In light of the holidays, I wanted to discuss the best gift you could ever give yourself this holiday season, new year, and all year round: Cutting people off who make you question your worth, lower your standards, and feel terrible.

Whether it’s with friends, an ex, or even family… Cutting people off is one of the most difficult things to do. Especially if we love the person and realize that we miss them while still being in a relationship with them. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever missed someone while you were still in a relationship or some kind of one-sided communication with them? This usually happens when the other person has unfolded, revealed who they really are, and because of that, all of the toothpaste has left the tube. There’s no way to put it back in and your gut knows the truth. Being selectively deaf and blind to your instinct is no longer an option because it’s the only thing that you have left to trust.

As far as cutting people off goes, I’m never going to insult your intelligence and tell you the types of people that you need to cut off. Your gut can sense a toxic person and a toxic relationship. If you feel emotionally drained, abused, manipulated, terrible about yourself, devalued, deceived, hard to love and respect, or like you need to lower your standards to be in a relationship with someone… You should consider cutting them off because their patterns have handed you the scissors.

When it comes to cutting people off, patterns are the best compass as far as how to proceed. Words mean nothing without action backing them up. And just like actions supersede words, patterns supersede action.

Everything you ever wanted to know about cutting people off can be found by examining their patterns. Actions are great and all but remember… ANYONE can do something chivalrous. Anyone can book a flight, buy a ring, send flowers, write a card or physically show up. Anyone can be sorry, but do their patterns show and translate genuine remorse? Taking a mental step back and looking at the bigger picture, at their patterns, will help you separate the emotional nostalgia that’s tied to their actions from the TRUTH of their patterns.

When it comes to cutting people off, for me personally…

The moment someone stops making me want to be better or their patterns show that they don’t want the best for me, I cut them off. I always want to be around people who raise the bar, challenge me, motivate me, value me, and make me want to be a better person.

When their patterns dictate that their ego matters more to them than I do or ever will, I cut them off.

Sometimes you can’t physically cut someone off – You have to work with them, go to school with them, or even worse, you are related to them. You can still cut them off emotionally. By implementing healthy boundaries, you can disallow them from permeating to the point of depletion.

Sometimes it’s clear and more black and white but other times, it’s not so clear. It gets foggy because it’s life. You may have a history with this person, an abundance of misdirected empathy to over-excuse because of what they may be going through, misunderstandings, miscommunications, etc. With cutting people off, you never want to do it prematurely or in a way that gives them the upper hand to toxic/crazy label you.

If you are thinking of cutting people off in your life, here’s how to do it with your dignity intact…

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A few weeks ago, I wrote a post – How to Be Happy Again After Being Cheated On. But what about trust? How do you even begin to rebuild a foundation that without its solidity, true love and happiness cannot exist? How do you reroute the circuitry that now automatically directs you to second-guessing before believing? How do you undo the triggers that give away these insecurities in the most disempowering ways and end up attracting more people who just take advantage of and doormat you? How do you get your power back? Learning how to trust again after heartbreak, betrayal, and being lied to is something that I’ve struggled with and still struggle with to this day. So, I asked my dear friend and PMS team member, Lorelle, to write another guest post to shed light on this. Lorelle, take it away…

I would bet money that not a single person reading this hasn’t had their trust broken, shattered, ripped at the seams or stretched so far it might not ever feel or look the same again.

The reason I’m so sure of this is because trust is what underpins our relationships. All of them. As we begin to know a person, and that relationship grows, trust also blossoms. Trust is like a seed – As it shoots up and becomes stronger, it begins to entwine the people in the relationship. This doesn’t happen overnight, and neither should it. Deep trust is shared and developed over time, not just given.

Trust makes us feel safe because it is like an insurance policy:

I trust you to love me,

 I trust you to be honest,

I trust you to look out for me,

 I trust you to take care of me if I am sick,

I trust you to keep your word,

I trust you to support me,

I trust you to stay in my life,

I trust you to be happy for me and have my best interests at heart,

I trust you to accept me as I am…

But how do you trust again – if a trust has been compromised?

How do you trust again – A PERSON who broke your trust?

How do you trust again – YOURSELF? Your judgment of others?

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The only thing that ever disempowered the bad luck and paralysis that my lack of confidence, relationsh*ts, heartbreak, and childhood trauma caused? Gratitude. 

Thankfulness is a feeling and gratitude is an action. To me, they are one and the same because if you truly feel thankful, you won’t be able to not act upon those feelings.

Gratitude naturally happens when thankfulness is felt.

I don’t like talking about gratitude because it seems so clichĂ©. I think the term is overused, outplayed, and in many ways, like forgiveness, it can have this stigma of being unattainably zen.

I can’t NOT talk about gratitude though. It saved my life.

Today is Thanksgiving and although it’s not celebrated everywhere in the world, this is the start of the holiday season. The holidays are great until they’re not. Yeah, it’s the best time of the year but it can also be the most painful.

Nothing activates your triggers and highlights your heartbreak, loneliness, single-status, insecurities, and dysfunction more than the holidays.

The holidays do a really good job of making us feel guilty for not responding to them in the merriest way possible.

If right now you feel hopeless, heartbroken, and like you have to pretend to be happy through this holiday season, you are not alone.

For this post, instead of writing a brand new one, I wanted to add to and update my post from last year with more thankful quotes of mine.

Here is a master list of thankful quotes I’ve put together from the years of writing about heartbreak during the holidays…

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“Will I ever find love?” is a question I get asked every day from people you would never in a million years guess they’d have any issue finding true love. These are people who have built incredible lives for themselves. They’re successful, have amazing friendships, and are ready to find the kind of love that makes all the heartbreak of the past seem worth it, instead of validating their fears on a daily basis.

With permission of the other party, I am including personal text messages of mine in this post because I will stop at nothing to help. I know this feeling of hopelessness all too well.

Whether you’re asking yourself “will I ever find love?” or “will I ever find love again?” feeling out of the loop is never fun. You go on social media and it’s always another happy family photo, an engagement announcement, romantic trip, baby announcement, your ex appearing to be a better person with a better person or another wedding that populates your feed (or if you’re stalking, your recent search list).

How did love seem to forget about you?  

Why does everyone else, who isn’t even a fraction as deserving and aware, get the happy ending that you want more than anything?

And because you’ve built a great life for yourself and have your sh*t together, it’s even more baffling.

Deep down, you know you’re a catch but you can only subscribe to that belief for so long before you start to question your worth, the point of life, and surrender to your solitude.

You then begin to doubt your own standards. Friends and family tell you that you’re too picky. Maybe you are, but you’d rather be alone than settle. Everything around you seems to affirm the impossibility of finding a loving relationship with an emotionally available partner who you actually connect with and are attracted to.

There isn’t some magic formula or answer to “will I ever find love?” For me, it took shifting my mindset and identifying the mistakes I was making more than it ever took implementing any kind of rule or technique. I didn’t feel like true love should have to come at the expense of my self-love.

No one wants to have to play games and withhold their own emotional abundance to momentarily attract it in a partner just because they are consciously limiting the supply.

I initially wanted to make this list about how to find love but then I remembered…

You could be fishing with the most expensive, top-of-the-line fishing equipment known to man and no matter how incredible the equipment is and how skilled you are at fishing…

If you’re trying to fish in a puddle, you’re never going to find anything other than bacteria and filth – No matter how much you believe that your skill and fine equipment will attract a whale. Whales don’t reside in puddles and puddles are so shallow, they don’t require fishing equipment.

It’s time to figure out why you’re in the puddle and get you back out to the coast.

 If you’re wondering “will I ever find love?” here are the 3 mistakes holding you back:

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