Hi, my name is Natasha and I am a recovering people pleaser. I’ve had the disease to please my entire life and made it my mission to be everyone’s version of perfect. I was never happy with myself, painfully insecure, and more than anything… I just wanted to fit in and be liked.

Recovering from the disease to please has been one of the most difficult paths to remain on. Every day, I still catch myself trying to revert back to my old programming.

So how do you know if you have the disease to please?

And if you are a people pleaser, what are some real ways that you can put an end to it once and for all?

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What do you want your relational legacy to be? After a breakup, everyone wants to know how to be The One That Got Away, instead of the crazy ex who couldn’t accept reality.

Whether it’s with friends or in romantic relationships, I always have this post-relationship fantasy of being The One That Got Away after a breakup. Always. And while Fantasyland is a fun place to inhabit, a few years ago I decided to acquaint myself with reality. In the process, I realized that I was never The One That Got Away. I was the batsh*t crazy ex girlfriend who had let her insecurities, fears, issues (abandonment issues, trust issues, mommy issues, daddy issues), pain, and triggers, get the best of her.

After a lot of shame and embarrassment, I was able to learn how to be The One That Got Away.

And it changed my life.

Here’s what you need to know…

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If you feel like life forgot about you and are wondering “when will I find my soulmate?”… you are not alone. I have felt so lonely and forgotten about in my life. And the shame associated with it all was even more crippling than the solitude.

We all have these relational expectations that if they aren’t met by a certain age, we adopt a belief system that affirms our perceived defectiveness. And then we wonder why, in every relationship, we are lied to, cheated on, devalued, and disrespected.

Loneliness is not just about having no one to call or hang out with. It isn’t about not having plans or being the black sheep in your family or at work. Loneliness happens when you don’t feel safe to express your truth and be vulnerable. It happens when you don’t feel safe to be who you are. I have felt more alone in some relationships than when I’ve been physically alone.

This all got me thinking about how many times I’ve been asked by readers, clients, and how many times in the past I’ve asked myself, “when will I find my soulmate?”

The biggest fear that all of us asking this question have:

What if my soulmate doesn’t exist? And what if I never find my soulmate?

And since we are doing the “what ifs,” let’s keep it going. What if you were told that you would never find your soulmate; that there was no chance of finding him/her?

I know that’s a really sad thing to think about. I know some of you have gotten to the point where you are so emotionally worn down, you don’t even believe in the idea of having that romantic, one-of-a-kind soulmate anymore. You just want to meet someone who you can share your life with, will reply to your texts, and return your calls. I get it.

Now, let’s switch gears…

What if you were told that you had a terminal condition and only had this year to live? How differently would you live, behave, and think? What would you want to do? Think about it. I know that I would live much more consciously and kindly. I’d also take no time, not even a second for granted. I’d try to accomplish as much as I possibly could in that year and I wouldn’t put up with bs – from others and the cynical audience in my own heard.

Now, let’s go back to the first question: What if you were told that you would never find your soulmate and that there was no chance of ever finding him/her? Think about how differently you would live, behave, and think after hearing that news.

Honestly? To the old me, this would’ve sounded just as bad as “Natasha, you have 1 year to live,” because I live and have always lived for love. If I was told that I’d never find my soulmate, I would probably live the rest of my existence in a deep, dark depression. Some people may say that they wouldn’t care. They feel like they’ve already spent their lives in so much pain and loneliness, what’s another few decades? (I’ve been there too). Other’s would say that they didn’t need anyone to “complete them,” anyway. ALL would, on some level, be sad.

Love is our greatest and most influential motivator. We are all in constant search of someone who “gets it,” “gets us” and that can add to an existence that is hopefully, already abundant.

If I was told that I’d never find my soulmate, it would be the ultimate breaker to every deal I have ever made. My life would forever change. However, I would also be out of the self-imposed prison or pressure. I would finally be free.

Guess what? We are all suffering from a terminal condition. It’s called LIFE. And to the best of my knowledge, none of us get to make it out alive.

It should never take having to hear that you only have a year to live for you to start living on your own terms, changing your habits, and dismantling negative beliefs. The same goes for soulmates. It should not take having you to hear that you’ll never find your soulmate for you to grab hold of your destiny and love YOURSELF.

Once you have the ability to extinguish your fear of the unknown, you can then start to actually live and attract the love you deserve.

If we didn’t deem it so necessary to be on an endless search for youth, for contentment, for the fulfillment, and for a soulmate that is the absolute love of our lives… it would ultimately prove that we had our soulmate with us all along. We could be the loves of our own lives.

Why do we view some people as superhuman? Why are these people’s beautiful and inspiring quotes on everyone’s social media pages? How do they seem to get even more beautiful with age? Why are they so admired and constantly revered, turned to, respected and emulated (but never duplicated)? What’s so different about them?

It’s not that they are any different. It’s that they’ve spoken their truth, faced their loneliness, and become the embodiment of everything that they were ever searching for in their wildest dreams. They’ve become their own soulmate first.

Am I saying that you really have a year to live and that soulmates don’t exist? Not at all. What I am saying is that it’s a lot better of a life when you’re a cake that’s already edible without the icing. If you are, then when anything sweet comes along, it just compliments a cake that is already delicious on its own. Some cakes taste so bland, the icing is the only thing that makes it a cake.

If there is one thing you should make a goal for in this new year, it’s to stop waiting around. If you’re happy, stop waiting for the sky to fall or something to come along and “take away,” your happiness. If you’re not happy, stop waiting for your soulmate to appear, heal your wounds, make you happy, and give your story meaning. Make it a goal for this year and beyond to live your life as though you are the soulmate of it, because that is the only thing that you will ever know with 100% certainty in this life.

Through every breakup, humiliation, divorce, illness, hardship, negative bank account statement, failure, triumph, interview, happiness, travel, celebration, etc., the only recurring character in the story of your life has been you. NOT your parents, NOT anyone – YOU.

If you’re still wondering “when will I find my soulmate?” remember this…

You are the only one that has been with you through everything.

 YOU are the one that has wiped every tear and YOU are going to start being your own soulmate instead of your own worst enemy.

Whether you like yourself or not, you’ve been with yourself through thick and thin.

And guess what? You are still here, right now. You MADE it. If that’s not what defines a soulmate, I’m not sure what does.

We have to stop waiting around and start appreciating where we are, what we’ve endured, and what we bring to our own table.

Once you’re truly able to do that, you’ll be at your most desirable and attractive. Not because of anything superficial, but because we are at our most beautiful when we’ve finally given up on being preoccupied with anyone validating our beauty.

So for this new year, stop waiting around for your soulmate and start to being your own. Let’s all support each other and see the magic that happens.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

When you are stuck in the grip of pain and emotional triggers, knowing how to move on from heartbreak can seem impossible.

Acceptance goes hand in hand with knowing how to move on after heartbreak. I have tried everything to facilitate acceptance and moving on, and I mean everything. If someone told me that I could reach acceptance and moving on by baptizing myself with cat pee and giving myself a televised enema of sand while reciting the alphabet in Chinese, I would have done it in a heartbeat.

I was so desperate to feel indifferent to everyone and everything that caused me pain. I wanted, more than anything, to get to the point where I could just accept what was and start moving on but I was stuck.

It was like my legs were trapped in cement while everyone and everything around me was moving all around… And I just stood there – frozen in my pain, drowning in regret, and unable to control the obsessive thoughts.

Nothing worked. Why? Because just like with forgiveness, when it comes to knowing how to move on after heartbreak, it’s not something that you can just decide to do, do it, and it’s done.

It’s not that straight forward.

Here’s how to move on from heartbreak with your dignity in tow…

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“Should I block my ex on social media?” This is a question that I get asked… a lot.

“To follow or not to follow” and ” to block or not to block,” has become post-breakup, modern day Shakespeare. It’s one of the first things you think of after a breakup because it’s one of the only things that you have exclusive control of.

It’s hard because it hurts too much to even think of him, let alone have to see his “I’m-so-happy-I move-on-so-easy-and-you’re-so-forgettable,” existence on your social media feed. You know that you need to unfollow him, but what good would that do? You’d still check his profile, even if it’s private. You keep track of his numbers and look out for his profile photo to be updated. You start to wonder, “should I block my ex on social media?” It feels surreal that you now are debating having to block someone who knows your soul.

There are pros and cons either way. So, what do you do? Once you block, you know that there’s no going back and it’s scary. Finality is scary.

If you are asking yourself, “should I block my ex on social media?”

Here’s everything you need to know…

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There are so many girls out there whose family, friends, sorority sisters, plastic surgeon, brother’s ex-girlfriend, first-grade teacher, ex-boyfriends, third cousin’s prom date, wacky aunt, hot stepbrother, job, diet, workout regime, dog, cat, etc. I used to know. And when I say “I used to know,” I mean that if the SAT was a standardized test of their lives, I’d be working on my second doctorate at Stanford right now.

I knew these girls better than I knew myself. I actually got to know some of them so well, I exhausted myself trying to get to know them any better.

So why don’t we have a single memory or photo together? Because they don’t actually know me. They might know of me, but they don’t know me. At all.

How might they know of me? If they came across a photo of their boyfriend and me together and asked him who I was… then they would know.

I was the ex and they were the girls that I could never be. The ones that even though I knew deep down, I shouldn’t compare myself to, I couldn’t help but do so. He had chosen her and she was now with him – the him that I deserved, the him that I did everything for, and the him that suddenly wanted a committed relationship and everything that I was only good enough to experience the promise of but never the actuality. And now, she was.

I was alone, picking up the pieces and couldn’t stop social media stalking. I wanted to know everything about my ex’s new girlfriend. Why couldn’t I ever be the chosen one? Why was it always “her” and not me? How could he say that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then all of a sudden give her the relationship that I wanted with him? And how could two hours have just gone by and I’m now on her Mom’s boss’s daughter’s prom date’s Instagram profile?

Why did I even care?! I couldn’t stop the obsessive thoughts and behavior.

With some exes, I couldn’t say for certain that I even wanted them back. I knew deep down that he wasn’t right for me and that it could never work. I knew that there was nothing he could ever say that would justify what he did and give me the closure I deserved. I knew he was emotionally unavailable. But that didn’t make it any easier or less heartbreaking when I found out he was dating someone new.

The only way I can explain it is that I didn’t really want him back, but I also didn’t want him to be dating someone new.

I wanted him to suffer the way I had and regret what he lost.

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