I wrote a post last year about what to do when you lose “The One.” Now, I wanted to write about how to not self-sabotage your relationship when you find The One. Maybe you will relate, or maybe not.

It seems self-sabotage is not uncommon, but at the same time, there is little research on this self-defeating behavior. It is, however, definitely a thing. How does it apply to relationships? How do we know we are doing it? And most importantly, why do we do it? 

So, when you finally find The One…

Why would you ever self-sabotage your relationship? How does this actually happen?

Self- sabotage is always about getting in your own way. Ruining a good thing. Preventing an opportunity from coming to fruition. Stopping a good thing from growing. Pushing away someone who cares for you because it makes you feel vulnerable. Missed opportunities and getting out of the lane you want to be in because it’s not the usual way you travel.

At the time, it can seem like we are acting from our hearts or a place of common sense. But we act from a place of fear when we self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is about trying to control a situation so we feel we protected. 

So, we have found The One. This person is everything we have ever wanted and yet…

Something is STILL not feeling right.

Subtle changes in our thoughts and behavior appear. We get in our own way. We pull the plug, we throw the baby out with the bathwater. We make excuses. We create unnecessary drama and jealousy. We run away. We blame circumstances and events, people and places. We fill our heads with negative self-talk and decide from all of this discomfort, it’s better to quit while we are ahead.

And then, we realize afterward, nothing has changed. We are in the same space and place. We haven’t grown and we haven’t moved forward. We are instead, listening to sad songs. Reminiscing. Romanticizing. Back to square one. Alone.

Can you relate?

Have you ever noticed this pattern in your life, even if it is not about relationships?

If you have found The One… remember, this can also apply to the dream job you were after, the promotion you have been working towards, the opportunity to move and try bigger things, a friendship, networking with new and dynamic people and becoming successful in a field you have been passionate about.

So, if you have found The One and it’s all going great, here are some signs (red flags if you like) about YOU and YOUR actions/patterns that point in the direction of self-sabotaging behavior…

  1. Comparing previous relationships to your new love.
  2. Impossible standards – expecting others to meet them.
  3. Fault finding and setting up fights when your partner is being empathetic, kind, and loving.
  4. Making excuses at best, lying at worst, and avoiding intimacy.
  5. Future faking to “buy time” in the present moment.
  6. Setting others up for failure.
  7. Feeling unsure, afraid or insecure when the relationship progresses.
  8. Expecting things to not work out based on past experiences. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
  9. Not feeling you are worth being loved.
  10. Finding it hard to trust others, even if their actions are matching their words.

It is actually a good thing if you are looking at a new love and thinking that they are sooo normal. Being with them seems easy. We aren’t feeling compelled to hire a private detective and find out what they are “really” doing. They aren’t trying too hard. No “Dirty John” scenarios are cropping up. He/she has good people in his/her life. He/she has goals and dreams (which don’t include you doing surreal things like flying to Vegas and then being asked to get married in track pants). He/she works. He/she has a life and, as Natasha says, is emotionally and relationally ambitious. And now, there is YOU! Bonus!

When we are used to red flags flying and the draining roller coaster rides that go along with emotional unavailability, we are primed to be careful. Natasha writes all the time about the signs things are going well (or not), and how to build your self-esteem. How taking risks in a healthy way and strategies to deal with unhealthy dynamics in relationships that aren’t loving. Natasha is always promoting a mindset where you can grow and evolve.

When we have been hurt badly in the past, we learn to look out for ourselves because we want to avoid repeated pain at all costs. This is a healthy mindset.  But if we find ourselves wrapped up in unhealthy behaviors such as relationship sabotage, we are defeating ourselves and no one else.

What at first appears to be a protective behavior that gives us control – will over time, erode everything we are building and cause it to weaken. Self – sabotage is about safeguarding what we have, so we don’t lose it. But in our efforts to protect ourselves, we can actually prevent the love we want from growing.

 Here are possible reasons you are self-sabotaging:

  1. Being afraid of intimacy.
  2. Not feeling good enough.
  3. Fear of rejection and abandonment.
  4. The fear that you will be “found out,” that we are not as great as someone thinks we seem to be (related to not feeling good enough and auditioning).
  5. Feeling we are wanting things we don’t deserve.
  6. Feeling like we don’t have control over our emotional triggers. We have a codependent relationship with them.
  7. Fearing history will repeat itself.
  8. Believing nothing good ever happens to us.

Remember that ANY time you feel unworthy or “not good enough” in some way, you are feeling you are not deserving of something. It could be happiness, love, success, being popular, worthy of being included, etc. If you ever feel you fall short, in any situation, stop and have a look at why this is happening. Sometimes, backing out seems the safest option when we are in the midst of doubting ourselves or the probability of something working out in our favor.

Let me ask you this: Are you really doubting the person involved or the chances of a relationship with YOU being successful?

Don’t let fear hold you back. Negative thoughts can quickly become self-defeating behaviors. If you keep putting up STOP signs, you cannot tap into your emotional GPS and move forward. When you know that you truly want something, but you are working against that happening, you are in self-sabotage mode. Read that again…

When you find The One and know that you truly want this but you are working against that happening, you are in self-sabotage mode.

We use negative self-talk to crush our hopes and dreams. We decide it will not work because it hasn’t in the past. The sad thing is, if you really believe this, then it will be so. We want something, we get it, then decide it wasn’t what we wanted. But we end up searching for it again. Whenever we work against getting something we want, or throw it away when we do, we are self-sabotaging.

When you have found The One, trust yourself enough to let them in and share who you are. It doesn’t have to be rushed, it is okay to take time to get to know someone and just enjoy being yourself with them.  Share how you feel, and why. Explain your fears and where you think you’re at. It is ok to feel scared and vulnerable. What isn’t okay is when you allow those feelings to dominate your thinking and then paralyze you to the point where you will not achieve what you want.

Don’t stand in your own way.

You have so much to offer, and even if you can look back at a train wreck of a past with previous relationships, know that a happy and fulfilling relationship is something you deserve. You have no reason to feel ashamed or undeserving of good things. Especially someone who can love you.

We all want to be wanted and loved. For many of us (speaking for myself here in a loud voice), we have given out love and tried our best to make others feel wanted because that is the exact thing we were hoping to get back. We have matched our actions and words and shown patience and respect. But it hasn’t been returned.

Here’s my take on that…

If we try to love the wrong people, the result is always the same. They won’t give you what you are looking for. They probably don’t even realize what you are trying to give them.  In our efforts to get love though, we will often try harder. This can set you up for unloving relationships that are halfhearted and one-sided.  Don’t go looking for water where the well is dry.

We can sadly become very comfortable with this dynamic, especially if we have self-worth deficits that we try to fill with how others treat us (seeking validation from others is never a powerful move).

Sometimes, when something good comes along for us, we can self-sabotage it because it doesn’t quite seem to fit.

Someone who loves and cares for you will know how to love you back and treat you right. You won’t have to bargain with them, beg, try hard, or question them or yourself. If you have repeatedly been in unstable or unloving relationships, then when you actually meet The One, you might even find yourself feeling uncomfortable with how the relationship feels because it is a new dynamic.

If you truly have self-worth issues, you will struggle if you are with someone who is able to love you in a healthy way. Whatever you fear the most will be triggered. Self-sabotage is usually an unconscious behavior.

Over time though, it reveals itself through patterns that keep emerging when things are going well.

If you have found The One, and you are becoming aware of self-sabotaging behaviors, there’s no need to panic. It’s a great step forward in recognizing what is going on! Just let yourself feel and decide what it is you are trying so hard to protect or control.

New things, including love, bring excitement and fresh energy into our lives. Sometimes, people can’t go past that freshness, and find themselves constantly looking for a new love. They are serial monogamists.  Perhaps they are also people who self-sabotage because as the relationship develops, they find that scary and overwhelming. The honeymoon period can definitely grow into a deeper more stable love that can last a very long time. A lifetime even. But we need to nurture that love so it grows.

If you have found The One, and you are afraid you might be undermining yourself and the relationship, stop and ask yourself what am I gaining here? What have I got to lose? Write down a list of everything you love about being with this person. Write down all the great qualities they have and how they enrich your life. Write down another list, of your life without them in it. What has changed? Where have they added value? What makes you happiest about being with this person?

When you have found The One, you have found someone you can build a future with. Someone with whom to share your life. Someone who is there for you, through thick and thin. Someone who you can be vulnerable, open, and honest with.

Of course, (and I know this is a real thing too) finding The One is a whole other topic to write about.  If things with someone new are going really well, and there aren’t any glaring red flags, be strong enough to be the person that you actually are, instead of the person you think they want you to be.

Believe in yourself. Be yourself.

When you find The One, life is great. The broken hearts of the past pale into nothing and we wonder if we really loved that person anyway. It was so different from what we are experiencing now.

We reflect on the past and how life seemed to notice when we weren’t quite ready to step up. Somehow, we always got another chance to show ourselves just how much we can do. How we can take on new challenges and grow.

That’s a great thing. We don’t have to continue living a Groundhog Day existence. We can make life happen. We can change things up and move forward in new ways. A career switch, a new city to live in, learning a new skill where we meet new friends. Taking on a fitness regime tied to goals. Won’t it be great when we have achieved them! We take advantage of opportunities that come our way and maximize our happiness and fulfillment by doing so.

We feel empowered and glow inside. Life is feeling good. We are in control and making positive choices. Finally, all our hard work is paying off.  That new guy we are seeing? He is awesome! Came into our lives when it was least expected. Life is rosy. It is working. It is taking us to new places. The “happy place” is real.

Yes, there will be challenges along the way. Yes, there will be days that aren’t perfect. Yes, things will change as the relationship grows and evolves. But that’s all good. It’s all healthy and we are living in real life, not a fairy tale. It is normal to have up’s and downs. As I once said, Prince Normal is our man, not Prince Charming…

Remember the keyword in self-sabotage is self.  It is always about you. Which when you think about it, gives you a lot of power! Power to recognize your triggers, power to revisit what you really want, and power to make changes and choices that will best support you in getting those things.

If you have found The One, and your gut is calm but your head is spinning, acknowledge that but do it anyway. If you have truly found The One, they will support you, back you, and understand your fears. It’s like a bungee jump…feel the fear and do it anyway. There is nothing more freeing sometimes than letting go and facing your fears. It is like going up another level.

Finally, there are enough roadblocks and negativity in life, without you standing in the way of yourself. If you want something… and it’s happening… and it feels good, embrace it. That’s called a green light. This is your lane baby!


This post was written by Lorelle xx

If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with Natasha here.

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Beautiful post Lorelle??. I’m looking forward to a post about how to know when you’ve found the one. This reminds me of the advice you gave me on one of your post about letting people seek you out sometimes, instead of you trying so hard (which I’m really guilty of) . Sometimes I overemphathize with people, and with the wrong people it drains me.
The self sabotage thing rings true to me. After my last bf ( he cheated emotionally and physically) I still suffer from the effects of that. I find if I’m talking to a guy who has many female friends I get jealous and suspicious. I want to find out if there’s more to it. And that’s definitely not a good look. And being single sometimes I do engage in negative self talk ( which I’ve started to change daily…baby steps). So this post came at a great time. Thanks lorelle❤️


Hello Denise!

I love your words. You are really blossoming and gaining self-awareness at lightning speed! Very true about ‘baby steps’. Small daily changes causes big change over time. I used to try too hard once. I spent my time trying to work out what people wanted, and to be that person. To over-consider their feelings, wants and needs and prioritise them over myself completely. I don’t do that anymore, but I understand what you said about that!!!

I am so proud of you, Denise. You are a little masterpiece of inner wisdom! Keep blossoming! xxx Hugs and love xxx

(PS there are not emojis today as I am on my desktop PC not my IPad ;p).


Aawww, thanks so much Lorelle. Your words always ring true to me and I really appreciate them.


I’m so touched by your words Lorelle, I still fall off my white horse sometimes but I know I can’t stew in guilt and shame , so I pick up where I left off . Thank you again for all your empathy, wisdom and heart.
I’m so glad to be a part of this tribe❤️?‍❤️‍?


Hello Denise!
Thank you for your sweet message, and it’s ok to fall off our white horse because when we get back up, we have a renewed sense of purpose and direction.

Guilt is rarely helpful and feeling shame is crippling. Two harsh and emotionally draining things that don’t serve us well. Drop those right now! Always look for the positive, work on your goals and keep your standards high. Hold yourself to them so you can grow and evolve, and bring new opportunities and people into your life. Negative emotions will always keep us in the same place.

I’m so grateful for the tribe too, and when I read comments like yours I truly feel so blessed and happy to be able to connect with others. Thank you, Denise and so much love to you. And if you fall off your white horse, always remember that it remains right beside you. Waiting. You are never unguided or alone. Ever. Xxxx ????


I am really struggling. I’m not sure if I just self sabotage something or whether or not there was red flags. I was seeing someone for 2 months and he committed very early he seemed very into it. But there were some things that were concerning. He had a lot of anger towards his exes and used some very inappropriate language to describe his ex wife. He also used to bring up his excess fare very regularly. He also was somewhat sarcastic and edgy, which manifested itself as a somewhat frenetic energy. Lastly, because he had gotten money in the divorce settlement and had some family money, he did not need to work. He went to concerts all the time, 75 last year. But he was also very affectionate and sweet.

I done a ton of work to make sure that I showed up as a loving partner. I was not needy I was not jealous and a general I was very loving. He introduced me to his daughter and we had plans into the future. Then New Year’s happened. The weekend before new years we had one evening where he was ranting and very negative. In response I became quite quiet and I wanted to talk to my therapist about how to deal with it. Then on New Year’s Eve, We spent time at his house Watching movies. Here’s where I get confused, that evening I started to ask him about a goal that he had mentioned. Specifically writing about this music that he went to go see. I was somewhat forceful in the conversation, and I was making a lot of suggestions about the things that he could do.

He melted down unfortunately. He told me he doesn’t like to think about it, that is too To old. I went over and gave him a hug can we stop talking about it. 45 minutes later he brought it up again and said he doesn’t like to talk about it because he is unworthy. I said he was so worthy and all he needed to do which just go grab it. The next morning he brought it up again, and said he doesn’t like to think about it because it makes him regret all the things he hasn’t done. I gave him a much longer apology. I said I was sorry for making him feel that way, he said I did not make him feel anything. I said I was sorry for making him or even influencing how he felt. I told him I wanted to support him in the way he wanted to be supported. We left it at that. He pulled away very severely after that and we broke up the next time we spoke to each other. He said his feelings had changed and he was not as into it anymore.

It is months later and I cannot forgive myself. I know I have never spoken will partner with that level of force before and it could be perceived as very controlling or disrespectful. He had said that we would be able to communicate through any problems and when we broke up he communicated nothing and in fact he said it was not that conversation. I don’t know if I self sabotage this are not and I feel very confused.

What do you t Think. I had done everything I could in this relationship to make sure I manage my anxiety. I gave him a lot of space and a lot of leeway and to let him be himself. I feel terrible about this still and I’m not able to move on. I feel like some relationship killing monster who did not deserve for him to follow through with the communication that he had promised me we talked about how relationships have times where you need to work things through.


Hi Tallgirl,

No, I don’t think you sabotaged this relationship. I think the red flags you describe at the start were signs of things to come. I’ll point them out: Committing early/fast-forwarding the relationship. Anger and abuse towards his ex. Blaming her and being the victim sounds like it was part of it. Wanting to not work when really, he could have perhaps made more profitable and sensible choices such as investing his money. It sounds like from his perspective, everything that happened was someone else’s fault.

In a healthy relationship, two people can TOTALLY disagree with each other, without offending either party or wanting to end the relationship.
People disagree all the time, and all you were trying to do was encourage him. Asking him some questions about a goal he expressed achieving, doesn’t make you a bad person. The fact he stated that you two would be able to communicate through problems, and then him behaving like this (feelings changing drastically and breaking up with you) shows one HUGE red flag: his actions do not match his words.

He sounds emotionally unavailable and immature. Hot and cold and through doing that, he manipulated you into feeling responsible/bad/anxious whenever he chose.

I think it is absolutely great you have been seeing a therapist to deal with your issues such as anxiety. You did so many things that supported him, and you weren’t possessive or expecting too much. You are not a relationship killing monster. It is not your job to put up with anyone’s inconsistencies or anger about things from the past.

I feel from what you have written, if it wasn’t this particular instance, there would have been something else that caused the same result. It’s great he was affectionate and sweet…but if you think about it, pushing you away so quickly isn’t based on affection. And abusing his ex and carrying anger about her to the point of calling her horrible names, isn’t sweet. He could no doubt, turn it on when he wanted. A lot of people can do that. But he was inconsistent, selfish and from what I can see, gave very little.

I understand you felt bad because he melted down, but a rational person would have been able to have that conversation without ranting and raving.
You didn’t need to keep offering apologies as all you were trying to do was encourage him to go for something he wanted.
Him feeling unworthy and looking back at missed opportunities was nothing to do with you. That was all about him as well.

I will be bold and tell you that I think you are being way too hard on yourself, as this man would have continued to unfold in the same direction the relationship went. Unresolved issues, selfishness, anger, and a bad temper. Not a good combination. Blaming others and holding grudges isn’t a healthy mindset. You would never have been able to make him happy because he was so caught up in his own emotional sh*t.

You deserve so much more and if he couldn’t communicate with you over that – it’s simply because he can’t communicate full stop. He might have had some good points, but they were outnumbered by too many red flags and the big I word….INCONSISTENCY.

Does this help? You didn’t sabotage anything, however he did. He isn’t ready for someone to love him. He is too wrapped up in his own emotional drama to be able to love someone back. Write back if you need to, and know that there is so much here to read that will support you through this. We have all been there and you are not alone. XX Hugs


Thank you for the thoughtful response. He asked for exclusivity in less than 3 weeks.

I do want to be clear that when I said that he was ranting he was not fully angry. It’s more like a deep sarcasm and frenetic energy. It was like he was in a mood is the best way to describe it. Hard to engage with, but not abusive.

And as to his exes one he only spoke of fairly negatively. And his ex wife he actively refers to as a narcissist. They divorced 4 years ago and he believes she is “out to make my life miserable”. While the things he described were certainly not positive about her my guesses is that he says she saw him as a free loader. He stopped working many years into their marriage and my guesses is that she thought he was gonna work again after taking some time off. Anyhow none of that matters now. I should not have known so much about them, it was something he spoke of 4 out of 5 times we saw each other.

I have done so much self work and I just feel like I am back to square one; I am afraid to date because it seems like the only common thread in my relationship to this me. I wanna have a loving relationship and I just feel like it is not in the cards for me.


O and I’m sorry he was not ranting and raving during that conversation. His meltdown was that he didn’t want to talk about it because it got him into his head. He brought it up 3 times. At the time he said that he was too old and couldn’t do what he wanted to and then he said he doesn’t like to think about it. It was more like a self hatred, self pity discussion. The 2nd time he brought it up 45 minutes later he said he doesn’t like to think about it because it makes him feel unworthy. And then the next morning he brought it up again and I said it makes him feel like he beat some himself up because of the things he hasn’t done. I just wanted to be clear and what actually happened he was not abusive towards me in anyway. It was more of a frenetic and difficult energy.


Hi again, Tallgirl,

I know how hurt you are right now, I can hear it in your words and it’s a hard place to be.
Be extra kind to yourself. When we feel especially misunderstood and unloved by others, we really need to be extra soft and kind to ourselves. Take a long shower or bath, paint your nails or buy yourself flowers. Cook yourself something you love. Drink tea in a pretty cup. Make your bed snuggly and welcoming and use it to relax and sleep only. No TV, just rest. Sleep and being gentle with yourself is soothing and healing. Read this blog and fill your heart with wisdom and know you are so not alone.

Trust yourself, and that in time, you’ll meet your match. You have worked hard – keep going to therapy to continue building yourself up. You really have so much to offer, and somewhere, out there is a guy whose life is beginning and ending things so that one day he will cross your path.

From all that you have written, communication is really important and valued by you, so know you deserve that. Don’t settle ever. And know you are part of this tribe and you’ll always be supported here.

Hugs and love xx ???❣️


Hi Tallgirl, From what you said above I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s clear to see he had issues before you came along per your description. He has issues he needs to solve before being ready for a committed relationship with you. Remember what Natasha says people make you feel exactly how they feel about themselves. You are so so much more than what he put you through and you are waaaay more deserving of better things than he can offer. It’s tough but stay ?? . You got this


Great post! I feel like I have found a great guy! We’re just in the beginning stages of getting to know each other so I still need more information, but so far we seem very compatible. I’m just concerned because he’s 10 years younger and in his mid twenties. I do believe he is interested in me but it feels like a possible irresponsible risk to take since many men his age are not ready for a long-term commitment. If he were at least 30, I would think that I had found The One for sure. I don’t want to self-sabotage and miss out on a great thing, but I also don’t want to be naive.


Hi Ginna, and thank you for your comment. I understand your dilemma here. Have you read the post published here called ‘MAY DECEMBER ROMANCE: CAN AGE GAP RELATIONSHIPS WORK?’ It’s a great read and certainly something right up your alley with your post! I appreciate your words about not wanting to be naive, as age differences can make you feel you could be setting yourself up for failure but it isn’t a rule set in concrete. There are definitely couples who are happy together, regardless of age gaps.

Have a read of the post I mentioned, Natasha wrote it just last month, so good timing! It sounds like many things are falling into place for you, I would test the waters for the next couple of months and see how it all progresses. There are no hard and fast rules in this world, although it can seem that way sometimes. You have a balanced approach to this and that will pay you back in spades. I’d love to know how it goes, so stay in touch here ok!
Hugs to you…:) and I don’t think you are in self-sabotage mode, I think you are a smart woman who knows what she is looking for and wants to see if this is it. xxx


Thank you for this post, Lorelle. I think you help so many by pointing out that being in a healthy relationship can feel really uncomfortable, especially if you have no idea what that dynamic is supposed to feel like because all you know is toxic relationships. It’s hard to see what love IS when all you know is what love is NOT. And when what love is NOT makes you feel like what you suppose love IS supposed to be (feeling like an anxious, less than, needy banshee). Well, it can be a mind f*ck, under which both people lose. When I finally ran into the real thing, I thought there must be something wrong with HIM. I thought there was a “middle ground” between selfish toxic person and someone who authentically cherishes you. It breaks my heart to think that I could have let that slip away, for any number of reasons that you so empathetically (are you reading my mind?) enumerated in this piece. It takes a lot of courage and self awareness and work to come to that conclusion. Thank you for guiding us in the direction toward love.



Loved your beautiful words and insight. Thank you for your kindness too, I’m always so happy when someone reads a post and connects with it, in a way that empowers and melds with them. I agree with what you write about courage and self awareness. These are two of the most important qualities we can ever have. Courage lets us be bold, take risks and question things that don’t resonate within. Self-awareness acts like a filter and allows us to promote inner calm, trust and to tune into our gut. The exact opposite to that banshee!!! ?

Your words to me are very humbling, I share what I have learnt and sometimes I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had as when they help others, it fills my heart. Much love to you, Irena! Happiness always…
Xx ????


Lorelle and Natasha,

Wow. I am a man and an avid reader of the blog but have never commented before until now. I don’t mean to sound dramatic but this post just saved my life. It made me realize what I was doing and how even though I have everything I have ever wanted, I was sabotaging it because I hate myself. I don’t know what else to say right now other than a heartfelt thank you.


Hi Bradley,

What a beautiful thing to say. Honestly, I’m touched and I know Natasha would be too. I’m so happy that you can write those words about yourself. I’ll tell you why: the second we really identify with how we feel about ourselves, the game changes and healing begins. You have so much insight if you can see what you have – but can’t connect to it because of your negative feelings towards yourself.

Truly! That’s an empowering place to be. You can work on what’s behind your feelings ( and please know that no matter what negativity you’re feeling, you have so much worth and so much to offer) and watch what happens. I’m so grateful when I read comments like yours because I want people to connect with themselves, feel good and flourish. This for me, took years of soul searching, lots of falls and self- doubt. Thank you so much for sharing and I wish you so much success with where you go next in your journey. And believe me, you’ll move in a quantum leap after what you realised today.

You’re incredible, Bradley!
Hugs and love ??


Thank you for this beautiful post, Lorelle. I am glad that you broached this topic. I have been hurt in the past and when things get too good to be true, I would try to find faults and run away. God knows how many good men I left in the past.

#7-#9 on your self-sabotage list rang true in my ears and it took me awhile to see it until my friends pointed out to me. I am currently dating this wonderful guy for almost 5 months now. And when my grandma passed away during our first month of dating, he was there for me which I was grateful for. But as the months passed away, I was getting a bit anxious for the “shoe” to drop. My insecurity took a hold of its own. The shoe did drop and I recently found out that his ex passed away due to cancer a few months before we started dating. They have been dating for 4 years. He mentioned that he have made peace with her death and is looking forward to the future. But you see, a part of me wanted to run away, fearing that he was not ready for a relationship. Why stay and get hurt again? It took me several months to get over my ex so how could someone move on that quickly? But the other part of me wanted to stay because for once, I’ve found a good apple, a bit bruise, but still a good guy who gives me butterflies nonetheless. Even my friends mentioned that I look more happier and glowy. I know my insecurity is what I’ve need to work on. There are days it’s easy and then there are days, the self-doubt creeps back in. But each time, I come back this blog, you and Natasha always help me get back on my feet so thank you. I appreciate it.


Dear Alisha,

I am sorry for the delayed reply. I loved reading your comment. Oh, you have so much power when you can look back and say ” I see my patterns and why they aren’t good for me’…that’s truly tapping into your inner wisdom! I love how your friends support you too. That’s a special gift you have right there, people who love you and share their observations with compassion. It says a lot about you too, you are very lovable. You attract good people.
Self-doubting is a bad habit. It takes time to let it go, but you are so aware of it, it will not hold you back. I am truly rapt for you that you have met this great guy. He has so much to offer you , and yes – you see that! I am so glad you read the blog on a regular basis. It is great soul food when upset, in doubt, in pain or just needing a soft place to land when it all seems too much.
Thank you for writing, and sharing your story. You are definitely in your lane, Alisha. No red flags, just a green light. XX hugs XX


Fantastic post! I am dating and hoping to find the first non-relationsh*t of my life. How do you discern between feelings of sabotage and gut feelings? I have known relatinsh*ts for most of my life I don’t want to get these mixed up. Thanks!


Hi Margot,
that is a great question! Ok: gut feelings are not subtle. They are very often in your actual gut, and they become stronger when you don’t connect to them. For example, someone says something and you immediately get a funny feeling. You read a text message and something tells you straight away it’s an excuse or a lie. You just ‘know’. You bump into a friend, and get a funny vibe. They are smiling and saying all the right things, but you know something is off. Later on, another friend mentions they were making fun of you behind your back. Ding! You break up with someone and a year later, out of the blue you get a random text. You get a tight feeling in your stomach and immediately you think “do not text back. Delete”. That is your gut talking to you.
The voice of self-sabotage is more like a negative overtone. “I bet he doesn’t really think I am pretty. Probably says that to everyone.” Or deciding to cancel going to an event at the last minute because you are scared you won’t fit in or maybe won’t know anyone. Then you try your dress on and decide you look fat in it and choose to go to bed early instead.

You see a job advertised and you have been looking for a position just like that. You read the criteria and start your application, and then imagine scenarios about better people going for the job, colleagues secretly thinking you are not good enough for the role and you start to doubt yourself. The result – you don’t put in for the job, but deep down regret it afterwards.

This is self-sabotage. It is when you have good things around you and instead of embracing them and the favourable circumstances they bring, you pour water on the sparks of opportunity so no fire can grow.

Gur feelings are usually instant responses that come out of nowhere. Your gut instinct is there to protect you. Self-sabotage just brings you down and is triggered by insecurities and ingrained patterns. It sounds like excuses, often comes with little evidence and is a low energy feeling.

I hope this helps, Margot, and without a doubt, there is a guy out there who would love to be with you. Stay in your lane and pay attention to your self-talk. Finally, always remember to respond – not to react. That is one of Natasha’s golden rules and it is a powerful one. Hugs to you ! xxx


Lorelle, this was such good advice as I too have wondered how to differentiate between them. I have a question that’s totally off topic. I was wondering if you could expand on a saying that I’ve seen Natasha write several times. The moment you choose yourself is the moment others will want you to choose them. And how to choose yourself in moments when you are triggered.

Thank you.


Thank you from the bottom of my heart Lorelle. This just saved me from repeating the same damn pattern I always do. I don’t know what else to say ? this really struck me and was the gentle push I needed.

Natasha, we can’t wait for your book.


Hello everyone, it’s me again. The guy I spoke about before on the previous blog, well I fell off my white horse and I’m in limbo again. Going back on forth on whether or not I should block him, if I should give him a heads up because, I mean he didn’t cheat on me or anything and to be fair he didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend…I guess I’m worried I’ll come across as mean if I go no contact without giving an explanation. He’s emotionally unavailable and I can’t emotionally connect with him. I try to give reasons for him not connecting emotionally but I end up sad. And he seems ok being on his own, whenever he texts me I feel like I’m just an afterthought and when I respond I feel worse. It’s been 5 months, no talk about being exclusive or any hopeful signs of emotional connection. Am I just someone for the moment?? I feel like I’m that forgettable


Hi again Denise,

I’ve read your words many times. And you know, the answer you want is in your post. If you know he is emotionally unavailable, and you end up feeling worse when you reply to his messages, then ride on. Right past him. You are not going to change this guy. And right now, he is unable to give you the loving relationship you are looking for. It’s not your job to wait for him to see how wonderful you are. You are not the easily ‘forgettable’ one. HE IS.
I used to do this too….hang in there like some sweet Rapunzel, just waiting and hoping. Don’t cut your hair though, cut him loose.
I apply this rule to all dealings with others now. Even ‘friends’. If people don’t bother, make excuses, leave me in the lurch, don’t reply to messages, are hot and cold, etc…I just ride on. I used to stress, try harder, wonder what was wrong with me, get emotional, over think and basically waste precious time in life over people who didn’t reciprocate in any way.

You know what to do. And no contact is for YOU. Not him.
xxxx sending you this tied up with love.


Thanks Lorelle, I laughed when I saw the rapunzel analogy, but it’s so true. I love love your words and your support. I’m so so grateful Lorelle❤️




Hi Penny,

I’m so happy to read your words 🙂 Made me smile. Thank you and hugs xx


I agree! Lorelle, you outdid yourself with this one. I say it every time but it’s true 🙂 xoxo


Hi Lorelle,

This article hit me like a ton of bricks. I am a male and after an amazing 2.5 months with a girl she totally self sabotaged out of no where. I met her family on a Sunday, took her out for a great birthday dinner on a Wednesday. On Thursday she picked a fight because she said I was “sarcastic” over the phone and ran far away. I treated her so well she even said

I noticed she had some depression symptoms because of medical stuff she had going on she was always mentally exhausted and I could tell she wasn’t herself. Not just towards me but in general.

Two weeks after she had not bee acting like herself she called me to tell me she was going to therapy to figure out why she felt so depressed ETC. She said whatever the issue was, it wasn’t me and she did not want to “self sabotage” or let her issues trickle into something so great AKA our relationship. Because she was “crazy about me”. Things had been off with the way she was communicating she went from being this great communicator to being short.

Two days later I called her calmly and said “Hey I have seen you for 5 hours in 2.5 weeks, are you sure you still want to go away for Labor Day weekend and meet my family ETC”. She snapped at me and told me she felt attacked and she couldn’t keep constantly defending her feelings for me and couldn’t keep just constantly defending herself. I was so confused. The next morning she canceled the trip.

Then she asked me for space the next day and said if I give her that space things will go back to normal. A week later she called me and said she figured it out, I was the problem. She said I lost my “confidence” after our first argument and became insecure. I told her this was not true. I told her when she would do things like text me at 9 PM saying “getting sushi with christine call you when I get home XO” and then I don’t hear from her and she sends me a text at 430 AM saying “just got home goodnight!” coupled with the fact I was seeing her less, I had a right to ask her what was going on… She then AGREED and said yes my ex used to do that when he would cheat on me, I am sorry I did that. She kept saying “we are still getting to know each other maybe I said yes too soon”. Which was the OPPOSITE of what she had been saying the whole time. ,

A few days later she called me and told me she needed to be totally alone. She said nothing makes her happy, going to the gym, work, face masks with her roommate.. NOTHING makes her happy. She told em straight up she Fell in love with me, told her sister she fell in love with me and that she really had never felt this way before and that guys like me “dont exist” and she knows she could be making the biggest mistake of her life. We ended it on good terms, she told me she sees all these signs it was meant to be with me and she truly believes if it is meant to be it will be in due time. She even made some odd comment about “of course I would call you before I even thought about going on a date with anyone else”. you treated me like a queen”

Fast forward 3 days, I ran into the guy who set us up. A family friend of hers, a guy I have known for 5 years from my gym. I say nothing but nice things about her and he says “Oh I heard you really got insecure after your first argument”. I got upset and called her calmly and said “Hey I just run into M- had nothing but nice things to say about you and he made this awful remark in public about me being insecure”.

She did a told 180, got defensive, told me that this is why she pushed me away and she didn’t see a future with me, because I was always attacking hwr and sh always was defending herself. I was so shocked, she was like a different person from Monday night, and I not once have attacked this girl or even raised my voice, I literally called her to . make sure we were on the same page and all good. She was very nasty to me and basically took back a lot of the things she said on Monday “So what if we had a intimate connection it was 2 months I don’t know you that well”

She didn’t want to say a nice thing about me, I told her again how I felt and she said thank you for your honesty. I said ok, you knew where I am, you know how to get in touch with me I am a man of my word I will not contact you… ” That is how it ended. ICE cold.

The KICKER: Her friend told me she has never been treated well by a guy, that nobody has even got her flowers and I treated her so well, and that she was not used to being treated like that… Her ex of two years, she caught him on tinder, took him back, moved in with him last December and moved out in the same month when she caught him texting a girl saying “My GF is leaving come over”. They didn’t cut total communication until March.

Will she ever reach out again? When we were together she said things like “Oh you still make me so nervous” and “Oh how are you still single” She went from being kind considerate and a girl I saw a future with to NONE of those things. Will she realize she sabotaged this? She literally told me she was going to therapy so she wouldn’t sabotage this and then proceeded to anyway.


Hi Kevin,
first, sorry for the delayed reply and thank you for your words. I have read your comment several times, and in a way, I am glad my response is delayed because if you read this, I would love to know if this woman has reached out to you again since you wrote your initial comment.

I am sorry for the troubles you have been through. You did the honorable thing, you were very good to this woman and the gestures you made and kindnesses you showed her were all from your heart. The fact she couldn’t accept them, is completely about her. Nothing to do with you.

She runs hot and cold, and is seemingly endlessly full of excuses and criticisms. And always the victim too, referring to the fact she tells others no one has ever treated her well, but you know for a fact you actually did! She seems to be comfy with this victim mentality. It shows has some work to do, that she needs to learn a few things about honesty, transperancy and being emotionally available – which she clearly is not.
Please reply if you see this post, Kevin, and let me know how things are. If I was your friend in real, I’d be encouraging you to look for greener pastures and to find someone who is there for you too, as well as you being there for her.

Keep your standards high and know that men like you are assets to the world, you help make it a better place. There is someone out there who will appreciate you, and can love you back. Remember that, as you absolutely deserve it. Its always great to gain a male perspective, so thank you again for writing. Big hug to you x


Hi Lorelle!

Thanks for responding. Thursday will make 4 weeks since we have not had contact- she had her medical procedure on 9/19 and actually is in Asia for a work trip form 10/5- 10/20. She then has a wedding to goto in Mexico from the 22-30th where she is a bridesmade.

She has not reached out at all, but neither have I. I definitely am starting to feel better because for the first time in my life I realize I didn’t do a SINGLE thing wrong to this person. It really hurt me that she accused me of attacking her and becoming insecure when I just tried to be there and communicate with her. All of my friends are telling me I will hear from her again either during her trip or after the wedding when she realizes what she did. The thing is, we were in such a great place, there were 0 issues, we never even argued and she just ran away and blamed me.

The way she left it with me really hurt me a lot, blaming me, telling me that her constantly defending herself was the reason she pushed me away and because I was always attacking her.

The weird thing is for the first 2 months she seemed ready, told me she was ready, brought me to meet her family and the whole time everyone was like “be careful with her, dont break her heart” then she just goes and does awful things to ME! I went to speak to a professional who did not diagnose here but said she clearly has some deep relational trauma issues and that all of this has 0 to do with me.

I care for this girl! I pray she gets to a healthy stable place mentally even if she isn’t the one for me. I just really wonder if I am going to hear from her ever again. A part of me thinks yes but the other part thinks “what is she going to say after all this….” Hey, sorry, I am manic depressive?


Hi again Kevin,

Firstly, I almost guarantee you will hear from this girl again. You know what she is about now, and so if she does contact you, just be polite and yourself, but don’t buy into anything she says too much. You have given her lots of love and understanding already, and she will appreciate that more in hindsight when she realises how kind you were to her.
I know you care about her, and want the best for her, but I am so happy you can see you are not responsible for the way she behaved when you were seeing her.

It seems she is very comfortable getting people to believe she has been mistreated, and I can see why that upset you so much after everything you did for her. Sometimes victim mentalities serve a purpose for some people at different times of their lives. You can’t change that in someone, and clearly she is not emotionally available or else she wouldn’t be retelling this story all the time. What she didn’t see was that what she said she wanted, was actually happening for her with you, but she has issues to work through that are only things she can address, no one else.

The great thing is, now you are free to meet someone who WILL and CAN appreciate all that you are! Someone who can love you back and add to your happiness as well as you adding to hers.

You have learned so much through this relationship, and you did the honourable thing by her. I am glad you are gaining a sense of moving on as space is always good after a painful breakup. Just remember what others say and do is their stuff and what we say and do is our stuff. Never confuse the two. Thanks for the update and if she contacts you, know that she has shown you who she is, regardless of what she might say.
Keep moving on. You’re on the right track. x


Hi Lorelle,

Thanks for responding again. Today makes 5 weeks since I have spoken to her. I actually have been going to therapy and am going to REIKI for the second time today just to heal the anxiety and heartbreak. I only knew her for 3 months but let me tell you this has knocked me on my A** more than any other relationship in my life because she seemed rock steady and stable and said things (without me asking) such as “Im not going anywhere”.

I have also started to realize that while it’s no excuse certain things she did or said were actually done out of anxiety/fear. There were times where we would be laying there and she would say “Hey… I really really like you”. At the time I thought it was so cute and romantic but looking back being able to see clearly I could hear the fear in her voice, the fear that the “other shoe” was going to drop. But, there was no other shoe, so in turn she created the other shoe & turned me into a monster.

Without giving too much away, I don’t really have self confidence issues. I am 29, self made, have a great life and work very hard ETC. The last month of our relationship she would do things such as text me at 9 PM saying “Hey grabbing dinner with Michelle call you when I get home babe” then at 4:30 AM she would text me saying “Hey just got home, night XO”…. & then the next day when I would ask her what was going on because she usually communicates with me and if she was out talking to other guys or something she would say “if im with you im with you”… But the truth is she wasn’t acting like she was with me at all she went from sending me long texts to “hey whatsup” short answers, wasn’t seeing her as much ETC. I know for a fact her Ex cheated on her and she took him back and they moved in and he cheated again. The guy who set us up who I see from time to time always would say to me “Don’t hurt her, be careful she really likes you and dont lie to her! She always finds out!!”

The whole time it just seemed like I was the “big bad wolf” the “player” who was going to hurt her. Even when she called me and said hey listen you became insecure about us you lost confidence in our relationship… I was kind. I did not yell at her I did not lash back out at her. I tried to explain to her it was a reaction to the fact I wasn’t seeing her and she stopped communicating.

After that phone call, a few days later during the breakup call I brought up her actions of her not calling me when she said she would and being out until 4:30 and sending me a text.. Her words verbatim were “Im sorry, I don’t know why I did that to you, my ex used to do that when he would cheat on me with other girls and I would always find out…” During that call she was calm and reasonable She said to me “I know guys like you don’t exist and I could be making the biggest mistake of my life, I fell in love with you and we had this once in a lifetime connection but I need to figure out what I want in life etc. ” She acknowleged that she saw a whole future with me and that when she was with me she never felt that way before but that in August something just changed.. I told her well it isn’t me, I didn’t change, and she proceeded to tell me that nothing makes her happy, not the gym, not work, not putting on a facemask with her romomate, nothing… Well if I am not the problem, why did she blame me, does she not see she reeled me in, introduced me to her family, invited me to weddings 6 months out just to end up treating me like her ex did to her?

During that call on 9/9 I told her I had sent her flowers for the anniversary of the passing of one of her grandparents she was close to because
I remembered it was on 9/11 and that I wasn’t going to cancel them but that she shouldn’t contact me when she gets them and I wont take it the wrong way. Of course, when she got the flowers, she texted me on 9/11 saying “I know we arent supposed to speak but thank you so much for the beautiful flowers it was BEYOND thoughtful <3." I didn't respond.

The next day when I ran into the guy who set us up and he said to me "Oh She told me you lost your confidence after your first argument a while ago" I was so mad, I stayed DOWN for this girl the past month through he ups and downs, never put her down, never yelled never fought her. All I kept saying was "I am here for you, we are on the same team".

Even with all the anger coarsing through my veins. I called her, I shouldn't have but I called her calmly. All I told her was that I ran into our friend and had nothing but the nicest things to say about her & I wanted to make sure we were passed this whole self confidence BS since she admitted on Monday she was doing to me what her ex did to her…. She said things such as "THIS IS WHY I PUSHED YOU AWAY IN AUGUST YOURE ALWAYS ATTACKING ME IM ALWAYS DEFENDING MYSELF". When I told her I was just trying to make sure we were on the same team and I wasn't the "bad guy" she said "I DONT KNOW IF YOURE THE BAD GUY IT WAS ONLY A FEW MONTHS SO WHAT IF WE CONNECTED I DONT KNOW YOU". I asked her if we could leave it on a positive note and she said no. So I told her how I felt (very kind words) and all she said was "Thanks for your honesty". I said cool, you know where I am if you need me, take care."

I look back knowing even at my lowest moments when my manhood was challenged. I was kind. My friend says she was embarassed when I called her that night that I had been nothing but nice to her and I found out she told a third party I lost my confidence… so she lashed out. My friend also said when reality sinks in, and she realizes what WE had (it was real) and how she treated me and how it ended.. The anxiety will eat her alive.. Her work trip concludes in a few days then she is in MExico for a week for a wedding. My girlfriends think she will goto the wedding, see happiness and realize… I really just don't know. But the girl I KNEW wouldn't just cut me so deep like that, say "thanks for your honesty" and leave it like this…

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