“My ex says he changed. Do I believe him? What does this mean? What should I do?” This is a question that I get asked a lot from clients and readers.
When your ex reappears and says he has changed… he needs to be able to tell you exactly what it is that has changed – without you having to ask.
If he hasn’t truly changed, he will be banking on the hope that you have the same level of insecurity and low self esteem that you had in your relationship. If you do, you’ll eat up the “I’ve changed” monologue right away. He can then get back the control, access, and validation that he’s after (because remember, he is just as insecure as you were).
If someone has truly changed…
- They will give you the time and the space that you need to process.
- They’ll prove to you through their consistent actions that they’ve changed.
- There won’t be in any kind of pressure to secure your forgiveness and get back together.
If you’re in the “my ex says he changed. Should I take him back?” boat, keep this in mind…
When you’re wanting to appear to have changed, you’ll tell everyone. When you actually have… everyone will tell YOU.
If your ex comes back and says that he WILL change… no. Let him fully clean up his side of the street first.
Change can only happen when responsibility is taken and there is a genuine desire to change for yourself – not a selfish agenda. Feeling out of control and wanting to put a bandage on your bruised ego by making a phone call or sending a text and claiming to have changed is not indicative of real change. It’s just more of the same bs.
I’m not saying that people don’t change. They most certainly do. I’ve definitely changed. When people change, it happens because they want it and they’re motivated to change; they’re ready. I changed because I decided to take accountability and wanted to do it for ME. Not because I was scared of losing some guy I f*cked over and was faced with either not getting what I wanted or having to “change.”
Being so enthusiastically receptive will translate to him that you still think low enough of yourself to get taken in by his WORDS. If he dishonored you in the past, his words should not mean much at this point.
Let him explain himself and while he does, remain nonreactive. Don’t hold your breath and understand that real change takes time.
When someone has really changed, you will feel it. They won’t ask anything of or pressure you back into a dynamic that they destroyed.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.