“Should I stay friends with my ex?” – a question I get asked a lot.

Welcome to the NO FRIEND ZONE, or as I like to refer to it, the title of Chapters 2-5 of my autobiography that chronicles my elementary, middle and high school years.

I don’t know why (and I am so guilty of this), its so.f-ing.comforting when after a breakup, inquiring friends and family come to you and say “I heard about the breakup…” and before they can even get another word in or ask you how you’re doing, you immediately reply “It’s okay. We’re still going to be friends.”

Really?

It’s like saying “Yeah, I know I was in the hospital, got awful food poisoning, almost died from eating sushi and crapped blood for 2 days straight, but it’s okay!! I’m going to try to just have a taste of sushi tonight. Just as an appetizer! No need to worry about me. I’m fine!”

I think that there are a lot of reasons why we hope for and work toward maintaining a friendship with our ex immediately following a breakup (no matter how poorly they treated us).

We don’t want to come across as weak, we don’t want to come across and immature and we’re not quite ready to completely cut everything off. It’s scary and it’s painful. We miss them and we would rather have them as a “friend,” than be alone and feel abandoned, again.

I felt pressure to be friends with exes in the past because I had a serious case of the disease to please. Being friends with an ex (especially an ex that consistently used and disrespected you), immediately following a breakup is impossible. Seriously. You need some emotional and physical distance.

No matter how much you miss him or how much you want to keep communicating with your ex, you need time right now.

If you agree to be friends with your ex, it translates to him that he must not be THAT bad of a person because if he were really THAT bad and if he treated you THAT poorly, there’s no way you would acknowledge him, let alone be so eager to maintain a “friendship.”

So, by you accepting his fake “friendsh*t,” he doesn’t get to have any consequences for what he did and what he put you through because you guys are “friends!”

You being friends with your ex that consistently disrespected and hurt you, translates to your ex that you don’t have any love for yourself. It also communicates that you have a serious lack of boundaries & self-respect.

He will never see it as “Wow, she’s so mature! She’s so strong. She can be my friend after all I put her through. I lost a really good thing.” He will just know he got away with it. You want to be the one that got away? Cut him off. Don’t play the happy-fakey-friendship game.

If you treat someone like sh*t in a relationship, they’re not going to want to be your friend after the breakup and it’s just straight up LOGIC that if you were with someone who was unable to treat you with respect as a romantic partner, they’re not going to be that awesome of a “friend.”

Why set aside your value just to engage with someone that can’t even see their own? (if they did, they wouldn’t have to take advantage of and abuse others to elevate themselves)

Often times, they will make you feel like you’re not being “mature” if you don’t want to be friends.

There is nothing weak or immature about having boundaries and you shouldn’t feel guilty.

What IS weak and immature, is trying to grow a rose garden out of hangover puke which is essentially what trying to be friends with your ex following a breakup is.

So whenever you wonder “should I stay friends with my ex?” Make sure that first and foremost, you’re looking out for yourself and having your own back by being your own soulmate and BFF.

– xo

Natasha Adamo Bounderies

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10 comments

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So true Natasha. So enjoyed this post XOXO

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SO TRUE

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I agree with everything you said, but what if you have a child with such ex? How do you handle it? HELP!

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Hi Corey thanks for reading 🙂 I would not partake in any discussions beyond that of the child. When you have a child, it’s much different but you need to remember that you’re not cutting contact between the child and the father, you’re cutting it between you and him and keeping it strictly about the business of the child. Bare minimum. Be the lady that you are and don’t engage beyond that. xo

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Its so hard to cut ties with my ex of 7 years. We were getting married, found out we were expecting then after our daughter arrived hell broke loose. He and I both started seeing other people soon after the break up but it didn’t last. He started cheating on her with me. I honestly never had to worry about that so I believe she was a rebound. Yet he didn’t come home.. I have done my wrongs as did he but he’s so hot and cold. One minute he’s affectionate the next he an ass. I think he holds grudges against me but still loves me. I work go to school and take care of my baby and constantly wish hed just come back and stay. We live in separate homes and were pretty good about communication as far as our daughter but the pain and uncertainty kills me and keeps me distracted from things I need to focus on. Its so hard to tell him no or to cut him off. He goes out of his way to make sure I’m ok and I feel his love but I also feel he’s scared of me. He says he loves me but also says he wants to be alone while he figures himself out and that I think too much. I’ve been there so I guess I get it but I’m tired of playing the guessing game and feeling the pain of him here one minute and gone the next. We were getting so close again and growing then he found out I made a bad choice. Nothing physical but it hurt him. So now he’s just hot and cold and its been this way for months. What do I do? How can I get through this? How do I stay strong? Is he stringing me alone? I just don’t understand. The worse part is our loving family moments that don’t last. Laughing, playing, all of us cuddling… Even just us enjoying each others company. I hate this.

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Beautifully written, Natasha. Food for the soul and the heart. ❤️
You’re so wise xxx

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Thank you sister <3 I love, appreciate and value you endlessly. Thank you for shining the healing light of your wisdom here. You are incredible Lorelle. xx

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Hi Natasha!

I really enjoy the advice that you post on your amazing blog – you are like the life coach that I’ve been seeking <3. On that note, I was wondering if you could help me out with a sticky situation. What if I want to stay friends with a not-exactly-ex-but-rather-almost-lover? Is that advisable in any way since I enjoy having that person in my life, despite the stars not being aligned at the moment?

What I want to know is if that's ok? Would that be as bad? I don't know. Help me. Am I being stupid?

I love you Natasha, thank you! – Jacquie

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Hi Jacquie!

I love you too 🙂 Thank you! I’m happy to have helped!

I would need more details/background info and don’t have the time to answer as extensively as I would want to in the comments section.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage!

Natasha xo

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I often end up friends with exes. A couple of times, it was because I didn’t want to lose them or for other reasons you listed above. A couple of other times, it was an amicable breakup and one of them is now one of my closest friends. That said, I’m not great with boundaries in relationships, so I’m trying to exercise this boundary now. The last guy I was with, we were friends before we started dating, but he handled the end of our relationship really really poorly and I didn’t get a great apology or explanation. It was all the more crushing considering our history as friends. My question is, in your opinion, will it ever be ok to be his friend or will that undermine any progress in the boundaries arena? I’m not doing what I usually do, which is jumping straight into a friendship, I’ve cut off contact and I feel like I’m on my way to being over him (not there yet)…but I do wonder from time to time if months down the road, when I have no hidden hopes and am no longer hurting, if it’ll still not be ok to reestablish contact just in a hello/catch up/water under the bridge kind of way..not in a be my best friend way. Or will it be breaking the boundary and thus not demonstrating to myself I’m capable of having them and sticking to them? I’ve been mulling over this a lot lately..

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