“Why do I miss him?” is something that I’ve continued to ask myself WAY after relationsh*ts have ended and breakups ensued. I’d even find myself wondering “why do I miss him (??!)” when I’d be on a date – sitting across from a totally nice guy in a beautiful restaurant; my mind thousands of miles away.

Even worse… I’d wonder “why do I miss him?” when I was  IN A RELATIONSHIP with someone new.

Someone who had no idea how unfinished my emotional business truly was.

Every song that came on, everything that happened or didn’t happen… every.single.moment catered to highlighting the absence of what was.

So, I acquiesced to an existence of someone at the end of their emotional life – always reverting back to the loss of my soulmate, “the one.” My only shot at Happily Ever After that had come and gone.

What do you do when you can’t breakup with your memory?

Will the heartbreak, thoughts and obsessive actions EVER end?

How do you deal with going through the motions of life while your heart is with someone that never gave you closure?

If you’re still wondering “why do I miss him?” here’s why + the one thing you need to know:

Why do I miss him? If it’s an emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt (and possibly narcissistic or worse), ex that consistently devalued, disrespected, gave you mixed signals and lied to you – a hot-one-minute-cold-the-next, passive aggressive and responsibility-avoidant ex that you’re missing – here’s why…

  • “Why do I miss him?” You miss him because you’re convinced that if you stop investing for a hot minute, he’s going to be a better/changed man in a better relationship with a better girl.

    Emotional unavailability is the root of all relationsh*ts and emotionally unavailable partners are the absolute hardest to get over. Why? In the beginning, they show you through their actions that they are everything you never thought existed and more. As the relationsh*t progresses, they realize that they can’t get their needs met with the same lack of availability, responsibility, accountability and empathy, so the hot/cold game begins. They recoil without explanation and because they only align themselves with partners whose self esteem is low enough to give them the time of day/bypass all of their red flags, they bank on the knowingness that you’ll take their recoiling personally. They know that you’ll freak out, think you’re “losing them” (you never had them to begin with, they’re unavailable); they know that you’ll work even harder and subsequently be even more grateful for any little crumb they decide to throw your way. Emotionally unavailable relationsh*ts are the ultimate mind f*ck because no matter how poorly you were treated during the relationsh*t, you always have this “passionate-amazing-unlike-anything-EVER-before,” beginning period that your heart/head/libido ALWAYS revert back to. If your self esteem is low, that beginning period will always be the most potent amnesia to what you need to focus on – the fact that your ex was, is and will always be consistently inconsistent. You convince yourself that instead of him unfolding and revealing who he truly is, he somehow “changed,” from a completely connected, empathetic, honest and accountable man to a disconnected, empathetically bankrupt, deceitful and irresponsible f*cktard, ALL BECAUSE you weren’t enough. NEWSFLASH: You and your perceived lack of value do not have the power to administer personally transplants. If they did, you wouldn’t be reading this. You’d be on the cover of Forbes and Stanford would be studying you. Your ex was this way before you, with you and will CONTINUE to be this way after you (oh hey rebound relationships).

  • “Why do I miss him?” You miss the you that you were with him. 

    All the happiness that you felt when you were with him? His crumbs didn’t create that, YOU did. You can get back to happiness again and you WILL. Which leads me to the last point…

  • “Why do I miss him?” Because you’re still so invested, you can’t see that it’s not him you’re having trouble getting over as much as it is your projections.

    You need to breakup with your projections more than you’ll ever need to breakup with the KNOWINGNESS of who your ex consistently was/is. It doesn’t take much to start thinking of and missing your ex – EVERYTHING reminds you of him. Engage in this enough times until it’s habitual, and it will send a signal to your brain that your ex is not only someone worth missing, it will also take over your sense of reality and transport your belief system into that of delusion. You start to believe that he was a better man before you, the man that he was in the beginning – ya, THAT guy – and that he’s a better man now, without you. This process pedestals him as you sink lower and lower into the quicksand of avoidance and denial. Think about it – the reason that you continued to stay in the relationsh*t with him is because you CHOSE to tolerate his consistent inconsistency (we get what we tolerate), and give life to an idea; a projection of who your heart NEEDED him to be – the guy that he was in the beginning. You’re relationsh*t then became more about expending energy in the name of making excuses, self-blame and taking things personally (because you won’t allow your partner own his own behavior), instead of seeing things for what they are. The more you argue with reality, the more you cockblock your own ability to accept and take ACTION. “Why do I miss him?” You miss the man that your projections constructed; the idea of who you wanted him to be. You’re refusing to mourn the death of the person that you thought existed. Why? Because death and acceptance are PAINFUL and as humans, we will sacrifice our own intelligence to avoid pain. It’s hard and it will ultimately require having to do 2 things that your lack of self love has convinced you is impossible: accepting and taking action. Acceptance is scary because when you accept a person/relationsh*t/situation for what/who they are, you have no choice but to focus on what it is about you that tolerated the conditions and treatment for as long as you did. If you don’t do this, you’ll continue to emotionally hoard and because emotionally constipation will always be the result of hoarding, you’ll search for a laxative in the form of yet another f*cktard. It’s time to address the constipation and FLUSH. If your ex was the type of person that your projections have convinced you he is, he would have found a way to exit your relationship without the ambiguity, disrespect, mixed signals and lack of clear communication. When there’s a breakup, heartbreak is a given. Disrespect, deciet and ambiguity should never be.

“Why do I miss him (STILL?!)” The one thing you need to know…

Instead of convincing yourself that you were just this launching pad, this northern star for him that has pointed him in the direction of emotional, sexual and relational prosperity, I want you to entertain this…

“Maybe you were meant to be his karma and he was meant to be your northern star.”

Karma does not have an address nor does it give any details, it just IS.

And it’s not up to us who gets what, that’s the universe’s job. Trust the universe – it’s your biggest ally, protectant and cheerleader.

The only way that you’ll ever be “the one that got away,” and THE ONLY WAY that you can perpetuate your destiny is by speaking with you actions and minimizing that awfully cheap talk – both internal and external. 

You can’t change the hand that you were dealt. You can either use your unhappiness with the dealing as a license to stay miserable, or you can play the hell out of that hand and use your disdain, heartbreak and disappointment as propellant to accept what is, rise above in spite of and speak with your actions by riding off on your own white horse.

XO natasha

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54 comments

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Perfect timing. Thank you.

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🙂 XO

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Natasha
Love you !!!! The white horse and your advice has kept me from reaching out to him since last June even tho he changed his number I know if I wanted to I could have emailed him . But I didn’t because I’ve listened to every piece of your priceless advice from the gate . I still miss him but I’ve learned to validate myself and not let him have a chance to devalue me further .
I am healing . Slowly . But I’m getting there .
Thank you for being you . You are incredible
Much love and hope your day is bright and inspirational –
Your friend and sister Lynn

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YAAAAA 🙂 Love you too sister! So proud of and happy for you. XOXO

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Thankyou! This is exactly what I needed! Timing couldn’t be more perfect! Not sure why we always think we can change them!

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Happy it helped! Thanks Jamie 🙂 xx

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This piece came to my inbox as I had just given my most recent emotionally unaivalabke manipulator the final good bye, good riddance he needed. Everything you wrote about was to the “t” my experience and I could only chuckle as I read this thinking “god I could have written this word for word”! The worst part about this it was someone from my past who resurfaced decades later and truly played on that emotional “we’ve been friends for x years” well we met and had a dalliance a number of years ago but I wouldn’t necessarily equate that to a friendship. Came on strong, then slowly retreated to basically becoming non existent – no explanation, no accountability. So after 2 months of cat and mouse receiving the morsels to keep me just at arms reach I made the decision that anything before yesterday is I the past and I’m starting new which means cutting that cord. I know I’m worth more than that treatment.
Thanks for your writings I came across your site at a really appropriate time and am thoroughly enjoying it!
Cheers!

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Hi Terri! Thank you for the love and support! I’m so glad that the post helped 🙂 xxxx

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Wow this was amazing and exactly what I needed to read today! I just need to keep reminding myself about the white horse. Thank you so much!

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So happy it helped!! 🙂 Thanks Cat! XOXO

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I really want to ride away on the white horse. But it’s hard because I still see the good person our friends and I used to see in him. He dumped me 3 months ago out of the blue and a month ago after he asked for my forgiveness he finally admitted that he’d been sexting a random girl the last month of our relationship. I really thought he was going to be the guy I’d marry. He says he hates the person he is right now and is trying to turn to God. But the last thing I said to him was kind of nasty. He sincerely seemed apologetic and then said I have the right to not talk to him for the rest of my life. Then after my birthday recently I asked who texted me cause I’d deleted his number. He said I have the right to delete his number and he’ll honor my decision. It bothers me that he’s saying I have the right to do things. Do you think it’s ok to leave a voicemail just so I can end things better and have the last thing I say not be nasty? We were friends before and I truly do see the good in him it just stinks that he never even tried.

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Your posts always give me that dose of reality! I get so angry at myself for giving him another chance to only pull that same “fall back” bullshit when I started to demand proper commitment. There are days where I just want to reveal him to the world, say or do something to hurt his feelings. But nothing hurts people more than feeling insignificant or worthless, which is what my complete silence and nonreactivity aim to do. Staying on my white horse worked before and I know it will work again.
Love you Natasha xoxo

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Yes it WILL <3 Love you too soul sis. XO

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Natasha-
Very insightful and on point. As thoughtful, empathic women I think we hold ourselves to a higher standard; we incorrectly assume that there is something wrong with us when an emotionally bankrupt jerk moves on. Your blog gives clarity to the fact that we should be treated with the same dignity and respect we gave them.
Much gratitude.

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Agreed! This applies to men too and it’s awful when it happens, no matter what age or gender. Can’t thank you enough for your love, sisterhood and support. Glad that the post helped!! 🙂 xoxo

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Wow. Just wow.
I’ve been struggling to let go. Your insight comes with a huge dose of honesty – “Acceptance is hard because when you accept a person for who they are, you have no choice but to focus on what it is about you that tolerated the conditions and treatment for as long as you did”.
Ouch. But thank you. That’s really all it comes down to.
A lot of my anger is mostly with myself – for having betrayed myself and my value so profoundly.

So now, how about a post on how to work through the debilitating self-hatred and shame; and being really hard on yourself for allowing it.
And thank you…really…

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Love that topic! Thanks for the recommendation Malokinji! I’m happy that the post served you 🙂 xx

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Thank you so much for this. I have been healing from a very abusive and narcissistic ex, and this has helped not put so much blame on myself. I kept thinking “if only I was enough, if only I was more beautiful, or funnier, or kept my mouth shut”, but fuck that! I AM enough! I am beautiful! I’m hilarious, and I’m NOT a doormat! It’s taken two years of healing, but I am definitely not where I use to be, thank God. Thank you.

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Hi Priscilla! You are loved, valued, understood, supported, believed in and never, ever alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. 🙂 xo

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Your post always come at the right time. Love ya girl.

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Love you too! Happy to help! 🙂 x

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Natasha do you know how great you are? You heal me with your words, and this is what helped me today after I beat myself up over my thoughts. You are amazing, thank you with all my heart and soul.

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It takes one to know one! Thanks Hilda! I’m honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations 🙂 XO

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I have just spent yet another weekend in this place wondering why I miss this relationshit – this is word for word how I feel and behave currently – thank you this page has literally got me through the worst breakup and self discovery ever – I cannot tell you how often in my darkest times I remember to get on my white horse etc…… xxxxxx Amazing

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You are loved, supported, backed, believed in and never alone Carly. Thank YOU for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xxxxx

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Wow it’s like you read my mind sometimes Natasha, it really is. Numerous times I have been churning away over my ex (who I work with- ugh) and beating myself up because I “miss him” or am not “over it” when it was 7 months ago yet I’m still analysing/hurting and he is swanning around without a care in the world….then each time an article from you pops up in my mailbox with EXACTLY the advice I need to put me back on my white horse.
Thank you so much.

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YAY! I am truly honored to help 🙂 Thanks Nicola!! X

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Has only been three months and this is the first time I have not tried to “fix” the relationship. It is difficult as mine snuck right in after being hired to care for my dying spouse. Seemed he did care about me and being vulnerable I overlooked red flags. We stayed friends but now have been discarded and no true explanaton is the hard part. Left many belongings here and is a very stubborn man as just goes silent on so many people never speaking to them again. Therefore, I do not think I will be hoovered and am debating whether to toss out his stuff. Goes against my being but I do not want to contact him as my phone call to him was the last time we spoke. Am trying hard to let go – was with my husband forty years so am not a spring chicken but would love to have someone in my life again. Will try to ride on the white horse, accept who he is and try to heal.. Only wish the healing part could happen quicker. Thank you and will pray for all of us.

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You are loved, supported and never alone. Just keep coming back here to the blog and know that you’ve got a whole tribe behind you Vicki. XOXO

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Natasha, thank you for your wisdom. I am fighting through this very thing right now. I am learning a lot, but I have a lot of recurring thoughts and heartache. I keep feeling anger when I think of how he dismissively refers to our three year on and off relationship as “basic incompatibilities” while I grit my teeth and recall the lying, the sexting other women, the SLEEPING with other women and citing that I was unable to handle his way of life. He said he’s had enough of my craziness/reaction toward all that and he, what I felt, discarded me after his charms and smooth talk stopped working on me. How do I feel with being abandoned and that maybe I WAS the crazy one? How do I stop feeling lost and at fault? I keep having vague fears and anxiety about being ditched so fast, combined with indignant feelings 🙁

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Hi! I’m happy to help <3

I wish that I could advise and answer your questions, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.

All my love to you.

You’re not alone XOXO

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Natasha,
You are amazing and everything that you write about hits home for me! It’s because of your inspiration and motivation that I have made it through the past two months. I recently ended a relationship one that you write about and describes him to a tee! Thank you for all of your inspiration and everything you continue to do to help others!!
XOXOX
Joanne Russo

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Hi Joanne! I am honored to have helped 🙂 Thank you for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe! XO

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I read this the other day when it was first published – I was quite overwhelmed with emotion at the time as this is the issue I struggle with. It is quite the mindf*** to wake up everyday months and months after moving on with the first thought being about him. Some days it does seem to interfere with my ability to enjoy the moment and this upsets me.
I totally agree – projections of who we think this man is sets us up for a very distorted view of reality.

It does drive me up the wall some days that I find him so hard to forget but each month when I add another four weeks of no contact I remind myself soon it will be a year. I remember that I’m lucky to have a big heart and that I deserve good things and I’ll attract that as I’m a loving and available person. I buy a new lipstick, new clothes or a scented candle to celebrate my monthly no contact achievements and I remind myself that it’s pure freedom knowing I’ll never see his name or messages on my phone again or hear his voice.

Yes there are odd days now where I really miss him but they are occurring less and less. I just write what I’m thinking down and re read it a few hours later. It all does pass. Remember the white horse can navigate you through a lot of dark days, and you’ll stay completely safe as you ride.

Thank you beautiful Natasha – I get so excited when I see a new post and this one really hit a home run. Bless you – and have a happy Easter xxx 🐥🐣🐥

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Hi Lorelle! Your comment has me in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, sisterhood, support and for sharing. When I read your comment, I felt like it was describing me a few years back. You have a gift – we all see it and I hope you know just how loved, supported, understood and believed in you are.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe and Happy Easter to you too! It’s one of my favorite holidays 🙂 xx

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Lorelle, I just wanted to comment as your post really resonated with me, you sound so much like me, I’m 7 months in and still wake up every day with him on my mind. I can’t rationalise why my ex is still in my head, he left me questioning my own sanity in the way he treated me at the end! I work with him so I would love to have no contact but sometimes he is the first person I see when I walk in the office and I have to steel myself.
I’m so inspired that you are 4 weeks away from no contact and the way you are so kind to yourself and celebrating your freedom from the pain he caused, you will meet someone who will love you the way you deserve. I wish you all the very best xx

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I am so touched, moved and inspired by the sisterhood and support! Love you to you both. xxxx

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Awww Natasha – we have you bringing us all together here and that is such a precious gift to all of us.
hugs and thank you. It is great to share experiences and the collective wisdom of healing broken hearts really does help the healing process. We are all so strong – but we sometimes don’t realise it. Love xxx 💐

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Awwww Nicola!! I would so love to hug you right now! There is much comfort in realising so many of us are in the same boat. Keep coming here to PMS and read, read, read – you’ll find solace and support and realise that you aren’t actually insane – that many of us experience the same feelings. I tell you this as when I first came across this site I sat for hours reading. I took my iPad to bed with me and I’d read more when I woke.

I’m sorry you have the added stress of working with your ex – I take my hat off to you as that would be truly difficult.
7 months is a MASSIVE achievement !!! You are so strong and resourceful – wow! So proud of you!
I really hope you realise that your ex has to ‘deal’ with you! He might think he knows you but he doesn’t. Each day you get stronger and you’re resolve to stay strong does too. You might think about him – but you aren’t showing him that. It’s his loss.

Be YOU. Do things that make you happy. And I think you owe yourself a treat – go buy yourself something you really love or want! Lipstick always works for me!
Celebrate who you are. I can admit now that I didn’t have enough self love when I met my ex. It is probably why I ended up with him treating me so badly. I allowed it.Now, I am different. I know he knows it too. I don’t let him in my sphere anymore!

I really appreciate your words Nicola (pretty name btw) and Im sending you a big hug with this reply. You deserve a really great guy who will respect and care for you – and he’s out there!
Happy Easter and go buy yourself a treat because you so deserve that too xxx 🎁💄💅🏻👠👗👛💐

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I sooooo needed this today! Thank you for your words that speak to my heart and soul. If’ it’s one thing I have learned about “unavailable, non-invested, unemotional” exes, they always circle back. It’s a pattern and a reflect ion of themselves and the inability to see their own self-worth which they project onto you. Unfortunately they will realize their errors just like we all do, when it’s much too late. No one likes feeling regret or “what ifs” and I believe that is their kharma. Thank you sooooo much for this article. I truly needed this today to realize it’s time to let go and let the universe do its thing.

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🙂 XOXO thanks Alex. Agreed!

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I really want to ride away on the white horse. But it’s hard because I still see the good person our friends and I used to see in him. He dumped me 3 months ago out of the blue and a month ago after he asked for my forgiveness he finally admitted that he’d been sexting a random girl the last month of our relationship. I really thought he was going to be the guy I’d marry. He says he hates the person he is right now and is trying to turn to God. But the last thing I said to him was kind of nasty. He sincerely seemed apologetic and then said I have the right to not talk to him for the rest of my life. Then after my birthday recently I asked who texted me cause I’d deleted his number. He said I have the right to delete his number and he’ll honor my decision. It bothers me that he’s saying I have the right to do things. Do you think it’s ok to leave a voicemail just so I can end things better and have the last thing I say not be nasty? We were friends before and I truly do see the good in him it just stinks that he never even tried.

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Hi Kitty!

I know how hard it is.

I wish that I could advise and answer your question, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.

All my love to you.

You’re not alone X

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Where do you live kitty ?seems your guy is similar to my ex. He always want to turn to God. I wonder if sombody really can change??

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Thank you Natasha. There is a question that I would appreciate you answer. I have read in almost all posts that the ex is the same person before us and will be the same.. Do you really believe people never change?? I kinda believe so, but we see people around who have changed in some point of their life. How about those?
Thank you
Gem

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Hi Gem!

I wish that I could advise and answer your question, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and will write a blog post on this topic very soon! 🙂

All my love to you soul sister!

You’re not alone xx

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Hi Natasha,
I found your blog almost a year ago and it has been tremendous in helping me heal and realising my own reality! My partner left me and my son when he was just six months old; that was almost a year and a half ago. I have gone back and forth from feeling strong and having self belief to loathing myself and feeling worthless, abondobed and miserable. My ex lied over and over about needing time to himself, he didn’t know who he was, he wanted to “fix” himself for us but it turned out he was just getting out of the relationship to be with another woman. Truth is, I know I am over him. But everything you stated in this post is true. I always go back to thinking about the beginning, the good times because it is my projection! Yet again you have reminded me of why I am here, of who I am and that I AM MORE THAN WORTHY. so thank you. Thank you for always being here to share your thoughts, knowledge and experience with all of us (men and women) who have and are dealing with this. Xx

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Hi Erin!

I’m honored to play a part in your healing and realizations. You aren’t alone in this. You are loved, supported, empathized with and understood. Thank you for being a part of this tribe! All my love to you xxxx

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It’s like you speak everything I think and feel every single day! Your posts help me more than anything I have ever read. Such truth. I’m glad to see I’m not alone in my feelings and thoughts. Thank you for everything and God Bless.

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You are far from alone Shelby <3 I'm honored to have helped! Thanks for being the light that you are and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xoxo

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Natasha,
It is so amazing to know that someone else has gone through the same feelings I have. This post made me feel so much better about myself and I can’t thank you enough for your blog. You’re amazing!! Xo

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It takes one to know one – YOU are amazing Taylor! I’m so happy that it helped! Thanks for allowing me to feel less alone in my experiences too 🙂 Love you soul sis! xx

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Really needed to read. As Always, thanks for sharing your thoughts with the best and caring intentions to help a broken heart needing their spirit again. ❤️

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Hi Jenny! I’m honored to have helped 🙂 Thank YOU for your love, support and sisterhood.

All my love to you soul sister! xo

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