I will never be able to reiterate enough times the importance, benefit, and impact of knowing exactly what to do in your most painful, desperate, angry and triggered moments: Stay on your white horse.
As I wrote in a past post:
“ALWAYS stay on your white horse. If you ever want anyone who hurt and disrespected you to have one fraction of an idea of the hell, heartbreak, and painful embarrassment that he/she put you through… Cut.them.off.
Let your silence do the talking and always maintain grace under pressure by staying on your white horse.
And don’t worry about the other person forgetting you. They won’t.
Think about it – when it’s a holiday or your birthday, who do you remember more? – The people who wished you a happy birthday/holidays or the one who didn’t?
Be your own knight in shining armor. The only people who are interested in “saving you,” are the ones who feel that by doing so, they’ll be able to secure control over your emotional weather. Emotionally available lovers and friends won’t be turned on by having to “save” you out of your own insecurities. Be the RESPONSIVE class act that everyone is in awe of instead of the REACTIONARY resident psycho who needs a muzzle and a leash. Exhibit grace under pressure when all you want to do is retaliate and react.
A monkey could snap its fingers, flip its hair and throw out a few one-liners that are sharper than a dagger. It takes someone with real power and strength to remain calm, communicate through her actions and move on.
There’s no need to be the moral police or anyone’s emotional training wheels here. You don’t need to show grown adults “the right way to behave,” or lose your cool and get crazy labeled. It’s not your job. Don’t allow people set off your triggers and push your buttons. Only YOU know the combination to that lock. Not them.
If you want someone to know how you truly feel and have an idea of what they have done: Stay calm and never lower yourself to a level in which you attempt to re-package and throw back pain and/or drama that they caused, just so you can feel like you’re in control for a hot minute. It will boomerang right back every time.”
And while that could make all of the logical sense in the world…
Our insecurities, fears, and emotions negate logic. They also negate reality and disable our ability to see the long-term, unf*ckwithable confidence and power that is attained by staying on our white horse and NOT pursuing short-term satisfaction.
Short-term action is always taken very quickly on emotional impulse after being triggered. It could be a social media post, a “like” on his photo from someone you don’t know, a song… anything.
And there you are with the biggest wave crashing down on you. Instead of grasping to the knowingness that this wave, like all waves, will pass and you WILL survive, you frantically look for a life raft to grasp in the form of re-engaging, blocking, unfollowing, contacting his Mother, etc. And the “life raft” that you are convinced will keep you afloat only proves to do so as long as you expend your dignity, reputation, power and self-esteem to inflate it.
For the last 8 days, I’ve been dealing with the worst case on dermatitis/eczema ON MY FACE and cannot tell you how many times I’ve inspected my skin in the mirror while crying my eyes out.
There were so many times I got in my car to go pick up the prescription for a strong steroid creme waiting for me at the pharmacy. I knew that the creme would knock it out in 2 seconds, but then what? I’ve tried the cremes before and although it does remedy the cosmetic issue, it creates a whole host of others.
This time, I was more scared of the consequences of acting on impulse than I was of having it for however long it would take to heal the internal dis-ease/inflammation that was causing the eczema. I didn’t want to create a dependency on the creme or damage my skin further in the name of a “must-fix-this-now” freak out. So, I went to a naturopath (not for everybody, this is just what I chose to do), and healed the problem from within. For once in my life, I’m not worried at all about it returning because I am now in control. My skin is not only back to normal, it looks better than it ever has.
And that’s the thing… You can never be standing in the control and light of your own power WHILE being emotionally impulsive. And because control/power and impulse cannot coexist, they always come at an emotional cost that we convince ourselves we can afford in the moment, but are never quite able to. None of us will ever have the emotional currency for that.
It’s tough enough living in a society that feeds on cracking our impulse codes and draining our wallets. Why do we submit to cracking our own?
Whether it’s with a fake friend, an ex, a family member or in business, I have found myself reengaging because of these Armageddon-type waves that would come crashing down. I like to call them pain contractions. I was triggered, hurt, I needed closure and deep down, I needed the validation that I wasn’t as forgettable and discardable as the other person’s actions made me feel.
It never worked. It just depleted me of my power, made me look crazy and destroyed my chances of ever being “the one that got away,” because I couldn’t leave well enough alone. Even after the initial fall from my white horse.
I’ve gotten off of my white horse many times in the name of what I thought in the heat of the emotional moment was “sticking up for myself.” It wasn’t. It was my own reverse narcissism at its zenith. I didn’t know what to do.
There is truly no one in my life who’s ever f*cked with and hurt me more than I’ve f*cked with and hurt myself.
How do you know what to do when you give into your fears, insecurities, pain, triggers and (willingly) fall right off of your white horse?
HOW do you deal when you were doing SO WELL and in a weak moment, broke no contact and now everything has gone to complete sh*t?
How do you clean the mess you just made? Is there any hope of ever getting your power back?
Is there a way to fix this kind of conscious/under-a-spell subconscious f*ckup?
There is. And it’s simple. Here’s what to do…
As far as what to do and how to get back on your white horse after falling off, you first need to identify where you’re at.
You are most likely in that horrible limbo land of feeling pathetic, defeated, stupid, angry at yourself and in many ways, back at square one; not knowing at all what to do.
Instead of allowing those feelings to infiltrate to such an extent that they disable your emotional survival instincts and power from kicking in, feel every ounce of the emotions that you’re feeling. FEEL the pain, the bruises and the COST of getting off of your white horse.
If you don’t vow to USE these feelings and this experience as propellant out of ever reengaging again, you’ll keep engaging from the justification mentality of “what’s-the-use-?-I’ve-already-ruined-it,” and then become a sitting duck for ex-friendsh*t/relationsh*t, doormat/f*ck buddy status.
You are not pathetic or weak. You fell off and it’s okay. One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite people, Les Brown:
“When life knocks you down (aka when you fall off of your white horse), try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. Let your reason get you back up.”
We have ALL been there. We’ve all lost our cool, our dignity and our sanity. Allow that depletion to be your REASON to get back up and on your white horse.
The ability to say “no,” and back it up with consistent actions that are rooted in the respect you have for yourself and the value you don’t need anyone to tell you that you have is SOLID GOLD.
The day that you’re able to say “no more,” even after taking an embarrassing tumble off of your white horse is the day that you’ll start getting your confidence and power back.
After one of my past relationships, I really struggled for 4 months, missing and thinking of him every day. Although I knew deep down it was the right thing to do, no contact felt like the worst punishment of all.
All it took was seeing a comment on his social media from a girl who was everything I wasn’t and I caved in the worst way. After calling him and embarrassing the sh*t out of myself, coming to the realization that I had given him back the power and crying myself to sleep for 4 days in a row, I didn’t know what to do.
I finally got to the point where I just threw all the chips up in the air.
And it taught me a very valuable lesson.
There is a certain power in surrender and letting go. At that moment, I decided to surrender to relational defeat.
I said to myself: “I’m sick of holding all these chips. I’m throwing them up in the air and letting them fall as they may. I lost and I accept this defeat. This person will never be who his words contended and his actions negated. I’m going to take this loss and start claiming the emotional riches earned from lessons learned, instead of spending them on reinvesting in a poor investment with sh*t returns.”
When you don’t know what to do or where to turn, think of this:
The best athletes in the world didn’t get to that status by not accepting, denying, “fact checking” in the name of reengaging, crap talking, or disrespecting their defeats i any way. They got to that level by getting back on their white horse, surrendering to the wounds incurred along the way and USING the feelings associated with their acceptance of defeat to propel them into unparalleled excellence.
I finally knew what to do. I stopped the insanity; I stopped the attention mongering, the stalking and the madness.
For once, I prioritized peace over emotionally cutting.
And day by day, I started to get better. Just like my eczema.
My best advice for not knowing what to do after you’ve fallen off of your white horse?
Know that no matter how much you believe right now that you’ve irreparably messed up, you haven’t.
Time + consistent dedication to closing your door (and bolting it shut) does wonders.
You don’t need to explain yourself. Decide to STOP and revel in the peace of that decision.
The sky won’t fall. You’ll most likely hear from your ex again. The ego boost for them that you falling off of your white horse is, is often too addicting for them to not throw crumbs at again sometime in the future.
Don’t ever give people who participated in your dishonoring a reaction. They don’t have anything new to say and neither do you.
Forgive yourself by ceasing to argue with what is and accept defeat so that you can be the superstar emotional athlete/billionaire your destiny has already deemed you as being.
You don’t owe anyone anything.
The only person who you will ever owe EVERYTHING to is yourself – you owe it to yourself to accept relational, personal and emotional defeat. It’s the only way to reclaim the pen to YOUR life story.
If you were watching your life in a movie theater right now, you wouldn’t throw your drink at the screen, get up and leave because the main character (you), didn’t denigrate herself more and allow her defeat to paralyze her. You would you rooting for her to get the hell up. And that’s what makes a dynamic character: the ability to get up in spite of the most humiliating defeat.
Dynamic characters are the most attractive, alluring and emulated people on earth.
They acknowledge and own when they fall off of their white horse. And the difference between them and 99% of the population?
And they thrive DESPITE the scars, the falls and the consequences of the emotionally impulsive decisions in their past.
The best propellant for massive change in my life – professionally, personally and emotionally – has come from acting on the uncomfortable, shameful and paralyzing feelings associated with consequences of being a fallible HUMAN. A human who was no longer willing to use the outcome her impulsive actions to conveniently define her worth. A human who decided to forgive herself, get up and say “no more,” through her actions.
The courage to get back up in the face of paralyzing shame is not an acquired talent, it’s an innate gift.
Stop denying yourself of your own emotional riches.
So you messed up and don’t know what to do? Get up.
Your white horse is waiting.
– Exact skirt I’m wearing can be found here. Thanks Mary Beth for sending it to me 🙂