Accepting the words “I’m sorry” and understanding true forgiveness have always been really tricky (“tricky” meaning impossible) things for me.

Forgiveness always seemed like something other people could achieve; never me. It was something that I just couldn’t grapple.

I would say “I forgive you” because I wanted to be like Oprah. I wanted to be all zen and I promise you, I really wanted to forgive, I just didn’t know how. I wanted to appear¬†like a forgiving person.

I would always, ultimately find¬†myself stuck – still hurt, stillllll holding a grudge and even more angry with myself because I said “I forgive you,” prematurely.¬†I lost respect for myself.

“How can you just¬†forgive certain things?” I thought. “There’s just no way. Not with some¬†things.”

I was envious of everyone that could just forgive at be at peace. Me? no way Jose. If I was a superhero, my name would be “The Grudge Bearer.”

And then there’s the apology,¬†which is¬†a whole other beast: the “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me.”

Continue Reading

FILE THESE UNDER: Things that for the majority of my life, I was unable to do…

  • Stop looking back. Basically stop analyzing the crap out of the past – the shoulds, the coulds, the woulds. I found so much comfort in the past because as long as I could live in Past-ville, I had an excuse for not being in touch with reality and not actually¬†doing¬†anything. Taking action is difficult because it’s scary and it means that the past really is over and my past was so much more addictingly dramatic and painful¬†than the repetitive looping Vine video that my life had become.

As long as I lived, loved, obsessed and had a ph. D in the past, I was totally justified in talking a big game to everyone about how everything was so great and all of the exciting things I was accomplishing. In reality, I had nothing to show for it because I never really did anything. How could I? I was always exhausted from dwelling over a past that dictated my present.

  • Obsessing way too much/Having way too many f*ucks to give. You won’t meet a person that cared more than I did about what other people thought of me. I don’t even like to use the term “care,” it seems too casual in my case. I would let the actions and opinions of others dictate my mood, my health and my self esteem. Just like when you’re dating a guy or you have a friend that turns out to be super flakey but you really care about them and give them the benefit of the doubt and then one day you realize that this person has become¬†nothing more that a collage of excuses that you’ve made for them – I was a self-painted, self-constructed collage of the opinions of others. I felt lost and like any little breeze could¬†knock me down. In fear of getting labeled as “too sensitive,” I would internalize it all. I was the “wronged girl” in the movie¬†of my life, on an endless search to find “acceptance” and be universally liked.

Remember: “What other people think of you is none of your business.” – Paulo Coelho

FAST FORWARD TO NOW:¬†I’m so far from perfect that the words “far” and “perfect” shouldn’t be in the same sentence when describing me (or on the same page. or website.) BUT, I’m happier. I feel at peace. I sleep at night. I don’t obsess about stuff that happened yesterday, last year, in high school, etc. I have zero sh*ts to give. I’ve become friends with my old arch-enemy, the present.

So how do you do you get there?

Continue Reading

shop the look

The hardest thing to do when you’re in the midst of a breakup, going through drama¬†with friends, having disagreements with family or coworkers; are a hormonal mess, hate the world, want to tell everyone to refrain from doing absolutely anything but completely f*cking off, etc. is to stay on the white horse.

The white horse and I didn’t used to be friends.¬†I thought the white horse was stupid, weak and not even an option.

Now, the white horse and I are besties.

Continue Reading

So, you snooped. All the way through your boyfriend’s phone, his iPad, his laptop… everything.

Obviously, snooping isn’t the best thing to do. It’s a violation of privacy, trust and it isn’t morally right. If you snoop and you let your emotions associated with the information that you uncovered get the best of you, 10 times out of 10 you will be the one that ends up:

  • Looking/feeling crazy, angry & like a fool
  • Accused of having “major issues” and being told to “check yourself in” / “get help” (followed by a door slam or being hung up on, unfollowed on social media, sh*t talked about, etc.)
  • Abandoned and alone. Again.

Yes,¬†all of the above is definitely true, but we don’t give a f*ck, we snoop anyway. We snoop harder. We snoop smarter.¬†We have to.

Continue Reading

shop the look