Being that it’s St. Patrick’s Day today, I’ve been thinking a lot this week about luck. Especially when it comes to being lucky or unlucky in love.
I used to think that luck was like lightning fused with superstition. You never knew when it was going to hit but when it did, it always hit every undeserving person but you.
Luck was something that I had no control over. It was finding a penny on the ground, seeing a multiple rainbow, getting a warning instead of a speeding ticket, rolling the dice, getting THAT guy to commit, being bffs with THIS girl, throwing the salt over my shoulder after I spilled it, completely guessing my way through the ACT and getting a very high score, etc. (I’m horrible at standardized tests and basically failed the SAT, so I took the ACT which doesn’t penalize for guessing).
Of all the luck I have wished would strike me, there was nothing I ever wanted more than relational luck.
I was very unlucky in love.
Because I believed that luck was such a rare commodity, I did 2 things:
- I got desperate for it.
- I complicated it.
Complication is your enemy. It makes you question yourself and everything you do. You become this insecure, frantic mouse in a maze that was already rigged from the get-go, to be absent of an exit.
Complication is also an emotional defense mechanism that kicks in whenever the fear of having to act takes over. Think about it – if everything is complicated and chaotic, you automatically have a valid license to not take any action despite whatever red and pink flags are right in front of you.
As far as desperation goes – when you think and act from a place of desperation, you just get more unlucky.
In my life today, I feel very lucky. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own problems, insecurities, heartbreak, and triggers. I just no longer feel out of control or at the mercy of having the luck lightening strike me. I feel like I’m my own lightening manufacturer – in my relationships, business, and life. And there is is no greater feeling than knowing you are your own shot caller.
People ask me how I get so lucky. That question used to elicit a lot of shame/guilt, but now I’m so in tune with and dialed into the work that goes into creating my own luck, I no longer feel ashamed or weird about it when asked.
It’s really simple.
So in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to keep it simple and lay out how to turn your unlucky in love streak around in 7 steps. These steps do not just apply to being unlucky in love – you can apply them to your friendships, business, and familial relationships too
Here’s my lucky 7 for how to turn “unlucky in love” around now…
HOW TO TURN “UNLUCKY IN LOVE” AROUND – STEP #1: REDEFINE. Every time that I have felt and labeled myself as unlucky in love, I was really just self-sabotaging.
Being your own self-sabotaging puppet master doesn’t make you unlucky. It makes you an emotional S&M enthusiast. 5o shades of “Please don’t bother. Validate and cater to my fears. I’m not enough.”
HOW TO TURN “UNLUCKY IN LOVE” AROUND – STEP #2: If you say never, you create never.
I have a friend who has been complaining about his weight for years and years. Every time we go to the gym together, it’s the same rhetoric: “I’m never going to lose weight,” “I have baby fat” (at 32 years old), “I’m just big boned.”
He still, to this day, complains about being overweight. This guy is handsome and amazing at any weight. Weight isn’t the issue here, just like not having big enough boobs or whatever wasn’t the issue with my lack of relational luck in the past.
The issue is the emotional weight/obesity we bring to the relational table with us – whether that relationship is with our health, work, family, friendships, business, or romantic relationships.
We come to the table KNOWING that we’re overweight and wearing an emotional outfit 6 sizes too small for us. We then tie our value to meeting someone who not only plays dumb/blind to our emotional love handles but tells us how svelte we look in the little black dress.
Being unhappy in your own unhealthiness and destructive patterns is bad enough. Talking yourself out of your own proactivity is just spitting in the universe’s face.
HOW TO TURN “UNLUCKY IN LOVE” AROUND – STEP #3: IDENTIFY & SIMPLIFY.
If thinking about your relational goals gives you anxiety, you need to simplify. Because I lacked a sense of enoughness, my emotional pacifier was to detail-orient my goals to such an extent, no one was ever good enough. The most inconsequential things would turn me off and red flags would induce ovulation.
Today, I just want 3 things: to be happy, to be around people who contribute to my growth and happiness, and in the most non-reactionary way, cut the anchors that weigh me down from the height of my happiness and peace. Period.
Without identifying and then SIMPLIFYING my goals, I just kept procrastinating. Who the hell wants to electively embark on a contradictory, complicated goal?
Whenever I’ve been really heartbroken, depressed, or down on my relational luck, it was focusing on and implementing these 3 things that ultimately provided the bounce back I never thought was possible. It really is that simple.
HOW TO TURN “UNLUCKY IN LOVE” AROUND – STEP #4: Don’t get close to anyone who brings you down and cut contact with anyone who drains you of your energy. That’s energy that could be used for the right person.
I said this in my no contact post and I’ll say it again:
If I make the decision to cut contact with someone, I never feel bad about it because they handed me the scissors. I no longer base my worth on someone handing me scissors. That’s on them. What am I supposed to do with scissors? Put them in my pocket and risk further injury? Scissors are meant to cut – not to put in your pocket so you have a license to feel sorry for yourself or throw back in an attempt to cause pain. View people’s heartbreaking & disrespectful behavior as the gift that it is and always will be: Scissors to cut yourself OUT of their bullsh*t.
HOW TO TURN “UNLUCKY IN LOVE” AROUND – STEP #5: CONNECT. Never audition.
If you view every date as an audition, there are only 2 outcomes:
- You get rejected after giving your best performance. Since you are auctioning, there is a 99% chance you won’t get the part. With auditions, only one person gets the part – the person who best conforms to the needs and idea that the casting director has of the character.
- You get the part and therefore, have to play the part. You’re now in game-playing, trust-lacking, jealousy-inducing, self-esteem-draining, amateur-hour, relationsh*t territory.
Focus on connecting, never auditioning. When you focus on connecting, you automatically get out of the paranoid, superficially-based mind.
If there isn’t a connection, although it may hurt, you don’t take it personally because you weren’t auditioning to begin with. You were trying to connect with another human. There was no connection.
It’s just like trying to get a cell signal in the middle of a rainforest – you turned your phone on, you tried to connect, and it didn’t work. The fact that it didn’t work has nothing to do with you being a bad customer, there was just no connection. Off to the city.
HOW TO TURN “UNLUCKY IN LOVE” AROUND – STEP #6: Set your own standards and know what you don’t want.
Knowing and having the courage to act on what I don’t want has led me to people, opportunities, situations, circumstances, and relationships that have eclipsed everything I ever thought I had to have.
HOW TO TURN “UNLUCKY IN LOVE” AROUND – STEP #7: What are you leading with?
There is a whole other post I want to write on this but looking back, what really messed up my luck in love was feeling like I had to lead with something.
Whether it was a sob story, looks, knowledge of sports that I didn’t have, outfit, education, sex, a problem, etc. Same pig, different lipstick. These were all just different filters. And just like when you post a photo on Instagram, the goal is to lead with the photo, not the filter. Some people lead with the filters and then become dependent on them to feel like their photo is even post-able.
Bottom line: The key to turning your relational luck around is honesty. Lead with honesty, always.
Being honest with yourself and others sets.you.free.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Thank you all for being a part of this tribe and making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world 🙂