Ever had a boyfriend or an ex tell you: “You made me do it,” “I wouldn’t have done it if you were more….” “It’s because of what YOU did. That’s why I had to do it,” “If you were a better (fill in the blank) I wouldn’t have done it,” “You made me cheat!” “You made me watch porn!” “You made me get so angry that I got blackout drunk and made out with the bartender,” “If you weren’t so crazy, I wouldn’t want to talk to my ex,” etc. ???
“Friends” and parents do this too: “Well, I know how you are so I figured It’d be okay,” “You made me very upset/dissapointed,” etc. x infinity.
I remember years ago, I was dating a guy that was 22 years older than me. He was a distinguished, George-Clooney-handsome, interesting, accomplished, multi-lingual, world-traveled, Ivy League educated investor that in his 40’s, despite all of those qualities, was still the “you made me do it” guy.
Here’s what you need to know…
You and your actions can’t make anyone do anything.
You’re not a wizard, you’re not the universe and this is not a Disney movie. You don’t have the authority to assume responsibility for the way that another adult chooses to behave. Your actions are not that influential that you will MAKE a grown adult with free will and a free thinking mind, do something that they KNOW isn’t right.
Yes, your actions may have encouraged someone to behave a certain way, but at the end of the day, it’s.still.their.own.decision.
The reason that people get addicted to reciting the “you made me” bs is because as long as they can get you to believe that you actually made them do it, all of the blame is on you and as you deal with your “issues,” they can go on being who they are and doing what they do.
But just as other people need to be responsible for and own their actions, you need to own yours and stand by the decisions you make. Someone cheats on you? That’s awful, but it doesn’t MAKE you set their stuff on fire. We all have control, well all NEED boundaries and we all know the difference between right and wrong.
This used to be a pattern for me that proved to be very destructive. I would blame and beat myself up for what other people did and didn’t do; I would make it all about me.
When I addressed my people pleasing and began to see that people’s actions were independent of my value, life got way easier and much more enjoyable.