Passionate relationships. Why do we always have them with the wrong partners? At one point in my life, it seemed like passion could not exist without a toxic partner who I never felt like I fully “had.”

We all want a passionate relationship and are on an eternal search for that ovulating-at-first-glance, fire-igniting, electric, effortless, can’t-sit-across-from-each-other-at-dinner-because-I-just-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off, firework-starting, baby-making, 50-Shades-of-Grey-shaming passion.

You know how there are people who are thrill seekers? They’ve skydived everywhere, climbed Mt. Everest, scaled buildings, ate bugs, dived off of cliffs into water that they didn’t know the depth of, hand-glided over hungry tigers in Africa, swam with sharks, climbed volcanos, bungee jumped from the highest elevation, dived into a crowd of drunk people and have basically done everything that no amount of drugs, diapers, or money could inspire me to even think about doing. These people are adrenaline junkies.

I used to be a passion junkie. I talk about my former passionate relationship addiction like passion itself is a drug because to me, it was. And now I’m clean. I’ve been clean off of my passionate relationship addiction for years now.

I always thought those thrill-seeking adrenaline junkies were out of their minds until I took a hard look at myself. I thought that being a passion junkie was okay because at least I wasn’t addicted to anything that was risking my life. All I wanted was true love. How bad could that be?

What I didn’t know at the time was that my addiction was risking my emotional life.

It wasn’t a passionate relationship I needed to give up on.

It was how I defined passion.

If you’re in a relationship where you feel intense passion between the two of you, but there are these little issues of him lying to you, cheating on you, not respecting you, and always having just one foot in… that’s not passion. That’s you defining passion as inconsistency that you need to be “good enough” to make consistent.

I used to have this grand expectation of having passion all the time. This was not only exhausting but it was unrealistic. Yes, chemistry and sex are obviously important but I don’t spend my entire day trying to reenact scenes from romance novels any longer.

Valuing me, being there for me, matching your words with your actions (character and integrity), supporting me…. THAT stuff gets me going now. It’s much easier to work on ramping up the more superficial aspects than taking on the impossible task of trying to change a sh*tty person out of being who they are.

Looking back, most of the “passion” that I felt with certain guys came from the drama, mixed signals, and never knowing where I stood with them. It made me feel alive and I realized that I was more comfortable in a dynamic of unknown and having to perform because I grew up around a lot of chaos.

If you took away all of the good looks that will inevitably fade with time, it’s really just sex with someone that doesn’t care to know your worth or get to know you. Most of the time I created the “passion” in my own imagination. I created the story in my head. I inflated the f*ck out of these guys, put them on a pedestal, and my value came from extracting validation that they were only capable of giving a drop of. It then became a game of how I could keep this poor but “passionate” relationship afloat.

Passion is important, but there are no healthy relationships out there where “passion” is the highest priority and only characteristic of the relationship. I’m not saying to discard passion, keep it on the table of course. Just don’t overvalue it and most importantly, don’t discard yourself.

Take it from me and my mistakes: You won’t find true passion and joy by doing the same thing you’ve been doing. Take a risk, not on a toxic person that you have to wonder if he/she will text you back. Take a real risk on someone who treats you as well.

Yes, I am in love with and passionate about who I’m dating, but I’m also really passionate about my friends, my family, myself, my work, health, goals, and so much more.

Like attracts like. You attract what you exude. Become passionate about and like yourself first. It will not only fix the “must find passionate relationship now” dialogue in your head, telling you passion equals pain and confusion, but it will allow you to get passionate about other aspects of your life. And that is the most attractive quality – having a life outside of someone else.

Once I started to treat myself better, I stopped being a passion seeker. Those few minutes of empty passion weren’t as exciting to me any longer because I knew I deserved a lifetime of it.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

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11 comments

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Natasha this is amazing. Soon helpful and so insightful. We all need to hear this more often. Girl you are on fire

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I keep wanting to comment on every post saying “This one is my favorite!” Because they all are so amazing! Your blog is the best blog out there for all women! This post is so spot on with everything in my life.

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You and me both!

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I have repeatedly wanted my life to be sex and the city. For Big, that stupid asshole, to come in his sexy tuxedo, with his sexy tone, a sexy cigar in his mouth, and come sweep me off my feet.

I connected so much with this post, because I so entirely sought out this man who I thought I wanted, because of the hot passion we would create between us.. But it was wrong everywhere else. I always thought it was about first attraction and that is SO WRONG. It can be but shit that’s a dime a dozen. Where was this advice when I wasted 3 years in stupid exes that I did everything to hold onto!?

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“PASSION IS NEVER DEFINED AS BEING TREATED POORLY” going to print that and put it on my wall!!

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This is my achilles heel – mr heartbreak was the most passionate lover (at first) ever and I kept wanting to go back to that passion he threw down the first couple months. But he can’t maintain intimacy for too long with anyone (45 years old and never had a relationship longer than 1.5 years except w/a married person he slept with for 5 years because that works for him) he is so devoid of empathy he even admitted he was “stunted” but right after uttering those words pulled me in with his touch and masculine power and fuckin head trips. I didn’t listen because I wanted that passion like nothing else at the price of my self respect- beautiful man, the best clothes, more shoes than me, moto guzzi driving – sexy sexy man and I just lost myself in it. He seemed to have depth at first and passion for lots of things but as I got to know him more I see that there is nothing behind the illusion of those things but why I’m I in such pain? I packed this man’s entire apartment for him when he was at work and had to move on the fly and I cried the entire time because he had not been intimate with me for awhile because he said “he wasn’t feeling it.” He has issues for days and in the red flags article there are a couple including childhood trauma – if someone is not willing to work on their issues it’s never going to work for the relationship especially when they say “this is how I am this is how I will always be and you can’t change me.” Well there it is…I hope I get over this pain fast and I hope I never have another encounter with an emotionally unavailable, emotionally stunted, emotionally inept man ever again…ever

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I could not agree with you more. People can’t help but communicate who they are. You deserve so much more. Be thankful that you saw the red flags. xoxo

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Eva, this is astonishing – this is exactly what I am currently getting myself out of, except that I am 65 years old and have been in this mess for four years! Intensely passionate at first, had also never had a long-standing committed relationship since his divorce, always sought out married women (even SAID they were ‘less trouble’!), never made any emotional connection, never introduced me to his son or granddaughter, never phoned, always texted, admitted having issues but said he’d tried to work on them but it had been too difficult… the list goes on and on. Even the passion cooled eventually but I was never told why. Said he was comfortable but if I wasn’t happy I should be the one to leave. (On the plus side, he was very empathetic about any of my concerns that were not related to the relationship, very kind and generous to a fault – a real FWB). It has been amazingly difficult to extricate myself – at my age it’s also hard to imagine being alone for ever, so I kept making compromises. But I’m getting there! You will leave it all behind one day, as I know I will.

Natasha, your posts are incredibly helpful and spot on – thank you. Keep them coming! I realise that it’s never too late to learn!

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Thank you so much Glenda! 🙂 XOXO

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This is so very much relatable. Thank you for this article, you have helped shed light on this confusing situation I’m in. Thanks for sharing 6

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🙂 happy it helped! You are never alone.

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