This is the last post in a 3-part series of posts on Narcissism. In part 1, we established what a narcissist is, in part 2 we discussed the difference between an emotionally unavailable and a narcissist and now, in part 3…

I want to discuss my own narcissism (yes, you heard right) – why I was a narcissist, how I identified my own bullsh*t and how I conquered it (“conquer” may have been a bit too strong of a word here. I just like how powerful it sounds. As you can tell I’m in a mood today. Reality is, I’m still a work in progress, but I have progressed out of my past narcissism. I still have slip ups, I’m human).

So, was I all those things that I defined a narcissist to be in my previous posts? Well, in a way, YEAH. I totally was.

Guys I’m telling you, the emperor really has no clothes over here.

Do I still find myself repeating old behaviors that are that of a narcissist? Definitely. The only difference between then and now is that I’ve gotten to a point where when I slip back into old thought patterns, I can catch myself before I act on those thoughts. I can talk myself off the “let-me-just-humiliate-myself-further-and-hand-over-my-dignity-on-a-silver-platter,” ledge.

Was there ever a time that I thought people should feel lucky just to be graced with my presence?

Never, not one time in my life.

So how the hell was I a narcissist then and how might you be a narcissist, even though you’re not going all out of your way to let the world know how fortunate they are to be in your atmosphere??

Up until a few years ago, I literally made everything about me even though I had dangerously low self esteem. I was what I like to call, a “reverse narcissist.” I was super cocky in thinking that whatever happened, didn’t happen and whatever anyone else did (or didn’t do) was and how I just wasn’t good enough.

I wasn’t going around doing all of the classic things that narcissists do, but I was already emotionally unavailable myself and I was such a reverse narcissist, I convinced myself that everyone’s bad and hurtful behavior all pointed back to me being a loser and a failure in every department in life.

Being a reverse narcissist (guys – this is a term that I’ve totally made up. I’m not a clinician and like I’ve said, I’ve never even taken one psych class, I’ve just had my heart broken a few times – more by myself and my own insecurities than by others), is a tough thing to be. It’s tough because when you are a reverse narcissist, you’re also a people pleaser and you have very low self esteem, self love and boundaries.

You don’t “make it known,” that everything is about you. You only make it known to yourself… in a reverse, self-deprecating, let’s-create-some-bad-luck, kind of way.

When someone hurts you, instead of seeing the person for who they are, you always relate it back to you not being good enough.  

And if something good happens, you obviously don’t trust it and you find yourself in a perpetual state of waiting for something to go wrong  (i.e. him cheating on you, leaving you for his ex, your job falling through, your BFF moving onto a new bestie, etc.).

Reverse narcissists are some of the kindest people you will meet. They give give, give and give. They are professional doormats and you’d never think that they were making everything about them because they truly are ALWAYS thinking about others. They love to play “wronged victim # 1 that always gets hurt and is on an eternal search for happiness,” in the story of their life. They’re professional victims. 

Reverse narcissists are super chaotic. They thrive in chaos and they think that they’re so powerful (even though they feel powerless), that their “not being enough,” actually makes other people disrespect them. They’re also impossible to have genuine relationships with. I know because for the majority of my life, I was one of them.

The thing is, whether you’re internally making everything about you or externally doing so, that’s STILL making everything about you and no matter how you want to look at it, guess what? It’s narcissism.

So how do you go about putting an end to the reverse narcissistic era of your life?

This is how:

  • Acknowledge.
  • Take accountability.
  • Understand that other people’s actions have NEVER been about you. The only thing that you can do is allow and enable behavior that was preexisting. For example – I could never, ever abuse an animal no matter how mad I got. Ever. Some people, even though they say that they could never abuse an animal, may kick the dog if they get mad enough. No one could come along and just MAKE them kick the dog. The capacity to abuse an animal HAD to exist within them prior. How people CHOOSE to behave is ALWAYS independent of you, your worth, your looks & your abilities. Aim to always remember that and your life will be infinity times easier.
  • Learn how to be loved and accept love. It used to be easier for me to love and give gifts than it was to accept genuine love and gifts because I didn’t know how to give genuine love (and the gift of friendship), to myself.

Let go. Be kind. Breathe. Forgive.

Remember and repeat this to yourself as the New Year approaches:

It’s never about you. Ever. 

When you realize this, it’s like a giant exhale that your body goes through. You’ll feel a peace that you never thought possible and you’ll accomplish way more because you’ll have all this free time that used to be occupied with obsessing over everyone and everything.

And THAT is YOUR happily ever after. (Drake “0-100” playing as you have a dramatic and beautiful ride off into the sunset on your own damn white horse). Hair flip, The End.

Look out for my New Years post tomorrow and look out for another (!!!) giveaway coming soon 🙂

I hope that you are all enjoying the holidays so far. Post Male Syndrome would really, truly not be what it is without each and every one of you. I love your love.

x Natasha


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This post was so amazing because it described so perfectly how I have lived the majority of my life!! To see that you were once like this and have completely transformed into the incredible person you are today just gives me so much hope and momentum.
I have an album on my phone with a bunch of screen shots from your blog so I can quickly reference certain quotes or paragraphs when I start to feel myself having a “moment” and I think I pretty much screen shot the entire thing lol
You have been such a blessing in my life and have already helped me so much!!!!! xoxo


Thank you so much Catherine! xoxo


Agree 100%! 🙂


You are such a gift, the only thing that has been keeping me sane the past few weeks have been your incredibly uplifting and insightful posts. My reverse narcissism makes dating such a living hell, things will be going well with a dude and when he decides to be inconsistent or drop off the map so suddenly even Houdini would be shocked, I somehow find the most inoccuous bullshit to blame myself on: I texted too much/not enough, must’ve not looked as hot on the last date, maybe he didn’t get that last joke/meme I sent him, should I have been more understanding (read: more of a doormat) about his busy schedule? Maybe he disappeared cause I wouldn’t agree to Netflix and Chill? It’s honestly exhausting but so default for me it makes any rejection more painful because I shoulder the full weight of the blame and completely believe the million and one self-concocted reasons as to why he left. I think I need a break, my unending need for validation from men has made dating treacherous waters to navigate through. Thank you so much for your posts, you hold each and every one of our hands with every heartfelt and powerful world. Happy New Year <3


Hi Josie! Thank you for reading and for your sweet comment :))

I totally used to be there. I get it and it is SO exhausting.

You have a such a high level of self-awareness and all of the necessary tools to get off this hamster wheel and break your habits/pattens. I believe in you. You’re not alone. Thanks so much for the love and Happy New Year to you too babe xoxo


NATASHA! I am a reverse narcissist. Thank you for writing this you are brilliant and you REALLY need to write a book. I hope that you have a very happy New Year. You deserve it all!


I’m on it 😉 Happy New Year to you too! xx


This was excellent. Clearly, I’ve been a reverse narcissist all my life, and now it finally makes sense why I constantly compared myself to every girl he spoke to/interacted with when I was with him or even after we broke up. Another fantastic article (as always)!

This article also reminds of a section from Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly (I love her books!): “When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be loveable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose…And I also understand how grandiosity, entitlement, and admiration-seeking feel like just the right balm to sooth the ache of being too ordinary and inadequate. Yes, these thoughts and behaviours ultimately cause more pain and lead to more disconnection, but when we’re hurting and when love and belonging are hanging in the balance, we reach for what we think will offer us the most protection.”

Happy New Year to you and PMS! 🙂 xxxx



Thank you so much!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that quote. It’s so beautifully written and so painfully true. Thank you for sharing :))

Happy New Year to you too xxxxxx


So that’s what’s wrong with me!? Yes, I’m an empathetic people pleaser who puts others first. I don’t see my self worth so I settle for the UNEMOTIONAL selfish types because that’s all I feel I deserve. And growing up with a Narcissistic mother, it is Familiar to me to be treated LESS THAN. I am moving forward and recognizing my worth finally!
Thank you so much Natasha for giving me the AHA moment. I am a recovering reverse narcissist too…


Hi Kristin!

Exactly, you get it. It makes me so happy to hear that these posts are serving you. Thanks for the love and feedback 🙂 xoxo



Your blog is absolutely amazing and this piece in particular spoke to me in so many ways! I have never been able to identify myself or why I think the way I do but after reading about your idea of “reverse narcissism”, I possess these qualities and hope with the continuation of reading your blog I will be able to pull myself out of the dark space I am in. Thank you!!


Taylor, you made my day! I’m so happy to help 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe and for taking the time to reach out. All my love to you soul sister. XOXO


hi, this article really helped me a lot, so i want to express how wonderful this was, reading through it all! i do, have a small question, however? i really hope you don’t mind me leaving it here!!

the last person i was close to was definitely a narcissist, and recently, the devalue and discard phases hit me hard, and i’m trying to pick up the pieces. i think i’m a reverse narcissist, so… do you think that my reverse narcissism is to blame for my ex narcissist discarding me and moving on to someone new? there’s a very big part of me that’s trying to make sure i wasn’t the abusive one in the relationship, because the thought of making anyone so uncomfortable to the point of disappearing totally from my life really sickens me. so… as i said, if a reverse narcissist is in a relationship with a narcissist, are they to blame / abusive as well??


Hi Zara!

I wish that I could answer your question, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details to answer sufficiently. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone XOXO


I truly love all of your blogs! I was reading this one and you sayhow people choose to behave is always independent on you? Are you meaning they treat us based on our value, looks, etc. because I feel that would be treated based on who we are.


I’m so silly I answered my own question. Lol!




It’s funny how I relate to more than one aspect of it. Turns out, I am a people pleaser but, by some strange alignment of the planets I’m a narcissist AS WELL as a reverse narcissist! Your post made me acknowledge who I am and even though it seems confusing how to get out of it, I surely hope if I stay tuned the answer to that will come too! But acknowledgement was a big step. Thank you SO much for that


So happy it helped! Thanks Anmol 🙂 I have more recent posts that help with this and will write more soon! xx


I think that your posts are spot on. I have one disagreement with this one, though. (And I recognize what you’re going for with the overall thrust of the piece, which is supremely important and right on.) Saying “It’s never about you. Ever.” is a problem. For people-pleasers and reverse narcissists (and I’m one of ’em for sure), we DO often think that it’s our fault/responsibility/obligation. That other people’s happiness, security, joy, health, life are burdens on us. When, in fact, it’s not our cross to bear.
But it’s also important not to overcorrect in the other direction. Because anyone, even an overly considerate people-pleaser, can sometimes act like a jerk. In which case, by the ‘it’s never about you. ever’ standard, someone’s anger can just be breezily waved away with a “That’s about YOU, not me.” And that’s not ok. We all have the capacity to be jerks; it’s important to recognize when one is being one.
To be clear, that’s in no way excusing of someone’s ill-behavior. (And goodness knows that we [people-pleasing, codependent, reverse narcissists] are super good at gaslighting ourselves.) But important also to carve out some space where we can ask, safely, “Hey, was I in the wrong there? Is that why they got upset with me?”
Think your posts are terrific and hope to continue enjoying them!


Hi Tim!

Thanks so much! ? I agree with you.

I wish I had the time to get into the details but yes there is an exception for everything. I have covered this in many other blog posts as well – You can definitely provide a fertile environment for someone to act/feel a certain way, but how people ultimately choose to react is a reflection of them.

I ALWAYS advocate to take responsibility and clearly communicate. I even talk about times that I’ve been a total jerk.

Thanks for being a part of this tribe ?


Hey Nat, 🙂

Great post, which opened my eyes. From one side i understand very well what you say and explain in this post and i agree, but from another side…..there are some question that come in my head while reading it. I would be happy to hear your opinion about them if possible.

So the first one…you are saying that ” Understand that other people’s actions have NEVER been about you. ”. I got it , but what about the fact that there has also situation where a person can bring the best or the worst out of you? What is the difference ?
And my second question is …let me give as an example the following situation….a girl who is really obsessive and jealous all the time of her boyfriend. She doesn’t give him any free space….so at the end he cuts her off….and i would say for very UNDERSTANDABLE reason. In the same way she can tell herself ” he is an idiot for leaving me, his decision to leave me has nothing to do with me” ,but apparently that not true.

Do you understand what i mean? Will it be possible to explain the differences? I would appreciate to hear your oppinion. 🙂

Thank you,

Kind reagrds,



Hi Sandy!

I will try to write a blog post on this as soon as I can. I wish that I had the time to answer in depth (thank you for your kindness and understanding). Yes – a person can bring out the best/worst in us but how we CHOOSE to act is on US. I don’t understand the second question but will try to address this soon in a blog post. I do address it in others.

Thank you for your kindness, love, understanding, and support 🙂 All my love to you sister. xx


Hello Nat , 🙂

Thank you for your response! That would be really helpful, if there is a post in which the differences between the situations are explained.

So about my second question. For example , a girl who is very jealous and does not leave any free space to her boyfriend, and at the end he just leaves her because of her obsessive jealousy.
My question is how can we know, make a difference, that for a certain situation it was more our own fault or more the others people fault , that brought a certain consequences?
Like you have written above ” Understand that other people’s actions have NEVER been about you.” , but in the situation , with the jealous girl , which i have described… in my opinion its not valid. Because yeah…its actually about her….about HER jealousy…..

Hopefully i could explain it a little bit better and you can understand what i am asking.

Thank you once again for your response, support and help!



Hi Sandy,

This is a very specific instance, but it sounds like you are referring to someone responding to being suffocated. How people choose to react and behave in accordance with that reaction is on THEM. If someone is getting suffocated and they leave to go get oxygen because they don’t like being smothered, that’s one thing. If they decide to smother you and take away your proverbial oxygen as a result of you doing it, that’s another. Regardless, the way people chose to behave is on THEM – good or bad, dignified or immature. I wish I had the time to write more I am sorry I don’t have the time to elaborate. XOXO


Thank you a million times for this post. I have been enlightened and a heavy cloud has been lifted. I’m having such a break through moment, I have been digging and digging for answers to what seems like fated issues in my relationships and this has given me light and freedom. Blessings.


Hi Latoya!

So happy it helped!! 🙂 Thank YOU for your love, support, for taking the time to comment, and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you sister! xox


Natasha, I am 7 days post break up and have been glued to your blog. Thank you for putting things in perspective for me. You have opened my eyes and I also appreciate the humor in your writing during this sad time – that I am actually starting to realize is not so sad. I’m picking up the pieces, focusing on self love and setting boundaries. You do not know how much you have helped me. You are a true God-send and I mean that will all of my heart. Happy Holidays to you & your loved ones. Much love and gratitude. ❤️


Hi Ellen,

Your beautiful message made me tear up. Thank YOU from the bottom of my heart for being a part of this tribe 🙂 You are loved, supported, understood, and never alone.

I am so happy and honored to help. Happy Holidays to you and yours too! All my love to you soul sister. xx

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