We’ve all been there. The “FINALLY” phase. You meet a guy and everything is so HOT, so right, so “be-my-baby-daddy-NOW” and so effortless it’s unbelievable except it’s not! It’s true and this is FINALLY (!!!) you’re reality. You’re on perma ovulation mode and the ‘honeymoon phase’ that everyone always blabs about being so short-lived is the never-ending REALITY that you get to live every day! Who needs Paris? You could be happy sitting in a shoe box with this guy. Maybe this is what you’ve been missing. This just feels so different, so RIGHT!
You have to restrain yourself from telling the world just how f*cking HAPPY you are. You’re farting Eau de LOVE perfume and skipping through the “finally-my-prince-has-arrived-I-see-why-it-didn’t-work-out-with-anyone-else” fields. You’ve hit the mega jackpot and for once, you’re with someone that KNOWS just how lucky they are. FINALLY. Although it might be a little premature, he tells you that he loves you and tells you all about the future that he wants…with you!!!
You’re on a high from the future that he talks about with you and you remember everything he says and each one of the promises that he makes. This fills all of the voids and the unresolved pain of every past abandonment, rejection, breakup and insecurity because by having a guy that’s this amazing and that’s this into you? I mean… come ON. That definitely means that all of those past issues, events and beliefs hold no validity any longer. FINALLY.
Everything is amazing until one day, it’s not. It’s really bad. The guy that promised you the world, that made so many plans for a happily ever after is dead and the guy next to you in bed that you just had sex with? Oh yeah, that’s the same guy except this time instead of holding you and talking about where he wants to travel with you and how he can’t wait to spend Christmas with you and your family, gets up and goes in the bathroom to take a leak and text a dick pic to this new chick with the great ass that he just met at work.
Everything that you never thought would go down, goes down. WAAAY DOWN. worst.breakup.ever.
You’re no longer together but you can’t stop won’t stop thinking about everything that he said to you; everything that you didn’t push or pressure him to say (like, at ALLLLL) and every promise he made to you about your future together and you’re so.damn.confused. You deserve an answer. You need closure.
So why are you still stuck on his promises? Why did he even MAKE promises in the first place if he wasn’t really interested and what can you do to make sense of it all, get past it and never look back?
It’s taken me more heartbreak, embarrassment and f*ckups than there is memory capacity on this website to realize this:
WHY HE MADE THE PROMISES AND TALKED ABOUT A FUTURE WITH YOU:
We’re taught from childhood that you get what you put into something and I live by this mantra still today. Whatever I want from other people, from situations and from life, I try to give the very thing that I want instead of incessantly looking for others to give it to me. Just like you invest things like emotion, time, value, loyalty and trust into a relationship (because that’s what you ultimately want back), there are guys out there that like to invest in talking a big ‘future game’ to get what they want in the present. What do they want in the present?
It could be a myriad of things: someone to listen to all of their narcissistic problems, someone to loan them money, someone to help them get back on their feet, someone to make them feel like they weren’t such a piece of sh*t to their ex, someone to be the president of their narcissistic fan club (because it’s ALWAYS their world and we’re just inhabiting it), someone to make them feel like they’re capable of emotional availability and last but certainly not least, someone that’s a good, “reliable” lay.
Just like I used to have a huge problem with people pleasing, some people will future talk your ear off and make promises that they know they won’t be able to keep, because that’s what they think you want to hear and lets be real, it’s like the light-speed-fast-track to getting in your pants.
If you’re dealing with someone of the emotionally unavailable f*cktard species, you have to understand that because of their emotional unavailability and narcissism, they need to know that they are regarded highly in the eyes of others because they can’t validate themselves. No matter how confident or how arrogant they seem, narcissists are always the pathetic dragons that blow hot air, incapable of ever blowing out any real fire. OH, BUT WILL THEY TALK (AND TALK) ABOUT THE FIRE THEY BLOW.
So, you have to understand that these guys will talk a big ‘future game’ and make a bunch promises and seem as deep as the ocean because they like to see themselves through our eyes; they like how we view them.
They LOVE the pedestal that we put them on and they love what we reciprocate as a result of all of their talking because it enhances their image and validates that they “still got it.”
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN, HOW YOU CAN GET HIM TO REALLY SEE WHAT HE F*CKED UP AND HOW YOU CAN GET PAST THIS BS AND NEVER LOOK BACK:
Like clockwork, every.time. this crap happened to me and I found myself post breakup with yet another f*cktard liar whose actions failed to match anything they ever said, whatever little bit of self-worth I had would deteriorate right before my eyes because I would try to extract validation and explanation out of him like I was on my 10th year working for the FBI. I would analyze and obsess over everything that he said, every promise he made and every move he was currently making on social media and every other chick in town.
Since nothing that he did was anything Albert Einstein could even make sense out of, I was trying to find out where it was that I screwed up (so I could identify exactly what I did and spend the next
week few months further punishing myself and convincing myself that I single-handedly ruined my chances at my last chance for a happily ever after).
I needed to know what I did that made this “great guy” not want to follow through with what he promised and all the lovely things he said to me.
It’s taken an embarrassingly long amount of time for me to realize that emotionally unavailable guys LOVE to talk a big future game and make promises that they can’t keep because JUST LIKE they love to be
friends f*ck buddies after you’ve broken up because they can get all of the benefits of being in a bonafide relationship without actually having to show up, be accountable and commit, they speak the language of future talk and have PhD’s in empty-promise making because they get to ‘play the part’ (and experience all of the benefits) of being committed without actually committing.
It’s like going to a casino and having a money tree with you. There’s no real risk, it’s not your money. You have a money tree and you get all the benefits of gambling without any consequence. You literally don’t have to invest a thing. And if you hit a jackpot? GREAT! (** “jackpot” meaning that they met a chick that will eat up their words and continue to believe everything he says with her legs and heart open).
Their words obviously don’t match their actions and remember, someone that is avoidant of commitment will think that just because they SAID these things, they made a gigantic effort. In their mind, the fact that they even thought about the things that they said and thought about extending themselves, was the commitment.
I’m sorry, but you deserve so.much.more. than some guy that operates outside the realm of reality and thinks words hold more value than actions. He should go re-watch Sesame Street.
It’s like the doctor telling you that you have cancer but refusing to show you any proof. No blood work, no scans and you just take the doctor’s word for it and shave your head that afternoon. You MUST stay real about his actions. The reason that we yield away from doing so is because we are more comfortable in limbo land than we are experiencing the short-term pain for a lifetime of awareness and strength.
The only way to get anyone that future talked your ears off and made promises to you that were never followed through and broke your heart, is by doing something that they are and will for forever be incapable of doing: ACTUALLY SPEAKING WITH YOUR ACTIONS AND CUTTING.THEM.OFF.
If any guy were to future talk me now, I would honestly get a little weirded out. I’d laugh it off at first but I’d definitely end up taking a step back because my boundaries are in the right place.
When you get to the point of self-validation, proper self care and self love, you won’t look at every situation and every guy as this end all, be all, means to an end, holy grail. You won’t be so all about the pedestal building and the short-term because you will be present, aware and conscious of what’s actually going on… in reality.
If this is a lot of information for you all at once and you don’t know where to start, I get it. Do what I did:
The best way to end the bs is by controlling the one thing and the only thing that you will ever be able to control in this lifetime: Yourself. Stop saying things to people because you think it’s what they want to hear and stop thinking that you need to use words to portray yourself in a certain way- your actions will take care of that every time.