After breaking up, one of the first things I always used to asked myself was “should I call him?” and if so, WHEN??
Everyone would tell me not to and I knew deep down that it
probably wasn’t a good idea, but I couldn’t stop with the “should I call him or forget about him?” It had to be one or the other, but I couldn’t commit to either because each option posed its own challenges impossibilities.
It was like there was some magnetic force that even though always resulted in humiliation, was completely unavoidable and justified. I mean, it was all in the name of mature answer-seeking and closure. NBD, right?
And one little detail I left out: no matter how much of a relationsh*t that I (and everyone else) knew it was…
I missed him.
Independent of all the closure that I claimed to be after, closure was the furthest thing from what I truly wanted. I had to tell everyone that I needed to go on a closure expedition because if I told them what I really wanted, they’d write me off as the village idiot and abandon me (& the LAST thing I needed was to activate my abandonment issues even more).
I needed “closure,” in the form of getting my ex’s validation one last time. I wanted to know if he still felt the same way and I needed him to know how much he hurt me.
I couldn’t exercise, party, sleep, date, drink or THINK my ex away.
It was impossible to forget the guy that he was in the beginning: a little red flag ridden (who isn’t?) & hurtful at times yes, (probably due to me being psycho), but when he was good… omg. He was so f*cking ovulation-inducing-irreplaceably-on-point, kind of good.
After the breakup, one of my lowest points was *67-ing my ex JUST to hear him pickup the phone. I’d silently cry as the “hellos?” kept coming. Then when he began to sound like Adele, I’d hang up and cry/social media stalk even more. The most embarrassing was when my ex picked up and after a few unanswered “hellos?” he said, “…Natasha?” I died. I could literally feel whatever dignity I had left exit my body. Was it enough to stop me? Lol, ya right.
I ended up spending a large sum of money on a “how to get your ex boyfriend back” system that my endless Google searching had led me to. The 54 page “answer” basically boiled down to: remain in no contact and play hard to get.
How are you supposed to play hard to get when he doesn’t want anything to do with you?
As the days passed, every second became acknowledging that I hadn’t yet reached out (duhhh), and fighting the urge to mute the “should I call him?” question. This left absolutely no time to check in with or care for myself, let alone heal & deal.
Because every moment was accounted for with the “should I call him? No, I can’t! I need to forget him!” tug of emotional war, it was impossible for me to see that what I was essentially “fighting off,” was the urge to dumpster dive.
I couldn’t accept that the trash had taken itself out.
And NO, I’m not calling anyone trash. I define trash as something that isn’t useful to a specific person. To me, non-mutual, dishonest, disrespectful relationsh*ts that lack trust, healthy communication, honesty, empathy, connection and love are trash because they aren’t useful to me (even though they used to be). Triangles are trash to me now. They used to be my treasure. Today, I like lines. This is why they say that one person’s trash is another’s treasure. It’s all relative.
If the trash was going to go to the dumpster, I either needed to dump it myself OR it needed to forewarn me. It had to be on my terms. Why? The trash wasn’t supposed to take itself out! It was supposed to be grateful for the fact that I had worked so hard to please it and buff it into what I thought was a bar of gold.
In the end, it wasn’t. I was the crazy girl mistaking trash for gold in the rough; the girl who told everyone she had a barking cat WHILE the cat was meowing around town.
Emotionally unavailable and narcissistic exes are the hardest to get over. They lack the ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes and are unable to subscribe to anything and stick to it (valuing or devaluing you being at the top of that list).
Because of this, they’re extremely hard to read. And my low-self-esteem self LOVED “hard to read” because it gave me permission to not only remain invested, but it justified having to continue living in a triangle.
I used to equate passion, ovulation, compatibility, love & chemistry with triangulation. As long as it was me, him and some other person or entity that I had to compete with, be chosen over and “win,” it was once-in-a-life-time-soulmate-GOLD status. Linear? Snore. ZzzzZzzz.
If you find yourself staring at your phone wondering, “should I call him?” read these 5 steps first and you’ll know what you need to do.
If you’re asking “should I call him?” and it’s an EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE or NARCISSISTIC ex you’re referring to…
- Understand that if you decide to call your ex, he’s not going to hear you. No seriously, he’s not. Because your ex is coming from a place of emotional and empathetic bankruptcy, the ONLY way that he’ll ever be able to hear you is from the standpoint of a victim and through the filter of HIS world and his agenda/terms (remember, he’s a professional victim – a victim to your obsession with him, a victim to your insecurities, a victim to your psychosis, your neediness, your inability to realize it’s over, etc.). He’s not going to hear what you’re actually saying. You could recite Shakespeare in Mandarin while making intermittent donkey noises and he still wouldn’t be phased. Do you really want to give someone that was so consistently inconsistent; reckless with your heart and trust that kind of satisfaction? Is this withdrawal from your self esteem bank THAT worth it?
- So what WILL he hear if you decide to call? Because actions always speak louder than words (even with f*cktards), the only real listening that your ex is going to be doing is listening to what your actions are TRANSLATING. By making the effort to pick up the phone and call someone that consistently treated you poorly, you’re translating through your actions that you not only care more about him than you do yourself, but that you need him to give you an identity and value. You’re expressing through your actions that your value is not independent of him. That’s a hell of a lot of power to give over to ANYone (let alone a f*cktard). I guarantee you, there isn’t one emotionally connected individual on this planet that just got turned on from that description. It’s not attractive and it doesn’t garner respect because who’s going to respect and be attracted to anyone that can’t respect themselves and needs others give them a sense of worth?
- Your ex can totally get away with it. By acting on your “should I call him?” impulse, you’re also translating to your ex that not only is he NOT that bad of a guy, but that he can clearly get away with what he did. It doesn’t matter if you call and rip him a new one (do NOT do that – always be KIND, be a lady and stay on your whitehorse), he will STILL think that he got away with it. If he was as disloyal of a guy as you want to tell him that he is, why would you waste the energy to call someone that was THAT consistently hurtful? What makes you think that at this point, he’ll understand? If he was even CAPABLE of understanding, you wouldn’t be in this position. How crazy do you really want to look here? By you even making the effort to call, he views it as “getting away with it” because CLEARLY, you’re still affected (and he still has control). Remember: hate is not the opposite of love – when you hate, there are still very strong feelings there. INDIFFERENCE is the opposite of love and indifferent people don’t go wasting their invaluable time calling the very people they no longer give a f*ck about.
- “Should I call him?” Know the cost & be your own spiritual banker FIRST. The short-term satisfaction that you’ll feel in the moment by dialing his digits will ultimately be fleeting and result in heightened pain and insecurity. You’ll propel yourself into more confusion, low self esteem and humiliation. You can’t complain about someone else mind f*cking you when you’re the ambassador of self induced sodomy. And don’t forget – if someone is THAT bad, they’re going to wonder why you’re even making the effort to call and tell them. You don’t need to give your ex a clinical review. It’s not your job. Be the girl that these guys will always refer to as “the one that got away,” by speaking with your actions. You don’t need to get all Tony Soprano, just disappear. Make your ex wonder what the hell got into you, why you’re avoiding him and where you went. The lack of control will eat away at him more than you calling him and giving him a piece of your mind ever will.
- You can rewrite history in a better way. One of the only good things about having been in a relationsh*t with an emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partner is that they’re only going to define you by how you are in the present moment. Yeah, they could think that you’re crazy for x,y and z in the past, but they’re not long term thinkers because of the empathy that they lack. This means that you can essentially redefine yourself at anytime. Reintroduce your ex to who you truly are – not the girl who can’t resist the desire to dial, but the girl that’s unapologetically indifferent, grace-under-pressure KIND, and BUSY.
The girl that’s got much better things to do with her time than take the time to call anyone who couldn’t value her’s.
You’re not alone. You’re part of the most badass tribe ever 🙂
– natasha x