“Why do I miss him?” is something that I’ve continued to ask myself WAY after relationsh*ts have ended and breakups ensued. I’d even find myself wondering “why do I miss him (??!)” when I’d be on a date – sitting across from a totally nice guy in a beautiful restaurant; my mind thousands of miles away.
Even worse… I’d wonder “why do I miss him?” when I was IN A RELATIONSHIP with someone new.
Someone who had no idea how unfinished my emotional business truly was.
Every song that came on, everything that happened or didn’t happen… every.single.moment catered to highlighting the absence of what was.
So, I acquiesced to an existence of someone at the end of their emotional life – always reverting back to the loss of my soulmate, “the one.” My only shot at Happily Ever After that had come and gone.
What do you do when you can’t breakup with your memory?
How do you deal with going through the motions of life while your heart is with someone that never gave you closure?
If you’re still wondering “why do I miss him?” here’s why + the one thing you need to know:
Why do I miss him? If it’s an emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt (and possibly narcissistic or worse), ex that consistently devalued, disrespected, gave you mixed signals and lied to you – a hot-one-minute-cold-the-next, passive aggressive and responsibility-avoidant ex that you’re missing – here’s why…
“Why do I miss him?” You miss him because you’re convinced that if you stop investing for a hot minute, he’s going to be a better/changed man in a better relationship with a better girl.
Emotional unavailability is the root of all relationsh*ts and emotionally unavailable partners are the absolute hardest to get over. Why? In the beginning, they show you through their actions that they are everything you never thought existed and more. As the relationsh*t progresses, they realize that they can’t get their needs met with the same lack of availability, responsibility, accountability and empathy, so the hot/cold game begins. They recoil without explanation and because they only align themselves with partners whose self esteem is low enough to give them the time of day/bypass all of their red flags, they bank on the knowingness that you’ll take their recoiling personally. They know that you’ll freak out, think you’re “losing them” (you never had them to begin with, they’re unavailable); they know that you’ll work even harder and subsequently be even more grateful for any little crumb they decide to throw your way. Emotionally unavailable relationsh*ts are the ultimate mind f*ck because no matter how poorly you were treated during the relationsh*t, you always have this “passionate-amazing-unlike-anything-EVER-before,” beginning period that your heart/head/libido ALWAYS revert back to. If your self esteem is low, that beginning period will always be the most potent amnesia to what you need to focus on – the fact that your ex was, is and will always be consistently inconsistent. You convince yourself that instead of him unfolding and revealing who he truly is, he somehow “changed,” from a completely connected, empathetic, honest and accountable man to a disconnected, empathetically bankrupt, deceitful and irresponsible f*cktard, ALL BECAUSE you weren’t enough. NEWSFLASH: You and your perceived lack of value do not have the power to administer personally transplants. If they did, you wouldn’t be reading this. You’d be on the cover of Forbes and Stanford would be studying you. Your ex was this way before you, with you and will CONTINUE to be this way after you (oh hey rebound relationships).
“Why do I miss him?” You miss the you that you were with him.
All the happiness that you felt when you were with him? His crumbs didn’t create that, YOU did. You can get back to happiness again and you WILL. Which leads me to the last point…
“Why do I miss him?” Because you’re still so invested, you can’t see that it’s not him you’re having trouble getting over as much as it is your projections.
You need to breakup with your projections more than you’ll ever need to breakup with the KNOWINGNESS of who your ex consistently was/is. It doesn’t take much to start thinking of and missing your ex – EVERYTHING reminds you of him. Engage in this enough times until it’s habitual, and it will send a signal to your brain that your ex is not only someone worth missing, it will also take over your sense of reality and transport your belief system into that of delusion. You start to believe that he was a better man before you, the man that he was in the beginning – ya, THAT guy – and that he’s a better man now, without you. This process pedestals him as you sink lower and lower into the quicksand of avoidance and denial. Think about it – the reason that you continued to stay in the relationsh*t with him is because you CHOSE to tolerate his consistent inconsistency (we get what we tolerate), and give life to an idea; a projection of who your heart NEEDED him to be – the guy that he was in the beginning. You’re relationsh*t then became more about expending energy in the name of making excuses, self-blame and taking things personally (because you won’t allow your partner own his own behavior), instead of seeing things for what they are. The more you argue with reality, the more you cockblock your own ability to accept and take ACTION. “Why do I miss him?” You miss the man that your projections constructed; the idea of who you wanted him to be. You’re refusing to mourn the death of the person that you thought existed. Why? Because death and acceptance are PAINFUL and as humans, we will sacrifice our own intelligence to avoid pain. It’s hard and it will ultimately require having to do 2 things that your lack of self love has convinced you is impossible: accepting and taking action. Acceptance is scary because when you accept a person/relationsh*t/situation for what/who they are, you have no choice but to focus on what it is about you that tolerated the conditions and treatment for as long as you did. If you don’t do this, you’ll continue to emotionally hoard and because emotionally constipation will always be the result of hoarding, you’ll search for a laxative in the form of yet another f*cktard. It’s time to address the constipation and FLUSH. If your ex was the type of person that your projections have convinced you he is, he would have found a way to exit your relationship without the ambiguity, disrespect, mixed signals and lack of clear communication. When there’s a breakup, heartbreak is a given. Disrespect, deciet and ambiguity should never be.
“Why do I miss him (STILL?!)” The one thing you need to know…
Instead of convincing yourself that you were just this launching pad, this northern star for him that has pointed him in the direction of emotional, sexual and relational prosperity, I want you to entertain this…
“Maybe you were meant to be his karma and he was meant to be your northern star.”
Karma does not have an address nor does it give any details, it just IS.
And it’s not up to us who gets what, that’s the universe’s job. Trust the universe – it’s your biggest ally, protectant and cheerleader.
The only way that you’ll ever be “the one that got away,” and THE ONLY WAY that you can perpetuate your destiny is by speaking with you actions and minimizing that awfully cheap talk – both internal and external.
You can’t change the hand that you were dealt. You can either use your unhappiness with the dealing as a license to stay miserable, or you can play the hell out of that hand and use your disdain, heartbreak and disappointment as propellant to accept what is, rise above in spite of and speak with your actions by riding off on your own white horse.
+ another helpful post: Does He Miss Me? Does He Regret What He Did?