A while ago, I wrote a post about how to get what you want in life, relationships and yourself. While all of it still rings true, that post discusses more of the umbrella concepts than the kind of straight forward detail I want to get into in this post.

I’ve also evolved, failed, succeeded and learned a lot since then.

There are no secrets here on PMS – I’m not a fan of secrets because they generally involve deception and always involve the knowing party on a pedestal while the unknowing party has no option but to look up to the secret holder/”emperor,” who, 11 times out of 10, is unclothed.

I want to share everything with you that has not only changed my luck, my life and my relationships, but has allowed me to be in business in a way that I never thought I could be: without a boss, without being doormatted, without being edited and without a cap on how bright I can shine a light that I never even knew existed until I stopped obsessing about what everyone else thought and how they perceived me.

We all have our own light to shine and unfortunately, the majority of us were made to feel ashamed of and apologize for that light when we were at our most helpless, vulnerable and powerless: As children.

When we’re kids, the guilt, fear and shame associated with being different soon starts to outweigh our ability to shine that light any longer. And thus, another sheep is born. Life becomes nothing more than a game of follow the follower.

In the blink of an eye, we become adults who can’t understand why lovers and friends not only dim whatever remnant of light we have left, but can’t see the light within us. A light that we can’t even see.

As a result, our only hope in resurrecting that light gets put into the hands of disconnected, empathetically bankrupt lovers and friends whose crumbs keep our light as dim as possible so that we are dependent on their validation for emotional survival.

If you’re sick of and tired of living in emotional fight-or-flight with an un-amplifiable light, read.this.post.

If you’re hungry enough for a change, this post WILL reignite that light.

It’s up to you what you want to do with that reignited light. YOU get to decide if you want to continue to allow your belief system to dim it, along with emotionally vampiric and toxic people.

The feedback I revived from my last post inspired to me go deeper. So, last week, I started drafting a list of concise, to-the-point, transformative and POWERFUL rules that have worked for me. These rules will literally allow you to take back the pen, run out of f*cks to give, reclaim your power and call your own shots – relationally, professionally and in life.

Here’s how to get what you want in relationships, business & life:

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I’m traveling right now for work – meetings for an upcoming project and my book, working with clients, 3 speaking engagements and ending it in Vegas tomorrow to support my girlfriend and business partner, Bijouterie, at a jewelry convention where the line that we collaborated on will be featured. 6 cities total. Nonstop, until… I was stopped in my emotional tracks yesterday by a question that I was asked during an interview: “What’s the worst piece of advice you’ve ever been given?” This got me thinking about the lessons I’ve learned, the questions you guys have asked me here on the blog and social media, and just how.many.things I wish I could tell my younger self.

I thought for a moment and then, without hesitation… “The worst piece I’ve ever received is: ‘It’s not that simple.'” 

The thing is, it really IS that simple.

The most destructive addiction we engage in, is our addiction to complication. I say “most destructive,” because the tendency we have to unnecessarily complicate the sh*t out of everything is the most effective fertilizer for all other addiction.

Complication = Problems. And Problems = Valid License Renewal of DOUBT, FEAR and being totally JUSTIFIED in contributing to your own devolution.

The more complicated everything is, the more overwhelmed, claustrophobic and imprisoned we feel. This leads to emotional constipation, which makes us seek out a quick-fix, an emotional laxative in the name of f*cktard partners, opinions and advice from everyone under the sun, bad decisions, more addiction, contradiction, validation seeking and feeling like we have no other choice but to wash, rinse & repeat all of the above.

We wonder why we keep engaging in the same patterns – different people, same result – when really, we just keep complicating. We philosophize the sh*t out of everything until we become so emotionally drained/exhausted, not only are we (understandably) unable to move, evolve and grow,  but we overvalue the crumbs from others out of self-inflicted starvation.

We feel like life’s unfortunate puppet when in reality, we’re essentially manifesting our own misery and dis-ease.

I used to create so much unnecessary drama out of things that I was convinced, were major issues. Eventually, these things always passed and I’d forget about them as soon as the next wave hit.

As long as I had complication in my life, I didn’t have to take action and had a valid license to complain. I couldn’t commit to myself (only to unavailable lovers & friends), and because I felt so deprived and drained, I’d emotionally thrill seek in the name of allowing others to dictate my value, identity and worth.

I want to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned and also, answer a few questions readers have asked about 2 things that I wish I would have started sooner: My diet and workout routine.

Advice is obviously always easier to give than to receive, but the realization of how much I’ve unnecessarily complicated my life in the past, inspired me to share some of the lessons I’ve learned.

Here are 20 lessons I’ve learned + your beauty, booty & diet questions answered:

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I’ve struggled HARD and still, to this day, struggle with abandonment issues.

Just like with emotional unavailability, narcissism, gas lighting, empathetic bankruptcy, codependency, etc…. When you understand what abandonment issues are, you’re then able to identify if you have them and/or if someone that you’re in a relationship with has them.

And just like that… ALL the dots suddenly CONNECT. Everything makes so.much.more.SENSE. 

I never know when the wave of activation is going to hit, or what exactly is going to trigger my fear of abandonment. It might be a song, a sound, a relationship, a laugh, a piece of lingerie, a certain shade of lipstick, a circumstance, an event, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee, a cigar or cologne. It could be just about anything… And the wave comes crashing.

I’m all of a sudden, treading water for dear life without remembering how to swim; trying to hang onto whatever (or whoever), is left from the wreckage (and then tying my worth to being unable to keep us BOTH afloat).

The common denominator of abandonment issues is loss.

Although each and every one of us has experienced loss, we all process loss differently. Our own unique coping mechanism is formed depending on how young and impressionable we were during the first time a monumental loss came knocking at our door.

The reason why so many people struggle with fear of abandonment, is because its origins are always at the time in which we were voiceless, powerless and the most malleable: Our childhood. 

There’s nothing black and white about abandonment issues. You may not be able to even pinpoint any specific abandonment. You could have grown up in the most intact, put-together, antithesis-of-a-modern-family household, and have more fear of abandonment than someone whose parents physically abandoned them.

Although my parents never physically abandoned me, they got divorced and remarried, which triggered massive fear of abandonment in me. I’m also an emotional orphan; one of my parents unintentionally abandoned me emotionally and looking back, I mourned their emotional death by trying to resurrect them through romantic partners who were JUST AS unavailable/reluctant, for far too long.

This doesn’t mean that I have bad parents or that I’m unjustified in fearing abandonment. It just means that I have a scar from a wound – a scar that is still very sensitive and I think, to an extent, always will be. And that’s okay.

Awareness has definitely deactivated a great deal of the sensitivity.

Abandonment issues can come from ANY kind of loss that at the time, was heavier than what your emotional carrying/processing capacity could accommodate.

It could be growing up with parents who excelled at giving attention in one way, but were neglectful in another way, having emotionally unavailable and/or narcissistic parents/caregivers, experiencing death, being rejected by friends, coaches or teachers at school, not being chosen, being emotionally abandoned/orphaned by someone you trusted or who was a parental figure, etc.

Not everyone who has experienced loss, rejection and abandonment will have abandonment issues that hinder and often paralyze their emotional functionality when triggered. Symptoms of abandonment issues will vary a great deal.

I still struggle to this day with my fear of abandonment, but because of my awareness and ability to communicate my vulnerabilities (both to myself and if need be, to others), there’s space around my trigger. I’ve quit shaping my identity around my fear. I’ve forgiven my past “abandoners,” and also, I’ve forgiven myself for revisiting the scene of the emotional crime time and time again through past friendsh*ts and relationsh*ts.

As a result, I’m no longer ruled by my past, fearful of my future or hungry for a parent to emotionally walk with me when they’ve proven that there is a handicap. A handicap that was there before I even came into the picture.

When triggered, I no longer regress back to the emotional paralysis of the age in which I had my first taste of abandonment. I no longer look for lovers and friends to give to me what was withheld at some point in my childhood and I no longer give to others what was withheld from me, in hope of reciprocation that never comes.

Why?

I’m my own soulmate, my own best friend and there isn’t a person out there who could ever understand or take care of me better than I do myself (to the right lover and friends, this is an attractive trait because they possess the same trait. Anyone else will either be incompatible, “hate,” or be passive aggressive in their reactions toward your energy because they’re intimidated).

Because of this, I do lack quantity as far as relationships in my life go, but the QUALITY is magical. It’s beyond what words could ever convey.

YES – I still struggle with an intense fear of abandonment, but I no longer have a front row seat to my fears. It’s so much further away nowadays. I’m in like the nosebleed seats.

And that healthy distance, that knowingness that I am not my scar (nor does ANYone notice my scar as much as I do), has disabled these 10 symptoms of abandonment issues that I used to embody.

Here are 10 symptoms of abandonment issues + what to do if the fear of abandonment is crippling your relational, emotional and psychological evolution.

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about deception, the conflicting feelings associated with being lied to and how when trust is broken in a relationship, although it’s totally not okay…

 Is it EVER repairable? 

Trust is the foundation for every solid, healthy, mutual and enviable relationship out there. And it’s taken me so much time, heartbreak, failure and humiliation to realize that if you don’t have trust in your relationship, there will never be an actual relationship, only the idea of one.

Without trust… Passion, meaning, intimacy and connection cannot exist, no matter what you do or how enthusiastically you search for it with no pants on.

And without all that, what do you really have other than relationsh*t status, limbo land HELL? 

Stagnation, emotional constipation and Too Scared to Flush Syndrome begin to take over, through gradual infiltration. We usually confuse the emotional paralysis that we’re experiencing with “being committed,” “in love,” “not being selfish for once,” “weathering the storm,” “not giving up or quitting,” etc., when really, we’re just a not-so-undercover (or cute) doormat; an ATM for excuses without an ounce of dignity left in our emotional bank.

When trust is broken in a relationship, the foundational crack that is that lack of trust, immediately becomes the ONLY thing that needs to be focused on or else, the house comes crashing down.

If you don’t have your health, it doesn’t matter if you have all the intelligence, money, degrees, looks, wardrobe, charisma, charm and opportunity in the world, right?

TRUST is the definition of optimal relational health. If you don’t have it, NOTHING.else.matters.

It doesn’t matter how amazing all of the surrounding factors are, how mind-blowing the sex is or how enticing the potential.

Where there is an absence of trust, there’s an absence of reality (and an abundance of  “pulling-the-wool-over-your-own-eyes-in-hope-of-the-toad-turning-into-a-prince,” delusion).

And where there’s an absence of reality… there’s an absence of a real relationship.

Trust is the nucleus, the “control center,” of all relational cells. And yes, just like there are relationships, friendships and even marriages that exist without trust, there ARE cells that exist without a nucleus – these are very basic, simple cells known as bacteria. Bacterial cells need absolutely nothing to thrive and multiply other than an unhealthy, toxic environment. The relational equivalent to a bacterial cell is known as that thing your relationship became once the trust was broken: A relationsh*t. 

Deception of any kind robs your relationship of having the nucleus it needs to live a quality, healthy, functional, rewarding and everlasting life.

But, I have to admit… It’s really easy to sit here and type away about how any hint of deception should never be tolerated and that when trust is broken in a relationship, you need to immediately bounce and never look back.

It’s not so easy when you’re in the thick of it, being lied to by the one person who you wanted so desperately to be “it;” the one who you can’t help but see all the good in – the person who has your heart. 

The only person you ever trusted with not breaking it.

What do you do when trust is broken in a relationship?

How do you proceed when your gut senses deception that directly contradicts with what your heart wants?

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