The hardest thing to do when you’re in the midst of a breakup, the worst heartbreak you’ve ever experienced, drama with friends, or an emotional trigger you can’t find your way out of, is to stay on the white horse.
The white horse and I didn’t use to be friends. I used to think that the white horse was stupid, weak and not even an option.
It all started after my boyfriend at the time and I were going through what I was politely describing to other people as a “rough patch” and what would honestly be described as “I’d rather receive a televised enema of fire than go through this pain and mind f*ckery for one second longer.”
I found out that he had not only cheated on me but that he had cheated on me with someone I considered a friend. I had been lied to for months. I found out about it all before either of them knew that I was aware of what was going on. Immediately, I transformed into Tony Soprano’s protegé. My own thoughts began to acquire a wise-guy accent.
I wanted to catch them, frame them, call them both out on their crap, yell at them and then slowly, very slowly, torture them. Basically, I wanted to ruin their lives and make them feel as uncomfortable, hurt, upset, and humiliated as I felt.
Right as I grabbed my phone to call my boyfriend and get the plan in motion, my Mom called. I had to answer.
The moment I heard her voice, I lost it. I emotionally went from Mafia boss to 16-year-old Natasha who just asked out her crush to Homecoming the day before homecoming because no one had asked her and he said: “sorry, I have to feed my sick dog that night” (true story) and everyone laughed and I cried. I was crying so hard on the phone that my Mom got in her car and drove up to Los Angeles.
“You’ve got to stay on your white horse,” she said.
No matter what you’re going through, be it drama with friends, dealing with an ex, dealing with a toxic family member or a friend who has used you for the last time… jump on your white horse, stay on her and don’t get off.
In fairy tales, the prince always saves the distressed beauty as he comes galloping in on his white horse to save the day. The knight in shining armor rides on his white horse from all the wreckage, swoops up the damsel in distress and all is saved, made right and well with the world.
Do you know how that knight doesn’t ever get off his horse? How he keeps his eye on the prize and never wavers in his vision, demeanor, and behavior?
You need to be your own knight in shining armor. Be the class act that everyone is in awe of instead of the psycho that needs a muzzle and a leash. Exhibit some grace under pressure when all you want to do is retaliate and react.
A monkey could snap its fingers, flip its hair and throw out a few one-liners that are sharper than a dagger. It takes someone with real strength to remain calm, communicate through their actions and move on.
The short term pain will translate to a lifetime of emotional and relational gain.
Don’t give in to trying to show grown adults “the right way” to behave or lose your cool and get labeled as the resident maniac. It’s not your job. Don’t let people set off your triggers and push your buttons. Only you know the combination to that lock. Not them.
If you want someone to know how you truly feel and what they’ve truly done? Stay calm. Never lower yourself to a level in which you attempt to re-package and throw back pain and anger just so you can feel like you’re in control for a hot minute. It will boomerang right back every time.
Sometimes, these people passively antagonize your unhinged reactions because as long as you go crazy on them, they can turn it around on you and say that your crazy behavior is why they did what they did in the first place.
You can be completely out of control in your head, be out of control when talking to your best friend about it, be out of control when you’re crying in the car thinking “how could they?!” but to the people that have hurt you, tried to push your buttons or done anything deceitful and have an expectation that you are going to act a certain way… surprise them.
Stay on your white horse. Someone lies to you? Take a breath, be calm. Tell them that you’re sorry that you clearly provided an environment that made them feel like they had no other option but to lie. And then ACT by folding once and for all. Wash your hands of the bs and be done. They won’t know what to do with that because most people are incapable of matching their words with their actions. Genuinely express one time (not multiple times, which lead to multiple chances/excuses), that you’re deeply hurt and that you’re done.
This will get to someone so much more than you freaking out and screaming at them, harassing them, crying, etc.
You want to do all that – I get it. You want them to feel your pain.
Write it out, comment here on the blog, scream it out to a friend, whatever you have to do to get it out of your system, do so behind closed doors. Say what you have to say once, be calm, and gallop off into the sunset on your own white horse.
NON-REACTIVITY is a superpower.
Be remembered in your own fairy tale as The One That Got Away because she handled her sh*t with dignity.
We are white horse warriors 🙂
+ If you need further and more personalized self-help, please look into working with me here.