When your ex wants you back… Before I even begin, I want to say that this post DOES NOT  just apply to romantic relationships. This applies to friendships, familial relationships and professional relationships as well. This applies to any and everyone who was on the receiving end of heartbreak, betrayal, disrespect, selfishness, etc., and is now faced with the offending party wanting to make it right in the form of getting back into your emotional bed (with monogamy, consistency, respect, care, communication, trust and follow-through in supposed tact).

This is something that I’ve dealt with many times; something that I’ve FAILED MISERABLY at handling in a healthy/dignified manner and something that on so many levels, I am dealing with in my life right now. It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking and it’s an all-out WAR between your gut, your head, your heart and oxytocin.

There’s so much material out there on “how to know if your ex wants you back,” “signs that your ex wants you back,” “does he/she want you back QUIZES”, etc. The reason I’m not delving into all that is because I feel like if it gets to the point where you have to take a quiz or become Inspector Gadget to decode whether or not someone actually wants you in their life… it’s not cute, it’s not flattering and it’s definitely not worth your time.

It’s a red flag.

But what do you do when your ex wants you back for real (& makes it very clear)?

How are you supposed to proceed with the one person who’s now assuring you, won’t break your heart in the same way – or any way – that they ALREADY have?

You’re suddenly hearing everything that you wanted to hear and seeing everything that you wish you could have seen before the tornado hit. Or maybe you’re just getting more crumbs, but because they’re so.much.bigger than the few, “hear-and-there” crumbs that you got in the past… It stops you right in your emotional tracks.

Why?

Because these crumbs are substantial enough for YOU to construct a loaf out of. So… Is it still a loaf if you’re the one constructing it?

Welcome to the depths of back-and-forth, emotional-philosophication limbo HELL.

Whatever the case may be, the other party has either done or said enough for you to at the very least, stop and think about wtf to do and how to proceed. And because we are energetic beings, this usually happens right at the moment when you’ve made the decision to surrender to what is, accept, let go and do your best to move on with the picked up pieces of your broken heart in tow.

Here’s what to do when your ex wants you back + what you need to know so that you can make the right decision for YOU…

When the offending party returns with their emotional hat in hand, it’s really easy to get swept up in the mere fact that they’re back and because of that, feel like we don’t need to remain kindly inquisitive and keep ourselves at an emotional arms length. So… We prematurely open our hearts, ears and legs to ASSUMPTIONS that cater to our desire to be chased, needed (as opposed to being wanted), and fought for.

When your ex wants you back, make sure that you’ve taken time for yourself to think, process and digest the pain before engaging in communication on any level. The moment that someone hurts you, even though it may have been completely unintentional, they forfeit the right to critique how you choose to process your pain (as long as you’re not eye-for-an-eye hurting them and are speaking with your actions/respectfully taking the time to heal and have your own back).

If they have that much of a problem with you backing off and needing time to heal, maybe they should have been more mindful when they did what they did to cause you pain and sever the relationship (in some cases, more than once).

Whatever you decide to do, here’s what to keep in mind when your ex wants you back:

  • The reason.

    Chances are, you won’t need to dig very deep or refresh your memory much to pin point the reason why you broke up. First and foremost ask yourself, “Has the reason that we broke up changed?” – not changed a little, not selectively changed, not changed because there’s the potential of getting laid, not changed here and there, but CHANGED. Yes, this can take time to fully figure out, but if they haven’t changed (which takes something called time, commitment and a desire to change independent of selfish needs + the ability to view themselves and their actions in a not so positive light so that genuine responsibility and accountability can be taken), you’ll still be able to see the little pink/red flag remnants of selfish, hurtful and thoughtless behavior once they feel like they’ve secured friendship at a very minimum with you. Remember – you didn’t breakup just because. You broke up for A REASON. Make sure that reason and any “symptoms” of, are no longer in tact. You need to first identify what is is that you’re going back to and second, determine whether substance outweighs the superficiality of their assertions (because until they’re backed up with actions, that’s all they are… SUPERFICIAL).

  • Who are you dealing with?

    BOTTOM LINE: If this is someone who is emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt, narcissistic, sociopathic or has gaslighted and lied/decieved you in any way, at any time… that’s a hard NO. There is no point in tying your worth to the hope that your ex has undergone a personality transplant in a matter of a hot minute. If you don’t speak with your actions and remain on your white horse, you’ll end up reclaiming your role as resident doormat. You’ll be their on-call therapist/cheerleader/emotional training wheels and down the line, they’ll end up resenting you for the very reason that they fell for you. At the end of the day, no one wants to be in bed with Mommy. They want to be in bed with the girl who is anything but needy. The girl who has limits, standards, values her time and knows her worth.

  •  What are you doing?

    It’s hard, but getting real with yourself and ceasing to front is the ultimate freedom. The truth really does set you free and your gut always knows whats up, no matter how much the Happily Ever After ideal and ovulatory forces try to detract. Are you ignoring pink and red flags? Are you kindly communicating with your actions and upholding your boundaries or are you betting on 3 of the most f*cked up things to EVER bet on: words, “what ifs,” and potential? Are you having an emotional jerk off session with yourself; once again shining YOUR light on your ex and then marveling at their illumination? Are you talking to much? Seriously. Are you hashing and rehashing the daylights out of things or are you being the quiet and classy observer who realizes that she’ll never be able to control others (nor does she care to), and understands that the only thing she can control is her reaction to the sh*t. You can choose to either stir the sh*t in the toilet or flush. You can’t control the fact that it’s in the bowl.

  • What’s driving you?

    For me, it was always FEAR. Fear was triggered by my un-dealt with abandonment issues, which made me STARVING for a crumb of security. Because past relationsh*ts depleted my self esteem to the extent that I allowed them to, I wasted so.much.time on exes (and people in general), that weren’t worthy of it. And like I’ve said before – as humans, we will sacrifice our own health, happiness, sanity and self worth JUST TO FEEL AN OUNCE of the security that predictability provides – EVEN IF it’s the predictability of our own misery, suffering and heartbreak. EVEN IF it’s the predictability of a f*cktard. I consistently chose known hell over unknown heaven because it was just too painful to bank on happiness in which history had proven that the other shoe would always, at some point, DROP. I was so scared of being alone, scared of having to actually FEEL the feelings associated with rejection, scared of allowing my ex to own his behavior (which would induce so much guilt), and I was scared of him being a better man with a better woman (even though he had proven to be consistently sh*tty with me and reckless with my heart).

  • GETTING BACK TOGETHER when your ex wants you back…

    When your ex wants you back… If you’re going to get back together, it needs to be a positive (NOT a painful or anxiety-inducing), decision that enables both of you to continue evolving (not just the other party while you yet again, get reduced to their emotional grade school teacher). When I’ve gotten back together with exes, it’s often because I chose to turn my back on the pain of reality and the truth. I avoided acceptance so I could be justified in my pink and red flag blindness. I failed to acknowledge that these issues still existed with my ex, and so “getting back together,” became nothing more than a very lame and watered down attempt at recreating a long lost honeymoon period that lasted once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away. When you’re ex wants you back, you first need to see what specifically there is to go back to. I used to think that the level of heartbreak I felt was an indicator of the irreplaceability of the other person and the quality of what we had. It’s not. Their consistent ACTIONS are; their CHARACTER is. As humans, we are physically designed to be resistant to change, but resistance to emotional change doesn’t come as easy. YES – there are couples that get back together and they’re better than ever. They evolve together and individually, but before this can happen, you need to restrain from acting on impulse and make sure you have a relational foundation that’s conducive to health and happiness on BOTH ends. If one person emotionally and empathetically eclipses the other, it’s not going to work. 

When your ex wants you back – You need to understand that the reason why he wants to get back together and the reasons why he misses the relationship, may be at the expense of your heart (selfish). Remember – your heart will always want to see “genuine,” but your gut will always know bullsh*t. Trust your gut. Become bffs with it.

When your ex wants you back – It doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not okay with his past behavior. It means that he’s reached a level of discomfort that initiated reaching out because HE’S JUST AS SCARED AS YOU ARE. Don’t over-inflate what isn’t there.

If he broke you on more than one occasion, this doesn’t mean you need to vilify him and think he’s a bad person… He’s just not YOUR person. And yeah, it hurts… but it’s okay because when you see the emotional wood for the trees, you realize that it’s no longer about you because IT NEVER WAS.

When you’re in a relationsh*t… Fear of abandonment, drama and crumbs will always be mistaken for passion, connection, chemistry and love because that’s what people with low self esteem do.

And lastly, remember this…

Just because you love someone with all your heart, it doesn’t automatically mean that they’ll have the capability or capacity to appreciate, acknowledge communicate and reciprocate the love that they so willingly consume (and enjoy the benefits of), in the way that your heart longs for.

Love YOU first and if you can’t, just know that I do. I see you, I am you and I’ve been there.

Like Drake says, “know yourself, know your worth.”

You are the furthest thing from alone.

xx Natasha

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25 comments

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Anytime you think someone else is giving you what you “need” just to “breathe”, you’re gonna put your happiness in someone else’s control. Voluntarily. Until that gets worked out, you make yourself vulnerable to someone else’s whims. Never works.

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AGREED! 🙂 xoxo

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And btw, I’ve done Everything wrong at points in my life, so I speak from experience, lol. I took him back after he had dumped me for her, then listened to how much he “esteemed” me over her: “I’m breaking off with her slowly. She asks me to come over and I just say I’m busy. She asks for 2 weeks in advance and I make up something I’m busy doing then too, haha.” THAT’S when I realized what a cruel woman-hater he was. No feelings he wouldn’t trample over. So I saw him for who he was, and woke up. Slowly, but surely.

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Thank you so much for sharing Jeanette. What you said in your last comment is pure GOLD!

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This is so on point Natasha! Yet again. Enjoyed reading it.

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So glad it served you 🙂 Thanks Elizabeth!! XO

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O.M.F.G.

Once again, you have not only hit this on the head, you have knocked it out of the park. Holy crap. Everything is so, so, sooooo right on, it’s like you’ve lived my own life. So comforting to know I’m not alone. LOVE THIS TRIBE, and love YOU, Natasha!!! Thank you for helping so many of us with your insights!!! You are truly a gift from God!!! ❤️

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YAY! So happy that this was helpful 🙂 Thank YOU Karen! I love that you’re part of this tribe and I love you too sister! XOXO

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I’ve been reading your blog for a while now (and re-reading over and over again when I need the reminders) and never commented but I just wanted to let you know (in case you ever need the reminder) that you have helped me more than you could imagine. Being in relationsh*ts as you so appropriately call them can be incredibly isolating but the space you’ve created here takes all the shame out of it – it is definitely a comfort to know it’s not personal, we’re not alone, and it’s never too late to get out and use the hard learned lessons to become the best version of ourselves. Thank you for your vulnerability and your grace. I’ll continue to support you like you have me (without even knowing). xx

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SB-
Thank you for expressing my teardrops with eloquence

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<3 XOXO

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Hi Sb! It was, is and will always be my honor to help <3 Thank you for taking the time to comment and for allowing me to further realize that I was never alone in emotions, feelings and experiences that for so long, I felt completely alone in.

You are incredible.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You've got my endless love, belief in you and support always 🙂 XOXO

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It makes me happy to see how many women you have helped and continue to do so!
I am so impressed and in awe.
Big hug!!

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Thank you! Love you soul sister! 🙂 xx

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OMG I have been through so much and I keep coming back here to read things to remind me of why I should love myself and not let a horrible selfish manipulative guy get the best of me. I will say this over again, I wish I saw your blog earlier and maybe I would have remained on the white horse and not acted to desperately over a guy who clearly didn’t give a sh*t about me. I look back and ask myself why would I be crying over a man who would ABANDON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF LABOR to have HIS CHILD just to go be with another woman. Just so he can keep up the lies with her and she never finding out about my son and I. HEARTLESS DEVIL!!
Your page has helped me immensely and thought me to stay on my white horse and speak with my actions. I’m doing just that. I stopped talking, crying and feeling bad for myself. I stopped crying over why a straight up sociopathic bastard would choose someone else and I would be thinking she is better than me had something better to offer him than I do. But I know I deserve better. There is one thing I know….. he hasn’t treated her any better, she’s not better, she was also just scummed just like I did and doesn’t know yet.

How can a man who has had 4 kids with 4 different women meet you and all of a sudden be this amazing guy all of a sudden? He lied to you he had just one child only for her to find out from me he had 4 and she was actually woman number 5 with his 5th child!!! He abandoned us to be with her but I know my son and I won!!!! We won big time. Because a man who lied to me from the beginning that he had only one child, when he already had 3 with 3 DIFFERENT WOMEN shouldn’t make me cry, I should be happy and thank God for saving my son and a from that disaster of a man.
Natasha, I cannot tell you how much your blog has help me so much. I was loosing my mind asking myself wh?why? Why? But now I know why, he’s a miserable sociopath bastard, who licks empathy and only out looking out for himself.

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Lynda, I can’t begin to imagine the pain of all you have been through. You are a true hero, warrior and survivor. The pleasure is all mine sister… I’m honored to have helped. You are loved, supported, appreciated beyond words and never, EVER alone. Sending you big love <3 XO

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Natasha, how do you always just know what to say. 🙂

The section “What is driving you?” was spot on. As always I appreciate your insights.

Next stop: googling “abandonment issues and how to heal them”.

<3

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Hi Amanda! Happy it helped! And thank you for a new blog topic idea!! Sending you so much love! 🙂 XOXO

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I know you have touched base on it before and have revealed some of your own personal experiences with abandonment. I would love to hear more of your insights and views on the topic as I believe we all have some degree of undealt issues.

Your strength, courage, and healing gives me hope of finding these qualities in myself some day.

💛 xoxo

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You are amazing! A couple of months ago I got left by my emotionally unavailable boyfriend for the third time in 3 years and this time we were living together. I’m devastated , but everytime I start crying I come back and read your blogs. They make me feel better and that I’m not alone. Thank you for that. I have deleted his number and deleted him off social media I just pray for the day that I stop thinking about him and hoping he’ll come back, the day I’m finally over him. All I’ve read prior to finding your blog is “don’t push him farther away, don’t expect much from him” I want more and deserve more it’s just really hard when the wounds are so fresh and you’ve invested so much time in this person. Thank you again for your straight forward talk…it helps a lot!

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Hi Laura! It takes one to know one! – YOU are amazing!

Thank you for taking the time to share and affirm that there is no room to feel alone in these emotions/experiences – emotions & experiences that try to make us feel more alone than ever <3 You're doing the right thing. Just keep coming back to the blog and know that you are eternally loved, understood, appreciated, supported, believed in and VALUED by this tribe and I. All my love to you soul sister 🙂 xoxo

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Reading this blog made me realize how essential self love is.
I’ve always found myself tying my self worth to guys but I never knew why until I came across PMS. This blog helped me in a away that I believe no one else could. Thanks Natasha girl ❤️

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And… I’m in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart MK. XO

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“Just because you love someone with all your heart, it doesn’t automatically mean that they’ll have the capability or capacity to appreciate, acknowledge communicate and reciprocate the love that they so willingly consume (and enjoy the benefits of), in the way that your heart longs for.”

Word.

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🙂 XOXO

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