Ignoring an emotionally unavailable man can feel harder than having to ignore someone who is emotionally available. You’re more unhappy than you are happy and feel like you can’t move on after this breakup. You don’t know what to do because deep down, your gut knows that he isn’t right for you. It’s awful because you’ve seen him be so amazing. At times, you’ve seen him be everything that you want.

You are convinced that there must be something wrong with you that you need to work on because why else would this have happened? You may have heard from him since the breakup. You may have heard a ton of excuses and “this will never happen again.” But you know that you need to move on.

Is ignoring an emotionally unavailable man the only way to move on?

First, you need to understand that obsessing over and missing anyone who doesn’t recognize your worth is like crying because you took a crap and now you have to say goodbye to it and flush. That’s how ridiculous it is.

“He knows that he’ll never get better than me. He’s just going through a lot right now.” Really?

Do you know when a man realizes that he actually can’t do better? The moment you realize how much better YOU can do. Continue Reading

I never knew what emotionally unavailable meant until a few years ago. I had heard about it before and thought it was just some bizarre psychological term that seemed too diagnostic and inapplicable to explore further. How could anyone be emotionally unavailable? What did that even mean?

I began to think about the relationship I was in. I thought about how much I had started to question my reality and how down on myself I had become. I couldn’t help but wonder… “is he emotionally unavailable?”

Emotionally unavailable men are the guys that you feel like you can never read.

They are the main reason Sex And The City had the dialogue that it did.

You will always be trying to analyze and decipher an emotionally unavailable man. Because they are unable to tap into their emotions, they lack empathy. These guys always seem to have a lot of women attracted to them because they are so ambiguous, hard to lock down, and always keep you on your toes. You never fully know how they feel or where they stand. And you can never fully write them off because they’re not quite a great guy but also, not quite a jerk.

Emotionally unavailable men will always give you excuses as to why they don’t want to jump into a relationship right away. They will blame their last breakup, current job, new job, old job, school, sports, commitments, bad timing, trauma, illness in the family, their dog dying, their lack of money… and the list goes on and on and on. They will blame one or all of these things on why they aren’t able to fully commit right now (as if you’re asking for vows to be written and a ring to be purchased).

These guys don’t have any problem with reaping all the benefits of having you as a girlfriend, while not even being a real and committed partner who can answer a basic question. To keep you hooked, they will give you dose after dose of false hope for a future together. They will wreak havoc on your emotions, send you mixed signals, and completely f*ck with your head and heart.

In the beginning, he will be the man of your dreams. He’ll give you all of the attention and care you’ve ever dreamed of but once he has you hooked, he’ll turn cold and confusing. You won’t be able to read it or understand. You’ll think that maybe you did something wrong. So, you further invest and stay in an attempt to understand him better and prove how much you love him. He will then throw you a few crumbs for your efforts and make you feel like the real him (the version that you first met in the beginning) is coming back. It never happens and if it does, it never sustains. Continue Reading

Passionate relationships. Why do we always have them with the wrong partners? At one point in my life, it seemed like passion could not exist without a toxic partner who I never felt like I fully “had.”

We all want a passionate relationship and are on an eternal search for that ovulating-at-first-glance, fire-igniting, electric, effortless, can’t-sit-across-from-each-other-at-dinner-because-I-just-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off, firework-starting, baby-making, 50-Shades-of-Grey-shaming passion.

You know how there are people who are thrill seekers? They’ve skydived everywhere, climbed Mt. Everest, scaled buildings, ate bugs, dived off of cliffs into water that they didn’t know the depth of, hand-glided over hungry tigers in Africa, swam with sharks, climbed volcanos, bungee jumped from the highest elevation, dived into a crowd of drunk people and have basically done everything that no amount of drugs, diapers, or money could inspire me to even think about doing. These people are adrenaline junkies.

I used to be a passion junkie. I talk about my former passionate relationship addiction like passion itself is a drug because to me, it was. And now I’m clean. I’ve been clean off of my passionate relationship addiction for years now.

I always thought those thrill-seeking adrenaline junkies were out of their minds until I took a hard look at myself. I thought that being a passion junkie was okay because at least I wasn’t addicted to anything that was risking my life. All I wanted was true love. How bad could that be?

What I didn’t know at the time was that my addiction was risking my emotional life.

It wasn’t a passionate relationship I needed to give up on.

It was how I defined passion. Continue Reading

The hardest thing to do when you’re in the midst of a breakup, the worst heartbreak you’ve ever experienced, drama with friends, or an emotional trigger you can’t find your way out of, is to stay on the white horse.

The white horse and I didn’t use to be friends. I used to think that the white horse was stupid, weak and not even an option.

It all started after my boyfriend at the time and I were going through what I was politely describing to other people as a “rough patch” and what would honestly be described as “I’d rather receive a televised enema of fire than go through this pain and mind f*ckery for one second longer.”

I found out that he had not only cheated on me but that he had cheated on me with someone I considered a friend. I had been lied to for months. I found out about it all before either of them knew that I was aware of what was going on. Immediately, I transformed into Tony Soprano’s protegé. My own thoughts began to acquire a wise-guy accent.

I wanted to catch them, frame them, call them both out on their crap, yell at them and then slowly, very slowly, torture them. Basically, I wanted to ruin their lives and make them feel as uncomfortable, hurt, upset, and humiliated as I felt.

Right as I grabbed my phone to call my boyfriend and get the plan in motion, my Mom called. I had to answer.

The moment I heard her voice, I lost it. I emotionally went from Mafia boss to 16-year-old Natasha who just asked out her crush to Homecoming the day before homecoming because no one had asked her and he said: “sorry, I have to feed my sick dog that night” (true story) and everyone laughed and I cried. I was crying so hard on the phone that my Mom got in her car and drove up to Los Angeles.

You’ve got to stay on your white horse,” she said. Continue Reading

“My ex wants to be friends. What should I do?”

This is a question I get asked a lot.

It’s very comforting when after a breakup, friends and family come to you and say “I heard about the breakup…” and before they can even get another word in or ask you how you’re doing, you immediately reply “It’s okay. We’re still going to be friends.”

Really?

It’s like saying “Yeah, I know I was in the hospital, got awful food poisoning, almost died from eating sushi and crapped blood for 2 days straight, but it’s okay!! I’m going to try to just have a taste of sushi tonight. Just as an appetizer! No need to worry about me. I’m fine!”

I think that there are a lot of reasons why we hope for and work toward maintaining a friendship with our ex immediately following a breakup (no matter how poorly they treated us).

We don’t want to come across as weak, we don’t want to come across and immature and we’re not quite ready to completely cut everything off. It’s scary and it’s painful. We miss them and we would rather have them as a “friend,” than be alone and feel abandoned, again.

I felt pressure to be friends with exes in the past because I had a serious case of the disease to please. It was also very hard for me to say no. Being friends with an ex (especially an ex that consistently used and disrespected you), immediately following a breakup is impossible. Seriously. You need some emotional and physical distance. Continue Reading

There are few worse feelings than when your ex deletes you from social media.

Last week, one of my girlfriends noticed that her ex had unfollowed her on all of her social media accounts.

It was right out of one of those old western movies where the bad guys come and level the entire town in 15 seconds flat. This was a massive, rapid, drive-by unfollowing. She was in a complete freak-out-lockdown panic mode.

Last year, this particular ex (who she thought she was going to marry), had lied to her, cheated on her and completely broken her heart. She knew that the damage done was irreparable, so they broke up and she cut contact with him. After some time, she slowly but very surely, began to move on.

Fast forward to now – She’s dating, enjoying herself and not checking her ex’s social media every hour, or even every day for that matter. They both still follow each other, trying to falsely prove to themselves and to everyone in the social media world that they are “mature adults” and are still “friends” (even though they never talk). She’s still heartbroken on many levels and finds herself getting angry every now and then; analyzing the crap out of whatever he posts.

If you’ve ever found yourself in this situation, it sucks because due to social media, you can essentially appear to be happy and have moved on, but, how can you really move on when you’re still getting a (very exaggerated and filtered) view into the life of the one person you compare everyone else too?

Continue Reading