There are so many girls out there whose family, friends, sorority sisters, plastic surgeon, brother’s ex-girlfriend, first-grade teacher, ex-boyfriends, third cousin’s prom date, wacky aunt, hot stepbrother, job, diet, workout regime, dog, cat, etc. I used to know. And when I say “I used to know,” I mean that if the SAT was a standardized test of their lives, I’d be working on my second doctorate at Stanford right now.

I knew these girls better than I knew myself. I actually got to know some of them so well, I exhausted myself trying to get to know them any better.

So why don’t we have a single memory or photo together? Because they don’t actually know me. They might know of me, but they don’t know me. At all.

How might they know of me? If they came across a photo of their boyfriend and me together and asked him who I was… then they would know.

I was the ex and they were the girls that I could never be. The ones that even though I knew deep down, I shouldn’t compare myself to, I couldn’t help but do so. He had chosen her and she was now with him – the him that I deserved, the him that I did everything for, and the him that suddenly wanted a committed relationship and everything that I was only good enough to experience the promise of but never the actuality. And now, she was.

I was alone, picking up the pieces and couldn’t stop social media stalking. I wanted to know everything about my ex’s new girlfriend. Why couldn’t I ever be the chosen one? Why was it always “her” and not me? How could he say that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then all of a sudden give her the relationship that I wanted with him? And how could two hours have just gone by and I’m now on her Mom’s boss’s daughter’s prom date’s Instagram profile?

Why did I even care?! I couldn’t stop the obsessive thoughts and behavior.

With some exes, I couldn’t say for certain that I even wanted them back. I knew deep down that he wasn’t right for me and that it could never work. I knew that there was nothing he could ever say that would justify what he did and give me the closure I deserved. I knew he was emotionally unavailable. But that didn’t make it any easier or less heartbreaking when I found out he was dating someone new.

The only way I can explain it is that I didn’t really want him back, but I also didn’t want him to be dating someone new.

I wanted him to suffer the way I had and regret what he lost.

It hurts even more when your ex starts dating someone that you feel like you’re better than, smarter than, prettier than, more educated than, etc. And NO, I’m not saying that some people are better than others. We are all equal, but when you’re coming from such an emotionally triggered, vulnerable state and you don’t have any boundaries or self-love to tap into, you will start to unjustifiably pedestal someone who you don’t even know. Yourself being at the top of that list.

My biggest problem was that the extent to which I actually knew these girls was just as limited and superficial as I knew myself.

And because my sense of reality had become so distorted, I would convince myself that he had changed for the better. She was the “better” I could never be.

“Why them and never me? is a question that I’ve asked myself throughout my entire life. And that question isn’t just applicable to relationships.

It’s a question that has robbed me of time I’ll never get back – time that I could have been kicking ass and building my own life instead of getting my Master’s Degree in taking screenshots of people I don’t know and zooming in.

I stopped asking the “why her and never me?” question a long time ago and oddly enough… when I stopped hating, comparing, being jealous, and seeking answers at the expense of my dignity, I stopped being the girl that never got chosen. The moment you choose yourself is the moment others will want you to choose them.

So what do you do when your ex starts dating someone new and you find yourself at a total loss of control, reason, and pain relief?

What does it all mean?

Will you ever get past the feeling of always being passed on?

First – you need to realize that you are not the insanity that you are feeling. You are the awareness of it. Who you are is the girl who took the initiative to read this post because deep down, you know what’s up. You are not your uncontrollable feelings of doubt, heartbreak, obsession and insecurity.

That is not you.

Who you are is the awareness. The reason that you associate who you are with how you feel is because it’s scary to face finality, murder the familiarity of desperation, and take action.

The bird’s-eye view awareness that you have above the drama, above the bs, and above the pain? THAT’S who the f*ck you are.

The fact that you are obsessing to the extent that you are, means that something is very wrong. You are essentially proving to yourself (your true self; the awareness), that you don’t respect or value your time. You are clearly all good with wasting it, obsessing over someone that didn’t value or respect you (because they don’t value and respect themselves – you can’t give a dollar that you don’t have), along with some girl you don’t even know.

You can’t get out of the obsession because obsession is rooted in self-blame and as long as you can continue to blame yourself, you can hang onto the relationship and hit the “pause” button on your own life story, a story that will always continue to play out regardless of the buttons that you choose to press. It’s up to you how action-packed and gratifying that story is.

By continuing to obsess and look at his social media, you are essentially sticking your own head in the toilet and then complaining about the smell. 

Stay strong and avoid sticking your head in the relational toilet. I know it’s hard to not give yourself continual whirlies, but you CAN do it.

You KNOW the truth. USE what happened in reality to inspire your progress.

Remember this because it’s the key to opening every locked door in your life:  You attract, are attracted to, and will continue to miss and be heartbroken over people who treat you, care for you, and feel for you the exact way that you treat, care for, and feel for yourself.

Every time you put your head back in the toilet, you are doing so while robbing yourself of the dignity that is your birthright. It’s empowering to get up, flush the toilet for good and go wash your hair clean.

Your ex choosing to date/do whoever he wants after your relationship has ended has nothing to do with you. It’s not about you, it’s about him.

And It’s not about her either because you are both two different people. If he was f*cked up when you were with him and he’s gone and started dating someone else, that means that he hasn’t changed.

So, that “special relationship” that you think he has with her? Not so much. There’s something about her that allows him to believe that he can continue being himself. And if you’re envious of a girl who is he will eventually show his true colors to, there’s absolutely no need to be jealous of her. You already are her. The only difference is that you actually dodged the bullet. Never be jealous of someone for not yet knowing everything that you already DO.

Be the unicorn amongst all of the common horses on the range. Stop engaging with and obsessing over anyone who can’t recognize your value. Rid yourself of this crap once and for all.

When your ex starts dating someone new…

You need to keep in mind that emotionally unavailable guys need people around who can make them feel like they’re not the emotional loser that deep down, they know they are. And because they have an inability to be accountable, they’re not going to be interested in connecting with anyone who is a mirror. They hate the reflection way too much.

This is why after a breakup, your ex will sometimes act in extreme ways as far as life decisions and dating go. It’s funny actually because if you take your own bruised ego out of it for one minute and see his social media postings for what they are (his lame attempt at starting an I’m-a-good-guy! campaign), you’ll see just how ridiculous it all is.

With a new girl, who he has not shown his true colors to yet, things will be all good at first. But when she starts to see through his bs or when she starts to expect “too much” from him, he will show those ugly colors the same way he did with you.

Sometimes, with the new girl he’s dating, if she begins to see through his agenda or if she makes it clear that she won’t put up with his crap, he will try a lot harder for a bit but it won’t last. He will revert back to his old ways because this is who he is. A cat can say “woof, woof” but it will always go back to meowing.

You need to stop focusing on the two of them because in doing so, you’re avoiding having to deal with yourself. You’re not seeing the bigger picture here. Instead of asking “Why her?,” you need to start asking “Why do I think that I’m not good enough to get my head out of the toilet?” 

It doesn’t matter if they got married, went onto have 2 perfect kids, a beautiful mansion with a white picket fence and a dog named Rover. He will never commit emotionally, empathetically, or physically the way that you need and deserve. EVER.

Oftentimes, it becomes more about winning and playing detective than it is about subscribing to reality and acting on it. And the reality is – he won’t change and is the exact same.

If you got back together, you’ll have to live with the knowingness that you involved yourself (again), with someone who treated you beyond poorly. And THAT will eat away at you, make you bitter, and rob you of any confidence, happiness, and gratitude you have left.

Not every girl out there puts up with hurtful actions and sh*tty behavior from people that don’t value them and make them question their worth. There are girls out there that actually know a red flag when they see one and act on it. There are girls out there who have healthy boundaries, healthy levels of self-esteem, and most important… they know that although their heart is broken, what their ex did to them is nothing personal and it’s not a reflection of their lack of value.

They have their own lives to live. They can identify an emotionally unavailable guy relatively quickly and instead of trying to seek validation from them, they are able to walk away because they are simply not interested in the drama, the mixed signals, and anyone who treats them any less than they treat themselves (which is pretty damn good). They have emotional and physical lives of their OWN.

These are the exact girls that emotionally unavailable guys will always refer to as ” The One That Got Away.

Focus on you, get behind yourself, and know your value. Who cares what he does? Go out there and do this for YOU.

You’ve got this. And you are worth so much more.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with getting over someone, please look into working with me here.

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59 comments

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This post was a total game changer for me. Natasha- I can’t thank you enough. Thank God for you. Before PMS, I thought I was alone in what I was going through and how I felt. THANK YOU!

I love the part where you say that we are the awareness, not the insanity. I am going to print this post out,

And your photo in this post!! GIRL, you are on fire!!

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🙂 thanks babe

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What an amazing piece Natasha. I just posted it on Facebook. SO good and so, so true!

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Love you thank you xx

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Oh…my…god….this is by far, one of the most amazing articles I have read. You have a gift my dear. This article is now being printed out and hung up on my wall to read and re-read.

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Agreed! So good!

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Reading this came at the right moment. I just find out he’s dating someone else at this second job and it really hurt me since us is so recent it’s too soon and he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and would be single for a while of course he was lying. Not only it’s too soon for this to happen but how much he hurt me with what happened and all the things he said to me that made it look i was the problem. I also noticed it’s a pattern, he’s dating someone at his second job we still work at the same place just different shifts but their it was me and at his previous job he also dated someone their. Even if I know he’s not good for me it hurts and we still talk to each other we hangout with the same people. We text or say hi in person but just as coworkers he said he won’t be my friend anymore like he always told me he insisted to be friends but now he says no and it’s better that way. I thought it was because of me but I just realized why. He’s dating someone else.

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I’m so happy that this was able to help. I would not recommend staying friends with him. If you have to be around him, just give the bare minimum and stay on the white horse. You deserve so much better. He’s emotionally unavailable and anything he does is about him, not you. I know how much it hurts. You aren’t alone xo

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So needed this reassurance right now! Thank you, as always!

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Thank YOU Amanda ???? You go girl ????????

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Thanks Natasha! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who could earn an Ivy League degree in social media stalking! I’ve actually taken a hiatus from social media and it’s been the best thing. I can now concentrate on me and not some girl I don’t know, and her family, friends, dog, cousins, etc….it’s my story and she doesn’t belong in it. Thanks for the reminder and support I needed in this post. You seriously are the sh*t.

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Love that! “It’s my story and she doesn’t belong in it.” So, so true.

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You indeed have a gift. I read this thinking my therapist’s analysis wasn’t nearly as on point as this post. It really is crazy how much time I/we spend obsessing about some chic I/we don’t even know. You are the best!

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Thanks babe ????????

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Natasha, how do you do it? I am thinking that there should be a special place in heaven set aside for you. Your insights are like some kind of guru for gals…….you are so gifted! Thanks for reminding everyone they are not alone in their wildly insecure moments.xoxo

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Hi Natasha,

I was wondering if you have any thoughts on this. When an ex gets married or chooses another girl over you, is it normal to have stomach cringing reaction? Even though when you aware of, that it would have never worked anyhow, you see clearly NOW how different you both were and you don’t want him back, and the most definitely you don’t miss him, but is it normal to have this weird reaction? It is like mixture of anger and annoyance….

Love,
Shahane xxx

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This is another GREAT article!!!!! Thank you again!

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xoxoxoxo

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WOW..Thank you so very much for putting such a fun spin on this really rough time. My X is the classic emotionally unavailable man. For two years I tried, doubled and tripled my efforts to be loved. He absorbed everything I had to offer..always saying he loved me but didn’t know what he wanted. He moved out and we did the on and off again for MONTHS. He finally said he didn’t want a relationship. Two weeks later he has met a woman that works at WAFFLE HOUSE…he has moved in with her already. WTF???
He told me that the entire 2 years we were together he was always looking for something else but since he met her he has deleted his profile on dating sites and has stopped looking and wants a relationship with her.
I believed for a time that he had destroyed me…but I am picking myself up.
These articles have put some sunshine on the shadow that used to be an abundantly loving heart.

Trish

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Thanks for sharing and thank you so much for reading Trish 🙂 You’re not alone and you will bounce back. I believe in you and if I can do it, so.can.you. All my love to you sister XOXOXOXOXO

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Natasha – for the first time in weeks I actually laughed out loud with the way you make a very emotional time almost bearable. Honestly you have made more of a difference to me then my $100 an hour therapist has. I read your blogs every single day to give me strength. I have to replace the guy part with girl but it is all the same since my ex is just like a guy and extremely narcissistic. My ex of only 4 weeks is seeing someone else because they are dedicating a crap load of songs to them on Facebook and refer to “someone special” – same as what she did to me when we first started “dating”. I am going to take note of some comments here and take a break from social media. I am cyber stalking my ex and being a spectator to her new life. I also find myself posting more selfies of myself on my page then ever before just to show her that I am not sitting at home pining for her (even though I have been). But that is not me, I mean who gives a crap that I am eating a sandwich or watching reruns of Golden Girls or drinking a beer at a pub. I need to get my head out of the toilet as you say because it is not good for me. My ex sold me a turd with a bow on it when we first started and I fell for it and then she just kept on being more of an ass and I kept taking it because I thought I was proving to her that I would never give up on her and always be there for her because she had such a rough life. Anyway, she dumped me so she could find herself which made me feel like I was doing something wrong and I did the usual “I should not have done this and that”.. I am now trying to accept that she is emotionally unavailable and just chases the high of a new relationship. It feeds her ego and she got from me what she needed. Hard pill to swallow….but she has a new victim now and I am sure this woman is going to go through what I went through. Thanks for listening!! xx So thankful for your advice!! Helen

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This is a great article. Exactly what i needed right now. And you are so on point. My ex is dating someone new now after 3 months of dumping me, siad he wasnt ready for a commitment. He’s bringing this new girl to his home country to visit his family, and they’ve only dated for less than 3 months? He is pretty into her, i can tell. But at the same time he told me he’s not going for a commitment with her (and he’s not going to tell her that). So basically he just wants her to be by his side without ever committing to her.
I felt bad for the new girl, maybe even a little jealous, seeing how he is so into her right now. But as you said Natasha, people never change. He is still f*cked up at the end of the day and this new girl probably cant change him as well. He is acting like a prince now, lavishing her and shit, but his true colors will show in time to come.

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Not to be dramatic, but I really feel like your blog has changed my life. You have a way of wording things to make us really understand our situations and have such a way of empowering us women. It’s true that I have to love myself and not worry about people who don’t belong in my life story. PLEASE tell me you’ll be writing a book one day. You are truly amazing!

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Justine, you’re going to make me cry. Thank you soul sister. I’m on it! videos, speaking engagements and a book all coming soon 🙂 Love you & thx for making my day xoxo

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Hi Natasha thank you for all of your good advice, it’s starting to help me a lot! But see I still need a little more help and I was hoping to see if you were able to help me…
I’ve recently found out that my boyfriend (well now ex) was cheating on me for a pretty good while, we talked about it, I questioned him, etc. And the last thing he told me was that he needed time alone to find himself again because he wasn’t that type of guy in the begging, nobody not even his friends recognize him, blaming everything on his lost mind. I on the other hand so dumb from my part said that I was gonna wait for him until he was ready and he agreed. The next day I found out that he was still in a relationship with the girl he cheated on me with, after he told me that he needed time alone! And that hurts me a lot, because I’m here waiting on him and he knowing still goes and continues on with that “cute” relationship they had and he also literally blocked me out of everything. I’m so hurt and confused on what to do…

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Hi Juliet!

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this; I know how exactly you feel. I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I can no longer give specific advice in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Thank you so much for your love, for reading and for your understanding. You’re not alone xxxxxx

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What is truly amazing, is that even though I have read each of these posts a hundred times (while I was up every night for months with a broken heart), is that no matter how many times I read them, I ALWAYS take away something new. It’s as if the articles change as I shift into different stages of healing. “You are the awareness” – I get it now. So much wisdom in each of these posts! Please never stop posting!

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Thanks beautiful! 🙂 I’m so proud of you and I promise to keep at it xoxo

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Wow, another great post. I commented a while back about recently finding your blog and it changing my life and my perspective, especially about my recent “relationshit” that wasn’t even a relationship, just a friends with benefits situation, because he told me he didn’t want to “label” anything or have any type of relationship. I was his doormat for a year and I’m still trying to get over the shame of that, and when he suddenly started dating someone else, posting pictures and sharing everything on social media and doing things that he never did with me, it hurt like hell and I’ve used your blog to really get over my obsession with stalking him and his new gf on social media.
Last week, when I thought I had finally gotten a handle on the urge to check his facebook(since I had unfollowed him a while back), his new “gf” started creeping on my profiles with no shame. She followed me on instagram with two different accounts(which I blocked immediately), friended me on facebook and liked all of my posts that I had tagged him in from long ago. It was the most bizarre thing and I knew my old self would have accepted her friend request and stalked the shit out of her facebook. Honestly, I really got the urge to do something drastic like post more pictures of us together and tag him in them so she could see them all, or reach out to him and ask him why she was creeping on me with no shame. Obviously she found out about our relationship somehow… and I was DYING to know what was said. I reached out to a friend instead, though, who talked me off the cliff, and I also thought a lot about what you’ve written about “staying on the white horse.” I didn’t message him or show any type of reaction.
I know I have you to thank for that, Natasha.

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You go girl! So proud of you. You did and are doing the right thing 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe and for sharing. Take everything that happened as a huge compliment and stay on that white horse. XOXO

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I’ve said before your blog has changed my life, but I want you to know this post is just pure gold. I’m still struggling with the obssesive thoughts but reading these words helps so much, and it’s getting easier and easier for me to resist the urge to reach out and stalk social media.

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And it was so good I even commented twice without realizing it, lol.

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lol xo

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Yayyyyy. You go girl! Proud of you! X

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Thank you, thank you. I keep coming back to your blog to heal from a toxic a**hole who continues to break my heart. I’m comforted by the success stories in the comments and the strength of other women. Your blog is so helpful and so spot on. You resonate with me the way no one else has. I cannot thank you enough. For a year I was in a never-committed thing that I fantasized all the time about being more. He was my soul mate. My person. He moved across the country in August (me foolishly offering to go with) and continued to sext me every few weeks.. Using me. Two weeks ago, via text and with me prodding for answers, he said he “was happy without me” and “didn’t have feelings for me anymore, maybe never did”. . I finally needed this answer and I got it. And then I see him passionately following and liking some girl’s Insta posts. A girl who’s not me. A girl who I suddenly imagine gets everything I wanted with him, that he was unwilling to give me. He’s connecting with her publicly on social media. He’s telling his mom about her. He’s buying her flowers. He never even bought me a drink. A girl who’s deemed more valuable than me because she’s younger and posts more selfies. I loved him, supported him, acquiesced to his needs and lack of communication. I was perfect. I’m left still asking “Why not me? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t you value me? I”m great!” Thank you for this. I need to be on the path to healing. He’s a user and a selfish person who confuses honesty with integrity. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much when these guys do this. You are wonderful and your blog has saved me. Love, light, and gratitude.

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Thank you sister 🙂 I’m so happy that the blog has helped and honored to play a small part in your healing and realizations. Thanks for being a part of this tribe Caren! All my love to you soul sister. xo

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Dear Natasha, first of all I want to say how much I live your blog, the way you write and the message you are sending out! I come to your blog every day and it gives me everytime strength and hope but still… My life seems to fall apart every day more, I not only fall for a narcissistic boy but I gave him everything of me. It all seemed so perfect, we texted for two weeks before we met and on our first day he already told me he loves me. 2 weeks later we moved together and everything was just a dream come true. He was perfect and he loved every inch of me, my actions, my voice, everything! He would show me around, tell everyone how deeply in love he is and told me he wants to get married, have children, we even thought about moving together with his mom. But then all of the sudden my prince became different. He didnt keep his words, dissappeared to his mother for days without telling me when he will be back, when it came to an argue he would frightened me with horrible words (I’ll break your nose, etc). My parents came to visit me and he not only slept in, but also didnt appear and didnt say sorry at all. In fact he told me it was my fault. Well this nightmare behavior went on and on. We didnt talk and I felt all alone. Then one day he told me if I wouldnt stop to put myself over him – the alphaman – he is going to kill me (WTF??!), so I packed my stuff overnight and left the country. I moved to my cousin who lives in the UK and at first he tried to get me back by bagging and swearing and so on.
I started to believe him and when I slowly started to react positive to his words he suddenly told me, he would have never loved me, that we just moved together because I made him to, he only was with me because I forced him To! I was never his type and I am stealing all his energy, that he has got a burnout because of me…etc,etc.. He was cold and said horrible things(fat,ugly,depressive) and gues what at that point he already had a new gf, which he shows happily around like he used to do it with me. That was just 2 to 3 weeks after he said he’d loved me forever..since then he ignores me and I stopped contacting him, but I am just miserable. I am seeing a counselor, traveling, doing new things but every inch of me misses him. This good looking, charming prince he was and now is with the new one. My friends and family said from the beginning he is a jerk, so talking with them about him is no option. I feel so stupid, weak, worthless.. Even though I read your articles everyday it doesnt seem to get better..as soon as I wake up I think about him..what can I do? Will it ever end? Was it maybe really all my fault? I dont know anymore…
Xxx
Francesca

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Hi Francesca!

Thanks sister! I’m so happy that the blog has helped 🙂 I wish that I could respond in depth, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice in the comments. I do offer coaching if you are interested. The link is at the top of the home page!

Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.

You’re not alone XOXO

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I swear you are my “soulmate”!! It’s like you are speaking directly to me. My ex is already in a relationship 3 months after our breakup! Talk about devastating! But I know the person he truly is and if his new gf knew of his antics a month before they were official, they wouldn’t be a couple! I am not going to get off my “white horse” to prove anything. I will focus on myself and let them both live their lives. I prefer to heal and deal before jumping into something so soon. Thanks Natasha! You are phenomenal!!

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YAAAAA! Proud of you Dee and honored to play a part in your healing and realizations. You go girl. XOXO

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I have to admit this is something that has always fascinated me about exes, because they are so many conflicting theories. Even I have a few:

For starters some of the emotionally unavailable, and definitely broken are looking constantly for their “game-changer”. They will pass time with dozens of women b/c they are looking for that person they believe will inspire them to change. They know they are damage, but instead of doing the work to fix themselves they believe a silver-bullet-woman, one that is a unicorn will spark this change. The problem some women confuse is, they see the broken-ness and try to fix it. This never works. The man will accept the help b/c he is drowning, and once he is back on his feet he will leave her for someone who does not know his history (a fresh start). It never fails. What he wanted was a “game-changer”, but instead he found a helping-hand and took advantage of the situation.

Then I get really confuse, because I think of George Clooney. Here is a man that swore up and down for years that he would never marry again, dated hundreds of beautiful women, then in a heartbeat met and married Amal Alamuddin. Was he emotionally unavailable, then he met his unicorn? Or was he never emotionally unavailable just not ready to settle down, and dated women he knew in his heart he was not compatible with from “go”? Did he simply waited it out until he met “the one”? This is where as women we also trip ourselves up because everyone wanted to be the exception to the rule and Mr. Clooney just reaped the benefits.

Lastly why do they always seem to settle down, or marry the next girl after us. I have a theory on that. In some cases I believe it ties into theory one, and in other extremes I believe it is the ultimate revenge on the ex. Their narcissistic behavior is communicating with their actions “see it was you all along, you were not enough”. This is the one that will head for divorce court faster than The Flash.

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The post may be old but the timing of it in my life is spot on. I needed to hear this today – thank you. xo

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Happy it helped!! 🙂 Thanks Karen! XOXO

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Bless you…I’m finally able to concentrate on my work for a little bit and I managed to swallow some food. Thank you so much for writing these.

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I’m honored to help <3 Truly. Thanks Diana. Sending you love. XOXO

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Hi Natasha,

First off, I want to say you’re absolutely gorgeous. I swear you can be a model; with all your posts, you’re already a positive, strong role model for other girls.

I wish I found your website earlier. I love the honest, raw emotions you pour into your posts, particularly your choice of words describing the sh*tbat-crazyass-insanely-accurate emotions we go through. Gosh, how correct you are. You’ve described exactly what I’ve felt following my break-up, and it’s comforting to know that you *get* it. You, and your posts, are relatable. Us girls are not alone, particularly if your close peers haven’t experienced what you have.

When I read through your posts, I can see the stage where I’m at, and finally, where I’ll be. For me, the hardest part was not social media stalking my ex. I’ve blocked/deleted him from the usual suspects – Facebook, Snapchat, phone number. But I still know his Netflix password and the websites to check whether he’s playing games…particularly games with *her*, the one he cheated on me with.

I mostly lapse and check on the websites, until I read this post where you use the toilet analogy. Omg, nothing struck me as much, probably because of the strong imagery but how brutally honest it was. I will NEVER be satisfied with what I see: if he plays solo, I think “don’t you have anything else to do”; if he plays with her, I get angry; if’s he’s not playing, I wonder what else he could be doing. Which explains why I always felt like sh*t when I checked, yet I still couldn’t stop. But after reading your post, I haven’t looked back 🙂

I’m not completely over it, but I’m close and can see the finish line. I can’t wait for the day I’m indifferent towards him, but I also know I can’t rush it. I need to complete the journey properly, because once I do, I know there’s no turning back. Thank you for sharing all your wisdom, Natasha, I know that one day soon I won’t be reading the blogs under “exes”.

Wishing you all the best with everything you do.

Much love,
Tiffany xx

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Hi Tiffany! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, sisterhood and for being a part of this tribe. I’m honored to have helped and glad that the posts have served you 🙂

You are loved, supported, understood, backed, believed in, empathized with and never alone in this (or ever!).

Sending you big love sister. xxxx

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Girl, I feel so blessed that I found you!
I can relate to everyone of your blogs and they are pushing me through this break up. After 3 years, together, he dumped me 6 weeks ago and after 3 weeks of being broken up, he announced on FB that he was in a relationship…it was a traumatic emotional shock for me and since then I’ve lost 15 pounds due to not being able to sleep or eat…he definitely meets all of you FT criteria. Anyway, I wanted to tell you thanks from the bottom of my heart! I’m gaining so much insight and self awareness from your blogs! You have such a gift and I love your wisdom!

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Thank you so much Janna! 🙂 I’m happy to help. You are supported, loved, understood and never, EVER alone. Thanks for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you soul sis. XO

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Hi Natasha…girl…we would definitely need one on one coaching for what I’ve been through recently. I can briefly start out by saying…I met a guy a little over a year ago….now my ex. Things were great at first….then I started to receive less text…less visits…but he still kept me in his corner. The other day…he came to me to tell me he met someone…whom I believe he’s known…that he’s moved in with her…he became homeless and needed a place to stay…I live in a small 2 bedroom apartment…but most likely she’s in a house…he always made me believe I was his girl….but instead he was seeing another on the side….could he have done this just for more room and convenience…help me with this…cause I’m so confused. T:))

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Hi Tina!

Yes – definitely look into the coaching.

I wish that I could answer/advise but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section.

Thanks for your love, for reading, and for your understanding. Other readers are here to support and I am going to be starting a secret Facebook group soon ?

All my love to you sister.

You are not alone xo

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I broke up with my long term boyfriend years ago, that’s when I discovered PMS 🙂 It helped A LOT. You helped get me up in the morning and slowly regaining who I was. Started dating again, unfortunately, as my mother tells me, I am a bad picker. 8 months and it ended. He left me emotionally months before I physically walked but that was something he couldn’t forgive. I tried to reconcile, talk, yell, cry, stalk – everything but to no avail. He has no interest in anything but a booty call. Needless to say, I went to see him because I still loved him. Every time I did, it was more painful and like ripping off the slow growing scab (sorry, that’s gross). I had to start all over. I texted, told him I wanted to work it out, that I thought we should try…to which he replied each and every time “calm the eff down.” Finally I had enough – I reread all your posts, some over and over again. With this one I felt I tried really hard to make it work because I’m not 25 anymore but I realized I mattered just as much as he did. My emotional needs weren’t being met and who he is with next is not my concern – I need to stop blaming myself for it all. He was NOT a communicator and I know I communicated verbally, in text, in email & in our one and only therapy (ridiculous especially since he suggested it) session…..I know I told him what I needed but he never acted on it. All of your posts gave me the strength, once again to see that and realize it. We have been broken up almost as long as we were together and I need to realize I’m worth more than I was giving myself credit for. I may not be 25 anymore but I’m not 95 either (45 actually) and I have a lot of life in me and I still have the hope of finding something to share my life with as my equal and partner, not with an emotionally controlling man. Thanks so much for all you do and thanks for being YOU!! xo

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Meredith,

It is my honor and pleasure 🙂 Thank YOU so much for sharing – You have no idea how many people you’ve helped through your vulnerability, courage, pain and resurrection. Thank you for being a part of this tribe – we are all behind you 1000%!

Love you sister. xoxo

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I love – and I mean love – PMS … and this has to be my favorite post of them all. From one chick in the middle of this, constantly vacillating between believing it and blaming myself for ruining my horrid experience, THANK YOU

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Jill,

I love – and I mean LOVE – YOU 🙂

I promise that you will never be a very old woman one day on your deathbed and wish that you would have blamed and beat yourself up more. You got this and you’re never alone. All my love to you sister. xox

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This is an older OG post but one that I have returned to multiple times when I have briefly thought of him and felt the vice around my heart tighten. Natasha, I am soooo grateful for your words and insight because they have truly pulled me out of some dark places. I have been tempted to jump off my white horse and rant and rave, continue to beg, plead, cry and scream for this man to love me. I was already disappointed with my actions following the breakup because I flip flopped between no contact and look-at-me attention tactics, anything to keep him in my life and for a time I allowed myself to settle for the only thing that kept us afloat, physical intimacy. My desperation and constant craving for his reassurance and validation for him even turned me off but I couldn’t stop. He was my first real relationship/love at 30 and my first romantic rejection.

My ex has truly moved on after a year of reassuring me (lying) “it’s not you, it’s me” or “I’m just not ready/want a relationship right now”. A year of me believing his words while I tried to pick up the pieces of my discarded heart and mend it while my eyes blurred with tears. I have always prided myself on my intuition and gut yet I ignored every flaming red flag while we were together (ugh first love). We broke up because he had stopped putting in any effort and I felt like I was just there and the indifference from him became heavy and weighted and our lack of communication/connection became too much to handle. I had become a shell of the person I was before him and he wasn’t happy either. I would retreat and return hoping that he would fight for me, for us. As I have become more honest with myself, the effort was never there and I projected and fed this doomed relationship. I was so desperate for his love that I lost sight of my own self-love and self-worth and I admit I truly hated myself. He was never truly present with me and I had never felt so lonely. The emotional unavailability between the both of us was enough to drive me crazy and have me searching for the solution. I lied to myself that he would change (for me) and the sweet, considerate guy that I had fallen for in the beginning of the relationship would return. The more he retreated, the more I chased. The more he made it evident that I was not what he wanted, the more I tried to convince him that I was. I fed off of his crumbs like I hadn’t eaten in months. I had allowed him to define my value and worth.

I became insanely jealous, anxious, and insecure during and after our relationship because it always felt like there was someone who was his ‘the one who got away’. I was suspicious of the women he followed on social media particularly because I knew he had been intimate with the majority of them, but never wanted to talk about his past with me/ reassure me just once (instead I was gaslit for my stalking and jealousy). I always felt my replacement was right in my face. Now he’s dating one of the women from his social media. Because I told him what had disappointed me in the relationship AFTER our breakup (in hopes of creating a stronger foundation and getting back together) I have seen hints that he is doing all of those things for her. Just a peek at social media won’t hurt right? Cue my heart breaking again. He is putting in the effort for her. We dated for close to a year and he never publicly acknowledged me beyond his small circle of friends. I felt like his side chick. We stopped going on dates, we only texted, stopped trying to get to know each other and deep meaningful conversations along with my self-esteem became non-existent as I allowed myself to consistently be treated less than I deserved (something he admitted). I was barely a part of his present and had deluded myself that I would be a part of his future (something he avoided talking about).

While I fear that I have fostered yet another broken man to be ready for his next relationship, I have to let it all go. I have to realize that either he will change for the better (as he has made apparent on social media) or he will unfold. He is a liar and a coward. He lied to me and to himself and I feel such disgust towards his character. But, whatever happens is absolutely none of my business. Natasha, the PMS tribe and comments have made me realize I am not as alone as I felt. This dead end relationship has helped me to recognize my attachment issues, reverse narcissism, emotional unavailability, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and fear that someone will ‘see’ me and not want me. And I will honestly probably continue to struggle through my healing journey and that’s okay because at least I am finally on MY journey. Because I want and choose me 😀

Thank you from the bottom of my broken (but healing) heart. I love everyone on here and everyone who may come to this post in the future!! <3 It's never too late to choose yourself!!

Xoxo
Jonelle

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Jonelle,

This brought me to tears. I wish that I had the time to write everything that I want to (thank you for your kindness and understanding) but I had to respond because I am so honored and happy to have helped in any way. I have so much love, respect, and gratitude for you. Thank you for being here and for being a part of this tribe. Thank you for being you. XOX

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Oh my gosh this article is amazing and has been so helpful!! I found out my ex started dating someone a week after he told me he wasn’t in a good place to be dating anyone for a while because of family issues, and also told me that him and I had too many “communication issues” that we couldn’t work through before he moved (which he was planning on doing a year later.) He always said I was too good for him, and I could tell that he always felt insecure about himself in our relationship, even though I felt like I was giving him unconditional love. Turns out he is just emotionally unavailable and he put on a front at the beginning so he could win me over. He never put effort into our relationship unless it served him. He got really distant from me towards the end of our relationship, and blamed it on me and my lack of confidence, and his lack of feelings for me anymore. (I had no reason to be confident in that relationship lol) It turns out that he had been talking to this new girl while we were dating. It’s so hurtful, but honestly the lessons learned from this experience are the most valuable thing I have now. The confidence and realization of my self-worth is better than having a boyfriend. Him and the new girl are planning on moving together, they both have unresolved past family trauma, and they’ve been dating for only a month. Ouch, not my problem anymore! I used to care so much about who the new girl was and why he would choose her over me. Maybe its because he also needs someone who’s emotionally unavailable, and me pointing out his BS wasn’t doing it for him. I blocked them both on social media so I wouldn’t stalk them 24/7 like a crazy person anymore. Seeing their pictures won’t do me any good. I feel like I can move forward knowing that there is so much better out there for me. Thank you for this!!!

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Lacey!

I am so proud of you! What an inspiration you are.

Happy that the post helped 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. You’re doing the right thing.

All my love to you sister. xx

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