We all want to feel chosen. Who doesn’t want to feel like out of everyone else, they were the one that was picked. The feeling of being chosen is something that’s programmed in us as “the most important thing.must achieve.always,” from a very young age and unfortunately, chasing the feeling of being chosen like some crazed robot can often supersede what really should be sought first and foremost: characteristics of value such as kindness, emotional availability, decency and integrity.
Who cares how much of an assbag you are? You were chosen to be the Homecoming Queen! Whenever I think of this idea of being chosen, I think of how at school in P.E they’d always have the two most idiotic “cool” people pick teams for some activity and I’d always be the last one standing and everyone would be looking at me and laughing and my name didn’t even need to be called. I didn’t even get to be chosen. The “unlucky” team got me by default. I can still feel that feeling; it ties my stomach up in knots.
We want the teacher to choose us when our hand is raised. We want our parents to choose us over any and everyone else. We want to be chosen out of all of the other girls that he had to choose from; we want to know that out of every other option that was out there, our value was recognized and we were chosen. We won.
The thing is, being chosen doesn’t automatically mean that you are a person of value or that someone recognized your worth.
Ever watched The Bachelor? Notice how with some of the contestants that their need to be chosen and “win,” is actually stronger than their desire to find an authentic connection and true love?
The two do not go hand-in-hand. These people put so much effort into being the “chosen one,” that they think because they worked so hard at it, that this MUST mean that this person is their soulmate. Some people will only put themselves in situations where there is a “choosing” dynamic. If a guy is involved with someone else or if he’s talking to a few different girls, there are girls out there that would rather go for the guy with a lot of “options” instead of the guy that’s available. Don’t believe me? I used to be one of those girls. Why? Because where there’s not a good “choosing” environment, that holds no value or excitement. We love being “the chosen one” and we love other girls to witness and take note that we were chosen.
I’ve known some people to even get involved with people who were married because they need to be in that triangulation dynamic. They need to know that they’re so special that someone would choose them over their own spouse/family. Now of course, this is not the only reason that someone would involve themselves with anyone that was married/had a girlfriend, etc. but it does happen. I’ve seen people who claim to ‘unconditionally love’ their partners, create unimaginable chaos and destruction between their partner and their partner’s family all to boil it down to seeing if who they are with would choose them over their own family! And it doesn’t have to be with other people. You could want (and compete) to be chosen over someone’s job, commitments, religion, schedule, etc.
Those were really extreme cases, but it can also be so much less apparent that you don’t even know you’re doing it. It took years, huge embarrassments, broken friendships and relationships for me to realize and own that I was always looking around for people to make me feel “chosen” because when my parents divorced and married other people, I felt abandoned and alone. More than anything, I wanted my parents to choose me, to not choose this new person in their lives and I wanted to be a non-broken family again with my parents. I felt like I wasn’t chosen because if I was, surely my Mom and Dad would have found a way to work it out. As unrealistic as that is and was, this is the mentality from which my “choose me! choose me!” fixation started.
As I got older, this need to feel chosen happened with men. I wanted nothing more than to feel special and chosen– and I would put up with bad behavior in hopes to finally be ‘the chosen one’ and be the reason they changed.
I even found myself in love triangles with men and in triangles with friends quite often — replaying the triangle of me/Dad/Mom, or me/Dad/Step-Mom, or me/Mom/Step-Dad and as an adult, I was usually never the one that ANYONE chose. As long as being chosen was my number one priority, I always had a hard time with and struggled in dealing with repeated rejection.
The problem is, when you seek being chosen, you are essentially giving a pen and paper to someone else and saying “please write my story; please decide what happens next.”
When you look to someone to “choose” you, you give them the power to select you, validate you, reject you basically and tell you your worth because you don’t know your own. If you knew your worth, you’d know that you are worth a hell of a lot more than anyone who’d have to even contemplate for a millisecond who they were going to choose. By wanting and waiting to be chosen, you communicate through your actions that you don’t know who you are and that you don’t love yourself.
If you’re “lucky” enough to be “chosen” by a guy, you will never be 100% at ease in the relationship. The second that you feel he’s pulling away or his eye is wandering or that he may go back to his ex, instead of making a dignified exit like you should, all of your antennas will go up and you’ll get back into “must win now. must be chosen immediately” mindset, as you further compromise your values, self-respect and self-worth.
If you get rejected or “lose,” yes it hurts. The “silver lining” that you get off to though, is that the “losing,” gives you a license to further justify your mindset and continue the self sabotaging behavior.
So you still think it’s important to be “chosen” and “saved” by your knight on his white horse?
If one person is choosing the other, it’s safe to assume that one person has more “value” than the other person. This is how you get into relationsh*t territory – when you will have one person never feeling good enough because they are at the emotional mercy of the other. THAT is not love, it’s f-ing painful and unnecessary.
The one thing auditioning, interviews, relationships, try-outs have taught me is that whenever I wasn’t chosen, looking back, I can see that it wasn’t good/right for me. I would have been burnt out. There was no enjoyment, I was blinded by the “winning” and being “chosen” glitter.
I got to a point where I needed to choose myself, recognize my own power and accept and reject whatever I wanted to waaaaayyyyy more than I needed to get a p.h D in examining why I didn’t make it on JV cheer or why I wasn’t asked out on a second date.
Part of the beauty of being an adult is that you get to make your own choices, validate yourself and build your own confidence through making decisions that reflect the love and acceptance you have for yourself. Why revert back to your helpless toddler years when you have the power to actually be the somebody that other people hope you choose. You are worth so much more than being a sideline hopeful. Right now, choose you.