The thing I’ve learned through all the mistakes I’ve made and unnecessary heartbreak, drama and time wasted is that it’s absolutely pointless to try and get a grown adult that disrespected and hurt you to “see the light,” and see the error of their ways.
I’ve come to accept that I’m not a magician and I’m not that influential or powerful (nor do I want to be), that I can literally teach f*cktards, the “right way,” and get them to empathize, understand my pain, my feelings, where I’m coming from and how their actions impacted me.
Sometimes in relationships when we’ve been deeply hurt by someone, we get too scared to enforce our boundaries for fear of coming across as mean, rude or immature. Plus let’s be honest, we don’t want to lose them. We don’t want to be alone. We don’t want to have another failed relationship. Again. We want THIS to be it. We think that if we “fight” for this love, that if we cry and get angry and show our true, raw feelings and emotion, that it will be understood, acknowledged and appreciated by the other party.
Deep down, we really just want to know that we’re good enough, special enough and that we mean enough to them for them to want to understand how they hurt us and to change. We want the validation that we matter because we can’t validate ourselves.
This is the thing I’ve learned that I wish someone would have told me when I was younger:
If a guy treats you poorly and behaves like a jerk, why do you think that crying, getting angry and explaining to him how you feel and explaining to him what he did wrong and explaining to him that he broke your heart in a million pieces and explaining to him where you are coming from and explaining to him what his problems are, is going to make any bit of difference? If he had a the tiniest shred of empathy or was capable of understanding these things, he wouldn’t have done what he did and you wouldn’t be reading this now.
This is applicable with friends too. Think about it. The guy is incapable of understanding you because he’s proven through his actions (which always speak louder than words), that he lacks empathy and is emotionally unavailable.
But you like feeling needed and you want to be the reason that this man changes. You know you can get him to understand. You know that he just needs someone that loves him enough and doesn’t give up on him.
In the process of “not giving up on or abandoning him, however, you give up on and abandon yourself. Your life then becomes a game of “don’t abandon me for I have abandoned myself.
Do not tie your worth to trying to change someone. You will do so at the expense of your health, your sanity and your own self worth. If you have to explain to a grown adult the difference between right and wrong, you need to run. This is not about you. He was this way before you and he will be this way after you. It’s not your job to be chief of the moral police.
It IS your job to gracefully exit any relationsh*t where you have to continually explain to someone the fundamental difference between right and wrong.