How to stop missing someone is one of those subjects that I’ve tried to avoid writing about, just because of the sheer impossibility of it. ALL I want to do is help people out of pain, suffering, self sabotage and patterns that I know all too well. So, how could I reduce to a light switch, the kind of pain and longing that hijacks your joy, your consciousness, your thoughts and your heart?
How could I remedy through my words, a wound that runs so deep, it allows your deepest fears to burst out of a closet that you thought you had bolted shut?
I didn’t think I could I compete with that kind of wildfire, until I found myself in the middle of a blaze bigger than ever before.
I get asked everyday, “How do I stop missing him/her? I’ll do anything. I just want to stop feeling this pain. I’m exhausted… but I just can’t.let.go. HELP.”
And I’ve been there. OMG have I been there.
I get it, I feel your pain and I’m feeling it with you right now. Although my current pain isn’t rooted in romance, it doesn’t matter. Pain is pain. This isn’t a competition, this is something that we ALL feel and every ounce of it is valid because it’s OURS.
Since my Grandma died a few weeks ago, I wake up every morning feeling like I’m drowning. I have good moments, but the pain of missing her seems to have a radar that extinguishes any kind of inch toward movement. Experiencing the death of a loved one is excruciating, but at the very least, comfort can be found in the finality that death embodies. Finality is an extremely painful and difficult reality to accept, but you can rely on the knowingness that it’ll never change and thus, organically and at your own pace, accept, appreciate, grow and evolve.
I truly believe that breakups can be harder to deal with than death because with breakups, there’s never really a finality. Death by breakup is always subject to resurrection. It’s weird. You could be completely moved on, a year down the line enjoying yourself at dinner and all of a sudden, you get a “happy birthday!” text.
And just like that… they’ve resurrected from the graveyard. If only for a moment.
When it comes to figuring out how to stop missing someone, what do you do when you’re mourning the death of someone that’s living and breathing?
I miss my Mom everyday. I miss the person that she was before cancer. Most people wouldn’t notice much because she doesn’t skip a beat, but I do. I miss her and I struggle with how to turn off, or at least lessen that yearning for what was and for what my heart hopes will someday be again. I can never fully trust that hope though, because there’s always this looming fear of the cancer showing up somewhere else, just as it did after her first surgery last year. I beat myself up and feel guilty for even expressing these feelings when her situation could be so much worse.
That’s the thing with pain though. Not only does it NOT discriminate, but once it permeates… guilt, self sabotage, fear, anger & a destructive level of MISSING, will take on a life of its own as long as you continue fertilizing it.
This got me thinking about past relationships and missing exes. I remember missing an ex so much, everyone that I encountered did nothing but highlight every detail of his absence. My decisions, lack of maturity and lack of honesty were a big reason for the relationship ending. Because of that, I began to disproportionately beat myself up after he dumped me, sinking lower and lower into “I’ll-never-get-over-him-or-love-again,” hell.
& that’s when the sh*t really hit the fan.
As I sunk lower and lower into the self blame, I didn’t realize that because I had sunk so low, I would have to look up higher and higher whenever I thought of him. This inverted pedestaling, not only upped my feelings of hopelessness, but it caused complete blindness to his shortcomings.
Because I was so busy beating myself up and doing everything I could to re-traumatize and reaffirm that I was indeed forgettable, discardable and worthless, I failed to remember that there were 2 PEOPLE in the relationship with their OWN shortcomings and faults.
There was nothing I could do except watch (through a fake social media account because I had been blocked), how his life was so much better without me in it. How could he not miss me and just be so okay? How could he just forget about me and everything we had?
It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to figure out how to stop missing an ex that wasn’t good for you, an ex that was the love of your life or if you’re dealing with death or another kind of loss.
WHAT REALLY MATTERS: you need a way out of the pain, out of the stagnation and OUT of the life-robbing MISSING-ness.