One thing I’ve always had such a hard time with is the bounce back. I’m much better now than I was years ago, but every now and then, something happens and I find myself stuck on feelings of pain and deep hurt, paralyzed and unable to emotionally carry on. It always seems like everyone else around me is bulletproof. Bad breakup? Just got rejected? Ha! You’d never guess. They deal and move on much faster, more ‘logically’ and seemingly stronger than I ever could.
“I can’t stop hurting. I’m sick of feeling this way. Was I born with some microchip or mutated gene that makes me feel TOO deeply?”
I didn’t get it. Everyone else seemed to bounce back and carry on just fine while I was in a standstill of pain, missing my ex and feeling like I could never trust happiness, people or myself again.
I remember months and months (“months and months” = a good solid YEAR) after my breakup with Mr. FT, I still felt totally stuck. I was so hurt by his ability to just forget about me, discard me and move on so quickly with another girl like he wasn’t just talking about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me a few weeks ago. Didn’t I mean anything to him? Wasn’t I enough? Of course I wasn’t. I hadn’t been enough for him because I felt and truly believed that I had never been good enough for anyone, myself included. You can’t get someone to see in you what you’ve never been able to see in yourself. I kept analyzing and obsessing over it. One minute, I’d be like “F him!” and get angry and be riding high in my car rapping to Jay Z and thinking I had finally “moved on,” and another minute, I’d blame myself and rehash every fart that was ever released in the relationship, cry my eyes out, play Inspector Gadget: The F*cktard Edition and Facebook stalk his every move.
But no matter what, it would ALWAYS circle back to me being on this hamster wheel of a gnawing hurt that would never, ever relent. My pain ran deep. Deeper than I ever knew because I was always failing to properly acknowledge it.
This was the one tunnel that I knew in my bones there was never going to be any light at the end of because I honestly couldn’t foresee an end.
So what would I do? I’d go blindly involve myself with another emotionally unavailable guy or new BFF that I felt like I had to “win over” and somehow compete for they’re love, attention, validation and acknowledgement because as long as I had the continued pain/drama/detective playing to focus on, that would mean that I wouldn’t have to really dig deep or focus on the last big heartbreak as much. Also, it prevented me from having to deal and subsequently revisit all of the pain, hurt, and feelings of rejection and abandonment that had been accumulating my entire life. So, even though I felt like I couldn’t stop hurting and was in a state of always feeling like varying degrees of sh*t, I wasn’t really doing anything to get to the root of the pain.
My pain was a weed that I kept spraying weed repellent on instead of taking the time to get the right tools and uproot it once and for all.
I was subsequently attracting people who treated me poorly because, as I have said before, you will always attract into your life (and be attracted to) people who treat you NO WORSE than you treat yourself.
I was unable to treat myself well because I was so focused on the pain I felt from my last breakup, a breakup that depleted all of my self-esteem and a relationship in which I was “unconditionally loving” at the expense of my self worth. So, I was basically wandering around in pain, lost, stuck and depleted of any kind of self belief, worth, value and love.
Whether it’s a broken relationship with a family member, losing your job, the ending of a friendship or you’ve just experienced a breakup with yet another emotionally unavailable guy, you may find yourself (even after an embarrassingly long time), still stuck on the pain and still unable to drink, work, talk, exercise, gossip or cyber stalk the hurt away.
How do you get unstuck when you’re stuck on the pain and can’t stop hurting?
I realized that I was going around with no self love, no belief that I could get or feel any better, no confidence and although I felt like I was “dealing” with my pain just because I constantly felt it, I wasn’t. At all.
I was like a car running for a year with the break alert light on. My breaks finally gave out and I hit a wall.
When I learned how to address my pain, I was able to deal with it and I noticed that as I dealt with the pain of the past and present, I started to embrace my feelings and stopped emotionally shutting down whenever something made me feel vulnerable or when I felt like I was at risk of being abandoned or rejected.
This is why I’m such an advocate for not contacting your ex after a breakup. Even though all you want is the validation from your ex and your obsessive thoughts are all about him, you also need to grasp that you must take the time to do the one thing that you’ve proven to be more than proficient at not doing: You must grieve.
Grieve the death of the person that you thought existed. KNOW that they haven’t changed. KNOW that you did nothing to make them change out of the prince that they pretended to be and KNOW that this is a sign that you need to turn inward. You have a real shot at having the kind of relationships, friendships and life that you’ve always dreamed of, don’t let it pass you by.
I realized that just because I was in pain and felt trapped in my hurt and obsessive thoughts, that did not mean that I was allowing myself to proper environment to actually grieve.
If you feel stuck, trapped and like you’ll forever be in pain and can’t stop hurting, it’s because your breakup has reminded you, your psyche, your body and your emotions of the same pain of the past. It’s like ripping open every old wound.
A guy would dump me and immediately, I’d feel like I was the scared and abandoned 5 year old Natasha and sadly, I would emotionally regress to feeling THAT helpless, forgetting that I was now an adult that could take action and remind her younger self that the one way to heal is to deal.
When you can’t stop hurting, it’s because whatever has hurt you has reignited and triggered all of the similar pain/feelings of the past and made all of those feelings that had been hidden away and “erased” by the “wonderful” relationship that you had that’s now gone, seem brand, brand new and seem VALID.
So now, you have all of the pain from your breakup ON TOP of all the pain that it’s activated from your past. That’s exhausting just to write out. Stay with me…
For me, I never really dealt with my pain because I figured that if I actually dealt with my feelings from the breakup, that it would bring back memories of all of the f*cktards and the mistakes I had made and the heartbreak and disappointment. I felt like it would just make me hate myself more because deep down, I was ashamed to face the fact that I’d let this pattern happen for so many years and that there were things about myself that were scary and embarrassing to face – #1 being the state of denial I had reached.
If you can’t stop hurting, the only way to unclog that nasty toilet for good is to feel the pain and work through it by taking action, facing your fears, yourself and your struggles head on. Heal, deal and release. Flush the sh*t.
Think about it this way: If you acknowledge that you’re hurting and that pain is residing within you right now, what will happen to that pain? If you stop fighting it and acknowledge that it is there and commit to feeling it and working through it with your head in reality, what will be of the pain then? Just like the house alarm that goes crazy when you walk in and it won’t stop blaring until you enter the pass code, you’ll begin to disarm the pain and the hold it has on you.
The reason you can’t stop hurting and keep feeling trapped in your feelings is the same reason that you keep revisiting and attracting the same, hurtful dynamic and relationships. It’s because it is all you know, it’s familiar and to you; it’s home. Sometimes home is NOT where the heart is. Sometimes home is where the pain, the past, the insecurities, the insanity and all of the skeletons and ghosts of f*cktards past are. Sometimes home is a dirty, f*cked up place that needs a deep cleaning.
Your home needs a serious renovation.
To move past this once and for all, you need to honor and acknowledge the bad, the ugly, the painful, the good, everything. Don’t condemn yourself to a lifetime of denial, bitterness and anger.
Yes of course, remembering all of the pain was hard but it allowed me to identify my patterns, my “type” and actually make the commitment to myself to work through my unresolved feelings as opposed to working against them.
It made me stop taking ownership of other people’s bs behavior. It also made me start to take ownership of the one thing that I had always been too scared to be accountable for and take ownership of: MYself, MY actions, MY emotions and MY thoughts.
Your great, great, great, great grandparents kicked their asses to stay strong and stay alive so that you could be here right now, reading this blog and decide to take action now. NOT so you could live a life of “destined” misery, get dumped by some undeserving assbag and be forever broken. The End.
You’re built to prevail. You’re strong. You can get out of the pain.
I wrote a lot of my pain and experiences out, I talked to people I trusted and I scoured the internet for anything that would make me feel like someone, ANYone was somehow experiencing the same. I just wanted a safe space to turn to; something to make me feel like I wasn’t so alone.
I couldn’t find it so, I created it.
Thank YOU all for showing me through your emails, support, feedback and love that I’m so not alone. Not now, not then, not ever.
We’ve got each other