So here’s how it would go: I’d start dating a guy that came into my life on his white horse, took charge, made my heart skip beats and I’d gush to all my friends about how in love I was and how amazing he was and blah blah. Fast forward a few weeks/months into the relationship and I was doing his schoolwork for him, helping him schedule his days, schedule doctor appointments, loaning him money, checking up on him, playing detective going through his emails trying to see if he was lying to me, having to have “talks” with him explaining why it hurt me and why it was inappropriate that he got black-out drunk, stayed out all night, made out with the bartender and didn’t call. I was his on-call, 24-hour therapy dog that made it my #1 job to understand the psychology behind his emotional unavailability and his actions so that I could make excuses for him to myself, my family and my friends. I’d give him “ultimatums” and tell him that “I wasn’t going to put up with his behavior,” and that “next time, there wouldn’t be a next time.” HA. Yeah, riiiiiiiiight. There was always a next time.
I would get so frustrated because I’d spend so much genuine love, care and time explaining to him how his actions hurt me, why the things that he was doing were disrespectful and he’d just keep repeating the same behavior and using me for (these are just some examples over the years) the school papers I’d write for him, the money I’d loan him, the understanding and empathy I’d provide, the moral support and for an anytime hookup. This in turn made me extremely insecure and I’d find myself snooping, checking up on him and having to verify everything he said with my own investigations. It was a full-time, exhausting job.
I had gone from girlfriend of the hot man to Mommy Dearest of the unruly, overgrown Peter Pan that needed assistance in understanding the difference between right and wrong.
This also happened when I was just dating guys and not even in a relationship yet. I’d be so desperate to be ‘boyfriend and girlfriend,’ that I’d find myself bending backwards for these guys I knew for a hot minute. I’d make excuses for everything.
Now, I no longer claim the mommy/manager/life coach/psychologist/principal/moral ambassador role nor do I have any desire to. So how do you do it?
How do you find a MAN that you won’t have to police and do this crazy sh*t with?
First, you need to understand why you’re doing it and why he keeps behaving in ways that “require” you to do it.
And it all boils down to this:
When you equate being needed with being wanted, you will always be involved with a douchey, hot one minute and cold the next, unavailable guy that continually uses you and never sees your worth. A guy that you’ll always have to “mommy” and that you will continually have to educate what the difference between right and wrong means and why the most obvious acts of disrespect are indeed, disrespectful.
His behavior doesn’t change because it doesn’t matter what you say or what you threaten to take away. Your actions translate to him that none of it is real because you always STAY and in case you forgot, they teach you “actions speak louder than words” in preschool.
Now looking back, I believe that I actually enjoyed it. I didn’t enjoy being used, but I definitely enjoyed feeling like I was needed.
I tried to convince myself that because I was feeling so needed, that must mean that I wasn’t really being “used.”
I thought that because a guy needed me, that meant that he wanted me.
WRONG AND WRONG.
And as long as I could busy my mind and schedule up with worrying, excusing, analyzing, stalking, investigating, schooling and caring for his emotional and physical needs, that meant that I didn’t need to focus on the disaster that was MY OWN life. It diverted attention away from my own issues and it also made me the perpetual victim in the story of my life; the “unlucky” one with men, which further justified why I did the things I did and romanticized my heartbreaks.
So how did I kick the Mommy sh*t for good?
I decided to invest in, be responsible for and take control of the only thing that I could: myself.
I began to translate through my actions that I wouldn’t be involved with a user. I began to recognize that these guys have parents of their own (and even if they didn’t, there is still no excuse) and that there is no reason to ever have to micromanage or mommy anyone.
The most important thing was that I began to translate through my actions that I DIDN’T NEED ANYONE nor did I want to be involved with ANYONE that needed me.
And because I started to provide myself with everything that I needed, I was able to be around people who I truly wanted to be around. I realized that I was attracted to men that needed me because it was like taking a really cheap insurance policy out on rejection and abandonment. Even if they left me, it didn’t matter because they still needed me; they’d still be in touch. So in a way, they could never “fully” leave.
When you don’t need people, you allow them to feel safe in being vulnerable. You also uplift them and make them feel special. We are all energetic beings and we can all sense when there’s no agendas or needs. Feeling truly wanted is so powerful because it’s such a rarity to find.
The “projects” that I made all of these guys and the amount of building up, encouraging and helping I did…. I started to do that for me.
Ask any guy – the sexiest thing is when a woman WANTS them. When there’s a need, someone will always end up depleted.
My mommy-ing habit stayed so strong for so long because just like I would attract guys that used me, I used them in a way too. I used them as an excuse to not work on myself and build own life (because I was so busy checking up on them and every fart they released), and I used them to validate the story in my head that I would never be good enough for anyone.
Be the girl who has her sh*t together, that provides for herself everything that she needs and then goes after what she WANTS because once you get there, believe me when I say that you will do so without the desperation or that life-or-death urgency that everyone can smell from a mile away and that only attracts users.
You will have actual confidence that users can no longer thrive around. You’ll begin to attract the right people into your life because you’ll validate yourself through your own accomplishments, not micromanaging and trying to control other people. xo.