Accepting the words “I’m sorry” and understanding true forgiveness have always been really tricky (“tricky” meaning impossible) things for me.
Forgiveness always seemed like something other people could achieve; never me. It was something that I just couldn’t grapple.
I would say “I forgive you” because I wanted to be like Oprah. I wanted to be all zen and I promise you, I really wanted to forgive, I just didn’t know how. I wanted to appear like a forgiving person.
I would always, ultimately find myself stuck – still hurt, stillllll holding a grudge and even more angry with myself because I said “I forgive you,” prematurely. I lost respect for myself.
“How can you just forgive certain things?” I thought. “There’s just no way. Not with some things.”
I was envious of everyone that could just forgive at be at peace. Me? no way Jose. If I was a superhero, my name would be “The Grudge Bearer.”
And then there’s the apology, which is a whole other beast: the “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me.”