The no contact rule is something that we’re all familiar with post-breakup. I hate referring to it as a “rule,” because it just adds to this stigma of feeling more like a formulaic prison sentence that has to be applied for some desired “result,” rather than what it truly is:

Something that anyone with a shred of dignity, emotional backbone, confidence, self-awareness and self-love would naturally do.

The no contact rule is about making the decision to fold in light of having your own back; in spite of your libido, head and heart being in a state of trigger. Your triggers will fear-monger you into believing that the person you’re in no contact with is the sole supplier of your emotional oxygen. They’re not.

Cutting contact allows you to create your own closure on your own terms so that you can heal, deal, regain power and control over your emotions. It allows you to process your feelings and ultimately decide how you want to proceed.

This isn’t about some “30/60/90-day plan,” or a certain formula. And it should never be about eliciting a reaction or being immature, hurtful, spiteful or mean.

The no contact rule is about choosing to fold in light of how someone has unfolded. It’s waving the ultimate white flag to all of their red ones.

It’s the best “one-that-got-away,”  white horse Jedi move you can ever make. You are gracefully accepting through your actions that this person cannot give you what you want and deserve – whether that be honesty, respect, consistency, commitment, etc.

And as great as it all sounds – whether you’re the one implementing no contact or you’re on the receiving end of it – the no contact rule can also break your heart and mind f*ck you MORE than your actual breakup.

In the past, going no contact after a breakup made me obsess over and question everything to the point of emotional suicide. It was a nonstop tug-of-war. I exhausted everyone around me with a set of ears. And when I had nowhere to turn, I’d always humiliatingly return to the relationsh*t graveyard at the expense of my dignity.

Nowadays, if I make the decision to cut contact with someone, I never feel bad about it because they handed me the scissors. I no longer base my worth on someone handing me scissors. That’s on them. What am I supposed to do with scissors? Put them in my pocket and risk further injury? Scissors are meant to cut – not to put in your pocket so you have a license to feel sorry for yourself or throw back in an attempt to cause pain. View people’s heartbreaking & disrespectful behavior as the gift that it is and always will be: Scissors to cut yourself OUT of their bullsh*t.

But still…

Whether it’s with an ex, a friend or a family member, being in no contact can provide a really fertile ground for you to act upon the normal fears and anxieties associated with cutting someone off who in many cases, you still see a future with.

  • You want your ex to know how much he’s hurt you.
  • You want him to feel enough genuine remorse that he owns up to what he really did and apologizes.
  • You want him to realize what he’s lost.
  • You want him to take accountability so that you can be friends again and possibly, eventually go back to the way it was.
  • You want to know that he hasn’t forgotten about you.
  • You need affirmation that you aren’t as discardable as his actions/inactions and deceit have made you feel.
  • You don’t want to come across as immature or mean for implementing the no contact rule.
  • You want to know what to do because you’re in no contact and omg… HE JUST TEXED YOU.

You want to know if you’re really even doing the right thing by implementing the no contact rule. 

So many wants and what ifs.

It’s time to simplify.

Here’s what you need to know that will make the no contact rule 1000 times easier and more effective…

How long should you implement the no contact rule?

There’s really no set amount of time. I’m still in no contact with people from years and years ago. I don’t make a concerted effort to not call them and I’m not ever thinking about it, I’m just living my life. If you’re fresh off a breakup and you want to know how long to implement the no contact rule, understand that contact should only be re-established when you’ve healed and there is a genuine desire for reconciliation on the other person’s end (as opposed to panicking because they’ve lost their air supply of narcissistic attention). You should never telephonically, technologically or physically chase after anyone who in any way, participated in your dishonoring. If you feel like communicating with your ex in any way would cost you or be a betrayal to your instinct… stay in no contact. The sky won’t fall. It’s whenever YOU feel good about it. More on this below.

But what if my ex texts me? How do I respond if I’m implementing the no contact rule and they ask me a direct question? (READ THIS ONE no matter what):

If your ex reaches out to you, it can really mess with you and also be passively manipulative and down-right selfishly cruel. Especially if you’re still dealing with the heartbreak and sense of loss associated with their absence. The best way to disable your triggers and make sense of what to do is to establish what kind of contact it really is. There’s a difference between selfish regret and genuine remorse. Not all contact from your ex is indicative of genuine remorse, wanting to reconcile or make things right on any level – even as friends.

After a breakup, you are at your most vulnerable emotionally. It can be really hard to discern if the contact from your ex is them throwing you crumbs or taking a step toward wanting to reconcile in any way, with consideration of your feelings and awareness of what they did.

Basically, any kind of contact from your ex that does not clearly communicate the intent to listen to you, to make things right (without knowing if you’ll even be open to it), to apologize and to reconcile is crumb throwing.

Examples of crumb throwing texts: “I’m sorry,” “I miss you,” “Hope that you’re doing well,” “Hi. Please let me know if you’re okay,” etc. YAWN. I also have a huge problem with exclamation marks. Whenever you get a “hey!” or a “hi!!” it just reeks of disingenuous, “I’m-going-to-pretend-like-I’m-doing-well-and-keeping-the-convo-light-despite-the-fact-that-I-hurt-you-and-was-a-complete-f*cktard.” The thing is, if you take your nerves/emotions out of the equation and examine it logically, NONE of these lame forms of chain-yanking express any genuine remorse or desire to work on making things right, taking a step forward, reconciling or awareness of what they did to cause to you to go all “no contact rule” on them.

Remember this: The no contact rule is a time for you to heal and for your ex to experience the reality of your absence and the consequences of their actions and decisions. Hearing from you allows them to feel: 1) an ego boost 2) like you’re still an option 3) less guilty for what they did/didn’t do.

So how do I respond??

First of all, you don’t need to. If you get crumbs thrown your way in the name of a chain-yanking text and DO want to respond… Always be kind, polite and extremely short. End it. Don’t keep the conversation going.

Why?

It shows that you’re living your life, moving on and that you place a high value on yourself and your time. It also shows that it’s going to take more than a few indirect texts to be in communication with you. When you hold yourself in high regard, crumbs will never be able to validate you because you’re already validating yourself.

Your ex wanting to know how you’re doing, who you’re doing or what you’ve been up to makes no sense when they engaged in behavior and made decisions that caused a fracture in your relationship. And if you’re on your way and healing, their behavior during no contact can actually affirm why you want to remain in it.

If someone truly wants to make things right, reconcile and apologize, believe me when I say they will be empathetically direct about it and won’t stop at a few lame texts.

What if they think I’m being immature or rude?

First of all, there’s nothing rude or immature about cutting communication with someone who hurt you. In fact, it’s about the most mature thing that you can do and the surest way to command respect. You’re doing something that 99% of the population can’t (speaking with your actions).

If you’ve responded and kept your answers very short and closed-ended, keep in mind that there’s nothing rude about that at all. You’re simply choosing to not engage in further communication with crumbs so that your ex can feel like less of a sh*t.

A few years ago, an ex texted me that he missed me and that “life just wasn’t the same.” I took the bait and this is what I’ve learned along the way: Missing someone is not a precursor to wanting them back, being genuinely remorseful, wanting to apologize (first and foremost as a friend), wanting to reconcile and empathizing with you on any level.

Your ex made decisions in the relationship with you that came with the risk of losing you. Let them know through your silence and absence that you respect their decisions. And let them live with it.

When you choose to remain in contact with your ex in an effort to numb your fears and insecurities, you are basically communicating to your ex that he can find much better than you. How? If you can’t walk away from someone who hurt you out of sheer self-love, boundaries and knowingness of your value, then you are not someone worth having for more than a momentary doormatting session.

Men don’t like an emotional challenge (that’s called playing games and it’s wrong). They like an intellectual one. This isn’t about game playing at all. It’s about not being that desperate and setting your own standards. The right man/woman will appreciate it.

No matter what, always put yourself, your well-being and healing first. Take good care of your heart and stop going back to an ex who has broken it before, by responding to crumb throwing, chain-yanking texts. This kind of communication is an insult to your intelligence and instinct. Your disgust factor needs to outweigh your desperation.

Will applying the no contact rule make my ex realize what he/she has lost?

Who cares? If someone has to completely lose you to recognize your value, worth and irreplaceability, that’s like adding insult to injury.

It will only flatter you if you suffer from low self esteem.

Plus, you’ll never feel good about being with someone that you had to pull the communication plug on for them to “snap into shape.”

You’re not running an emotional daycare center.

There are PLENTY of adults in this world who can stand on both intellectual, emotional and empathetic feet. Take your focus off the emotional bed sh*tter that your ex has proven to be.

This isn’t about having a lack of experience in serious relationships, it’s about having a lack of honesty, empathy, respect and humanity.

Don’t be so desperate that you derive value from orchestrating emotional operas.

Can we still be friends?

Slow down. IF friendship happens, it happens when you’ve both healed and they’ve proven to be worthy of and interested in genuine friendship. To give you some perspective, I’m good friends with 1 out of all my exes.

I want my ex to know how wrong what they did was and how much it hurt me. Will implementing the no contact rule do this?

If you have to spell it out for someone to empathize with you, be honest with you and apologize…

HOW is that sexy? HOW can you respect that?

And without empathy or respect, there.is.no.relationship.

Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you. What will NEVER be best for you is engaging with anyone who can’t see your value. Not because you don’t have any, but because they can’t see their own.

Live your life, be kind and be your own best friend first.

Ciao ciao. Still traveling around, working on the book and so much more 🙂 Love to you all.

xx Natasha

if you need further or more personalized help, please look into working with me here

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89 comments

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Natasha! This is your best post EVER. Do you even know how many people you help around the world? You are a true healer and angel on this earth. I can’t wait for your book and show to come out!!!

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My sentiments exactly Janice. Thanks Natasha.

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🙂 XOXO

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Thank you again for your words of genius. I’ve gone no contact with the guy who drove me to your blog to begin with, my best friend who I’m in love with. I miss him so much as there was empathy and love in our friendship, but I made the decision to stop reaching out so I can get over my feelings for him and work on myself after he made it clear he can’t give me what I want. It’s been hard as hell but this post gave me the exact encouragement I need.
Wishing you safe and happy travels ❤❤

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Hi Vanessa! I’m happy that the post helped 🙂 Thank you for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe. It means everything to me. You aren’t alone in any of your feelings and what you are experiencing. Sending you big love sister. XOXO

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Natasha, I can’t believe how much I’ve learned from you in such a short amount of time! Thank you so much for being brave enough to put your truth out there, I am endlessly grateful. Now, quickly finish up that book! Here’s just a sampling of the invaluable knowledge I’ve gained from PMS.

TOP 10 (OUT OF A GAZILLION) THINGS NATASHA HAS TAUGHT ME:
1. BOUNDARIES. ACT on them and you won’t feel the need to say much of anything. Because it’s already DONE. What’s left to talk about?
2. DO NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S BEHAVIOR. What other people do or don’t do/say or don’t say is ALWAYS a window
into their mental state, NOT a mirror that reflects your value.
3. Corollary of the #2: I understand now why paying attention to actions is truly a gift – it provides important feedback and data that we should
process and use to decide which ACTION to take next that serves our emotional health. Others’ actions are not to be taken as some sort of
burden and/or responsibility that’s laid down at your feet to try to fix or change.
4. Women and men alike who master #1-3 have the seemingly magical power to validate themselves. Oh, sweet freedom!
5. Ladies, do not date the proverbial “puppy kicker” that Natasha aptly describes in a past post. It’s NOT an attractive quality no matter how
many other great traits he has. Nor one we could ever truly accept deep down.
6. CALM is a muthafrickin’ superpower. Provide no reaction as your chosen response and I can almost picture the so-called
f*cktards/narcissists/emotionally unavailables falling flat on their faces as they push against no opposing force. #whitehorse4lyfe
7. It’s okay to feel triggered, scared, insecure. Be aware of it, be curious about it, don’t hate yourself for it. There is a lesson to be learned no
matter the situation. Do not let the (overwhelming) pain blind you to this opportunity to get to know yourself. Otherwise, what was the
whole point of going through all that excruciating pain?
8. Feel your feelings. Embrace, even run towards them. I’ve found it has the ironic effect of dissipating its power over me. Let it come, and it
most certainly always passes. Natasha’s naming it a “pain contraction” is so, so spot on.
9. Look out for and take care of your younger self. In the short time that I’ve thought about and done this, I already feel a small, but very real
healing of old wounds and bolstering of my self-esteem.
10. Own your story and own yourself, flaws and all. For me, this was the most kick in the rear-end words I’ve read thus far on PMS – “We are all
suffering from a terminal condition. It’s called LIFE.” We’ve got lives to LIVE!
xo

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Very well written Amy I couldn’t have said it better! I loved this! I’m with you on all of that!

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Thanks! We’re all in this together, so grateful for this community 💕xo

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Yes we are 🙂 Ditto! xoxo

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Thanks Emily! 🙂 XOXO

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Amy,

I am crying the best kind of tears to cry – ones of immeasurable appreciation, gratitude and love for you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write this and for being the light that you are to so many people. You are incredible.

All my love to you soul sister. Your comment inspired a post that I’m going to write soon.

Thank you. So much. xxxx

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Natasha, your impact is boundless. Can’t wait for that post! xo

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🙂♥️😘

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Beautiful words, Amy xx 😘

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Thanks, Lorelle. You too – always like reading what you have to say! xo

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Eloquently written Natasha. Thanks again for helping us to heal. This was just what I needed today. Hope you are enjoying your travels and can’t wait for the book!! Xoxo

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So happy it helped! Thanks Kathryn 🙂 xox

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By far the best post you’ve written and I’ve read them all!!

“Your disgust factor needs to outweigh your desperation.”

YES!! Fight for your self. Fight for your life. Life isn’t supposed to be a series of cleaning up after “emotional bed shitters”. We can’t fix/ change anyone except ourselves. If I can do it, anyone can. Thank you for teaching us how to fight for the little girl inside of all of us that was abandoned/ abused in some way.

XO

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YAY! I’m so glad that you enjoyed this post just as much as I did writing it 🙂

I couldn’t agree more. I want to hug and high 5 you at the same time! Sending you love sister. XOXO

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Brilliant post Natasha! Truly proud of you and cannot wait for your book already!

I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and 9 months and this fucktard cheated and chose someone else and in a relationship right now after the breakup. We had a plan to move to Canada together. Our application is still under process. Meanwhile we promised to hang in there and work hard to get a job and guess what he’s still jobless effin around while I worked my ass off and now I’m employed. I cut off all my contacts with him, blocked him everywhere, deleted his number. After a month he sends me an email saying this:
I am sending you this email because I need to tell you that I think about you every day.
I know things couldn’t possibly get any worse than they are right now. I do not want or expect anything.
I really truly loved you, I still care about you more than anything and I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you.
I was serious but it was all too much for me at once.
I know your PR application to Canada meant so much to you.
I am just letting you know about 2-3weeks ago I got an invitation to apply.
I got my police certificates, need to get my references, and doing my medical test today. All of which cost a shitload of money.
I most likely will submit everything this week, even if I have til November.
I do not know if you got any news from application. Like you said with your work you can probably work there if you wanted to.
I do not know if I will go there now. We had a plan but I fucked it up. It’s all out the window.
I do not know if I will go there in the end even if selected but being so far in the application process and paying so much money I am going to complete the process just because of a ”what if” scenario.
I do not know what life has in store.
I did want to go for better life/work opportunities, but whatever I do I see things that remind me of us.
If they ask me to go I’ll have to stay 2 years in a row then at least half of the following 4 years.
Anyway just wanted to let you know of the above.

That was his email and I didn’t reply. My mind is messed up cuz after reading your post this piece of sh*t email is basically that he is throwing crumbs!
I don’t know what to do, should I keep doing the no contact or shall I send him a short message that Im moving on?
Need your advice.
xx

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Hi Louis! Thank you 🙂 Happy that the post served you!

I can’t give advice in the comments section – I wish that I had more hands to type and hours in the day. I would also need more details. However, based just on the info you gave, I would ignore. I know it’s hard. You’re not alone. xx

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Wow, this post is so timely!

My ex broke up with me back in April citing “not having time”, needing to “work on himself” and “not being sure if I’m meant to be with anyone” because of supposed scarring from his parents’ divorce. Less than two months later, the day before my birthday, he posted explicit photos of he and a girl with heart emojis to his Instagram story. I was destroyed, thinking to myself “He has time, I’m just not worth it…she must be 10x more amazing than me…he found someone to be honest and open with and loyal to…what’s wrong with me?”…etc. I was so hurt but I didn’t react at all. I didn’t message, comment, or text him about it. He texted me the next day wishing me happy birthday and I said thank you and then asked him to please my contact me again. I immediately deleted and blocked his number. It was hard, but I KNEW it was for the better. I felt so guilty and lost and was looking for answers when I found this blog and learned about “no contact” and that I had done the right thing. It was so proud of myself for implementing this rule out of instinct and sticking to it. I also avoided looking at his Instagram as well as the girl’s which was SO HARD, but worth every bit of strength I have gained.

A few days ago, I received a DM request from a seemingly fake Instagram page. Although there was no profile picture, I recognized the handle and went back into my archives to discover that this user had been liking photos of mine since the day after my birthday. It was my ex. He revealed himself in this crumb message basically saying that he knows that I know I’m better off without him, that he knows I’m better off without him, and that he hopes I continue to be better off without him (ha,
I am and I will.) At first I wasnt sure about replying it not, but after checking in with my tribe they reminded me that he has not changed and that no maturity, apology, or friendship would come from responding. I left him on read and feel prouder, stronger, and more confident than ever because I KNOW I have my own back.

Natasha, everything you say is so spot on. Thank you thank you THANK YOU a thousand times over. You have affirmed to many of my instincts and taught me so much through your writing. I can’t wait to. It your book!

Much love <3

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Hi Adera!

I cannot thank you enough for sharing. You are exactly right – this isn’t a “rule” that needs to be implemented. It’s instinctual; the oldest and wisest part of your soul speaking to you.

I know how hard it is (and how impossible it seems), when you’re entrenched in it, but WOW. I am in awe of and so inspired by you. You did the right thing and the DM thing (lol) is indicative of the power that speaking with your actions will always have.

YES!!! You did the right thing! No need to respond to that.

Thank YOU – for the love, support, sisterhood and just for being you. Sending you big love and hugs. xx

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Thankyou Natasha..I’m 4 months into a break up and still suffering terribly..obsessing over him and the gut wrenching anxiety tha maybe he has someone else.
Your posts give me strength and hope xx

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It is my pleasure. You’re not alone Lara. XOXO

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No contact is super hard, it takes a lot of courage and it is very scary cos you know that this is it, there’s no way back and that makes you question if that’s the right decision because what if he changes, what if he needs time, what if you try harder because you already invested so much time and you are addicted to him… people are either ready for commitment or not, those who are ready will become your boyfriend within 2-3 months , those who are a waste of time, users, toxic ppl, future fakers, blaming everyone else victims will never be ready because they don’t want to be ready. They always have excuses and can’t see past their nose so they should be cut. Because they are comfortable with what they are doing and who they are. If they text you during no contact they either are bored, looking for ego stroke or a shag. If they are with sb new they get exactly same shitty treatment like you did and their relationship will never go anywhere because that’s the way they are. The hardest part is actually to realise that there’s no point in fighting for sth that is a waste of time because we don’t like giving up and feeling like we failed and it’s our fault something didn’t work out. Unless you get rid of the crappy guy you will never meet someone who will be happy to be with you and if you still think abt shitty ex would you really like to be with someone who was disrespecting you, making you insecure and unhappy for next 40 years ?

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Yep! xoxo

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Once again, you post the right thing at the right time for me. Cannot thank you enough for everything you do for us! I hope you know what a positive thing your blog has been in my life the past year and a half. I also love reading the comments on each post, such a wonderful community you have on PMS.

Much love to you always! xx

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Hi Justine! I’m so happy it helped! 🙂 Thank YOU for the love, support, for being a part of this tribe and for being the light that you are. I’m honored to have helped. You’re never alone <3 Right back at you sister! Sending you so much love. xxxx

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Hi Natasha. I find it so amazing that you post the perfect words and lessons when I’m at such a low point. It is truly a comfort. I am going on month three of no contact. Yesterday was extremely painful. I cried a lot and today as well. I read your words twice today and I’m grateful for them. I miss him so much. Although no contact is the right thing sometimes I feel so lonely and alone. The quiet reinforces my pain most days. I tend to think I should have been more for him and he would still be with me but then I remember that emotionally unavailable men make their choices to abandon no matter what you give them. I gave him my whole heart and love. There is nothing else and now I give him no contact as he wanted so he could “know the pain of being without me”. I have my doubts about that. One thing is that I have not called or texted him once since July. The pain cuts like a knife but this blog and thus tribe give me strength. Thank you all. Natasha I can’t wait for your book😊 Thank you for your words. You helped me today. 🌸 Take care.

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Linda, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m so happy that the post served you and believe me when I say, I know how hard it is. You are supported, loved and never alone in this. Love you soul sis. XOXO

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Linda,
Hang in there. Three months? You rock1 Keep going, the worst is behind you. The best is in front of you!

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Couldn’t agree more! xo

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Hi Natasha, This is amazing ! I love your writing. I feel my strength increase every time I read your posts. Thank you 😊 Please let me know if you have any meal ideas, you typed a post about your smoothie diet last year and I’ve continued to take it nearly every day since. It’s been a god send ❤️ Xxxxx

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Hi Jules!

It was, is and will always be my pleasure! I’m glad that the post served you and I definitely will let you know! That’s a great idea for a post/video 🙂 Thank you so much for being a part of this tribe and for being YOU.

So happy you like the smoothie! xxx

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Thanks for the post. My ex texted me less than three months after our breakup to tell me he’s engaged now. He got together with her three weeks after we split. I never replied as I was in no contact. Sometimes guilt creeps in that I should congratulate him or something then I realise it was just chain yanking.

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Good work, Millie. No one falls in love and gets engaged in three weeks. Especially after breaking up. There will be more tears and sadness for her than champagne and happiness. You’re the one that got away, baby girl! Yeah, ignore those texts and remember who you are: a girl way too good for him XX 😘💐

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Yep. Agreed! 🙂 Love you Lorelle. xx

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Thanks Lorelle and Natasha – being part of a tribe really helps. Xo

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It sure does 🙂 xx

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Happy that the post helped! Thanks for the support and for sharing Millie. You did the right thing! XO

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Three months?! Please, it’s infatuation not love. Good luck to her in three years.
You won, Karma will come around. Keep your chin up!

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Sometimes I come here and read things that just leave me speechless. This is one of them. Read this days ago. Now I’m commenting.

This no contact thing was hard for me.
He would text out of the blue and I always let myself believe it would be different.
This time.
But there were so many times that ironically nothing changed or evolved over 2 and a half years at all, although my self esteem whithered. 🥀

Looking back, I was the ultimate ego boost to him. One crumb and I was there.
“I think about you everyday”
“Hello”
“You good?”
”I miss you”
“I just wanted to say hello”
These kinds of crumbs….

I can see all he really wanted was an ego boost. To know I was still there. Still hooked. Still willing to dance the steps in the cat and mouse jig we had been performing. As soon as he got his fix, he would go cold on me and it would become another chapter of heartbreak.

But despite my falls, fails and attempts to move on completely, there was a lot of healing going on. I didn’t really notice it at the time but months later, I reached the sweet spot of feeling indifferent towards him.
I got rid of all the ways he could have contacted me, and finally quit stalking his Facebook!

I actually felt so at peace. The drama, pain, rejection and games were gone. Peace. Self love. Dignity replaced all of the heartache and rejection.

But I think something else happens when you become indifferent too. It shoots a comet of energy out there that your ex can feel. It’s like the change in the air when a season is beginning to turn into another. You can just sense things are not the same. In subtle ways at first, but it’s tangible.

I’m so grateful. It’s a beautiful feeling. To reach indifference. Powerful and liberating. A clean and healthy energy.

This is a beautiful post, Natasha. It was this blog that got me through that heartache too. I read post after post and it was like watering a thirsty plant. So healing and real food for the soul. When I first found this blog I stayed up so late and couldn’t stop reading. I knew I was on the right track and indeed, I did find my white horse during my journey.

Reading this just makes me feel so grateful and happy because I’ve succeeded at it and learnt many important lessons from it. It doesn’t matter if you fall. Just get back up. You might think you have failed but you just stumbled.

Love you, Natasha. 🌹

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Hey Lorelle – Your ex and my ex should get together and go bowling… I love seeing that you are at the apathetic stage – it is so freeing and amazing to finally achieve it. I am close, i think. More good days than bad at least. “It’s like the change in the air when a season is beginning to turn into another” perfect simile ! I got the same texts as you and i so wanted them to mean more than they did. I realized that was pretty much our whole relationship – me wanting him to feel more, connect more, empathize more, commit more. i was always left feeling not good enough because he wasn’t available. And i craved validation so much. So i finally stopped responding and really worked on healing. Then he said he would show up at my house to make sure i was ok, i told him that he had to stop contacting me, that its time to let it go. Its been over a month now. So the next time he contacts me, and i know he will, i hope to be indifferent. Natasha’s post is very timely as per usual! Take care of you, much love <3

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Can a few of my exes join in on the bowling? So proud of you Lori – you are believed in, loved and supported.

Indifference WILL come.

Love, value and appreciate you and Lorelle so much. XO

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Hello ladies,

The bowling thing really had me laughing and it’s even more ironic in my situation. I haven’t seen this person since June and, a couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, he sends me this very short film of him, at BOWLING. No hello, no hi, no nothing. That was followed by a photo of him and at that point I really didn’t know what was going on but my intuition said something was fishy. And it really was, because later on he informed me he was coming over to my town for business ( our “situationship” was long distance) so basically he was paving his way for getting some fast benefits ( which I used to deliver in the past buuuut… lesson learned).
I cannot wait for the morning when I will wake up and he will no longer be the first thing on my mind. At this stage I truly believe that indifference will be a true blessing and the ultimate liberation from what I put myself through for almost 2 years. And I cannot wait to have my piece of mind back.
No contact definitely is the best thing to do. For me it is because I feel like every time I used to respond, I was exposing myself. Probably it’s a form of emotional survival instinct but it will be ok, I will be ok and we will all be ok at some point. The thing is I still have feelings for this person but feelings, like everything else, are temporary and they will fade away when I/we truly decide to let go of them.
Thank you, ladies! For sharing your experiences, for making me know I’m really not alone in this. Thank you, Natasha, for your brilliant work and lucidity ( such a gift in this twisted world)!

Erin! that is awesome!! i laughed at my desk that you got a video of him bowling. The lengths they will go to… Our intuition is invaluable. Glad you listened to yourself! You are not alone at all in looking forward to the Day of Indifference. You will get there, we all will. This blog is a blessing, isn’t it? I adore the commenters and readers almost as much as Natasha – she is a godsend!

Me too! I laughed out loud. Thank you so much Lori <3 I feel the same way about you and everyone in this tribe 🙂 xx

Erin,

I literally LOL’d at the bowling video hahahahah

I agree – no contact; speaking with your actions is best <3 You are loved, supported and believed in. You WILL get through this and you're not alone.

It's my pleasure 🙂 I'm so happy to help!

XOXO

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Oh hi Lori, I laughed about the bowling comment. Lol absolutely !

You should reward yourself for each month of no contact. It’s an anniversary to be celebrated, and it’s all about you achieving self empowerment and that amazing feeling of indifference. Know too, that you cannot love someone who isn’t able to be emotionally available. Although we have our own issues to deal with (we all do) part of that for us is choosing someone who can never love us anyway.

I’m so glad you’re having more good days than bad. That’s a sign you’re on the right track and you are strong.
You have said all the right things to your ex and it’s truly something he has to live with. Alone. Without you.

Thanks so much for your words. Made me smile. And you’re doing an awesome job of being true to yourself.
Keep nurturing yourself and you’ll heal even faster. Things like fresh flowers in your home and a new lipstick add colour and beauty to your daily life. Little treats that make you feel good. That you deserve and the sense of self love ( that you’re worth it) grows. We often feel very unlovable after these relationsh*ts end. Being kind to yourself really helps turn that around.

Much love to you, Lori. ❤️ Hugs and stay away from all bowling venues 😂

❤️🌷💐💄💋💅🏻👛👠❤️

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Thanks, Lorelle!! I love reading your thoughts – so much love and light to people. Its heartwarming. 🙂

Agreed! 🙂

Lori! Just a shout out to you, too.
I am in the same boat, hoping for the same thing – indifference. But even in one week I feel better.
I want to send hugs to you, sending you strength and peace and am so glad after 2 years it is time for you first!
Keep going, you got this!

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I love this and could not agree more 🙂 x

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Could not have said it any better! Lorelle, you are not alone. I fed off the crumbs and as Natasha says “thinking it was a loaf”. Men like this are narcissistic and need an ego boost. KEEP GOING! <3

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Yep! Woman can be like this too. Could not agree more. Thanks Andrea! 🙂 XO

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I love you too Lorelle. You have such a gift with words and are able to convey the exact emotions we feel in the most assessable, compassionate and empathetic way.

This brought me to tears. Thank you for bringing more light, love and healing than you’ll ever know. xxxx

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Lorelle!

Wow! So well said. Thank you for writing this.
I am in the same exact situation. This was my first week of being DONE and going no contact with someone I work with still.
I feel in control now. I have the power over me.
I stay on my side of the building, no more chasing. No more reaction. No more seeking validation. I waved the white flag and have accepted
I “lost” and now I just feel at peace. I am no longer available to what is unavailable.

Thank you Natasha for this blog. You have helped me so much and given me so much strength xox

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You kill me Natasha….”we are not running an emotional daycare” Love it xo

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HAHAH 🙂 Thanks Melissa!

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Your blog is so awesome – thank you!
I’ve read several of your posts, my situation is that I’m ready to set my boundaries and have no contact with someone who has hurt me twice and needs to figure his shit out and get back to me when he’s done so and treats me better, but I’m not holding out for that happening!
But this week is the first time where I’ll see him and need to ACT on this rule, thank you for reminding me that being all talk and no action is not going to get me anywhere here. I’ve already asked for no contact through text, calls, etc. and that’s still going fine, but being in an environment where I see him a few times a week is a lot tougher.
I feel like I have this blog to look to, and I have two very supportive friends who are my “sponsors”, because I am a bit like an addict with this person who is just not good for me and needs to shape up (and I need to shape up too, to stand my ground).
He’s crossed my boundaries twice. The first time I thought, shame on you! And the second, well, shame on me!
But I feel like my task is to somehow have grace, composure, even be kind, but keep up my protective sphere and not give any ground to a person who I’d give an inch to and he’d try and take a mile. I can’t put up with that I know.
So thanks for your blog again because it’s inspiring me to take action and be strong. It’s so damn hard!!!!
Xoxo,
Sasha

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Hi Sasha!

Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 I’m honored to have helped! You got this!

Just remember that you are loved, supported, understood, believed in and never, EVER alone.

All my love to you. XOX

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Yay, I like this tribe so much! Love back!!!

I did want to share that I got through the week. I was very graceful somehow! & it made me feel powerful and kind of awesome. I was really impressed that putting up boundaries didn’t require me to have to be harsh, I was able to be kind yet firm, and that didn’t require too many words after all.

I’ve somehow managed to not “hide” in our shared workplace environment, because that would be so wrong and unfair to me, yet also somewhat naturally avoid in order to minimize contact, and in those moments where it was inevitable I got through that too, with minimal eye contact – just not giving much of myself to hold on to. Not an extra smile or extra eye contact. 🙂

It is HARD. But the self respect is so worth it. I feel like I have you and this wonderful community to thank for that! And my great friends who are my sponsors! Lol! Anyway, we all have got this! No, I’m not alone, none of us are alone. Thank you so much for reminding me of that!

Thank you for your blog again! I’ll be revisiting these posts every week in order to stay strong.

Thank you thank you!! Much love to you! And to the tribe! Xoxoxo,
Sasha

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YES! I love it 🙂 So proud of and happy for you sister. Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. You got this! XX

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Dear Natasha,
I’m on the other side of the fence. After 15 years of relationship, I fell for another man, confessed (and left him for the biggest doucheb*g on the planet). There were resentful arguments for two months, then things turned out… peaceful. Strange, I was the one leaving and I’ve been hurting as if I cheated myself, falling into a deep spiral layered with guilt, shame, loneliness, lack of self esteem, no confidence because of my poor judgement, you name it. A few months later, here comes another man. He’s caring, patient, an evolved human being. And here comes my ex again. Some memory-related texts, sweet but not cheesy, and a phone call where he tells me about his summer adventures, asks about mine, realizes that there’s someone in my life and asks me to cut off lo let me live the new relationship. But you are part of me, I said, whether I hear from you or I don’t. I try to rebuild my life on the emotional debris and perpetual doubts: is my ex really ready to stay with me or is this just a sick play? Why can’t I remember the real reason that made me feel unsatisfied? What about this new man (whom I always tell the truth, including the fog numbing my brain because I haven’t really had time to heal…). This message is to say thank you, Natasha. You give us perspective. Truth is, when you’ve been hurt you can blame someone else until you set yourself free, while when you’re the evil human being you can only blame yourself and there’s no way you can use the no contact rule against your brain. With love <3 V.

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I’m happy to help! Thank you V! xo

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Wow! This is brilliant.. wish I had this knowledge three months ago.. “could” have prevented a lot of pain that I caused on myself. Then again I’m not sure I was strong enough at the time to actually stay true to my boundaries and no contact. But knowledge is power and today I know better. I hope I can utilize this advice and so much of your other wisdom shared on this blog in the future. Thank you!

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Happy it helped! 🙂 Be easy on and forgive yourself – use what you know now moving forward. Thanks for the love and for being a part of this tribe Natasha! xo

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I hope someone sees this and reads this and shares a response. Im so confused and worried questioning if Im doing the right thing. I had to come back here today and reread “no contact rule” to try and remind and help me remind myself that Köt you are doing the right thing…. internally im freaking out. I came across your blog october 13th i have read every post since then printed out, post it some and re read many you have been my therapy this has been my therapy. but im aching today… October 1st I left his house with the intent I wasnt going back gathered all my things even asked him to help me cause I wanted him to really feel my exit this time. I had had it that night prior to waking up his “ex”(they were off and on for 20yrs since he was 17) called back to back THIS time at 6am. the night before it was 3am. and multiple times before in that past month 1am 2am 3am 6am phone calls I took them he never answered either he be knocked out so hard sleep or he end the calls but every time it was like whyyyyyyyyy is she calling but I never asked cause my mind was like “Köt you are here w him he is with you he isnt answering her calls dont trip” but after a month i couldnt take it anymore this sunday morning. he asked “what is wrong with you” and i sd “you know whats wrong with me and i dont know why you think its ok that she is doing this” and his response was “we are just friends she isnt thinking about you she calls when she is bored” and i respond “all hours off the night? its inconsiderate and disrespectful” and he sd “its my phone” and thats when i got up and began packing my stuff and we had few words, why are you leaving but nothing that made me want to hear him out and stay. that night i posted on my snap my Lasagne he snap me saying “you petty” i did not respond. next day he text “hi still being petty” i responded “takes one to know one”. the next day he DM’d me on IG a cute lil video and followed it up with a “still being petty” so i asked “what am i being petty about” i got no response. later that day he posts on his snap him and his ex’s daughter(not his child), which automatically lets me know ok he went to visit them. before even coming across this blog I sd to my self ok you cant respond to him anymore. fast forward to that friday he texts “can i cook the frozen tilapia that you left?” i instantly broil i freak out like this is your reach out im not even thinking about the food in your freezer. but i do not respond. and put his texts on “read” which i have never ever done for anyone before. a hour later he texts “oh ok still being petty” i dont respond. two wks have gone by nothing until this past Sunday but his reach out isnt to me its to my daughter, shes 17, he snap chats her, asking “is your mom ok. shes done with me does the fml emoji explains to her what happened that day and sd he realizes that i hurt her” my daughter simply says to him let her know you are thinking of her and apologize to her for what you have done and how you handled things. he says no more. my daughter shares with me that night when i come home what happened. last night he reached out to me he doesnt get home from work til midnight i received “song texts” two songs. at 1:20am “You by Majid Jordan” and at 1:29am “What You Do to Me” I saw that he text when I woke this morning, I prayed before opening them and just asked God please dont let this effect my day cause I am truly trying to stay on my unicorn. these songs made me cry. 1. because he isnt a softy and yes this pulled my heart strings. 2. he has never done anything like this like on this emotional level. 3. but because of that i cant tell if its crumbs. 🙁 as me and my daughter were getting ready this morning i told her and she asked did i respond and i didnt. and i still havent.she sd how do you feel i sd idk cause i have never done no contact before, but i also know he isnt a softy so for him to do this and the lyrics like speak for him idk idk how i feel i know he loves me i never doubt that its been 4yrs, its just shit like this ex and what is ok sometimes is like the two of them are too comfortable and its dysfunctional and like dependent and i know my boundaries couldnt take it anymore ILL BE HONEST she makes me insecure and he doesnt help with the weird whatever it is that they truly have makes me insecure too. so my daughter suggest why dont you just “love”the texts and be like so what does this mean. and i just said to her because I shouldnt still have to question it.
AM I WRONG??? SHOULD I HAVE RESPONDED THIS MORNING??? SHOULD I HAVE ASKED WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? or Am I doing the right thing by trying to stay on my white horse and just not respond to even this because its just lyrics someone else speaking for him, cause im still questioning is he trying to make things right? reconcile? he hasnt apologized? right???

im aching im still confused im writing cause i cant text him and i need to release im asking all this because i want to respond with action not reaction ugh.
🙁
Kötya

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Hi, you don’t know me at all but I feel like I care more abot you than this f*cktard you are dating. Yes, the songs are crumbs. It’s not just outside perspective giving me this 20/20 clarity. I was inlove with a f*cktard too. One of my friends said to me why do you make excuses for his behavior and actions when you would never dream of acting that way yourself? If you acted that way would you expect him to make excuses for you? No, you would expect him to drop you like a hot potato and find someone who didn’t act that way. He is soo emotionally immature he can’t even use his own words to apologize to you. He had to use someone else’s songs. If the roles were completely reversed and you were doing everything he is doing to you would you apologize thru song? Would you expect him to text you back? No, no you would not. He does not respect you or he would cut the ex off just for the simple fact that when you love someone you compromise and you don’t do anything that makes them feel disrespected or devalued. You would not treat him the way he has and is treating you so why do you put up with it? He has not changed at all. He hasn’t cut the ex off and he can’t even apologize to you. He is the one being petty. Posting pics trying to make you jealous and going thru your 17 year old daughter, really? That is pathetic and you know it.Trust your gut. You packed your things with the intention of never going back. You know you should stick to no contact. Do it. Block him on Snapchat. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you see his snaps. Find someone who deserves and appreciates you. And who would drop their ex in a second when they get wind it makes you feel uncomfortable. Yes, they are out there. Go find them.

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Thank you soooooo Alyssa thank you I needed to read this and I so appreciate your response. Thank you. Im just now coming back here to see if anyone responded. but I will share you are right about your entire response. But I did end up texting back a response to him Friday night. I simply said i needed some time to discern what the songs truly meant coming from him because I didnt want to respond asking questions, I also sd forgive me for not understanding clearly what his intent it that he was trying to communicate through the songs because the lyrics paint a clear picture that he wants to be with the girl he is singing about there is no questions or doubts. i shared that i had been too good to him to continue on to accept the things that he allows. and that i am finally taking my clearance tag off because i do realize i have a higher value than that and that i am worth more than this. i did get a lil soft and sd these songs did mean something to me coming from you but it also made me realize that you know i have been a good woman and to you. but the songs actually made me desire someone truly feeling that exact passion and love that he is singing about and you dont make me feel like you really want to make this work and not allow certain things to happen that effects our relationship. and i sd so if you are not really ready to be in a relationship with me then thats fine and thats cool go on and continue to do you because im done feeling like im not good enough “almost” or that i have to accept what you allow from your ex. his response was just the 100 emoji with the word respect. i did not respond. i had mixed emotions about his response but at the same time me stating if he isnt ready just do you. each day Alyssa im getting a lil better and doing the daily things i need to heal and love on myself and i just pray and hope it continues to just get better. thank you again for your kind words i still needed them and i receive them. xo.

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How do you implement the no contact rule when you work together? I love your site. I wish I would’ve found it years ago. It is changing my life.

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Hi Alyssa! I wish that I had the time to advise in the comments section. Hope this helps XOXO

https://postmalesyndrome.com/working-with-an-ex-the-worst-right-heres-what-to-do/

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For the first time in two weeks of no contact, I’m kinda proud to say that.. I don’t feel like going to his Instagram profile/checking his last seen anymore. Wow. Just wow.

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YES!!!! Isn’t that the best feeling? You go girl. XOXO

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My boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up two weeks ago after 4 years of dating. Neither he nor I has ever been married, although I have had longer long term relationships than he. He’s 62, I’m 52. The relationship was almost solely based on his likes (restaurant we both loved but for him had to go there more than I liked). He didn’t like to travel (either by car or plane so luckily I have a group of girls to go on vacation with each year). We went to the wine country on Long Island twice in the 4 years we dated (the most he would be away with me for was 2 nights). The “issue” of commitment, particularly “marriage” has come up numerous times during our relationship with him finally admitting to “never wanting to get married”. I understand that this might be the case for a man who was never married or even in long term relationships other than this one, but to not want to live together at some point just seems strange to me. It’s not something I/we could have done anyway right now. My mom lives with me and is elderly. However, when we first dating, he did bring up living together at some point. Everyone, including my mom said”You have to accept him for who he is if you can’t, you have to move on” I had broken up with him in June of 2016 for the same reasons: didn’t want to travel, didn’t want to spend more time (We saw each other once during the week and EVERY Saturday night (he also stayed over that night) and then he was out the door every Sunday morning doing his stuff (tennis or basketball). I know he is a bit of a loner and most likely doesn’t want to lose his independence. I like my alone time and friend time as well, but he would not waver. Very rarely did we spend a Sunday or holiday weekend together.. only one or two days if it was a long weekend. He is an attorney with his own practice and had a lot of business functions to attend to. He is a very funny guy. Always is a good mood,, joking with everyone. Always made me laugh and others laugh. Everyone thought we looked so happy all the time when we were together. He called me after 6 weeks of NC last July and wanted to get together for dinner. I agreed,only if he was going to compromise on things. He said he would and stated that he would consider travelling on a plane with me and seeing me more on Sundays. In the next year that followed, this was not the case and I finally found myself “not Happy” once again and told him this two weeks ago. I said I didn’t want to settle and felt that I was doing that with him. I do love him and care about him, but I know he is not going to change . . for me or anyone. He is 62 and set in his ways. He says now that he doesn’t know if he can ever live with anyone, but previously that was a carot that he dangled. He kept saying he has spent more time with me, called me more and saw me more consistently than any other woman he has every dated and I believe him.
We did end amicably, but he was the one who was happy in the relationship. I said to him “Of course you are, because it’s all about you. Anyway it’s been two weeks. He called me last week because he owes me money for a concert I paid for and I texted him the information he needed and that was that. I do want to hear from him and that he misses me and that he will change but I know that he won’t.

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I am trying to shake today off. I have been doing so good for 2 weeks with no contact.
I work with him. A week ago he texted me he would have the window to my office fixed, since I put a work order in.
I did not respond. Well, it was fixed so I sent him a “thank you for having the window fixed”.
Of course ZERO response from him! Not even a ” You’re welcome”.
I felt like a thank you email was appropriate, now I am kicking myself!
See how this dynamic has caused me such angst and rejection?!
I unravel because I am so used to his rejecting me, his hot and cold. A year and a half of this.
So now I am back at DAY ONE of no contact.
I just had to vent, thank you if anyone actually reads this xox

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Hi Catherine! Don’t worry about it and beat yourself up! It’s okay 🙂 We are all behind you 1000%. You got this! XO

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Thank you. I am looking forward to reading your book.

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XOXO 🙂 Thanks Catherine!

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What should I️ I️ if I️ already made a fool out of myself by reaching out a couple times?

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I am probably much older than most here, but I I needed to read this today. I divorced decades ago, raised my son and led a great, single life. I dated, had relationships etc. Then, at 54 years old, I fell in love for the very first time in my life. The real thing, or so I thought for two years. We met when he was just ending his 29 year marriage from hell. Typical mistake, we fell too hard and way too fast. Everything was wonderful, we moved in together soon and lived and loved and laughed. Right up until two months ago. I went to bed happy and woke up to “I need a break”. He looked like he was dying. He said he loved me but he just wasn’t ready for me. I moved out that day. After several email and face to face conversations that involved a lot of “I love you but I need the experiences you have had…I need to date around…I need to know if I can trust my feelings…I love you but it just cant be right now…I said “Good-bye”
and now, two months later, I am still so very sad. Getting better but at my age, and living in a small town, I know that finding the kind of happiness we had is very slim chance. Its hard to let go because I do believe he just freaked out and needs to see what single life is all about. He is terrified of going through another failed relationship (althought what the hell was this). The feeling of he might come back is always there and i want that feeling GONE.
Never thought this is where I would be at this point in my life…

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You are supported and never alone Jana <3 xo

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I’ve been going through so much emotional trauma after my relationship of 3 years ended 7 months ago. He cheated, had a sidepiece, violated, and broke my heart. I did well in the summer but I run into him at school all the time. We already had “casual sex” 3 times, resulting in me crying and obsessing for days and silence on his end. I hear from him again when he wants to have sex, but he always starts the convo by asking me how I’ve been and this his mom misses me and so does he. I feel like he traps me emotionally, we f*ck, and then he disappears. I know I deserve the world but I keep thinking time will mature him and make things better but he always just wants one thing. I miss him and who we used to be and I can’t get over him as pathetic as all this sounds..

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Hi Lea, I know it’s hard. Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that you’re never alone in this. Don’t engage in anything that costs you your dignity. We all believe in and love you. Thanks for being a part of this tribe. XO

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Not pathetic, we’ve all been there. We’ve all lost our dignity at one time, so chin up.
I think someday if you are able to tell him no, that will empower you, and you’ll start getting your confidence back from there.
I really struggled for 3 months, but there is a kind of power in letting go, and after crying for so long I kind of said ” I lost,
I accept defeat, this will never be what I hoped it would” And I stopped trying to get his attention, trying to get him to change his
mind, stopped hoping for an apology, I just stopped the insanity. Now I just want peace, and I’m finally starting to get better.
Give him no reaction, he has nothing new to say. Just don’t answer. He was wrong, he knows it, you don’t have to even explain
why, just don’t respond. You owe him zero. The day you say no, is the day your situation will change!!

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YES. You go girl 🙂 Could not agree more. I’m writing something so incredibly similar in my book right now. Love it. XX

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I think we become “crazy and insane’ or whatever when we try and try and try to get a different outcome than the one that is
the reality smack dead in front of us. When are holding onto someone who has already left, or we are competing
against “Her”, or desperately trying to get him to change his mind, we lose our minds. We are running on nerves, running on empty,
throwing away the core of who we are in a sad attempt to change what we perceive to be the flaws that “must have made him not choose me”.
It’s so exhausting and toxic.
When I finally said ” I lost. I failed. He chose her. There is nothing more I can do. I ‘m done” I felt a sense of relief. When you are at ground zero, accepting you lost becomes easier than fearing the loss, because we will do anything to avoid this realization.
But once you accept it, you can kind of rebuild your life from the ashes so to speak. And there is a whole world out there besides him, it just takes time.

Yes! Thank you so much for sharing Catherine 🙂 xx

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