One thing that I’ve always a hard time with is bouncing back after a breakup and trying to figure out how to stop hurting.

I’m much better now than I was years ago, but every now and then, something happens and I find myself stuck on feelings of pain and rehashing the past.

One year after a very painful breakup, I still felt completely stuck. How could he just forget about me and move on so quickly with another girl? Didn’t I mean anything to him? Wasn’t I enough?

I hadn’t been enough for him because I believed that I wasn’t good enough for anyone – myself included. You can’t get someone to see in you what you can’t see in yourself.

I was devastated. So what did I do? I would go involve myself with another emotionally unavailable guy or a new friend that I felt like I had to “win over” and somehow compete for their love and attention. And as long as I involved myself with people like this, I never had to deal with the pain of my past. Even though I was in pain, I wasn’t really doing anything to get to the root of it.

I didn’t know how to stop hurting. My pain was a weed that I kept spraying the repellent of denial on, instead of taking the time to get the right tools and uproot it once and for all.

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“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he think about me?”

Those questions have taken up more of my time and brain power than I ever think I’ll be comfortable enough to admit. If I would have taken a fraction of the time that I’ve spent pondering those questions to learn a new language, I could have written this post in 9 different languages by now.

You’ve gone through a horrible, traumatic breakup with an emotionally unavailable guy that broke your heart and whether you’ve done enough things to cause drama/embarrassment or it just hurts too much to be “friends” with your ex or you’ve both agreed to go your own separate ways or whatever the case may be, you’ve stopped communicating and are in no contact. The WORST, right?

You don’t want to hear from him, but then again, you do. You so do. It’s like a drug and you’re going through the most excruciating withdrawals. Every day that you don’t hear from him feels like an eternity and with every minute that passes, it’s another dig deeper into the self blame, obsessing and FBI-style stalking. Your self-esteem is at zero and you start to question your worth because if you were good enough, he would have reached out by now. He would have done something… ANYTHING.

All you hear is crickets.

You never thought he could just cut you off so easily. You see him living his happy life on social media with some new girl who looks like everything you aren’t (and whose profile is private). You’re in pain and doing the best you can to get through every hour without losing it.

Every time you hear a text message alert or you hear your phone ring, your heart races and you think… “Maybe it’s him?” It never is.

After breakups with some of the most toxic exes who I knew were not good for me, I have to admit, I still wondered…

“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he think about me?” Continue Reading

You’re going through a traumatic breakup where you didn’t get any closure and are missing your ex. All you can think about is what he’s doing, who he’s doing, why he hasn’t reached out, and when you are ever going to feel like yourself again. You’re exhausted from obsessing but you can’t help it. He was so selfish throughout the relationship and you just want any shred of proof that he’s hurting as badly as you are. You want to know that you meant something to him, that your relationship mattered, and that he regrets breaking your trust.

+ This is applicable to men as well. This post is written from the perspective of a woman (me), but nothing on this site discriminates against age, gender or orientation. We all experience these feelings and are in this together.

You need to know that you’re not as forgettable as him “forgetting” you has made you feel.

You’re proud of yourself for staying on your white horse, maintaining most of your dignity post-breakup and not reaching out. But you miss him and it’s been really hard.

Then one day, your girlfriends insist on taking you out that night. You order a drink and start to feel a little. Pain? What pain?! HA! This is great! You’re dancing and flirting and actually having fun. Then, all of a sudden, you get rejected by a guy you were flirting with or you may even start talking to a great guy and feel sick because it’s not your ex.

You see all of your friends calling their significant others and right then, it’s like a wave comes crashing down. You think to yourself that he really wasn’t that bad OR the flip side, you get even more hurt and angry. You just want to know why the hell he hasn’t reached out or even acknowledged your existence since the breakup. You think about how even after a few drinks, getting all dressed up, and being out with the girls STILL makes you miss him (despite how he treated you) and you want to know why he hasn’t reached out to you when he’s gone out and had a few.

How could he just forget you? How could he not miss you like you miss him? Didn’t you matter at all to him?

Your fun night girls night out turns into you having to go to the bathroom… which turns into an opportunity for you to see what he’s up to stalk on social media. You get triggered even more, drink even more, and then…

It doesn’t matter whether you decide to call him or if you see something that upsets you and you call one of his friends or another friend of yours or whether he picks up or you leave a message or you text him or some random chick picks up his phone or whatever.

Whether you make any kind of contact or not, you miss him and this is basically how the rest of it goes… Continue Reading

Asking yourself “do emotionally unavailable men change?” is a lot like wondering if watering a dead plant will bring it back to life.

Imagine walking in your neighborhood and seeing your neighbor that has this beautiful garden, spend all of her time with a hose over the one lifeless plant. She’s got a beautiful garden that she needs to take care of and maintain, but she’s laser-focused on watering the dead plant.

Do you know what happens when you spend all your time watering a dead plant? You neglect the beautiful garden around you that you need to water and take care of to maintain. As time passes, you realize that the beautiful garden is now gone and you have nowhere to turn. So what do you do? You keep watering the dead plant in the hope that it will come to life.

Even though your intentions are good, by continuing to water a dead plant, you’ll end up doing more damage than good. You’ll drown the dead plant and be made to feel crazy (and look crazy to everyone else) for drowning it when in reality, all you wanted to do was just come around, give it some unconditional love and be good enough to bring it back to life.

I used to go after potential because I used to equate being needed with being wanted. And as long as I was with a man who had potential, that meant that my itch to get validation could be scratched (validation in the form of me being good/hot/important/cool enough for him to want to “come to life” with all I was watering). And because this kept me so busy, I always had a valid excuse for not taking action in my own life.

One thing that always made me continue to water dead plants was this innate fear that the second I stopped watering, it would suddenly combust into an award-winning rose garden and someone else would step in and reap the benefits of my love, dedication, and hard work. And I would be alone. Again.

Do emotionally unavailable men change? Do they? I needed to know. I’ve had emotionally unavailable exes move on from me that are now are married with kids and seem to be everything that they weren’t with me.

Did they change? What did I miss? Why wasn’t I good enough to elicit “the change” in them? Continue Reading

Breaking promises in a relationship is devastating.

We are taught from childhood that you get what you put into something and I live by this mantra still today. Whatever I want from other people, from situations, and from life… I try to give and emanate. You invest emotion, time, and trust into a relationship (because that’s what you want back). However, there are guys out there that like to invest in talking a big future game to get what they want in the present.

What do they want in the present?

It could be many things – someone to listen to all of their problems, someone to loan them money, someone to help them get back on their feet, someone to make them feel like they weren’t such a piece of sh*t to their ex, someone to be the president of their narcissistic fan club, someone to make them feel like they’re not defective, etc. And last but certainly not least, someone that’s a good and reliable doormat.

If you’re dealing with someone of the emotionally unavailable species, you have to understand that because of their emotional unavailability (and often narcissism), they need to know that they are regarded highly in the eyes of others because deep down, they are painfully insecure.

As far as breaking promises in a relationship, these guys will talk a big future game because they get off to seeing themselves through the enchanted eyes of who they are faking a future with. They like how we view them. They love the pedestal that we put them on and they love what we reciprocate as a result. It enhances their image and validates that they “still got it.”

When it comes to breaking promises in a relationship, here’s what I’ve learned…

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One of the worst things after a breakup is having this instinctual knowingness that your ex sucks, is not right for you, is not capable of emotional availability, is not empathetic, and will never change but you still miss him more than ever. You ask yourself “why do I miss my boyfriend when I know that I deserve more?”

You can’t stop thinking about him. Your days have now gone from something resembling a life to this constant battle between your head, your heart, your libido, and your gut. Your gut knows, your heart “KNOWS,” your libido NEEDS and your head is just trying to keep up with which team to root for.

You’re in a self-imposed Groundhog Day nightmare of missing someone that you KNOW isn’t worthy of one millisecond of your time. Yet, you can’t stop thinking about him.

A recent conversation I had with a girlfriend made me rewind to the aftermath of the majority of my past breakups. No matter how much I knew that the relationship wasn’t worth it, I’d find myself wondering “why do I miss my boyfriend?” – whose only consistent behavior was being consistent at showing me that he was incapable of respect.

My girlfriend was in tears. She told me that she had been lied to, repeatedly cheated on, and made to feel as though she wasn’t enough while she was in the relationship. Her ex had recently broken up with her and in spite of the massive amounts of bullsh*t, guess what? She missed him anyway.

When I asked her what was making her cry the most, I was sure that she was going to start telling me that it was the cheating and then get into all of the details of the girl he cheated on her with. Nope. She wasn’t crying over the infidelity or the lies or the disloyalty or the embarrassment she felt.

“He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?”

And that’s what you call a giant red flag. I thought that maybe in the midst of her crying, she misspoke. But then I remembered how I used to feel the very same way. I had no idea how to stop missing my ex long enough to have a rational and collected thought. 

I got home that night and looked through my email inbox to see that my girlfriend and I are definitely not alone in the “I miss my boyfriend even though he’s toxic.” We’re in great company. There should be a 1-800-I-MISS-A-TOXIC-EX hotline, there’s so many of us. Continue Reading