Ever had a boyfriend or an ex tell you: “You made me do it,” “I wouldn’t have done it if you were more….” “It’s because of what YOU did. That’s why I had to do it,” “If you were a better (fill in the blank) I wouldn’t have done it,” “You made me cheat!” “You made me watch porn!” “You made me get so angry that I got blackout drunk and made out with the bartender,” “If you weren’t so crazy, I wouldn’t want to talk to my ex,” etc. ???

“Friends” and parents do this too: “Well, I know how you are so I figured It’d be okay,” “You made me very upset/dissapointed,” etc. x infinity.

I remember years ago, I was dating a guy that was 22 years older than me. He was a distinguished, George-Clooney-handsome, interesting, accomplished, multi-lingual, world-traveled, Ivy League educated investor that in his 40’s, despite all of those qualities, was still the “you made me do it” guy.

Here’s what you need to know…

You and your actions can’t make anyone do anything.

You’re not a wizard, you’re not the universe and this is not a Disney movie. You don’t have the authority to assume responsibility for the way that another adult chooses to behave. Your actions are not that influential that you will MAKE a grown adult with free will and a free thinking mind, do something that they KNOW isn’t right.

Yes, your actions may have encouraged someone to behave a certain way, but at the end of the day, it’s.still.their.own.decision.

The reason that people get addicted to reciting the “you made me” bs is because as long as they can get you to believe that you actually made them do it, all of the blame is on you and as you deal with your “issues,” they can go on being who they are and doing what they do.

But just as other people need to be responsible for and own their actions, you need to own yours and stand by the decisions you make. Someone cheats on you? That’s awful, but it doesn’t MAKE you set their stuff on fire. We all have control, well all NEED boundaries and we all know the difference between right and wrong.

This used to be a pattern for me that proved to be very destructive. I would blame and beat myself up for what other people did and didn’t do; I would make it all about me.

When I addressed my people pleasing and began to see that people’s actions were independent of my value, life got way easier and much more enjoyable. 

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14 comments

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This opened my eyes so much and it’s something that I have to remind myself. You don’t “make” anyone abuse or disrespect you. Ever. Love this Natasha.

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I’ve always struggled with this. I’ve come to terms with this and totally dealt with the ex boyfriend cheating/ shady friend, that were both “pushed” to do what they did. That MADE me open my eyes and now I just go into things knowing there are consequences. This is just such a great post because people, no matter who, love to put blame on others!

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I could not agree more. Do you ever feel GUILTY for what you “made” someone do? That is the WORST!

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I needed to read this today. It’s so hard to not blame ourselves for someone else’s actions, especially when you’re cheated on/lied to by multiple boys. This post honestly helps so much, bookmarking for future meltdowns

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Like I was saying to Britney, it’s the worst when YOU end up feeling GUILTY for what you supposedly MADE them do? How crazy is that?

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I KNOW RIGHT

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Preach! Everyone needs to own up to their actions and stop blaming everyone else!

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AMEN GIRL!

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Hello Natasha
I have been reading your posts for the past few months and I thought I would leave a comment and tell you I genuinely appreciate your writing. It’s easy and fun to read. It’s real. And I love the fact that you stay away from the “politically correct” because we all have that bs going on everyday and everywhere. It’s nice to find a place (this blog) where everything is sad just the way it is. Your writings have been a great help. Thank you and please keep writing.

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Hi Abi!

Thank you so much for the love and feedback! I promise to keep writing 🙂 xo

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I am recently out of a relationship where the unavailable man dumped me 3 times. I am learning what I did wrong and what kind of man he really was – your blog has been so helpful for me and gives me great reminders to help move through this. I come to your page everyday. Thanks for your candid, no BS posts. They have been so reassuring and calming for me. I will keep returning.

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Thanks Jackie that means so much to me 🙂 xoxo

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I had this guy I was seeing, it was very casual ” hook up buddies” for three months, ( I was emotionally unavailable and so was he) then he started blowing hot, and I began getting feelings for him. He started making me think that he really liked me, said things ect. Kept me on my toes for sure. I started to really like him, and wanted more from the relationship. He told me that he didn’t want to get attached to anyone right now, so we drifted apart for 5 months, and neither contacted the other. Just this past April, he was working on my neighbors home, he sent shakes through my body just by looking at him. I thought that after our split, my feelings would have dissipated, instead, they actually got stronger ( of course). Needless to say , we started talking, he accused me of “disappearing ” and vanishing on him. We started chit chatting, he asked me out for coffee to ” catch up” but he never nailed down a date or time. But he came over to do a job for me, so we were in contact quite a bit. He made it very obvious that he wanted into my pants, with things he would say. I remained neutral for most of the month. I was trying to do all the things girls do to get a guy, not call him first, ect. But still no date. After about a month, I slept with him, we always had great chemistry, and everything seemed to click, being together was effortless, hardly any awkward moments ect. I really liked this man. I told him I wouldn’t be intimate unless he was available and unattatched, or seeing anyone else. He said no, he was available. After we slept together, I hadn’t heard from him for like 6 days, which I thought was odd, seeing how we connected almost every other day. Then my friend looked up his facebook profile ( I dont have one), and there he is….in a relationship with another woman for over a year. My heart broke, I called him on his shit, and went no contact. He showed up at my house , and made every excuse possible. I was the other woman and didn’t even know it. I felt sick and betrayed. I saw no real valid reason for him to lie, he was always direct with me before. I fell in love, even though I was not in a relationship….Is that normal? I mean….i feel really silly. Has this happened to anyone else? I found out that this wasn’t the first time he cheated on his gf, and she knows what he’s like, and stays anyway. Part of me still wants to win with this man……. I feel so sad.

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Hi Carolyn! I’ve been through something very similar. You are doing the right thing by cutting contact and speaking with your actions. This is someone that can’t be trusted and had no problem being deceitful. The only reason that you still want to “win” and be chosen is because this experience has depleted you of your self-esteem. You’re not alone. Turn inward and take care of yourself. Thanks for reading xoxo

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