Ever found yourself in the position of finding out something that completely shocks, hurts and confuses you (like just finding out you’ve been lied to, him telling you that he “can’t give you what you want” after stringing you along for months, finding out your “friends” have been talking behind your back, a family member making a hurtful comment under the umbrella of “love” and “concern,” etc.) and then, before you even have a chance to digest the information that you just found out, you are the one feeling bad and somehow comforting the person that did the wrongdoing?
Welcome to f**kedupville. Drake should have rapped about this by now.
This happens in all relationships whether they be work, school, friends, family or romantic relationships. You find out something that completely unearths you, something that f*cks with your mind, that hurts you and you’re in a complete state of shock.
It’s like an earthquake has just occurred and the very foundation that your relationship with this person was built on, shatters.
You start to cry, get angry, or you may even be in such a state of disbelief that you just get quiet and need some space and time to process what you’ve just found out. The guilty person then sees the damage they’ve caused and instead of letting you have the reaction and feelings that you’re entitled to (which is the least they could do at this point), they accuse you of being crazy/overreacting/not understanding/being “too sensitive”/immature and they get angry, upset or inconsolably sad and now the attention is on them.
This is the thing: The person that hurts, disrespects and lies to you does not get to decide nor dictate how you feel, react or how long it takes you to process/forgive.
You then feel bad for having the reaction you did and in some cases, you find yourself comforting them and having to apologize for your reaction even though they’re the ones that did the heartbreaking in the first place.
Within minutes of your reaction, they say something like “See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you!” in an attempt to turn it around on you and make YOU feel bad because you are having a human reaction to something that’s totally hurtful and f*cked up.
It’s basically like if you were to tell me that you don’t eat lamb and that you hate the taste of it. I invite you to my house for a dinner party and tell you that we are having beef stew. You take one bite and have a grossed out reaction to the meat because you can tell it’s lamb and then I point the finger at you, and say “SEE!! this is why I didn’t want to tell you it was lamb!” Then I get angry at you for being too sensitive to the taste of lamb and I start to cry because you’ve “ruined” my dinner party and embarrassed me in front of my guests and before you know it, you’re embarrassed, you feel badly and you’re comforting me!
If that sounds at all ridiculous to you, THAT IS HOW RIDICULOUS it is when people try to pull this crap on you.
Another shady thing these idiots will do, is that they will passively make you aware of some sort of tragedy or stressful event or loss happening to them in the days following you uncovering their deceit. The reason that they do this because it’s a (pathetic) attempt to deflect accountability, invalidate your feelings and to get you feel sorry for them because if you don’t, you look like an awful person and also, this is another way to get you to forget what they did and focus on “what matters.” Ha! Right.
You think to yourself:
Maybe I did react too strongly
Why do I do this?
What’s wrong with me? He’s right. I need to work on my issues.
I should go get help.
No wonder he kept this from me. I’m a disaster. Look at how I behaved.
They’re right. I do only care about the superficial, stupid stuff that doesn’t matter in life.
And the list goes on.
BUT THIS IS THE THING – You having a human reaction to something that’s hurtful is NORMAL.
What isn’t normal, is you being abusive in any way.
Anyone that’s not going to take accountability for hurting you and makes you feel badly for having a human reaction to being hurt is no one that you need in your life now or ever.