We’ve all been there. The “FINALLY” phase. You meet a guy and everything is so HOT, so right, so “be-my-baby-daddy-NOW” and so effortless it’s unbelievable except it’s not! It’s true and this is FINALLY (!!!) you’re reality. You’re on perma ovulation mode and the ‘honeymoon phase’ that everyone always blabs about being so short-lived is the never-ending REALITY that you get to live every day! Who needs Paris? You could be happy sitting in a shoe box with this guy. Maybe this is what you’ve been missing. This just feels so different, so RIGHT!

You have to restrain yourself from telling the world just how f*cking HAPPY you are. You’re farting Eau de LOVE perfume and skipping through the “finally-my-prince-has-arrived-I-see-why-it-didn’t-work-out-with-anyone-else” fields. You’ve hit the mega jackpot and for once, you’re with someone that KNOWS just how lucky they are. FINALLY. Although it might be a little premature, he tells you that he loves you and tells you all about the future that he wants…with you!!!

You’re on a high from the future that he talks about with you and you remember everything he says and each one of the promises that he makes. This fills all of the voids and the unresolved pain of every past abandonment, rejection, breakup and insecurity because by having a guy that’s this amazing and that’s this into you? I mean… come ON. That definitely means that all of those past issues, events and beliefs hold no validity any longer. FINALLY.

Everything is amazing until one day, it’s not. It’s really bad. The guy that promised you the world, that made so many plans for a happily ever after is dead and the guy next to you in bed that you just had sex with? Oh yeah, that’s the same guy except this time instead of holding you and talking about where he wants to travel with you and how he can’t wait to spend Christmas with you and your family, gets up and goes in the bathroom to take a leak and text a dick pic to this new chick with the great ass that he just met at work.

Everything that you never thought would go down, goes down. WAAAY DOWN. worst.breakup.ever.

You’re no longer together but you can’t stop won’t stop thinking about everything that he said to you; everything that you didn’t push or pressure him to say (like, at ALLLLL) and every promise he made to you about your future together and you’re so.damn.confused. You deserve an answer. You need closure.

So why are you still stuck on his promises? Why did he even MAKE promises in the first place if he wasn’t really interested and what can you do to make sense of it all, get past it and never look back?

It’s taken me more heartbreak, embarrassment and f*ckups than there is memory capacity on this website to realize this:

WHY HE MADE THE PROMISES AND TALKED ABOUT A FUTURE WITH YOU:

We’re taught from childhood that you get what you put into something and I live by this mantra still today. Whatever I want from other people, from situations and from life, I try to give the very thing that I want instead of incessantly looking for others to give it to me. Just like you invest things like emotion, time, value, loyalty and trust into a relationship (because that’s what you ultimately want back), there are guys out there that like to invest in talking a big ‘future game’ to get what they want in the present. What do they want in the present?

It could be a myriad of things: someone to listen to all of their narcissistic problems, someone to loan them money, someone to help them get back on their feet, someone to make them feel like they weren’t such a piece of sh*t to their ex, someone to be the president of their narcissistic fan club (because it’s ALWAYS their world and we’re just inhabiting it), someone to make them feel like they’re capable of emotional availability and last but certainly not least, someone that’s a good, “reliable” lay.

Just like I used to have a huge problem with people pleasing, some people will future talk your ear off and make promises that they know they won’t be able to keep, because that’s what they think you want to hear and lets be real, it’s like the light-speed-fast-track to getting in your pants.

If you’re dealing with someone of the emotionally unavailable f*cktard species, you have to understand that because of their emotional unavailability and narcissism, they need to know that they are regarded highly in the eyes of others because they can’t validate themselves. No matter how confident or how arrogant they seem, narcissists are always the pathetic dragons that blow hot air, incapable of ever blowing out any real fire. OH, BUT WILL THEY TALK (AND TALK) ABOUT THE FIRE THEY BLOW.

So, you have to understand that these guys will talk a big ‘future game’ and make a bunch promises and seem as deep as the ocean because they like to see themselves through our eyes; they like how we view them.

They LOVE the pedestal that we put them on and they love what we reciprocate as a result of all of their talking because it enhances their image and validates that they “still got it.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN, HOW YOU CAN GET HIM TO REALLY SEE WHAT HE F*CKED UP AND HOW YOU CAN GET PAST THIS BS AND NEVER LOOK BACK:

Like clockwork, every.time. this crap happened to me and I found myself post breakup with yet another f*cktard liar whose actions failed to match anything they ever said, whatever little bit of self-worth I had would deteriorate right before my eyes because I would try to extract validation and explanation out of him like I was on my 10th year working for the FBI. I would analyze and obsess over everything that he said, every promise he made and every move he was currently making on social media and every other chick in town.

Since nothing that he did was anything Albert Einstein could even make sense out of, I was trying to find out where it was that I screwed up (so I could identify exactly what I did and spend the next week few months further punishing myself and convincing myself that I single-handedly ruined my chances at my last chance for a happily ever after).

I needed to know what I did that made this “great guy” not want to follow through with what he promised and all the lovely things he said to me.

It’s taken an embarrassingly long amount of time for me to realize that emotionally unavailable guys LOVE to talk a big future game and make promises that they can’t keep because JUST LIKE they love to be friends f*ck buddies after you’ve broken up because they can get all of the benefits of being in a bonafide relationship without actually having to show up, be accountable and commit, they speak the language of future talk and have PhD’s in empty-promise making because they get to ‘play the part’ (and experience all of the benefits) of being committed without actually committing.

It’s like going to a casino and having a money tree with you. There’s no real risk, it’s not your money. You have a money tree and you get all the benefits of gambling without any consequence. You literally don’t have to invest a thing. And if you hit a jackpot? GREAT! (** “jackpot” meaning that they met a chick that will eat up their words and continue to believe everything he says with her legs and heart open).

Their words obviously don’t match their actions and remember, someone that is avoidant of commitment will think that just because they SAID these things, they made a gigantic effort. In their mind, the fact that they even thought about the things that they said and thought about extending themselves, was the commitment.

I’m sorry, but you deserve so.much.more. than some guy that operates outside the realm of reality and thinks words hold more value than actions. He should go re-watch Sesame Street.

It’s like the doctor telling you that you have cancer but refusing to show you any proof. No blood work, no scans and you just take the doctor’s word for it and shave your head that afternoon. You MUST stay real about his actions. The reason that we yield away from doing so is because we are more comfortable in limbo land than we are experiencing the short-term pain for a lifetime of awareness and strength.

The only way to get anyone that future talked your ears off and made promises to you that were never followed through and broke your heart, is by doing something that they are and will for forever be incapable of doing: ACTUALLY SPEAKING WITH YOUR ACTIONS AND CUTTING.THEM.OFF.

If any guy were to future talk me now, I would honestly get a little weirded out. I’d laugh it off at first but I’d definitely end up taking a step back because my boundaries are in the right place.

When you get to the point of self-validation, proper self care and self love, you won’t look at every situation and every guy as this end all, be all, means to an end, holy grail. You won’t be so all about the pedestal building and the short-term because you will be present, aware and conscious of what’s actually going on… in reality.

If this is a lot of information for you all at once and you don’t know where to start, I get it. Do what I did:

The best way to end the bs  is by controlling the one thing and the only thing that you will ever be able to control in this lifetime: Yourself. Stop saying things to people because you think it’s what they want to hear and stop thinking that you need to use words to portray yourself in a certain way- your actions will take care of that every time.

x Natasha

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33 comments

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YAASSSSSS! You GO girlie! Loved this

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Just shared this on my Facebook! xoxo SPOT ON

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I don’t understand. How the F do you know everything?? This is LITERALLY about my last 3 ex boyfriends, rolled into one. My problem is letting go of the promises, and carrying them into next relationships. This is a nice reminder.

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This is my whole dating life. I hang on to promises and I can’t stop myself from obsessing. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone in this

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Hi Natasha, I just wanted to write and say your well-written, charming and sardonic posts have been a life raft for me the past couple of days in the ocean of self-loathing and confusing I am struggling not to drown under. My past exes have all been emotionally unavailable and after taking a break from dating, I met the biggest fucktard of them all (shocking as I didn’t think he could out-fucktard the rest) and saw him for 3 months before finally breaking it off myself and blocking him on all social media. Everything you wrote in this article described my situation with him to a T, in fact he ticks nearly every single box for emotional unavailability on a lot of lists I devoured on the internet shortly after ending it, including yours. The fact that someone could lack so much empathy baffles me. Why couldn’t he just tell me that he no longer was interested in something serious? Why couldn’t he stop with the endless litany of excuses to explain his hot and cold behaviour and just man the fuck up and explain he only wanted something casual after all? Then this article made me realize that for him to do so would mean he’d have to be accountable for being dishonest, for misleading me, for being avoidant and inconsiderate and he certainly could ‘t tarnish this messianic image he’d “tried” so hard to paint in my head with his beautiful words and the time he did make for me which was few and far in between. Thank you for sharing your stories and experiences, it makes me feel so much less alone and I know I absolutely did the right thing. I fell for an illusion, that man never existed and if he does, he exists only in bursts, a boyfriend on loan. So much of your writing echoes the sentiments of other articles concerning these men that I know it really is them, and not me. I will be faithfully reading to stay no contact and keep my wits about me. Thank you!

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The feels! I was laughing so hard as I was reading this article. I kept say “ding ding ding”.

My ex was the Olympic gold medalist of the unavailable. It is because I have grown stronger through your blog that I can now look back and laugh. I will admit somethings still hurt, but I don’t dwell. There is no point. Whenever, he sees me he can barely look me in the eye. I KNOW he knows he acted dishonorably. Now I know why, he knows I see what he doesn’t want the world to see.

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YES!! LOL thanks beautiful 🙂 xo

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Thanks Natasha…. Please keep posting…. Strong and confident hold woman like you is all that we need….. Thank you so much… I’m reading all your articles…. And they are helping me a lot……
Blessings…

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Happy that the articles are helping 🙂 XO

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Love this article, thank you. It happens at any age, and the middle aged codgers are just as bad as the 20-somethings–only the old ones have decades of practice convincing themselves of what great guys they are, all the while stealing your time, energy, and money.

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Agreed! XO

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I’ve been reading PMS tonight and found this gem…I was actually almost laughing at one point because this was the feature piece in my own heartbreak – being lied to with false promises and the sweetest, deepest ( total f***** Bull****) words and plans.
My heart was melting as he led me up the garden path of this amazing journey we were in together. I climbed the tallest tree to get a better view of my dreams turned reality…. then he cut the tree down while I was still at the top and when I fell – he was no where to be found.

I let him let me down again even after this. I’m embarrassed to say it but we did this cat and mouse thing for over 18 months. I cringe in memory of it.
I finally did cut him off. He spun a few sweet lines one day – about how much he valued and wanted me. Then disappeared for 8 days. ?

I don’t know what made it click in my head and heart, but I suddenly saw him for who he really was and would always be in my life. I wrote out what I wanted to say – then told him. I never looked back. Three weeks later he tried to contact me. I didn’t care less. I didn’t respond.

I realised that I’d lose all the angst and pain and uncertainty as I walked away – and indeed I did.

It was such freedom to realise what a fake he was. I actually felt sorry for him. What kind of person does this to people?
the last thing I said to him was this: “I used to think I wasn’t good enough when you disappeared for days/weeks/months. But I don’t take it personally anymore I’m worth someone’s time…” He was speechless. I think he knew my actions and words were in sync. I was so steady and calm and not mean or harsh, just matter of fact and indifferent.

You know you have learned a lesson when you feel peace in your heart. Suddenly all the pain and heartbreak has shown you a window into something that has given you wisdom and clarity. You have built new boundaries and you know the value of them. You won’t make the same mistake again. You’re free. And you know your value. You’ll not need the fake stuff again.
I really loved reading this post. Made me smile – and feel proud because this was the hardest lesson for me to learn. But I did finally get an ‘A’…. xxxx ❤️

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Lorelle – I have tears once again, streaming down my face. You described so eloquently, an exact situation that I felt very alone in. I’ve been there before too and I’m externally grateful to your ex and anyone who has ever caused you to feel the emotions that lead you here. You are an incredible soul, person, sister, light and friend. I love you and I thank you from the very bottom of my heart <3 xxxx

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Awww xx you’re always touching my heart, Natasha. I’ve just come so far because of this blog. You’re such a treasure. I’m so grateful xxx love you xx ❤️❤️❤️

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I love you too sister <3 xxxx

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This post speaks to me so much. I’ve been in a college relationship for at least a year in a half with a guy whose reassured me that he wanted a future together after college. For awhile he was confident that he wanted to travel the world with me and knew the best way to communicate with me . Four months ago he told me he wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted anymore. He has been leading me on all this time because he still needs time to ‘decide’. The love letters he hid for me to find are what made me sick. They were the ones that had ‘the big talk’ saying I was the best thing in his life and there is not a day that goes by where he doesn’t think of me. He knew he wanted a future with me in those letters and in his words. At one point we talked about it again and he was more logical about the situation- that he should save up the money and admitted that it would be hard to find a woman who looks at him the same way I do. I agreed. I thought we were on the same page. I loved him and I always would. I did feel like I was finally there! But he doesn’t care about what he said anymore.

I’ve cried so hard for him, pining for him, and asking myself how I managed to screw up a relationship that seemed perfect. I love his family and I get along with them so well, so I’ll be losing them too. I’m breaking up with him when I return home from my sister’s house which is out of state. I sort of foreshadowed this to him in a text and all he said is ‘I’m preparing for the worst’ and said he was sorry. He doesn’t care about keeping the relationship, after all he said to validate it. It hurts so bad. This past month I thought I had bipolar disorder because he’s made me feel so good and so awful every single day.

This post made me feel a lot better. I need to see these patterns before I get too involved. It’s so hard to think that this guy who is so special to me is actually immature and honestly a loser who shouldn’t have led me on. It’s hard to see him that way because we really connected. I’m scared that he’ll never try and talk to me again, or even miss me. But he’s not worth my time anymore. In time I’ll heal. It just really sucks right now. Thank you for this post, it’s like you’re reading my mind.

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Hi Marisa!

I’m honored to have helped <3 You are understood, supported loved, believed in and never alone in this. Thank you for sharing (wish that I had the time to elaborate more), and thank you for your love, sisterhood and support.

Sending big love your way. XO

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I am a married male and was attracted to this article from a Google search on “empty promises”.

My situation is not the same as Natasha writes about so forcefully here but is a different take on being in a friendship with a series of false promises that finally caused me to have an epiphany about a 40+ year close friendship with a guy pal who I considered my best friend.

In the past 7 or so years this guy would make one promise after another and 90% of the time wouldn’t follow through on them. But one example was when he sent me an e-mail asking me if I wanted to go to a basketball game. I wrote back and said sure, sounds good. As the date for the game approached and I hadn’t heard any conformation I sent him another reply to his original e-mail invite and asked him if we were still on. He wrote back that he was going to the game with someone else. I replied that I was confused, why did he invite only to go with someone else. He never offered an apology but said, hey, buddy, we’ll go to another game later in the season. Of course, that never happened either.

About 3 years ago there was what I refer to as a “last straw” incident, another empty promise that told me that’s it, I’ve had enough. I have distanced myself from this once close friend and put up an emotional wall so that I am not hurt any more by his repeated callous behavior towards me. It seems like I have gone from being this guy’s best friend and “like a brother” (his term) to good old Sidney, a fall back friend he can just blow off if he doesn’t feel like folllow through his promises.

This friend is a grade A narcissist and by definition has a lot of hang ups and insecurities. I think my main purpose all these years was to serve as a form a validation for him and when he felt he didn’t need me for that any more he blew me off.

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Thank you so much for sharing Sidney. I’m happy and honored to help. You are not alone.

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Ha…..wasted 3 years with Mr. False Promises! He cost me 2 good jobs ! I moved across states for him twice !
But no more ! Eyes and Ears wide open now !

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YES! You go girl. xoxo

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Thank you Natasha for your serious, yet edgy. with a slight touch of humor and ipoetic nsight that men like this actually exist. I’m a grown woman at 53 years old, I have 3 adult children, a successful business, strong ties to the community, and I have a ton of amazing women friends and a few men, but even I didn’t understand what hhappened to me for the first time in my life when I was strung along by who I thought was an amazing man that once I pressed for the promises he made that he wasn’t keeping actually blamed me for pressuring him! WTF?!!! I even apologized! It btoke my heart, damaged my self esteem, shook my faith (as he used the words God and Nature as well as love!) and had me questioning my own judgement. Wow! I’m of great character, morals and a fabulous catch, thank you Natasha for reminding me of that! No regrets as I forwarded a ton of his ” I love you” messsges & his fake promises to his latest victim, girl code~

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Hi Dana!

HAHA I LOVE YOU. Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 I am so happy and honored to help! xoxo

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Geez… i read the guy decription part and im like, did you date my ex or something? Lol. Because after him those were exactly the points that i realized and finally noticed.
Well, we ended having a baby and possible future and he was great at home, but he traveled so much that i barely saw him. And so whats that saying… a guy is like chicken, 10 feet away from home and doesn’t know who it belongs to, right?
So yeah. Self love, self respect, realizing that you are CAPABLE! F*ck societies standards on women and men. We are very much equal. If he can fix a faucet, i can too.
Nothing against men (ok im biased, a little bit) but we got this. We women are just as strong and capable. And we wont go around promising world to guys, f*cking them and leaving them in a limbo.
So cheers for being superwomen. ✌

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LOL!! Cheers! Thanks Karolina. xoxo

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‘He needed to know what I did that made this “great guy” not want to follow through with what he promised and all the lovely things he said to me.’

This is what i am struglling with a lot. Blaming myself.

I reached to your blog when I was searching for again understanding my ex. Which I know is a useless effort. ( I am sure he doesn’t even trying to understand himself)
I wasn’t very strong and after 2 years still feel very sorry. He put me in a very difficult situation. I made the mistake to quit my job to move his country with big promises.

The more I read other people’s experiences I now that i am not crazy.

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You’re not crazy and you are not alone <3 Ever. Big love to you Edelweiss. Thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 x

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Dearest Natasha!

It has been 61 days since my breakup (I implemented No Contact immediately) and I can’t tell you how much your “No Contact Contract” course has helped me. I listen to it EVERYDAY. I read your blog posts basically all day (I have a desk job and my mind wanders) and they help me keep my sanity, seriously. I knew when I got together with my now ex that he wasn’t a good guy, but he promised a future that I couldn’t resist. I use to have boundaries in the beginning (thanks to years of therapy) but those got knocked down over time. Anyway, I’m going on vacay soon and these memories of “what could have been” keep popping up BUT I am remembering they are my projections not who he really is, which is a fucktard. Some good that has come from the breakup: a piece I wrote for the breakup app “Mend” went live and I’m published! You are an absolute godsend and much love and light to you! I can’t wait for your other courses to come out (I’m chomping at the bit!) and your book!

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Hi Brie!

Wow! Congratulations on being published and using your pain to help others out of theirs. That’s incredible 🙂

I am so happy and honored to help. Thank you for taking the time to reach out and give feedback on the course. I put my heart and soul into it and just wanted to create exactly what I wish I had when I was there.

Thank you for your love, support, connection, and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone. All my love to you soul sister. xoxo

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I can’t believe I have just read this.. this is happening to me right now. I feel so lost. i only knew him for a month but we were like a couple from the start, I didn’t quite believe it. I’m 30 and he’s 22, I was wary at first but we got on so well. he went away for the first week but we were texting and calling all week. when he came back we spent most of that week together calling texting going on dates, spending nights together. He was talking about moving to places with me in the future, asking if like we’re a couple in 6 months time we could do this and that. he kept saying he didn’t want to rush into anything though, but then he was saying all of these things to me. calling me amazing, the best etc etc…

We spent a Sunday night together, and the whole day Monday walking around the city and being as a couple.

Then bam, on the Tuesday he went funny, I could tell because he said he was having “family issues” and this is why he hasn’t been texting much and he has stuff on his mind. He has had “family emergencies and issues” when he didn’t turn up for work because he was with me. So this got me suspicious and questioning myself “what have I done?” did I do something wrong, am I ugly, is he just taking the piss, using me? because it’s fun to be with a 30 year old for a bit. so I started a bit of social media searching. I found a picture he took of his “ex” on her Instagram, I look on her facebook and she still has him as her boyfriend. He told me he hardly uses Facebook so when I went to add him all of a sudden his settings changed so I couldn’t add him.

So I text him telling him I met a great guy and we got on really well, I was considering moving with him somewhere in the future, but then I find out a girl still has him as her bf on Facebook I don’t know what to do and I feel hurt betrayed and angry. He asks if that was meant for him. I said yes. he says he hasn’t been with her for 4 weeks and doesn’t know how to change the status. he said he still hangs out with her but didn’t want to tell me as it might of put me off. he said he’s sorry for not telling me and that he feels awful now and sorry for ruining it. then says he understands if I don’t want to talk or see him again (which I saw as an easy way out for him ) so I said no I’m not bothered about if he’s still friends with her. I can deal with that. I can’t deal with the lying. he said sorry. then eventually he says he’s not ready for anything, not ready for what I want, (which apparently is marriage and kids) whixh I replied I’m not ready for that maybe not for anothwr 6 years I’ll be ready when im ready and the person in with is ready.

it ended on a lighter note as I’m not very good at staying angry with people. but he still said he was ready but he didn’t use me and sorry for misleading me.

now I have texted him since… made up some unrelated question about something else he could help me with. he answered with some advice and a smiley face. But nothing like before.

I can’t deal with how last week we were great everything was going well… then bam nothing and it’s like talking to someone I don’t know. I don’t even know if he wants me to message him or if I’m just annoying him. I know I shouldn’t but i can’t stop thinking about him, and I’m even thinking he’s not even that great but we got on so well and had ideas of future plans.

I know I sound so foolish and stupid but i really don’t know how to deal with it all. it’s horrible. 🙁 I am glad I found this though as I didn’t even know this was a thing. I suppose I am naive and think everyone is genuine until proven otherwise. I suppose he is a lier and I should just accept that it’s done now. But it’s made me feel so incontinent and self conscious and how can I trust anyone ever again? where have all the good men gone! :'( a part of me thinks he’s being cruel to be kind as I had plans for myself before I met him. part of me thinks he’s just having a laugh as a dare with a mate, another part of me thinks he just has issues at home and can’t deal with anyone else in his life at the moment another part of me feels that I’ve been taken for a fool and he doesn’t feel sorry for me at all and is just laughing at my patheticness, thinking he’s fooled a 3p year old and got her into bed. (I don’t want it to be the last one but in reality it probably is) the worst thing is that I gave him my number in the first place. now I’m never going to have the courage again!!
I’m just sad! I want him to think of me and text me but he doesn’t, he texts me back if I twxt him but nothing like before, more like a work colleague message like we hardly know each other. I feel so stupid!! 🙁

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unconfident* not incontinent ?

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LOL ??

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Hi Sarah!

I wish that I had the time to respond to this all (thank you so much for your kindness and understanding ???). Don’t feel stupid at all. We have ALL been there. Other readers are here to help and I do offer one-on-one coaching if you need further help with this. All my love to you soul sis. You are not alone. xxxx

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