“How To Stop HATING Yourself…” Whoa. Slow down.

The title of this post sounds harsh to me no matter how many times I read it.

We grow up being told how hate is this strong, destructive, can’t-take-back, divisive and all-around wrong emotion to carry and channel toward others.

The devastating, “need-not-engage-in” consequences of hate, however, are never emphasized to us as children nearly as much when that hate is carried and directed toward the most undeserving of all: ourselves.

“Hate,” thus becomes this term/emotion that we more often than not, use to elicit a reaction OR… it elicits a debilitating amount of shame, grief, and guilt when we genuinely feel it – especially toward ourselves.

I have definitely hated myself.

I’ve hated myself emotionally, morally, relationally, physically, professionallysuperficially and substantially.

I was a nondiscriminatory hater – of myself and everyone around me who always got the things that I was never “good enough” to get, but that’s a whole other issue.

I committed emotional suicide years ago because of the hopelessness associated with that hate.

Hate is a funny thing. Just when you think that you really, REALLY hate yourself, you can still hate yourself some more. And as much as you try to brush it under the rug, the effects of self-hatred will always show up in your relationsh*ts, friendsh*ts, health, skin, familial relationships, (lack of) luck, and the overall level of toxicity in your life.

Hating yourself is okay. Really, I promise. Don’t punish yourself for it by engaging in relationsh*ts and allowing the feelings of defeat and shame associated with the hate to paralyze you like I did.

When you’re in a state of emotional paralysis, the only option is to hand YOUR pen for others to write YOUR story (in accordance with their needs and agenda).

If you totally hate yourself or if you just hate certain aspects of yourself right now at this very moment, guess what?

You’re normal. And you’re far from alone.

Most of your self-hatred is dependent upon how much trauma you’ve experienced and the degree to which that trauma has been acknowledged, processed and dealt with.

We waste so much time thinking that we’re the only ones or that there’s something seriously wrong with us because we full-on HATE certain aspects of who we are.

I would be lying if I said that there wasn’t a part of me that wanted to write “how to stop self-loathing,” instead of “how to stop hating yourself.” It just sounds so much more politically correct, but it isn’t real.

In fact, “how to stop hating yourself” is Google searched 10 times more every month than “how to stop self-loathing.”

We’ve all, at some point in our lives… Failed. Epically. We have failed ourselves and people we care about. We’ve stayed in relationsh*ts and friendsh*ts way past their expiration date and we’ve failed at achieving this emotional, relational and physical ideal that we all have (aka perfection – the lowest standard you can hold yourself to). There are also things that get under our skin that we wish didn’t; decisions we wish we could take back and the overpowering shame that our levels of insecurity freeze us into.

And we f*cking HATE ourselves for it.

We hate being a prisoner to our own self-hate.

The title of this post is “How To Stop Hating Yourself” because I didn’t have the space to write: “How to stop allowing your self-hatred to control, manipulate and take you down – ESPECIALLY after failures, breakups, death of a loved one, not being chosen, not winning, diagnoses, not doing your best, making epic mistakes, falling for your partner’s bs yet again, etc.” 

Here’s how to stop hating yourself; how to stop allowing that hate to infiltrate, control, manipulate and disable you from your innate badassery  – especially after failures & breakups.

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I’ll be the first person to say that I don’t believe in regret. I really don’t. But there are definitely things in my life that I deeply regret and think of often. I wish I knew how to get rid of the regret, but I don’t.

One thing I do know – I can’t be the girl who writes about how contradiction is the root of all misery and that everything happens for a reason while simultaneously contradicting myself.

Basically, It’s impossible for me to say that I don’t believe in regret – the same regret that frequently inhabits the majority of my emotional ecosystem.

So… I’m going to clarify.

I don’t believe in allowing regret + the shame, guilt, pain, and anger associated with it, to emotionally paralyze me.

If you’re in a state of emotional paralysis, it doesn’t matter how many self-help books you read or how much you physically move, you’ll always find yourself on a proverbial treadmill – running, sprinting, sweating and wearing yourself out but never actually getting anywhere.

You become stagnant and like I always say… there is nothing but death in stagnation.

We are wired to EVOLVE. Part of that evolution is about failing, taking things personally, caring what other people think and making choices that in hindsight, aren’t the best. Those things in an of themselves are not bad – What’s bad is if we don’t learn and evolve AS A RESULT.

For most of us, these choices end up eliciting a great deal of shame, guilt, regret and remorse that we allow to cremate and bury us instead of propelling us up and onward.

If we were genetically and emotionally engineered to be stagnant and stressed, we wouldn’t develop bedsores when staying in bed for prolonged periods. Consistent emotional dis-ease wouldn’t eventually manifest itself into physical disease.

Don’t allow the emotional aftershocks of regret to take you down and rob you of your destiny. Remember: you have ALREADY SURVIVED the earthquake.

The only way that an aftershock could result in emotional death, is if you allow the emotions associated with the earthquake to paralyze you. When you’re paralyzed, the aftershock is going to seem like Armageddon (and you’ll freak out/NOT act accordingly).

I think that regret is a really useful and valuable emotion. If you feel it deeply enough, it turns into the most powerful gasoline for your emotional engine.

It’s just up to you whether you want to drink the gasoline (and be a victim to how sick it makes you) or put it in your emotional gas tank to propel you out of paralysis and into badassery.

The moment I stopped drinking the gasoline of my own decisions and used the feelings associated with my regrets as the propellant that it was always meant to be… my health, relationships, anxiety, skin, business, luck, and life transformed.

Here’s what I wish I knew back then.

18 things that I wish that my gas-guzzling, 18-year-old self knew/would have been told…

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Guess what? The quality of your life and your relationships, the level of success you reach and the level to which people are attracted to and interested in connecting with you are ALL dependent on ONE thing: Boundaries.

Boundaries are easy – they’re basically your non-negotiables as far as what you are willing/not willing to put up with. Boundaries teach people how to treat you and are the building blocks of unapologetic confidence and self esteem.

Every time I’ve “adjusted” my boundaries for someone, I’ve always ended up hurt and in hindsight, frustrated that I put up with amateur hour at the expense of my dignity and heart.

Looking back on it all, everything happens for a reason.

I don’t really like telling you guys that “everything happens for a reason.” Why? Because it sounds douchey, obvious and sometimes things happen in life that are so painful, trying to “reason label” them is like adding salt to the most unjust and unfair wound.

Regardless of what it is, don’t ever think that your failures didn’t happen for a reason.

One thing that has always prevented me from being able to propel out of deceit, rejection, failure, judgement and abandonment, is the shame associated with how much time I’ve wasted. Shame will literally freeze you in time. It will prevent you from evolving and extinguish any possibility of relational, personal and professional success.

This morning I re-read the post that I wrote on failure. Looking back on it, it’s amazing to see how every step was so integral.

I was always ashamed because of how much time I thought I had wasted – not only through my failures, but even more so in the aftershocks of them. This kept my anxiety at an all-time high and crippled me into a state of fear-based paralysis. I felt like I had already wasted so much time, there was no other option but to waste more of it and obsess over f*cktards who had no problem wasting it as well.

Now looking back, I’m so grateful for my many failures in the entertainment industry. It built emotional muscle and gave me invaluable knowledge that I’m now using for my own show and video courses. I also now coach many of the celebrities that I aspired for so long to be just like. I’m able to help them on a level that I never would have been able to if I didn’t have first-hand knowledge of the industry. Maybe one day, PMS will turn into a television show and all of the knowledge that I amassed from completely failing at making a movie will come to fruition.

Who knows?

What I do know: Everything happens for a reason.

Now let’s get back to you…

Good or bad – everything that you are experiencing right now in your life is a direct result of 2 things:

  1. Decisions that you’ve made based on what you have chosen to TOLERATE.
  2. Allowing those tolerations to define your BOUNDARIES.

And because your decisions are based upon the level at which you’ve chosen to tolerate, your tolerations are always in direct correlation with the quality and/or presence of your boundaries.

Boundaries are so powerful because they literally shape your life. Without clear-cut boundaries, you will always allow the decisions and actions of other people to fog your vision, cater to your fears and subject you to the role of “doormat #1” in YOUR life story.

It’s time to reclaim your starring role. Doormats are boring to watch.

Here are 11 core boundaries that will change your life right now.

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The no contact rule is something that we’re all familiar with post-breakup. I hate referring to it as a “rule,” because it just adds to this stigma of feeling more like a formulaic prison sentence that has to be applied for some desired “result,” rather than what it truly is:

Something that anyone with a shred of dignity, emotional backbone, confidence, self-awareness and self-love would naturally do.

The no contact rule is about making the decision to fold in light of having your own back; in spite of your libido, head and heart being in a state of trigger. Your triggers will fear-monger you into believing that the person you’re in no contact with is the sole supplier of your emotional oxygen. They’re not.

Cutting contact allows you to create your own closure on your own terms so that you can heal, deal, regain power and control over your emotions. It allows you to process your feelings and ultimately decide how you want to proceed.

This isn’t about some “30/60/90-day plan,” or a certain formula. And it should never be about eliciting a reaction or being immature, hurtful, spiteful or mean.

The no contact rule is about choosing to fold in light of how someone has unfolded. It’s waving the ultimate white flag to all of their red ones.

It’s the best “one-that-got-away,”  white horse Jedi move you can ever make. You are gracefully accepting through your actions that this person cannot give you what you want and deserve – whether that be honesty, respect, consistency, commitment, etc.

And as great as it all sounds – whether you’re the one implementing no contact or you’re on the receiving end of it – the no contact rule can also break your heart and mind f*ck you MORE than your actual breakup.

In the past, going no contact after a breakup made me obsess over and question everything to the point of emotional suicide. It was a nonstop tug-of-war. I exhausted everyone around me with a set of ears. And when I had nowhere to turn, I’d always humiliatingly return to the relationsh*t graveyard at the expense of my dignity.

Nowadays, if I make the decision to cut contact with someone, I never feel bad about it because they handed me the scissors. I no longer base my worth on someone handing me scissors. That’s on them. What am I supposed to do with scissors? Put them in my pocket and risk further injury? Scissors are meant to cut – not to put in your pocket so you have a license to feel sorry for yourself or throw back in an attempt to cause pain. View people’s heartbreaking & disrespectful behavior as the gift that it is and always will be: Scissors to cut yourself OUT of their bullsh*t.

But still…

Whether it’s with an ex, a friend or a family member, being in no contact can provide a really fertile ground for you to act upon the normal fears and anxieties associated with cutting someone off who in many cases, you still see a future with.

  • You want your ex to know how much he’s hurt you.
  • You want him to feel enough genuine remorse that he owns up to what he really did and apologizes.
  • You want him to realize what he’s lost.
  • You want him to take accountability so that you can be friends again and possibly, eventually go back to the way it was.
  • You want to know that he hasn’t forgotten about you.
  • You need affirmation that you aren’t as discardable as his actions/inactions and deceit have made you feel.
  • You don’t want to come across as immature or mean for implementing the no contact rule.
  • You want to know what to do because you’re in no contact and omg… HE JUST TEXED YOU.

You want to know if you’re really even doing the right thing by implementing the no contact rule. 

So many wants and what ifs.

It’s time to simplify.

Here’s what you need to know that will make the no contact rule 1000 times easier and more effective…

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