In the past, I was very unsure of myself and because of this, was always wondering “does he like me?” in every relationship I was in. I was this way in friendships, school, and in business relationships too. Where I stood with everyone in my life was always changing because I was always changing to accommodate and please them at the expense of a life that was officially no longer my own.
I had no idea who I was or what I was capable of. My worth was measured exclusively by validation from outside sources and I had zero power in my relationships and life.
Desperation soon took over. I became hyper-paranoid/insecure/jealous, painfully aware about all of the wrong things, painfully unaware and blind to all of the red flags, and self-obsessed in the sense that everything was always my fault.
Why can’t this be easier?
Why do I have to even have to ask “does he like me?”
Isn’t it supposed to be easier?
Yes, it is.
I used to make a lot of excuses for:
- Selfish behavior from toxic, sh*tty people.
- The anxiety (essentially an allergic reaction) that I felt in their presence.
- Their mixed signals, cheating, disloyalty, and lies that I would always blame myself for “making them” do.
Throughout the years of writing here on the blog, coaching thousands of clients around the world, and reading all of your comments and emails, I’ve noticed that this is a common theme.
We excuse because it hurts more to fold with the dignity that we don’t know how to resurrect than it does seeing if we can be “good enough” to get the cat to bark. We take online quizzes and become obsessed with trying to figure out their level of interest and how much they like us. The more doom of black and white we sense, the more we try to convince ourselves that it’s just another shade of grey.
And after we’ve wasted even more time, we still continue to wonder “does he like me?”
Allowing ambiguity to be your clarity and allowing ever-changing “degrees” to which your partner can be serious about you to be your compass, is essentially spitting in the face of a universe that is giving you all the signs you need to protect yourself and move accordingly.
It’s just as unintelligent as pulling “does he like me?” petals off a daisy and going with whatever you land on.
We try to complicate something that is very simple. In relationships of any kind, you are either being respected or you’re not. Your partner is either serious about you and your relationship or he/she is not. There are no special levels of interest that are subject to fluctuation. The train is either moving or it’s not and you’re either in it or out.
With that being said, our emotions, triggers, and hearts aren’t that simple. I still get confused and find myself getting caught up in wondering/obsessing over what’s going on. Although it’s not in romantic relationships and friendships anymore, I found myself doing this with a new business relationship last month.