If you feel like life forgot about you and are wondering “when will I find my soulmate?”… you are not alone. I have felt so lonely and forgotten about in my life. And the shame associated with it all was even more crippling than the solitude.
We all have these relational expectations that if they aren’t met by a certain age, we adopt a belief system that affirms our perceived defectiveness. And then we wonder why, in every relationship, we are lied to, cheated on, devalued, and disrespected.
Loneliness is not just about having no one to call or hang out with. It isn’t about not having plans or being the black sheep in your family or at work. Loneliness happens when you don’t feel safe to express your truth and be vulnerable. It happens when you don’t feel safe to be who you are. I have felt more alone in some relationships than when I’ve been physically alone.
This all got me thinking about how many times I’ve been asked by readers, clients, and how many times in the past I’ve asked myself, “when will I find my soulmate?”
The biggest fear that all of us asking this question have:
What if my soulmate doesn’t exist? And what if I never find my soulmate?
And since we are doing the “what ifs,” let’s keep it going. What if you were told that you would never find your soulmate; that there was no chance of finding him/her?
I know that’s a really sad thing to think about. I know some of you have gotten to the point where you are so emotionally worn down, you don’t even believe in the idea of having that romantic, one-of-a-kind soulmate anymore. You just want to meet someone who you can share your life with, will reply to your texts, and return your calls. I get it.
Now, let’s switch gears…
What if you were told that you had a terminal condition and only had this year to live? How differently would you live, behave, and think? What would you want to do? Think about it. I know that I would live much more consciously and kindly. I’d also take no time, not even a second for granted. I’d try to accomplish as much as I possibly could in that year and I wouldn’t put up with bs – from others and the cynical audience in my own heard.
Now, let’s go back to the first question: What if you were told that you would never find your soulmate and that there was no chance of ever finding him/her? Think about how differently you would live, behave, and think after hearing that news.
Honestly? To the old me, this would’ve sounded just as bad as “Natasha, you have 1 year to live,” because I live and have always lived for love. If I was told that I’d never find my soulmate, I would probably live the rest of my existence in a deep, dark depression. Some people may say that they wouldn’t care. They feel like they’ve already spent their lives in so much pain and loneliness, what’s another few decades? (I’ve been there too). Other’s would say that they didn’t need anyone to “complete them,” anyway. ALL would, on some level, be sad.
Love is our greatest and most influential motivator. We are all in constant search of someone who “gets it,” “gets us” and that can add to an existence that is hopefully, already abundant.
If I was told that I’d never find my soulmate, it would be the ultimate breaker to every deal I have ever made. My life would forever change. However, I would also be out of the self-imposed prison or pressure. I would finally be free.
Guess what? We are all suffering from a terminal condition. It’s called LIFE. And to the best of my knowledge, none of us get to make it out alive.
It should never take having to hear that you only have a year to live for you to start living on your own terms, changing your habits, and dismantling negative beliefs. The same goes for soulmates. It should not take having you to hear that you’ll never find your soulmate for you to grab hold of your destiny and love YOURSELF.
Once you have the ability to extinguish your fear of the unknown, you can then start to actually live and attract the love you deserve.
If we didn’t deem it so necessary to be on an endless search for youth, for contentment, for the fulfillment, and for a soulmate that is the absolute love of our lives… it would ultimately prove that we had our soulmate with us all along. We could be the loves of our own lives.
Why do we view some people as superhuman? Why are these people’s beautiful and inspiring quotes on everyone’s social media pages? How do they seem to get even more beautiful with age? Why are they so admired and constantly revered, turned to, respected and emulated (but never duplicated)? What’s so different about them?
It’s not that they are any different. It’s that they’ve spoken their truth, faced their loneliness, and become the embodiment of everything that they were ever searching for in their wildest dreams. They’ve become their own soulmate first.
Am I saying that you really have a year to live and that soulmates don’t exist? Not at all. What I am saying is that it’s a lot better of a life when you’re a cake that’s already edible without the icing. If you are, then when anything sweet comes along, it just compliments a cake that is already delicious on its own. Some cakes taste so bland, the icing is the only thing that makes it a cake.
If there is one thing you should make a goal for in this new year, it’s to stop waiting around. If you’re happy, stop waiting for the sky to fall or something to come along and “take away,” your happiness. If you’re not happy, stop waiting for your soulmate to appear, heal your wounds, make you happy, and give your story meaning. Make it a goal for this year and beyond to live your life as though you are the soulmate of it, because that is the only thing that you will ever know with 100% certainty in this life.
Through every breakup, humiliation, divorce, illness, hardship, negative bank account statement, failure, triumph, interview, happiness, travel, celebration, etc., the only recurring character in the story of your life has been you. NOT your parents, NOT anyone – YOU.
If you’re still wondering “when will I find my soulmate?” remember this…
You are the only one that has been with you through everything.
YOU are the one that has wiped every tear and YOU are going to start being your own soulmate instead of your own worst enemy.
Whether you like yourself or not, you’ve been with yourself through thick and thin.
And guess what? You are still here, right now. You MADE it. If that’s not what defines a soulmate, I’m not sure what does.
We have to stop waiting around and start appreciating where we are, what we’ve endured, and what we bring to our own table.
Once you’re truly able to do that, you’ll be at your most desirable and attractive. Not because of anything superficial, but because we are at our most beautiful when we’ve finally given up on being preoccupied with anyone validating our beauty.
So for this new year, stop waiting around for your soulmate and start to being your own. Let’s all support each other and see the magic that happens.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.