We all want to feel chosen. Who doesn’t want to feel like out of everyone else, they were the one that was picked. The feeling of being chosen is something that’s programmed in us as “the most important thing.must achieve.always,” from a very young age and unfortunately, chasing the feeling of being chosen like some crazed robot can often supersede what really should be sought first and foremost: characteristics of value such as kindness, emotional availability, decency and integrity.

Who cares how much of an assbag you are? You were chosen to be the Homecoming Queen! Whenever I think of this idea of being chosen, I think of how at school in P.E they’d always have the two most idiotic “cool” people pick teams for some activity and I’d always be the last one standing and everyone would be looking at me and laughing and my name didn’t even need to be called. I didn’t even get to be chosen. The “unlucky” team got me by default. I can still feel that feeling; it ties my stomach up in knots.

We want the teacher to choose us when our hand is raised. We want our parents to choose us over any and everyone else. We want to be chosen out of all of the other girls that he had to choose from; we want to know that out of every other option that was out there, our value was recognized and we were chosen. We won.

The thing is, being chosen doesn’t automatically mean that you are a person of value or that someone recognized your worth.

Ever watched The Bachelor? Notice how with some of the contestants that their need to be chosen and “win,” is actually stronger than their desire to find an authentic connection and true love?

The two do not go hand-in-hand. These people put so much effort into being the “chosen one,” that they think because they worked so hard at it, that this MUST mean that this person is their soulmate. Some people will only put themselves in situations where there is a “choosing” dynamic. If a guy is involved with someone else or if he’s talking to a few different girls, there are girls out there that would rather go for the guy with a lot of “options” instead of the guy that’s available. Don’t believe me? I used to be one of those girls. Why? Because where there’s not a good “choosing” environment, that holds no value or excitement. We love being “the chosen one” and we love other girls to witness and take note that we were chosen.

I’ve known some people to even get involved with people who were married because they need to be in that triangulation dynamic. They need to know that they’re so special that someone would choose them over their own spouse/family. Now of course, this is not the only reason that someone would involve themselves with anyone that was married/had a girlfriend, etc. but it does happen. I’ve seen people who claim to ‘unconditionally love’ their partners, create unimaginable chaos and destruction between their partner and their partner’s family all to boil it down to seeing if who they are with would choose them over their own family! And it doesn’t have to be with other people. You could want (and compete) to be chosen over someone’s job, commitments, religion, schedule, etc.

Those were really extreme cases, but it can also be so much less apparent that you don’t even know you’re doing it. It took years, huge embarrassments, broken friendships and relationships for me to realize and own that I was always looking around for people to make me feel “chosen” because when my parents divorced and married other people, I felt abandoned and alone. More than anything, I wanted my parents to choose me, to not choose this new person in their lives and I wanted to be a non-broken family again with my parents. I felt like I wasn’t chosen because if I was, surely my Mom and Dad would have found a way to work it out. As unrealistic as that is and was, this is the mentality from which my “choose me! choose me!” fixation started.

As I got older, this need to feel chosen happened with men. I wanted nothing more than to feel special and chosen– and I would put up with bad behavior in hopes to finally be ‘the chosen one’ and be the reason they changed.

I even found myself in love triangles with men and in triangles with friends quite often — replaying the triangle of me/Dad/Mom, or me/Dad/Step-Mom, or me/Mom/Step-Dad and as an adult, I was usually never the one that ANYONE chose. As long as being chosen was my number one priority, I always had a hard time with and struggled in dealing with repeated rejection.

The problem is, when you seek being chosen, you are essentially giving a pen and paper to someone else and saying “please write my story; please decide what happens next.”

When you look to someone to “choose” you, you give them the power to select you, validate you, reject you basically and tell you your worth because you don’t know your own. If you knew your worth, you’d know that you are worth a hell of a lot more than anyone who’d have to even contemplate for a millisecond who they were going to choose. By wanting and waiting to be chosen, you communicate through your actions that you don’t know who you are and that you don’t love yourself.

If you’re “lucky” enough to be “chosen” by a guy, you will never be 100% at ease in the relationship. The second that you feel he’s pulling away or his eye is wandering or that he may go back to his ex, instead of making a dignified exit like you should, all of your antennas will go up and you’ll get back into “must win now. must be chosen immediately” mindset, as you further compromise your values, self-respect and self-worth.

If you get rejected or “lose,” yes it hurts. The “silver lining” that you get off to though, is that the “losing,” gives you a license to further justify your mindset and continue the self sabotaging behavior.

So you still think it’s important to be “chosen” and “saved” by your knight on his white horse?

If one person is choosing the other, it’s safe to assume that one person  has more “value” than the other person. This is how you get into relationsh*t territory – when you will have one person never feeling good enough because they are at the emotional mercy of the other. THAT is not love, it’s f-ing painful and unnecessary.

The one thing auditioning, interviews, relationships, try-outs have taught me is that whenever I wasn’t chosen, looking back, I can see that it wasn’t good/right for me. I would have been burnt out. There was no enjoyment, I was blinded by the “winning” and being “chosen” glitter.

I got to a point where I needed to choose myself, recognize my own power and accept and reject whatever I wanted to waaaaayyyyy more than I needed to get a p.h D in examining why I didn’t make it on JV cheer or why I wasn’t asked out on a second date.

Part of the beauty of being an adult is that you get to make your own choices, validate yourself and build your own confidence through making decisions that reflect the love and acceptance you have for yourself. Why revert back to your helpless toddler years when you have the power to actually be the somebody that other people hope you choose. You are worth so much more than being a sideline hopeful. Right now, choose you.

x Natasha

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18 comments

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Amazing Natasha. This blog is a masterpiece

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I never thought that I could laugh, cry, clap and small all while reading one article. You are so spot on. Loved this!

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LOVE this. I too have spent most of my look seeking people to “choose me.” The way you write makes me feel like I’m not alone and you write exactly how I wish someone would talk to me. Please keep posting! I check your site religiously every morning and night (and at school too #guilty!). I want to be just as beautiful and as strong as you. I have something that I’d like to see featured, can I email you? I wish that we were friends and that I knew you, you are such an inspiration Natasha. My whole sorority is obsessed

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I can relate to this on so many levels… I love where you said being chosen doesn’t mean you’ll be a person of value.. It’s still hard for me to remember that, but this… Puts it in a perspective that I can actually map out. You’re AMAZING

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This really resonated with me Tash…thanks. I choose….

ME 🙂

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Yesssss we need to choose ourselves!! I haven’t even realized how many people I liked and thought were great just because they “chose” me and made me feel special when in reality they were AWFUL. I also have to not take it so personally when I’m not chosen. It’s usually for the best. You are so spot on!!

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Thank you! Genius article! The timing of reading this article is perfect for me.
This happens to Lesbians, too. We need this info as much as our str8 allies. No more “choose me” syndrome. I wrote a song a while back called ,”I choose”. I’m going to review it because it is exactly about me choosing my own life and healthy relationships. And I’m about to dump the girl who is actually dating a married woman! Fuck that. I don’t need the dyke drama.
Thanks for the powerful reminder!

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1000000% you do not need that crap! You are so smart and deserve better! I keep telling Natasha how amazing this blog is and how it is so applicable to everyone. You are an inspiration Kataka!

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This made me cry! You are like the big sister I always wanted 🙂

I went through so much rubbish in the relationship and then have remained stuck on all the hurt, lies, and BS that I was fed through the relationship after the breakup. All your articles have been such a wake up call; I’ve haven’t felt this positive since the breakup x

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You just made ME cry! I can’t thank you enough for your kind words, feedback, love and support. Hearing that you haven’t felt this positive since the breakup is the best thing I could hear. Feel free to email me any time and know that you aren’t alone. Thank you so much for your comments they have made my day and mean the world to me XOXO

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I can totes relate to this, especially as it pertains to best friendships. And I also wonder what the most helpful thing to do would be in a situation where someone I’m interested in struggles with this stuff too. It’s pretty obvious I like her, but I guess she’s nervous I won’t continue to, or that she’ll get so wrapped up in being choose-worthy that she neglects to figure out how she actually feels about me. So obviously just providing that external validation doesn’t get to the root of the issue, and besides it would be premature to make that sort of “I choose yoooooou, babe” proclamation when we’re just really getting to know each other now. Beyond just being happy to see her and trying not to overwhelm her with a bunch of heavy happily-ever-after scenarios from jump, what would y’all suggest?

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Hi Denali,

Until you are able to heal and evolve out of the part of you that needs to feel chosen, you will most likely attract people that struggle with the same. Just communicate your truth, be vulnerable and explain how you feel to her. Thanks for reading! 🙂

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WOW. I needed this. I 28 and didn’t start dating for the first time until a couple years ago and the rejection has been really hard. I spent so much time down on myself for not being chosen and trying to change myself to be like the girls i would see the guys who rejected me ended up with and it was EXHAUSTING. I kept thinking if I had tried harder or didn’t start so late id be better off and now I’m just a lost cause who will never find love, something i want so bad. I have a long way and a lot of work on myself to do to “love myself” but your words really resonated with me. thanks

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Thanks so much Sandra <3 You are far from being a lost cause. Keep coming back here to the blog, turn inward and have your own back. This is the way to build self love. Check out these articles if you haven't already:

https://postmalesyndrome.com/how-to-love-yourself/

https://postmalesyndrome.com/boundaries-put-an-end-to-the-bs-with-guys-friends-for-good/

https://postmalesyndrome.com/25-ways-to-build-your-confidence/

https://postmalesyndrome.com/how-to-build-your-self-esteem/

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“The second that you feel he’s pulling away… or that he may go back to his ex, instead of making a dignified exit like you should, all of your antennas will go up and you’ll get back into “must win now. must be chosen immediately” mindset, as you further compromise your values, self-respect and self-worth.”

THIS!!! Natasha, I’ve been meaning to drop you a note for a while. In fact, since my last relationsh*t around this time last year. Foolishly, I thought after finding your blog and thinking I was finally “healed” and “fixed” and would never make the same mistakes again, but I committed same-same-but-different mistakes with the most recent guy who I’m now licking my wounds over. What I didn’t realise last time, was how much of the way I was/felt about myself in and around relationships and friendships, boiled down to this.

I’m a fairly introspective person and consider myself a good judge of character, but this unfortunately goes out of the window once I start falling for someone who’s just “so amazing!” and “so different!”. I mistake BS for typical, healthy “baggage” that I can help them get over if I could just be patient enough for them to see my worth; it’s just because this time around, the BS behaviour wasn’t as obvious, and the excuses he/I made were more understandable. It didn’t occur to me until I read this, that a lot of this was stemming from an subconscious need to be “chosen”; it was such an ah-ha moment that I immediately started crying right there and then, and can quickly identify from your help, where this comes for me from and why (which btw, often takes people years of therapy to realise and get their heads around – if ever – so major kudos to you).

I know you will hear this over and over, but you really do have a gift. You are helping so many people decipher between unhealthy relationship/self-esteem patterns, and I often feel like you’re talking directly to me/are in my head and heart, particularly when a lot of people like myself, unfortunately don’t and won’t ever get the basic, respectful answers and “closure” they so desperately feel they need, from people who have shown they are not worthy of their time in the first place. This pattern of thinking is so OBVIOUSLY ridiculous on paper; if only it were as easy to accept and move away from IRL…

I never, ever write comments on the VAST amount of posts I read on such topics when I’m having a hard time, but your words and wisdom are worth a thousand thank you’s and praise. Much love to you, and all the best for the beautiful future you have ahead of you xx

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Hi Ros! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your comment had me in tears! There is nothing that I could ever say, do, give or type that would even come close to adequately expressing the motivation, love, and gratitude you have instilled in me through sharing your story and giving your feedback. Thanks for allowing me to see that I was never and am never alone in my thoughts, experiences, pain and anxieties. All my love to you soul sister xxxx

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Hi Natasha, thanks for this. Found your site throught the emotionally unavailable post and it gave me a lot of much needed perspective a few weeks ago. I love your honesty and how you always drive it home – inward. Keep writing!

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Thanks Vicka! I’m happy it helped & I definitely will! 🙂 xx

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