVE YOU TOO! 🙂 Happy it helped!! Thanks Catherine xx

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I am going through a horrible breakup that seems will never end. I am currently 3 months into No Contact and I was convinced that I would always be broken and hurt. I thank God for Natasha and Post Male Syndrome these posts have given be the courage to remain strong , know that this too shall pass and to forever stay on my white horse…. xoxo

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It will pass and you are never, ever alone. You are loved, supported, appreciated and understood. Thank YOU Austin, for your love and support. xoxo

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Natasha…you are amazing!❤
Christine …I’m so glad you are a feeling positive..I am where you were…looking for validation from him..considering getting in touch which I know is a huge mistake…
Help! X

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Thanks! I think sometimes we have to learn the hard way, so I understand that you want to reach out to your ex.
For me, I always felt worse after, it was like trying to elicit emotion from a brick wall.
This post helped me a lot:
https://postmalesyndrome.com/when-you-feel-like-you-have-no-control-or-shame-after-a-breakup/
Good luck! xox

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Takes one to know one 🙂 Thanks Lara! xx

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Hi Natasha. I love this post because it makes sense and because it is something we all think about. At least I have. I am not sure I will ever date again but this information can also be helpful in other relationships. Boundaries is something I have applied base on your wisdom Natasha.
In this post, the question regarding long distance relationships and also the example of the swimsuit already being worn were so helpful to me. I still struggle after 8 months wondering if he is better with another woman than with me. Your words helped so much. In addition I remember you also noting that change does not happen fast and a lot of men are incapable of change.
All you wisdom comes through in all your posts. I too am grateful. I am not sure I am riding the white horse daily but I can tell you I have not reached out to him ever again. I know that would have been harder had I not been reading these words of wisdom.
Thank you Natasha again. I appreciate all the energy and compassion you give in your words. I am looking forward to the next questions and your book. Love you, miss you know I will always be supported by me. Be well for now.
🌸💕🦄😍

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Linda,

I truly wish that I could put into words not only how much I value, love, and appreciate you but just how much every one of your comments mean to me.

I am so proud of you. You did/are doing the right thing and you WILL date again. You will.

Missing you everyday.

Love you sister! xox

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Thinking of you Linda. I have great weeks then bad ones, 8 months on. To say I’m completely drained is the understatement of the year. I would do anything to be ok again, and it’s not for lack of trying or implementing this advice. I just can’t get past the hurt, I don’t realky know at this point if I will. He gets married soon. He’s happy while I barely make it thru the days !
Anyway sorry to vent. I remember you from a few posts ago… just wanted to say to hang in there. You will date again! One day it will all come together for you xox

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I love seeing this love 🙂

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Dear Natasha and everyone on here,

Yet another wonderful and generous post full of common sense and wisdom that we, who search for answers because we are at the end of our wits, seek in the most darkest hours. In this crazy world, thank god for Google making that connection that led us here, where we all found you, each other and a soothing ointment for our open wounds that so desperately need closing and healing. It’s like finally finding someone who does not think we are crazy and who hugs us and tells us, stop, breathe, think and listen to yourself. Everything will be ok. I think there is a hurt child in all of us and we all need to show it love and kindness and never turn away from it ever again when it is crying and screaming from the pain we inflict on it by making poor choices and are acting as if we were blind.
Still, the road to healing completely is a long one with many obstacles. As long as we get back on it when we stray, right?
I finally went to see a therapist this week. I was doing not too bad but not too good either. While I was talking and bawling for almost 2hrs, she was drawing something on her little board and at one point flipped it to show me. There was a stick man with a fishing rod with a huge hook and a worm and there was this fish….It was simple but such a powerful visual. She said the emotionally unavailable/ narcissist/ sociopath/ psychopath fish with tasty worms and we, the fish in the bountiful ocean mistake that for real food. She was great and I did feel like a child safe in mother’s arms. That night I finally blocked him and this time it is for good. No more nonsense. When I think of him, all I see is her drawing.
I am so thankful for having this place to come to, especially in my weakest moments. It saved me from a lot of self-inflicted damage and lighted the way on that path to healing when it got dark.
Thank you Natasha and all of you.

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Hi Michelle! Your therapist sounds incredible. I’m so honored and happy to be included in your realizations and healing.

Thank you for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone.

All my love to you. xx

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I think you need to re-introduce yourself on this blog as Natasha Adamo: Complication’s (and general all-around bullish*t’s) Worst Nightmare!!!! Thank-you for simplifying everything for us. It’s so easy to get caught up in so much unnecessary melodrama – even if it’s just all in our heads. xx

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LOL thank you! Love you so much Amy 🙂 xx

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Dear Natasha,
I’m 25 and fresh after a break up with a guy (27 yo) who used to be my best friend. We met and were together more than 1,5 year and it clicked right away. After perfect 1 year (he even wanted to ask me to marry him) things started to change. He became selfish and unpleasant especially when I didn’t want to agree on his terms. We lived on emotional roller coaster for few months. I got a feeling that he gave up however from time to time (I guess when I did what he wanted me to do) he was the same guy as during our first year together.
Two weeks after breaking up he visited me. We talked few hours about everything like in old times and then said that he realized it’s all because of his egoism and he wants to change, but he didn’t mention coming back together so I asked for no contact. He broke it twice during last two weeks, but only because he “missed me”. I deleted him from all my social media profiles and keep no contact rule but I’m devastated and can’t stop crying. It’s been more than a month now and only 2 days ago after our last conversation I realized that it’s over for good. I don’t feel that it’s a “normal” breakup. I lost my best friend as well. How to deal with that?

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Hi Magda!

I wish that I could answer but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section.

Thank you for your love, for reading, and for your understanding. Other readers are here to support you and I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Link to it is on the home page.

All my love to you sister.

You are not alone xx

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Magda

I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. Your roller coaster ride and the way he has seemed to distance himself from you and then totally disrespected your boundaries of no contact sounds a lot like narcissistic tactics. Research narcissism and see if it fits; and if it does then run like hell and do not look back. I know I sound insensitive right now, and I know you’ve lost your best friend on top of the relationship. But ask yourself: how should a best friend behave? When you see the world through the eyes of the narcissst (by researching) you realize all those roller coaster rides are games. They’re strategy. They’re scripted. He’s playing you. You are worth MORE than that. I know it hurts, but instead of agonizing over his latest plea to win you back….. take some time for yourself and read as many of Natasha’s posts as you can. She has one on narcissism and that’s actually how I found my way to this beautiful soul who saved my life from obsessing ab everything that doesn’t matter and drags me down. You’re dating PMS BLOG right now, ok!? Lol. Ignore him and read up on what you can do to become a more powerful, confident, self-respecting woman. That is your strategy. This is your lifeline. Turn him off until you find yourself and then you will know what to do. Xoxo

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Hi Natasha,
What an incredible inspiration you are. I wish I found you months ago when my life literally shit the bed. I google searched everything and anything but nothing like your blog/site even manifested/revealed itself. In all honesty the stuff that did “pop up” did not feel “real” to me. When one is already reeling in pain (no matter the circumstances) the same “blah blah blah” advice DOES NOT WORK. While we may be able to “relate”, and the rational side of ourselves instinctively “knows better”; we as vulnerable, fragile, disrespected, unappreciated and often self-tortured people, do not have the insight to “STOP the MADNESS”.
I am mortified (not simply em-bar-assed!) to admit that I found myself completely “out of control”, acting like a girl in high school. Trust me the pain now, draws me back to my first love and subsequent heartbreak, and the next and the next, and so on…..
I am a mature woman with a beautiful family, a horrible and painful (first) divorce behind me, and yet here I am at “ground zero”, AGAIN!!!! I have been in (I guess I need to say, “I was in a relationship..”) long term relationship and subsequent second marriage (that I never thought I would do again. What??? Allow myself to be vulnerable, completely trust someone again, with not only the gift of “me”, but my heart??? My “true self”, and “give it all up”; meaning sharing every secret t and/or insecurity that I had NEVER told anyone my whole life. Some of the “cats out of the bag” where not even apparent to me, until I gave them words, and therefore reality, and then momentum, and finally “power”. But I felt “safe” because I was finally trusting myself to share (reveal) everything with my partner, my husband, my best friend. WHY WOULDN’T I? I learned from my first marriage, admitted my faults, weaknesses, shame (to myself) and took almost a decade to figure “that” all out and learn the “lesson”.
HMPHF!!!!!
I now realize that both of my husbands were emotional vampires and self serving, emotionally unavailable, narcissists’, perhaps even borderline sociopaths. (A word so commonly thrown around these days, it’s frightening.) To make this comment come full circle, I gave in to my fear (my inner abused frightened child with huge abandonment issues; yes I am acutely aware of them; therapy for years….it helps! It totally sucks; but if you have the right therapist, and you are ready to “do the work”; ie: look at yourself, identify with yourself, reveal your self, and then try to figure out WHY you are so Fu—d Up…..it can be a a wonderful experience.)
Off topic again…..anyway, the reason that I am writing to Natasha is to say THANK YOU for voicing what we all feel when we encounter emotional distress and heartache: insecure, beat up, tired, sad, worthless, frightened, angry, humiliated, ashamed….and every other emotion in between.
What we don’t feel is: loved, worthy, respected, dignified, beautiful, smart, engaging,beautiful (inside and out) , appreciated, loved, understood, valued…..and so on.
WHY????? READ THIS BLOG and gain some insight. Use the word Fuck-tard because it works! F-U-C-K-T-A-R-D! that in itself is of immediate relief and value…..or at least for me. Lol.
Natasha, do you have any past posts/blogs/discussions where you address the issue of being truly “blindsided” by your man? or woman? How do we pick up the pieces when our partners have dropped a bomb (literally mind blowing bomb) on us, and have invalidated EVERYTHING that we have created as our way of life, maneuvering as a couple, a team, with children, and families, and work, and trying to be the best version of ourselves, day in and day out—-working, struggling, fighting our (own) inner demons so that we might trust ourselves fully, and therefore our spouses….only to discover (I shit you not-ten years with this man. Co-mingled families, second marriage for both of us, extended families, friends….the minutiae of “life”) that your partner, soul mate, the love of your life, stepfather to your children, lover in your bed, captain of your fan club, pillar of strength, and center of your universe, your dreams, your very REAL FUCKING LIFE….is a shadow of a ghost of a person that maybe, just maybe, you would have met at a party, chat a little, and then decide that this person was just “not your cup of tea”. How could THIS person (cruel , irreprehensible, volatile, bitter, lying cheat of a man) be the same person that you shared your life, laughter, fears, doubts, joys, and ultimately “YOURSELF” with, only to be blindsided and fucked over in a way that you could NEVER anticipate??? WTF????
This truly does happen, it happened to me. My husband changed the course of our lives, that of our families, our children, and life as we knew it, the future that we dreamed,, we worked towards, manifested together (as a family) be shot to shit in fifteen minutes. FIFTEEN LONG SHOCKING TORTUOUS INCREDULOUS minutes. Tick tock. Tick tock. POOF!
Forever. Gone. Blindsided. Dismissed. Deleted. Obliterated. Dead. Forever.
The rational me, the girl in therapy, every version of myself, for better or worse, truly knows that this is “about him and not me”…and yet the grief is unbearable.
I think that I have said enough. Thank goodness for Natasha. I have never engaged in anything like this; commenting on any type of consumer comment let alone a “strangers wall”….odd.
Lol. And yet here I am …………..see ya FUCKTARD!

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I want to hug and high-5 you right now. Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. I laughed and cried while reading your comment. I’m so happy that the posts have helped! You are never alone. I’ll try to write a post on this soon 🙂

All my love to you sister. xoxo

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THIS:

Through the years, I’ve been asked so many dating, self esteem, and relationship questions from men and women that I’ve written about at length. I don’t ever write from any sort of psychological high horse. I’m human and I’m fallible. I still get painfully insecure, massively triggered, and I make mistakes every day.

The only difference between now and then is that I allow these things to be the experiences that they are instead of definitions to subscribe to. I no longer attract circumstances and people who cater to and affirm that subscription because I have unsubscribed.

This is why we love you so. And why everything you offer us here is so helpful…. because you are so real and genuine and humble about it. CUE the 25 tips…. y’all LISTEN to this WOMAN! She has literally changed my perspective on life and relationships. Which, let’s be honest… realtionsships ARE life; so she changed my life course. Natasha, I am forever grateful for you and your insight more than you will ever know! 😘

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Right back at you 🙂 Your love and support mean everything to me. Happy that you love this post as much as I loved writing it!

XOXO

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P.s. my biggest takeaway “ It shouldn’t take someone having to experience your absence for them to realize your value” !!!!

This speaks to SO many relationship issues. It speaks to Hollywood movies and the way we perceive/think ab true love.

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🙂 XOXO

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