Hi, my name is Natasha and I am a recovering people pleaser. I’ve had the disease to please my entire life and made it my mission to be everyone’s version of perfect. I was never happy with myself, painfully insecure, and more than anything… I just wanted to fit in and be liked.

Recovering from the disease to please has been one of the most difficult paths to remain on. Every day, I still catch myself trying to revert back to my old programming.

So how do you know if you have the disease to please?

And if you are a people pleaser, what are some real ways that you can put an end to it once and for all?

Does any of this sound familiar?

  • When interacting with someone, you are more worried about how they’re viewing you than you are invested in the conversation. Afterward, you feel debilitating anxiety, rehash everything, and beat yourself up. You obsess over every move made and every word spoken because you realize that you were never invested in the conversation. You confuse auditioning with connecting. It seems like the only way you can ever please others is by having to doormat yourself.
  • You’re an impulsive and excessive “agree-er.” You’d rather just agree, fit in, stroke someone’s ego, tell them what they want to hear, etc., than be honest and voice your opinion.
  • You care to a detriment about the opinions of eve.ry.one – even people you barely know.
  • You gravitate toward and over-value relationships where you have to work for love, acceptance, and validation.
  • You’ve googled “body dimorphic disorder,” “social anxiety,” “I feel ugly all the time,” “Why doesn’t he want me?” etc. You hate the way you look and you emulate the style of others because you are unsure of what your identity even is. You’re a chameleon and mold to fit (please) whomever you’re with. You can even notice your personality start to change around certain people/groups.
  • You pedestal people who were never worthy of your time and give out second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances that were never earned.
  • You continue to experience the same results with different people.
  • You’re confrontation avoidant.
  • You feel like you have to lie about little things to get people to like and accept you.

You find more comfort in being the “perfect,” lobotomized lamb for others than you do in living and speaking your truth.

  • You’re always frustrated with how passive and weak you are.
  • Your romantic relationships are with emotionally unavailable, narcissistic partners.
  • Your friendships are with dominant friends who always call all the shots and run the show.
  • You freeze when directly asked by people what you want.
  • You’re always disappointed, getting your feelings hurt, offended, and misunderstood. No one cares or gives as much as you do, but they always get all of the recognition, love, and benefits.
  • You get crucified for what others get a slap on the wrist for.
  • You’re emotionally constipated.
  • You gravitate toward versions of one or both of your parents romantically, professionally, and/or in friendships.

How do you put an end to the disease to please?

Acknowledgment & Accountability. 

The two common denominators of the disease to please are low self-esteem and a lack of boundaries. Because of this, you end up becoming a magnet for toxic relationships. Not acknowledging (and committing to being responsible/accountable for) this connection is as like having extremely pale skin and wondering why you burn after an hour in the sun without SPF.

If you’re exhausted from being on the disease to please hamster wheel, you need to work on your boundaries and self-esteem. Start little by little – when you feel the pleasing coming on, remind yourself that you are enough, just as you are. And act on that recognition.

When you decide to close the door on your disease to please, everything changes. The types of friends, family members, and romantic partners who previously got access to you will no longer be able to bust your boundaries nor will they trigger you into “how high can I jump for you” mode. They can no longer get away with door matting you because you no longer doormat yourself.

Do you know how dermatologists say that the skin is a window into what’s going on inside the body?  Your relationship history is a window into YOU and the relationship that you have with YOURSELF. Overcome your fear of looking into that window. Life won’t end. It will finally begin – on your terms instead of everyone else’s.

You need to get more worried about the effects your drained self-respect (and the diminished respect that others will have for you) than you are scared of deviating from your people pleasing programming.

You have everything to gain and everything to lose. Your choice.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

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15 comments

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Your such a beautiful person to just bare your soul like you do, big hug to you! And bravo to you for being a recovering people pleaser! I am one too, a different degree of one, but one non the less. That bad not “feeling good enough” feeling, especially in certain circles, still effects me. But, I have to say it has been 7 months since I heard from my guy AND I am actually feeling better finally thanks to this web site. I really am seeing things for how they really are and were. I really never thought I would come this far. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

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Thank YOU Melissa. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me to hear. You go girl. I’m so proud of and happy for you and honored to have had a small part in your healing and evolution. xx

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Tosh thank you for this post, it’s nice to see I’m not the only people pleaser in the family, miss and love you!

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🙂 xoxo

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I need to print this and hang it on my wall. I need to stop pleasing people and getting disappointed all the time as well. Thanks for this and can’t wait for the other posts you have. ?

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Thanks babe 🙂 xx

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You are a healer Natasha. What a gift you have. Thank you for this and for all you do <3

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So beautiful I love this post because this is me 100% <3 I feel like you get inside my head and know how to express my feelings and thoughts better than I do. You definitely have a gift and have helped me evolve into a more confident self assured woman. It seems like everything around me is getting better as well. Your advice had changed my life and I can't wait to see what's ahead xoxox

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Thank you so much Catherine <3 🙂 xxoxoxo

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I applaud you for your honesty, it was like reading about myself I am speechless it was a definite aha moment for me Thank you !!! I have blamed myself for everyone else’s failings even when the father of my child repeatedly cheated on me all I could think was what could I have done differently

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Hi Natali,

Thank YOU for allowing me to see that I’m not alone in my past feelings and beliefs. I did the same for so many years. Once you get out of this mentality, you will be out of the self imposed prison of your beliefs and your life will transform 🙂 xoxo

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Dear Natasha,
I was triggered. And triggered nastily. I lost four precious days of a period during which I have been consistently trying to recover, heal, and move on, with minimum pain inflicted on others. I was thrilled to be on the path leading to my authentic self. I was forgiving and learning from my pain, and was even being thankful for it to the person who caused it, and pardoning myself for allowing him to have that kind of a power over me. Hell, I was falling asleep most of the days reading you and even dishing out breakup advice to a younger guy friend. But when I broke my boundaries, all the people-pleasing bullshit gushed out, and it’s hurting me now. I know it’s a trigger, not my truth. I know this too shall pass. In fact, even as I was bawling my heart out, I could detach myself and think that after all I was now adept at grieving! I know all the stages, the ropes! But still, even as I type this out, I can feel it, the hurt and the insult and the love and the tenderness, my need to belong, my need to nurture, bubbling inside me.
At best, and worst, the object of my affections is impossible and UNAVAILABLE. I know that. But at this point in time, nothing else will make me feel better other than his begging for forgiveness, declaring undying love and care and support and security till the end of time, all this while I will be screaming and shouting (with abundant supply of hot tears) and running about stamping my foot, and shutting myself in a room, on the door of which he will be banging his head. Repeatedly.

As I have said before, you are my beacon light, which will be there even when I choose not to look…Thank you Natasha.

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I’m honored to help. You’re incredible ♥️ And you’re never alone. XO

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I can’t tell how much of a godsend you are. I am currently in the lowest point so far in my 30 years of life. I have a best friend who lacks empathy towards me, has hurt me more times than he’ll ever know, and like an abused victim I keep staying. He says he’s just a caveman, he doesn’t know anything, but even when I bear my soul to him I get shit apologies and the cycle repeats! Your articles give me such power and courage. I can once and for all day ENOUGH!

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Timothy,

Thank YOU so much for your connection, love, support, and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 I’m so happy that the posts have helped.

You deserve so.much.more than this and we are all so lucky to have you here. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. So happy for and proud of you. XOX

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