“Why do I miss him?” is something that I’ve continued to ask myself WAY after relationsh*ts have ended and breakups ensued. I’d even find myself wondering “why do I miss him (??!)” when I’d be on a date – sitting across from a totally nice guy in a beautiful restaurant; my mind thousands of miles away.

Even worse… I’d wonder “why do I miss him?” when I was  IN A RELATIONSHIP with someone new.

Someone who had no idea how unfinished my emotional business truly was.

Every song that came on, everything that happened or didn’t happen… every.single.moment catered to highlighting the absence of what was.

So, I acquiesced to an existence of someone at the end of their emotional life – always reverting back to the loss of my soulmate, “the one.” My only shot at Happily Ever After that had come and gone.

What do you do when you can’t breakup with your memory?

Will the heartbreak, thoughts and obsessive actions EVER end?

How do you deal with going through the motions of life while your heart is with someone that never gave you closure?

If you’re still wondering “why do I miss him?” here’s why + the one thing you need to know:

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+ (doing a little giveaway! details at the end of this post xx)

Self sabotage is the one thing that will destroy your chances of ever fully experiencing the relationships, luck, confidence, fulfillment, happiness, success and life that you want more than anything.

Self love and self sabotage can never coexist. If you self sabotage, it means that you embody the enemy while making it your life’s mission to take down the enemy.

“God said ‘Love Your Enemy,’ and so I obeyed Him and loved myself.” – Khalil Gibran

When you self sabotage, you make a subconscious agreement with yourself to get off the road of life and onto that attractive and fancy treadmill. The treadmill comforts you because it not only provides PROOF that you’re going the distance and burning calories, it secures proof of productivity as well.

And if you’re in a destructive pattern like this, proof will always supersede feeling. The treadmill also guarantees the same terrain, weather and outcome every time.

The problem with running on emotional treadmills is that no matter how hard you run (& try to convince yourself that it’ll be different THIS time), you never actually get anywhere. You always end up back at square one.

Self Sabotage? Same.

Certainty = Safety and as humans, we will risk our own values, goals, best interests and moral compasses to secure a feeling of the kind of safety that certainty provides. Even if that certainty is our own misery.

Self sabotage is nothing more than an inability to get out of your own way. It’s that hidden mechanism that pulls the rug out from under your life, proving that happiness is never to be trusted – always chased.

Self sabotage murders who you could become – the Sasha Fierce badbass that your instinct is hungry to birth.

No matter what you’ve gone through in life, self sabotage is the only way that your destiny can ever be hijacked.

And because you can’t get out of your own way, you end up getting bulldozed every time – surrounded by a manifested environment that does nothing but affirm the necessity of you having to live on your emotional knees – now and forevermore. The End.

I’ve self sabotaged my relationships, opportunities, experiences and life for way longer than I’ve been lucky enough to live without the “bad luck,” that I would always tell myself I suffered from (due to the superficial of course: not being pretty, smart, sexy, cool, interesting enough, etc).

Here’s how to know if you self sabotage, why you self sabotage & 3 ways to put an end to it NOW…

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An easy and EFFECTIVE everyday detox tea? Yes please.

I’m a tea junkie. I can’t say enough about the importance of tea and the calm it gives me. Whether it’s hot or cold, tea is basically a liquid hug that aids in digestion, eliminates toxins, clears the skin and is one of the best kept skinny secrets out there (besides this).

I down about 3-5 cups a day. I’ve been drinking tea since I was 6 years old (my Mom is Persian and tea is a big part of the culture/cuisine, so she would always make me fresh herbal tea as a kid).

I don’t drink caffeine. It gives me horrible anxiety for whatever reason, so that cuts out a lot of options. I also don’t drink teas that are dark unless I have one of these straws (I know I’m weird but trust me, it prevents stains, preserves your tooth enamel and helps keep your smile white).

I’m all about NATURALLY detoxifying, de-bloating, flushing, regulating, digesting and keeping things “moving along,” on a daily basis (both physically AND emotionally. Ha!), through my diet and staying fit.

Every morning, I start off with hot lemon water and throughout the day, I drink fresh mint tea and lots of water.

Although I’m very selective with dried teas, I do drink tea with dried teabags on occasion, but really – there’s just no comparison to fresh tea.

When it comes to flavor and quality, you always want to go fresh whenever possible. Why? Some dried tea leaves can be overly acidic (which could disrupt your pH), dehydrating (no thanks), and can taste very bitter (so you end up adding sugar that you don’t need; sugar that causes inflammation, candida overgrowth and dis-ease within your body).

With freshly brewed tea, there’s a natural sweetness – no bitter taste.

When you use fresh mint leaves to brew tea, it allows the essential oil from the leaves to release into the water (& you get so many more added benefits).

Here’s the everyday detox tea that I drink…

Get ready to say bye to indigestion, reflux, bloat and inflammation of the gut. 

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Emotional investment seems like the most no-brainer, autopilot investment because it comes from the heart. If we aren’t self aware, we buy into the bullsh*t that “what our heart wants,” is in no way convoluted by our negative belief system, childhood, un-dealt-with trauma, insecurities, triggers and fears.

So what do we do? Approve the investment and go with our heart.

Unlike financial investments which have disclosures, the “disclosure” of emotional investment is never really disclosed until the cost has already been incurred.

A few years ago, Bernie Madoff was all over the news. Madoff was the self-admitted operator of a Ponzi scheme that is considered to this day, to be the single largest financial fraud in United States history. Madoff’s unknowing investors were some of the most well-known, accomplished, talented and intelligent people.

So why did some continue to invest despite dwindling returns?

Why did many invest even when there were whisperings of corruption?

Talent, intelligence, notoriety and accomplishment do not make you immune to emotional investment without returns.

I’m not going to speak for anyone because I don’t want to, it’s not my place to and I’m not educated enough on the matter. So many lives were destroyed and are destroyed everyday in Ponzi schemes – financial and emotional.

What I can do, is offer my opinion on why investment continues, despite conditions which make a return impossible.

When the environment surrounding the investor is no longer conducive to the security and solidity that she/he was initially promised and assured, any continued investments thereafter HAVE TO be emotionally based.

Why?

Because reality-based logic can no longer stand a chance; security now needs to be concocted. The mechanism itself is now the illogical nucleus of something that’s too painful and unbelievable to face.

I feel like at this point, many of us will continue to invest (despite not seeing promised returns), because by continuing to invest, it shows that we still believe in the investment (and aren’t going to invest our attention in any of the “hearsay” or “haters”).

You see everything capsizing around you in slow motion. So, instead of folding, you go for a strong right hook in the name of emotional investment.

You think to yourself: “If I show through my actions that no matter what, I won’t give up and I AM going to continue to invest (no matter how sh*t the return)… I have to, at SOME POINT, be noticed, appreciated and see a return… Right?”

I’ve experienced this time and time again in my life – never knowing when to fold and only folding when circumstances, relationsh*ts, LIFE, etc., folded for me.

Here’s my experience with emotional investment – how to know when to hold’em & how to Jedi master the art of folding:

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How to stop missing someone is one of those subjects that I’ve tried to avoid writing about, just because of the sheer impossibility of it. ALL I want to do is help people out of pain, suffering, self sabotage and patterns that I know all too well. So, how could I reduce to a light switch, the kind of pain and longing that hijacks your joy, your consciousness, your thoughts and your heart?

How could I remedy through my words, a wound that runs so deep, it allows your deepest fears to burst out of a closet that you thought you had bolted shut?

I didn’t think I could I compete with that kind of wildfire, until I found myself in the middle of a blaze bigger than ever before.

I get asked everyday, “How do I stop missing him/her? I’ll do anything. I just want to stop feeling this pain. I’m exhausted… but I just can’t.let.go. HELP.”

And I’ve been there. OMG have I been there.

I get it, I feel your pain and I’m feeling it with you right now. Although my current pain isn’t rooted in romance, it doesn’t matter. Pain is pain. This isn’t a competition, this is something that we ALL feel and every ounce of it is valid because it’s OURS.

Since my Grandma died a few weeks ago, I wake up every morning feeling like I’m drowning. I have good moments, but the pain of missing her seems to have a radar that extinguishes any kind of inch toward movement. Experiencing the death of a loved one is excruciating, but at the very least, comfort can be found in the finality that death embodies. Finality is an extremely painful and difficult reality to accept, but you can rely on the knowingness that it’ll never change and thus, organically and at your own pace, accept, appreciate, grow and evolve.

I truly believe that breakups can be harder to deal with than death because with breakups, there’s never really a finality. Death by breakup is always subject to resurrection. It’s weird. You could be completely moved on, a year down the line enjoying yourself at dinner and all of a sudden, you get a “happy birthday!” text.

And just like that… they’ve resurrected from the graveyard. If only for a moment.

When it comes to figuring out how to stop missing someone, what do you do when you’re mourning the death of someone that’s living and breathing?

I miss my Mom everyday. I miss the person that she was before cancer. Most people wouldn’t notice much because she doesn’t skip a beat, but I do. I miss her and I struggle with how to turn off, or at least lessen that yearning for what was and for what my heart hopes will someday be again. I can never fully trust that hope though, because there’s always this looming fear of the cancer showing up somewhere else, just as it did after her first surgery last year. I beat myself up and feel guilty for even expressing these feelings when her situation could be so much worse.

That’s the thing with pain though. Not only does it NOT discriminate, but once it permeates… guilt, self sabotage, fear, anger & a destructive level of MISSING, will take on a life of its own as long as you continue fertilizing it.

This got me thinking about past relationships and missing exes. I remember missing an ex so much, everyone that I encountered did nothing but highlight every detail of his absence. My decisions, lack of maturity and lack of honesty were a big reason for the relationship ending. Because of that, I began to disproportionately beat myself up after he dumped me, sinking lower and lower into “I’ll-never-get-over-him-or-love-again,” hell.

& that’s when the sh*t really hit the fan.

As I sunk lower and lower into the self blame, I didn’t realize that because I had sunk so low, I would have to look up higher and higher whenever I thought of him. This inverted pedestaling, not only upped my feelings of hopelessness, but it caused complete blindness to his shortcomings.

Because I was so busy beating myself up and doing everything I could to re-traumatize and reaffirm that I was indeed forgettable, discardable and worthless, I failed to remember that there were 2 PEOPLE in the relationship with their OWN shortcomings and faults.

There was nothing I could do except watch (through a fake social media account because I had been blocked), how his life was so much better without me in it. How could he not miss me and just be so okay? How could he just forget about me and everything we had?

It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to figure out how to stop missing an ex that wasn’t good for you, an ex that was the love of your life or if you’re dealing with death or another kind of loss.

WHAT REALLY MATTERS: you need a way out of the pain, out of the stagnation and OUT of the life-robbing MISSING-ness.

Here’s how to stop missing someone when you’re so heartbroken, you feel like you’ve already died an emotional death.

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