“How To Get Over Someone Who Broke Your Heart & Let You Down” – Yourself included.

This is one of the most important posts I’ve ever written. Not because it’s going to teach you how to get over a breakup or someone who broke your heart in some obvious, already heard and played-out way, but because it deals with something that I recently experienced and am still feeling my way through the heartbreak, acceptance, and shame of.

The only difference between right now and years ago is that in the past, I would have allowed my feelings associated with this experience to completely paralyze me.

The grip of that paralysis would remain I until was reduced to someone that I had no choice but to hate, dishonor, punish, sabotage the happiness of, disrespect, and subconsciously attract relationships that were gasoline to the flame of those negative beliefs.

Now, those feelings manifest in a much different way.

This doesn’t mean that I no longer feel the pain associated with them. I actually feel pain on a much deeper and more constructive level now because I’m no longer excited to put the bandage of avoidance on the cancer of my insecurities.  

The pain hurts but it doesn’t metastasize like it used to.

In fact, it’s not even cancer anymore. It doesn’t claim its own zip code and build a home for my fears to reside in and rule.

It’s a recurring guest star that I know will never get a permanent role, as long as I give a reality-based purpose to the times that it decides to knock on my emotional door.

Today, I always make sure to acquaint myself with my pain to the point of it propelling me into action. 

Action that’s rooted in having your own back is the ONLY purpose your pain is EVER meant to have.

Action rooted in growth gives your pain a purpose.

So, I decided to take action in the best way I know how – through the connection that writing here on PMS affords me.

Continue Reading

We all have emotional triggers. As my good friend, David Kessler once told me, when it comes to emotional triggers…

“It’s not who and what pushes your buttons. It’s who and what programmed you.”

When we feel like someone has taken something from us that we’re dependent on for an emotional identity and survival OR, if we feel like we are in any way at risk for that loss… our emotions get triggered.

Obviously, we want to get out of this activated state right away. It feels impossible to stay afloat, so we go into fight or flight mode and react because what other option do we have? We have to. We’re triggered.

Once we are triggered, fear and anger spread through every vein of our emotional bodies. And because we’re so charged from this particular trigger being activated, we are able to rationalize our own reactivity.

If your emotions are triggered and your self esteem is low, the only life raft you’ll ever be able to see in that moment is reactivity.

Feeling all different kinds of emotions is normal. I think it’s the most painfully beautiful, joyous, freeing, heartbreaking, evolutionary, and incredible privilege that we have. For years, I tried to control my emotions. I thought that if I could control my emotions, all of my emotional triggers would be deactivated. It was impossible. No matter what, I could never get control over my emotions – emotions that were completely normal to feel. Because of this, I sabotaged myself and became a sitting duck for my own emotional unavailability, as well as relationsh*ts, friendsh*ts, and professional dynamics that ended up taking control of every emotion I had.

My life changed the moment I stopped trying to control the weather. I surrendered to the fact that the weather is always ebbing, flowing, and naturally occurring.

If I didn’t like the weather, I didn’t have to stay. I could change locations.

I realized that to “control” the weather in the way that I had always hoped for, I had to first take control over what I had total control of.

All I had complete control over was how I reacted to the weather. My perceptions SHAPED the weather.

I could either go outside and cry and scream and argue with the thunderstorm or I could get myself indoors and into a place of power to figure out my next move.

My emotions were the weather and my reactivity toward the emotional rainstorms, thunderclouds, and even the rainbows were my emotional triggers. 

Emotional triggers can be ANYTHING – they can be a person, a place, a smell, a song, a gesture, a joke, a comment, a compliment or a criticism. 

For me personally – whether it was a lover, a friend, a family member or someone I barely knew… All it would take was someone making a passive-aggressive comment, a mean-spirited joke, or even COMPLIMENTING me on something that I was so insecure about, I’d take it as a jab even if it was a genuine compliment.

In relationships, if I didn’t hear back from whoever was unlucky enough to date me, I would immediately think he was either cheating on me or had died. So, I would text way too many times and react in other ways that were exclusively birthed from my emotional triggers.

And just like that, I went from the girl who got away to “I need to get away from her.”

It was especially hard because whenever I would try and express my feelings to others, I was always told that I “couldn’t take a joke,” was “too sensitive,” and needed to “get a life.”

The truth is, I was just too triggered.

So, I’d react and like Neil Strauss says, “where there is reactivity, there is a wound,” I gave everyone a roadmap to my wounds, insecurities, and fears through the reactivity of my emotional triggers. Users knew exactly how to doormat me and those who genuinely cared for me got worn out.

So, why do we have emotional triggers?

Where do they come from and how can we destabilize them before they destabilize us?

Continue Reading

shop the look

Guys – you are either going to need to read (and re-read) this post for yourself or feel like you need to send it to someone immediately after reading it or both. It’s THAT good. What do you do when you lose the complete opposite of a f*cktard? How do you deal with the loss of someone incredible? You’ll get insight whether you were the one on the receiving or losing end. This is a topic that hits so painfully close to home for me – being on receiving end of the limitations of someone’s emotional range, as well as the past limitations of my own. And not just in regard to romantic relationships. This post helped me come to better terms with not making the time to see a loved one before she died (I’ve written about the crippling guilt associated with this particular story a few times before). Today, I have the honor of reintroducing a very special guest post written by my dear friend Lorelle, who was kind enough to take over PMS while I’m busy working on my new website for you all. Her 2 previous guest posts can be found here and here. Lorelle, take it away

Love can truly be a double-edged sword. It can make us feel so uniquely connected to the world and fill our hearts so they are overflowing. It can also slash our hearts to shreds, leaving painful emotion seeping out for a long time to come.

And one of the most painful places to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you see as too much of a loss to recover from. The one who was there for you, loved you, and did the ‘thick and thin’ thing because they believed in you. But now they are gone.

The. One. That. Got. Away.

This realization can take some time to surface. There is pain on both sides when a breakup occurs. A time of healing. A time when moving on begins and life slowly becomes happier. The pain subsides, and you reflect on the lessons you learned and seek new love.

There are also times when this doesn’t happen. Where you find yourself thinking of someone every day.  You feel heavy with guilt, and regret lives in your gut. It is often at this point you question yourself, and think that this person you lost, has left a hole in your life that can never be filled.

As you begin to emotionally process your role in the breakup, you slowly come to the painful realization that you self-sabotaged yourself and this relationship.

The first step is to ask yourself “WHY?”

Did you not feel good enough/worthy of this person and because of that, did you feel insecure and do things to sabotage your relationship?

Did being intimate scare you and make you push them away?

Were you afraid of having to step up?

Were you wanting to commit but at the time not feeling ready to give up/compromise your freedom or the lifestyle you had?

Were you living a lie in some way?

Half in/half out of another relationship they didn’t know about?

Did you cheat on them?

Did you lie?

Or, was it circumstantial?

Was distance a key issue?

Was it about money – did you make more or did they make less? Did this make you feel threatened, unworthy, or guilty?

Career choices and opportunities?

How and why we self-sabotage – the reasons are endless. The whole sabotage thing is a red flag that we are not in tune with ourselves and our needs. It a sign we are disconnected with who we are and where we are going in life right now. It also highlights our fears, insecurities, and inability to be honest – with both ourselves and others.

When this moment is related to screwing up our relationship with another, we often can’t see what we have also done to ourselves, because we are so focused on the other person. Losing them is all we can think of and we fail to see that we have also lost ourselves.

Life is tinted in winter hues and life is not moving on.  Even in a state of no contact for months, perhaps over a year
 sometimes your connection to a person who was emotionally available, good to you and loved you, just won’t fade away. Attempts to begin dating again, to be in a new relationship, still leave you finding yourself unable to disconnect.

The feeling of wanting them and missing them fills each day.  The love you still hold for them doesn’t dwindle. The guilt you feel for hurting this special person holds tight. When you think of them, your heart strings pull because you remember just how pure their intent was. How they were always so consistent, so steady and so effortlessly able to be themselves. Always there for you. No drama. No one else can measure up to those qualities. WTF happened?

You may even dislike yourself at times because you know it was YOU that caused the split and you are responsible for causing pain to someone you really value and cannot move on from.

After much soul-searching, you come back to the same realization, that the issue was totally YOU and your emotional punching bag was the one you lost.

The one who deserved so much more than the crap you gave them. The one who even in the darkest of times, wanted you enough to put up with it all, until they finally said “enough.”

How do you reconcile with someone if you are in this place?

Can it even be done?

Stop for a minute though and refocus on this instead:

Continue Reading

“I see a dermatologist in LA, called Dr. Harold Lancer, who is incredible. I’ve known him for years – he sorted my skin out… I used to have really problematic skin” – Victoria Beckham 

via The Edit

I’ve done some major interviews and giveaways before, but I have never been as excited about an interview or a giveaway as I am right now. Not only is my dermatologist, Dr. Lancer here on PMS, but he’s answering questions about my FAVORITE PRODUCT OF ALL TIME, my OG. This is the holy grail game changer – the one product that I can’t go without and haven’t gone without using everyday, morning and night, for over 4 years.

I owe my skin to Dr. Lancer. Years ago, he was the only person who diagnosed my “acne” as an allergic reaction. Because of this, I found out that I had Celiac Disease. I completely changed my diet, lifestyle, and took all of his recommendations which are in his incredible book. My skin has kept getting better with age as a result.

Dr. Lancer is one of the most sought after skin specialists, not only here in Los Angeles but around the world. Just ask Victoria Beckham, Oprah, Beyonce, Kris Jenner, and Kim Kardashian who swear by his products and trust his approach.

What I appreciate the most about Dr. Lancer is his philosophy on skincare:

“20 years ago, I had an epiphany that became the vision for how I practice dermatology today – my focus is on restoration, not alteration. I believe that the secret to beautiful skin has nothing to do with an artfully wielded laser, an injection or cosmetic surgery. Glowing, healthy skin cannot be attributed solely to magic creams or even the gift of good genes. Genetic fortune can only take you so far. The secret to an extraordinary complexion is your commitment to caring for your skin and health.”

Dr. Lancer has made himself just as accessible to everyone as he is his clients through his book and products. In his book, Dr. Lancer not only breaks down the skincare system he created, he discusses so.many.other things that I never knew influenced skin health and aging. He also provides (this is so good), his own drugstore picks/favorite products. It’s a vast wealth of knowledge from years of practice that, if followed, will turn the state of your skin around in DAYS.

ANYWAY – if you’ve been following me and PMS through the years, you know that from day 1, I haven’t been able to stop expressing just how much his Intensive Night Treatment healed my skin, got it to a point I never thought it would be at in this lifetime, and that it’s the one product I truly can’t go without.

When I was broke a few years ago. I would go to every department store I could just to get samples of this stuff. I would get so excited when no one was at the counter and I could make my own sample (or 4). That didn’t really work or last too long, so I finally decided to save up my money and buy it.

By purchasing it, I actually ended up saving more money and I’ll tell you how. The Intensive Night Treatment serves as many things for me:

  • A makeup primer, serum, eye creme, night creme, day creme, and it even calms down hormonal acne when that flares up.
  • A little goes a VERY long way (especially if you refrigerate it).
  • I also started to notice that I was saving money on makeup – I didn’t need such heavy foundations and 3 different types of concealers for 4 different types of zits with undertones that varied in color.

This product has changed the life of my skin, regenerated my emotional body (I used to be very depressed, insecure, and avoidant because of my problematic skin), and has motivated me to meet its effectiveness half-way through a healthy diet and lifestyle.

Q&A (+ A Giveaway) With Dermatologist To The Stars, Dr. Lancer

Source: Instagram

Dr. Lancer’s staff all know how obsessed I am with this creme. I am so happy to have him here on PMS and get to ask him more about it. Continue Reading