Toxic people – the human form of an inescapable doom cloud that rains daggers.
“Toxic,” is a term that I hear a lot of and also a term that I’ve referred to a lot of people as (unbeknownst to me, I was at the top of my own toxicity list for most of my life). This is not about guys and this is not about dating. This is about identifying the toxicity in your life and flushing it for good. Whether it be in the form of negative self talk, friendsh*ts, relationsh*ts, coworkers, family members, classmates, etc. Toxic people are basically who I’ve referred to in past posts as the “light dimmers” in your life.
Have I now reached such a state of enlightenment and luck that I don’t encounter toxic people anymore? Ha, no. They’re everywhere. I’m even related to a few. Toxic people actually entertain me now more than anything; I genuinely don’t pay much attention any longer. I don’t get fazed, angry or hurt by them. This isn’t because my soul has exited my body, but because I realized what I needed to do to get (& stay) clean from: toxicity and toxic people.
How do you identify toxic people?
WTF is a toxicity cleanse?
& HOW can you disintegrate the effect that toxic people have on you when you have to see them every day?
Identifying Toxic People… Are they toxic? Take the quiz.
- You find that when you’re around this person, you always feel insecure. You’re questioning yourself, your worth and you feel bad about yourself, every.damn.time you see them.
- These people morph into the friend/partner/family member, etc. of the century when you’re down and out.
- They’re a perpetual victim – it’s always everyone else’s fault.
- When you’re happy or when something good happens to you, they react in a distant manner. Almost as if you’ve somehow upset/offended/taken something away from them and they won’t tell you what or why. You then find yourself wondering what you did wrong and eventually, you’re emotionally catering to them.
- When you ask for their opinion, they respond and advise you in a way that elevates them and devalues you.
- They’re very passive in their dimming techniques; their toxicity has a cumulative effect. If you call them out on a single episode of their behavior, they’ll fire back with a “whoa,” and make you feel like an overly sensitive lunatic.
- They ultimately seek to passively damage other relationships of yours through their gossip, instigation, jealousy, divisiveness, etc.
- They’re unable to empathize or connect emotionally. Some are narcissists, all are emotionally available.
- They always have to have center stage. It’s often hard to get in a word with these people and they seem to suck the life and energy out of everyone and everything.
- More often than not, they have a group of minion “yes” people (people pleaser alert), that enable their behavior (you may be one and not even know).
How do you go on a toxicity cleanse?
If you answered “yes” to more than one of the above, the person you’re involved with is toxic and you are toxically constipated and in desperate need of a cleanse. The first step is understanding why toxic people do what they do. For me, once I understand the operation of something, it’s not only easier to adjust my own behavior and expectations, but it’s much easier to accept, not be so affected, and move on.
Toxic people thrive on opposition. They need the opposition like they need oxygen because it gives them a false sense of superiority and shields them from the one thing that they guard and protect with all of their might: the fact that they feel (and are), basic.
Take away their opposition and you’ll find that they’re just a house cat wearing a fake lion’s mane pretending to roar. Opposition is their pacifier.
+ a toxicity cleanse consists of this:
I want you to think for a minute that these toxic people are in wheelchairs and that they can’t walk. If that was indeed the case, I am sure that you would push them if they needed help and be accommodating. Right? right.
Realize that toxic people are in emotional wheelchairs. They are emotionally impaired and you crying over the fact that they won’t emotionally walk is like being upset over the fact that there’s snow on the ski slopes.
Am I saying that you need to be their personal emotional concierge? No. What I am saying is that you need to stop kidding yourself and ACCEPT that they are emotionally impaired and allow that KNOWINGNESS to not only dissolve your expectations, but to put an end to you tying your value to them not being able to emotionally “walk.”
It’s their issue; their sickness. All you can do is recognize, adjust and get a life to live beyond that of changing the diapers of grown adults that have sh*t their emotional pants.
The reason that I had such a hard time with accepting that the toxic people in my life were in an emotional wheelchair was because there were times where I’d actually see them get off that wheelchair and emotionally walk for other people! “I must not be good enough,” I would think. Wrong!
This is why toxic people often have selective emotional impairment (another non-professional term I just made up):
Once I adopted the whole emotional wheelchair thing, the toxic people in my life actually became quite amusing and entertaining to me. It wasn’t as serious and I wasn’t as touchy. Now, people always wonder why the person that’s so over-the-top obnoxious and rude to everyone else is always either ass-kissy nice or just leaves me alone.
It’s because I disallow their opposition tactics from happening. Something as simple as a question that they ask me… even if I know that they know the answer to it or they’re just trying to get under my skin, I answer them instead of giving them the emotional reaction that they’re craving. Guys, this is where your boundaries come into major play.
I successfully interact with toxic people by having the understanding that they are not only juvenile in their mentality, but emotionally inept. This allows me to come from an energetic place of kindness, empathy, compassion and respect (for myself and for their illness), while still remaining “don’t-f*ck-with-me,” firm.
Getting upset and hurt over what toxic people in your life do and say is normal, but when it starts to affect your sense of value and self esteem, you need to remind yourself that it’s as insane as crying over the fact that you can’t have a discussion about 17th century impressionistic art with your 4 year old niece.
We’ve proven to ourselves that we can easily adjust our expectations when there’s a physical signal (such as age, physical impairment, when our loved ones are sick, etc.), so why shouldn’t we be able to do so for the emotionally impaired??
The answer is because we are emotionally impaired, damaged and broken as well. This is why it’s so important to have your own back, heal and love you first.
You can put an end to the toxicity and the toxic people by having your own back, accepting the fact that these toxic people are in a selective emotional wheelchair and remembering this:
Toxic people will always try to make you feel exactly how they feel about themselves.
Once you understand this, not only will you find peace, but you’ll be able to stop tying your worth to them not being able to get out of their emotional wheelchair and skip in the fields with you.
You’ll also be able to better identify your own toxic, self-deprecating beliefs and inner dialogue which will allow you to stop attracting and being attracted to intimate relationships with toxic people.
I’ve never encountered anyone that was as toxic to me as I have been to myself in the past. You have a choice. You can choose to have your back and emotionally disengage from the toxicity by getting your expectations out of fantasy land, or you can choose to cry over the fact that when you put something by the fire, it gets hot.
As one of my favorite authors, Paulo Coelho says: “a mistake made more than once is a decision.” DECIDE to disengage and strive toward peace. You deserve it.