“Why am I only attracted to jerks?” is a question that I’ve asked myself for the majority of my life. It got to a point where I felt like I was cursed. I felt absolutely nothing for the good, decent, “safe,” nice guys and my pants were literally unbuttoning themselves at the mere sight of a “bad boy.”

I actually hate that term “bad boy.” Whenever I hear it, I think of this perfect looking man with perpetually wet hair and glistening skin riding a motorcycle while holding a kitten and putting out his cigarette on his tongue. None of that actually sounds appealing to me, it sounds insane, but that’s what I think about when I hear “bad boy.”

And let me just debunk the whole “you’re just superficial and into good looking guys” argument because I love love love you boys out there for reading this blog too and I know your first thought is that this is about looks:

I used to think that it had to do with looks, and sometimes it does and I get that and I’ve definitely fallen for that but looking back, the fact that I was only attracted to jerks, really had nothing to do with “good looks” at all. The guys that I dated were very attractive TO ME, but most weren’t conventionally attractive, “Hey-I-just-shot-my-7th-Calvin-Klien-underwear-campaign,” by any means. Reading all of your emails, I see that I’m totally not alone in this regard.

“Good looks” are in the eye of the beholder and I was surprised at how, just a tinge of “oh look! I have to fight for his love and attention!!” would make the offspring of Mr. Ed and a Teletubby seem like Magic Mike to me.

The common denominator is the attraction that I felt to jerks and the fact that I felt nothing for the “nice/safe” guys. Equating the entire issue of being attracted to jerks to the superficiality of looks, diverts attention from the REAL issue.

I tried dating the nice/safe guy and I was… bored. I’d tell my girlfriends things like “I didn’t feel the passion,” “I wasn’t turned on,” “I was bored,” “I’d rather watch grass grow,” “there’s nothing there” …and the list goes on.

You too?

So “why am I only attracted to jerks?” you ask.

It took me years, a ton of embarrassment and heartbreak to understand why only jerks could flip the ON switch to my libido, my heart and my time. Here’s how I finally got clean and destroyed the jerk magnet I’d been carrying around my whole life.

If you find that you’re attracted to and repeatedly get involved with guys that you can’t trust, that are emotionally unavailable, that “don’t know the value of what they have (you),” that can’t empathize and that make you feel badly about yourself, it’s because you’re attracting (and feel an attraction toward) men that reflect the negative feelings that you have about yourself.

This is why I always assumed that I was just a girl that was only attracted to jerks /badboys/f*cktards, when in reality, I was only attracted to and interested in chasing guys that catered to my negativity and my negative beliefs about myself (my self-esteem and self love was all but shot), love (I had never experienced a true, genuine and MUTUAL love) and relationships (my parents divorced when I was very young, my past relationships, etc.).

If you find yourself saying “I REALLY just want to be loved and respected and valued. WHY am I not attracted to the good guys?! Why am I only attracted to jerks?” Here’s why:

You keep getting turned off, being disinterested, second guessing and finding every.little.thing that’s “wrong” with a nice guy because you don’t know what a healthy relationship with yourself OR with a guy feels like or looks like so… you go with what’s familiar – being used, disrespected and having to work for attention.

 

I get it, you want the passion, the drama the excitement, the having to “win” his attention, approval, validation and love. You want to be a superhero, “THE REFORMER,” that everyone can point to and say “WOW! Look at her! SHE was the reason he changed all of his bad boy ways. She must be special!”

My response: Make yourself special. Validate yourself. Stop thinking that if you can extract one drop of dirty water from an empty well that it’s more valuable than a gallon of crystal clear water from a full well. You’re not a magician. You found a dirty drop of water (f*cktard) in a muddy well. Big whoop.

I’m going to get really real with you – If you consistently find yourself being only attracted to jerks, you have proven to yourself that you’re unable to act with your own best interests in mind.

You need to work on the one relationship that you’ll never be able to live without – the one with yourself.

For years, I didn’t get why the musician I dated treated me the exact same way as the professional athlete and the doctor and the student did. They were so different!

Were they? Maybe their looks and their ages and their jobs were but that’s about it. I was engaging with the same animal, different sweater.

Start to go with the unfamiliar. Go for the guy that doesn’t “feel like home,” because although that’s a great expression, sometimes home is NOT where you want (or need) to be.

Clean up your house. Work on the relationship with yourself and work on establishing beliefs that you KNOW you’re capable of achieving and that you deserve.

There is nothing that happened in the past that was ever or will EVER be significant enough to rob you of today and of your future. Nada.

For me, I realized it wasn’t that I was a bad person/picky/sick/demented for being only attracted to jerks. I was just lost and I needed someone to show me that I was important enough for them to do the one thing that no human being can ever make another human being do: Change.

I had to change myself, I had to validate my own importance because just like you can’t ever make someone else change, no one will ever make you change enough to believe in you and make you love yourself.

Yeah, I have some amazing, passion-filled memories that ended in dramatic heartbreak, but now I’ve found real passion in people with integrity and character.

The most important one being me.

x Natasha

WANT TO RECLAIM YOUR
CONFIDENCE & POWER?

Get Natasha’s 7 life-changing & essential boundaries straight to your inbox.
Sign up to receive exclusive content, updates + more.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

You May Also Like

14 comments

Reply

This is so true, even for friendships. I’ve never read anything related to this topic that has ever been even a fraction as hilarious and insightful. You are wise beyond your years and I’m printing this out. Love you

Reply

Natasha,
I was seriously just about to email you to ask you to write about this topic. You put this in a way that I get and that makes so much sense. I need to keep reminding myself of this every day. You have no clue how many girls you’re helping through your blog. Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone/stupid. I’ve only gone for the jerks too and because of you and your writing I have started to care for myself and love myself. THANK YOU!

Reply

Thank YOU 🙂

Reply

Thank you so much for this article!!!

Reply

Happy it helped! xo 🙂

Reply

This is amazing. I think we’ve all been here. And continuously do ???? I agree with Tonya. This really is true for friendships also. Amazing once again

Reply

I can read your blog everyday. And I am learning something new everyday.
You are the best.

Reply

Thanks Catherine! Right back at you 🙂 xoxoxoxoxo

Reply

Perfection.

Reply

xoxo!

Reply

Hi Natasha, I consider myself a former Bad Boy and I have worked on myself spiritually, physically and mentally for over a decade now. I consider myself to be a good, kind man who is respectful, compassionate and empathetic. It took hard work and complete surrender to change my behaviors. About six month’s ago I was told we could be friends by a woman I fell deeply in love with by text. She wouldn’t talk to me and I called her out on her issues and she text me goodbye and it’s been almost seven month’s since we had communication. I chased, begged, emailed and I feel ashamed of that and I know it was not the right thing to do. I never once raised my voice, disrespected her or treated her less than. I always treated her with love, respect and dignity. She has been used and abused by men physically and mentally. I am that nice guy who treated her very well and her son. Now, I believe she will continue the same pattern of being with unavailable men who use and abuse her. At one point I even asked her why can’t you be with a man who is healthy and wants commitment? We talked future and living together. All I wanted was her and to be a positive role model in her son’s life. She self sabotaged and ran from everything and I didn’t handle it well at the end. I saw red flags and I stayed. It’s like you said, I can’t fix anyone, only myself. I’m still hurting and I feel like I lost my power and dignity. I appreciate your writing. I can identify with almost everything you write.

Reply

You are not alone Brady. Thank you so much for sharing. You’re doing the right thing by turning inward and the more you do that, the more you’ll realize that you didn’t lose any power at all. You are incredible.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You’re not alone.

Reply

Thank you so much for writing this! I recently found your blog and have had an incredible eye-opening experience reading your articles. You are so gifted with your knowledge and words. Your blog is exactly what I needed to read after my recent heartbreak and yet another failed relationship with an emotionally unavailable jerk. A question I have regarding this topic, which I hope you can address in a future article, is how do you know if you’re crossing the line of “settling” for a “good guy” and forcing a relationship? Is chemistry overrated or is that something we should still consider?

Reply

Hi Amy!

Thank YOU for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 I am so happy and honored to help. And THANK YOU for this topic recommendation. I love it and will write about it soon. Love you soul sister and hope that you have a holiday season as wonderful as you are. XOX

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *