Mixed signals are one of the most seemingly complicated, yet completely uncomplicated aspects of relationsh*t territory that you will ever encounter.

& they’re completely non-discriminatory when it comes to relationships.

Mixed signals can happen in dating, romantic relationships, friendships, professional, and family relationships. The pain that they cause however, is only a prelude to the damage that subscribing to them inflicts.

Relationsh*ts that are plagued with mixed signals generally result in:

  •  Ghosting 
  • Romanticizing of f*cktards (because if you have low self esteem & nonexistent confidence, you’ll interpret the consistent mixed signals as mysterious/alluring, in a “please-validate-me-while-I-throw-away-my-dignity-trying-to-solve-your-contradictory-puzzle,” kind of way).
  • Delusion in the Land of Limbo. Stay in the circus long enough and you’ll no longer know what you can trust/rely on and what you can’t. With an emotional compass missing and a sense of reality in shambles, your fear of loneliness, rejection and abandonment will begin to mute your instinct (& sense of reality).

And because there’s no solid foundation underneath your relational house, you’ll never want to leave the house for fear that it will all come crashing down if you take so much as one STEP toward the front door.

  • Self-blame. Because if you only base your value one someone else’s ability to recognize it, what else is there to do?

It kills me to acknowledge the extent to which I let confusion from mixed signals (& the subsequent need to investigate/answer seek), waste my time.

Looking back, the saddest part about it is that I devalued the preciousness of my own time far greater than anyone’s mixed signals ever did.

Here’s why mixed signals happen, how to decode them & what you need to know…

Does any of this sound familiar?

“He tells me one thing and then does the complete opposite.”

“He said that he had never felt this way before… then he recoiled and disappeared.”

“He was so connected and attentive in the beginning and now, he’s cold. I feel like I’m always bothering him.” 

“He told me that I could talk to him about anything, but whenever I talk about how I feel, it “freaks him out,” and he uses my insecurities against me.” 

“We’ve been dating for months, but I don’t even know if we’re official? I don’t know how he truly feels.” 

“He says that he’s only interested in me, but still has active dating profiles.” 

“He says that he’s completely over his ex and not in communication with her, but he likes and comments on her photos.”

“He basically screened me in the beginning and said that he’s only looking for something serious, but now, every chance that we have to move the relationship forward, he recoils.”

& this list goes ON.

OH – and if you ever kindly address any of the contradictions, you’re met with defensiveness and are made to look/feel crazy.

You’re now the villain of your OWN story, sitting on the sidelines of the dance floor with no rhythm, while your emotional DJ of a partner mixes more signals for everyone else to dance to.

RELATIONSH*T ALERT: you are now on a crumb diet, perpetually investigating whether or not it’s indeed a crumb that you were just given (and not a microscopic loaf).

How to decode mixed signals? Recognize the denominator. The common denominator to all mixed signal equations is a lack of character. Character is nothing more than seamlessly, consistently and without audience, intention or effort, matching your words with your actions.

I used to think that power, talent, education, influence, money, good looks, accomplishments, charm, chivalry, being able to throw a ball at a professional level, languages spoken, trips taken, sense of humor, bond with family etc., were indicators of character.

While all of those attributes are great to have, what good is the best icing in the world going to do if it’s on a cardboard cake?

Character is the CAKE. The other stuff is just icing. 

& character isn’t something that can be learned, instilled, bought or attained.

The biggest mixed signal out there is the lie we tell ourselves – that superficial attributes are a precursor to the most substantial attribute of all: character.

Why do mixed signals happen?

I think about the times in my life where I’ve given mixed signals and if I’m really being honest with myself, it all boils down to time, effort & agenda.

When someone is giving you mixed signals, it’s generally because they want to buy as much time as they can where they can reap all the BENEFITS of having a mutual relationship and a monogamous, serious partner, without having to do much on their end. This propels their wishy-washy agenda (that’s always in “self-serving” mode).

Bottom line – Mixed signals are utilized to propel the agenda of: buying time to reap benefits that should be EARNED, not given because future faking words were in consistent contradiction with hurtful actions.

Why do we stick around?

Because it’s less scary to be in the pits of investigatory hell than it is to be alone (again) and risk even more abandonment, heartbreak, rejection and re-traumatization. We hang onto words because it’s all we have.

If you have low self esteem, it’s always going to be more comfortable to hold onto false hope than it is to dive into the ice bath of acceptance.

What you need to know…

Before you allow confusion to instigate another FBI-mode-answer-seeking quest, understand that a mixed signal is actually one of the most direct signals out there.

It’s a direct signal of consistent inconsistency.

It’s a direct signal of insecurity.

It’s a direct signal of relational ineptness.

It’s a direct signal of emotional unavailability, potential narcissism & a need to control.

It’s a direct signal of an inability to evolve.

It’s a direct signal that he will be the same with the next girl and its a DIRECT signal of f*cktardery.

Remember – there’s nothing grey or confusing about a black and white, DIRECT and consistent pattern of inconsistency. Tying your value to your partner’s emotional incontinence is assuming responsibility for their lack of character (which was MIA way before you were even in the picture).

USE the mixed signals as a DIRECT SIGNAL that you need to do the one thing your partner can’t do – speak with your actions and opt out of the bullsh*t.

You are destined for so much more than the role of “gullible detective #1,” in the story of YOUR life.

If someone is disconnected, empathetically bankrupt and delusional enough to try to convince you that the weeds are indeed a rose garden, why waste your time investigating if there’s a type of rose that resembles a weed?

USE the identification of other people’s dysfunction to launch you out of your own. It will take you to heights beyond your wildest dreams 🙂

Love to you all. Thx for being a part of this tribe.

Natasha, x

shop the look

You May Also Like

38 comments

Reply

Love this! Muah xx ♥️

Reply

Thanks babe 🙂 X

Reply

Mixed signals = lack of character
Wow, never put my finger on that but it’s so succinct and true. Thanks for another fantastic piece! ❤

Reply

YES! Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Jessica XO

Reply

Spot on, N. Thank you <3

Reply

Glad it served you. Thank YOU for the love and support sister! xo

Reply

Love it … this really made me smile ! Thanks Natasha xx

Reply

🙂 xx

Reply

🙂

Reply

Oh Wow. It was ESP, so Thank You SOOO Very Much. Last night he said, “I’m messaging you as soon as I get off work to explain all that’s been going on here. I own you an explanation. I miss you. I’ve cried over you. I promise when I get off I’m going to tell you things that have been going on.” Okay, so I told him I’d listen. He got off work in the wee hours of the morning. Now it’s late evening. No message. No text. No Nothing. Yet on FB, he had a sweet comment for a woman!. Boy did I need this. You nail every bit of how I feel and what I think. I hope you can realize the service you do for those of us who need it so. Yes I will reread this several times.
You give hope to replace pain. Thank you So Much, Natasha.

Reply

Your comment made me tear up <3 It's my pleasure. Thank YOU Jen, for allowing me to see that I'm not (and was never) alone in my past emotions, feelings and pain. You are loved soul sis. xxxx

Reply

Dear Jen,
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I do not want to say unfortunately because I have learned something positive, … I have learned to take another path to “indifference”…
First it took disappointment
Then, as it happens, disappointment turns to frustration.
Frustration morphs into resentment.
Resentment leads to anger.
Anger explodes into rage.
Rage weakens.
Leaving indifference in it’s wake.
We have heard the voice of our Tribe explain that “Indifference” is our path to finding our peace.
Thank you Jen. Thank you Natasha.
Because you have a tribe that welcomes wanderers of “why”, I can see the indifference just on my horizon.

Reply

🙂 XOXO

Reply

Wow
This article was dead on what occured in my last relationship. Glad to know it wasn’t me tripping out on his words of broken promises and lack of action and consistency. I blamed myself for our breakup and now realize that it wasn’t my fault.

Reply

Happy it helped! Thanks Fatiya! xo

Reply

This article is absolutely perfect. Post Male Syndrome has helped me through one of the most challenging break-ups ever, and most articles strike true and hard with my latest experience. Thank goodness for this website. My healing process (and evaluation of myself) would have taken MUCH longer without this website. Much love to all and hang in there! <3

Reply

Yes Linz.. I would not be able to get over the most challenging breaks up I have ever had without this website. Stay on your white horse, we are running to sunset. Good Luck

Reply

Love it! XO

Reply

Hi Linz! Thank YOU so much for the the love, support & for being a part of this tribe <3 You are a gem. Sending my love to you sister. XOXO

Reply

Natasha I just love and adore you and everything you write. No sooner do I think that I’ve read my favorite article, you write another one that I love just as much. I cannot even explain how much your blog is helping me to get over an emotionally unavailable guy. It is also inspiring me to get excited and hopeful about my life again. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are making a difference in this world . I wish you so much love and happiness always xx

Reply

Hi Beautiful! Likewise – you are loved, appreciated and adored. Thanks for the support 🙂 So happy that the post was helpful! I believe in you – this is your year. Love to you soul sis. XO

Reply

I have two one-to-one coaching sessions with Natasha around 2 months ago. I can’t even tell how much Natasha has helped me to build up my self-esteem, something I lacked of, caused me to attract emotional unavailable men one after another,put my love life into too much pain. I really encourage everyone who enjoys reading her amazing blog, if you have a chance, take a one to one coaching session with her You will not only learn from her wise advices but also talk to a beautifully kind soul.
Much love to you from Switzerland

Reply

Annie!! Hi my beautiful sister 🙂 It takes one to know one – you are gem. I miss and love you very much. So incredibly proud of you and honored to have helped. Can’t wait to meet you when I’m in Switzerland (hopefully very soon!). xxxxx

Reply

‘a microscopic loaf’ haha! I love you Natasha <3 this made me laugh. thank you, this post comes at the right time. much love, xxx

Reply

HA! I forgot that I wrote that lol! Sometimes I make myself laugh out loud as I’m writing. So happy it helped! Thanks Medina! 🙂 x

Reply

Thank you for your blog, sharing your experiences and growth. My greatest wish is all women link up to stop the madness, because if there’s even one gal that accepts this crapola, it’s simply one too many – and there’s SO many women lacking self-respect and dignity. That being said, could you write your thoughs on a woman just being unable to get out of her own way? As in, she KNOWS the guy is a f*cktard, watches herself go back again and again, but just can’t seem to break the chains? I think it will be a great topic.

Reply

Thank you and yes! I’ll try to write about that soon 🙂 XO

Reply

natasha,

You are so right on this! It took me 9 months to realize it, but his mixed signals were more about him not being able to commit to me, than about me not being a “trusting girlfriend”. I finally stepped out of the relationship I gave my heart and soul to after realizing that his actions were louder than his words, and that I was right about his shadiness with a female friend, and that it wasn’t worth crying every night.

May I add, you helped me grow a backbone 🙂

I’m still working on self-esteem. It hurts to stop loving him, and to know that my intution was right. But I trust you, and I’m staying on the white horse and not reacting. Just doing what’s needed to protect myself.

Can you write a post on this: What happens when he starts dating the girl he told you not to worry about.

P.S: The girl he told me not to worry about was my friend for 5 years, before she became his “bestfriend” about 9 months back. It sucks.

Reply

I’m glad it helped! 🙂 Thanks Matti! Yes, I will try to write about that soon! X

Reply

I am struggling. I reconnected with someone from work who is very newly divorced. The night we connected, he explained he did not know who he was or what we wanted. We clicked anyhow and went on 5 dates (which did include sex). He seemed to be leading and connecting, as I wanted to give him that space to come to me. He went on vacation and contacted me several times and then my elation became sadness as he waited 5 days to contact me and then to tell me about how he has a month of travel (not new, but reminder). So basically he has set up 7 weeks of unavailability and we are not exclusive. I do not understand why he stays connected, and because he is newly divorced, so I think that of him as temporarily unavailable. Thoughts?

Reply

Hi Sweetness!

I wish that I could answer your question, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone XOXO

Reply

Remarkably on point and beautifully written, contributing to clarity that couldn’t come at a better time as I come to terms with a romantic relationship with an NPD as well as a long term friendship that I have had great confusion around for the past few years. The bells were just going off as I read this article and recognized so many things that have been troubling about both relationships but that I was having a hard time identifying as abuse or at best, as you put it, inconsistencies that reflect a lack of character. I feel a sense of relief and personal power I haven’t to quite this degree possibly ever that I feel will allow me to proceed newly equipped to do what’s best and most loving for myself and to move on and heal. Thank you so much! 🌺🌸🌺

Reply

Leslie, I’m honored to have helped in your healing and realizations. Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. You are believed in, empathized with, appreciated, understood and never alone. You’ve got this sister! 🙂 xx

Reply

PS – this has most recently happened to me with a friend as well.

So happy that it helped facilitate the clarity that you needed 🙂 XO

Reply

thanks for reading.
at the start he was super good to me then now.. he dumped me. …we are only attached for less than 2months and most of the time he used me as a hookup only i feel….although we are are couple but seems like he only interested in sleeping that’s all. not much dating…. I confronted him few days back because he is starting to act super cold when we text… at the start he avoided my question and then.. he say yuppp he just want to be friends for now as he don’t get the chemistry between us…and it’s not the relationship that he yearn… 2 weeks before I confronted him I tried having 2-3 days no contact to test if he cares… so I just did not reply his last text. turn out… he did not show concern or call me at all. end up I’m the one who called and text him first. although it’s just a short less than 2months together but I really like him.. I decided to start no contact for a month . my birthday is on the 7th day of NC secretly I want to celebrate with him…if so happens if on my birthday 7th day NC he wish me happy birthday… should I reply? thank you or whatt should I do? in case. please help.. because I don’t want to ruin it and I don’t want to show him I am so needy and depressed… let’s say HE WISH ME a happy birthday on 7th day No contact what should I do??? I know if I ignore him, he will never ever send another text to me again. he is the type where if you ignore his text, he will just takes zero actions…. he won’t care. so far now in NC after his last text to me, I did not reply… but he doesn’t care tooo.. he did not send me extra text or show concern or anything… I’m afraid if he do text me again for my birthday and I ignore him he will be gone forever . I really need help. should I reply if he do text me happy birthday

Reply

Hi Amanda!

I wish that I could advise and answer your questions, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further 🙂

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone xo

Reply

Oh wow, you have no idea how much I’d have loved to get here just a year ago… It is true, I’m still suffering and raw, but I’m free now (after unstable long 8 years) and on the right track… You’re seriously saving my life.
On a completely different note, all your outfits kick ass. <3

Reply

Hi Laura! I’m so happy to have helped 🙂 Thanks beautiful! <3 XOXO

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *