We all face relationship problems with ourselves and others. For me, the hardest of all the relationship problems to tackle has been building my mental strength after a breakup. Resisting the temptation to reach out, stalk, obsess, “get answers to,” etc., has always been
difficult impossible for me to do.
Even to this day, guys I swear – I’m really happy – I feel good, I’m at peace and yup… after all these years, I will still sometimes Google an old ex or look them up on social media. I’ve told you this before, the emperor is really naked over here. No clothes. The only difference now is that I hardly ever do anything like that and when I do, there isn’t any pain or desire tied to it in regard to the other person and I don’t feel bad about myself any longer. I’m indifferent. Sometimes when my emotions are compromised, I stalk my way into the past to try to recreate feelings. It happens. I’m human, I’m fallible and guess what? It’s normal.
I’m not here to tell you to stop feeling the way you’re feeling and doing what you’re doing. Even with the highest levels of self esteem and boundaries, I think that some of it is just impossible to avoid. And that’s OKAY.
So how do you tackle the black belt level of relationship problems?
How do you build your mental strength and avoid looking like a sh*tbat psycho banshee (instead of the one that got away)? How do you actually stop staring at the pretty blue light, cut the cord, unplug from the bs and quit the FBI-investigatory-stalking for good? Can you reclaim you sanity, respect and power (even though you miss him and can’t stop thinking about every happy move he’s making without you in his life)??
Looking back, after every past breakup of mine, the pain of: trying to passively get his attention, incessantly checking to see if I had been replaced, counting down the minutes that had gone by since we had last spoken, resisting the urge to call, text, “like,” “comment,” etc., was actually more grueling and painful than the pain I felt in missing my ex.
I was exhausted and depleted. Any relationship problems that I faced in the past seemed like nothing compared to the agony I was facing after the breakup. I was my own worst enemy.
Every minute of my day was devoted to either obsessing about my ex, our relationship problems, fighting every urge to connect in some way or daydreaming about how it would all go down when I ran into him next (which for some reason always included me looking completely different and rejuvenated, my boobs being 2 cup sizes bigger and Leo DiCaprio casually walking with his arm around me at the grocery store. Nothing grandiose or anything).
It was like I was preparing for mortal combat 24/7 and putting myself through the most f*cked up boot camp of all time – a self inflicted prison.
We convince ourselves that we need to keep engaging so that we can “move on,” instead of being real and owning the fact that we’re doing this because we’re triggered.
If you’re devoting every second of your time to obsessing about a disconnected person that broke your heart, you clearly won’t have any time (or energy) to heal and begin to move on.
Every time that I tried no contact after a breakup, it was an epic fail. Not because the dude was THAT special but because my self esteem was THAT nonexistent.
I’m telling you, I’ve never been f*cked over by anyone in my life more than I have by my own self.
The whole point of not being in contact with your ex after a breakup is not so you can count down every second that you’re not in contact. It’s so you can heal and prove to yourself that you can resist the urges.
Eliminate all possibilities for contact that you have control over. Every time you want to reach out to your ex, come over here to the blog; comment or read a post and I promise you – the days and weeks will start to add up. Some days will be more painful than others but remember, you’re not alone. You’re part of a tribe here and you’re in really badass company. You’re supported.
Yes you’ll still be hurting, but if you…
- Identify your relationship problems by taking accountability and acknowledging what you need to
- Mourn the death of the person that you thought existed
- Make a decision
- Validate that decision by sticking to it
- Surround yourself with those that support your decision and most importantly, support YOU
…You’ll find yourself feeling better and reaching indifference.
I introduced this term I made up – pain contractions – a few posts ago. Pain contractions are very real. You’ll always be in some level of pain post breakup, but then something will come along and you’ll be hurting so much, the only thing you’ll feel like you can do to remedy the pain is stalking, reaching out, or connecting in some way, any way, with your ex. When you’re feeling a pain contraction, know that it’s just that – a contraction. And contractions, in both childbirth and pain, eventually pass. It is in the pain contractions that we lose our minds and end up justifying why we should act out in crazy ways that end up doing nothing but hurting and embarrassing us further.
I couldn’t just stop the stalking and obsessing but I could take baby steps in starting to believe that I deserved better and that I would never be on my deathbed one day wishing I had spent more time researching the cousin of the sorority sister of some chick on Instagram that I didn’t even know.
Realize that when you decide to jump off the hamster wheel for good, you will get a little beaten and bruised and it is really scary, but at least you’ll be off.
If he was worthy of your investigations, you wouldn’t have to investigate in the first place.
Fix the relationship problems with yourself first. Make a decision, stick by it and make sure that you have the support system to cheer you on (you have that here!!).
I promise, it will begin to feel less like your putting yourself through unbearable punishment and more like your actually starting to live the life you were destined to.
As one of my favorites, Tony Robbins says…
“It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.”
+ another helpful post: Daddy Issues: 15 Signs You May Have Them & Why