I used to be the Floyd Mayweather of excuses. I was undefeated. No one could make up an excuse quicker than I could. I would even make up excuses for the excuses in my dating life. My favorite excuse was the “busy” or the “a lot of things going on” excuse. “Busy” was a great excuse because as long as I was too “busy” or he was “busy,” that not only meant that we had sh*t going on (which was admirable, a total ego inflation and accountability eraser ), but it also justified having to put off commitment, having to show up, having to match words with actions and having to deal with the truth which was always (when stripped of all of the bs excuses), painful.
I was more comfortable making excuses for the guys I was dating than actually feeling the short term pain of getting real with their behavior and moving on with my dignity in tact. I learned the hard way that the level of excuses made in a relationship (whether they be excuses you make for yourself or for others), is directly related to how healthy the relationship is.
Excuses are tough because when you’re wanting a commitment or just the validation/reassurance from him that you both are even on the track to a commitment or that you both feel the same way, etc., if you aren’t understanding or accommodating to their “excuses” which are delaying your happily ever after (they will never refer to them as excuses and they will get angry at anyone who does), you automatically become the uncaring, impatient, immature one that doesn’t understand and that he will all too quickly “need a break” from so he can return to being the “victim” with ‘These Hoes Ain’t Loyal’ being the theme song to his delusional, all-about-me life.
Excuses allow people to “buy time,” waste your time and use you while you “wait” for them. Excuses devalue having to keep your word, follow through, commit and actually be accountable. Excuses allow f*cktards to continue being who they are and do what they do while still being able to portray themselves in a positive light due to their admirable “excuse” of the moment.
Excuses are a cheap way of avoiding conflict, accountability and having to deal. So why are you a magnet for people who spew out excuses with the ease of breathing air?
Your relationships will always reflect the relationship that you have with yourself. You have to examine the relationship with yourself. Do you make excuses for yourself? I used to make excuses for myself without even being conscious of it.
I was therefore attracting friends and men that had drunk the excuse kool-aid too.
We attract what we exude.
If you continually makes excuses for yourself and/or others, you will always be a person of inaction.
Excuses make everything seem so much more impossible and complicated than it really is so that you get clouded by all of the excuses and never really do anything because as long as sh*t’s “complicated,” you have a perfectly justifiable reason to “stick it out” and not take action because you don’t want to face what your gut already knows.
The worst is when you start to make excuses for the other person’s excuses.
I remember my epiphany with excuses came when I was dating a successful doctor that was perfect in every way….. but had an excuse for everything. He was the man that was so “busy,” I oftentimes felt inferior. No one I knew was THAT busy. No one I knew was THAT unlucky to have so many ’emergencies’ repeatedly come up. After hearing him blame his “busy schedule” for the 8746283746 time, I hit a wall. I remember for once, not giving myself the “come on Natasha, you have to be understanding, he IS a busy guy” speech and I started to realize what I knew all along but could never admit: He wanted all of the benefits of a relationship (a date when he needed one, a hookup without having to put forth any effort, open ears that would listen to him, etc.) but he didn’t want to actually have to show up, be accountable, responsible and be in a relationship with me.
It was so hard for me to face the truth because it negated everything he was telling me that he wanted. So, I just assumed that there was something wrong with me.
I finally got the courage to communicate to him that I knew he was a busy guy, but that this wasn’t going to work because he clearly doesn’t have time for a relationship. That was the first time I had ever rejected anyones behavior and although I was alone, my self-esteem grew because I had empowered myself by walking away from behavior that made me feel bad.
Excuses hide truth that people are too avoidant and scared to directly express. People may not agree with what you have to say, but they will always appreciate honesty. There is a difference between being brutally honest and being kindly honest. There’s never a need to be brutal in your honesty. Stay on the white horse and be real with yourself first.
And never think that you “did” anything to cause someone to make excuses so that they could withhold having to give you the relationship that you deserve.
You’re beautiful. Don’t change.