There are so many girls out there whose family, friends, sorority sisters, plastic surgeon, brother’s ex-girlfriend, first-grade teacher, ex-boyfriends, third cousin’s prom date, wacky aunt, hot stepbrother, job, diet, workout regime, dog, cat, etc. I used to know. And when I say “I used to know,” I mean that if the SAT was a standardized test of their lives, I’d be working on my second doctorate at Stanford right now.
I knew these girls better than I knew myself. I actually got to know some of them so well, I exhausted myself trying to get to know them any better.
So why don’t we have a single memory or photo together? Because they don’t actually know me. They might know of me, but they don’t know me. At all.
How might they know of me? If they came across a photo of their boyfriend and me together and asked him who I was… then they would know.
I was the ex and they were the girls that I could never be. The ones that even though I knew deep down, I shouldn’t compare myself to, I couldn’t help but do so. He had chosen her and she was now with him – the him that I deserved, the him that I did everything for, and the him that suddenly wanted a committed relationship and everything that I was only good enough to experience the promise of but never the actuality. And now, she was.
I was alone, picking up the pieces and couldn’t stop social media stalking. I wanted to know everything about my ex’s new girlfriend. Why couldn’t I ever be the chosen one? Why was it always “her” and not me? How could he say that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then all of a sudden give her the relationship that I wanted with him? And how could two hours have just gone by and I’m now on her Mom’s boss’s daughter’s prom date’s Instagram profile?
Why did I even care?! I couldn’t stop the obsessive thoughts and behavior.
With some exes, I couldn’t say for certain that I even wanted them back. I knew deep down that he wasn’t right for me and that it could never work. I knew that there was nothing he could ever say that would justify what he did and give me the closure I deserved. I knew he was emotionally unavailable. But that didn’t make it any easier or less heartbreaking when I found out he was dating someone new.
The only way I can explain it is that I didn’t really want him back, but I also didn’t want him to be dating someone new.
I wanted him to suffer the way I had and regret what he lost.
It hurts even more when your ex starts dating someone that you feel like you’re better than, smarter than, prettier than, more educated than, etc. And NO, I’m not saying that some people are better than others. We are all equal, but when you’re coming from such an emotionally triggered, vulnerable state and you don’t have any boundaries or self-love to tap into, you will start to unjustifiably pedestal someone who you don’t even know. Yourself being at the top of that list.
My biggest problem was that the extent to which I actually knew these girls was just as limited and superficial as I knew myself.
And because my sense of reality had become so distorted, I would convince myself that he had changed for the better. She was the “better” I could never be.
“Why them and never me?“ is a question that I’ve asked myself throughout my entire life. And that question isn’t just applicable to relationships.
It’s a question that has robbed me of time I’ll never get back – time that I could have been kicking ass and building my own life instead of getting my Master’s Degree in taking screenshots of people I don’t know and zooming in.
I stopped asking the “why her and never me?” question a long time ago and oddly enough… when I stopped hating, comparing, being jealous, and seeking answers at the expense of my dignity, I stopped being the girl that never got chosen. The moment you choose yourself is the moment others will want you to choose them.
So what do you do when your ex starts dating someone new and you find yourself at a total loss of control, reason, and pain relief?
What does it all mean?
Will you ever get past the feeling of always being passed on?
First – you need to realize that you are not the insanity that you are feeling. You are the awareness of it. Who you are is the girl who took the initiative to read this post because deep down, you know what’s up. You are not your uncontrollable feelings of doubt, heartbreak, obsession and insecurity.
That is not you.
Who you are is the awareness. The reason that you associate who you are with how you feel is because it’s scary to face finality, murder the familiarity of desperation, and take action.
The bird’s-eye view awareness that you have above the drama, above the bs, and above the pain? THAT’S who the f*ck you are.
The fact that you are obsessing to the extent that you are, means that something is very wrong. You are essentially proving to yourself (your true self; the awareness), that you don’t respect or value your time. You are clearly all good with wasting it, obsessing over someone that didn’t value or respect you (because they don’t value and respect themselves – you can’t give a dollar that you don’t have), along with some girl you don’t even know.
You can’t get out of the obsession because obsession is rooted in self-blame and as long as you can continue to blame yourself, you can hang onto the relationship and hit the “pause” button on your own life story, a story that will always continue to play out regardless of the buttons that you choose to press. It’s up to you how action-packed and gratifying that story is.
By continuing to obsess and look at his social media, you are essentially sticking your own head in the toilet and then complaining about the smell.
Stay strong and avoid sticking your head in the relational toilet. I know it’s hard to not give yourself continual whirlies, but you CAN do it.
You KNOW the truth. USE what happened in reality to inspire your progress.
Remember this because it’s the key to opening every locked door in your life: You attract, are attracted to, and will continue to miss and be heartbroken over people who treat you, care for you, and feel for you the exact way that you treat, care for, and feel for yourself.
Every time you put your head back in the toilet, you are doing so while robbing yourself of the dignity that is your birthright. It’s empowering to get up, flush the toilet for good and go wash your hair clean.
Your ex choosing to date/do whoever he wants after your relationship has ended has nothing to do with you. It’s not about you, it’s about him.
And It’s not about her either because you are both two different people. If he was f*cked up when you were with him and he’s gone and started dating someone else, that means that he hasn’t changed.
So, that “special relationship” that you think he has with her? Not so much. There’s something about her that allows him to believe that he can continue being himself. And if you’re envious of a girl who is he will eventually show his true colors to, there’s absolutely no need to be jealous of her. You already are her. The only difference is that you actually dodged the bullet. Never be jealous of someone for not yet knowing everything that you already DO.
Be the unicorn amongst all of the common horses on the range. Stop engaging with and obsessing over anyone who can’t recognize your value. Rid yourself of this crap once and for all.
When your ex starts dating someone new…
You need to keep in mind that emotionally unavailable guys need people around who can make them feel like they’re not the emotional loser that deep down, they know they are. And because they have an inability to be accountable, they’re not going to be interested in connecting with anyone who is a mirror. They hate the reflection way too much.
This is why after a breakup, your ex will sometimes act in extreme ways as far as life decisions and dating go. It’s funny actually because if you take your own bruised ego out of it for one minute and see his social media postings for what they are (his lame attempt at starting an I’m-a-good-guy! campaign), you’ll see just how ridiculous it all is.
With a new girl, who he has not shown his true colors to yet, things will be all good at first. But when she starts to see through his bs or when she starts to expect “too much” from him, he will show those ugly colors the same way he did with you.
Sometimes, with the new girl he’s dating, if she begins to see through his agenda or if she makes it clear that she won’t put up with his crap, he will try a lot harder for a bit but it won’t last. He will revert back to his old ways because this is who he is. A cat can say “woof, woof” but it will always go back to meowing.
You need to stop focusing on the two of them because in doing so, you’re avoiding having to deal with yourself. You’re not seeing the bigger picture here. Instead of asking “Why her?,” you need to start asking “Why do I think that I’m not good enough to get my head out of the toilet?”
It doesn’t matter if they got married, went onto have 2 perfect kids, a beautiful mansion with a white picket fence and a dog named Rover. He will never commit emotionally, empathetically, or physically the way that you need and deserve. EVER.
Oftentimes, it becomes more about winning and playing detective than it is about subscribing to reality and acting on it. And the reality is – he won’t change and is the exact same.
If you got back together, you’ll have to live with the knowingness that you involved yourself (again), with someone who treated you beyond poorly. And THAT will eat away at you, make you bitter, and rob you of any confidence, happiness, and gratitude you have left.
Not every girl out there puts up with hurtful actions and sh*tty behavior from people that don’t value them and make them question their worth. There are girls out there that actually know a red flag when they see one and act on it. There are girls out there who have healthy boundaries, healthy levels of self-esteem, and most important… they know that although their heart is broken, what their ex did to them is nothing personal and it’s not a reflection of their lack of value.
They have their own lives to live. They can identify an emotionally unavailable guy relatively quickly and instead of trying to seek validation from them, they are able to walk away because they are simply not interested in the drama, the mixed signals, and anyone who treats them any less than they treat themselves (which is pretty damn good). They have emotional and physical lives of their OWN.
These are the exact girls that emotionally unavailable guys will always refer to as ” The One That Got Away.”
Focus on you, get behind yourself, and know your value. Who cares what he does? Go out there and do this for YOU.
You’ve got this. And you are worth so much more.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with getting over someone, please look into working with me here.