One thing I’ve always had such a hard time with is the bounce back. I’m much better now than I was years ago, but every now and then, something happens and I find myself stuck on feelings of pain and deep hurt, paralyzed and unable to emotionally carry on. It always seems like everyone else around me is bulletproof. Bad breakup? Just got rejected? Ha! You’d never guess. They deal and move on much faster, more ‘logically’ and seemingly stronger than I ever could.

“I can’t stop hurting. I’m sick of feeling this way. Was I born with some microchip or mutated gene that makes me feel TOO deeply?”

I didn’t get it. Everyone else seemed to bounce back and carry on just fine while I was in a standstill of pain, missing my ex and feeling like I could never trust happiness, people or myself again.

I remember months and months (“months and months” = a good solid YEAR) after my breakup with Mr. FT, I still felt totally stuck. I was so hurt by his ability to just forget about me, discard me and move on so quickly with another girl like he wasn’t just talking about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me a few weeks ago. Didn’t I mean anything to him? Wasn’t I enough? Of course I wasn’t. I hadn’t been enough for him because I felt and truly believed that I had never been good enough for anyone, myself included. You can’t get someone to see in you what you’ve never been able to see in yourself. I kept analyzing and obsessing over it. One minute, I’d be like “F him!” and get angry and be riding high in my car rapping to Jay Z and thinking I had finally “moved on,” and another minute, I’d blame myself and rehash every fart that was ever released in the relationship, cry my eyes out, play Inspector Gadget: The F*cktard Edition and Facebook stalk his every move.

But no matter what, it would ALWAYS circle back to me being on this hamster wheel of a gnawing hurt that would never, ever relent. My pain ran deep. Deeper than I ever knew because I was always failing to properly acknowledge it.

This was the one tunnel that I knew in my bones there was never going to be any light at the end of because I honestly couldn’t foresee an end.

So what would I do? I’d go blindly involve myself with another emotionally unavailable guy or new BFF that I felt like I had to “win over” and somehow compete for they’re love, attention, validation and acknowledgement because as long as I had the continued pain/drama/detective playing to focus on, that would mean that I wouldn’t have to really dig deep or focus on the last big heartbreak as much. Also, it prevented me from having to deal and subsequently revisit all of the pain, hurt, and feelings of rejection and abandonment that had been accumulating my entire life. So, even though I felt like I couldn’t stop hurting and was in a state of always feeling like varying degrees of sh*t, I wasn’t really doing anything to get to the root of the pain.

My pain was a weed that I kept spraying weed repellent on instead of taking the time to get the right tools and uproot it once and for all.

I was subsequently attracting people who treated me poorly because, as I have said before, you will always attract into your life (and be attracted to) people who treat you NO WORSE than you treat yourself. 

I was unable to treat myself well because I was so focused on the pain I felt from my last breakup, a breakup that depleted all of my self-esteem and a relationship in which I was “unconditionally loving” at the expense of my self worth. So, I was basically wandering around in pain, lost, stuck and depleted of any kind of self belief, worth, value and love.

Whether it’s a broken relationship with a family member, losing your job, the ending of a friendship or you’ve just experienced a breakup with yet another emotionally unavailable guy, you may find yourself (even after an embarrassingly long time), still stuck on the pain and still unable to drink, work, talk, exercise, gossip or cyber stalk the hurt away.


How do you get unstuck when you’re stuck on the pain and can’t stop hurting?

I realized that I was going around with no self love, no belief that I could get or feel any better, no confidence and although I felt like I was “dealing” with my pain just because I constantly felt it, I wasn’t. At all.

I was like a car running for a year with the break alert light on. My breaks finally gave out and I hit a wall.

When I learned how to address my pain, I was able to deal with it and I noticed that as I dealt with the pain of the past and present, I started to embrace my feelings and stopped emotionally shutting down whenever something made me feel vulnerable or when I felt like I was at risk of being abandoned or rejected.

This is why I’m such an advocate for not contacting your ex after a breakup. Even though all you want is the validation from your ex and your obsessive thoughts are all about him, you also need to grasp that you must take the time to do the one thing that you’ve proven to be more than proficient at not doing: You must grieve.

Grieve the death of the person that you thought existed. KNOW that they haven’t changed. KNOW that you did nothing to make them change out of the prince that they pretended to be and KNOW that this is a sign that you need to turn inward. You have a real shot at having the kind of relationships, friendships and life that you’ve always dreamed of, don’t let it pass you by.

I realized that just because I was in pain and felt trapped in my hurt and obsessive thoughts, that did not mean that I was allowing myself to proper environment to actually grieve.

If you feel stuck, trapped and like you’ll forever be in pain and can’t stop hurting, it’s because your breakup has reminded you, your psyche, your body and your emotions of the same pain of the past. It’s like ripping open every old wound.

A guy would dump me and immediately, I’d feel like I was the scared and abandoned 5 year old Natasha and sadly, I would emotionally regress to feeling THAT helpless, forgetting that I was now an adult that could take action and remind her younger self that the one way to heal is to deal.

When you can’t stop hurting, it’s because whatever has hurt you has reignited and triggered all of the similar pain/feelings of the past and made all of those feelings that had been hidden away and “erased” by the “wonderful” relationship that you had that’s now gone, seem brand, brand new and seem VALID.

So now, you have all of the pain from your breakup ON TOP of all the pain that it’s activated from your past. That’s exhausting just to write out. Stay with me…

For me, I never really dealt with my pain because I figured that if I actually dealt with my feelings from the breakup, that it would bring back memories of all of the f*cktards and the mistakes I had made and the heartbreak and disappointment. I felt like it would just make me hate myself more because deep down, I was ashamed to face the fact that I’d let this pattern happen for so many years and that there were things about myself that were scary and embarrassing to face – #1 being the state of denial I had reached.

If you can’t stop hurting, the only way to unclog that nasty toilet for good is to feel the pain and work through it by taking action, facing your fears, yourself and your struggles head on. Heal, deal and release. Flush the sh*t.

Think about it this way: If you acknowledge that you’re hurting and that pain is residing within you right now, what will happen to that pain? If you stop fighting it and acknowledge that it is there and commit to feeling it and working through it with your head in reality, what will be of the pain then? Just like the house alarm that goes crazy when you walk in and it won’t stop blaring until you enter the pass code, you’ll begin to disarm the pain and the hold it has on you.

The reason you can’t stop hurting and keep feeling trapped in your feelings is the same reason that you keep revisiting and attracting the same, hurtful dynamic and relationships. It’s because it is all you know, it’s familiar and to you; it’s home. Sometimes home is NOT where the heart is. Sometimes home is where the pain, the past, the insecurities, the insanity and all of the skeletons and ghosts of f*cktards past are. Sometimes home is a dirty, f*cked up place that needs a deep cleaning.

Your home needs a serious renovation.

To move past this once and for all, you need to honor and acknowledge the bad, the ugly, the painful, the good, everything. Don’t condemn yourself to a lifetime of denial, bitterness and anger.

Yes of course, remembering all of the pain was hard but it allowed me to identify my patterns, my “type” and actually make the commitment to myself to work through my unresolved feelings as opposed to working against them.

It made me stop taking ownership of other people’s bs behavior. It also made me start to take ownership of the one thing that I had always been too scared to be accountable for and take ownership of: MYself, MY actions, MY emotions and MY thoughts.

Your great, great, great, great grandparents kicked their asses to stay strong and stay alive so that you could be here right now, reading this blog and decide to take action now. NOT so you could live a life of “destined” misery, get dumped by some undeserving assbag and be forever broken. The End.

You’re built to prevail. You’re strong. You can get out of the pain. 

I wrote a lot of my pain and experiences out, I talked to people I trusted and I scoured the internet for anything that would make me feel like someone, ANYone was somehow experiencing the same. I just wanted a safe space to turn to; something to make me feel like I wasn’t so alone.

I couldn’t find it so, I created it.

Thank YOU all for showing me through your emails, support, feedback and love that I’m so not alone. Not now, not then, not ever.

We’ve got each other

x Natasha


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You are absolutely beautiful in that photo and always xoxxx


OMG I know! So beautiful Natasha


I really enjoyed this article and it struck a chord with me. Sometimes when I read some of your words, I get chills. You are so right about everything and you’re doing a whole lot of good. More than you know. You are so talented and appreciated and loved. I can’t wait to do the giveaway!


WOW. I just woke up and got my alert that you posted. Loved this post! I so needed this. I have been stuck on hurting from the breakup with my emotionally unavailable ex and this just gave me so much hope and so much valuable advice that I know I can follow. You make me feel so strong Natasha. I just want to be as amazing and strong as you. Hope you had a great weekend. I loved your Insta posts!!




I love this post. It’s nice because this can be towards friendships or relationships. It hits home in both situations, You need or strive for the validation.. This is amazing.. Thank you Natasha


I’ve been going through a breakup, and over the past two weeks, I haven’t been able to stop crying and thinking, “what could I have done differently?” I stuck with him through his infidelities, constant lies, and a total lack of respect for me on his part. Yet, I kept (and to be honest, keep) asking myself, “Why wasn’t I enough? What should I done differently?”

I found your blog last night and spent hours reading through your words, feeling like they immediately struck a chord with me. I could have been writing these words! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings — they’ve already helped me immensely.


I wonder how you feel now. I am feeling the same way you did and I can not believe that I allowed my self to be so vulnerable.


I recently had a break up and it’s been a month now. He was my first love and has already moved on within the first couple of weeks. Nothing seemed to make sense with all the hurt when it first happened. It still doesn’t until I read your post, everything seems to relate to my pain and I feel like for once I’m not alone and the feelings I’m having are normal as everyone seems to be telling me to get a grip. I feel it’s helping me deal correctly with this second dose of pain from the heart break and hurt of him moving on. So thank you for writing such a honest post that I can finally relate too and help me without feeling so alone.


I can’t thank you enough. You’re feeling are normal and you are never, ever alone- email me any time XOXO



You will never know how much I needed to find this blog today.


Thanks Annie! I’m glad you’re here 🙂 xo


I had my first break up 2 months ago. He was my first for a lot of things. For the past 2 years I was emotionally distancing myself in preparation of the inevitable moment that it would end. I was with him for a total of 5 years. For the past two months I’ve been fine, but today it was like a flood gate opened and I can’t breathe. Everything hurts, and I have this sharp pain at the base of my throat. I miss him so much.


I found this site over the summer and it has helped me so much. I thank you Natasha for sharing so much of your inner self and feelings. Please know it has truly helped me and made me feel less alone since my breakup.


That’s all I care about <3 So happy that the blog has helped and honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. Thanks Charlotte! You are loved, supported, understood and never alone. XOXO


I was with my ex for 4 years, and even after we broke up I stuck around for another year “unofficially” but waiting for him to work on himself and realise he couldn’t live without me. He never wanted to communicate, he would completely shut down every time I wanted to have a serious conversation, you know, about our future together. I felt like I had forced him into loving me, into living with me and into getting engaged, I knew In my mind he didn’t want any of it, but I thought I was the girl that had come along and changed him, and that he loved me so much he wanted it all too. Last week, I saw him with another girl, we had been together just 2 days prior. I felt sick to my stomach, I have never been in such a state and so blindsided. I spend the next few days obsessively googling something, anything to give me an answer! How could he! Does he miss me! Why her! Who is she!!!?? Then I came across your blog and i finally felt like I wasn’t so alone, I come on it every few hours to get my thoughts straight again. Thank you xx


Hi Samantha! I’m so happy that the blog has helped! You are far from alone – you are believed in, supported, understood, loved, empathized with and understood. Always. Thanks for being a part of this tribe! 🙂 XO


I made this mistake too , to stay around for one year “unofficially “, mistake that I paid too high a price for


I know this is an older blog, but good lord did it hit home with me… every. single. word! I had tears pouring as I was reading this. So much of the things you write about on your blogs are as if you have literally “walked in my shoes” my whole life… The very fact that there are so many of us who have struggled and lived through the hurt of our past and still be sane enough and brave enough to keep on moving.. speaks volumes of what that hurt and pain does to us as we grow… STRENGTH is built on mistakes of our past and learning from them and realizing we are the only ones who truly have control of our own lives and happiness.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your life experiences with all of us through your words! Don’t ever stop doing what you are doing. God has definitely touched your soul .. sister!!
Love and respect. Always.
Vicki xo


Vicki, I’m in tears! Thank you for being you. Words can’t express my gratitude; I’m honored to have helped.

I promise to keep at it and am in the process of expanding! 🙂 Love you soul sister. xx


I’d love to talk to people who are going through the same stuff I am. I don’t feel like anyone in my reality has a clue right now, even though I have people around. Where can I find people like that..?


Hi….I am available to talk if you would like. Just went through a breakup and trying to move on


I really relate to all the feelings as well. I believe the mind whether male or female after being dumped or loss must be very similar. I have been trying to bounce back after being dumped after almost 8 years living with my ex and stepson it feels impossible to get over the loss. also raising my 3 kids on my own feels very overwhelming and empty without the family dynamic we once had. I have no interest in finding dates as I still love my ex . I’m not sure how to move on :(…


Hi Wes! Thank you for sharing. Keep coming back here to the blog. I know it’s hard. You’re not alone.


I was recently thrown in the trash by the man I thought I’d marry. I just turned 40 and finally thought I found my Prince Charming! (After dating for what seems to be an eternity I thought I finally found him).
It takes a minute for me to fall but when I fall, I fall hard. I love deeply. I’ve always been highly sensitive. Long story short, I fell for a recently divorced guy who swore up one side and down the other that he was over his ex-wife. Life was beautiful with him. But as quickly as the magic came, it left. I finally thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel only to discover it was an oncoming train. Now my heart is in pieces.


You are loved, understood, empathized with, backed, believed in, supported and never alone. Sending you love <3 xo


As a man, I can relate to this article so well. My girlfriend of 3 years stopped loving me at some point recently, though only a week earlier we were planning a life together. I am 58 and she is 46 with 3 children at home. I am devastated and reading what you wrote sums up my feelings exactly. Like so many others, I take the full blame for what happened thinking that if only I had done something differently. When she would pull away, I would try to make everything alright for her. It seems that every time that things got close to a commitment of some sort, she would back off and then I would become more needy. Now, I want nothing more than to reconcile with her though I know that if I take off the rose colored glasses for a minute that there was many problems in the relationship – very one sided. I was only at times a priority in her life. As a father, I realize that with children, they must come first, and I never asked or expected to come before them, but I often felt like an afterthought.

Now my heart is shattered, I cannot seem to get past this feeling and feel as if I will never find anyone as perfect as her and will never feel good again if I can’t be with her. I know that is not true, but it is where I am.

Thank you for writing this article. It has touched me and helped in numerous ways.


Hi Jim! Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I have so many more posts that will help immensely with what you’re going through. Just keep coming back here to the blog and know that you are understood, supported and never alone.


THIS is exactly what I needed reminding of today. I’ve been feeling stuck for a while now and get nervous that I’m too “comfortable” with where I’m at with this breakup. Thank you again, Natasha, for constantly inspiring me and reminding me of the better that is out there. Xox


I’m happy to help 🙂 Always. You got this and you’re never alone.

Love you so xx


Natasha – thank you a million times over once again. This is what I needed today. I’ve been stuck in a dark tunnel of “on and off’s “since a year and a definite off (aka stonewalled by my sociopathic narcissistic soulmate ex) since 3 months. He is calling his new flame “queen” in FB innuendos, he used to call me goddess. Some comfort there…not. The 3rd paragraph where you start by “I remember” is as if you are writing about me. It feels so nice to not feel alone. To not feel crazy. To have this sisterhood and good friends who have my back. It feels good to realize that it is I who needs to have my own back the most. I’m not quite there yet but getting there and your blog and getting the information needed to understand it all enough to process it is simply priceless. You really have every right to feel proud for what you are doing for all of us. The trauma of being discarded by a wolf in sheep’s skin only to discover that I am also at fault for being a co-dependent is something that takes a while to digest but at least this time I know that it is on me I need to work. I could not see the light for so long. It’s nice to see it again.


I’m honored and so happy to help 🙂 Thank YOU Michelle for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe. XO


Exactly the post I needed to find! All of your posts have helped me make so much sense of my life and why I choose for myself what I choose. Your posts give me hope and make me realize that what I’m going through is completely normal as I’ve always been given the “their is something wrong with you” message from those closest to me…it’s so empowering to know that not only is their not anything wrong with me, but that what I’m feeling has been felt by thousands of others and I can get to the other side of this pain and change my beliefs and my cycles! I love this post! Thank you for sharing, Natasha ?


This made me tear up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Janna. I’m so happy and honored to help. Love you sister! xx


need this. and the other one i just read.


<3 xoxo


I have been drinking this blog in for the past few days. Any spare time I have, I’m here.
They all hit home, but this one really does.
My last two breakups..I almost immediately found someone new and dove right in. I never allowed myself to feel the pain. It seems so clear now as I’m in breakup number three.
I need to feel it, grieve it, work through it instead of burying it and putting a bandaid on it.
I’ve thought all this time I was alone in how I feel. That I’ll never be enough. Good enough. Pretty enough. Realizing that I am not alone and that this is a place I can relate to, vent, a relief.
Word spread fast, and I’ve already been asked out more than once. This time, I’ve turned them down.
I need to spend some time with myself and real time getting over him..and dealing with my own issues.
I’m enrolled in the No Contact Contract course now, and I will see this through. Find me. Lose him. Stop following and constantly checking his social media.
Thank you for this safe haven, Natasha.


Hi Leigh!

Thank YOU for your love, connection, support, and for being a part of this tribe. Thank YOU for affirming that I am not/was never alone in experiences, pain, and feelings that for so long I was convinced that I was alone in. I hope that you enjoy the course as much as I did creating it.

You are never, ever alone. I am so happy and honored to help.

All my love to you. And remember… If I can do it alone, we can definitely do it together. Believe in my belief in you. You got this.

You are incredible. Thanks for existing, Leigh. xx

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