Years ago, during my last year of college, I was working a part-time job, going to school, going out, eating everything in sight around the clock, never working out, sleeping 4 hours a night, texting guys from 3 different universities and 7 different frats at once – basically just living the dream.

Sitting at my desk one morning at work, I was a little hung over and a lot tired but I still looked good. I had dressed up that day because after work, I had plans with friends. Then HE walked in the room and I immediately made it my mission to get him to notice me. A few hours later, I found myself sitting across from him at the most beautiful restaurant. This guy was a bit older, he was way past his college years. He was patient. He listened to my stories and always looked me in the eye, almost as if he knew all about my mission to “reel him in,” but that he didn’t mind at all. He smoked a cigar, laughed at all of my stupid college stories and seemed so different, so…hgs#!%*#jsdh I had to have him. He was as smooth of a talker as he was good looking. I loved the way that I felt sitting there with him. I loved the people around us SEEING me with him.

In actuality, this guy was an emotionally unavailable, red flag hander-outer that was a cheap, watered down version of a modern day Don Juan. I was just too blind to see it and any red flags that I did notice, my reflexes would automatically kick in and make excuses for him and myself.

I eventually found out that he was sleeping with two other women. At that moment, I knew I was done. I didn’t freak out or act crazy; I decided for once not to ask about the other women because I finally saw how desperate and pathetic he was. There was no point in talking because there was really nothing to talk about. This is how I learned about the white horse.

Even more painful to acknowledge, I realized how desperate I was, how deceitful I had been to him (and to myself) and how pathetic I felt. I had nothing. I felt like nothing.

If you feel like you’re more interested in him that he is in you, or you see a pattern with this in your friendships and/or relationships with men, there is a way to stop it and put an end to crazytown for good…

Instead of becoming a private investigator and psychoanalyst trying to figure out why he didn’t text you back and stalking every photo he likes and every chick he follows, ignore what he says and start looking at his actions because actions will always give you the answer that your stalking will try so desperately to find some evidence to refute.

Realize that If you don’t notice and ACT upon how others treat you and make you feel, you will always end up acting from a place of desperation and insecurity, which is never a good look. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, 187676 times out of 10 you will humiliate and disrespect yourself. 

When a guy is interested and into you… you will know. There will be no guessing on either one of your parts.

If you feel like you’re more interested in him than he is in you, it’s probably because you are and he isn’t and when is that EVER fun?!

For me, it got to the point where if I felt super interested in a guy, THAT MEANT that he wasn’t interested in me. When I began to get real about other people’s behavior and made the decision to act upon the facts, I got to the point where I am now: I have this thing where I’m really interested in people who are interested in me. Crazy, Right?

And the people who aren’t so interested in me? That’s okay too. It no longer activates this internal alarm that I have to immediately start my validation seeking cabaret show and “get them to like me.” 

You need to figure out what triggers you to stay in a relationship where you have to always fight and work to be given a scrap of time, attention, validation and acknowledgement. This generally all relates back to trauma/issues with rejection, abandonment and having a need to be “chosen.”

 

A decent guy that isn’t interested in you will not use you up and throw you out. He will have enough respect for you and himself to see that there is a difference between what it is that you want and what he wants and he will communicate that clearly to you in a kindly honest manner.

When you start getting interested in you and loving and respecting yourself, you’ll take someone’s disinterest in you much less personally because you will realize that it’s never personal. It’s about them. Commit to being about you and just SEE how your life changes for the better. You deserve it.

x Natasha

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+ another helpful post: Are You Really Experiencing True Love Or Is It Limerence?

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15 comments

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There have been so many times where I stayed glued to a guy simply because I was convinced that I could change him and that it was my fault that he acted the way he did. I needed this post to remind me of my own self-worth. Amazing post ????

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Go girl 🙂 XOXO

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it feels so hard to accomplish …. thank god for you…

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I feel the same way. She is really a Godsend. Needs a book deal, a show and a bigger platform ASAP!!

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I’m a class-A, masochist and wanna-be-fixer of unavailable men. The more he didn’t want me, the more I wanted him out of a desire to prove to him and to me that I could win him over and prove to the both of us that I was great.I did it for the last 2.5 years. I honestly am stunned at your ability to see what I have been going through and put it in a way that clicks. Thank you more than I can express.

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MJ- Thank YOU for allowing me to see that I’m not alone in my past insanity and thank you for your sweet message, you made my day XOXO

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Same here MJ! I’ve done the same thing and nothing clicked or made sense or even hit home until I read this blog. Glad I’m not alone in that. It’s so embarassing. My entire sorority is obsessed with Natasha and the way she can connect and just be so relatable. Natasha- you need to get a book deal! And please! More fashion and beauty posts!!

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Yes!!

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I just recently learned the importance of loving yourself but am easily sucked back in to being a fixer and with those guys. This is a guide of what I need to do!!! Amazing once again

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Absolutely love this! I relate to this post, “Oh So Well!” Thank you for writing this And sharing something that others, like myself can relate too and understand!

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Hi Joya!

Thank YOU. That makes me so happy 🙂 xoxo

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Well, I’ve spoken to my friends, a therapist, and read books on how to detach from the guy, but this article cinched it all together for me! 🙂 Natasha thank you for breaking down the thoughts and processes we have for what they really are. This brought me a sense of unity to know that I’m not the only intelligent and successful women falling victim to this trap again and again. There are so many underlining problems with staying emotionally invested in relationships that drag us through the mud. You have to ask yourself. What am I searching for? Would I even be happy if I finally got this guy? We scold men for playing games, but it’s unintentionally the same thing.. just a slightly different outcome. More long term and an I just want us to have adorable little babies together kind of win.

Sometimes we don’t always have the answers, we can only move forward. But new beginnings are beautiful and where would we be without our scars? Time to break the cycle. THANK YOU once again for your beautiful words of wisdom and shared experiences. You are a fearless woman.

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Chantel, you made my day. You get it <3 Thank you so much sister and remember... it takes one to know one 🙂 You are fearless, beautiful, aware, strong and so very wise. xx

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OH MY GOD! thank you so much for this article. My friends have tried to tell me similar things but I’ve either been in denial or made excuses for my bfs behaviour and I guess in turn mine as well. Your article is the best wake up call I could have gotten and has really empowered me and now given me more of a “fuck you, i deserve better than this, i’m the goddamn sun” kind of attitude with my current relationship and future ones. Thanks girly, I’m saving this and printing it so I can always be reminded of what I deserve! xo

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I’m so happy it helped! Thanks for the love Brooklyn XOXO

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