Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, breakups distort our vision. It’s not that we don’t know what to do after a breakup, it’s that we can’t see.
Think about it this way…
You know how to drive a car, right? right. So let’s just say that you’ve been driving in desirable conditions for a while – great weather, no traffic, your favorite music on and the person that holds the key to your heart (& libido) in the passenger seat. What could be better?
Then one day out of the blue, your libido key holder says that he’s feeling sick, is over the drive and wants to get out of the car NOW.
Still in shock, you watch him get out in what seems like the most painfully slow motion EVER. And just like that, you’re on your own and without a GPS. You try to drive back home, but aren’t sure where home is (or if you even have a home. HE was your home). As the “omg-I’m-f*cking-homeless,” starts to sink in, what was perfect weather is now a snowstorm with fog so dense, you can’t see (& you can feel your ill-equipped car skidding).
What was zero traffic has now turned into a makeshift racetrack with cars swerving all around you amidst the snow.
What was your favorite music is now nothing but the beat of your stressed, scared & broken heart.
The car situation soon gets even more intense. You feel like you’re in The Fast and the Furious and you know your car can’t hang – with the other cars OR the storm. The weather continues to worsen and the fog becomes a whole new level of impossible.
You’ve got no choice but to pull over.
Scared out of your mind, you convince yourself that trying to call the shotgun passenger that once was, is
a great idea the ONLY option.
So… you call. He tells you that there’s no storm, no race cars and that you just don’t know how to drive. He asks you to stop “making up stories,” just to get in touch and then “drives off” into Instagram oblivion with a new girl who’s everything you’re not… while you’re still stuck… on the side of the road… in the snow.
You don’t know what to do or where to go.
You’re LITERALLY lost without him.
Did you pull your car over because you don’t know how to drive a car?
No. You pulled over because the life that your fear gave to those “impossible” conditions, clouded your vision. You couldn’t see.
Did you call him because you don’t know how to drive a car?
No. You called because you were lost, scared, triggered and had convinced yourself that he was the only GPS.
It’s not that you don’t know what to do after a breakup, it’s that your internal GPS is compromised and your vision is clouded by scary emotional conditions that make acceptance, moving on & being “the one that got away,” seem impossible.
It’s time to regain that 20/20 vision.
Here’s what you need to know & what to do after a breakup…
When trying to figure out what to do after a breakup, first acknowledge that those scary conditions, even though they are largely a figment of your low self esteem, are indeed scary. Make the decision to emotionally PULL OVER. Not so you can call him, but for YOUR OWN security, sanity and well being.
You need to secure your own oxygen first, before trying to give CPR to your relationsh*t.
Don’t act on the fear that those conditions ignite. You’ve already pulled over, so wait it out for a minute. I promise, the sky wont fall. The only thing that will EVER come out of reaching out to him right now, is being labeled as the girl that doesn’t know how to (emotionally) drive. Remember – you know how to drive.You were born with a level knowingness and resilience beyond what you could ever imagine.
Knowing what to do after a breakup is crucial. It’s a time that you can have the most profound power, impact, build unbelievable strength, be the one that got away and bounce back like never before. It’s also a time where you can (and often do), pull off the emotional road and decide to ACT on your fears (which often results in further heartbreak, rejection, humiliation & being made to feel crazy).
If you don’t know what to do after a breakup and you’ve already messed up, had a weak moment and reached out or met up with your emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt and/or narcissistic ex, it’s okay.
The only benefit of being in relationships with these kinds of people is that they are very weak minded, short term thinkers.
The majority of how they remember you is going to be comprised of how you are in the present moment.
Because they’re unable to connect, they rarely go back into the past and remember all the details – good or bad (they’ll only conveniently remember every detail of something when it serves them or propels their agenda).
As long as you allow time to pass, more time than you ever have, of remaining in a state in which you’ve never been in (and thus reintroducing your ex to who you truly are), he’ll eventually start to get curious. And no matter how much he tries to pacify that curiosity by resurrecting every detail of his idea of “the old you,” he will always fall short of fully subscribing to it because you’ll be inadvertently holding a mirror up to him at every corner.
This isn’t about mean-spirited retaliation or cheap, short term revenge (which will always result in long term pain & dissatisfaction).
It’s about putting someone (that was consistently inconsistent, dishonest, hurtful & disrespectful), in emotional checkmate while staying on your white horse, remaining nonreactive, LIVING your life and being KIND – to yourself and others – always.
When it comes to what to do after a breakup, here it is:
The launching pad.
Think about this – what if you dumped your ex for whatever reason and your ex, although sad, went completely no contact, accepted your decision and went more MIA than usual on social media for a bit. You’re feeling good and having fun, but you notice that when he gets back on social media, something is different. He doesn’t try to get a rise out of you or do ANYTHING predictable. He becomes the best version of himself (& not in the way that a monkey could do – through filters, nights out, “notice-how-great-I-am-without-you,” captions and smoke & mirrors that your gut can see right through), but in a different way. In a completely “I-don’t-want-or-need-a-reaction-from-you,” under-the-radar, non-bragadocious and mysterious kind of way. Trust me when I say that you’d hate it. It would get under your skin and no matter how happy you were, it would eat away at you because you wouldn’t truly know what’s going on. The predictable transparency that you were banking on isn’t there. Remember – happy people who take care of their own emotional needs are too busy being HAPPY, than to waste their time driving the social media knife in an ex that isn’t worth it. NO ONE wants to breakup with someone and see that their ex not only remained nonreactive, but became BETTER – happier, healthier, hotter, more fearless, resilient, stronger and goal-achievement oriented, etc. – as a RESULT of breaking up with them! NO ONE wants to feel like they were nothing more than a professional launching pad for their ex. USE every ounce of the pain, confusion, anger, embarrassment, resent and heartbreak that you’re feeling right now to LAUNCH yourself into the kind of greatness that’s so great, you wont have to advertise it or tell everyone (like your ex has to do through the Valencia filter), because people will be telling YOU (& your ex) just how great you are. Create something that you’ve always wanted to create; do something that you’ve always wanted to do and never thought possible. For me it was yoga, which propelled me into building the belief in myself that I could create a brand. One of my favorite quotes by Rumi: “act as though everything is rigged in your favor” – even your breakup.
As far as what to do after a breakup, understand that everything you’re feeling and experiencing right now is a direct product of your tolerations. In life, you will always get what you consistently CHOOSE to put up with. Writing a list of what you’re no longer willing to tolerate (from yourself and others) is great, but IMPLEMENTING and ACTING upon that list is what creates that Je Ne Sais Quoi, X-Factor that everyone is attracted to, wants to emulate and wants a piece of, but can’t quite describe or put their finger on. And if you think word travels fast, imagine ENERGY. Translate through your actions what you’re no longer willing to tolerate and believe me, the energetic antennas of f*cktards near and far will go up immediately upon the release of your newly defined signal.
Hit the emotional gym.
Knowing what to do after a breakup is directly related to your emotional fitness. How emotionally fit are you? The day I realized that the power I had over my emotional strength was dependent upon (just like working out), consistent habit (NOT luck), my life changed. Just like insecurity is habitual (you were not born insecure – you ARE insecure today due to years of making a HABIT out of subscribing to the belief that you’re not enough), security is habitual as well. You want to know what to do after a breakup? Choose to see things as they ARE – not as your triggers, low self esteem beliefs and fears attempt to paint them. This is why no contact is discussed so much as a rule to implement after breakups – yes, it’s a great tool for many reasons, but the real benefit is the unbreakable core that it builds within YOU (if you do it for the right reasons). With every second of no contact that goes by, you’re building emotional strength. Having emotional strength isn’t about never feeling triggered, angry, sad, or inadequate (I still feel ALL of those feelings). It’s about no longer having the desire to STAY there and claim those feelings as your emotional home base. Why? because you finally see just how steep the cost is for doing so. If you choose to stay there, you get justification for continuing to connect with your ex (on any level), but the long term COST (stagnation/fear-based paralysis), is far too great. This is how destructive relational patterns are formed and how lives are wasted. Knowing what to do after a break up is definitely dependent on emotional fitness, but if you don’t have an understanding of what it takes to ATTAIN and MAINTAIN that fitness, how will you ever succeed? My entire life was spent trying to get emotionally fit by going to the proverbial gym for one, long and intense day (that generally wore me out after momentary motivation). This is why self-help seminars are so lucrative – they allow the attendees to emotionally workout on an very intense level unlike ever before, but obviously, only for a very concentrated (and long) day(s). This can be very beneficial, ONLY if the practices learned become a daily ritual. I guarantee if you were out of shape, went to the gym and worked out for 9 hours straight, you wouldn’t see any results (or be motivated to go back the next day). However, it’s common knowledge that if you go to the gym every day for an hour and workout, you will eventually lose weight and see results OVER TIME. Stop expecting instant gratification from an intense session and then USE the burnout that you feel to JUSTIFY making more bad decisions.
You are so much more than someone else’s decision. You’re the product of your OWN.
Don’t give people a roadmap to your wounds, triggers and power source by reacting from fear and brokenness.
You’re not alone. You’ve got a whole tribe behind you that loves, believes in, supports, understands and is backing you every step of the way 🙂 xo