Guys – I really needed this one today. This article does NOT only apply to when you find The One in romantic relationships. It can be applied to friendships, business, and the kind of opportunities showing up for you that you’ve always wanted, but can’t help to not fully trust. This post was so incredibly useful for me in understanding why people had discarded me in the past when I gave them my everything. It also provided answers as to why I’ve discarded people who gave me their everything. I am so happy to have Lorelle back here on PMS. Her and Irena are handling my baby, this blog, with so much care – writing these amazing guests posts in between posts that I write, while I work on my book. Lorelle will be answering all of your questions and comments below.

Lorelle, take it away my friend…

I wrote a post last year about what to do when you lose “The One.” Now, I wanted to write about how to not self-sabotage your relationship when you find The One. Maybe you will relate, or maybe not. It seems self-sabotage is not uncommon, but at the same time, there is little research on this self-defeating behavior. It is, however, definitely a thing. How does it apply to relationships? How do we know we are doing it? And most importantly, why do we do it?

So, when you finally find The One…

Why would you ever self-sabotage your relationship? How does this actually happen?

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When was the last time you had an honest conversation with yourself? What are your actual limits? Do you have any? Do you find yourself explaining what you won’t tolerate to others but then always ending up the doormat with your boundaries negotiated down to nothing? Do you know when to walk away?

One of my favorite quotes:

“If you can’t walk away from a negotiation, then you aren’t negotiating. You’re just working out the terms of your slavery.” – James Altucher.

Your…

Are things that should never be up for negotiation. Ever.

The most life-saving, transformative, confidence-instilling, and powerful thing that you can master in this life is the ability to know when to walk away.

Here on PMS, I always write about knowing when to fold. But keep in mind…

Folding without actually getting UP and walking away is like throwing your trash in the trash bin inside your house and refusing to take it out to dispose of properly (and permanently).

It doesn’t matter how many things you’ve thrown away (folded from). If you don’t take out the trash (a.k.a. know when to walk away), you are setting yourself up for even more pain and humiliation than whatever it was that caused you to fold in the first place.

Who cares how many trash bags you have lined up in your home? Who cares how much you’ve thrown out and how well you’ve sealed the bags? No one will be impressed – including yourself because deep down, you know that this is not impressive.

No quality people will ever show up at your door and you will never fully respect yourself if you stay in that kind of self-sabotaging “well, I identified what was trash and put it in bags, but I’m just not fully ready take it out yet” limbo.

If you don’t take the trash out, the smell will eventually detract from and take over all the beauty of your home. And the only people who will ever enter your home are the ones who have no problem disrespecting it as much as the owner already does. 

Contradiction is the root of all misery. You can’t view something as useless enough to throw in the trash bin but also, useful enough to keep in your house. Same with relationships – you can’t view something as hurtful/disrespectful enough that you have to fold but also, not know when to walk away.

If you don’t know when to walk away, you disqualify yourself from EVER being The One That Got Away.

It’s time to put yourself back in charge.

Here are 15 Non-Negotiable Red Flags to look out for and always, fold and walk away from.

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One of the most popular posts I’ve written here on PMS was about what to do when you fall off your white horse and break no contact. For months, I have been wanting to write a post that expands on both that one and the one my Mom wrote – about where your white horse resides. Recently, I broke emotional no contact with someone. And even though I did not reach out to the person, I couldn’t forgive myself for the amount of time I wasted during a time (right now) that I’ve worked so hard to put aside and dedicate to finishing my book and also, to this blog and my clients. I called one of my dearest friends, Irena (who has written here on PMS before), and asked her to write about how to forgive yourself when you fall off of your white horse and break no contact – in any way – emotionally and/or literally.

When she emailed me the completed post this morning, I was speechless. This post healed parts of me that I didn’t know were still fractured and bruised. Irena, take it away my friend…

I know – things were bad and now they are worse.  You don’t know how to forgive yourself. On top of feeling betrayed and abandoned by a toxic person you pledged to let go of, you now have to deal with the disgust of having betrayed and abandoned yourself. And while there is a certain energy that comes with feeling angry at someone else, turning on yourself can, in the words of one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson, feel like you are being dropped, “bone by bone.”

But that’s not going to happen, because you have already proven you know how to forgive yourself.

How can I be so sure? No matter how worthless you may feel and no matter how humiliating the fall, if you’ve been dealing with some cocktail of a toxic/emotionally unavailable/narcissistic person, I can absolutely guarantee you that you’ve provided this person with more understanding, empathy, and chances than they deserve.

The prerequisite for how to forgive yourself is to give yourself one fraction of the same empathy you would give to someone else in your life.

You implemented no contact in the first place because you were done with being a powerless victim of the machinations of someone who dishonored or discarded you. And despite your best efforts…

Sh*t hit the fan, you got triggered, and suddenly you felt like you were no longer in charge of yourself. Falling off your white horse doesn’t mean that you now have a new license to become a powerless victim of your own tyranny.

It means that your body is begging to acknowledge what you have already survived.

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Is age really just a number? I have been wanting to write about age gap relationships or a May December romance, for as long as I can remember. It was from a May December romance in my early 20’s that my entire life (and the way that I viewed it, myself, and the opinions of others) changed.

May December Romance comes from the metaphor of a year being the lifespan of a person. May is a time of relative youth where everything is in bloom and December is later in maturity. The leaves get even more beautiful and change for the final time that year. Age gap relationships are all around us – George and Amal Clooney, Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas, and most recently, Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas. I know some people who even classify Meghan Markle and Prince Harry as an age gap relationship (yes, it’s only 3 years).

It all boils down to everyone’s individual beliefs, insecurities, and comfort levels. I used to be so reactionary and judgemental.

Nowadays, yes, of course, I have my own opinions and beliefs but they don’t close me off from genuinely hearing and appreciating other people’s. And nothing triggers me to the point of such impulsive judgment, that I momentarily unglue and contradict everything I stand for.

May December romances are in movies, television, books, and in real life – especially here in Los Angeles. And there’s a stigma attached to May December romance that sadly, I don’t think will ever go away.

In regard to a May December Romance…

Whatever appears to color outside the lines of what someone believes (especially if they are unable to evolve, uncomfortable in their own skin, unhappy, and/or are not solid in their own affairs) will always fertilize a very unnecessary and unfair level of judgment.

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