Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, breakups distort our vision. It’s not that we don’t know what to do after a breakup, it’s that we can’t see.

Think about it this way…

You know how to drive a car, right? Right. So let’s just say that you’ve been driving in desirable conditions for a while – great weather, no traffic, your favorite music on, and the love of your life by your side, operating the GPS, in the passenger seat. What could be better?

Then, one day out of the blue… he says that he’s feeling sick, is over the drive and wants to get out of the car. NOW. In shock, you watch him get out without any hesitation. And just like that, you’re on your own – with no working GPS and having lost all sense of direction.

You try to drive back home but aren’t sure where home is (or if you even have a home. HE was your home). As the reality of homelessness starts to sink in, what you could swear was perfect weather is now a snowstorm with fog so dense, you can’t see. What was zero traffic has now turned into a makeshift racetrack with cars swerving all around you amidst the snow. What was your favorite music is now nothing but the beat of your stressed and broken heart.

You’ve got no choice but to pull over. Scared out of your mind, you convince yourself that calling him is your only option.

He tells you that there’s no storm, no race cars and that you just don’t know how to drive. He asks you to stop “making up stories” just to get in touch and then “drives off” in a better car with a new girl who’s everything you’re not… while you’re still stuck… on the side of the road… in the snow.

You don’t know what to do or where to go.

You are literally lost without him.

Did you call him because you don’t know how to drive a car? No. You called because you were lost, scared, triggered, and convinced yourself that you couldn’t tap into your own GPS (that you allowed him to operate).

It’s not that you don’t know what to do after a breakup, it’s that you’ve lost access to your GPS and your vision is clouded by scary emotional conditions. These emotional conditions make acceptance, moving on, and being “the one that got away,” seem impossible.

It’s time to regain your 20/20 vision.

Here’s what you need to know and what to do after a breakup…

Knowing what to do after a breakup is crucial. This is a time that you can build unbelievable strength and bounce back like never before. It’s also a time where you can (and often do), pull off the emotional road and decide to ACT on your fears (which often results in further heartbreak and humiliation).

If you don’t know what to do after a breakup and you’ve already messed up, had a weak moment, and reached out or met up with your toxic ex… It’s okay.

HOW?

The only benefit of being in a relationship with toxic people is that they are very weak minded, short term thinkers. The majority of how they remember you is comprised of what you do/don’t do in the present moment. Because they’re unable to connect, they rarely go back into the past and remember all the details – good or bad.

As long as you allow time to pass, more time than you ever have, of remaining in a state in which you’ve never been in (and thus reintroducing your ex to who you truly are), he’ll eventually start to get curious.

And no matter how much he tries to pacify that curiosity by attempting to give life to his idea of the old/weak you… he will always fall short in fully subscribing to it because you’ll be inadvertently holding a mirror up to him at every corner.

This isn’t about mean-spirited retaliation or cheap, short term revenge (which will always result in long term pain, humiliation, and dissatisfaction). It’s about putting someone (who was consistently inconsistent and hurtful), in emotional checkmate while staying on your white horse and moving on. 

When it comes to what to do after a breakup…

  • Emotionally pull over.

When trying to figure out what to do after a breakup… first, acknowledge that those scary conditions (even though largely a figment of your lack of self-love), are indeed scary. Make the decision to emotionally pull over for your own emotional well being. This is especially difficult because it literally goes against everything that your heart, mind, and body are moth-to-a-flame pulled in the direction of.

When a person, circumstance or situation breaks your heart, understand that you NEED space; you have to have it.

Without space, you disable your own emotional airbag from releasing and rob yourself of the perspective that’s needed to heal, deal and move on. As I always say, contradiction is the root of all misery. You can’t be engaged in constant contact with whatever broke you, while also wanting to emotionally heal.

  • Feel it, don’t feed it.

It’s not only normal, but it’s also healthy to feel pain, sadness, heartbreak, anger, and all the emotions associated with loss. Without feeling our way through the pain, we wouldn’t be able to heal and reach indifference. What isn’t healthy, is allowing those feelings to manifest into self-sabotage.

  • Resurrect yourself.

Whatever you see yourself as, you’ll become. I only saw myself as happy when I was with my ex. Our relationship became my identity. So, after the breakup, my happiness and my identity were gone. You are so much more than a “please-complete-me,” advertisement whose happiness is solely based on the level to which she can emotionally defibrillate toxic people.

  • Run out of f*cks to give.

Understand that once your relationship, trust, respect, etc. is broken, the other person’s emotional state is no longer your priority or responsibility. YOU are your priority.

  • Use your heartbreak as a launching pad.

Think about this – what if you had dumped your ex for whatever reason. And your ex, although sad, did not react.

He/she accepted your decision, went completely no contact, and went more MIA than usual on social media for a bit. You are feeling good and having fun, but you notice that when they get back on social media, something is different.

They don’t try to get a rise out of you or do anything predictable. They become the best version of themselves (and not in the way that a monkey could do – through filters, nights out, notice-how-great-I-am-without-you captions, motivational quote posting, and smoke and mirrors that your gut can see right through), but in a different way. In a completely “I-don’t-want-or-need-a-reaction-from-you,” under-the-radar, and indifferent kind of way.

Trust me when I say that you’d hate it. It would get under your skin and no matter how happy you were, it would eat away at you because you wouldn’t truly know wtf was going on. The predictable transparency that you were banking on isn’t there.

Remember: happy people who take care of their own emotional needs are too busy being HAPPY to waste their time driving the social media knife in an ex that was never worth it.

NO ONE wants to break up with someone and see that they not only remained non-reactive but became BETTER – happier, healthier, hotter, stronger, more successful, etc., as a result of breaking up with them. NO ONE wants to feel like they were nothing more than a professional launching pad for their ex.

USE every ounce of the pain, confusion, anger, embarrassment, resent, and heartbreak that you’re feeling right now to LAUNCH yourself into the kind of greatness that’s so great, you won’t have to advertise it or tell everyone because people will be telling YOU (and your ex) just how great you are.

CREATE  something that you’ve always wanted to create; do something that you’ve always wanted to do and never thought possible. One of my favorite quotes by Rumi: “act as though everything is rigged in your favor” – even your breakup.

  • Get clear on your tolerations.

Understand that everything you are feeling and experiencing right now is a direct product of your tolerations. In life, you will always get what you consistently CHOOSE to put up with.

Writing a list of what you’re no longer willing to tolerate (from yourself and others) is great, but ACTING upon that list is what creates that X-Factor that everyone is attracted to, wants to emulate, and wants a piece of but can’t quite describe or put their finger on.

And if you think word travels fast, imagine ENERGY. Translate through your actions what you’re no longer willing to tolerate and believe me, the energetic antennas of your toxic ex and toxic people near and far will go up immediately upon the release of your newly established signal.

  • Hit the emotional gym.

Knowing what to do after a breakup is directly related to your emotional fitness. The day I realized that the power I had over my emotional strength was dependent upon consistent habit (NOT luck), my life changed. Just like insecurity is habitual (you were not born insecure – you ARE insecure today due to years of making a habit out of subscribing to the belief that you are not enough), security is habitual as well. Do you want to know what to do after a breakup? Choose to see things as they ARE – not as your triggers, low self-esteem beliefs, and fears try to paint them to be.

This is why no contact is discussed so much as a rule to implement after breakups – yes, it’s a great tool for many reasons, but the real benefit is the unbreakable core that it builds within YOU (if you do it for the right reasons). With every second of no contact that goes by, you’re building emotional strength.

Having emotional strength isn’t about never feeling triggered, angry, sad, or inadequate. It’s about no longer having the desire to stay in the swamp of denial and claim those low energy feelings as your emotional home base. Why? because you finally see just how steep the cost is for doing so. If you choose to stay there, you get justification for continuing to connect with your ex (on any level), but the long term COST (insecurity, inactivity, emotional paralysis. time wasted), is far too great. This is how trauma bonds and destructive relational patterns are formed.

Knowing what to do after a break up is dependent on emotional fitness, but if you don’t have an understanding of what it takes to attain and maintain that fitness, how will you ever succeed?

My entire life was spent trying to get emotionally fit by going to the proverbial gym for one, long and intense day (that generally wore me out after the burst of momentary motivation). This is why self-help seminars are so lucrative – they allow the attendees to emotionally workout on a very intense level unlike ever before but obviously, for only a very short and concentrated period of time. This can be very beneficial – only if the practices become a daily habit.

I guarantee that if you were extremely out of shape, went to the gym and worked out for 9 hours straight, you wouldn’t see any results (or be motivated to go back the next day). However, it’s common knowledge that if you go to the gym every day for an hour and workout, you will eventually lose weight and see results over time. Stop expecting instant gratification from one intense session and then use the burnout that you feel to justify making more bad decisions.

Remember, you know how to drive. Don’t act on the fear that the scary emotional conditions ignite. Don’t give people a roadmap to your wounds, triggers, and power source by reacting from the fear, brokenness, and pain that is meant to pass – not to stay.

You are so much more than someone else’s decision. You’re the product of your OWN.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with me here.  

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65 comments

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I love you. I love your work. You inspire me. You help make me stronger. Keep doing the damn thing! I have my motivation because of your blogs. I screenshot them, “pocket” them and read them every day and it really works. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!!!! ♥️

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Thanks for making my day Avianne 🙂 I love you too!! XO

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Any thoughts / suggestions from anyone out there about returning a house key? My ex dumped me via text unexpectedly around the holidays. This was a very typical move, based on what I’ve seen here. the words of “I love you” and “lets move in together” to abruptly “I need space”. We texted and saw each other a few times after that (him either stringing me along or telling me “he just can’t”), then I finally gave up after I found out on Facebook that he’s “in a relationship” with a just-turned-22 year old girl (he’s 40). There seems to be a distinct possibility that there was some overlap, based on the timing, but for my own sanity, I’m trying not to go there. I’ve deleted all his contact info from my phone, social media, etc. but wondering about returning his key. I am going to assume he’s probably had his locks changed and/or may not WANT it back (or care), but I feel like it’s kind of one of the last remnants I’m trying to get rid of to heal (along with the help of your website, which has been a god send). By writing this out, I’m asking myself now, why do I even care or need to bother…..he still has my key, I have no interest in getting it back. As bad as a person he turned out to be, I’m not worried about my safety (plus I don’t have his contact info anymore!) Maybe it’s my subconscious trying to dismount from my white horse……any thoughts from the tribe are appreciated!

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Will try to see if I can write a post related to this soon. xoxo

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Hello Bo.
My take on this is to just put it out of your sight and mind. My friend was in the same position and she went to the beach and threw it in the ocean. She never looked back. Just food for thought.
I’m so sorry you experienced this foolish person but really it is his loss. Clearly he has issues. Him dating someone way younger is a desperate cry of insecurity and so many other things. Just focus on you. Stay here in this blog and the healing will go much better than doing it alone. I’ve been there and I understand. Stay strong and be well.

Thank you for being here sister <3 I love seeing this love and support. xo

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This post, like so many of yours, is absolutely spot on. Thank you so much – I bookmark the most pertinent ones and come back to read and reread every time I’m feeling low, weak or sad; and it really helps. Thank you, you wonderful woman! xx xx xx

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It takes one to know one! So happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Chloe! xxxxx

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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! This was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
I appreciate you so much. I am go greatful for your blog. It’s a lifeline on tough days.

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So glad it helped! Thanks Kristen!! 🙂 xx

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This blog was a god send because it came right when my ex boyfriend cheated on me. I was beginning to slip from my white horse but this came right on time and now I’m holding tightly to the reigns again. Thank you, Natasha! You have no idea just how much your insight has helped me through this horrible breakup!

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Zoe can you share more of your situation or be willing to exchange emails? I just went through a bad breakup too and can’t seem to get over it! I feel like talking with people in same situation helps!! Thanks.

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YAY! You go girl. I’m honored to have played a part in your realizations and healing 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe! XO

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Yesssssss, another game changer! Perfect post 🙂 love this and you xoxo

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Love you too! Thanks sister 🙂 XO

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Hey Natasha,
I just wanted to say how much I love this blog and how much of it I can relate to! I like how you get straight to the point. Having had a really low period I am now proud of myself for gradually becoming more confident and learning to love myself a bit more and it’s not ‘perfect’ but that’s ok that never used to be enough for me. Your artickes have been really inspiring. Thank you! 🙂

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Hi Rosie! That makes me so happy to hear 🙂 Keep doing what your doing and just remember – you are understood, loved, backed, believed in and never, ever alone. XOXO

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Amazing. You have given me so much strength
Natasha
Thankyou thankyou from the bottom of my heart

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Thank YOU sister! I’m happy to have helped 🙂 XO

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Wow, this was everything i needed right now(and have ben trying to figure out lately). Such an amazing and eyeopening post!
I know i have done a lot of f**k ups since the breakup four months ago, but I stopped contackting my ex two and a half months ago and every day I’m getting closer to the place i want to be. I’ve worked through depression and stagnation (botn socially and in school), but I feel like I’m finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You’ve helped me so much, and I have hope that one day I might feel love again.

Again thank you so much Natasha! Greetings from Norway x

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I’m happy that it served you 🙂 Thanks Mishaell! You are loved and believed in. Thanks for being a part of this tribe! xx

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Super smart and insightful thank you Natasha. I’d love to hear more about specific ways you recommend of building emotional strength. Your blog is such a source of strength. Greetings from London. Xx

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What a great recommendation 🙂 thanks Jane! xx

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Brilliance, my friend! You have changed my life for the better, forever. Ladies – don’t fall for these jerks! Husband of nearly 10 years, consistent cheating, and even an adorable, sweet, and perfect angel 6-year-old boy couldn’t keep him honest. If he’s a f*cktard, trust me, he will NEVER change! And guess what, he will blame YOU. Don’t trust me? Trust Natasha!

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Thanks soul sister 🙂 I’m happy to help! XOXO

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I always feel 100x better after reading all your blog posts. I am truly blessed that I came across you and your blog after my horrible breakup. I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve helped me see and understand! <3 XOXO, -Kristianna

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Yay! I’m so happy to help! Thanks Kristianna! 🙂 xx

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I honestly cannot thank u enough for this article and your others. I very recently found out my partner of so many years had cheated on me with a woman from work. It broke my heart and a part of me the day I found out, but your articles especially this one have made me strong and helped me to face the road ahead alone to become an even more awesome version of myself and the one he will always regret letting go. Thank u so much from the deepest part of my soul. Xx ?

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It is my pleasure Han! <3 I'm happy to help and honored to have played a part in your realizations and healing. You are believed in, loved, understood, supported and never, ever alone. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to reach out. All my love to you soul sister. xxxx

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It’s crazy how you wrote a post just when I needed it most. I’ve grown so strong and positive since I’ve found this blog, it’s literally guided me through my journey to discovering who I am. Sometimes I still have bad days ,reminiscing on thoughts then I read like a maniac and realise why it never worked out. I hope to find true love one day; a kinder love.

Love you

Natasha

Liv ??

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Love you Liv! I have no doubt that you will find that love – you have now found it in yourself 🙂 You’re not alone. X

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Love!

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🙂 XO

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Natasha, thank you. I love you for reaching into my core and helping me see. I am healing. Fast and furiously. It feels like a renaissance and my own energy helps me instead of burying me. Two people in the last 24 hours have told me that I shine and that my presence has had a huge impact on THEIR healing! I’m not even trying, I’m just being who I want to be.

I really do love you. Thank you.
Sherri

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I’m all smiles 🙂 so proud of and happy for you Sherri! I love you too sister! XO

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Ever since my breakup I have read A LOT of articles,blog posts and anything I could get my hands on to try and pick myself up and simply feel a little better! . Your writing has helped me the most and I always run to your website and Instagram if I need a bit of cheering up 🙂 Thank you Natasha ?
Sending lots of love from Ireland

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Hi Chlo! It is my pleasure and honor to have played a part in your healing, happiness, realizations and hope through heartbreak. Thank you for your love, sisterhood, support and for being a part of this tribe. You are empathized with, loved, supported, understood and never, ever alone. I hope to visit Ireland one day soon and give you a big hug in person! 🙂 xx

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So me and this guy, let’s call him D because good friends in our friend group last October. We go to different school about two hours away. But from same hometown. We had a group chat with our friends and always flirted. It was obvious we both wanted to hookup. So finally after a while me and him ended up hanging out in early December and realized it wasn’t just a hookup. We fell for each other! We hung out everyday for the next month until we had to go back to school. We both have exs we had a FWB relationship with but it both stop once we realized we liked each other. So everything was amazing. He treated me right, I met his family, we laughed, we kissed. He made me feel like I could love again so quickly. There was just such a connection. So as we left for school it was hard because I knew I wouldn’t see him as much and he was rushing a frat and I wouldn’t be able to visit much. So we did long distance for about a month and it was good but hard because it was a fresh thing and being far away it’s hard when you just got into it. Makes you get serious faster than you want. So he started rushing his frat and has to pledge and be a slave pretty much for the semester and he realize he wouldn’t have time for me and kinda wanted to be single as well since we are far away and he is around sorority girls for the first time (I am one and understand why he feels like that, it’s normal) so he kinda just stopped talking to me but I heard from a friend he wanted to end things but still hang out cause he likes me but it’s just terrible timing. Especially since I’m his last relationship he was cheated on and getting into a new one kinda reminded him of her. So I visited his college and we hooked up both knowing it was over. I talked to his roommate and his roommate said he liked me he jut thinks the timing couldn’t be worse and that I’m really cool and he honestly could see himself dating me but he just wants to do him right now and not be serious anymore. And in the future if it happens it happens. and after I left to go home and he went to go home too so I asked if I could come over and we could talk. Ever since he started pledging he just isn’t excited about anything. He looks miserable honestly. But I went over to talk and we agreed that we should do our own thing because being far away is hard and he wants to “fool around as he says” but he said he would like to still see me and obviously hook up and I agreeed because I want to see him and summer is coming up and I feel like maybe it would pick back up. But he did say to me that “don’t expect a relationship to come” and I think he said that so I won’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen and I said I won’t. But eventually I just have a feeling like it could. We had such a good connection and so much fun together. But I low key really just want to be together. I agreed to this when I do want to hookup but I’d like him to miss me and want to hang me again eventually. So last night I found out from a mural friend that he hooked up with his ex and said to her that he couldn’t help it it was a hookup and he will always love her. But when he talked to me about her previously he said that it’s just a easy hookup cause she cheated on him so she will do whatever he wants. Anyways me and his ex have had a few run ins and we don’t get along but I know we are doing our own thing now and I should be mad or sad but I really just eventually wanna win him over. I will try and work on myself and move on but I personally just want advice on what you think I should do to make me stand out and him like me and realize why did I end things with her when things were great with her? Especially cause I’m transferring home and will be closer and that’s a plus if things pick up so no LDR an we have all summer to respark. Help me please! Anyone knows how I feel right now. I just would like some tricks on what you think I should do?

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Hi Amber!

I wish that I could answer your questions, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer coaching if you’re interested.

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone XOXO

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I’m so glad I came here. I’m dealing with a great amount of pain from a recent breakup and I keep on hoping he will reach out to me and tell me all the things I want to hear. Slowly it’s sinking in that it’s just not what it used to be. I could no longer allow him to hurt my feelings, I walked away, literally. What kills me the most, is that he didn’t stop me.

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Hi Liz! I’m so glad that you came here too 🙂 You are understood, supported, loved, backed, believed in and never, ever alone. XOX

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LIZ- This is exactly how I am feeling right now. I walked away from a 5 year relationship because I felt like we weren’t growing and weren’t on the same page. He ALSO never stopped me OR tried to get me back. In fact, he stated yesterday that he wanted to be friends right now. ( WT*****?).. When I left, my words exactly were ” you aren’t meeting my needs” ( this came up several times over the years)…. What I realize now is we BOTH weren’t meeting each other’s needs. We BOTH have issues that drove us apart. We BOTH are emotionally unavailable, just in different ways. You walked out for a reason. You probably don’t feel it right now, but you did. The only pain you feel is him not coming back for you. Or chasing you… I’m only assuming here, but the reason you probably left wasn’t to get a rise out of him. Don’t you worry! It feels like the rejection is turned on you, because you still care so deeply. Remember the very reasons that brought you to your decision. Stand strong! You are far from alone. You have no idea how much your words help me feel connected. This won’t be easy, but ask yourself. Would getting him back really change things? In my case, they’d mayyyyyyybe be decent for a week or two max then we’d be back to old patterns. We both have work to do. (not saying you both are just like us!)… I know I’m going to get the help I need and that’s all that matters. You are going to get through this. You are worthy! Don’t ever forget it 🙂

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LOVE this! xoxo

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I don’t know how I came across your blog, but I am so glad I did. I’m going through an extremely difficult breakup where we BOTH were and still are emotionally unavailable (though he’d like to tell you he’s not 😉 ) I equate going through a breakup to a traffic jam. Sounds crazy, but it just came to me.. You’re going along just fine, wind in your hair, sun’s shining, music is blaring… life is good… “It can’t get any better than this” you say as you cruise along…Until all of a sudden…… everything quickly slows down and you come to a complete dead stop on the highway of life. Your mood changes, anger ensues and the next thing you know you’re sitting there screaming, shouting, angry, ticked off, and confused! “Why is this happening?” ” What caused this?” “WT*?!!!!!” …. Then it’s silence. You’re alone with yourself ( for the sake of the explanation, you’re driving solo). You look around and see cars for miles and you think… “Great, now what!?” ” What the heck GPS, why didn’t you tell me this!?” Wasn’t there a detour a ways back!!?( Perhaps the GPS did tell you but you were too busy listening to the music to hear its words) “…..And alas you are stuck and alone. Though there are cars/people all around, you still feel like you are the only one experiencing such an inconvenience. This thing is, you can chose how to handle this situation. Turn the music back up and take a deep breath, or keep on feeding that emotional flame inside by not settling into the present moment. Though traffic jams are brief compared to lengths of the “after break up” phase, they are so very similar. Sometimes life doesn’t give you another try , or detour in this case. Sometimes, things just come out of nowhere and life gives you zero warning. Sometimes, life does give you warnings and you were too busy ( or caught up with your own emotional unavailability/people pleasing ways)( or maybe you silenced your gut feeling all these years) to see a different path. What’s most important is being aware. Taking control and settling into the moment.. Only then you can realize whatever was meant to happen and see the situation at hand for what it is. Whether it’s a painful breakup or something as uselessly frustrating as a traffic jam, we eventually get through it. Though you have no control over the general traffic, you DO have control on how YOU handle it. Though you don’t always have control after a breakup, you DO have control on how YOU handle it. Going inward, assessing the situation for what it is and digging deep to gain strength are all important for moving forward ( like the traffic).. Time eventually allows you to heal. Time, great friends and a whole lot of self-reflection! 🙂

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LOVE this! 🙂 Thanks Jade! XOXO

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Hi Natasha

Thank you! I’ve gone no contact with my ex. It’s a pretty high conflict situation so no contact is imperative. However, now all those male friends of his are messaging me! It’s annoying as I’m just working on myself and healing. Why all the sudden after four months of no contact with my ex are his creepy guy friends messaging me saying crap like you can vent to me and let’s be friends! I only want to be friends! Ugh. So annoying. Maybe something to cover in a blog post? I don’t respond to these messages at all but maybe my ex is fishing for info? Or these dudes are like she’s single! Ugh. Annoying.

Suzy

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I would keep ignoring or black if you have to. I will try to write a post on this soon 🙂 Thanks Suzy! xx

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I just read this post. I’m going to implement every single one of these. Thank you so much for this beautiful post Natasha ❤️

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I’m so happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Denise. Love you <3

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“Emotionally defibrillate toxic people” I love that and I love your advice! So spot on and so helpful when we stop wrapping our identity around our significant other, letting go becomes so much easier. As I’m going through a break-up now and really trying to skyrocket myself to a new level it’s so hard to stay on the whitehorse sometimes.

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I cannot express to you how much you’ve helped me over the last couple years. I was at an all time low after the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with up and left me after nearly 5 years together. I was completely blindsided and heartbroken and he could not care less. I was so happy to have found your page! It’s not only helped me get my life back but to realize all the crap that I was putting up with in a horrible relationsh*t that i will NEVER put up with again!! I cannot wait till your book comes out! Thank you thank you thank you!

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Chels,

I am in tears <3 Thank YOU so much for your love, connection, support, and for being with me from nearly the beginning 🙂

It means more to me than my words could ever express because it's affirmation that I am not/was never alone in feelings, relationships, fears, and situations that I was convinced, I was alone in.

All my love to you Chels. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You will only ever, always be amazing. xx

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I awoke to reading your revamped post after a night of internal demolition derby. I’m relying on your paper trail until I’ve created my own. Thank you Natasha times unlimited thank-you’s ♥

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From the bottom of my heart, thank YOU Wyatt 🙂

You are never alone.

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Hello beautiful Natasha 😊

This was great! I honestly can say that all you write here helped me. The pain of no contact is deep but necessary and it is also important to carve out your own identity again. It takes a lot of time. I’m still a work in progress. Without you who knows where I would be.
You should continue to post old posts because it is a good reminder and a helpful tool. I can never be finished with all the good you have to share,
Thank you and remember you are loved. Be well.
😘🌸💕🦄

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Linda,

JUST when I was wondering if resurrecting a few posts here and there was a good idea… THANK YOU. Just thank you. I’m so glad that this older post was able to reach even more people.

And I’m thankful for both of our experiences because they are what allowed us to meet <3 Love and appreciate you sister. XOX

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Natasha ♡
I have written you previously and your blog has opened up my eyes to an entirely different perspective on life and more importantly myself. I bought your No Contact Contract back in March and of course, right after I finished it, my ex came crawling back and I took him back. I immediately moved in, he told me to not sign another year on my lease and later admitted he did that so that he would be “forced” to make our relationship work and not take the easy way out. Three months later, (two days ago) he broke up with me, told me he doesn’t want me there so I’m now forced to find a new place to live while I am sleeping on my sister’s couch and he’s sleeping in my bed. He’s caused me immense pain for the last two years, but this is the worst of it. He has mentally and verbally abused me, would go into a rage and lose his temper often. I know parting ways is the best thing. I want nothing to do with him, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. This is the ultimate betrayal. It’s pretty bad when our therapist we saw as a couple told me to breakup with him when I was in a session on my own 😂 You have encouraged me greatly and I am so glad that I found my way back to you. I want to learn to love myself and mean it and never make these same mistakes again.

I ♡ you and I cannot wait for the new book! I’m on the waitlist 🥰

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Tiffany!

I am so sorry that you’re going through this and I know what you mean… No matter what, it still breaks your heart.

You can now walk away while standing in your own power and know that you don’t have to worry about him ever changing.

You are never alone and I am so honored to have helped in any way. Can’t wait too! Love you sister. xox

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Hi Natasha,

You have become my guiding light. My strength and willpower. I finally walked away from a very selfish, toxic man. We have been in a 4 yr relationship. He is cheating on me. I saw a bumble notification on his phone while we were on a weekend away together last month. He told me bumble was for networking not dating. It’s a long distance relationship so when I got home I educated myself and found his profile. It advertised looking for a long term relationship under bumble dating. I confronted him and he said it doesn’t say a ROMANTIC long term relationship. I was stunned and disgusted. Denial kicked in and I just asked him to delete the profile and suggested we start talking about what was happening. Well…. that didn’t go far. He has began dating and being intimate with another woman a couple weeks ago. (That poor woman!). I didn’t confront him, I didn’t say a word. I just walked away this time. I literally just cut him out. I am wondering if I should have said something. Part of me now wishes he knew that I am aware of how much of a pig he is. He texted a few times, and has commented on a couple of Facebook pictures. The last I heard he asked me to please consider calling him because he needed understanding to find closure. Not one single reach out had anything to do with me. All about him. I am on the right path and feel that I am sitting on my white horse. Any suggestions on how to move past this need or wanting of mine for him to know that I know the full truth about him starting a new relationship and having sex while I am still in the picture? Also, I am having a very hard time knowing that he replaced me so quickly and knowing he is in bed with someone else. It is driving me crazy. Any advice on that?

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Laura,

I am so happy and honored to have helped in any way 🙂 Thank you for your love, connection, and support.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet. He had everything to gain by being with you and you had everything to lose.

I wish that I had the time to advise here in the comments (thank you for your kindness and understanding). I have many posts on this and will try to write another soon. What you are feeling is normal. I wish that I had the time to answer both questions, but anytime you want to tell him that you know the truth… remember that you will be giving your power away to him. Your silence is the only thing that will accomplish what you want. I know it’s hard and you are not alone. xx

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Natasha, I have been going through the worst heartbreak these past 6 months and your writing it truly a beacon in the night. I’ve come across your work before, but due to recent changes, this and a few other posts really resonated with me on a deep level. I needed to hear this today – the way you describe homelessness and building a home in others is EXACTLY what I’ve been doing my entire adult life. I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship that I started straight out of another 4.5 year relationship. The first was incredibly unfulfilling but I stayed out of fear of being alone. In the second, I fell deeply in love. I’m still trying to process how things went so terribly wrong. I know he loved me, and to some extent I sabotaged due to my own fear and self-doubt; in hindsight however, things really became toxic because the relationship continued. We went to couples therapy, but when it came to acknowledging my vulnerabilities, he also said that he couldn’t. When it came to handling conflict, he would give me the silent treatment, say it was his “defense mechanism” and do nothing to change it. As time went on, his unwillingness to commit to me, validate my feelings or respond to me with genuine compassion, wore on me more and more. I tried harder and harder; the homeless girl inside was wrecked. I try to stick up for myself but it always felt fake; inside I felt like I would collapse without him.

Over the last two years of our relationship, he went through a bit of a mid-life crisis. His career wasn’t what he wanted it to be so he was mad at everyone – his mother, his boss, and eventually me. He dug himself out of that by becoming increasingly self-focused; got into trail running and slowly rebuilt his persona online. I knew it was a bad deal, but I was ATTACHED. I wanted the gentle person who loved me back. In hindsight, in a lot of ways I was in a relationship with a single person.

To add salt to the wound, he bought a house — without me (at the age of 42 and I 36) and hid it from me while we lived in our place together for some weeks right after the breakup. I had every right to be angry when the truth came out, but he had such a toxic reaction to my anytime that I expressed a negative feeling, that I found myself apologize while sobbing!

A lot has happened since then, but I did leave, and have had moments of reclaiming my power. For some months, we tried to rotate our dogs who had gotten so used to one another. I couldn’t handle putting them through the transition without one another. He of course started texting, chatting me more, because he was lonely. He did a lot of things that confused me — wanted to keep our shared Netflix, Hulu; kept my credit card in his name open. And it kept me very hooked until I realized that I couldn’t move on under these conditions — if he wasn’t willing to say he wanted to reconcile then what was I doing?

I ended the dog exchange, painfully, hoping that he would step forward. I told him we could reconnect in a few weeks during trips we already had planned to exchange the dogs and re-evaluate the exchange at that time.

To my surprise, he texted at the last minute and said that he would love to watch/see Harley (my dog). The meetup was hard; he seemed aloof; we both got triggered, I was crying — I told him I had no idea how he was and asked him — he got choked up and said that he was “surving.” I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too.

He ran his first 50-miler that weekend — he texted me after and I cheered for him. When he came back, he was clearly feeling on top of the world. He started to snub me. We exchanged the dogs a few more times and during the last weekend (a few weeks ago) he went on a climb with some new friends and met someone. I had to see all the bantering on Facebook.

We messaged later that week to coordinate him picking up Kirin (his dog) and he told me all about his adventure and even mentioned this woman by name (presumably to acknowledge it). I decided to stop acting like everything was fine and basically said “I still love and miss you and this is still really hard.” He said he knew – he said he assumed – I said I wouldn’t assume he missed or loved me – he said he did, but that he’s “working on himself right now” and that might include not saying that.

He picked up Kirin the next day. I saw more flirting online the next night so I blocked him on Facebook. He continued to like my Strava updates and then stopped completely. The banter with this woman continued and I saw her say that she is going to make an appearance at the next group run. It’s pretty awful, because he bought a townhouse in the neighborhood that I’ve loved all the years I’ve been in the city — I dragged him to this neighborhood and listed to him guilt-trip me about it for years. After the breakup, I started going to the running group on Wednesday mornings, so he immediately started going on Tuesday evenings and made a bunch of friends. This woman is a coach in the community. Seeing this all — his dumb luck at meeting this chick on the side of a mountain — while grieving the future I dreamed of, and little fury pack we had with our pups – has been pretty excruciating.

I blocked him on Strava. I unfollowed a lot of mutual connections. I snoozed the run club. It’s not fair, but I know I need to rebuilt, and I can’t do it while feeling like he’s one degree away.

Trying to forgive myself for continuing to give him so much love and attention, for getting roped in by all this false hope. Trying to relieve myself of the torture that is imagining him having happily ever after with someone new/better. He made all of these healthy changes while we were together; it feels like I invested years into him and now someone else gets to feast on all my work.

What has been most remarkable about this all, is realizing that despite physical separation, he was able to maintain this emotional/energetic connection to me for so long. So again, the way you write about this feeling of homelessness, of people occupying space in your head and heart — it’s all so spot on, and I am grateful to know that I am not alone. I had a lot of emotional trauma when I was growing up and I know I need to make my sanctuary within now. I have never been able to figure out how to do this but I really appreciate your advice here. Thank you!

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Tiffany,

I am so happy and honored to have helped in any way <3 Thank you for sharing, for being a part of this tribe, and for being the light that you are.

You are never, ever alone. All my love to you soul sister. xox

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Natasha you are the absolute best. Your words heal a part of me that is deep, kind of like when you find that stretch in yoga? I am doing my emotional workouts everyday and just like the other readers have said, I screen shot, re-read your posts and they WORK. Your beautiful honesty is the beautiful TRUTH. It’s been about a year since I found PMS, and let me tell you my life has changed. I had a really bad break up about a year ago that triggered me to say ENOUGH. I am now focusing on the one thing I can control, ME!, I just completed a Pilates instructor certification, I’m studying architecture and my career is going great. I love the woman I am and I’m learning to love the journey I’ve been on. Your last post helped give me insight on admiring my journey versus being ashamed of it. I had a vision of sitting at the top of a mountain and not judging myself for how I got up, looking at my paths with wonder. I can honestly say your words and wisdoms got me there. You live what you speak. Sending so Much love and gratitude to you beautiful angel!! ❤️❤️

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Wow! I am so happy for you, proud of you, and honored to have helped in ANY way <3 This made my day. Thank you for being here and for being all that you are.

Love you. xox

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Thank you for this. This is something I have to deal with every now and then. You know what I think really helps, besides what you mentioned? A pet. I have a dog (my therapist).

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