If you feel like life forgot about you and are wondering “when will I find my soulmate?”… you are not alone. I have felt so lonely and forgotten about in my life. And the shame associated with it all was even more crippling than the solitude.

We all have these relational expectations that if they aren’t met by a certain age, we adopt a belief system that affirms our perceived defectiveness. And then we wonder why, in every relationship, we are lied to, cheated on, devalued, and disrespected.

Loneliness is not just about having no one to call or hang out with. It isn’t about not having plans or being the black sheep in your family or at work. Loneliness happens when you don’t feel safe to express your truth and be vulnerable. It happens when you don’t feel safe to be who you are. I have felt more alone in some relationships than when I’ve been physically alone.

This all got me thinking about how many times I’ve been asked by readers, clients, and how many times in the past I’ve asked myself, “when will I find my soulmate?”

The biggest fear that all of us asking this question have:

What if my soulmate doesn’t exist? And what if I never find my soulmate?

And since we are doing the “what ifs,” let’s keep it going. What if you were told that you would never find your soulmate; that there was no chance of finding him/her?

I know that’s a really sad thing to think about. I know some of you have gotten to the point where you are so emotionally worn down, you don’t even believe in the idea of having that romantic, one-of-a-kind soulmate anymore. You just want to meet someone who you can share your life with, will reply to your texts, and return your calls. I get it.

Now, let’s switch gears…

What if you were told that you had a terminal condition and only had this year to live? How differently would you live, behave, and think? What would you want to do? Think about it. I know that I would live much more consciously and kindly. I’d also take no time, not even a second for granted. I’d try to accomplish as much as I possibly could in that year and I wouldn’t put up with bs – from others and the cynical audience in my own heard.

Now, let’s go back to the first question: What if you were told that you would never find your soulmate and that there was no chance of ever finding him/her? Think about how differently you would live, behave, and think after hearing that news.

Honestly? To the old me, this would’ve sounded just as bad as “Natasha, you have 1 year to live,” because I live and have always lived for love. If I was told that I’d never find my soulmate, I would probably live the rest of my existence in a deep, dark depression. Some people may say that they wouldn’t care. They feel like they’ve already spent their lives in so much pain and loneliness, what’s another few decades? (I’ve been there too). Other’s would say that they didn’t need anyone to “complete them,” anyway. ALL would, on some level, be sad.

Love is our greatest and most influential motivator. We are all in constant search of someone who “gets it,” “gets us” and that can add to an existence that is hopefully, already abundant.

If I was told that I’d never find my soulmate, it would be the ultimate breaker to every deal I have ever made. My life would forever change. However, I would also be out of the self-imposed prison or pressure. I would finally be free.

Guess what? We are all suffering from a terminal condition. It’s called LIFE. And to the best of my knowledge, none of us get to make it out alive.

It should never take having to hear that you only have a year to live for you to start living on your own terms, changing your habits, and dismantling negative beliefs. The same goes for soulmates. It should not take having you to hear that you’ll never find your soulmate for you to grab hold of your destiny and love YOURSELF.

Once you have the ability to extinguish your fear of the unknown, you can then start to actually live and attract the love you deserve.

If we didn’t deem it so necessary to be on an endless search for youth, for contentment, for the fulfillment, and for a soulmate that is the absolute love of our lives… it would ultimately prove that we had our soulmate with us all along. We could be the loves of our own lives.

Why do we view some people as superhuman? Why are these people’s beautiful and inspiring quotes on everyone’s social media pages? How do they seem to get even more beautiful with age? Why are they so admired and constantly revered, turned to, respected and emulated (but never duplicated)? What’s so different about them?

It’s not that they are any different. It’s that they’ve spoken their truth, faced their loneliness, and become the embodiment of everything that they were ever searching for in their wildest dreams. They’ve become their own soulmate first.

Am I saying that you really have a year to live and that soulmates don’t exist? Not at all. What I am saying is that it’s a lot better of a life when you’re a cake that’s already edible without the icing. If you are, then when anything sweet comes along, it just compliments a cake that is already delicious on its own. Some cakes taste so bland, the icing is the only thing that makes it a cake.

If there is one thing you should make a goal for in this new year, it’s to stop waiting around. If you’re happy, stop waiting for the sky to fall or something to come along and “take away,” your happiness. If you’re not happy, stop waiting for your soulmate to appear, heal your wounds, make you happy, and give your story meaning. Make it a goal for this year and beyond to live your life as though you are the soulmate of it, because that is the only thing that you will ever know with 100% certainty in this life.

Through every breakup, humiliation, divorce, illness, hardship, negative bank account statement, failure, triumph, interview, happiness, travel, celebration, etc., the only recurring character in the story of your life has been you. NOT your parents, NOT anyone – YOU.

If you’re still wondering “when will I find my soulmate?” remember this…

You are the only one that has been with you through everything.

 YOU are the one that has wiped every tear and YOU are going to start being your own soulmate instead of your own worst enemy.

Whether you like yourself or not, you’ve been with yourself through thick and thin.

And guess what? You are still here, right now. You MADE it. If that’s not what defines a soulmate, I’m not sure what does.

We have to stop waiting around and start appreciating where we are, what we’ve endured, and what we bring to our own table.

Once you’re truly able to do that, you’ll be at your most desirable and attractive. Not because of anything superficial, but because we are at our most beautiful when we’ve finally given up on being preoccupied with anyone validating our beauty.

So for this new year, stop waiting around for your soulmate and start to being your own. Let’s all support each other and see the magic that happens.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

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26 comments

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I love you so much. You are my sister for life and I am always here. This was so beautiful! You have such a gift. Please write a book xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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Once again, you brought me to tears. This post was so beautiful, Natasha! You’re the one who has taught me how to deal with tough times. Sending you all my love and best wishes. I hope you get through this difficult period xxxx

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Thank you so much Sofia <3 I'm so glad that you liked the post and thank you for the love xxxxx

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I like it when you dig deep! I so needed this. That is so true that I feel the loneliest when I can not express my truth and be vulnerable. When I hold back I feel fake and can not connect and all because of fear. I couldn’t agree more that people are the most desirable and attractive when they are real. Thank you for being real, that is what I love best about your writing and you 🙂

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Thank you so much Melissa 🙂 xoxo

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I love these posts that really cause me to reflect! What I love about you is that you say something so deep and powerful and at the same time phrase it in such a simple way, like when relate your message to the cake. I’m going to start to be my own soulmate this year, I would not have had the courage to do this without you! Love you! xoxo You really should write a book!!!

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Thanks Catherine. I’m so proud of you, you beautiful soul. Love you too and I’m on it 🙂 xx

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Another great one! I created a PMS Note in my iphone with quotes and excerpts from your blogs. You are amazing. Thank you chica.

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Really? :)) Thank you so much La Toya, that made my day. You are amazing and thank YOU xoxo

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Ditto! I have PMS notes in my iphone too 🙂

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🙂 xoxoxoxoxo

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You have officially brought me to tears Natasha. I honestly don’t even have the words to comment right now.

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xoxo

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Spot on, Natasha, SPOT ON. By truly loving ourselves we are not alone – find contentment and happiness in your life RIGHT NOW. And come to PMS when you’re feeling blue – it always helps me 🙂

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Hi Katie! Thank you so much 🙂 <3 xoxoxoxo

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Ahh Natasha! I seriously don’t think I could have gotten through 2015 without PMS, it’s been one of the most difficult years of my life. It’s almost scary how the timing of all your posts matched EXACTLY what I was going through or what I needed to hear during that moment of my life throughout the year. This one is no different. Thanks for continuing to inspire me which i hope in turn inspires yourself to continue on your journey and your blog. I cant wait til this time next year because i truly believe it will be the year we fall in love with ourselves.

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Hi Gina!

Thank you so much <3 That means more to me than you'll ever know. Thank YOU so much for your love and support. You're absolutely right – it does inspire me 🙂 I couldn't have said it any better Gina; this IS our year xoxo

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Hi Natasha,

What a superb post. This topic was in my head recently and your post came on time. I enjoyed so much reading it and wanted to thank you for being here for us and with us with your wise and healing perspective. I will write a proper comment over the weekend. This was my initial reaction to another great post of yours and wanted to send you big hugs.

love you Natasha xxx

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Hi Shahane,

Happy New Year 🙂 Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I am so glad that you connected with this post. It was and is my honor; thank YOU Shahane <3 xxxxxx

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I just stumbled on your blog while trying to figure out if my ex misses me, and read a few posts. And your thoughts are wonderful. It will be my goal to make myself happy this time. Not just anyone else. I will do it myself. I will make myself happy. This is for me whom I’ve neglected for so long. I wish I could be strong enough to do this. Thank you.

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You are strong enough Rein <3 I believe in you and thank you! xoxo

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Hi Natasha,
I recently got over some jerk because of your posts with the help of me moving and not seeing him again. Also got stationed in California and I love it. My worry is that .. It’s not even two weeks and I’m getting to know someone that was only an acquaintance before and we are already speaking about getting into a relationship. Part of me wonders is he just desperate to settle down with someone or he’s just really that into me. Wouldn’t say I’m a rebound because he never mentions his exs or other women and when I asked about the last girl he just said something was missing and they fought a lot.
Part of me thinks maybe we are just equally desperate or maybe it could be a real thing?

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Beautiful post Natasha. How about when you actually do meet your soulmate. The one that makes you believe in fairytales, you think that you are out of this world rare lucky to have found that one kind of love that everyone dreams of and you live in a dream for nearly 5 years and that person assures you that he feels the same way about you? He makes sure you and everyone else around you and him know how much he loves you. You feel extremely privileged and thank the universe every single day for having such a love come into your life…..until one day, you find yourself suddenly ghosted and cut off. The most excruciating pain ever. When you were fed huge loafs, not crumbs, just to make sure your eyes remained closed to what did not quite add up. The love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend who was kind and so loving, turned out to be a sociopath, narcissist and someone with a PHD in manipulation. I have no idea what was real and what was an act. He was that good. Thank you for this post. It makes it easier to breathe.

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Hi Michelle! I’m happy that the post helped and know how you’re feeling. I have many other posts that will help and wish I had the time to further elaborate here in the comments. Thank YOU for your love, sisterhood, support and for being a part of this tribe. You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, understood, and never, ever alone.

Sending you so much love. XOXO

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Hi Natasha,
I know I’m mad late but I just read this and I agree with everyone’s sentiments on here. You write in a way that’s so simple, yet so meaningful. I am 19 years old and I know I’m young, and have many years ahead of me but today, I couldn’t help but ponder on this question in my mind. I have many wonderful friends and family but somehow, I often feel lonely. My friends have been in relationships/are recently getting hitched with their partners, while I have yet to experience that first kiss. You can see how left out that makes me feel. Anyway, reading this has opened up my eyes to see how we CAN be happy even if we are alone. We, as social creatures, are so fearful of being alone that we forgot how to be okay with it.Thank you for being uplifting.

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Hi Stephanie! I am so happy and honored to help. Thanks for the love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone ????

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