“How To Stop HATING Yourself…” Whoa. Slow down.
The title of this post sounds harsh to me no matter how many times I read it.
We grow up being told how hate is this strong, destructive, can’t-take-back, divisive and all-around wrong emotion to carry and channel toward others.
The devastating, “need-not-engage-in” consequences of hate, however, are never emphasized to us as children nearly as much when that hate is carried and directed toward the most undeserving of all: ourselves.
“Hate,” thus becomes this term/emotion that we more often than not, use to elicit a reaction OR… it elicits a debilitating amount of shame, grief, and guilt when we genuinely feel it – especially toward ourselves.
I have definitely hated myself.
I’ve hated myself emotionally, morally, relationally, physically, professionally, superficially and substantially.
I was a nondiscriminatory hater – of myself and everyone around me who always got the things that I was never “good enough” to get, but that’s a whole other issue.
I committed emotional suicide years ago because of the hopelessness associated with that hate.
Hate is a funny thing. Just when you think that you really, REALLY hate yourself, you can still hate yourself some more. And as much as you try to brush it under the rug, the effects of self-hatred will always show up in your relationsh*ts, friendsh*ts, health, skin, familial relationships, (lack of) luck, and the overall level of toxicity in your life.
Hating yourself is okay. Really, I promise. Don’t punish yourself for it by engaging in relationsh*ts and allowing the feelings of defeat and shame associated with the hate to paralyze you like I did.
When you’re in a state of emotional paralysis, the only option is to hand YOUR pen for others to write YOUR story (in accordance with their needs and agenda).
If you totally hate yourself or if you just hate certain aspects of yourself right now at this very moment, guess what?
You’re normal. And you’re far from alone.
Most of your self-hatred is dependent upon how much trauma you’ve experienced and the degree to which that trauma has been acknowledged, processed and dealt with.
We waste so much time thinking that we’re the only ones or that there’s something seriously wrong with us because we full-on HATE certain aspects of who we are.
I would be lying if I said that there wasn’t a part of me that wanted to write “how to stop self-loathing,” instead of “how to stop hating yourself.” It just sounds so much more politically correct, but it isn’t real.
In fact, “how to stop hating yourself” is Google searched 10 times more every month than “how to stop self-loathing.”
We’ve all, at some point in our lives… Failed. Epically. We have failed ourselves and people we care about. We’ve stayed in relationsh*ts and friendsh*ts way past their expiration date and we’ve failed at achieving this emotional, relational and physical ideal that we all have (aka perfection – the lowest standard you can hold yourself to). There are also things that get under our skin that we wish didn’t; decisions we wish we could take back and the overpowering shame that our levels of insecurity freeze us into.
And we f*cking HATE ourselves for it.
We hate being a prisoner to our own self-hate.
The title of this post is “How To Stop Hating Yourself” because I didn’t have the space to write: “How to stop allowing your self-hatred to control, manipulate and take you down – ESPECIALLY after failures, breakups, death of a loved one, not being chosen, not winning, diagnoses, not doing your best, making epic mistakes, falling for your partner’s bs yet again, etc.”