You’re going through a traumatic breakup where you didn’t get any closure and are missing your ex. All you can think about is what he’s doing, who he’s doing, why he hasn’t reached out, and when you are ever going to feel like yourself again. You’re exhausted from obsessing but you can’t help it. He was so selfish throughout the relationship and you just want any shred of proof that he’s hurting as badly as you are. You want to know that you meant something to him, that your relationship mattered, and that he regrets breaking your trust.

+ This is applicable to men as well. This post is written from the perspective of a woman (me), but nothing on this site discriminates against age, gender or orientation. We all experience these feelings and are in this together.

You need to know that you’re not as forgettable as him “forgetting” you has made you feel.

You’re proud of yourself for staying on your white horse, maintaining most of your dignity post-breakup and not reaching out. But you miss him and it’s been really hard.

Then one day, your girlfriends insist on taking you out that night. You order a drink and start to feel a little. Pain? What pain?! HA! This is great! You’re dancing and flirting and actually having fun. Then, all of a sudden, you get rejected by a guy you were flirting with or you may even start talking to a great guy and feel sick because it’s not your ex.

You see all of your friends calling their significant others and right then, it’s like a wave comes crashing down. You think to yourself that he really wasn’t that bad OR the flip side, you get even more hurt and angry. You just want to know why the hell he hasn’t reached out or even acknowledged your existence since the breakup. You think about how even after a few drinks, getting all dressed up, and being out with the girls STILL makes you miss him (despite how he treated you) and you want to know why he hasn’t reached out to you when he’s gone out and had a few.

How could he just forget you? How could he not miss you like you miss him? Didn’t you matter at all to him?

Your fun night girls night out turns into you having to go to the bathroom… which turns into an opportunity for you to see what he’s up to stalk on social media. You get triggered even more, drink even more, and then…

It doesn’t matter whether you decide to call him or if you see something that upsets you and you call one of his friends or another friend of yours or whether he picks up or you leave a message or you text him or some random chick picks up his phone or whatever.

Whether you make any kind of contact or not, you miss him and this is basically how the rest of it goes…

DRUNK DIALING YOUR EX AFTER A BREAKUP


And there you have it. I get it, I’ve been there. I’ve been there so many times that reenacting it in these photos took me about 30 seconds. One of the biggest concerns that I had after my first bad breakup was wondering how the hell I was ever going to go out again. I didn’t trust myself with one sip of alcohol. I was also worried that if I had a few and I saw my ex, I’d really lose it (I was in college at the time). It seemed like with going out, the very pain that I was trying to escape was not only still there, it became stronger. I had even less control over my emotions and ended up doing things that in hindsight, robbed me of my self esteem, my dignity, and my strength.

The fastest way to lose your self-respect is to translate through your actions that you have no control over your emotions or yourself.

No matter what you have going on, drinking will ALWAYS capitalize and highlight your deepest issues while making you feel like you’re totally justified in the moment… until the next morning when the self-blame and shame creep in.

This can be even harder if he’s reached out to you and you’ve stayed strong. It’s devastating when after a few drinks, and all of your hard work goes down the drain.

So, how do you get to a point where even if you’re hurting after a breakup, you can go and enjoy a night out, get a drink with your friends and not scratch the mosquito bite of your triggers?

For me, when I was much younger, I used to need alcohol. I was far from an alcoholic, but I felt like I needed it to have a good time. I needed alcohol to feel confident and I needed it so I could say and act how I really wanted to. Alcohol was like an insurance policy for me because I always had it to blame on my words and actions if needed.

Years ago, I stopped drinking. It was never this big production or anything. I had a health scare, a bad breakup and decided to get as healthy as I could. As I got emotionally and physically healthier, I noticed that my body would have a more adverse reaction to alcohol. And as I felt my feelings, dealt with my pain and built my self love, alcohol didn’t seem as fun or needed.

I don’t drink anymore, but if I went to Vegas tonight and had multiple drinks and shots and ended up getting wasted, I’d be completely harmless. Yeah, I’d do and say some funny things but I’d never go swing off the chandelier, turn everything into my own personal stripper pole, dry hump everything in sight, simulate S&M sex on the dance floor, text my ex as I’m limping barefoot in the hotel lobby or have a meltdown, feel insecure and need to go flirt with the strangers. I may have been there and done a few of those things but it would never happen today.

The reason I wouldn’t do any of that stuff, even if I was inebriated, is because alcohol will only exemplify the truth. My truth is that I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I don’t need validation from anyone but myself. My truth is that I am happy and that I’m comfortable in my own skin. My truth is that I love and respect who I am and I’ve forgiven myself and others. My truth is that I have achieved a state of indifference with the people I needed to. Yes, of course, I have my tough days where I get emotional and things don’t go right but I’m no longer controlled by everything that used to trigger me.

When you’re missing your ex, part of the process of healing and dealing with the breakup is getting back out there and enjoying nights out with your friends.

I’m telling you right now though… if you drink and are dealing with heartbreak, you will miss your ex and you will get angry and sad. It’s like saying if you go surfing, you’ll get wet. It’s inevitable.

Here are some things to keep in mind if you’re going out fresh after a heartbreak and missing your ex…

  • Refrain from drinking until you feel indifferent towards your ex.
  • If you can’t do the above, refrain from getting drunk.
  • If you’re missing your ex and wondering why he doesn’t miss you… make sure that you are someone who you would actually miss. No one misses the sloppy, sad, mascara-running, validation-seeking, inebriated girl who is yelling at them and probing them for info. No one misses an ex who cries uncontrollably, threatens them, and texts their friends. Do you know who unglues a toxic ex? The classy girl who spoke with her actions and knew when to fold. The girl who stuck with her decision, didn’t put up with the bs, didn’t engage in the drama and walked away.
  • When you do drink, make sure you have a real friend (not a fake one) that truly cares for you to keep you in check. You need someone that will keep your phone away from you if needed and will listen to you when you get sad (as opposed to allowing you to wander off and reach out to your ex).
  • I know that you are missing your ex, but know that if you reach out to him in any way, especially if you are drunk, you are saying with your actions… “It’s a good thing that you broke up with me because I have no limits, standards, or self-respect.” You are also giving someone, who is far from deserving, a giant ego boost. You are giving him all the power. This makes you look pathetic, unattractive, and desperate.
  • Remind yourself that no one is that special that they get the privilege of you missing them after they’ve been reckless with your heart.
  • If for any reason, you run into him and you’ve had a few, don’t be overly nice and don’t be overly rude. Keep your cool. Remind yourself that if you can get through the pain of your breakup, you can get through a few awkward moments. I don’t care if you go to the bathroom and cry your eyes out right after. When you are around him, be cool. How do you “act cool?” Imagine you had your favorite celebrity or musician or whoever your ultimate guy is waiting for you at home, in your bed. If you knew this guy was waiting for you at home and you ran into your ex, I hope you’d be in a hurry. You’d be happy and you wouldn’t give a rats about his small time games and trying to “out nice” and “out mature” one another. You’d just be yourself and without “a plan.” You’d be happy because you have your dream guy waiting at home, so you would just want to say hi and get it out right away. THAT’S how you have to be if you run into your ex.
  • If you can keep your cool, make the commitment to not get drunk, and be mindful of the fragile state you’re in, you’ll start to build your self-esteem and self-respect back.

Most importantly, FEEL every ounce of your feelings. Just like the buzz from having a drink…

The pain is here to pass – not to stay.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.

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29 comments

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YES YES YES. This is what we all want to know and have been waiting for !!!!! Why the F those piece of shit do what they want to do, while we sit, miserable, swamped in our own tears while they act like nothing is wrong. And then the down fall, the creeping, over obsessing, I don’t want to even embarrass myself in what else, But this, it all makes so much sense. I’ve recently learned not to reach out which is the hardest part, and not going to the Dubai Guys’ table ???? That’s dead on. This post is heaven freaking sent, just as you are

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You and me both!!!!! I have been waiting for this post too and the photos are just perfection lol! Natasha I need to read this over and over every day. Can’t thank you enough!

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LOVED this, LOVE you. So spot on as usual!

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Loved this one

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Thanks babe 🙂 xo

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Ha this post has prevented me from never again drunk texting my self into embarrassment oblivion .
It’s such a great feeling to wake up the next morning and know that you didn’t give into the urge thanks homegirl

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YESSS! Thank Lynn! Glad it helped 🙂

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Dude. Thank you. I’m a million beers deep right now and feeling like I’ll never be happy again (hence the google search for “drunk and missing ex”). You nailed it on the head so hard and I know this post is so old but I’m hoping that you still get this comment and realize that you’ve helped yet another sad bitch out. God bless you, woman!

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YAAAA thanks Abby! SO happy it helped! & proud of you for commenting instead of the alternative. All my love to you soul sister 🙂 xo

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Hi Natasha I was wondering if you could write about ex’s getting engaged really quickly (three months!) after you…I know you probably get loads of requests but if you have any thoughts it would be great to hear them. Oh and why they text you to tell you even though you’ve cut him off and doing really well on that front…thanks!

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Thanks for the recommendation Jane! I will try to write about this soon 🙂 x

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Thank you, Natasha. I am fresh coming out a breakup with my boyfriend of three years after catching him having multiple affairs. This article helps shed some light on my feelings, and it also answers some of my, “what should I be doing?” type of questions.

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Happy it helped!! 🙂 Thanks Shane! You’re not alone <3 xo

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Natasha,
I stumbled upon your blog and have been mightily impressed with all the content. Not only do you have a gift for writing and great insight into the basic challenges of modern dating, but you also are impressively perceptive around the childhood wounds that drive our own emotional unavailability, fear of abandonment, and need for validation. These of course lead us magnetically into the undeserving arms of the Narcissistic and Emotionally Unavailable. A (non-) love story as old as time.

Although you may have hesitated to write this piece, which is little off-theme from your customary, you are to be commended for writing it if only because your description of the anguish that leads us to call/text our Exes when we are vulnerable is so beautifully, painfully, dreadfully accurate. If nothing else you have shown so many readers that they are not alone in their self-inflicted despair. And that alone is a great public service.

Many thanks for your wonderful blog, Natasha.

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Mary – I’m in tears! You get it <3 thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is truly my pleasure and honor to help. All my love to you soul sister. XX

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Could not have been more spot on and helpful!! You really have a way with words that when I read I am SHOCKED you describe everything I am feeling LOL

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So happy to help! 🙂 Thanks Al! xx

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Wow! Thank you for being so honest. It was a well needed wake up call.

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🙂 XOXO

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I can’t thank you enough for this. This is finally the most helpful thing I have ever heard or read, and I’m going to try my hardest to implement it into my life. Even though we are complete strangers, this has been the most helpful advice I’ve ever received on dealing with myself my ex-boyfriend. It means the absolute world to me. I wish I could give you a ginormous hug. Thank you so much. <3

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AWWW thanks Zach! I am so happy and honored to help 🙂 You are never alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe!

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you just stopped me from drunk texting my 3 and a half year bf that just cut me off a week ago lol fuck him

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?????

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I only stumbled across your articles today and am thoroughly enjoying them. I love your writing style, the raw honesty behind it, it feels like im sitting having a conversation with you personally. You certainly have a gift and i am going to enjoy further reading, cheers to you lady!!! 🙂

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Hi Tami!

I’m so happy that the posts have helped! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, connection, understanding, and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone ♥️ Hope that we can meet and I can give you a big hug in person one day.

All my love and gratitude to you soul sis. Xox

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Hi Natasha thank you! Desperate to drunk text but I’m going to do what I can to just put myself to bed cause I don’t want him to think I miss him after the way he behaved.

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So proud of you Z! You got this. xox

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Thank you so much! Although I have drunk texted my ex twice now, I will no longer continue it. (I wish I found this when I was drunk). That bullet point with all CAPS is what I needed to hear. Your blog has really helped put a lot of stuff in perspective and I have to some deep soul searching to do.

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SO happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe LC. All my love to you – YOU GOT THIS! xo

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