This blog is aesthetically geared toward women but what I write about does not discriminate against age, race, wisdom, gender, socioeconomic status, or sexual orientation. I have been lucky enough to coach and connect with men and women in 24 countries around the world. I’ve worked with supermodels, A-list celebs, public figures, politicians, CEO’s, professors, professional athletes, students, entrepreneurs, musicians, single moms/dads, lawyers, therapists, retirees in their 70’s, teenagers just starting out and the list goes on. What has surprised me the most: NONE of us are immune to selective red flag blindness, pain, f*cktards, and thinking that somehow our “not enough-ness,” is at the root of it all. We ALL Google search the sh*t out of our exes, issues, and fears. We ALL stalk, obsess and feel alone in our pain. We all look for answers. We all look for a way out and we all want to know if it really is just us. I felt alone in my pain and confusion for so long that getting people out of pain, providing answers, and allowing them to see that they were not/are never alone became my obsession. 2 years later, I turned that obsession into a business. No matter what, I think we can all say that we are related to, have been in friendsh*ts with and have dated narcissistic people.

5 things I’ve learned:

  1. Not all emotionally unavailable people are narcissistic but all narcissists are emotionally unavailable.
  2. Like attracts like – who’s going to be attracted to a narcissist other than another narcissist? (this is what I call Reverse Narcissism and I explain it here + in many other posts). You’ve got one person who has blinders on when it comes to anything other than their needs, agenda, and attention-mongering. You’ve then got another person who has blinders on when it comes to anything other than making the behavior of their narcissistic partner all about their perceived lack of value. Either way – no matter how you slice and dice it, you’ve got 2 people making it all about them – both unable to own their own behavior and unable to let the other person own theirs.
  3. The same red flags that you choose to ignore/work harder to try to be the exception to/negate, are the same reasons you’re in relationsh*t territory and that it ultimately fails.
  4. It’s possible to miss someone and know that they’re not good for you. It’s okay to miss a narcissistic ex and know that you can’t get back together with them but miss them anyway. However – if you keep getting hurt by someone, it IS possible to take your heart out of the boxing ring. It IS possible to stop equating being beaten up with pleasure. It IS possible to remove the wool from your eyes and acknowledge that you’re not only getting beat up but that you don’t like getting beat up and deserve to never get beat up again (by yourself or anyone else). It IS possible to partake in the JOY of being and avoid toxic investments. You wouldn’t do it with your money so why do it with your heart? It’s okay to miss the HIGH that the sh*tty investment gave you as long as you stop viewing it as something worth investing in. Bad experiences can have incredible moments. The goal is not to beat yourself up and allow guilt, shame, and blame take over. The goal is to acknowledge your pain in the context of the awareness that you now have of your ex’s emotional and relational ineptness.
  5. Narcissistic exes are the hardest to get over. The highs are unlike anything you’ve ever experienced and the lows, although deal-breakingly awful, are more tolerable and dismissed. You hang onto the memory of the last high as anticipation for the next one builds. Once your relationship is over, narcissistic exes will also claim (whether on social media or however), to be/do/say everything that they withheld and told you they’d never do. They’ll claim to now be everything that they consistently weren’t – honest, connected, responsible, empathetic, and accountable. They will often display their “epiphany” in the most selfish and hurtful of ways.

And when you see all that, how can you NOT think it’s all your fault? How can you NOT think that you really weren’t enough?

Here’s the one thing you need to know about your narcissistic ex:

I used to have to be all in or all out. It was an emotional coping mechanism for me. When it came to narcissistic exes, I had to either vilify/hate them and think they were the scum of the earth or I had to idealize them as I de-pedestaled myself. Neither way ever worked. Indifference did.

The one thing that helped me the most in achieving indifference was realizing this:

Because I was in so much pain, I was trying to convince myself that my ex was an awful person and that he never loved me. This ended up adding salt to an already painful wound.

Just like my own reverse narcissism didn’t make me a terrible person, the narcissistic exes of mine are not bad people.

Not all narcissists are bad people and this post is not about being a good or bad person.

It’s about setting yourself free.

Because I am the girl that goes all in when it comes to love, I also went all in when it came to having to process a breakup in either black or white. I told myself that my heart could not handle any more grey as my mentality spray painted everything around me in 50 shades of it.

The one common denominator with narcissistic exes was something that I felt all along while in the relationship, but could never pinpoint and recognize for what it was – selfishness, emotional unavailability, and empathetic bankruptcy.

Like I said, I used to think for a really long time that a narcissistic ex had to be bad person. These guys were not bad people and I believe that many of them did love me as much as they possibly could.

I finally became indifferent when I accepted that what I was looking for just wasn’t in their emotional range. 

It’s like if you took me to a calculus class at the most prestigious university. It wouldn’t matter if Leo DiCaprio was teaching the class, giving out 24-carat gold pencils and whatever sexual favor you wanted at the door – I wouldn’t take the class.

Not because the university isn’t good enough or the teacher isn’t hot enough or I’m unimpressed by the gold pencils and don’t want to make out with Leo. Something about me: I can’t manually divide (I talk more about it here). I hate math and whenever I’ve tried to learn it, my brain just shuts off. Anything other than 4th grade math isn’t within my range.

There have been so many times in my life where I’ve tried to like, love and learn the proverbial math and every.single.time, I ended up being the sucker that got humiliated and knew better from the get-go.

Whether your ex regrets doing what he/she did to you is a non-issue. The moment you are free is the moment you realize that narcissistic exes are not bad people – they just don’t have it within their emotional range to give you everything that you claim to want and deserve – everything that you are denying yourself or you wouldn’t be attracted to them in the first place. 

Not being able to do math doesn’t make me a bad person – it makes me someone who is unable to do math (and who can admit it). The problem with narcissistic people is that even though they can’t relationally add or subtract, they come to the table claiming to be the #1 ambassador of mathematics; an Ivy League professor (with Tinder profile pictures to back it up).

These aren’t bad people – they are painfully insecure and selfish people who are in serious denial and will never have it within their range to do the math (even though they claim to be mathematicians).

It’s so sad, it’s actually kind of funny. Narcissists are unable to command your respect because they misrepresent themselves left and right. They think that the truth has versions. Indifference sets in the moment you realize that these people are so self-involved, it never had and never will have anything to do with you.

If you met an amazing person online who came across as a marathon runner and then when you met in person, saw that they needed to use a cane to walk, you wouldn’t tie your value to bringing out the marathon runner in them. You would accept that they can’t sprint (let alone walk without a cane). End of story.

Narcissistic exes don’t need to be vilified. They need to be acknowledged as people who cannot relationally sprint.

You know who CAN sprint?

YOU.

SPRINT out of your own reverse narcissism, SPRINT out of the dysfunction, the bullsh*t, and know that no matter how skilled other sprinters may be, no one will ever be able to ignite the sprinter in you more than you.

Love to you all.

– x Natasha

if you need further or more personalized help, please look into working with me here

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128 comments

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Hello Natasha, this is another testimony to indifference, yes. The most powerful place to be…. and I love your analogy about sprinting! You’re so amazing to share this blog. You have made a huge , positive Difference in my journey and that of others. The thing I have also felt is how connected we all are – oneness despite massive diversity in time zones, lifestyles, and ages. I find comfort in this.

Thank you, lovely! Have a beautiful week. Thanks for always being you. Xxxx 🌟

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Love you sister. Thank YOU! x

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Hi Lorelle. You have also been helpful and a light.
I hope you are well. 💕🌸🦄

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Hi sweet Linda,

Just read your comment. Love to you xxx hugs xx thank you xx ❤️🦄🌟

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I love this post so so much. Even moreso now because I am in a good place mentally and it has been a month since things ended with my narcissistic barely there guy. I don’t like to think of him as an ex as we were never exclusive but I suppose it makes it easier to give him that label. This post is so in sync with how I am feeling about the whole situation with him. I can honestly say that I no longer feel anger towards him, I am merely indifferent just like you describe. And that’s because being consumed by anger and sadness doesn’t help me but also because I understand that we both we were not in a good place, but it doesn’t mean that we are both bad people. I think you’re right that things shouldn’t be so black and white – we shouldn’t have to let things get so bad to convince ourselves we hate that person so we can call him an asshole and get over him easily because of that. And we shouldn’t put them on a pedestal either. We need to be indifferent like you said because that brings us more peace and sanity.

I know if I was to bump into my ‘ex’ today that I would feel indifferent and that has made me feel so free. I never thought I would ever get to that point. I know my ex has a lot of emotional baggage to work through and had it not been for that, I am sure he is a good person at heart. I truly do wish him well. By being this way, it sets me free and allows me to move forward.

An amazing and insightful post as always Natasha darling!

Love you
xxx

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Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks so much for taking the time to share Kat, and for your love and support.

Love you too! xx

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Hi Natasha,

I think this is your BEST support piece to date!! It says it all.
Thank you so much.

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YAAAA so happy it helped! I had a blast writing it 🙂 Thanks Gina. xoxo

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When I first discovered your blog back in December last year, one month after being discarded by my narcissist ex, I didn’t think I could hit a lower point. I was wrong. 4 months on, I have been going through what I describe as hell, the worst part being the hope which remains, the hope he will realise and regret. But I was not worth hearing one single word from him, nothing. In this silence, I have suffered immensely and have been dying to reach out to him, to understand how such behaviour could be possible and what I have done to deserve such a treatment. Even though deep inside I knew I would not get any answers from him and maintained my dignity for a while, about three weeks ago after way too many drinks I could not resist the urge anymore and pathetically dialled him. He ignored the call. I just don’t happen to grasp how you can live pretending nothing ever happened when he gave me the most intense emotions I have ever felt in my life. How can you just disappear and never ever look back? What’s the point of being on the white horse when he could not care less even if I did contact him? I am not even an ego boost to my ex, I am nothing. The pain was such that even when coming back to your blog, the words did not sink in anymore and the comment section triggered me as I resented the girls who still had some kind of link to their exes. I feel as though one single call from him, one single message would resurrect me from the desperate stage I am in. As time passes, the fact that he does not miss me in any shape or form becomes clearer and clearer. I never thought he was capable of shutting me down completely. Every day therefore highlights how he moved on while I am completely stuck, rehashing over and over the same destructive circle of thoughts. I am still waiting for him and passively watching myself ruin my life.
Thank you though Natasha, for never failing us.

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Nina,
Wow! I could have written this, in fact there are sentences here that I have written in my journal. The feeling of disbelief that I became “nothing” while he moved on and is so happy now. I too, reached out 3 weeks ago. One text in 6 months, and NO REPLY! And, I work with him! He will give me the faintest of hellos or a wave and he keeps walking. He is engaged now, she gets it all and I get ZERO! To everyone else at work, he is nice.
When it comes to me, he scurries away. For all of this angst, I am now avoided.

I know it is over, but I feel like I wasn’t enough to even be work friends with, not enough to warrant a reply, an email, an apology – NOTHING!
It has damaged by self esteem and I, too am stuck. Stuck more on the disbelief that this “friendship” meant nothing. That there was nothing in me
he even misses or still wants in his life. It is unreal, it truly is.

I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could give you some advice. I guess, someday this will make sense, and you will be glad it didn’t work out with him, really. You will meet a man who is so much better, or you will find so much happiness and strength living your life, and you’ll be free.

At the end of the day, I guess we can be happy we are no longer with men who put on this grand façade only to learn it was all a rouse! How can you trust that? What if they had left and not looked back 3 or 10 years down the road?! If they are selfish and have zero empathy, and felt nothing all along, would we have wanted to waste a lifetime on them, thinking they cared but the truth was deep down they never did?

I had the wool over my eyes for so long. I made his lack of character my fault, I still rehash it all and blame me. My jaw still hits the floor that I am now nothing to him, someone he has to carefully avoid at work, the naïve girl he hopes gets the hint and leaves him alone.

Very painful. I cannot wait to feel indifferent and at peace. I wish the same for you! I hope you can heal and work on you, and someday move on and be so happy that one day when you do see or hear from him, you feel absolutely nothing for him, like the way he made you feel.

xox Christine

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This made me cry – I love seeing this kind of support and connection here. Thank you Christine I could not agree more. xx

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Hi Christine. He cannot look at you because you know the truth about hm. The other girl does not but she will eventually. Boys like that d not have the courage to look deep at thei mistakes that hurt others. I figure they can only bury it for sure long until it all comes up and they have to deal with it. I get it. I feel the same everyday but know that you are not wasting your love and life on someone like that. Be well and you are not alone. 🌸💕

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<3 you are incredible Linda

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Exactly. Great question. “What’s the point of being on the white horse if they could not care less?”
Totally agree.

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Hi Tina! I wish that I had the time to explain it all, but read all of the amazing replies to Nina. This was one of so many that explains what you are asking. The white horse is all about you, not about others:

Hi Nina <3 babe just a reminder that the white horse is for YOU, not to get a certain outcome with this guy. It's for YOU to stop abandoning yourself and to get out of reverse narcissism. This guy's inability to reach back out and connect with you isn't about you; it truly never was. You are already worthy!! Instead of thinking of it as "why was I not good enough for him to reach out to me and say sorry and miss me", think of it as "how was he/that relationship ever good enough for me to invest in emotionally the way I did?" Once you start choosing yourself consistently, you'll see that YOU were the one who was out of his league when it comes to emotional connectivity etc. you got this xoxoxo

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It gets better Nina I promise 😘🤗as Natasha says turn inwards and stay on that white horse xxxxx god bless you

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<3 love seeing this love

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Nina.

I understand what you are going through. I have the same thoughts five months after my breakup. I keep waiting for that phone call or text to give me the validation I need and for him to admit he loves me, misses me and regrets letting me go. But it doesn’t happen and I need to accept that it won’t. And that kills me because I feel like I deserve it. I didn’t get ghosted, I got closure but not validation. Regardless of closure I feel like I was wiped off the face of his earth and I’ve thought what’s the point of my dignity when he needs to be told what a f*cktard he is?? So I did it and it was not worth it because I’m still discarded, dismisses and forgotten. He has moved on and I’m stuck ruminating like you. I don’t have magic words to make it better but I have hope from the other women here and of course Natasha that it will get better. Xo sister.

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I am in tears. M – you are incredible and Nina, it WILL get better. We are all here for and with you. XOXO

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I love seeing this support and love here. Makes my heart smile.

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You may or may not be ready to hear this but tape this to your bathroom mirror:

The choices and actions that people engage in (and yes that includes your ex) has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with them!

Read that again and again until you absorb it.

I get it. I have been there and sat through the darkest parts of agonizing over the withdrawal of missing my ex. I succumbed and re-engaged with him and trust me, the instant gratification high was so not worth how far it set me back. No matter how hard it is you have to keep inching forward on your white horse. Think about it like you are watching a movie and the you are the heroine on the screen. You would be cheering that character on and telling her to KEEP GOING and to not give in to the TEMPORARY tidal waves of insecurity and doubt.

As far as your ex is concerned just remember that his ability to seemingly-so-easily cast you aside is less a reflection on you and more a representation of how emotionally detached he is which not only speaks to his ability (read inability) to genuinely connect with others but also speaks volumes to his relationship with himself. YOU will move on and come out of this experience a confident bad-ass while he will continue being the same emotionally unavailable guy that ultimately allowed you to dodge a nuclear-sized bullet.

You may not see it or feel it now but trust me, this experience (no matter how unbearable or painful it may feel now) is setting you up to become the most unfuckwithable and badass version of yourself. You just need to stick it out and maintain perspective during those moments when you miss him or equate his emotional detachedness to your sense of self worth. In time you will realize that not only him cutting you out has shown his true colours but he has ultimately done you a favour by you not having to deal with his b.s so you can flush him out of your life and charge forward.

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I love this! Thank you ~

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Agreed!

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I can’t thank all of you enough for your heart-warming messages, for taking the time to write to me. Christine, I can’t even fathom the emotional torture it must be to see him every day at work. You are so brave, I have no doubt you will get through this.
Last night was unbearable. My heart dropped after a few discoveries on social media. He is still seeing her, when I speculated he was just flirting around, their relationship does seem pretty solid. Even though I should not be surprised at this stage and you would think that after all this time I would have grown a bit tougher, I am still as affected as day one of the heartbreak. It has actually gone worse, I was delusional all these months, in complete denial waiting for his return and my brain only seems to start processing the reality of the situation now (but does it really?). I have been crying myself to sleep every single night, unable to eat and to even consider the idea of someone else while he was having the time of his life with her. I understand why he ignored my call weeks ago, of course he was too busy with her. If he has cut me out for the sake of this girl, how can I think of him as a bad guy? When does this end? How can you make sense of something so painful, so heart wrenching? I feel stupid I reached out to him, (the price to pay when you fall off the white horse, I was warned), I feel humiliated that I even thought there was a possibility he would miss me when everything is so obvious and I’m refusing to see it. Why couldn’t I hear him when he said “this girl makes me realise how worthless you are”? I hate myself for holding on to this when there’s absolutely nothing to hold on to, it’s not as if he was giving me any sort of hope, I am doing this to myself.

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Nina,
Ummm… whoa. Wait. I was reading your reply feeling badly about your discoveries until I read the last few lines.
Did he actually say this to you “this girl makes me realise how worthless you are”? or is this just your thoughts?
If this guy actually SPOKE these words to you when he broke up with you…… I really don’t even know what to say!!!
I have to know this answer before I continue giving any advice…………….

Okay let me put this in context, even though I believe it will be even more confusing. The “official” breakup occurred back in May last year, out of the blue as the week before he was talking about moving in with me. We got back in touch around September after months of no contact, I called him as usual after heavily drinking, I was so drunk that night I do not recall anything I said on the phone but he did pick up. The next day he sent me this beautiful text which made me feel alive “I want you again you’re the girl I can never forget I need you” etc. I had been waiting for this for so long, I am sure you understand and I was then convinced we were going to be reunited. I was still distraught though after what he had put me through so I decided to take my time and did not answer straight away. Two days later I received “I was high when you called me, it made me remember all our good moments but I am seeing someone and it’s not fair on her so don’t contact me again”. Brutal. I fell down the cloud. Of course it made me want him even more and we started talking for a bit, he called me to say this girl was actually just a friend and asked to see me. I refused, I did not want to relapse and was not that dumb (hmmm was I?). He got angry and said these words. Nothing makes sense I know. And I actually accepted his invitation days later can you imagine? We were back together for two weeks then the final discard and he goes back to the girl the next day. Never heard from him after that. Yes I do I realise how pathetic the situation is when writing these words. The mixed signals, the contradictions, the unpredictability.

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You already know how much I love you.

Thank you so much for this. Seeing this kind of love and support on here is all I’ve ever dreamed of. Miss and love you. x

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Natasha,
Your wisdom and encouragement and your ability to write and share with us have helped beyond words.
You are a beautiful person in every sense of the word. Truly.

Nina,
No shame. We all have circular stories, moments of “I can’t believe I was so desperate to do that”. But when you’re caught in it,
and not outside looking in, it is harder to get your bearings. Your ex clearly does not know what, or who, he wants. I get the sense
he is in all of it for himself. And I have to wonder if it is him you actually miss, or are you just upset because you didn’t get the “win”.
You’re looking to gain validation about your self worth from a guy who can’t even validate his own story or agenda. He probably never
looked back because he in incapable of actually having a mature conversation and acknowledging how he treats people, it is easier
to walk away and not look in the rear view mirror because then he would have to face himself and his actions. He has likely done this before,
the girl before you probably saw your posts and thought “what is wrong with me that he discarded me like trash and is now so happy with her?” This is likely his MO. Really look at who he is, not just those moments at the top of the roller coaster when he validated you and made you feel on top of the world.
You may not see it now because you are in pain, questioning your worth because you see yourself thru his eyes only. But the truth is YOU ALREADY WON! This was a blessing in disguise, and the Universe has a way of unfolding this over time. Work on you, take care of you, and in time you will realize you are the one that was blessed with this lucky escape!

Thank you so much for this Christine 🙂 XOXO

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Hi Nina <3 babe just a reminder that the white horse is for YOU, not to get a certain outcome with this guy. It's for YOU to stop abandoning yourself and to get out of reverse narcissism. This guy's inability to reach back out and connect with you isn't about you; it truly never was. You are already worthy!! Instead of thinking of it as "why was I not good enough for him to reach out to me and say sorry and miss me", think of it as "how was he/that relationship ever good enough for me to invest in emotionally the way I did?" Once you start choosing yourself consistently, you'll see that YOU were the one who was out of his league when it comes to emotional connectivity etc. you got this xoxoxo

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YES YES YES! 🙂 LOVE this and you. Thanks so much! xx

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Hi Nina,

Thank you so much for not only sharing, but for your love and connection to my own pain and experiences. You are not alone. I’m so happy to see how much support and love you have received here. The whole point of staying on the white horse is for YOU – no one else. Wish that I had the time to write more because I have so much more to say. Thank you for your understanding, support and for just being the light that you are. All my love to you sister. x

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Hi Nina,

I get it.and there are no words that can fully articulate the pain and heartbreak you are going through right now. I also relate to how getting your heart broken again-and-again can leave you feeling so triggered that you keep going back for more. I’m sure I can safely speak for, pretty much, everyone else weighing in here that WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.

My hope for you is that the moment will come where you realize unequivocally that it is time to fold. That this guy (who, I’m sorry to say, sounds like a total douchebag) is so, so, so not worth it the amount of energy you are expending into him. You don’t deserve to have such a toxic presence in your life and you need to realize that you are SO MUCH BETTER AND WORTH MORE than how this one, measly individual has allowed you to feel and that the pain of keeping him around and going back to him is greater than the freedom of striking out on your own on your white horse.

You gotta’ remember that you just need to commit to staying away from him. Folding emotionally and cutting him off (hell that may even mean keeping off social media for a bit – whatever it is that accelerates your healing). All you gotta’ do is just light the match and with time, care and an awareness of your own best interests it will turn into aa fire that will have you roaring as the bad-ass that you are meant to become.

I know it hurts right now but I remember the early days when I was going through it and, looking back, I see nowthat it marked the beginning of an incredible journey of growth, personal evolution and finding my way back to a stronger version of myself.

I promise the same will happen for you. You just gotta’ let it.

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Love this and you. XOXO

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Love this and you. XOXO

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Hello Nina. I knew we have never met but my experience has been so much like yours. I too feel the exact same way. Someone told me though that the things we are thinking about our exes are not always true. It is our imagination and that we have no proof . I still think that he has moved on after he threw me away. I too have thought I was not god enough for him. I’m just a hard working girl who put herself through college and here I am. He is a lawyer with a good job on the East coast. I’m in California so he used that as an excuse to get out. It was ok to start it but not finish it. So is life is big and grand and rich. Mine is small and very challenging. I feel bad and small but really maybe it’s not so great on his side.
He avoids just like your guy. You and I just need to stay focused on our world. Easier said than done I know! I’m not happy and I’m m lonely and really st gutless but at least I’m not playing with people’s emotions. You are. It either. You keep going and build your own house as Natasha suggests. He will never be good enough or man enough to come to that
house you build because the strength courage and maturity it will require he and many others don’t have. I’m sure you have your own gifts and are amazing. You embrace that. It’s ok to feel bad but just stay moving. I fall often but he does
not know. I’m trying to build my house and I know someday it will be in tact. Stay strong and do not be critical of yourself. You are way too much woman for him ! 🦄💕🌸

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I absolutely adore your blog Natasha. I also was aware of his narcissistic behavior but stayed because we/he had made so many travel plans for us/him. He got me with that future plans angle and boy did I bite into it. I even paid for half of all of them thinking he would respect me more, hah!! I got my walking papers from him almost 3 weeks ago after a year and a half together nonstop. Although it began subtly with he needed some time, it quickly elevated to complete ghosting. I have decided to take more of your wonderfully sage advice and accept my roll in the F’d up relationship. It’s not going to be easy but, who is worth all the work more than I?! While reading posts from your readers, I connected with one in particular and felt as though she and I were actually the same person and became compelled to share a bit of mine too. I am in the process of cleaning the carnage of the trips that will not be, however, one which I paid entirely on cc and he wrote me a check for half worked out well. I will be taking a solo cruise later this year. Although, it seems quite scary to go alone, I am sure it’s exactly what I need to do! It doesn’t hurt that he miscalculated that angle. I feel very fortunate that I found your Blog and your readers. Girls gotta go for it!! 💖

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Thanks K.M! 🙂 I absolutely adore YOU! Thanks for being a part of this tribe. Sending you so much love. xoxo

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Amen. It has been just over 4 months since my blindside end to a 5 year beautiful and always compromising relationship w my emotionally unavailable maybe narcisstic ex. I have been fighting the N label for several reasons. Namely because so many people admire and genuinely like/love this guy so he can’t be a bad person. It had to be ME! Rather than facing his lack of’’s, I continue to magnify my shortcomings which isn’t helping me AT ALL! But it has been so destructive knowing I’m a good, kind loving person. How could he possibly do this? How do you blindside the one you love? How? Exactly what this post said. I had my blinders on. Didn’t want to see it. Was willing to accept that he couldn’t do the math (science or English either btw) because he was an amazing artist. Although I am lonely as F, I am realizing every single day the damage this lovely narcissistic ex did to me. There I said it. He is lovely. And a narcissist. And I deserve so much better than that. And now she has him. His next victim. Going for a sprint.
Nina….I feel your pain. I too play with hope and try to squash it every day. This is not someone we want to return in our lives. I also hope he will reach out but at the same time, am thankful he doesn’t.
Natasha…..you are brilliant.
Sonja

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Miss you everyday! Thank you for your love, wisdom, and for sharing your experiences here Sonja. Love you sister. XX

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Natasha,

I love this post! It came on a day when I needed to hear this. Thank you, you rock!

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Right back at you sister. Happy it served you 🙂 xoxo

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Ahh Natasha!!!!! Out of the place of brokenness, perspective rises. I love watching the growth off your wisdom. You are precious- your insite is appreciated and you are most mindful in your sharing.
Keep on teaching and sharing the love. ❤️

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This made me tear up. Thank you DonnaK. I am so grateful for your love, support and sisterhood. I promise to never stop. XOXO

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Natasha, you are kicking it out of the park! Beautifully put, carefully drawn, awesomely analyzed and so well said. I think your gift is phenomenal. Most people must just sing when they see one of your posts coming as you help others where others have not been able to help them. Keep up the good work!xoxo

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There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of and miss you. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Would love to talk soon. x

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Thanks Natasha 😘 another thought provoking brilliant read …. have an amazing week xxxxx

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Thank YOU Jules 🙂 You too beautiful! xx

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“Take your heart if the boxing ring” – that’s exactly what it feels like it huts like hell! It’s taken me so long to get over my narcissistic ex who would always reach out to see if I would see him, he didn’t care about anything but see me once to keep it going and I felt like I could only breathe when I’d see him and talk to him then he’d hurt me again.. i don’t understand why some of you ladies complain about that it. I wish he’d do that (I blocked him now) but he’d always reach out, this time he did on valentines, it’s confusing to not let your minds and emotions wander for a bit and think maybe he did have feelings all along but was scared.. and other bs I told myself. I just want to move on now and fall in love but it’s so difficult and it’s just not happening. Every time I try and meet someone after a couple of weeks I end it because there’s always something but it’s mostly me being cautious. Thank you Natasha for putting it into words what I feel in my soul! 💗

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Daniella! You comments, support and love mean SO much to me. Thank you! Happy that the post helped. Love you sister. xx

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I struggled with indifference for the longest time after my break up. Even today nearly 1 year post break up I still have days where achieving indifference can be a bit taxing. It is so difficult to become indifferent towards someone whom you built your future around because it means having to let go. My ex and I were together for 3.5 years and the night he confessed to sleeping with someone else and dumped me I was in shock for a good week. It has been a long and painful journey going through the breakup and reconnecting with myself. I have lost count how many nights I cried myself to sleep, all the self destructive things I engaged in to try and erase him out of my mind and heart (never worked), the hours I clocked rehashing and obsessing about him and the breakup and the near-crippling anxiety and insecurity I felt with having to adjust to being single and feeling like I will never love like that again.

Today I am at peace. Do I still think about him, yes but the emotional charge is gone. Do I rehash things in my mind, sometimes but I’m much better at shutting it off. Do I miss him and yearn for him, nowhere near as frequently as I used to. Overall, after one year post-breakup from the guy that I thought was The One, I’m at about 90% of having moved on.

How did I get there? A few things:

1 – Time and space. Never underestimate the importance of these two factors which are great antidotes to any conflict situation.

2 – The ultimate realization that the choices and actions people engage in have NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with them. Yes my ex slept with another guy and yes he dumped me a few nights later when he told me what he did and i wouldn’t accept his lukewarm apology and rejected his attempts at sex the same night. For the longest time i was convinced that the way he treated me was reflective of my worth when in reality, it spoke VOLUMES about him and had very little to do with me. So why the hell was i taking it so personally that he was unfaithful. Now I see that he did me a favour.

3 – the fact that I couldn’t let him go spoke loudly about my relationship with myself. I was like a lost little puppy and had no clue how to navigate my life and time without the knowingness that he was there. I wallowed in this no-mans-land sense of unknowingness for some time but eventually started to check off my list of things i always wanted to do. I wanted to travel solo, BOOM booked myself a trip to Puerto Vallarta. I wanted to learn how to dance, BAM signed up for hip-hop dance classes. I wanted to get in shape, POW I dedicated my time to weightlifting and hot yoga. I wanted to perform onstage again, KABLAM I started taking voice lessons. As time went on I got busy and one morning as I was heading out the door I realized that I really liked the person that I was becoming and I was in the midst of an exciting, happy and fulfilling life.

Now when I think back to my ex, I don’t hate or villainize him (although I still have my days). I just get that we weren’t right for each other and I am looking for/need different things than what he can offer (i.e – his emotional range is incompatible with mine). But because I’m so enriched from my own life and just doing me I don’t need to drag myself down in rehashing the past and the best part about it is that because my life is so good now, I just don’t have the time 🙂

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YES. AGREED! So proud of and happy for you.

Thank you so much for this. XOXO

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This post was great! I especially like the math metaphor. I fell off my white horse for reasons, excuses more like. I reached out to him for help during a really difficult time, and he was more than happy to oblige and try to add me to his harem again. He is a “Nice Guy,” and ready to put me in rotation with all the other “friends.” Luckily, i came to my senses and finally feel done. Nothing to mourn, i am just glad to not want him anymore and to finally feel like there is no chance of him changing, no chance for us to have anything real, and i have finally LET GO. I cannot say i am indifferent quite yet, but its close! I don’t recommend falling of the white horse, but in my case, it put to rest any of those nagging doubts of – well, maybe he grew…. Even if he did, i am not interested anymore. It was a cool moment of validation when i was sitting on his couch and all i thought was – i can do so much better, he is not really anything special at all. I just wanted to leave and i haven’t talked to him since.

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So proud of you Lori and happy that the post helped 🙂 Love you. Thank you for sharing – your comments mean more to me than my words could ever express. xox

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I REALLY needed this today. Even if i am old i an going through the same thing. It basically destroys me. His refusal to see me for months then comes back only to tell me i can have an hour per month. But no calls no sms and this after 6years of intensity. Lately it got to the point I refuse any touch and also try not to contact him at all. I call it he is playing mental games which is the worst form of abuse. I came to the conclusion the whole 6years was wasted and lies. Yet I still find it hard to just move on. The crumbs he dishes out once in a while when HE wants to hurts so much. One cannot talk to these men. So posts like this I read over and over to help me to gain strength to finally walk away.

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Thanks Jenna! I’m so happy that the posts are helping 🙂 You are not alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. XOX

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I’ve just read through the comments here, and boy…do I empathise and relate to all of you! Unlike most of you though, my relationsh*t with my EX only lasted a couple of months; a mere fetus in relationship time here! But what has made it difficult for me to let go and move on, is that he truly seemed like the nicest, kindest, “wouldn’t hurt a fly” guy. To this day, I still don’t know what to believe…but what I do know, is that there’s nothing normal about telling the girl you’re with that you want to marry her, to then unceremoniously dump her a week later. I’ve spent far too long accepting the blame for what happened, and I’m tired of it. Was it my fault he dumped me over text after telling me days earlier he would “never leave me”? Is it my fault he promised he would never cut me out of his life to then be ghosted by him the next day? Is it my fault he disappeared without so much as an explanation, or an apology for his future faking and lies? No, no and no. As most of you have already explained above, and what Natasha reminds us everyday, is that the choices these men make really have NOTHING to do with us. Their decision to leave and cut us off like this is not a reflection on our worth or how much we meant or didn’t mean to them..but rather a reflection on their own self worth and security they have within themselves. As time has gone on (it’s been about 6 months), I have progressively come to accept this truth; that I didn’t cause this breakup, that I didn’t deserve what he did and that I’m worthy of more than the mess he left behind..and yes, he may be the nicest, kindest, sweetest guy to everyone else…but what really matters is how he chose to walk (or this case, run) away. Behind the niceties and “good guy” persona, is a person who never took responsibility for his hurtful actions and who thinks this kind of behaviour was, and still is, okay.. And as for the girl he’s with now? She’s sadly, unbeknownst to her, dating this same version of him – the one who may turn around one day and press the reset button on her too! I know it may be hard to see this now…but we really are better off being on this side of the break up. We may not have been the “exception to his rule” in the end, but do we really want to be the “exception” to someone who is capable of causing such a sh*t storm in someone elses life?

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YES YES YES. Thank you SO MUCH for this Deborah 🙂 Sending you big love and hugs. xx

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Deb,
Exactly! Same boat. I’ve racked my brain trying to determine if this guy is “a nice guy who only treated me horribly” since he literally is
loved and adored by everyone at work, or if he just puts on the mask and no one else sees it. But does it even matter? He treated me
pretty awful. A work friend of a year who led me on only to use me, discard me, get engaged 3 WEEKS after a ‘romantic’ encounter that
I thought was the beginning of something and not the end. And now, 6 months after telling me “you were just fun for me” has the nerve
to avoid me, even parking his car at a different entrance. I can’t make this up!
I’ve spent 6 months feeling like crap, ground hog daying this scenario over and over while at work. It is only now I’m accepting this
and feel a sense of ” I see the light at the end of this tunnel.” It takes a pretty selfish and cowardly man to treat women like this.
If I dish advice, I also have to take it. And I know someday I will realize I won by losing him! You won, too by not being with him for
one more day. Sending strength your way! xox

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Wow. NEEDED THIS. Thank you Deb!

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Thank you, Natasha. I cant express enough the joy I get when a new blog is posted. I have come along way in this journey and I think a lot ha to do with you and your words. God defiantly gave you a gift <3

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Hello Natasha,
Reading your blog has been life changing. Your posts are extremely relatable and oddly comforting.
I realize that most women who read this blog have been hurt by narcissists.
However, I was the narcissist.
Not all my life, off course.
I went from being a people pleaser/giver/”please like me, please, please”…..what you would term a reverse narcissist…to being an actual narcissist. Or, at least behaving like one by playing hard to get with a guy. I have never done this before. However, after getting hurt so many times by putting myself out there and being authentic, I decided to take a different approach this time around by witholding attention (purposely), pretending not to care (when I really, really did), and playing mind games. I wanted to be in control of my love life this time around. It felt good to be the one who cared less (or, at least appeared to)….the one who was being chased, as opposed to the one who always did the chasing. It felt empowering. I was taking out all my pain and anger (that I had from guys in my past) on this poor guy who had actually never done anything bad to me. I justified my actions by telling myself that I was simply protecting my heart by not showing any sign of weakness, establishing boundaries, not throwing myself at him….instead sitting back and letting him come to me and thereby maintaining my dignity.

However, in reality none of it was justifiable.
All those actions stemmed from fear. Fear of getting hurt again. My big fat ego couldn’t handle another rejection. Every time I had been myself, I had been rejected or taken advantage of.
So, I figured guys don’t like me when I am myself….they don’t like nice/giving/desperate girls, they like bitches who are hard to get.
So, let me be that.
At heart I was still me…..but on the surface I held back and controlled my emotions. I did not want him to know how much I truly wanted him. I didn’t want to be the creepy, desperate, needy party. For once in my life, I wanted to be the unattainable, cool one. I was hell bent on not getting hurt again…..I didn’t really care if I was hurting him in the process.
All my attempts at control just gave me momentary satisfaction.
After chasing me for a while (we were in one of those “almost relationships”). He cut me off. Which was the right thing for him to do, because I had become a toxic person. A taker, who added no value to his life…….who never met him half way. I think he finally realized I was up to no good and decided he wanted nothing to do with me.
I also think, he thought that I simply wasn’t interested enough (because I spent all time faking disinterest)……so, he finally gave up.

All that I had done was to avoid rejection…..and here am rejected. The end result is the same. Ironically, all those times I threw myself at people and gave it my all….behaved in ways that made me cringe for years…….I have no regrets. I don’t even think about those guys, because I gave it my all and I was myself…..therefore, there is nothing to think about.
However, with this guy I pretended to be someone I was not, I wore a mask, I played hard to get……this experience I will always regret. Because, what would have happened if I had just been me?

Now he is with someone else.
I feel ashamed for treating him the way others have treated me. I want to apologize for my behavior. But, at the same time I don’t think it’s right to bother him, when there is another woman in the picture. If I was with a guy, I wouldn’t want another girl from his past to butt back into his life….even if it was to apologize.
I am happy for him though. I am glad that he didn’t let one bad experience stop him from practicing his ability to love. He didn’t become jaded or bitter like me. He reminds me of myself…..me, before I turned into a cold-hearted/taking, taking bitch.
One day I want to apologize…..after I work on myself. Because, I want him to know that my behavior had nothing to do with him….and everything to do with my own insecurities. But, he cut me off. So, I am afraid of seeing the disgust on his face if I were to approach him, even if it were to apologize. Also, I still I have feelings for him (I never stopped having feelings for him…..I was just pretending not to)……so, wouldn’t apologizing right now would mean that I am apologizing with an agenda?

Thank you for recommending The Four Agreements. Your blog is a god-send!

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I loved reading this insight into “the other side”. Thank you for sharing!

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Ditto!

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Hi Anna!

Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 I wish that I had the time to respond in the kind of depth that I would like to. I have done this too. You have empathy, connectivity, and awareness that will not only take you far, but that separates you from a traditional narcissist.

If you haven’t yet read it, check out this post that I recently wrote on apologizing:

https://postmalesyndrome.com/how-to-apologize-what-to-do-with-an-apology-from-an-ex/

Hope it helps! All my love to you soul sister. Thank you for being a part of this tribe!

Also – so glad that you like The Four Agreements 🙂 xx

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I am so happy you replied! It really touches my soul that you take the time to read your reader’s comments and respond. You went far more into depth than I expected.

I read you apology blog post and went to apologize and confess that I had in fact truly liked him.
Turns, out that girlfriend was his girlfriend all ALONG (of 3 years).
In other words, I thought I had been holding back and playing mind games….however, actually he had a girlfriend the entire time.

Mind BLOWN!
Normally, I would have gotten pissed off and judged him…and gone back further into my protective shell, vowing never to trust any other man ever again.
However after reading the Four Agreements (and, The Mastery of Love also by the same author) upon your recommendation….I have no judgment or hate left for anyone.

We are all human. Maybe he was bored in his relationship and wanted to see if he still had it. Or, maybe I simply misread his signals.

Whatever.
All I regret now is that I beat myself up myself over hurting someone….(or thinking I had hurt someone)….who actually had a girlfriend the entire time. Ahh….the months I wasted crying over a mistake that I hadn’t actually committed. Or, I had….but, on a man who wasn’t even truly interested in me to begin with.

Time I will never get back.
Anyway. Doesn’t matter what type of man he was.
I know what type of human being I aspire to be.

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Love that last line, Anna. Will remember that for myself. Almost done with The Four Agreements and couldn’t agree more – it’s amazing!

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I am so proud of and happy for you Anna 🙂 Be kind to yourself, have your own back, and just know that you are never alone. xoxo

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Natasha, this post could not be more relevant to my current situation. I recently ended two relationsh*ts: one with a man who was emotionally unavailable and not a narcissist, and the other 100% narcissistic.

First, I want to sincerely thank you for caring enough about others to help them heal. I’m so grateful that you’ve allowed your past pain/hurt to be turned into lessons that you would share with your readers here on PMS. I began (routinely) reading your blog last July, and I cannot tell you much my life has transformed. Not only in my relationships, but my personal and professional life as well. You’re a real light, and much appreciated.

Back to the post, I agree with you about not all narcissists being bad people… and thank you x 1,000 for saying that it’s okay to miss these relationships. How many times I’ve tried “demonize” the person I once claimed to love, only to become bitter. It feels better (really good, actually) knowing that I can 1)miss that person and 2) accept that they do not have the capacity to love me on a level to which I am now committed to loving myself.

From one soul sister to another,
xoxox Danielle

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Ray,

I am in tears. Thank you thank you for taking the time to share. Your love, support and sisterhood mean the world to me. I’m so happy and honored to have helped. Sending big love you way 🙂 XOXO

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I needed to read this today more than ever. My narcissistic ex and I broke up two years ago and we’ve been popping back into each others lives on and off ever since. We let ourselves relive the high we give each other even though I know very well that it will only end in reliving the heartbreak. It’s a typical situation of him wanting me when he cant have me. He tells me he still loves me, misses me, wishes we could work out, etc. all while having a long distance relationship with someone else. A relationship that was developed online and he has only seen this person twice in real life.. Even though I know I need to stay away, hearing those words from him still makes me melt because he’s still on my mind too.

Well today I find out that he is getting engaged. He tells me this after explaining to me that he wanted to have a final goodbye with me, but he is so torn because he misses me so much but yet, he knows he cant be the one for me. Of course I became very angry and disgusted that this person could be so cruel to my heart. I told him to let me go and not contact me again. I’m really trying to be strong but the truth is it really, really hurts. Why wasn’t I enough to fight for? How can he be ready to marry someone else but he was never ready to be the man I needed? The man he knew I deserved? Has he really made these great changes in his life for someone else but he never could for me?

I am so disappointed in myself that I’ve continued to play this game. I know it’s my fault I’m in this pain today. But I promise I will not let it keep me down. I hate the thought of him beginning a life I dreamed of with him, with someone else. But I know in my heart, I just dodged another bullet. I know the day will come when I see how better off I am because I don’t believe someone like this could ever change. The ache in my heart that is telling me I wasn’t enough or that she is better than me will soon be fixed. I hope. Reading this article and the comments have given me the light I need today. I am so happy to see people care and be there for each other.

Natasha- Thank you for your advice. Every time I fall, it gives me the strength to get back up.

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And the worst part about this is I have absolutely no one to talk about this with. I am too ashamed to tell any of my friends or family that I’ve still had contact with him over the last two years. Even if no one responds to this, it still feels so good to let it all out!

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Hi May,

You’re absolutely right – you WILL see how better off you are without someone like this in your life. I know it’s hard for us to not give into the “I’m not enough” trigger and run straight to crazy town with it but don’t. Don’t buy into that lie. There is nothing but more pain down that dead end path. And it’s a pain that’s self-inflicted. Which in a way is actually good news — because that means you have control over what you choose tell yourself. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like you have control but you DO. Even if your ex does magically transform into a prince (which, just based on what you’ve written seems extremely unlikely), the way he treated you STILL matters. Even IF he treats this next girl better, NONE of it invalidates the way you were treated. Let him own how he treated you. YOU matter. You are enough. I think it’s great that you’re owning your part in all of this but please don’t beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. Accept your mistakes, connect with your pain, honor all your feelings but forgive yourself so you can move on from this wiser, more resilient, kinder, and even MORE open to love.

Hugs,
Amy

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Can’t wait to take you to dinner and thank you in person for sharing that beautiful light of yours with us all 🙂 Love you Amy – THANK YOU. xoxo

🍗🍕🍝🍣🍦🍰🍭🍩🍪🍽😋

Oh, and I LOVE YOU 🤗

Love you more 🙂 xx

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Amy,

Thank you so much for your response. I wish I could give you a hug for how much your words have just helped me feel a little closer to peace. Now that I’ve had the news of his soon to be engagement sit with me for a few days, I see that a part of me is relieved. This might be the closure I’ve needed to FINALLY stay away and restart my life after this.

Thank you!!!

That makes me so happy hear! Yes, yes, yes – hanging onto our inner peace is so important! I think inner peace is one of our most prized possessions that we all too often give away so easily (I’m definitely guilty of this!), completely forgetting it’s in our power to dictate how WE want to feel about ourselves and others. If you haven’t read Natasha’s post on forgiveness, I’d highly recommend it. It’s helped me make the simple realization that acceptance is key to peace because reaching the magical land of indifference is the aim. And indifference does not happen without forgiveness, and forgiveness is ALL about acceptance.

And THAT is how you create REAL closure for yourself – better than anything anyone else could EVER provide you.

Much ❤️ to you May! xo

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Any advice on staying off of his social media? I feel like I am trying so hard but then something triggers me and I go running to check if the engagement has happened yet. I have him and his girlfriend blocked on everything but I still find a loop hole to check in. I become so dissapointed and angry at myself for checking. I want to be stronger than this and encourage myself to be indifferent. I know it doesn’t matter and seeing that the engagement happened will only hurt me but I cant seem to fight the triggers after a few days. I literally feel like a crazy addict. I tell myself to forgive or to imagine the wet bikini situation when I see her posts but yet I still get the ache in my chest.

What got everyone else through?

Thanks

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May,
He is getting engaged to a woman he has seen twice in real life? C’mon. Reread this sentence. He is so ridiculous and immature.
He has not changed a single bit. When the going gets tough in that “marriage” you think she will fare any better?
Work on you. Know it is not all your loss. I think the best thing you can do is go NO CONTACT while you heal.
Someday you will be strong and happy, it takes time. xox

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Thanks for this Christine! xo

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Thank you Christine! You’re absolutely right, he is ridiculous and I’ve let this mess we’re in control my life for far too long. I know the no contact be very hard, but I need to take my control back.. When the urges to contact come in, I will look back to these responses to keep me strong.

Thank you so much!!

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You have everyone here who supports you and who gets it 🙂 Let it all out anytime. That’s what the comments section is for! XO

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Thank you so much for sharing May. I wish that I had the time to respond in depth because I have so much to say. Bottom line: It sounds like you definitely dodged a bullet. You are loved, understood, backed, believed in, empathized with, and never, EVER alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you soul sister. xxxx

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Thank you, Natasha! I wish I could hear everything you have to say. Your posts help me so much. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I will find strength through this!

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Hello Natasha and all you great women of the tribe. I was crying when I read all the comments because I have gone through every single emotional high and low described and still am. After 7 months I can confess I still wake up and go to sleep praying he will reach out. Makes no sense I want to hear from the person who leveled me to a dark place I never knew existed.

I get the part about being discarded. We were in each other’s lives for thirty years as friends. I realize though that I must have been the friend. I was a girl waiting in the wings to him maybe. He swept me off my feet and then dropped me and to this day we have not spoken at all. I received a birthday card after our break up but I guess that was for him.not me. It was his way of really throwing whatever was lfft away or making himself feel like he did something great. Who knows. Natasha is correct though. That is about him not me. I am sure he is in with his life and gives no thought to me ever. Why’s should he?

I think we are or were just pawns in their behavior. They replace women, repeat the behavior and abandon only to start the process again. The problem is there is damage done. I am damaged now and still work on healing daily. I confess I ask God nightly to return this guy so I can somehow fix it. So far silence. I should probably pay attentions the to that.

It’s hard and painful but you are all correct in saying that we will come out better and stronger and smarter. We will have polished ourselves and either attract a great love or just attract great friends and experiences even if we spend our lives alone. At least we are not on the crazy narcissist wheel suffering and turning ourselves inside out for nothing.

I really believe that these guys will be sitting somewhere i their old age when they are not handsome, charming, and all that thinking of us and really regretting they did not try harder. They ran. They were cowards. At that point it will be way late in the game and they will have to deal with reality. Not bad people as you say Natasha but broken and incapable. Sad.

We gave our hearts ladies and we are good women for that!,🌸
Love you Natasha and all you ladies. Thank you for being here. Bless you all. Stay strong.

Miss you Natasha. 😍🌸💕🦄

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Linda,
Thank you for your comment above and your replies as well. 7 months later, too, and I hope for an email, something. Not sure why.
Maybe I’m still seeking validation that I wasn’t really the “nothing girl” in his life that I turned out to be. But I am getting better.
When I see him now at work I still feel the knife, but I don’t unravel or cry as much.

Yeah, I wonder if someday how they treat women will catch up to them. Do they even have a conscious? And should I even be jealous of
his fiancée? I mean, she thinks she has the perfect guy.

I think the fact he sent you a birthday card shows he knows he is wrong. And honestly, being a lawyer from the East Coast – eh. I would rather be a hard working, genuine girl from California who treats people right and wears her heart on her sleeve! I wish you peace and healing! I will look for your comments and updates on this blog, I am rooting for you! xox

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Hi Christine. Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate what you shared. I am positive that the girl you mentioned DOES NOT HAVE THE PERFECT GUY. She has a real mess and challenge to deal with if they make it that far. Whatever lies ahead for you it will for sure be better than his being fake.
I’m sure you will come out as a strong and if anything both you and I have our eyes open now. You be well and stay focused. I will look for you in the blog too. I hope one day we all get to meet and share more. Thank you again and I will be keeping you my thoughts. 🌸💕🦄😍

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I love and miss you everyday sister. Thank you so much for sharing. You got this! – believe in my belief in you. If I can get through it, so.can.YOU.

You’re never alone. Love you so much Linda. xoxo

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Thank sister🦄💕🌸

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Linda my dear…. wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. You and I share so much in our thoughts and emotions that I feel everything you are saying in my heart. When I come out to Cali. you, me and Natasha have to get together for a girls dinner. I feel like I have known you both my whole life even though we have never met. I wish you nothing but good things going forward and all of life’s blessings my dear friend.

Always in my thoughts and prayers.

xxxxxx

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Hi Vicki.
Thank you so much. I would absolutely love for us all to get together. I am very close to L.A. by plane. I look forward to it.
You are in my thoughts and prayers as well. I wish you good things as well and lots of peace. I am sure we have many common stories and experiences. Can’t wait til we can sit down and share. Be well for now my friend.
🌸💕🦄😍

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Dear everyone here who have suffered the discard of a narcissist or an emotionally unavailable lover. It is kind of sad but there is some comfort in finding a place like this and know that we are not the only ones to be going through or have experienced the brutal pain of such a heartless ending. The war between the mind, the heart and the soul is unbearable and difficult for others who never experienced anything like this to comprehend.

Yet if you read all the comments, you can see that there is a clear pattern.

What saved me from going mad while I endured all of this since well over a year now was searching for answers, getting information and trying to understand this kind of heart-shredding-to-pieces behaviour from the man whom I was convinced was finally “THE ONE”. Coming to this blog, which feels like an understanding pat on a shoulder for just about any scenario/situation I’ve been in or contemplated. Phew.
But when research a little, it can help you a lot. You will discover that there is actually such a thing as Complex PTSD following a relationship with either a sociopath, narcissist (covert) and psychopath or any kind of manipulator and understanding it will help you to endure it and to recover from the unbearable pain you are left with. There is such a thing as the after effects of intermittent reinforcement in a relationship which is a sort of brainwashing. Look up love bombing and devaluation. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! It is a pattern that is repeated by narcissist and by covert narcissist and they put on a mask of the love of your life and they are so good at manipulating and reflecting exactly what it is that you desire that you never see the axe coming but sadly, come it does.
They might come across like my lover. A kind, generous and altruistic person with his heart on his sleeve and yet such a person, if genuine, would never ever be able to turn out ruthless and lack empathy. EVER. There is no such thing as an honest liar either…
To read about this type of behaviour helped me a lot because I felt like I was going crazy and no one around me could understand what I was going through. These type of lovers are like an addiction and your brain and body perceive it and react to it as such and therefore you will undergo very strong withdrawal symptoms. Read and get informed as much as you can. And keep coming here and you will get through this. I wanted to die at one point and yet here I am and slowly finding peace at last.
Even if my ex does contact me from time to time now, after 5 months of unexplained and sudden silence and for me it is easier than to sever all contact, I am no fool. I know that even if perhaps he does love me in some kind of a sick, screwed up way, that kind of love is no good and will always end up hurting me. If he did it once, he sure can do it again.
Love, courage and strength to you all.
Thank you Natasaha Xxx

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Thank you thank you THANK YOU so much for this Michelle! xoxo

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Hi Michelle.
I am blown away by this. You have just taught me something new. I felt the exact same way. There were times I questioned even going on with my life because the pain was so deep and unbearable. I am ashamed to admit that but truth is painful. I did question how someone could just basically kick the emotional dog as Natasha says and then keep walking. No thought no remorse just continue on with their life. I still cannot accept it. I thought I knew this man after the many years we were friends but I have come to realize that people will show you what they want you to see but are sometimes a completely different person. They are also not invested in the other person but just serving their needs whatever way they can. I have not had any contact for 7 months and wonder daily if he still marks the days as I do. I hope someday I stop marking the time. I hope the ghosting stops but it is like you say a trauma.
I just wait for time to mend my heart, but my eyes are open now. Thank you for this information and for helping me see I am not crazy just broken hearted. You gave me a gift today.
Be well sister and thank gosh for this space Natasha created. 🌸

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Beautifully said.

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Oh my Michelle … I have sooooo much to say about everything you have written. Sadly my ex was emotionally unavailable but also suffers from mental illness and that just made things 10x’s worse for me. I am very familiar with PTSD and the soul crushing trauma from this experience it has literally changed the way I see things now and almost destroyed me inside. I don’t even know where to begin sister. But all of what I went thru and trying to stick by his side thru the highs and lows, hospital stays, mood swings, break ups, getting back together, getting engaged, another break up, and him asking me not to give up on him and have faith in him and us, just to have him discard after 3 years … there are no words and he is completely detached from his emotions and made me feel like I was nothing after all of this. There is no rational explanation and no amount of words an apology can ever take away the unbearable pain I have gone thru trying to make sense of nonsense and inexplicable bullshit. I know in my heart and soul how good I was to him. There was a time I was certain he truly loved me, I felt it, he showed it, but that didn’t last. He walked away as a coward this last time because he couldn’t own up and face what he had done to cause the final straw that broke us. When all of this shit was going on his mom who I was extremely close to reached out to me and said, ” I am so sorry he hurt you AGAIN, I love you like a daughter, but you don’t deserve this… just walk away, it only gets worse (illness) with age”…and he sabotages the good things in his life and our hearts are broken as well. Needless to say, I felt more empathy and remorse from her than I ever got from him.

Anyway, there is just so much more to the story, but when I saw your post I had to comment. Thank you for bringing light to all who come here searching desperately for answers. It never really was ever about US, it’s about THEM and their own fucked up way of being and the devastation they leave behind in their wake. Narcissists, Sociopaths, Emotionally Unavailable, doesn’t matter. The outcome is the same. They cannot empathize with others and cannot see or don’t want to see or take responsibility for their behavior and they will keep trying the same old tricks with new people thinking the results will be different, it never works… just more carnage.

Hugs and blessings to all here in this tribe. Stay strong and keep pushing forward.
#whitehorsewarriors
xxxxx

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PS. I wanted to add that even if you might be a victim in all of this, the important thing to do is not to get stuck in the victim mode and do just as Natasha encourages you to do. Take care of yourself, have your own back, become your best friend and the heroin of your own life. Learn to enjoy your own company and spoil yourself by doing the things you love.

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YES!! 🙂

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Oh my. Thank you ladies. As I read each and every comment, I can relate to most and I can feel the pain everyone here feels. It was literally the worst trauma I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. And I could not understand why and how, nothing made sense and there were no answers – at least not from him. It is when I learned about all the side effects these extremely skilled predators leave their victims with that at least I started feeling like I was not crazy and the way I felt and reacted was normal. These people study you, mirror you and disarm your red flags without you ever being aware of it. They are masters at their game and most people don’t stand a chance. I think if more people who are going through this were better informed, to understand all this would make it much easier for them to recover. I wish there was a forum where we could all chat and cry together because to have someone finally know what you mean is such a relief. I am thinking that I might write a novel based on my experience because I feel that more people need to know.

Have you ever considered having a chatroom Natasha? 😉 Just throwing it out there.

Yes, this blog is an immense blessing.

And whether your ex contacts you or not, the outcome is the same. If they can hurt you like that without a second thought, they are no good. Mine tells me he still loves me and misses “US” all the while he is back with his ex-wife (where he rightfully belongs – I get that) and preaches and mentors kids to be accountable for their choices and actions and how to grow up to be better men and better husbands. That’s his motto…can you believe the nerve and such deep lack of consciousness? I feel sorry for him in the end because it is ridiculous. He was all I could see for a few years but I am no longer blinded. It still hurts and I wonder if I’ll even ever be able to find love and be able to love again but for now, I am the one who matters to me.
Your life is your gift from the universe and no one has the right to destroy it.
NO ONE.

Love to you all sisters out there. Xxx

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Michelle,

After reading your responses all I can think is… damn. You are so spot on and my pain feels your pain. It is sick to be lifted so high only to be pulled down by their selfishness.. I shared my story above and really feel like I can relate to everything you’re saying. I have beat myself up for so long because I hate that I’ve let this person take a part of me I may never see again.. I couldn’t even tell you what that part is, there is just a part of me that feels an emptiness. I also worry that I wont ever be able to love that hard again because of what he has done to me. I think about his new girlfriend all the time. In ways that I feel like she’s better than me, that he’s finally being a good man for someone else, and then in ways where I truly feel sorry that she doesn’t have a clue who she is with. I remember the person he showed me to be all the time, and I find myself missing that person but the reality is just that. He SHOWED me that person. It was never actually really him, at least it never would’ve been for long. It’s a sick mess that only gives them validation and leaves us feeling worthless. But I’ll tell you one thing, we are not worthless and never were for a second. I believe it takes a special strength to get through this and we all hold it. For the last two years I’ve felt like I was stuck in this man’s trap and there was no way out. That I would always feel like he was the one, or always stalk his social media, or never stop comparing everyone else to him, and that the question of ” why wasn’t I enough?” would forever cross my mind. Ever since reading this post and the responses I finally am feeling the hope I have been waiting for to FINALLY close this door and never look back. Thank you for sharing your insight with us. I know this helped me keep pushing another day.

And thank you Natasha for this tribe! I love love love all this love and support being given.

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This is beautiful. I love seeing all this love 🙂 xoxo

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Agreed <3 You are incredible Michelle.

Yes! I'm going to be launching a secret Facebook group soon + so.much.more 🙂 Love you! xx

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Linda, Vicky, May, Natasha and all the ladies sharing here and those reading and feeling the pain. We are all awesome and we can get through it and we are not alone. Be patient with yourself and seek peace. It takes time and a lot of self-love to heal. No one else’s love will do to get you through this except your own. Just like Natasha shows you here, in every one of her post. She is that awesome and fantastic to do so for all of us and for us to find each other in our most vulnerable time. Do not lose yourself because of a loser. He is not worth it no matter how well he had fooled you or maybe even truly loved you and still might to some extend. The fact that he is able to hurt you so deeply says EVERYTHING about him. A wolf in sheep’s skin. There is a wonderful post about empathy and trust from Natasha that I read and re-read. As she says – he can’t be just part-time empathetic and people do not change, they just reveal who they truly are. I love those posts. Thank you. All of you.

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😘 Amen sister. Thank you.

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Crying tears of so much gratitude, appreciation, joy and love fo you Michelle. Thank you.

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Thank you again Michelle. I know that so many of us have gone thru so much of the same emotional roller coaster with our exes and here we are trying to help each other thru the worst pain most of us have ever known. When I think about all the times I forgave and all the times I heard, “I promise I will never hurt you again, I will never let you go again, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, I love you so much babe, please forgive me…etc. And despite my gut telling me to run and never look back, my heart pulled me back in every time. There are no words to describe how unbelievably angry I was at myself and him looking back now. Am I healed yet? No. But I am taking steps to work on myself and not let what happened keep me from being bitter and hateful. I don’t want to let what happened destroy who I am inside. I know that loving myself and putting me first and my well being needs to be the most important thing if I am ever going to truly find peace again.

Natasha – I think it’s great that you will be starting a private facebook chat, but unfortunately I am not on FB anymore, too many memories and I just can’t go on there. I have had to take a big break from social media and the only account I have now is Instagram and I barely go on their any more. Hopefully you can do something here on this blog where the tribe can send private messages to each other and still be part of the family here on PMS. I know you will do what is best for all. 🙂

I have so much love for all of you here and my heart is so full. THANK YOU all for being the beautiful, strong and badass people I have ever talked to.
Stay strong and be well my dears.
xxxxxxx
#whitehorsewarriors

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This is day #6 since the Emotionally Unavailable Narcissist who (I had thought) was in my life, threw a grenade at me in the form of an e-mail that itemized (#1, #2, #3…) all of the reasons he didn’t think we should be in a relationship, which boiled down to everything being my fault (at least he didn’t blame me for the fact that he’s been pursuing online hookups the entire time we’ve been together – but then again he still doesn’t know that I know about those…), and which concluded with the mindfuck declaration: “I truly do love you.”

(I’m flexible, but even I can’t manage the contortions necessary to pair up that statement with the fact that, when I would try to hold his hand in public, he would narrow his eyes and say: “Don’t touch me, fag.”)

Every day, I’m stronger with the help of this blog. I’m so grateful to Natasha and to everyone in the Tribe. I’ve been reading this post multiple times a day for the past week, while struggling to remain on the white horse. When I see what I’ve written above (which barely scratches the surface) about my time with the EUN, it seems incredible to me that this should be a struggle, but that’s how it is…

Thanks to everyone for being here.

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big hugs to you Nathan. We are all here for you hon. You are never alone my dear.
xxxx

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Love this XOXO

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This made me tear up. You are loved and never alone Nathan <3

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Thank you for the love everyone and thank you Natasha. A chatroom where we could connect even closer than through these amazing and heartbreaking/heartwarming stories and testimonies would be nothing short of wonderful.
You are awesome!

Nathan, hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to keep walking forward, even in the pitch black.

This place helped me tremendously and reading Natasha’s posts saved me fron going mad. I have a long way to go and I have many days when I am still up and down but I do see the light at last. Do I still love him? Yup. Do I still miss him? Like crazy. Do I want him back? NOOOOOO
I came to realize that I only want back the fantasy part. The part where everything was perfect but that was the part where I was being wooed and blinded and fooled into thinking that this fantasy was the reality. Well. It was not.
I was discarded and from flying high above, I suddenly fell down on my face and woke up to the brutal truth.

I quite like Richard Grannon’s take as well. He also has good analogies and he goes deep into the whole co-dependency and dealing with a narcissist dynamics. It helped me to understand the trauma of such a relationship.
I quite enjoyed the Lies Bind, Truth Frees from him – the way he relates to the narcissist as a movie maker and you his star – except that it is his world all along and he gets to decide…
Heal and empower yourself to get out of this not only alive but triumphant.
A care bear hug to you all.

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Michelle… i started crying when i read what you wrote about missing him and that you still love him. I still miss and love my ex too. I dont know why I feel ashamed to admit it but I havent said that out loud or even talked about him to my friends in months. I guess i didn’t want to look like a fool for still feeling that way. And no I dont want him back either, but like you I missed the him I thought he was .. not who he turned out to be. I think my biggest fear and whats keeping me from totally letting go is thinking that he will be better with the girl he’s with now… that he will try harder with her than he did with me and she will make him happier. I know that sounds ridiculous and I know so many of Natashas blogs have said they will not change with the next girl and they will wind up being the same exact guy with her as they were with us. I don’t know why I keep doubting that.. i guess because then I would really think it was just me..that I wasnt enough. Ugghh… i feel so weak for even saying that!!

Anyway, thank you for your honesty.
much love and respect to you girl and everyone here in this tribe.
xxxxx

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Vicky, do not ever be ashamed of your true feelings and emotions. If you pretend and say all the right things but it is not how you feel inside, you will never process your emotions as they need to be processed in order for you to recover. You will just be prolonging the whole ordeal. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge what you feel, then try to understand why you feel the way you do. I completely understand though. That is what I mean by not having the heart, the head and the soul all on the same page and in war inside me. We all know what is right and what is wrong and how much life would be better if we could turn the page just like that. If it was all just that easy. It’s not.

I am also devastated that he is back with his ex. He is there because I did not want to put up with his BS anymore and called him up on what he’s been putting off for over 4 years. When he discarded me so suddenly and brutally, he was pouring his heart out to yet another woman. It destroyed me. I was hurting and dying but he did not care and now he tells me he loved me all that time and yet he is with his ex and posts as if he is the happiest guy in the world. So see? It means nothing. The next girl might or might not be the one who will endure him for longer than you have. That is what I think might be. These men are miserable inside to be able to hurt someone they “supposedly” love. And same goes for them as it goes for us in the end. As long as we are miserable and don’t love ourselves enough to have our own back, chances are slim that anyone else will love us the way we deserve.
Just be kind to yourself. It really is not you. You are enough. Just not ever enough for a man whose has an empty space inside his chest that no one can ever fill.
Much love sister xxx

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Michelle – I wish we could chat more because I have so much to say, we definitely need a private message button. 🙂
Anyhow, thank you so much for everything you said. Wish I could hug you my friend.

blessings.
xxxxxxxx

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@Vicky – Yes!! A private button or a possibility of exchanging emails would also be fantastic! It is still so crazy how we can pretty much all relate to each other. How the same stories by different people are the testimonies of the narcissistic behaviour. 🙁
How easy to get pulled back in with just a few kind words that seem straight from the heart and maybe they even are, in fact I am sure they are, but that heart has a guillotine at its entrance and that thing can go down on you faster than you can blink. My heart and head are still at war. I wish I had a solid proof of lies to set me free but I don’t. Only unacceptable behaviour and a truck full of excuses. I tried no contact but was miserable. Now I have some contact and he is still the same on and off guy and even though I no longer have expectations, am I truly weaning myself from him or still the fool who is willingly passing over and over under that guillotine that he has the string to. And yeah, he drops it on and off. How is it that I am not yet completely indifferent to him already? I guess it has nothing to do with him but something to do with me. Some hurt or some scar that is generating me to accept this type of behavior even if I no longer even have any expectations and don’t much believe much he says to me. The lies seem to be soothing me…until that blade goes down.
So yeah, for those who have no contact at all, as painful as it is, at least you are no longer living with a slicer over your head. You only got it once.
At least every disappointment makes me take a step backwards and I don’t let his attempt to hurt me get to me as much. I will get tired of it.
PS. I thought trying to force something to happen with another man would maybe be a distraction and help me move on. Boy was I wrong. The worst is that I knew it beforehand but did not listen to myself and tried to force it anyway. It helped me to confirm that peace and healing is what I need and the way to go.
Much love to all of you beautiful hurt souls who will recover just as I will.
Thank you for your presence.
Thank you Natasha for connecting us.

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Thanks to everyone who has shared their painful truths here. Natasha’s words always strike a chord, but the subject of the narcissistic ex appears especially to resonate. We have strength in numbers and in our shared emotional integrity.

I’m still frustrated with myself for maintaining this faint, irrational hope that the Emotionally Unavailable Narcissist who was in and out of my life for all these years, will somehow change and be willing to accept and give real love. This is time and mental energy that would be better spent on myself. There were so many positive qualities I saw in him (beauty, sophistication, elegance), qualities that, as someone suggested to me, must also exist in myself – because otherwise how could I appreciate them? – and that I should try to nurture them from within myself instead of looking to someone else, particularly an EUN. It’s an interesting idea to add onto the theme that’s been mentioned previously on this page of learning to show love and compassion toward ourselves.

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Nathan,
I don’t really have any words of wisdom, I’m just now feeling better after 7 months. So give yourself some time to heal. Any emotion you
feel now is ok- it all goes. One day you’re feeling great, then you’re sad, and on and on. I think in time you will reflect on this dynamic and realize
you do deserve better and perhaps the rose colored glasses will come off, and you’ll see that maybe you dodged a bullet. Don’t you want to be
with someone you can hold hands with in public? He wasn’t faithful to you either. Take him down from the pedestal and no longer seek validation
from him. He emailed you a break up list? What a coward! You’re likely a better person, this is his loss more than it is yours!

I’ve learned the hard way that people who are emotionally unavailable are indifferent. And you can never ever never win against indifference!
Trying to make this guy care was like throwing myself at a brick wall. The only solution is to become indifferent towards this person as well.
No anger, no tears, the outcome of any interaction with him leaves no emotional mark. That’s when the playing field becomes even. I’m getting there! I pray every day to get there! I wish the same for you. Take care of YOU! xox Christine

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Dear Christine – Thanks for your encouragement and sharing your experience. I can so relate to everything you’re saying, especially how trying to make an EUM/EUN care is like throwing yourself at a brick wall. I try to keep in mind all of the key metaphors and truths from Natasha and the other members of the Tribe: not expecting a cat to bark, the futility in crying over flushing a poopy toilet or complaining about the stench, accepting that people don’t change but just reveal themselves over time, reverse narcissism, searching within ourselves to understand what draws us to the EU types, maintaining our own standards, and, above all, staying on the white horse. Let’s take care of ourselves and one another!

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I love seeing this love and support! 🙂 XOXO

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For a long time I was on the self-blaming route, and the foundation of that was a feeling of inadequacy. I’ll just like to add my voice to those who have reached indifference, and here is how I got there.
1. I had to label the relationship (fantasy). For me it was important to find out what/who I was dealing with; otherwise, I was just blowing confetti up his ass, and not seeing the person he told and showed me he was, a toxic individual. I had to TRULY understand this was a character disturbed person. The trap I fell into was believing he didn’t know how his actions hurt ppl, and that he didn’t mean to hurt me. Wrong, trust and believe they KNOW what they are doing! Some ppl just lack integrity. What they really hope – is to do as they please, but count on your giving the benefit of the doubt to allow them to perpetuate shady behavior. “When someone shows you their true colors believe them” – Maya Angelou

2. Self-respect. One word but so powerful. You have to love yourself more than you want to be with that person. I really had to say to myself – what does it mean if I want to be with someone who has shown me he does not want me? I had to dig deep for this one. Even if you love that man/woman you have to place a high price tag on your dignity, and not be someone’s fallback. It seems so simple, but it took me months to comprehend that I should never put my self-respect in a position to have the same man reject me again. I learnt this the hard way. Once I stood in that light I reconnected with my standards and knew I deserved better. “Never participate in your dishonor” – Iyanla Vanzant.

3. The characdo not think the way you do. Therefore, your actions of love and empathy are translated as a green light for your manipulation. Once I understood this was a losing game, indifference was straight ahead. There is no winning with these ppl.

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Thank you so much for sharing this Tevamac! xoxo

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Love your comment!!! “When someone shows you their true colour, believe them.” Yes!!!!! Love this. We must all stop being colourblind! Well said. All of it. Labelling it a fantasy is a good strategy. Thank you!
I am so grateful for this place.
Heart heart heart and more heart

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@Nathan

Your ex sounds like he is in denial, and hasn’t fully accepted being homosexual. If that is the case (I could be wrong) but no relationship with him will work , and you were also in a fantasy relationship. One that was set from the beginning never to work.

Here is what I have learnt from staying in an intimate relationship with the emotionally unavailable. The longer u stay the more worthless you will feel, and the less respect you will have for yourself. It goes like this – you will heap all the love , empathy and respect on them, and it will not be reciprocated. When that happens naturally you will think – what is wrong with me , am I unlovable, I must not be enough…… etc. it will feed every old, buried, hiddened , negative thought you have had about yourself until you start to feel this person is the only one that can make it go away. That’s the trap.

Also being sophisticated, intelligent etc are wonderful qualities, but they are not a person’s character – you know what I mean. You can be sophisticated, and an asshole at the same time. I fell for the same qualities smh. Now I don’t give a damn about those things, the number 1 characteristic I look for in all my new relationships is INTEGRITY.

If you can work with Natasha or a counselor or someone to help you get over the breakup, you shouldn’t go through it alone.

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@Tevamac

Thanks for your sharing your experience. It’s a great comfort to me and, I’m sure, to so many others. I can identify so well with just about everything what you’re describing. I can pinpoint how I deluded myself into thinking the EUN was The One. I can identify exactly how his cruel words and actions eroded my self-respect and self-esteem, how this made me seek his favour even more, and how his contempt for me grew because he saw me as clingy, weak and needy. All of this makes sense in my head, and yet I feel as if I’m still having trouble letting go of the fantasy.

(I never considered that he might have some kind of internalized homophobia, but at this point, I wouldn’t rule anything out.)

I’m fortunate to have some very strong support, and I’m very moved by all the love on this blog.

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Hi Nathan,

One day you will be able to let go of the fantasy. Please understand this man took you by the hand, and led you into fantasyland, and left you there. I had a hard time letting go because I didn’t want to believe it wasn’t real. It felt so incredible, it just couldn’t have been one sided. I also couldn’t accept someone could be so uncaring, especially since he was the one that tried so hard to impress me. Letting go is not easy also because this person expended a lot of charm, energy etc to get you to trust them (who would do that if they didn’t want you ?). Defenses were removed, guards were let down, and now your mind is being asked to do a 180. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Yes, letting go of the fantasy is not easy.

I’ve learn fromNatasha’s blog that “someone should never make me feel that loving me is hard.” – Natasha Adamo

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Hi Natasha and everyone on here.

I came across this amazing amazing post, after reading many on here and elsewhere about EUN and it really resonates with me. Thought I’d comment even if it’s an older post if that’s ok.

I just wanted to say that this is behaviour is also very much perpetrated by women. I am 4 months no contact with a woman I was in an ‘almost relationship’ with for 2 years. We were work colleagues, and really really good friends. Looking back now i saw the multiple red flags that were being waved at me but I ignored them because I was so desperate to be chosen and horribly co-dependent. Ugh.

It’s almost broken me – the lies, the mind games, the triangulation, the hot and cold, the ghosting and the final discard – all the big hits!!
I’ve implemented no contact before (but been reeled back in) and was in that earlier this year when out of nowhere she texted me on my birthday. Cut to me (still in validation seeking mode) after being initially wary I started engaging, two weeks of texting and then, wham – we’re meeting up to ‘catch up’ and she outright asks me if we can hook up. And like a moth to flame I’m right there. And guess what … we hit the sack and after she gets hers she makes up some bullshit story, saying she’s meeting her friend, leaps up and literally runs away!!! A few days later I get a ‘I’m freaking out – this about me and not you’ line. That’s the last I heard from her.

I’ve cut her off completely and on all social media but she hasn’t reached out at all anyway. And I did discover she has a new bf via someone else about a month ago, which hurt like hell but reading all this information on here, I get it. I was used, manipulated, then devalued and discarded and now she’s onto the next victim. Simple as that. I still love her – that feeling was real – and I miss her but I haven’t broken the NC and I won’t even tho it’s excruciating. I’m learning to value myself and have my own back. It’s all the more sad that by her saying it’s about her and not me, she’s clearly self aware enough to recognise what she is but can’t turn that awareness inwards and try and make changes. Probably because she actually doesnt want to and thinks she’s done nothing wrong. She has no empathy for what she’s done to me and it just sucks is all. Anyway, just an experience I had of a woman doing this same covert narc BS to a guy.
Love to all x

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Hi Markus!

Thank you for sharing. I write from the perspective of a female because I am one, but everything I write about does not discriminate whatsoever against gender, age, sexual orientation, etc. I have many male readers and clients. Thank you again for taking the time to respond – I am happy that the post helped!

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