I will never be able to reiterate enough times the importance, benefit, and impact of knowing exactly what to do in your most painful, desperate, angry and triggered moments: Stay on your white horse.

As I wrote in a past post:

“ALWAYS stay on your white horse. If you ever want anyone who hurt and disrespected you to have one fraction of an idea of the hell, heartbreak, and painful embarrassment that he/she put you through… Cut.them.off.

Let your silence do the talking and always maintain grace under pressure by staying on your white horse.

And don’t worry about the other person forgetting you. They won’t.

Think about it – when it’s a holiday or your birthday, who do you remember more? – The people who wished you a happy birthday/holidays or the one who didn’t?

Be your own knight in shining armor. The only people who are interested in “saving you,” are the ones who feel that by doing so, they’ll be able to secure control over your emotional weather. Emotionally available lovers and friends won’t be turned on by having to “save” you out of your own insecurities. Be the RESPONSIVE class act that everyone is in awe of instead of the REACTIONARY resident psycho who needs a muzzle and a leash. Exhibit grace under pressure when all you want to do is retaliate and react.

A monkey could snap its fingers, flip its hair and throw out a few one-liners that are sharper than a dagger. It takes someone with real power and strength to remain calm, communicate through her actions and move on.

There’s no need to be the moral police or anyone’s emotional training wheels here. You don’t need to show grown adults “the right way to behave,” or lose your cool and get crazy labeled. It’s not your job. Don’t allow people set off your triggers and push your buttons. Only YOU know the combination to that lock. Not them.

If you want someone to know how you truly feel and have an idea of what they have done: Stay calm and never lower yourself to a level in which you attempt to re-package and throw back pain and/or drama that they caused, just so you can feel like you’re in control for a hot minute. It will boomerang right back every time.”

And while that could make all of the logical sense in the world…

Our insecurities, fears, and emotions negate logic. They also negate reality and disable our ability to see the long-term, unf*ckwithable confidence and power that is attained by staying on our white horse and NOT pursuing short-term satisfaction.

Short-term action is always taken very quickly on emotional impulse after being triggered. It could be a social media post, a “like” on his photo from someone you don’t know, a song… anything.

And there you are with the biggest wave crashing down on you. Instead of grasping to the knowingness that this wave, like all waves, will pass and you WILL survive, you frantically look for a life raft to grasp in the form of re-engaging, blocking, unfollowing, contacting his Mother, etc. And the “life raft” that you are convinced will keep you afloat only proves to do so as long as you expend your dignity, reputation, power and self-esteem to inflate it.

For the last 8 days, I’ve been dealing with the worst case on dermatitis/eczema ON MY FACE and cannot tell you how many times I’ve inspected my skin in the mirror while crying my eyes out.

There were so many times I got in my car to go pick up the prescription for a strong steroid creme waiting for me at the pharmacy. I knew that the creme would knock it out in 2 seconds, but then what? I’ve tried the cremes before and although it does remedy the cosmetic issue, it creates a whole host of others.

This time, I was more scared of the consequences of acting on impulse than I was of having it for however long it would take to heal the internal dis-ease/inflammation that was causing the eczema. I didn’t want to create a dependency on the creme or damage my skin further in the name of a “must-fix-this-now” freak out. So, I went to a naturopath (not for everybody, this is just what I chose to do), and healed the problem from within. For once in my life, I’m not worried at all about it returning because I am now in control. My skin is not only back to normal, it looks better than it ever has.

And that’s the thing… You can never be standing in the control and light of your own power WHILE being emotionally impulsive. And because control/power and impulse cannot coexist, they always come at an emotional cost that we convince ourselves we can afford in the moment, but are never quite able to. None of us will ever have the emotional currency for that.

It’s tough enough living in a society that feeds on cracking our impulse codes and draining our wallets. Why do we submit to cracking our own? 

Whether it’s with a fake friend, an ex, a family member or in business, I have found myself reengaging because of these Armageddon-type waves that would come crashing down. I like to call them pain contractions. I was triggered, hurt, I needed closure and deep down, I needed the validation that I wasn’t as forgettable and discardable as the other person’s actions made me feel.

It never worked. It just depleted me of my power, made me look crazy and destroyed my chances of ever being “the one that got away,” because I couldn’t leave well enough alone. Even after the initial fall from my white horse.

I’ve gotten off of my white horse many times in the name of what I thought in the heat of the emotional moment was “sticking up for myself.” It wasn’t. It was my own reverse narcissism at its zenith. I didn’t know what to do.

There is truly no one in my life who’s ever f*cked with and hurt me more than I’ve f*cked with and hurt myself.

So…

How do you know what to do when you give into your fears, insecurities, pain, triggers and (willingly) fall right off of your white horse?

HOW do you deal when you were doing SO WELL and in a weak moment, broke no contact and now everything has gone to complete sh*t?

How do you clean the mess you just made? Is there any hope of ever getting your power back?

Is there a way to fix this kind of conscious/under-a-spell subconscious f*ckup?

There is. And it’s simple. Here’s what to do…

As far as what to do and how to get back on your white horse after falling off, you first need to identify where you’re at.

You are most likely in that horrible limbo land of feeling pathetic, defeated, stupid, angry at yourself and in many ways, back at square one; not knowing at all what to do.

Instead of allowing those feelings to infiltrate to such an extent that they disable your emotional survival instincts and power from kicking in, feel every ounce of the emotions that you’re feeling. FEEL the pain, the bruises and the COST of getting off of your white horse.

If you don’t vow to USE these feelings and this experience as propellant out of ever reengaging again, you’ll keep engaging from the justification mentality of “what’s-the-use-?-I’ve-already-ruined-it,” and then become a sitting duck for ex-friendsh*t/relationsh*t, doormat/f*ck buddy status.

You are not pathetic or weak. You fell off and it’s okay. One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite people, Les Brown:

“When life knocks you down (aka when you fall off of your white horse), try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. Let your reason get you back up.”

We have ALL been there. We’ve all lost our cool, our dignity and our sanity. Allow that depletion to be your REASON to get back up and on your white horse.

The ability to say “no,” and back it up with consistent actions that are rooted in the respect you have for yourself and the value you don’t need anyone to tell you that you have is SOLID GOLD.

The day that you’re able to say “no more,” even after taking an embarrassing tumble off of your white horse is the day that you’ll start getting your confidence and power back.

After one of my past relationships, I really struggled for 4 months, missing and thinking of him every day. Although I knew deep down it was the right thing to do, no contact felt like the worst punishment of all.

All it took was seeing a comment on his social media from a girl who was everything I wasn’t and I caved in the worst way. After calling him and embarrassing the sh*t out of myself, coming to the realization that I had given him back the power and crying myself to sleep for 4 days in a row, I didn’t know what to do.

I finally got to the point where I just threw all the chips up in the air.

And it taught me a very valuable lesson.

There is a certain power in surrender and letting go. At that moment, I decided to surrender to relational defeat.

I said to myself: “I’m sick of holding all these chips. I’m throwing them up in the air and letting them fall as they may. I lost and I accept this defeat. This person will never be who his words contended and his actions negated. I’m going to take this loss and start claiming the emotional riches earned from lessons learned, instead of spending them on reinvesting in a poor investment with sh*t returns.”

When you don’t know what to do or where to turn, think of this:

The best athletes in the world didn’t get to that status by not accepting, denying, “fact checking” in the name of reengaging, crap talking, or disrespecting their defeats i any way. They got to that level by getting back on their white horse, surrendering to the wounds incurred along the way and USING the feelings associated with their acceptance of defeat to propel them into unparalleled excellence.

I finally knew what to do. I stopped the insanity; I stopped the attention mongering, the stalking and the madness.

For once, I prioritized peace over emotionally cutting.

And day by day, I started to get better. Just like my eczema.

My best advice for not knowing what to do after you’ve fallen off of your white horse?

Know that no matter how much you believe right now that you’ve irreparably messed up, you haven’t.

Time + consistent dedication to closing your door (and bolting it shut) does wonders.

You don’t need to explain yourself. Decide to STOP and revel in the peace of that decision.

The sky won’t fall. You’ll most likely hear from your ex again. The ego boost for them that you falling off of your white horse is, is often too addicting for them to not throw crumbs at again sometime in the future.

Don’t ever give people who participated in your dishonoring a reaction. They don’t have anything new to say and neither do you.

Forgive yourself by ceasing to argue with what is and accept defeat so that you can be the superstar emotional athlete/billionaire your destiny has already deemed you as being.

You don’t owe anyone anything.

The only person who you will ever owe EVERYTHING to is yourself – you owe it to yourself to accept relational, personal and emotional defeat. It’s the only way to reclaim the pen to YOUR life story.

If you were watching your life in a movie theater right now, you wouldn’t throw your drink at the screen, get up and leave because the main character (you), didn’t denigrate herself more and allow her defeat to paralyze her. You would you rooting for her to get the hell up. And that’s what makes a dynamic character: the ability to get up in spite of the most humiliating defeat.

Dynamic characters are the most attractive, alluring and emulated people on earth.

Why?

They acknowledge and own when they fall off of their white horse. And the difference between them and 99% of the population?

They.get.back.on.

And they thrive DESPITE the scars, the falls and the consequences of the emotionally impulsive decisions in their past.

The best propellant for massive change in my life – professionally, personally and emotionally – has come from acting on the uncomfortable, shameful and paralyzing feelings associated with consequences of being a fallible HUMAN. A human who was no longer willing to use the outcome her impulsive actions to conveniently define her worth. A human who decided to forgive herself, get up and say “no more,” through her actions.

The courage to get back up in the face of paralyzing shame is not an acquired talent, it’s an innate gift. 

Stop denying yourself of your own emotional riches.

So you messed up and don’t know what to do? Get up.

Your white horse is waiting.

x Natasha

– Exact skirt I’m wearing can be found here. Thanks Mary Beth for sending it to me 🙂

if you need further or more personalized help, please look into working with me here

shop the look

You May Also Like

83 comments

Reply

This was absolutely perfect. I have been fantasizing for a week now about what I’m going to say to my ex on his birthday in 3 days. We haven’t talked in 2 weeks after falling off my horse. I got back on and contemplating getting off again…. After reading this…I’m staying on my white horse!

You have no idea how much your knowledge helps so many of us.

I love you!!! Thanks again 🙂

Reply

YAY!!! I’m so happy to help! Thanks Jodeci 🙂 I love you too! x

Reply

Thank you Natasha, just thank you for keeping me sane in this insanity that is heartbreak. On my lowest days I just wish I was dead, but the more positive days are truly empowering. Your blog is a gold mine for any girl going through heartache, you help to make sense of the incomprehensible situation, you’re so relatable. Now, I have no other choice than tackling my abandonment and self esteem issues once for all. It’s just hard when all your deepest fears come to a reality; when you thought you were someone’s forever and they just disappear overnight like you never existed. It’s like falling into emptiness, it’s scary, it’s devastating. I am broken but I am starting to build my sanctuary based on myself only. I will have my own back and create my own safe space. I am very far from healed but I am going through it, it’s a very tough process. Just wondering if it’s truly healthy to allow the pain to completely sink into my body, to the point that it’s unbearable? How can I allow myself to feel the pain without being overwhelmed by it and without acting on the very dark thoughts?

Reply

Hi Nina, I’ve found that sometimes trying to label or put a name to the emotion behind the pain has been helpful when I feel a wave of anguish, grief, or hurt coming on. I let it come and feel it while acknowledging whatever the underlying emotion is. What I usually discover is that there is some sort of long-held fear that generally sits beneath all the pain. It still hurts but I also find the wave dissipates a little faster when I can understand the true reason behind it, and I can re-focus on why I’m feeling triggered instead of focusing on someone or an external situation I cannot control. I redirect myself to focus on and get obsessed with working on myself, on what I do have control over (even if it feels like I don’t at times). Much ❤️ to you. You’ve got this!

Reply

I love this! Thank you endlessly sister. Love you! XO

Reply

Hi Nina! I’m glad that the posts have been helpful. Thank you for allowing me to see that I was never/am never alone in emotions and experiences that for so long, I felt completely alone in.

I wish that I had the time to answer your questions. I have too much to say and not enough hands to type or hours in the day (I know you understand and thank you for your understanding). In short, I don’t think it’s healthy to feel pain to the point of acting on dark thoughts. If this is the case, there are 24 hour hotlines that I have the numbers to in the “terms and conditions” of this site at the bottom. I am all for feeling pain to the point of propellant. Feeling pain to the point of being more scared to stay where you are at than you are of making a POSITIVE change. If it gets to the point of being dark and potentially detrimental or dangerous, I do not advocate that at all and recommend seeking help immediately.

All my love to you soul sister. XO

Reply

Nina -you are not alone – you are in our thoughts and we are sending you our strength

Reply

Thank you for this, it is very relevant to me, as someone who has fallen and fallen so many times. His birthday is coming up this saturday and I know that his new gf would be moving in with him very soon.But now is the first time I’ve been able to make solid moves to no contact. I’m 7 days in no contact and 7 days is very little to some. But to me, it’s way more than I’ve been able to do before. And I’ve felt better able to do it now.

I’m still working on not checking up on them in private and I decided to give my social media accounts to a trusted friend and asked them to changed the passwords so that I can’t be tempted to log in and do/say anything reactionary. It’s done wonders in helping me stay on course. Thank you once again for your articles. They, like this one, have been very timely and helpful. I wish so much I had stumbled on your website sooner. But I truly believe in better late than never. I also try not to focus on the times I’ve fallen, but rather on my succeeding to pick myself up again.

Reply

Hi J! I read your words and had to reply. Seven days, seven months, it’s doesnt matter. It’s ALL powerful.
The bit that made me want to reply was when you mentioned his upcoming birthday. Those days are the hardest. They really tug at your heart and it hurts deeply.

So, I think you need a plan. What do people do on birthdays? Celebrate. And that’s what you will do on that day.
Celebrate the days of no contact.
Celebrate YOURSELF! The person you are, the love you are able to give to others and the love you can give yourself.
On that day, you’ll wake and think of him. But you will not be contacting him.

Get up early. Go for a run. Wear a great outfit. Buy yourself a nice lunch. Buy flowers for yourself on the way home. Take long bath when you get there. Visit someone who loves you or go to the movies. Or stay at home and watch something that you love.

Love. Love. Love. Yourself.

If it helps, write down all the things he did that hurt you. All the red flags you saw but pretended not to see. Then read it. It will help you refocus on why he’s your ex.

That day isn’t solely his. It’s yours too. Forget him. Think of you. You’ll be heading on to 2 weeks no contact by then. Be the person who he didn’t hear from on his birthday. Cause you were too busy celebrating you.

And he will remember you. Of course, but you have better things to do that day. Paint your nails. Get your hair done. Buy yourself a treat. 💄 that’s my personal favourite trick!

On that day, be so busy focusing on you, that it becomes your day. You will not only get through it, you’ll feel good. Well at least a million times better than if you contacted him.

Love to you xxxx 💄💅🏻👛💐💌

Reply

I agreed with every word. Thanks Lorelle 🙂 I love you as does this tribe. xx

Reply

Hi Lorelle, KP and Natasha, thank you so much for your kind words and suggestions. I had a bit of cry the day before his birthday. But I managed to not contact him on his birthday itself. Tried to busy myself with fun stuff. And have maintained no contact still, I’m up to 15 days now. So I would count that as a win hehe. Thank you all once again. 🙂

Reply

🙂 xoxo

Reply

Lorelle, I know you from before…. I OVE your replies. So encouraging! J, 7 days counts. just keep counting. You absolutely have made the right decisions to move on.. Go YOU!!

Reply

Hey KP, I remember you too xx thanks for your sweet words – it’s so nice to be here for each other xx 💜🌺💜 Hugs x

Reply

J,

CONGRATULATIONS! 7 days is 7 months in “breakup time.” You are incredible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 You are loved, appreciated, valued and supported. xx

Reply

“I needed the validation that I wasn’t as forgettable and discardable as the other person’s actions made me feel.”

Once again, you hit it out of the park. I fell off this week …. not in a spectacular way …. but just enough to make me feel pathetic and to restart the inevitable but ultimately unsatisfying intense crumb-throwing that came my way. This post could not have come at a better time and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel so much better already!! Instead of beating myself up for the day, I’m going to get up and have a great one!! xo

Reply

Yes 🙂 !! That makes me so happy to hear. I’m happy that the post served you. Thank you so much for being YOU. Sending you love. Eternally grateful for you. XOXO

Reply

Another winner from Natasha. Thank you and yes, I am still on my white horse. Although I can completely relate to Nina’s post. 8 weeks post breakup the pain remains almost unbearable and I cannot seem to find a way to make it go away. Sometimes you fool yourself into thinking if you could just have that ‘one last conversation’ you might feel better. But I think it is just a fantasy. This was a great reminder and motivator to keep riding – in the other direction – on my white horse.

Reply

Sonia. KEEP ON! Just keep on. This is a rebolutiary way of thinking. What Natasha offers is counter-cultural. You are already F R E E. I get you “if I could just have that last convo…” That last convo is holding you back just like it’s holding me back. But life is too short…. you don’t have time for that f*cktard who doesn’t get it. You have so much to offer…. you owe it to yourself to find out your “why” in this life. Find YOU.

Reply

Thanks Sonja! I couldn’t have said it better. You got this 🙂 XO

Reply

This couldn’t be more timely and I have tears in my eyes because it’s exactly what I needed today. His birthday is Thursday and he won’t be hearing from me. Yesterday after having been broken up for over 4 months, I deleted every text and picture we traded (over 1100 pictures between us).

It hurts so much but it’s not healthy for me. And the thing is, he’s not a malicious person. He’s damaged like we all are. The difference is I am willing to face my damage, he isn’t. I truly don’t believe he means to or does he even know how much it hurts me, but I need to look out for me. I’m hurting and I feel hopeless because I thought he was my 2nd chance for happiness after being divorced for 8 years. But I’m staying on the white horse. Please keep writing though, because I need the encouragement as it hurts more than even my divorce did, it feels like.

Reply

Kim – I could have written almost exactly what you wrote. I am 4 months into my break up as well and was divorced for almost 6 years now. I too thought he was my second chance for happiness. Last Monday would have been our 1 yr. engagement anniversary. Needless to say it’s been very hard and very emotional especially this time of year. I wish you nothing but blessings and good things going forward. We all share the same pain it seems and I wish that weren’t the case. We are built to be survivors and evolve… each at our own pace and in our own time.

Hugs to you my dear.
Vicki
xxxx

Reply

Vicky, hugs to you! Let’s stay on our white horses, we deserve the same love that we are capable of giving 💕 I’m in nyc if you happen to be 💖 we can get coffee 😏

Reply

Kim …if I were just a few states closer to you I would definitely meet you for coffee and a chat my dear. Unfortunately I live in Chicago!! lol.
And yes, we do deserve the same love we give. We need to believe in ourselves and turn that love inwards so we know better next time. I am a work in progress…
Lots of love and blessing to you Kim. We will all get thru our pain together. One day at a time.

Vicki
xxx

Wish I could meet you both for brunch!

Reply

I love seeing this! I want to meet for tea next time I’m in NYC!! 🙂 XO

Reply

Kim, I can totally relate and I understand. You are not alone in this. Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. I’m so glad that the post helped 🙂 XO

Reply

I wanted to update. Today is his birthday and as I said, he wouldn’t be hearing from me and he didn’t. What happened by 10:30 am? He threw crumbs at me via text. Well, I ignored them . A few hours later, more crumbs which are also going ignored.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a mix of emotions, but I will say with all honesty that I do feel stronger and more resolved than ever to stay on my white horse.

Thank you Natasha and all you ladies for reminding me I’m not alone and that I can and will do this. We’ve been broken up for over 4 months now and I couldn’t see me in this place right now where I’m ready to move on. I felt physically sick for almost 3 months. Every moment lasted a lifetime. But I’m ready to move on and find a real man who is available for a real woman who can offer real love. I’m not rushing it and I’m not afraid like I was even last week.

Natasha, come to NYC and meet me for tea! Hopefully I’ll be celebrating my full freedom from him by then!

Reply

Kim you are stronger than you think. I know how tough that must have been not to reply so big big kudos to you my dear for staying on yyour white horse and seeing those messages for what they were. Crumbs!! You deserve soooooo much more. We all do. Keep protecting your heart and be proud for how far you have already come. Sending lots of love and hugs to you.
Xxxxxx

Vicky, thank you so much for the encouragement. I sooooo want to reply something along the lines of eff off you stupid flake, or reply to his texts in like three weeks to show him what it’s like to be blown off, but I won’t, I promise! I’m just proud of myself that I am at this point at all. I swear I thought I would never, ever get over him. And there is a part of me that would take him back IF he ever said he was going to make changes ( I am NOT holding my breath, I’m just saying it would take a miracle for me to go back to him now). I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress and I will continue to. I am sending you love and hugs too, dear Vicky! xoxo <3 White Horse sisters!

You are incredible Kim. I know how hard it was/is, but you are standing in your own power now. Love you both and I love seeing this kind of sisterhood and support! 🙂 xx

YES 🙂 I could not agree with or love you both any more. XOXO

Reply

You did the right thing. Any communication with him will just open the door for more pain to you. Do not give him that kind of power.. Trust in yourself and keep believing and loving yourself first. Look how far you have come. Keep moving forward … you deserve nothing but good things.
White horse sister!!
XXXXX

YES YES YES XOXO

Reply

I am in tears. This was the best gift you could have ever given me and everyone in this tribe. Thank you so much for sharing and taking the time to let us know how it went. So proud of and happy for you Kim. You go girl 🙂 And yes of course! Tea on me in NYC! xx

You are loved, supported, believed in and never alone. Sending you big love and hugs.

Another update. I effectively ignored his desire for attention on his birthday when he didn’t hear from me. Today 6 days later, more crumbs from him with actual choices of times for us to meet. As tempting as it is, I know what would happen is he’ll see me, then ignore me again at his convenience. Enough is enough.

As much as I want him to see me and see what he no longer has, I know staying on the white horse will do that well enough.

It hurts still but I know it’s not good for me. Thank you all for understanding. It helps so much to know I’m not alone.

You are never alone Kim. I know how hard it is – you are doing the right thing. Speaking with you actions like this is how you build unshakeable self-esteem, self-respect and power. You got this! We are all behind you 1000%

Reply

Kim i just saw your last post and i can feel the pain you are stuggling with in your heart. I have been there a few times and all i can say is stay strong girl. Dont give in to the temptation… as hard as it is. Its not worth the risk of pain and disappointment from him. Keep believing in yourself and ALWAYS protect your heart sweetie. You know better and i have faith in you. Wish i could hug you for real so you know you are never alone. We are all here for you.
I had some triggers myself today and had some tears but as the day went on it passed. Also when i got in my car i cranked the music…”In the end” Linkin Park and it made me feel better. Lol. One of my fave pick me up songs ever!! I played it over and over and didnt give a shit who saw me scream singing in my car!!! Hahaha! Try it.

Big big hugs my white horse sister.
Love you girl.
XXXX

Vicky and Natasha, thank you for the encouragement. Seriously like 2 weeks ago I might have given in, but he missed his chance to f&ck me up again. I am so past it now. I truly want to get over him. I’m not over him but the fact that I want to get over him is huge progress.

There was a point when I would have done ANYTHING for this kind of attention, but I realize it’s toxic and dysfunctional attention. I have done nothing but soul-search all those years post divorce and I am worth so much more than he can give me. He’s great on paper, good job, successful, etc. But he’s an emotional cripple so therefore he’s useless to me.
I can see why i would be useful to him, because I am a person who values myself and I bring a lot to the table. But he doesn’t bring anything to the table and I am proud that I not only know that now, but my emotions are finally catching up to that too.

Thank you again, Natasha for saying everything that needs to be said to help us all. Vicky, you hang tight and love yourself too above all. We have to take care of Number One which is ourselves. <3

Reply

You said it all Kim….toxic, dysfunctional and emotionally crippled . This is not what you or any of us deserve. Its unhealthy and like poison to our souls and hearts. Yes its his fricking loss now. Let him deal with that now. You are a badass Kim. Stay on the horse soul sis.
Much love girl.
XXXX

Vicki & Kim,

You are both so POWERFUL in the midst of all your heartbreak. Just wanted to mention that in case you didn’t already feel it 😉

There is such a deep and abundant well of permanent strength that no one, least of all an ‘emotional cripple’, can take away from you when you’re on your white horse. Indifference not only comes faster, but will actually truly feel authentic. Keep at it! xo

Reply

This came at the perfect time!! 2 weeks ago I broke my 3 months of no contact & felt like an idiot. Your blog has helped me immeasurably in understanding he is most likely an emotionally unavailable narcissist. I was doing so well & made a mistake because of my ego. But I said you know what, I made a small mistake, I’m human, whatever, I love myself & know one setback doesn’t need to ruin how far I have come emotionally. Got right back on the white horse! I owned it & didn’t beat myself up for longer than a couple days this time. What helped me is to uninstall snapchat. He no longer has other social media so that was the only thing f**king me up. I have found that by uninstalling the app, it did a detox of the negative obsessive energy my phone was full of. Without it & without the stress that came from him, I love myself more than ever & am happier than ever. Anyone who i struggling, if you mess up just say who cares, forget you ever did it, & be free. Be happy you no longer have to be subjected to a jerk who doesn’t treat you right!

Reply

Hi Ashley! Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 So proud of and happy for you. You go girl. XO

Reply

Great one! Just what I needed! I can’t hear this enough. Thanks Natasha!

Reply

Happy it helped! Thanks sister 🙂 x

Reply

You and your blog are amazing! At first I thought I was a loser and pathetic for even googling any sort of topic that would help me thru my most recent breakup heartache. But now a few weeks into it and I’m thrilled I stumbled upon you and your many words of wisdom! Thank you for reminding me and all women that we are worth it and deserve so much more than the crumbs some men throw our way!! We are human and this is life and life (at least my life) is and will contain many, MANY screwups and mistakes. We just have to remember to not stay knocked down when life throws us to the ground! We must get up, brush ourselves off and get right back up on our white horses! You are helping me more than you will ever know Natasha! Finding your blog could not have come at a better time! Stay awesome! Much love!!! Xoxo

Reply

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I’m honored to have helped. You are loved and adored Jules 🙂 xoxo

Reply

Hello Natasha. I am at a loss for words. I have not made contact with him at all but I swear I feel like it many days. I just keep repeating white horse to myself. December 9th would have been our one year anniversary. I am sure he does not remember that. I have already tried to prepare myself for the ghosts that are to come. You are so right in stating that we need to let our actions speak for us. The thing is I think the fact that I have made no contact makes it easier for him. I’m still sticking with it because I want to keep my dignities in tact.
He is not taking that. He got enough of me and did not know what to do with it so he bailed. He has made me feel things I never knew I could but my dignity is not up for the taking. All you wonderful ladies echo exactly what I have been living. The physical pain, lack of sleep, stomach aches, crying, not wanting to be alive a lot of days but I think that we have of ourselves till it hurt and the only problem is we hurt us. We cannot let that happen again. Treat yourselves well and realize that it is more of a mistake that someone takes love from you and has no idea what to do with it. They may change players but they are the same emotional idiots creating the same bad movie. It still hurts like hell but we gave a gift. They gave nothing.
Thanks for this beautiful post as I needed this today. I have cried but still hanging on to my horse. All you ladies are beautiful and I apppreciate all of you. Here is hoping our hearts get a little less heavy through the hell of the holidays.
LOVE YOU NATSHA. You are a blessing. Thank you again. 💕🌸🦄

P..S. I need that skirt!!

Reply

Hugs to you Linda!! And well said.

xxxx

Reply

I love you so much Linda. Thank you for sharing and for being the light that you are. Get the skirt! It’s so comfortable and versatile 🙂 XOXO

Reply

Natasha,

I don’t know what cloud you fell off of but you are truly an angel. 😇 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting such meaningful, well composed blogs. After reading the comments from other amazing women, I truly feel less alone and heartbroken. There is something so comforting in knowing that you and others feel the way I feel and experience the same pain that I have. It’s proof that we can give each other power, support, encouragement and the ability to boost each other back onto our white horse. 🦄

There are not enough “thank you’s“ in the world to tell you how grateful I am for you. Thank you for being awesome, thank you for being epic & thank you for being born! Hugs to you 💕

Reply

Kristie,

I am in tears and for once, speechless. Thank YOU from he bottom of my heart.

Sending you so much love soul sister. XOXO

Reply

I blocked my ex two weeks ago on social media because I saw pictures of him with a new girlfriend. We’d only been broken up for 2 months at that point, and it hurt because it made me realise he had lied
about the reasons for dumping me. Do you think blocking is okay in this instance? I did it because I didn’t want the temptation to look him up – but now I’m regretting it and feel embarrassed – I don’t want him to feel like he has any power over me. Thoughts?

Reply

Hi Deborah,
I can relate…I was with my ex for 2.5 years. When we broke up, he gave me a lame excuse..I immediately went into no contact, and I have remained in no contact. For a while I struggled with if I did the right thing because I missed him,etc. We are no longer friends on facebook, but i was still connected to his entire family. In October, I saw where he tagged a picture of himself, his Dad and his new girlfriend. After doing my own investigating, I discovered that he hopped into this new relationship within a month or two of us breaking up. That led me to believe that he was “talking” to her toward the end of our relationship. Anyhow, I was crushed. It’s like I regressed back to week 1 of our breakup..the lies and betrayal. I went ahead and blocked his entire family on facebook. I hate I had to do it because I really like his family, and I know his mother was very fond of me, but I had to look out for myself. Seeing him with his new girlfriend is nothing that I wanted to see…especially if it goes the long haul (kids, marriage, blah, blah, blah, lol). I went ahead and cut all ties. Don’t feel bad about it. You have to look out for yourself. To be honest, after discovering that he had someone else, i felt even better about remaining in no contact. I even got a strange sense of closure. His new girl is a complete downgrade. I still get pissed at times..but it’s a daily process. I know it’s hard, but try not to concern yourself of what he or others think. Forget them. Just focus on you. Stay strong 🙂

Reply

My heart is so happy. I love seeing this 🙂 XOXO

Reply

Deborah – I did the same about a month after our breakup and it was the BEST, most healing decision I ever made. Prior to that I couldn’t stop the habit of constantly stalking… and each new post of his either annoyed me, crushed me, or made me reel for days. Checking his social media was like consistently ripping off the scab, prolonging the healing process, and reigniting my fury / frustration / anger / sadness… and, guess what – that’s what truly gave my ex the power – he continued to have an emotional chokehold on me. Blocking / unfollowing / deleting / flushing – that is what gave ME my power back. It’s not a weak move at all… the whole point of no contact is to heal, to purge, to re-center, to wash off the fifth of that horrible relationship, and to forget your ex completely. It takes a lot of strength to cut them off completely the way you did, especially after self-assessing and realizing that seeing his posts is not serving in your healing. Don’t doubt that for a second. In fact, BRAVO to you. And believe me – even if he did get a temporary ego boost from it, that faded fast after he realized, oh sh*t, she just left me in the dark. That darkness will settle all over him and sink into his bones. Stay on your white horse, trust in your decision, and leave that b*stard in the dust.

Reply

Love this, Emma! 💕

Reply

Emma, you summed it up perfectly. No Contact means so much more than just not texting them or picking up their calls. Sometimes, most of the time, it means removing them completely. Some people are just too toxic for us. Deborah, you did the right thing. It feels awful at times, but you have to take care of you first and foremost.

Reply

Emma – can I hug and high 5 you at the same time? I could not agree more 🙂 x

Reply

If you did it for YOU and NOT for a reaction, you did the right thing. 🙂 xx

Reply

THANK YOU NATAHSA!! For reminding all of us that’s it’s okay if we fall, as long as we get back up! I haven’t broken my no contact for months since the breakup and every time I get the overwhelming urge where it feels like a almost can’t breathe, I actually remember to take a moment, take a deep breath, feel whatever emotions I’m having and just let it go. For me, the cost of falling off that horse and enduring 1 second of pain that it may cause to myself is reason enough for me to stop and think before I let my emotions control my actions. Every day i’m able to stay on my white horse despite how my heart feels, is another day I build my confidence up and love myself a little more by knowing I have my own back and I do not want to let what happened destroy my soul anymore. I’m staying in my own lane and working on me now.

I love you Natasha, this blog has been a blessing for me in getting thru the worst pain and heartbreak I have ever had to go thru. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for your words and inspiring all of us to want better for ourselves! You speak from the heart and you always speak the truth and I have nothing but respect for you girl.

Vicki
xxxxxx

Reply

Vicki, I’m crying all over my keyboard. The feeling is mutual – thank you for affirming through your connection, love and support that I was never/am never alone in emotions, situations and feelings that for so long, I was convinced that I was alone in. I love you too! 🙂 xx

Reply

Thank you, Natasha! This was so timely and you saved me a fall from my white horse. You really did. I have been no contact for 3 months, no social media, nothing. But for some reason, yesterday and today were very tough and I had almost convinced myself that he was “needing” me. That our connection was still so strong, that i could feel him thinking about me. And since i had blocked him on everything, it would be up to me to reach out and i almost did. I am still struggling with missing him, or more to the point, missing the potential and the hope that i saw in him and our relationship. I have realized it doesn’t really matter if he is a narcissist or just broken or just unavailable or just not that into me. He is not good FOR ME. And that is all i really have to know and choosing myself and my self worth needs to be a daily action. All my love to all you amazing women in this tribe. You are not alone. You are loved and valued!!

Reply

big big hugs to you Lori… I had tears just reading your last comment. I so know that feeling of the “connection”.. it almost caused me to break no contact, but something always stopped me. I am getting a little stronger every day. I know what it will cost me to have any contact with him and I can’t ever let that pain back in my life.

Keep the faith.

xxxxx

Reply

Thanks, Vicki! I love reading your comments on here. Such a wonderful group of women! It helps so much to know we aren’t alone with all this. <3

Reply

Lori,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. Thank you for inspiring, loving, connecting with and sharing your journey with us all. You are loved, appreciated, valued and supported always. Love you sister! XO

Reply

NATASHA!!! Nuh-tash-uhhh. This is one of your best posts EVER. And that’s saying a lot. I have read almost every single one, (I’m sure I’ve missed a few….but I’ll catch up), and bookmarked so many. I have only commented a few times but this post deserves a full blown reaction.

You are so passionate about every post but this one seems to come from your deepest core. You were so direct and eloquent, on point on every single thing you said. So many quotes to save and ponder. I feel that “staying on your white horse” is one of your nonnegotiables, something you are reeeally passionate about, and yet you tell us exactly what to do if we voluntarily fall off. And you’re like “it’s simple”. Who does that!? You have abundant empathy for your audience, and that is rare. Thank you, so much. You GET us.

And it came at just the right time, which is always how PMS rolls in my life. I was literally after a whole YEAR of no contact about to get off my white horse.

The f*cktard initiated no contact back then, went dark, deleted social media, blocked my calls. After a pleasant friendly convo ab his work and life. No explanation…. I know now he pursued another relationship at that time, but we had been tight friends for a whole year with very sporadic romantic interactions over the phone. I guess I’m saying wtf Bc I had been such a good friend to him, I feel I at least deserved an explanation. So every time you say we shouldn’t have to tell a grown adult how to be respectful or behave…. I remind myself he’s not worth an explanation or a conversation. That has been such a lifeline bc let’s face it we all want to explain ourselves…. to understand…. to make it right. To have proper CLOSURE.

And I would have lowered myself to crazy status if it hadn’t been for YOU. My recent trigger was the new T Swift album. It’s so perfect….. a slam here, a I can’t live without you there, with all the mystery in between. (P.s. T Swift should read PMS based on her lyrics…. I know nothing ab her personal life).

These are the points that hit me hard. There’re not necessarily the main points….but I hope they help someone who is stuck…..getting unstuck is so hard but so freeing!

Let your silence do the talking and always maintain grace under pressure by staying on your white horse.
And don’t worry about the other person forgetting you. They won’t.
(Knowing, truly believing they won’t helps so much….it helps me stay on the white horse.)

Our insecurities, fears, and emotions negate logic. They also negate reality and disable our ability to see the long-term, unf*ckwithable confidence and power that is attained by staying on our white horse and NOT pursuing short-term satisfaction.
(I have a taste of that unf*ckwithable confidence and power and let me tell you it is the MOST empowering thing…. a man and his objective opinions do not define you. Also short-term satisfaction always dies out. It never pays out.)

And that’s the thing… You can never be standing in the control and light of your own power WHILE being emotionally impulsive. And because control/power and impulse cannot coexist, they always come at an emotional cost that we convince ourselves we can afford in the moment, but are never quite able to. None of us will ever have the emotional currency for that.
(🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 This is a major takeaway for LIFE. I’ve never heard anyone else say it. YES. Our culture is primed for impulsive. We have to fight it.)

Don’t ever give people who participated in your dishonoring a reaction. They don’t have anything new to say and neither do you. (Silent pause. We all want to have the last word….. this just negated our last word…. this is genius).

Natasha you have blown me away!! And please tell us what your homeopathic remedy was for your inner healing! I know I’m not the only one wanting to know how to heal from the inside. Xo.

Reply

KP,

There is nothing that I could say do, give or write to you that would even come close to expressing the love, appreciation, gratitude and connection I feel for and with you. Thank you so much for taking the time to write from that beautiful heart of yours.

As far as the homeopathic remedy that helped me, I’m happy to share 🙂 This is NOT for everyone. It was curtailed toward my unique condition and situation but this is what I did upon my naturopath’s recommendation: No sugar, refined carbs, gluten, dairy, corn, soy or wheat. I drank organic, raw aloe vera juice (from the inner leaf) and grass fed bone broth everyday (my issue was healing my gut and the lining of it). As far as supplements, I drank Pau D’Arco tea 3x per day, took a pharmaceutical grade probiotic, took prebiotics and the herb Berberine. I also drank plenty of water and did Yoga every day + acupuncture to encourage circulation. My dermatitis and eczema were gone within 9 days.

All my love to you. I am so grateful for everything that brought you here because without it, I wouldn’t have met a soul sister. Thank you for existing. XOXO

Reply

I was so good for nearly 4 months after my ex and I split. It was the most brutal breakup involving infidelity and basically he dumped me the same night that he confessed that he hooked up with another guy because I wouldn’t forgive him and rejected his advances for sex that same night – I know, a total keeper right!

The four months afterwards were painful but I knew I was on the track and was so committed to staying the course. I was focusing on myself, feeling my feelings, processing everything and taking the first tentative steps towards building a life without him and I was doing pretty great. I had made new friends, took myself on a vacation, started a new job and even though he still existed like a phantom limb in my heart, I had more moments of feeling empowered and happy with myself than feeling his absence and missing him.

All it took was one phone call from him and I got thrown off my white horse.

He asked to meet for a walk to which I agreed (I’m not sure why). When we did meet, I basically observed him perform a conversational jerk-off session as all he talked about was himself. It wasn’t long before we started shouting at each other and stormed off from one another. In that moment I completely caved. Rather than maintaining my dignity and walking home, I ran after him and said so many things that basically stripped me of all my power (i.e – I’m not over you, this has been so hard for me blah, blah, blah). By the time I got home I felt so weak, pathetic and hated myself. I felt like my white horse had galloped off leaving me face-down on the ground.

But here’s the thing I wasn’t face down and my white horse hadn’t galloped away. It was calmly waiting for me until my freak-out ended and let me get back in the saddle when I was ready. I felt like a fool and accepted defeat but was RESOLVED to never let this happen again. I blocked his number from my phone and promised myself that I would take the lessons learned from this experience and use it to create my own happiness.

Fast forward to today (four months later) and my life has completely changed. I no longer carry shame for how I let myself down and have completely regained my power (its amazing what sort of healing effect the passage of time has). But most importantly, the experience helped me to completely redefine my priorities for my life, how I saw myself and what steps I needed to take to ensure that I only surrounded myself with things and people that encourage me to be happy. I’m charging forward with my new job, having a blast with all the new connections I made and, for the first time, since the relationsh*i with what’s-his-face ended, I am basking in the happiness of being single, unattached and living a life focused solely on myself and am loving it. The times where he pops into my head now are few and far between. Whereas before the memory of him would overwhelm me and sour my mood now I merely swat it away like a pesky mosquito.

To anyone out there that has experienced the fall off the white horse, just know that it hasn’t gone too far. Simply waiting for you to find the courage to get back up. My hope is that Natasha’s post will empower you to get off the ground, start anew and use the experience to propel you into the life that you are meant to live.

Reply

This made me tear up. Thank you so much for sharing. I am so incredibly proud of and happy for you 🙂 xx

Reply

You. Are. Beautiful. And so wise and brave. Keep riding!! Bless you! Love xxxx

Reply

<3 xx

Reply

Tribe & Natasha,

I would love your advice on how to stay on the white horse (which is my iPhone screensaver BTW) when you work with your ex. I still have to see him 1-2 times a week at the office and it is so hard when he stops by to see how I am doing (and when he doesn’t) as I try to not reach out or engage him but then find myself really sad after I see him. I know may will say to start a new job but realistically that could take time. Has anyone had this issue before? It feels like my wounds never begin to scab over because I see him so often. If you have any tips, tricks, mind judo, etc…I’m open to hearing and trying all of it.

I am so thankful that I discovered a group of supportive, loving and strong women that are feeling the things that I feel.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this blog and the endless amount of encouragement and bravery that is here.

Reply

Hi Cris! I love that as a screensaver! 🙂

Hopefully this helps if you haven’t already read it….

https://postmalesyndrome.com/working-with-an-ex-the-worst-right-heres-what-to-do/

Sending you big love. Thanks for being a part of this tribe 🙂 XOXO

Reply

I am new to the blog and it is AMAZING. THE BLOG found me at a time in need to say the least. I am currently going through a divorce (a marriage that didn’t even make it to a year). If that’s not embarrassing enough…I found out he was having an affair with a girl he works with. In which, I had to move out of our home. However, I can say that I did not “fall off my white horse”. After finding out, I confronted via text and went to house to confront in person but after that. I WAS DONE. No contact what so ever. However, now I find myself in a tough situation which is questioning my strength and courage as an individual and someone who prides themself of being mentally and physically tough. I met someone October and he too…is divorced. He became so easy to talk to, so supportive, and honestly just a great friend to lean on. When it progressed romantically…I was excited to see where this friendship would take us. One night I questioned him about a comment someone said to me about him being a player and then I proceeded to garner details about his ex (who he was recently broken up with). That weekend I rarely heard from him. I started questioning if I was wrong for wanting to know about his “past” so that I wouldn’t make same mistakes again (being someone’s rebound). After a weekend of barely speaking with him he called and said he could not talk to me anymore and I didn’t trust him and that I wasn’t ready. I feel like the rug was ripped from underneath me. I haven’t talked to him since …but I feel angry, hurt, embarrassed that I trusted him and thought that these conversations were a step in right direction. Boy was I wrong. I have spent the past couple weekends hoping he will call and hoping he will come to his senses. I’m left thinking that maybe I was a rebound, maybe I’m too abrasive, maybe I’m not good enough, maybe I’m broken, etc etc…but your blog has shed some light. THANKY YOU ! 🙂 I’m going to stay on my horse and stop beating myself up!

Reply

Hi Shell! I’ve been there before. You did nothing wrong – let him own his reactivity that sounds as though (based on what you wrote), is completely out of touch with reality. I’m honored to have helped and so glad that the post served you! 🙂 Yes, be kind to you – no need to beat yourself up. Sending you love soul sis. XOXO

Reply

Hey, Natasha.

I’ve been a silent reader of your blog all year. It gave me the courage to remain on the Whitehorse after breaking up with my ex who demonstrated nothing but disrespect and recklessness. I must say that I was doing positively well, unwaveringly ignoring all his texts, until I discovered a little more than 24 hours ago that he’s been sleeping with the girl who became my confidante while I was dealing with the heartbreak. Now, it seems all the months of healing have been negated and I’m back to right where I started. How do I get past this?

Reply

Hi Soni! Thank you so much for the love and support 🙂 I’m happy to have helped!

I am so sorry that you’re going through this – that is awful. The only way to get past this is to keep reminding yourself that he ultimately attracted (and got together with), exactly what he exudes. This is not surprising considering how poorly he consistently treated you. I wish that I could answer more but I have too much to say to type it all out; not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot advise in the comments section.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further 🙂 The link to it is on the homepage.

All my love to you sister.

You’re not alone xo

Reply

What-are-you-doing, Natasha?!

If you teach all the girls and women to put themselves first, then to who all the f*cktards / emotionally unavailable men go? This is probably the most inspirational way to get revenge on all the exes that mistreated you – deplete of their power of negligence. Not only you cut the their power over you and your life – you advice women to do the same. ‘You are not only raising your value, but you help women all around to finally defend their worth. And what happens in return? Well, there would be less women who would tolerate the disrespect and the dishonesty, that means men would have no way but to surrender their disgraceful carry-on in relationships. I always have greatest respect to women who celebrate other women. So THANK YOU Natasha! Having myself go through painful break up, I have realized , that men are not naturally born with sense of respect towards women. They LEARN throughout their life. And it all depends what teacher they had. Every woman should TEACH what is acceptable and what is not.

Your blog is absolute power and you must be proud of leading a tribe of amazing women ALL on white horses!

Thank you dear SO much for what you do! XXX

Reply

HA! Thanks Kristina 🙂 That means the world to me. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for your love, support, sisterhood and connection. You are a gem. XOXO

Reply

Broke up 3 months ago and other than those awful first few weeks , I have been riding that white horse. But…I just don’t understand how you can go from “I love you” to strangers…he knows nothing about me. I could have won the lotto or been diagnosed with cancer…good or bad, he knows nothing. How did we go from day in day out KNOWING about each other to nothingness…how does a person just flip a switch on their heart like that? He just went away and its like we never happened…how can that be…Blindside

. He told me he needed time and space. He was never single his entire adult life. We started dating during the end of the divorce. He never dated anyone but his ex wife and myself. He started dating a woman at 5 weeks after the break. He has not reached out to me since he started dating her but the last email said “I did love you and I love you still. This is just something I have to do…”
I understand his “Why” in his decision. I just don’t understand the “How”…I could never have done this…

Reply

Hi Jana! I completely understand. I wish that I could answer and share my thoughts, but I don’t have the time in the days or enough hands to type. I would also need more details. Keeping coming back to the blog – you are heard, understood, empathized with and never, ever alone in this. Sending you so much love. XO

Reply

Sending big hugs to you Jana. Your ex sounds eerily similar to mine. Stay strong girl. You have come to the right place for love and support. And Natasha is the reason why so many of us are getting thru the pain and heartbreak. She understands what all of us have gone thru and has empowered us all to see the beauty in ourselves despite what has happened. Read some pf the other blogs on here and you will see what i mean.
You are not alone.
XXXX

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *