Since it’s Halloween weekend, let’s talk about ghosts…
Even if you haven’t heard of “ghosting,” you’ve definitely ghosted or been ghosted
some, a few, infinity times. Urban Dictionary defines ghosting as:
“The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone that the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.”
I’ve kinda touched on it here, but I clearly need to write a post on ghosting because it’s an epidemic.
But what about the other kind of ghosting?: When you’re fresh off a breakup (or maybe months or even a year or more has passed), and you still see his ghost eve.ry.where.
You can’t go to certain places because you’ll feel the presence of the guy that you thought he was, the great, happy guy that he probably is now, with her. You hear his laugh, see his smile and feel his “absent presence,” all around. You’re doing your best to move on, but you can’t. Everywhere you go, every thing you do… his ghost is there. You can’t even catch a break in your sleep.
Everything seems so dark and you just feel so alone, but there he is, at every turn. I call that “absent presence.” It can also be referred to as mind f*ckery at its finest.
Even Tim McGraw gets it. Remember his song “Everywhere?” This is EXACTLY what happens.
So, what do you do when you can’t help but see the ghost of your ex boyfriend everywhere?
Understand that after a breakup, no matter what happened, there is always an inevitable haunting stage. When you experience emotional trauma, it leaves an imprint in your psyche and all of that negative emotion, dissolution and heartbreak gets stored in all of your tissues, your muscles (why do you think your muscles get knotted up? Why do you think I had such bad TMJ for so many years?), and in your heart. When you sleep, your mind goes on over-drive (hence the bad dreams) to try and make sense of it all, while your body tries to get some rest.
If you know that his ghost is there, it won’t startle you as much when it pops up; it’s normal, it’s part of the healing process. You can think of your ex boyfriend, see his ghost and feel his presence, but you can also still move on, just remember:
- The two A’s: Acknowledgement and Acceptance. Initially, you’re going to think about your ex boyfriend, A LOT. And that’s okay. Just remember, you’re still processing it. Instead of fighting it, which will only deplete you of your energy and make you more susceptible to a “slip up” (reaching out to your ex boyfriend), acknowledge that it’s there and accept it. Remember: you didn’t choose to have this ghost of f*cktards past hanging around, but you CAN choose the extent to which you get alarmed, affected and unhinged by it. If it keeps popping up, it shouldn’t be THAT big of a scare. You’ve seen it before; it’s familiar. You got this. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill.
- You don’t have to act on EVERY little thought. There are so many things that you think about during the day. If I acted on every thought I had, I would be in a psychiatric prison within 4 minutes. As time passes, you’ll still see his ghost, you’ll still feel haunted and you may even try to resurrect what you had from the bad relationship graveyard, but understand that just because you’re haunted by your ex boyfriend and your relationship that was, that doesn’t mean that he’s right for you and that you’re not over him. They’re just thoughts, you’re just getting triggered and these are just memories. You have the power to deactivate the bomb before it explodes.
- Control. The only thing that you have complete control over in this life is YOU – your behavior and thoughts. Okay, so it’s Halloween and you may have one too many, but you need to remember that you HAVE full control. If his ghost keeps reappearing, guess what? All that is, is your unconscious processing something before it flushes it for good. It DOESN’T mean that you should try to get in contact and act upon your thoughts.
- Let life happen. When you find that the ghost of your ex boyfriend follows you around like a shadow, you need to understand that while you’re still relentlessly haunted, if you continue to do your best to set boundaries, love yourself, and remain present and active, life has an extraordinary way of replacing those ghosts with the most beautiful light. Envision that light and trust in that warm, golden healing light. The more you actually live your life, the more your mind will have to think about. If you find a moment where you’re not thinking about him and feel kinda happy, even if it’s fleeting happiness, don’t panic! It’s aright. That’s just your unconscious moving towards acceptance. I know acceptance is scary, but by continuing to resist letting go, you are single-handedly dimming your own light and amplifying your desperation to the world. You’re standing in the way of your own emotional riches and your putting it out there to the universe that you’d rather be haunted, ghosted and in the dark, than you would be in a garden of your own abundance and happiness.
- You don’t have to erase your ex boyfriend from your mind. You don’t. You don’t have to erase your ex boyfriend from your thoughts, but you also don’t have to CHOOSE to give those thoughts power. Especially the kind of power that will entice you to make poor decisions.
- Come back here where you always have a home. This blog is a continual work in progress, but my aim has always been to create a place that isn’t perfect, isn’t always pretty, but that I wish I had to go to. A place where you could laugh, feel empowered, inspired, safe, capable, supported, beautiful, strong, informed and most importantly, part of a tribe. My whole life, I’ve felt misunderstood and alone and you have all showed me that I am so far from alone in my emotions, insecurities and experiences. Every time you want to reach out to your ex boyfriend or you have a haunting or a ghosting, come back here and regain your grounding. We are all soul sisters.
Happy Halloween to the best readers in the world! Wishing you all a happy and safe weekend! If you want to see what I’m up to, follow me 🙂