Before I get into the signs of dating a pathological liar, I want to give you some background on my own personal experiences with lying.
I was never a pathological liar but I definitely used to be a compulsive liar.
Early in my childhood, lying became a habit that soon became a way of life. I had well-intended parents who taught me not to lie but in my little mind, there was no other choice. As I grew up, so did my self-deception, insecurities, and ability to paint an entirely different picture than, unbeknownst to me, most people could see right through. The lying continued well into my teens and early twenties. I didn’t have the awareness that I do now, but I knew the difference between right and wrong. The extent to which we will justify the wrong of lying in the name of emotional survival is incredible. I had to lie.
Without lying, everyone would be in on the joke that I embarrassingly tried with all my might, to be the only one in on…
The fact that I was a joke.
There are a million reasons why I felt like I had no choice but to lie at such a young age, and there are a million more reasons why I continued to lie as a teenager and young adult.
A lot of them had to do with the atmosphere I grew up in. A lot of it had to do with being around certain family members who were so insecure themselves, they got satisfaction from being the “Gotcha!” police and shaming me to others behind my back in the name of expressing concern. They did this instead of having a genuine concern to ask me if I was alright. And when I was a child especially, they never asked if they were doing anything or creating an environment in which I did not feel safe in being able, to tell the truth.
If you’re lying, you’re lonely.
The root of the weed that lying is, will always be the liar’s belief that they are not enough. And there is no lonelier place to be than the space of feeling like you have no worth.
If I didn’t feel like my truth was so pathetic and I wasn’t so ashamed, I would never have felt the need to compulsively lie.
Anyone who lies habitually is on a self-made life raft that deflates very quickly until another lie is told.
Living one life is tough enough but when you lie, you have to keep up with multiple lives/identities. These identities are birthed by your shame, anger, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, and pain. The funny thing is, I lied to keep people around when all it did was turn off the right people, trigger my abandonment issues, and attract toxic people who exploited the very insecurities that required me to lie on the compulsive level that I was.
How I stopped being a compulsive liar is another post for another time. I basically started to become more scared of the effects of my lies than people just knowing the truth. I got so sick of myself, the drama I had created, and my own bullsh*t, that the truth started to become less scary. I realized that although people may be hurt, disgusted, happy, sad, etc., from hearing my truth… At least they’d respect me for being kindly (never brutally) honest in my communication. I then started to attract better people and better relationships in my life.
By taking this step to improve myself, I had simultaneously improved the relationship with myself. Over time, I started to build respect for myself.
Self-respect and compulsively and/or pathologically lying cannot coexist.
When it comes to dating and any kind of relationship, the level to which you deceive yourself will always mirror the toleration you have for others deceiving you.
If you engage in self-deception, you will be that much more susceptible to excuse others when they lie to you.
You will hold onto the perceived “truth” of their lies because deep down, you don’t believe that you are good enough for the truth. And so, you work harder to understand them instead of folding and getting the f*ck out of Dodge.
We all lie from time to time. According to a study at the University of Massachusetts, sixty percent of people cannot even have a 10-minute conversation without lying at least one time. However…