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Hiiii. I’m finally back in LA… rested and recharged. Like I said, while I was away, I had a lot of time to think. The resort had nothing around it… like, at all (and that’s exactly how I wanted it 🙂 ). It’s just what I needed and was one of those trips where when I left, I knew that I’d never be the same.

Over the week, I did a lot of yoga a lot of meditation and gave a lot of thanks for the relationships that I now have in my life because I used to have hardly any relationships to be thankful for. Every relationship was a varying degree of misery and always had some kind of hurt, some kind of injustice and some kind of drama attached to it. I blamed myself, but also victimized myself at the same time. It was insane.

And with all that time I had to think this last week, I looked back at how my friendships and romantic relationships have evolved over the years and gone from: constant drama, mind games, never feeling secure, never being satisfied, perpetual disappointment, heartbreak, never getting my expectations met, FBI-“gotcha”-style stalking/snooping (that was always justified and necessary duhhhhh) and major validation seeking to… solid, peaceful, fulfilling, and content relationships.

This got me thinking about standards and how much of a role setting my own standards has had in transforming my relationships.

So how do you set your own standard? How do you become the conductor of your own life, call your own shots and actually feel GOOD about it instead of being an insecure, lonely girl that’s more dependent on having “haters,” enemies, and a negative/skeptical audience to “prove wrong,” than her own self motivation, esteem and love?

How do we set our own standards?

This is what you need to grasp…

F*ck fear. I remember being in relationships where I knew it was over, I knew I was miserable, I knew he was never going to change and wasn’t right for me, but I was scared and you know, I would rather have been in the miserable relationship with him than be alone (again), in an even more miserable and toxic relationship: the one I had with myself.

You need to know when to peace the F out. At what point do you get up and walk? At what point have you had enough and actually act on it? Where do you draw the line? Were does the mother f-ing buck finally stop? Ask yourself these questions, find the answers, and stick to them. You’re not a rebellious child that’s sh*tty their pants without a diaper on, you’re a capable adult that’s using .00000001% of the power that she has.

In the past, I’ve been so desperate to keep someone in my life that I was willing to compromise my standards. Lame, I know. But we all are guilty of it. 

When I think of the begging and the humiliation, my heart breaks because I kept fighting for a relationsh*t that I KNEW was pointless. It’s like I had a block of cheese that CLEARLY went bad and was furry moldy, but I was so hungry, I ate the cheese and convinced myself (and tried to convince everyone around me lol), that the mold was actually a good source of probiotics, as I was gagging and crying eating it.

I didn’t know how to leave or set standards because each relationsh*t had robbed me of my strength, my ability to trust my gut and my security. All of that compounded with each heartbreak. I soon found myself WAY too excited over stuff as dumb as a text back.

Continuing to claim rain when you’re getting pissed on just so you don’t have to be alone will kill your spirit and guarantee that you remain in stagnation. 

Understand the urgency. You must set your own standards for how you are treated. Instead of becoming a Pity Polly, own what you need to work on you and realize that it’s insane to expect others to see in you what you don’t even see in yourself.

Take no responsibility. Stop, I repeat stop taking responsibility for other people’s behavior.

Be the best soul sister to yourself. When you have your own back, you’re automatically setting your own standards and that not only builds self esteem, but it protects you from continuing to engage in relationsh*ts.

Put an end to the patterns. If you keep talking to and trying to be friends with someone, trying to change someone and bending over backwards to please someone that doesn’t value you, you need to ask yourself why.

Set your own standards. You want to be treated with honesty, love, respect and value?  Treat yourself with honesty, love, respect and value.

You can claim that you love and respect yourself all you want, but if you REALLY loved yourself, were honest with yourself and valued yourself, you would not be drawn to people of the emotionally unavailable species like a moth to a flame.

Stop acting in certain ways to elicit the reaction or behavior that you want to see out of someone. I can’t tell you how much time and energy I’ve wasted doing stupid things that didn’t matter just to get the reaction or outcome that I wanted. Even if you do get the exact outcome that you want… you’ll know deep down that it’s fake and you’ll remember all of the work that you had to do to get it and THAT will eat away at you and cause resent .

You shouldn’t have inadvertently & passively bully people into acting with respect.

When you begin to set your own standards, you’ll feel less crazy because you’ll be coming from a place of solidity as opposed to a place of insecure people pleasing and suffocating others with your need for them to rescue you.

Commit to setting the standard first for how you treat you. If you do that and do it for reals, others will notice your standards by default and treat you accordingly. You won’t have to advertise them.

You can never go wrong with being kind to and sticking up for you. Ever.

x Natasha

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14 comments

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Hi Natasha. I’ve been reading and re reading your blog every day for the past 2 months and it’s been so helpful. I love your outfit and those shoes! omg i die. This post really hit me where I needed to be hit. Thank you for all you do. Thank you thank you thank you!!

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Thanks babe 🙂

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Just when I start fixing for some guidance/inspiration you post a new blog. Definitely guilty of taking responsibility for other peoples behavior. However, through your amazing blog – I am slowly transforming myself. Glad you had a relaxing getaway. Great job as always Natasha! You should start taking your show on the road. 🙂

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Hi Heidi 🙂 I can’t tell you how happy that makes me; I’ll never be able to thank you enough. You have the power. You got yourself here – you can get yourself out. All of the answers lie within you. I am so proud of you. Thanks! I would love to do that; I’m working on it 😉 xo

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This post is everything! My ex reached out to me for the first time in almost 7 months last night. I ignored the call and immediately went to your blog to reinforce my decision. I’ve never felt so powerful and strong. Natasha, for so many months I dreamt about him reaching out and when he finally did last night, I remembered your words and now i’m so proud of myself for doing that, I will never go back to the weak and insecure girl that I was. I’m setting my own standards. Thanks girlie

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Hi Jess! Proud of you. You go girl xx

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I read this last night and shared it on my gno group on Facebook. You need to be touring and speaking all around the world. Your writing so so powerful and empowering. So proud to be your friend and so proud of you. I really loved this one

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xx

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I needed this! Thank you!

Your loyal reader,
Max

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🙂 Thank YOU!

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I keep repeating by saying how beautiful your posts are. These one is really beautiful, touching and again makes you think about things. Self-reflection time, again… This one moved me deeply Natasha, the way you write, explain things is simply touching, you can’t imagine how much I enjoyed and enjoy reading your posts. It is my daily mental healing exercise…. Please keep on writing xxxx

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Hi Shahane,

You brought me to tears. Thank you so, so much. I promise to keep writing. I’m not going anywhere. xxxx

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Dear Natasha
I have been reading many blogs over the past few months but nothing could touch me the way yours did.
I am going through a confusing relationship and your blog helped me to uunderstand what is really happening in my life and what I am going through..
When I read your blogs I feel like I am reading my story…
I read them over and over as it helps me to be focused and do the right thing by me and not get carried away in the process.
I cannot thank you enough!
Lots of love xx
Take care

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Donna, I cannot thank YOU enough. Truly. Your comment made me cry tears of such immense gratitude and appreciation. Thank you for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xx

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