Today is a very special day for me because I get to introduce to you my best friend, my greatest teacher, and the original white horse warrior – my Mom.

Mom, take it away…

Hi Everyone. Thank you for supporting PMS, Natasha, and for creating this incredible community that I am so honored to be writing for today. My background is in clinical and industrial psychology. I have over 35 years of experience in clinical and organizational settings but I am not here with any of that today.

Today, I’m coming to you not as a professional; not even as Natasha’s Mom. I am not here as a wife, an ex-girlfriend, an ex-wife, a student, teacher, friend, partner, mother, sister or daughter. I’m coming to you as the one thing that for so many years, I judged, criticized, sabotaged, and tried to conceal – myself. 

I am what I like to call a storyologist and a professional lemonade maker. If you bring me your lemons, I can help you turn your pain, challenges, relationsh*ts, and obstacles into indifferently flushing, boundary-adjusting wisdom, and results.

I love helping people understand their own stories, deactivate their triggers, and enhance the quality of their personal and professional lives.

Natasha has written posts on Why You Need To Stay On The White Horse and What To Do When You Fall Off. So, I thought what better subject for my first guest post than What To Do When You Don’t Want To Stay On Your White Horse?

I’m happy that this metaphor I created for Natasha and used with so many of my clients over the years is popular here on PMS.

The Museum Of Me: Where The White Horse Resides

Before I get into that, I’d like to tell you where my white horse resides. Even Natasha doesn’t know this story.

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Being that it’s St. Patrick’s Day today, I’ve been thinking a lot this week about luck. Especially when it comes to being lucky or unlucky in love.

I used to think that luck was like lightning fused with superstition. You never knew when it was going to hit but when it did, it always hit every undeserving person but you.

Luck was something that I had no control over. It was finding a penny on the ground, seeing a multiple rainbow, getting a warning instead of a speeding ticket, rolling the dice, getting THAT guy to commit, being bffs with THIS girl, throwing the salt over my shoulder after I spilled it, completely guessing my way through the ACT and getting a very high score, etc. (I’m horrible at standardized tests and basically failed the SAT, so I took the ACT which doesn’t penalize for guessing).

Of all the luck I have wished would strike me, there was nothing I ever wanted more than relational luck.

I was very unlucky in love.

Because I believed that luck was such a rare commodity, I did 2 things:

  1. I got desperate for it.
  2. I complicated it.

Complication is your enemy. It makes you question yourself and everything you do. You become this insecure, frantic mouse in a maze that was already rigged from the get-go, to be absent of an exit.

Complication is also an emotional defense mechanism that kicks in whenever the fear of having to act takes over. Think about it – if everything is complicated and chaotic, you automatically have a valid license to not take any action despite whatever red and pink flags are right in front of you.

As far as desperation goes – when you think and act from a place of desperation, you just get more unlucky.

In my life today, I feel very lucky. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own problems, insecurities, heartbreak, and triggers. I just no longer feel out of control or at the mercy of having the luck lightening strike me. I feel like I’m my own lightening manufacturer – in my relationships, business, and life. And there is is no greater feeling than knowing you are your own shot caller.

People ask me how I get so lucky. That question used to elicit a lot of shame/guilt, but now I’m so in tune with and dialed into the work that goes into creating my own luck, I no longer feel ashamed or weird about it when asked.

It’s really simple.

So in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to keep it simple and lay out how to turn your unlucky in love streak around in 7 steps. These steps do not just apply to being unlucky in love – you can apply them to your friendships, business, and familial relationships too

Here’s my lucky 7 for how to turn “unlucky in love” around now…

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shop the look

I always thought that sayings like “birds of a feather flock together” and “you are who you hang out with,” were so lame. I had all different kinds of friends that I wasn’t anything like. I also dated guys who were nothing like the overgrown frat bros they hung out with. It didn’t make any sense to me.

Fast forward a few years and what I thought were really meaningful, forever friendships turned out to be friendsh*ts. I was also not a very good friend to some people who were genuinely great friends to me. I had to learn how to be a better friend to the people who were better friends to me.

Until you feel good about who you are and have boundaries that reflect that feeling, you will never be attracted to what’s good for you, no matter how much you claim to want, deserve, and seek it. You will only be attracted to what activates you – your triggers.

And your triggers are not your truth.

As I got older, matured, learned, and evolved, I’d like to say that my friendships did as well because they eventually did… but not at first. For a long time, I didn’t have anyone which was hard. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – as you evolve, everyone will have an allergic reaction – good or bad – to that evolution. Even your own family. The more you evolve, the lonelier it gets in many ways. We grow up basing our worth on not only how liked we are, but on how often we are chosen, and how many people we can extract the attention, validation, interest, and affection of.

It’s really hard to redirect those neural pathways through having the back of the one person you have ignored and allowed friendsh*ts to doormat over and over again – yourself.

One of my favorites, Jim Rohn, famously said “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” I don’t know if Jim meant it in this way, but the real turning point for me was realizing that the group of 5 included myself. You are who you hang out with the most.

It doesn’t matter how amazing of an organic green smoothie you have with the best, most fresh ingredients – if there is the tiniest piece of bird sh*t in it, it’s going to ruin the whole smoothie.

Right?

What if I gave you the world’s healthiest smoothie with ingredients guaranteed to make your skin glow but it had the tiniest piece of poop in it – no bigger than the smallest crumb. Would you still want to drink it? I know I wouldn’t. SAME with you and your friends.

It really is true – You are who you hang out with.

Through the years, I have become much more private, gotten an emotional life of my own, and have realized that I don’t really have “friendships” anymore. I have a lot of what I call acquaintance-ships + a few people who are the family that I have chosen for myself.

My circle is still microscopically small.

Today I have friends of all ages and stages. My best girlfriend is in her 40’s. I have friends who are younger than me, my own age, a close guy friend in his 50’s and another girlfriend in her 60’s. My best friend died last year at 92 (I talk more about that here).

The more I let go of the Sex and The City, Pinterest-friendly, enviable-on-social-media image of what my group of friends should look like, the more I have been able to manifest relationships that have enriched my life to such an extent, I truly don’t know where I would be without them.

Bottom Line: You are who you hang out with.

Before I get into why the friends of whoever you are in a relationship with deal-breakingly MATTER, here are a few things that I have observed about myself and the friendships in my life while writing this post so far…

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This blog is aesthetically geared toward women but what I write about does not discriminate against age, race, wisdom, gender, socioeconomic status, or sexual orientation. I have been lucky enough to coach and connect with men and women in 24 countries around the world. I’ve worked with supermodels, A-list celebs, public figures, politicians, CEO’s, professors, professional athletes, students, entrepreneurs, musicians, single moms/dads, lawyers, therapists, retirees in their 70’s, teenagers just starting out and the list goes on. What has surprised me the most: NONE of us are immune to selective red flag blindness, pain, f*cktards, and thinking that somehow our “not enough-ness,” is at the root of it all. We ALL Google search the sh*t out of our exes, issues, and fears. We ALL stalk, obsess and feel alone in our pain. We all look for answers. We all look for a way out and we all want to know if it really is just us. I felt alone in my pain and confusion for so long that getting people out of pain, providing answers, and allowing them to see that they were not/are never alone became my obsession. 2 years later, I turned that obsession into a business. No matter what, I think we can all say that we are related to, have been in friendsh*ts with and have dated narcissistic people.

5 things I’ve learned:

  1. Not all emotionally unavailable people are narcissistic but all narcissists are emotionally unavailable.
  2. Like attracts like – who’s going to be attracted to a narcissist other than another narcissist? (this is what I call Reverse Narcissism and I explain it here + in many other posts). You’ve got one person who has blinders on when it comes to anything other than their needs, agenda, and attention-mongering. You’ve then got another person who has blinders on when it comes to anything other than making the behavior of their narcissistic partner all about their perceived lack of value. Either way – no matter how you slice and dice it, you’ve got 2 people making it all about them – both unable to own their own behavior and unable to let the other person own theirs.
  3. The same red flags that you choose to ignore/work harder to try to be the exception to/negate, are the same reasons you’re in relationsh*t territory and that it ultimately fails.
  4. It’s possible to miss someone and know that they’re not good for you. It’s okay to miss a narcissistic ex and know that you can’t get back together with them but miss them anyway. However – if you keep getting hurt by someone, it IS possible to take your heart out of the boxing ring. It IS possible to stop equating being beaten up with pleasure. It IS possible to remove the wool from your eyes and acknowledge that you’re not only getting beat up but that you don’t like getting beat up and deserve to never get beat up again (by yourself or anyone else). It IS possible to partake in the JOY of being and avoid toxic investments. You wouldn’t do it with your money so why do it with your heart? It’s okay to miss the HIGH that the sh*tty investment gave you as long as you stop viewing it as something worth investing in. Bad experiences can have incredible moments. The goal is not to beat yourself up and allow guilt, shame, and blame take over. The goal is to acknowledge your pain in the context of the awareness that you now have of your ex’s emotional and relational ineptness.
  5. Narcissistic exes are the hardest to get over. The highs are unlike anything you’ve ever experienced and the lows, although deal-breakingly awful, are more tolerable and dismissed. You hang onto the memory of the last high as anticipation for the next one builds. Once your relationship is over, narcissistic exes will also claim (whether on social media or however), to be/do/say everything that they withheld and told you they’d never do. They’ll claim to now be everything that they consistently weren’t – honest, connected, responsible, empathetic, and accountable. They will often display their “epiphany” in the most selfish and hurtful of ways.

And when you see all that, how can you NOT think it’s all your fault? How can you NOT think that you really weren’t enough?

Here’s the one thing you need to know about your narcissistic ex:

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