“Why am I only attracted to jerks?” is a question that I’ve asked myself for the majority of my life. It got to a point where I felt like I was cursed. I felt absolutely nothing for the good, decent, “safe,” nice guys and my pants were literally unbuttoning themselves at the mere sight of a “bad boy.”
I actually hate that term “bad boy.” Whenever I hear it, I think of this perfect looking man with perpetually wet hair and glistening skin riding a motorcycle while holding a kitten and putting out his cigarette on his tongue. None of that actually sounds appealing to me, it sounds insane, but that’s what I think about when I hear “bad boy.”
And let me just debunk the whole “you’re just superficial and into good looking guys” argument because I love love love you boys out there for reading this blog too and I know your first thought is that this is about looks:
I used to think that it had to do with looks, and sometimes it does and I get that and I’ve definitely fallen for that but looking back, the fact that I was only attracted to jerks, really had nothing to do with “good looks” at all. The guys that I dated were very attractive TO ME, but most weren’t conventionally attractive, “Hey-I-just-shot-my-7th-Calvin-Klien-underwear-campaign,” by any means. Reading all of your emails, I see that I’m totally not alone in this regard.
“Good looks” are in the eye of the beholder and I was surprised at how, just a tinge of “oh look! I have to fight for his love and attention!!” would make the offspring of Mr. Ed and a Teletubby seem like Magic Mike to me.
The common denominator is the attraction that I felt to jerks and the fact that I felt nothing for the “nice/safe” guys. Equating the entire issue of being attracted to jerks to the superficiality of looks, diverts attention from the REAL issue.
I tried dating the nice/safe guy and I was… bored. I’d tell my girlfriends things like “I didn’t feel the passion,” “I wasn’t turned on,” “I was bored,” “I’d rather watch grass grow,” “there’s nothing there” …and the list goes on.
So “why am I only attracted to jerks?” you ask.
It took me years, a ton of embarrassment and heartbreak to understand why only jerks could flip the ON switch to my libido, my heart and my time. Here’s how I finally got clean and destroyed the jerk magnet I’d been carrying around my whole life.
If you find that you’re attracted to and repeatedly get involved with guys that you can’t trust, that are emotionally unavailable, that “don’t know the value of what they have (you),” that can’t empathize and that make you feel badly about yourself, it’s because you’re attracting (and feel an attraction toward) men that reflect the negative feelings that you have about yourself.
This is why I always assumed that I was just a girl that was only attracted to jerks /badboys/f*cktards, when in reality, I was only attracted to and interested in chasing guys that catered to my negativity and my negative beliefs about myself (my self-esteem and self love was all but shot), love (I had never experienced a true, genuine and MUTUAL love) and relationships (my parents divorced when I was very young, my past relationships, etc.).
If you find yourself saying “I REALLY just want to be loved and respected and valued. WHY am I not attracted to the good guys?! Why am I only attracted to jerks?” Here’s why:
You keep getting turned off, being disinterested, second guessing and finding every.little.thing that’s “wrong” with a nice guy because you don’t know what a healthy relationship with yourself OR with a guy feels like or looks like so… you go with what’s familiar – being used, disrespected and having to work for attention.
I get it, you want the passion, the drama the excitement, the having to “win” his attention, approval, validation and love. You want to be a superhero, “THE REFORMER,” that everyone can point to and say “WOW! Look at her! SHE was the reason he changed all of his bad boy ways. She must be special!”
My response: Make yourself special. Validate yourself. Stop thinking that if you can extract one drop of dirty water from an empty well that it’s more valuable than a gallon of crystal clear water from a full well. You’re not a magician. You found a dirty drop of water (f*cktard) in a muddy well. Big whoop.
I’m going to get really real with you – If you consistently find yourself being only attracted to jerks, you have proven to yourself that you’re unable to act with your own best interests in mind.
You need to work on the one relationship that you’ll never be able to live without – the one with yourself.
For years, I didn’t get why the musician I dated treated me the exact same way as the professional athlete and the doctor and the student did. They were so different!
Were they? Maybe their looks and their ages and their jobs were but that’s about it. I was engaging with the same animal, different sweater.
Start to go with the unfamiliar. Go for the guy that doesn’t “feel like home,” because although that’s a great expression, sometimes home is NOT where you want (or need) to be.
Clean up your house. Work on the relationship with yourself and work on establishing beliefs that you KNOW you’re capable of achieving and that you deserve.
There is nothing that happened in the past that was ever or will EVER be significant enough to rob you of today and of your future. Nada.
For me, I realized it wasn’t that I was a bad person/picky/sick/demented for being only attracted to jerks. I was just lost and I needed someone to show me that I was important enough for them to do the one thing that no human being can ever make another human being do: Change.
I had to change myself, I had to validate my own importance because just like you can’t ever make someone else change, no one will ever make you change enough to believe in you and make you love yourself.
Yeah, I have some amazing, passion-filled memories that ended in dramatic heartbreak, but now I’ve found real passion in people with integrity and character.
The most important one being me.