Let’s talk about rebound relationships. You know, that thing you’ll never label your ex as being in. Why? Because you’re more comfortable convincing yourself that he’s a changed, selfish-no-more, emotionally available, empathetic prince, that is now with a new/hot/cool girl who’s everything you never were. He’s doing everything with her that he wouldn’t do with you, no matter how hard you tried.
Once understood and identified, rebound relationships will actually help you get over your ex, your breakup, and your heartbreak – much faster than trying to stalk, obsess, drink, hot-selfie post and gossip your way out of it, ever will.
After breaking up, the next step is moving on. You may have even gotten to the point where you start to feel yourself getting better, thinking about him every few hours instead of every.single.f*cking.second. And then…
You find out from a mutual friend that he’s moved on. This can’t be real.
It’s not a race but it feels like he just won. He beat you to it. All the “progress” that you convinced yourself you made is long gone and you’re left feeling like an un-sexy, unwanted, and forgettable fool. You start bracing yourself for the inevitable proposal that was supposed to be yours.
But maybe, this could actually be a good thing…. You heard me. Maybe the joke’s on him, karma is slowly kicking in, and he’s in the biggest relationship joke of all: the rebound.
What exactly are rebound relationships?
What are the 5 main signs that your ex is in a rebound relationship?
And why are rebound relationships the ultimate fail?
Let’s find out…
What exactly are rebound relationships and why are we so hesitant to label our ex as being in one?
Rebound relationships are a specific type of relationship that forms quickly after a breakup. They are generally with someone that your ex claims to be serious with, committed to, “seeing a future” with, loyal to, and emotionally invested in.
Rebound relationships are adult security blankets composed of 0% cotton and 100% self-serving avoidance of guilt, confrontation, responsibility, and reality.
Rebound relationships are nothing more than distractions. Period. The reason that they usually result in an epic fail is because of the very distraction they provide. As long as you’re “distracted,” you never get to emotionally heal, deal, and ultimately… better yourself by learning from your mistakes and evolving. You’re still the same toxic victim in the same toxic relationship, no matter who you’re with. This is how negative patterns are developed and why people keep dating different people but the same type of person (and keep getting the same result).
The reason why we are so hesitant to label our ex as being in a rebound relationship is because we are vulnerable and our happiness has been taken away. It then becomes so much easier to subscribe to the story that he’s a new and improved, emotionally available man, who is in a better relationship, with a better girl.
All the insecurities that his behavior activated now seem valid. So why NOT believe that he’s happy? It gives you a license to continue to remain invested through closeted and humiliating means. This does nothing but further demolish your confidence and value.
If you are now beginning to think, “My ex is in a rebound relationship”…
Here are the 5 signs that he’s in one:
- He started the relationship before he ended it (or as he was ending it) with you.
- If it’s been a relatively short amount of time (it’s all relative, but I like to say three months or less), since the breakup/last time he spoke with you… It’s highly likely that this is a relationship of the rebound species. The faster he moves on after the breakup, the more in denial, avoidant, and hurt he was (and is). If he starts dating someone new right away, it’s an immediate cop-out from accountability and from having to explain to everyone why he’s still single. It saves him from having to explain to everyone why he has yet another failed relationship under his belt. It also provides a distraction from having to think about you, from having to be accountable, and from having to talk about you to inquiring family and friends. Think about it – because he’s dating someone else, he doesn’t have to explain to anyone why it didn’t work out with you (and generally, guys like this are so narcissistic, they don’t like having to view or talk about themselves/their actions in a negative way).
- Even if he doesn’t directly flaunt his new relationship, he makes it known on social media that he’s happy/changed/succesful/”busy,” etc. This is nothing more than attention mongering and chain yanking at its finest. It’s an attempt to see if he can still elicit a reaction out of you. If you freak out and start texting him, it does nothing but inflate his ego and make him feel like less of an a**hole for the breakup (because if he truly screwed you over/broke your heart, you throwing a fit because he’s with someone new translates to him that you still care. And if you still care, it means that he can’t be that bad of a guy because if he was really that bad… you wouldn’t be giving him the time of day or, giving a sh*t about who he’s now giving his time to). It also affirms that he has made the right decision by breaking up with you.
- Friends/family/coworkers are surprised that he’s in a new relationship already.
- The new girl is vastly different from you. This proves the whole distraction factor even more.
Why do rebound relationships fail?
Rebound relationships fail because no evolution or change takes place on his end. No healing, no dealing. It’s hard to form a mutual, genuine, connected, and long-term relationship with someone where the relationship was either built on deception or has happened directly after a previous relationship has ended.
If he was a selfish, emotionally unavailable partner with you and he’s now dating someone after you’ve broken up…
You can bet he’s still the same guy with her – no matter what he posts on social media. And it doesn’t matter how amazing she is either. Ultimately, no one can make anyone change out of being who they are at the core.
I know it’s hard, but him moving on has absolutely nothing to do with you. The reason that it feels like it’s all about you is because you’re tying your value to his actions and inactions. You keep looking to him for validation. Just because he’s made the decision to date someone new, that decision doesn’t devalue who you are. Someone else’s decisions and your value are two separate entities; completely independent of one another.
You’re giving this guy too much credit. He clearly didn’t put you on the forefront of his decision making while you were in a relationship, so why are you assuming that he’s going to make all of his post-relationship decisions with your feelings in mind?
He is just as validation hungry as you are. Except, he needed a quick distraction from having to address his own issues. So, he started to look for someone else to fool. Instead of dealing with his emotions in a healthy way and taking the time to emotionally heal and deal, he chose to get involved in a rebound relationship because that’s what narcissistic, emotionally disconnected guys who are incapable of empathy DO. You chose to rise above the bs.
So what do you do now? You stay on your white horse, choose to reside in a state of non-reactivity, and get out of the compare game. I know it’s hard.
This new fling will not work out because he is still the disconnected guy that he was before you, with you, and that he’s continuing on to be. This is who he is. It doesn’t matter how amazing of a girl you think he’s with or how convinced you are that he has really moved on and changed. He hasn’t.
Go about your business and do your thing. Don’t give in to the urge to gossip to friends, analyze the crap out of what’s going on or contact him and play into the “desperate ex” part that he’s so certain you’re going to play, his ego has already written the part for you.
Let him have his victim card. Don’t get preoccupied with being “right,” “heard,” “chosen,” or “winning.” If he treated you with an absence of respect, decency, loyalty, love, and value… believe me when I say that there is absolutely nothing to “win.”
Every time you miss him, come here to the blog. Even if he get’s married tomorrow – none of it is an indicator of a changed and evolved person. If that were the case, there would be no divorces in the world.
Change and evolution take time – time that you’re not willing to waste by waiting around.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.