When your ex wants you back… Before I even begin, I want to stress that this post does not just apply to romantic relationships. This can apply to your friendships, familial relationships, and professional relationships as well. It applies to any and everyone who was on the receiving end of toxicity, betrayal, disrespect, selfishness, etc., and is now faced with the other person wanting to get back into a relationship with you as a supposed changed, non-toxic, and remorseful person.

This is something that I’ve dealt with many times; something that I’ve failed miserably at handling in a healthy/dignified manner, and something that on so many levels, I am dealing with in my life right now. It feels impossible to navigate because it is an all-out war between your gut, your head, and your heart.

There’s so much material out there on “how to know if your ex wants you back,” “signs that your ex wants you back,” “does he/she want you back? – take the quiz,” etc. I’m not going into any of that.

If it gets to the point where you have to take a quiz or become Inspector Gadget to decode whether or not someone actually wants you in their life

It’s not romantic comedy cute, it’s not flattering, and it’s definitely not worth your time. It’s a red flag.

But what do you do when your ex wants you back for real (and makes it very clear)?

How are you supposed to proceed with the one person who’s now assuring you, won’t break your heart in the same way – or any way – that they ALREADY have?

You’re suddenly hearing everything that you wanted to hear and seeing everything that you wish you could have seen before the tornado hit. Or maybe, you’re just getting more crumbs. But because there are so much more than the few you got in the past… it stops you in your tracks.


Because these crumbs are substantial enough for YOU to construct a loaf out of. So… Is it still a loaf if you’re the one constructing it?

Whatever the case may be, the other party has either done or said enough for you to at the very least, stop and think about what to do and how to proceed. And because we are energetic beings, this usually happens right at the moment when you’ve made the decision to surrender to what is, accept, let go and do your best to move on with the picked up pieces of your broken heart in tow.

Here’s what to do when your ex wants you back and what you need to know so that you can make the right decision for YOU…

When the offending party returns with their emotional hat in hand, it’s really easy to get swept up in the mere fact that they’re back and because of that, feel like we don’t need to remain kindly inquisitive and keep ourselves at an emotional arms length. So… We prematurely open our hearts, ears, and legs to ASSUMPTIONS that cater to our desire to be chased, needed (as opposed to being wanted), and fought for.

When your ex wants you back, make sure that you’ve taken time for yourself to process and digest the pain before engaging in communication – on any level. The moment that someone hurts you, even though it may have been completely unintentional, they forfeit the right to critique how you choose to process your pain (as long as you’re not being petty, abusive, and seeking a reaction/revenge).

If they have that much of a problem with you backing off and needing time to heal, maybe they should have been more mindful when they did what they did to cause you pain and sever the relationship (in some cases, more than once).

Whatever you decide to do, here’s what to keep in mind when your ex wants you back:

  • The reason.

    Chances are, you won’t need to dig very deep or refresh your memory much to pin point the reason why you broke up. First, you need to ask yourself, “Has the reason that we broke up changed?” – not changed a little, not selectively changed, not changed because there’s the potential of getting laid, not changed here and there, but CHANGED.

    Yes, this can take time to fully figure out, but if they haven’t changed (which takes something called time, commitment and a desire to change independent of selfish needs + the ability to view themselves and their actions in a not so positive light so that genuine responsibility and accountability can be taken), you’ll still be able to see the little pink/red flag remnants of selfish, hurtful and thoughtless behavior once they feel like they’ve secured friendship (at a very minimum) with you. Remember – you didn’t breakup just because. You broke up for a reason. Make sure that reason, and any “symptoms” of it, are no longer in tact. You need to identify what it is that you’re going back to and determine whether substance outweighs their empty promises (because until they’re backed up with actions, that’s all they are… empty).

  • Who are you dealing with?

    Bottom line: If this is someone who is emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt, narcissistic, sociopathic or has gaslighted and lied to you in any way, at any time… that’s a hard NO. There is no point in tying your worth to the hope that your ex has undergone a personality transplant in a matter of a hot minute.

    If you don’t speak with your actions and remain on your white horse, you’ll end up reclaiming your role as the resident doormat. You’ll be their on-call therapist/cheerleader/emotional training wheels and down the line, they’ll end up resenting you for the very reason that they fell for you. At the end of the day, no one wants to be in bed with Mommy. They want to be in bed with the girl who is anything but needy. The girl who has limits, standards, values her time and knows her worth.

  •  What are you doing?

    Get real with yourself and stop fronting. It’s the ultimate freedom. The truth really does set you free and your gut always knows what up – no matter how much your triggers and insecurities distract you. Are you ignoring pink and red flags? Are you kindly communicating with your actions and upholding your boundaries. Or, are you betting on three of the most f*cked up things to ever bet on: words, what ifs, and potential? Are you having an emotional jerk off session with yourself? Once again, shining YOUR light on your ex and then marveling at their illumination? Are you talking too much? Seriously. Are you hashing and rehashing the daylights out of things or are you being the quiet and classy observer who realizes that she’ll never be able to control others (nor does she care to), and understands that the only thing she can control is her reaction to the sh*t. You can choose to either stir the sh*t in the toilet or flush. You can’t control the fact that it’s in the bowl.

  • What’s driving you?

    For me, it was always fear. Fear was triggered by my un-dealt with abandonment issues, which made me starving for any little crumb of security. Because past relationships had depleted my self-esteem to the point of no return, I wasted so.much.time on exes (and people in general), that weren’t worthy of it.

    And like I’ve said before… as humans, we will sacrifice our own health, happiness, sanity, and self-worth just to feel one drop of the security that predictability provides. Even if it’s the predictability of our own misery, suffering, and heartbreak. EVEN IF it’s the predictability of a toxic ex. I was so scared of being alone, scared of having to actually feel the feelings associated with rejection, scared of allowing my ex to own his behavior (which would induce so much guilt), and I was scared of him being a better man with a better woman (even though he had proven to be consistently sh*tty with me and reckless with my heart).

  • GETTING BACK TOGETHER when your ex wants you back…

    When your ex wants you back… If you’re going to get back together, it needs to be a positive (not a painful or anxiety-inducing), decision that enables both of you to continue evolving (not just the other party while you yet again, get reduced to their emotional grade school teacher). When I’ve gotten back together with exes, it’s often because I chose to turn my back on the pain of reality and the truth. I avoided acceptance so I could be justified in my pink and red flag blindness. I failed to acknowledge that these issues still existed with my ex, and so “getting back together,” became nothing more than a very lame and watered down attempt at recreating a long lost honeymoon period that lasted once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away.

    When you’re ex wants you back, you first need to see what specifically there is to go back to. I used to think that the level of heartbreak I felt was an indicator of the irreplaceability of the other person and the quality of what we had. It’s not. Their patterns are; their character is. YES – there are couples who get back together and are better than ever. But before this can happen, you need to refrain from acting on impulse and make sure you have a relational foundation that’s conducive to health and happiness on BOTH ends. If one person emotionally and empathetically eclipses the other, it’s not going to work. 

When your ex wants you back – The reason why they want to get back together may very well, be rooted in selfishness. Remember, your heart will always want to see “genuine,” but your gut will always know bullsh*t. Trust your gut.

When your ex wants you back – It doesn’t necessarily mean that they are not okay with their past behavior. It can mean that they reached a level of discomfort that initiated contacting you because they are just as validation dependent as you once *were.* Don’t get into the habit of finishing people’s emotional sentences. That’s their job.

If your ex broke your heart on more than one occasion, this doesn’t mean you need to vilify him/her and think he/she a bad person. They’re just not your person.

When you struggle with self-esteem and are in a toxic relationship, inconsistency will always be mistaken for passion, connection, chemistry, and true love.

And lastly, remember this…

Just because you love someone with all your heart, that does not automatically mean that they’ll have the capacity to appreciate, acknowledge, and reciprocate the love that they so willingly consume (and enjoy the benefits of), in the way that you deserve.

You deserve so much more than going back on a crumb diet.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.


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Anytime you think someone else is giving you what you “need” just to “breathe”, you’re gonna put your happiness in someone else’s control. Voluntarily. Until that gets worked out, you make yourself vulnerable to someone else’s whims. Never works.


AGREED! 🙂 xoxo


This site is f*cking amazing. Thank you very much.


Awww thanks Natalia ? xoxo


Omg. I recently broke up with this boy because we were constantly getting into arguments and we was constantly making each other upset.. And now he said he wants me back and he is going to change his ways just for me.. he said he realized that he’s never had anyone like me and he thought that i was always the problem in the relationship but it was him.. and I still don’t know what to do.. It’s like I want him back but I don’t want him back at the same time. I didn’t want to loose him as a boyfriend and a friend too.. My friends tell me not to date him again because they don’t want me to get hurt.. but like i said before, I want him back but then I don’t want him back.. Can you please help me out ?


And btw, I’ve done Everything wrong at points in my life, so I speak from experience, lol. I took him back after he had dumped me for her, then listened to how much he “esteemed” me over her: “I’m breaking off with her slowly. She asks me to come over and I just say I’m busy. She asks for 2 weeks in advance and I make up something I’m busy doing then too, haha.” THAT’S when I realized what a cruel woman-hater he was. No feelings he wouldn’t trample over. So I saw him for who he was, and woke up. Slowly, but surely.


Thank you so much for sharing Jeanette. What you said in your last comment is pure GOLD!


This is so on point Natasha! Yet again. Enjoyed reading it.


So glad it served you 🙂 Thanks Elizabeth!! XO



Once again, you have not only hit this on the head, you have knocked it out of the park. Holy crap. Everything is so, so, sooooo right on, it’s like you’ve lived my own life. So comforting to know I’m not alone. LOVE THIS TRIBE, and love YOU, Natasha!!! Thank you for helping so many of us with your insights!!! You are truly a gift from God!!! ❤️


YAY! So happy that this was helpful 🙂 Thank YOU Karen! I love that you’re part of this tribe and I love you too sister! XOXO


I’ve been reading your blog for a while now (and re-reading over and over again when I need the reminders) and never commented but I just wanted to let you know (in case you ever need the reminder) that you have helped me more than you could imagine. Being in relationsh*ts as you so appropriately call them can be incredibly isolating but the space you’ve created here takes all the shame out of it – it is definitely a comfort to know it’s not personal, we’re not alone, and it’s never too late to get out and use the hard learned lessons to become the best version of ourselves. Thank you for your vulnerability and your grace. I’ll continue to support you like you have me (without even knowing). xx


Thank you for expressing my teardrops with eloquence




Hi Sb! It was, is and will always be my honor to help <3 Thank you for taking the time to comment and for allowing me to further realize that I was never alone in emotions, feelings and experiences that for so long, I felt completely alone in.

You are incredible.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You've got my endless love, belief in you and support always 🙂 XOXO


OMG I have been through so much and I keep coming back here to read things to remind me of why I should love myself and not let a horrible selfish manipulative guy get the best of me. I will say this over again, I wish I saw your blog earlier and maybe I would have remained on the white horse and not acted to desperately over a guy who clearly didn’t give a sh*t about me. I look back and ask myself why would I be crying over a man who would ABANDON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF LABOR to have HIS CHILD just to go be with another woman. Just so he can keep up the lies with her and she never finding out about my son and I. HEARTLESS DEVIL!!
Your page has helped me immensely and thought me to stay on my white horse and speak with my actions. I’m doing just that. I stopped talking, crying and feeling bad for myself. I stopped crying over why a straight up sociopathic bastard would choose someone else and I would be thinking she is better than me had something better to offer him than I do. But I know I deserve better. There is one thing I know….. he hasn’t treated her any better, she’s not better, she was also just scummed just like I did and doesn’t know yet.

How can a man who has had 4 kids with 4 different women meet you and all of a sudden be this amazing guy all of a sudden? He lied to you he had just one child only for her to find out from me he had 4 and she was actually woman number 5 with his 5th child!!! He abandoned us to be with her but I know my son and I won!!!! We won big time. Because a man who lied to me from the beginning that he had only one child, when he already had 3 with 3 DIFFERENT WOMEN shouldn’t make me cry, I should be happy and thank God for saving my son and a from that disaster of a man.
Natasha, I cannot tell you how much your blog has help me so much. I was loosing my mind asking myself wh?why? Why? But now I know why, he’s a miserable sociopath bastard, who licks empathy and only out looking out for himself.


Lynda, I can’t begin to imagine the pain of all you have been through. You are a true hero, warrior and survivor. The pleasure is all mine sister… I’m honored to have helped. You are loved, supported, appreciated beyond words and never, EVER alone. Sending you big love <3 XO


Natasha, how do you always just know what to say. 🙂

The section “What is driving you?” was spot on. As always I appreciate your insights.

Next stop: googling “abandonment issues and how to heal them”.



Hi Amanda! Happy it helped! And thank you for a new blog topic idea!! Sending you so much love! 🙂 XOXO


I know you have touched base on it before and have revealed some of your own personal experiences with abandonment. I would love to hear more of your insights and views on the topic as I believe we all have some degree of undealt issues.

Your strength, courage, and healing gives me hope of finding these qualities in myself some day.

? xoxo


I’m on it! 🙂 Thanks Amanda! You are believed in, loved and supported. If I can do it, I KNOW you can. Love you sister. XOX


You are amazing! A couple of months ago I got left by my emotionally unavailable boyfriend for the third time in 3 years and this time we were living together. I’m devastated , but everytime I start crying I come back and read your blogs. They make me feel better and that I’m not alone. Thank you for that. I have deleted his number and deleted him off social media I just pray for the day that I stop thinking about him and hoping he’ll come back, the day I’m finally over him. All I’ve read prior to finding your blog is “don’t push him farther away, don’t expect much from him” I want more and deserve more it’s just really hard when the wounds are so fresh and you’ve invested so much time in this person. Thank you again for your straight forward talk…it helps a lot!


Hi Laura! It takes one to know one! – YOU are amazing!

Thank you for taking the time to share and affirm that there is no room to feel alone in these emotions/experiences – emotions & experiences that try to make us feel more alone than ever <3 You're doing the right thing. Just keep coming back to the blog and know that you are eternally loved, understood, appreciated, supported, believed in and VALUED by this tribe and I. All my love to you soul sister 🙂 xoxo


Reading this blog made me realize how essential self love is.
I’ve always found myself tying my self worth to guys but I never knew why until I came across PMS. This blog helped me in a away that I believe no one else could. Thanks Natasha girl ❤️


And… I’m in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart MK. XO


“Just because you love someone with all your heart, it doesn’t automatically mean that they’ll have the capability or capacity to appreciate, acknowledge communicate and reciprocate the love that they so willingly consume (and enjoy the benefits of), in the way that your heart longs for.”





Thank you! Love you soul sister! 🙂 xx


Hi Natasha,
I recently went through a painful breakup and contrary to what I have done previously in situations like this, I cut the guy off immediately with the clear intention I need to move on. As time progressed, I, of course felt week at times and through one of my google searches to distract myself I stumbled on your blog! OMG – since then it has not only opened my eyes on so many issues but has helped me stay on my white horse and trust my intuition and what is best for me regardless of anyone’s behaviour! Now 3 months later I feel so empowered and I thought I should thank you for having the courage to share your story and help so many people who found themselves in the vicious cycle of validation seeking but being unable to pinpoint what was the reason! THANK YOU! Wish you luck with all future projects and proud to be part of this growing community ! Xx h


WOW! You go girl 🙂 Thank you so much Ana – for being an inspiration, a part of this tribe and for being YOU. You are incredible. I’m honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations, but this was/is ALL you. Sending you big love and hugs sister. XO


You’re the best.

How about an article about a valuable man? We learnt how to tell they’re not good enough. Maybe some characteristics of a good one?
Or how to want more? I’m sure there are lots of women who would commit to lifetime of misery with a f*cktard just because it’s easier/addictive/comfortable/invested too much? How to be hungry for a better man? Would be great if you could motivate us a little <3



Definitely! Thanks for the recommendation! Check this one out too! 🙂 XOXO



Does it mean anything if your ex still has pictures of the both of you hanging up in his house?


Hi Samantha!

I would need more details/background info and don’t have the time to answer as extensively as I would want to in the comments section.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.

All my love to you sister!

You’re not alone xo


Reading your articles make me cry, they are such an eye opener.. I must admit I’m an instant fan of your writings..

I envy your insight and the freedom it must bring..


Hi Nusa! Thank you so much 🙂 I’m so happy that the posts have helped. You are loved, understood, supported, believed in and never, ever alone. And remember… If I can do it, SO. CAN. YOU. XOXO


Hey Natasha! I am very proud of myself for cutting an ex off when he broke up with me. It made my healing so much better! He would reach out to me every couple months and I either did not respond or would reiterate that we were not going to be in one another’s lives. Fast forward to now (he ended things 1.5 years ago and I haven’t heard from him since February…thought he got the hint) and he emailed me a week ago about how sorry he is for hurting me and how he hopes we can reconnect but that he’s sorry if he crossing a line and his reaching out is still unwelcome. I ignored him and today got a text basically reiterating the same thing. Girl! I DO NOT care about this man! I have no ill will towards him, I just have 4663 things I’d rather do than have anything to do with him. I nothing him. I didn’t respond because Ive got better things to do and he ends up calling me and leaving me a voicemail…again saying the same thing. Now I’m getting annoyed. Like….don’t apologize for disrespecting my boundaries and then keep disrespecting my boundaries. He’s a dipshit. My concern is that ignoring him hasn’t worked…restating that I want nothing to do with him hasn’t worked… I still the next step blocking his number and email?


I broke it off with a guy who seemed so into me, but when things started to progress around 6 monthss he became EUM. I broke it off right about when he started to make excuses about seeing me. I’ve been through it before and I recognized what path it would go down if I didn’t end it. It was devastating and he was surprised because I don’t think he’s used to women walking away like I did.

I’ve stayed on the white horse for the most part, minor slips here and there. Well 3 plus months later one of his beloved dogs died and he reached out to let me know. I replied my condolences and kept it minimal.

He’s texted me 3 different days now. I know he’s grieving and he knew that I loved his dogs. I’m staying strong but it’s taken a toll on my heart by reopening the wound.

I know he cared at one point and he acknowledged himself that he struggled to open up and that he knew that would make him end up alone even though it’s not what he wants to be.

I’ve walked away and still trying to, it just hurts so, so much.


I’ve been there <3

Proud of you for staying on your white horse Kim. We are all behind you, loving and supporting you 1000%. Sending you so much love. XO


Thank you for being such an inspiration. This blog is the first thing I turn to in my times of need. And I really, really needed it today.

The last time I spoke to my ex, he told me he was happier without me. This was 5 months ago. I have maintained no contact ever since.

During this time, I’ve been working tirelessly to put my life back together. I’m finally building a life that I love and I’m happier than I’ve ever been before.

But, just like you mention in this post, my ex must have sensed that I was moving on, because when we bumped into each other for the first time since the breakup last week, he told me this:

He regrets everything that happened. He misses me and thinks about me every single day. He thought he would be happier on his own but he’s been struggling emotionally without me. He thought that being alone would fix his problems but instead it shone a light on them. He realises that he had someone who genuinely cared about him and went through everything with him (he’s got a life-threatening illness and was in hospital for 6 months while we were together), yet he threw it all away.

I agreed to go back to the flat that we once lived in together to hear him out. But I stayed strong and I told him I’m not coming back. I told him how much he hurt me and how it’s too late now. I told him that he’s bad for me and that he’s not capable of making it work. I told him that I love myself too much now to let the same thing happen again. I told him that I can’t trust him with my heart anymore. I finally took him off his pedestal and it felt so good.

I was bracing myself for some sort of emotional aftermath. But a week passed, and I was still feeling okay. And then today, he asked me to call him, and I fell – no, I jumped – back off my white horse. He told me everything that I had wanted to hear for so long. I wish he hadn’t.

Even though I know that he’s bad for me, how do I find the strength to walk away from the love of my life?

I could really use some of your infinite positivity right now <3

Jen x

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