One of the worst things after a breakup is having this instinctual knowingness that your ex sucks, is not right for you, is not capable of emotional availability, is not empathetic, and will never change but you still miss him more than ever. You ask yourself “why do I miss my boyfriend when I know that I deserve more?”

You can’t stop thinking about him. Your days have now gone from something resembling a life to this constant battle between your head, your heart, your libido, and your gut. Your gut knows, your heart “KNOWS,” your libido NEEDS and your head is just trying to keep up with which team to root for.

You’re in a self-imposed Groundhog Day nightmare of missing someone that you KNOW isn’t worthy of one millisecond of your time. Yet, you can’t stop thinking about him.

A recent conversation I had with a girlfriend made me rewind to the aftermath of the majority of my past breakups. No matter how much I knew that the relationship wasn’t worth it, I’d find myself wondering “why do I miss my boyfriend?” – whose only consistent behavior was being consistent at showing me that he was incapable of respect.

My girlfriend was in tears. She told me that she had been lied to, repeatedly cheated on, and made to feel as though she wasn’t enough while she was in the relationship. Her ex had recently broken up with her and in spite of the massive amounts of bullsh*t, guess what? She missed him anyway.

When I asked her what was making her cry the most, I was sure that she was going to start telling me that it was the cheating and then get into all of the details of the girl he cheated on her with. Nope. She wasn’t crying over the infidelity or the lies or the disloyalty or the embarrassment she felt.

“He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?”

And that’s what you call a giant red flag. I thought that maybe in the midst of her crying, she misspoke. But then I remembered how I used to feel the very same way. I had no idea how to stop missing my ex long enough to have a rational and collected thought. 

I got home that night and looked through my email inbox to see that my girlfriend and I are definitely not alone in the “I miss my boyfriend even though he’s toxic.” We’re in great company. There should be a 1-800-I-MISS-A-TOXIC-EX hotline, there’s so many of us. Continue Reading

How to get your ex boyfriend back. I know, I never thought that I would write about this either, but it’s something I have both struggled with and wanted in the past. If you’ve been following my work, you know I’m not a big fan of using your precious brainpower, energy, and time (that you will never get back) in an effort to try to get someone back into your life who consistently treated you poorly.

I get it though. You miss him and the way he made you feel. You miss the way that you felt and the person you were when you were with him and the relationship was good. You made excuses for everything he did that was wrong, disrespectful, and hurtful because you feel like it was you that provoked it and made him act out. You just want him back, no matter what.

I’m sharing this with you because a lot of you have emailed asking me how to get your ex boyfriend back.

Also – I’m telling you this because it does work.

BUT… I’m sharing it with the knowingness (I KNOW because you guys are all so strong and so badass) that, by the time he does come throwing his crumbs your way again, you will be empowered, healed, self-assured, and strong enough to recognize the crumbs for what they are and at that point, will be indifferent and moved on.

So, how to get your ex boyfriend back? Let’s get to it… Continue Reading

The first thing you want to know right after a breakup is how to make him regret losing you. Maybe if you cut him off, he will miss you or if you leave him alone, he’ll come back but you don’t know. What you want more than anything is for him, just for one moment, to feel the pain and anxiety that you’ve been feeling nonstop. You want him to feel remorse for what he did see what he put you through. You want him to realize how much you loved him, believed in him, and stood by him, in spite of him mixing signals and treating you like garbage all along.

When it comes to knowing how to make him regret losing you…

Even though you shouldn’t give a crap whether someone who disrespected and hurt you regrets losing you, it doesn’t matter. That’s what you want and I get it. If you didn’t want that, even at some point just for a short period of time, you wouldn’t have blood running through your veins. We’re human, we have emotions, we’re all insecure, and we all feel pain.

Is there really a way to get him to regret losing you? In my experience, yes. So here we go: How to make him regret losing you…

First, you need to realize that when you’re dealing with an ex who is emotionally unavailable, he will never have that “I get it” moment that you so want him to have. He’ll never realize your worth because he can’t realize his own. People who truly know their worth don’t have to cut down other people, let alone the one who they are supposed to be committed to and in love with.

No matter how highly you believe he thinks of himself, he is a narcissist who appears to have a high level of confidence. The thing about narcissists though, is that they’re actually the most insecure of the toxic species. Emotionally unavailable, narcissistic guys cannot and will not ever be able to empathize with anyone.

The only way to get to an emotionally unavailable narcissist is through their ego.

 Do you want to know how to make him regret losing you?

Let him see how life is without you. Let him wonder what in the hell you are avoiding him for. Let him miss out on the light that you are. I know you don’t feel like “missing out on you,” is that big of a deal and that you’ve made enough mistakes in the relationship for him to want to move on immediately and forget you, but guess what? You haven’t. Cutting him off and speaking through your actions will decimate his ego.

And ego is the oxygen and the currency with which these guys run on.

As hard as it is to cut someone off that you want to speak to and hop back in bed with… you have to. Your emotional life depends on it.

If this guy was able to behave with an ounce of integrity, dignity, respect, honesty, and loyalty… you wouldn’t be reading this right now. So, WHY do you think cyberstalking him, crying, begging, and explaining to him how much he hurt you is going to do anything? The cat is always going to meow, it’s never going to bark.

You must speak with your actions.

When you speak with your actions 2 amazing things happen:

  1. You translate to the world that you are a dynamic character in your own life story.
  2. By taking action (even if you have to fake it till’ you make it and are a depressed mess at first), you will inevitably end up more confident and start building your self-esteem and self-worth back. By having boundaries and being honest with yourself and others, you will begin to see the benefits of your commitment to yourself because you will be empowered through the decisions that you make that contribute to your well being.

Stay on your white horse and be the one that got away instead of the ex-girlfriend who needs a guy to validate her.

That’s NOT you.

Yes, cutting a guy like this off will get him thinking. Yes, It will make him think of the good times, and yes, he will start to rethink his decisions (because you cut him off and are not giving him any reason to label you as anything needy or negative). He will begin to miss the you that was all too willing to do any and everything for him.

Reintroduce him to who you really are: The girl who speaks with her actions. The girl who is no longer willing to be involved with anyone that treats her any less than she treats herself and contrary to popular belief… the girl who HAS a backbone, standards, and limits.

Yes, this will get him thinking, rethinking, regretting and possibly reaching out but guess what?

When proving through your actions that you don’t give a rat’s ass and that you’re done, you make him feel out of control. He will most likely panic because these guys are all about being in the driver’s seat. Because he’s feeling a loss of control, he will reach out. This is NOT because he’s missing you in the way that you deserve and want him to. He just wants control and the access that he had to you, back. Remember, you’ve taken away his currency and his oxygen.

Remember, he is only capable of selfish regret, not selfless and genuine remorse. If you stick to your guns and continue to not engage on any level, regret will kick in. Regret that the girl who put up with all of his crap is long gone.

And THAT girl doesn’t have time for the bs any longer.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.

It doesn’t matter how much potential you see. If your gut is telling you “I like him more than he likes me,” you have to address it or it will eat away at you. I used to always feel this way in romantic relationships, with friends, and even with some family members.

Instead of trying to figure out the degrees to which anyone is interested in and committed to you, listen to their patterns (which are made up of their actions), instead of their words (which your insecurities are wired to latch onto).

If you don’t ACT on how others treat you and make you feel, you will always end up reacting from a place of desperation.

And it will drain you of your power. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, ten times out of ten, you will humiliate and disrespect yourself unless you take action.

When a guy is interested and into you… you will know. There will be no more “I like him more than he likes me” investigating.

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My last big heartbreak was an epiphany breakup. I had hit such a breaking point and realized, after all these years, that no matter how different my exes appeared to be… I was continually involving myself with men who all possessed the common denominator of emotional unavailability. I also recognized my own emotional unavailability and began to see the patterns in my dating life, my decisions, reactions, and emotional triggers. Two major recurring questions were “why is he ignoring me all of a sudden?” and “why did he change?”

This was the first breakup I had gone through where after the breakup, instead of trying to get into the next relationship or make my ex jealous or cyberstalk him or do anything with ONLY the intention of him noticing/reacting, I took the route never travelled. This was the route that I had been putting off my whole life. I decided to deal with my pain, take accountability and feel my feelings instead of trying to embarrassingly numb them. I began to deal with myself.

I started to realize that every single pain that I had ever felt was a direct result of a DECISION that I HAD made.

Can traumatic things happen that we have no control over? Yes, of course. But it is our decision to subscribe to a negative belief system, become a victim, and keep a filtered narrative alive that cause life-robbing pain.   

It was hard to admit, but it was so empowering to finally understand and own. Taking accountability for my part in my own pain granted me the feeling of being back in control, self-sufficient instead of validation-dependent, and powerful.

It allowed me to see that I had essentially been telling everyone (and most importantly myself), that I had an unlucky cloud over my head and it was constantly raining. But in actuality, I was getting peed on and everyone with a brain cell could see it.

I kept complaining that I had a cat on my hands and I was upset because the cat was meowing and not barking. Cats are always going to meow.

I was the one who decided that it was raining and I was the who that decided that I was going to make the cat (my emotionally unavailable boyfriend) bark.

I truly believed that I was finding great guys that had so much to offer and If it wasn’t for my flaws, problems, insecurities, that one time I freaked out, etc., I’d still be getting the same prince that I met at the beginning; the same guy that I knew was my soul mate. The guy that opened up to me, the one who everything made sense with and the one I was comparing everyone else to.

So, what does any of this have to do with “why is he ignoring me all of a sudden?” and “why did he change?” 

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You may not think about or care to admit it, but your gut knows when you are being strung along. Yet, it’s still helpful to know how to stop being strung along by a guy.

Is there a way to stop rehashing the past and rehearsing the future? Is there a way to stop being strung along by a guy?

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Waiting around for someone to validate you from a call or text back is a slow and eventual murder of your self-esteem. And without self-love, you will always look to others to give you worth and value (validation). Always. Unavailable guys are all too willing to accommodate because just like desperation, they can smell a backbone-less, insecure girl from a mile away. One that will put up with their unavailability, not pressure them into anything serious, and that they can keep stringing along.

If this sounds familiar guess what? You’re living in the land of delusional limbo and robbing yourself at the same time.

It’s kind of like going to Las Vegas with friends and instead of going out to enjoy the food, shops, the spa, the shows, and the clubs… you spend all your time at the casino playing this one sh*tty slot machine. Your friends tell you to give it a rest but you’re in so deep, you’ve convinced yourself that the second you leave and “give up,” someone much less deserving is going to sit down and win your jackpot. So what happens? You never win the big jackpot. You end up broke and your friends have all given up on you. The vacation is over. You’ve wasted your time and feel worse than you ever did before you sat down to play as a jackpot hopeful.

There was no convincing you otherwise while you were playing. You were in a trance. Very focused and rightfully so. You put everything you had – all of your money, emotions, and happiness into a game in which the house always wins.

Waiting around for someone to be ready or change is not love. It’s a massive waste of your time.

When you wait around for and continually excuse someone that disrespects you, they’re never going to view your dedication to them as…

“Wow! I’m so lucky. Look at how much of an unavailable jerk I’ve been and look at this gem in front of me. I see it all now. She has put up with so much crap from me. I’m so lucky and ready to put a ring on it. I will never behave this way again even though I’ve been consistently doing so my entire life.”

He’s going to think…

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