Asking yourself “do emotionally unavailable men change?” is a lot like wondering if watering a dead plant will bring it back to life.

Imagine walking in your neighborhood and seeing your neighbor that has this beautiful garden, spend all of her time with a hose over the one lifeless plant. She’s got a beautiful garden that she needs to take care of and maintain, but she’s laser-focused on watering the dead plant.

Do you know what happens when you spend all your time watering a dead plant? You neglect the beautiful garden around you that you need to water and take care of to maintain. As time passes, you realize that the beautiful garden is now gone and you have nowhere to turn. So what do you do? You keep watering the dead plant in the hope that it will come to life.

Even though your intentions are good, by continuing to water a dead plant, you’ll end up doing more damage than good. You’ll drown the dead plant and be made to feel crazy (and look crazy to everyone else) for drowning it when in reality, all you wanted to do was just come around, give it some unconditional love and be good enough to bring it back to life.

I used to go after potential because I used to equate being needed with being wanted. And as long as I was with a man who had potential, that meant that my itch to get validation could be scratched (validation in the form of me being good/hot/important/cool enough for him to want to “come to life” with all I was watering). And because this kept me so busy, I always had a valid excuse for not taking action in my own life.

One thing that always made me continue to water dead plants was this innate fear that the second I stopped watering, it would suddenly combust into an award-winning rose garden and someone else would step in and reap the benefits of my love, dedication, and hard work. And I would be alone. Again.

Do emotionally unavailable men change? Do they? I needed to know. I’ve had emotionally unavailable exes move on from me that are now are married with kids and seem to be everything that they weren’t with me.

Did they change? What did I miss? Why wasn’t I good enough to elicit “the change” in them? Continue Reading

Breaking promises in a relationship is devastating.

We are taught from childhood that you get what you put into something and I live by this mantra still today. Whatever I want from other people, from situations, and from life… I try to give and emanate. You invest emotion, time, and trust into a relationship (because that’s what you want back). However, there are guys out there that like to invest in talking a big future game to get what they want in the present.

What do they want in the present?

It could be many things – someone to listen to all of their problems, someone to loan them money, someone to help them get back on their feet, someone to make them feel like they weren’t such a piece of sh*t to their ex, someone to be the president of their narcissistic fan club, someone to make them feel like they’re not defective, etc. And last but certainly not least, someone that’s a good and reliable doormat.

If you’re dealing with someone of the emotionally unavailable species, you have to understand that because of their emotional unavailability (and often narcissism), they need to know that they are regarded highly in the eyes of others because deep down, they are painfully insecure.

As far as breaking promises in a relationship, these guys will talk a big future game because they get off to seeing themselves through the enchanted eyes of who they are faking a future with. They like how we view them. They love the pedestal that we put them on and they love what we reciprocate as a result. It enhances their image and validates that they “still got it.”

When it comes to breaking promises in a relationship, here’s what I’ve learned…

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One of the worst things after a breakup is having this instinctual knowingness that your ex sucks, is not right for you, is not capable of emotional availability, is not empathetic, and will never change but you still miss him more than ever. You ask yourself “why do I miss my boyfriend when I know that I deserve more?”

You can’t stop thinking about him. Your days have now gone from something resembling a life to this constant battle between your head, your heart, your libido, and your gut. Your gut knows, your heart “KNOWS,” your libido NEEDS and your head is just trying to keep up with which team to root for.

You’re in a self-imposed Groundhog Day nightmare of missing someone that you KNOW isn’t worthy of one millisecond of your time. Yet, you can’t stop thinking about him.

A recent conversation I had with a girlfriend made me rewind to the aftermath of the majority of my past breakups. No matter how much I knew that the relationship wasn’t worth it, I’d find myself wondering “why do I miss my boyfriend?” – whose only consistent behavior was being consistent at showing me that he was incapable of respect.

My girlfriend was in tears. She told me that she had been lied to, repeatedly cheated on, and made to feel as though she wasn’t enough while she was in the relationship. Her ex had recently broken up with her and in spite of the massive amounts of bullsh*t, guess what? She missed him anyway.

When I asked her what was making her cry the most, I was sure that she was going to start telling me that it was the cheating and then get into all of the details of the girl he cheated on her with. Nope. She wasn’t crying over the infidelity or the lies or the disloyalty or the embarrassment she felt.

“He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?”

And that’s what you call a giant red flag. I thought that maybe in the midst of her crying, she misspoke. But then I remembered how I used to feel the very same way. I had no idea how to stop missing my ex long enough to have a rational and collected thought. 

I got home that night and looked through my email inbox to see that my girlfriend and I are definitely not alone in the “I miss my boyfriend even though he’s toxic.” We’re in great company. There should be a 1-800-I-MISS-A-TOXIC-EX hotline, there’s so many of us. Continue Reading

How to get your ex boyfriend back. I know, I never thought that I would write about this either, but it’s something I have both struggled with and wanted in the past. If you’ve been following my work, you know I’m not a big fan of using your precious brainpower, energy, and time (that you will never get back) in an effort to try to get someone back into your life who consistently treated you poorly.

I get it though. You miss him and the way he made you feel. You miss the way that you felt and the person you were when you were with him and the relationship was good. You made excuses for everything he did that was wrong, disrespectful, and hurtful because you feel like it was you that provoked it and made him act out. You just want him back, no matter what.

I’m sharing this with you because a lot of you have emailed asking me how to get your ex boyfriend back.

Also – I’m telling you this because it does work.

BUT… I’m sharing it with the knowingness (I KNOW because you guys are all so strong and so badass) that, by the time he does come throwing his crumbs your way again, you will be empowered, healed, self-assured, and strong enough to recognize the crumbs for what they are and at that point, will be indifferent and moved on.

So, how to get your ex boyfriend back? Let’s get to it… Continue Reading

The first thing you want to know right after a breakup is how to make him regret losing you. Maybe if you cut him off, he will miss you or if you leave him alone, he’ll come back but you don’t know. What you want more than anything is for him, just for one moment, to feel the pain and anxiety that you’ve been feeling nonstop. You want him to feel remorse for what he did see what he put you through. You want him to realize how much you loved him, believed in him, and stood by him, in spite of him mixing signals and treating you like garbage all along.

When it comes to knowing how to make him regret losing you…

Even though you shouldn’t give a crap whether someone who disrespected and hurt you regrets losing you, it doesn’t matter. That’s what you want and I get it. If you didn’t want that, even at some point just for a short period of time, you wouldn’t have blood running through your veins. We’re human, we have emotions, we’re all insecure, and we all feel pain.

Is there really a way to get him to regret losing you? In my experience, yes. So here we go: How to make him regret losing you…

First, you need to realize that when you’re dealing with an ex who is emotionally unavailable, he will never have that “I get it” moment that you so want him to have. He’ll never realize your worth because he can’t realize his own. People who truly know their worth don’t have to cut down other people, let alone the one who they are supposed to be committed to and in love with.

No matter how highly you believe he thinks of himself, he is a narcissist who appears to have a high level of confidence. The thing about narcissists though, is that they’re actually the most insecure of the toxic species. Emotionally unavailable, narcissistic guys cannot and will not ever be able to empathize with anyone.

The only way to get to an emotionally unavailable narcissist is through their ego.

 Do you want to know how to make him regret losing you? cut.him.off.

Let him see how life is without you. Let him wonder what in the hell you are avoiding him for. Let him miss out on the light that you are. I know you don’t feel like “missing out on you,” is that big of a deal and that you’ve made enough mistakes in the relationship for him to want to move on immediately and forget you, but guess what? You haven’t. Cutting him off and speaking through your actions will decimate his ego.

And ego is the oxygen and the currency with which these guys run on.

As hard as it is to cut someone off that you want to speak to and hop back in bed with… you have to. Your emotional life depends on it.

If this guy was able to behave with an ounce of integrity, dignity, respect, honesty, and loyalty… you wouldn’t be reading this right now. So, WHY do you think cyberstalking him, crying, begging, and explaining to him how much he hurt you is going to do anything? The cat is always going to meow, it’s never going to bark.

You must speak with your actions.

When you speak with your actions 2 amazing things happen:

  1. You translate to the world that you are a dynamic character in your own life story.
  2. By taking action (even if you have to fake it till’ you make it and are a depressed mess at first), you will inevitably end up more confident and start building your self-esteem and self-worth back. By having boundaries and being honest with yourself and others, you will begin to see the benefits of your commitment to yourself because you will be empowered through the decisions that you make that contribute to your well being.

Stay on your white horse and be the one that got away instead of the ex-girlfriend who needs a guy to validate her.

That’s NOT you.

Yes, cutting a guy like this off will get him thinking. Yes, It will make him think of the good times, and yes, he will start to rethink his decisions (because you cut him off and are not giving him any reason to label you as anything needy or negative). He will begin to miss the you that was all too willing to do any and everything for him.

Reintroduce him to who you really are: The girl who speaks with her actions. The girl who is no longer willing to be involved with anyone that treats her any less than she treats herself and contrary to popular belief… the girl who HAS a backbone, standards, and limits.

Yes, this will get him thinking, rethinking, regretting and possibly reaching out but guess what?

When proving through your actions that you don’t give a rat’s ass and that you’re done, you make him feel out of control. He will most likely panic because these guys are all about being in the driver’s seat. Because he’s feeling a loss of control, he will reach out. This is NOT because he’s missing you in the way that you deserve and want him to. He just wants control and the access that he had to you, back. Remember, you’ve taken away his currency and his oxygen.

Remember, he is only capable of selfish regret, not selfless and genuine remorse. If you stick to your guns and continue to not engage on any level, regret will kick in. Regret that the girl who put up with all of his crap is long gone.

And THAT girl doesn’t have time for the bs any longer.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.

It doesn’t matter how much potential you see. If your gut is telling you “I like him more than he likes me,” you have to address it or it will eat away at you. I used to always feel this way in romantic relationships, with friends, and even with some family members.

Instead of trying to figure out the degrees to which anyone is interested in and committed to you, listen to their patterns (which are made up of their actions), instead of their words (which your insecurities are wired to latch onto).

If you don’t ACT on how others treat you and make you feel, you will always end up reacting from a place of desperation.

And it will drain you of your power. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, ten times out of ten, you will humiliate and disrespect yourself unless you take action.

When a guy is interested and into you… you will know. There will be no more “I like him more than he likes me” investigating.

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