Long distance relationships are hard, but they’re also exhilarating, passionate and are an integral part of a fairy tale that we’re convinced, HAS TO be right around the corner.

All of the greatest love stories, movies, books and poems involve distance at some point. And it’s always in that distance that emotional wrongs are righted and necessary realizations are made, so that Happily Ever After can ensue in a more solid, connected and enviable way than ever before.

I don’t think The Notebook would have been half as romantic if there wasn’t any distance between Ali and Noah at one point. As humans, we already feel unseen, unappreciated, misunderstood and unheard enough in our everyday lives. To be in a relationship with someone miles and miles away and STILL be heard, understood, empathized with, acknowledged, listen to, longed for and SEEN on such an profound level… that’s the ultimate. Am I right? 

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” – Nicholas Sparks

Although it is indeed scary, if you suffer from the disease to please, validation seeking and low self esteem, you’ll start to equate that never-ending fear factor with “passion.” You then become more invested in expressing your all-knowing existence than taking the time to investigate if a mutual connection and true love even exists.

I know many people who are in long distance relationships and they make it work; they’re really happy. I got lunch with a girlfriend over the weekend who was telling me about her long distance relationship and how it’s the best relationship she’s ever been in.

She asked if I had ever been in a long distance relationship. “One,” I replied.

I was so taken back by my answer, that I don’t remember much of what was said after that.

At that moment, I realized that although I’ve only been in ONE relationship in which distance was between us, nearly EVERY relationship that I’ve ever been in has been long distance.

I was a long distance relationship JUNKIE and didn’t even know it.

How?

In my past relationships, the distance wasn’t in physical miles. It was in emotional ones.

Listening to my girlfriend talk about her emotionally available and MUTUAL long distance relationship, I realized that you could literally be in bed with your partner on top of you and be in more of a long distance relationship than if cities, oceans and countries were in between you.

This got me thinking about long distance relationships – both physical and emotional – who they cater to, how to navigate them and how to ensure that the distance is never emotional.

Here’s what you need to know about long distance relationships…

Sometimes, the reasons for being in a long distance relationship are unavoidable. Life happens and we have to do the best we can with the hand we are dealt.

For long distance relationships to work, there needs to be a mutual awareness and conscious effort being made on both ends to eventually close the physical gap.

And until then, both parties need to continue to cultivate nonexistent space as far as emotional distance goes. If this is consistently done, long distance relationships can be amazing.

HOWEVER, long distance relationships are also the ultimate (& IDEAL) beard for people who want to operate under the guise of someone who is emotionally, empathetically and relationally competent/connected.

Long distance relationships can mask a person’s deal-breaking fear of commitment, responsibility and intimacy quite well.

When it comes to long distance relationships, distance will never be a deal breaker as long as the relationship is mutual & the distance is physical (with the mutual intention of eventually bridging the physical distance).

Here’s what you need to know about PHYSICAL long distance relationships:

  • Understand that long distance relationships are easy and HOT. We live in a time where it has never been easier to be in a long distance relationship. Between all of the social media outlets and ways to communicate, it’s easier now than ever before. Long distance relationships also up the hot factor because you’re getting the best of that person. How? They are in full control of your level of exposure to them, therefore it’s much easier to mold into a smoke-and-mirrors persona that ensures you continue to keep your emotional and physical legs open.

Keep in mind that these relationships are the perfect vehicle for unavailable people to live out the fantasy of temporarily being the partner on the phone that they can’t consistently be in person.

  • If you’re with someone who has a pattern of being in long distance relationships, that’s a red flag.
  • Long distance relationships are VERY attractive to emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt and narcissistic people who like to run emotional ponzi schemes in the name of an ego stroke (at your expense). Think about it – as long as they can say that they’re in a “relationship,” it gives them a license to assume that they don’t have any relational issues to work on. Why? You’re tolerate any crumbs they throw your way, while trying to convince yourself that you’re involved with a loaf manufacturer.

Here’s what you need to know about EMOTIONAL long distance relationships:

  • Whether there are miles between you or you’re both in the same room, you’ll know that you’re in an emotional long distance relationship if: there’s triangulation, a constant fear of being abandoned (due to a lack of communication), and if you begin to equate that “I -can’t-lose-you” fear with soulmate-status “passion.”
  • You’re in an emotional long distance relationship if you don’t feel comfortable to respectfully communicate your truth and concerns, for fear of: guilt, missing out on his inevitable “change” into connection and decency, being broken up with, judged, being made to look/feel crazy, your partner going cold/recoiling, etc.
  • Emotional long distance relationships can be defined by: never feeling the level of security and comfort that true love and connection provide (which is the only way that MUTUAL communication, respect and intimacy can ever exist).

If it’s physical distance that’s between you, make sure that you’re BOTH involved in creating an environment that isn’t conducive to the survival emotional distance.

If it’s emotional distance you’re dealing with, you need to know that no matter how many fancy dog accessories you spend your savings on, cat’s MEOW. They don’t bark just because you provided a fancy dog house. There’s no point in wasting your time trying to be an inverted cat whisperer and then tying your value to someone being what they’ve always been (and will continue to be): a f*cktard that needs the beard of distance to get their selfish needs met.

Scientists now suggest that distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder…

…but only if there’s HEART to begin with ♡

Love to you all – near and far 🙂

Natasha x

 

+ the exact skirt & top that I’m wearing can be found here & here

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13 comments

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Natasha, you have saved my life and helped more than any counseling or therapy ever has. You truly are a healer and an angel in this world for all that you do. This came at the perfect time. Thank you for being so raw, honest and vulnerable so that others can heal. Much love to you and big hugs. Xx

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OMG Wow….Just wow….this is EXACTLY what I went through and I realized the man was in love with the fantasy of being with me and being there for me while he made zero attempts to follow through on anything. I am seeing two other guys casually who have great relationship potential–I know I have to make my choice soon–but just RIGHT NOW, ten minutes before seeing this post I was missing my LDR like crazy. I even contemplated, after three weeks of no communication, texting him tonight to see how he was doing and maybe even find out if he was willing to change a little and actually make the effort of meeting up–much less closing the gap. But….cats don’t bark lol.

Your article stopped me dead in my proverbial emotional self sabotage tracks! You described him to a T. I think the reason he held on this long was because I was so patient with him and kept giving him and his bad behavior a lot of validation. I won’t be giving in, at least for one more day, to harboring reconciliation fantasies.

How do you do it? You’re like a lightning rod, capturing all of our negative energy and bringing it down to terra firma reality or like a weather vane capturing our winds of anxiety and pain and pointing us towards healing. Thank you. Sincerely. Once more.

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Wow Zara! Reading your comment makes me feel like I’m not alone. Maybe my situation is so much like yours or maybe I’m still in denial refusing to accept that my ex was the person he was post breakup (completely different person during the relationship).

Thank you Natasha for this amazing article<3 I wish we could be half like you!

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You’re far from alone Sheryl <3 you are loved, supported, believed in and understood. I'm glad that the post helped! It takes one to know one - you are stronger, more beautiful and resilient than you know. All my love to you soul sister. XO

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Zara! Thank YOU so much! I’m so proud of you and truly honored to have helped 🙂 Thank you for being a part of this tribe! You are a gem. I love and believe in you soul sister! XOX

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This is scary accurate, and probably the reason my soon-to-be ex-husband never responded to my request to stop traveling in order to hold the family together. Physical and emotional distance are the name of his game. Even married, he has long-distance playthings. Ew. I love you, Natasha. You bring truth to light, girl!

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Happy it helped! Thanks Melissa! 🙂 You’re not alone. XO

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Signing up for the PMS newsletter and getting notifications every time there is a new post was the best decision of my life. lol
Love this post, thank you!
Xo

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You’re going to make me cry!! Thanks Liv 🙂 I’m so happy to help. xx

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“no matter how many fancy dog accessories you spend your savings on, cat’s MEOW.”- I live by this fact EVERYDAY. Whatever you write makes sense, really, especially when I am stuck in a whirlpool of thoughts and torment. You have the answer to every doubt. Love you so much. Keep helping. Bless you. :* XOXO

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Thank you Pankhuri! It is my eternal honor and pleasure. Truly. Love you too! xx

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“Long distance relationships are VERY attractive to emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt and narcissistic people who like to run emotional ponzi schemes in the name of an ego stroke (at your expense). Think about it – as long as they can say that they’re in a “relationship,” it gives them a license to assume that they don’t have any relational issues to work on. Why? You’re tolerate any crumbs they throw your way, while trying to convince yourself that you’re involved with a loaf manufacturer.”

Verbal Gold. Wisdom at her finest.
Enough said.

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🙂 thanks Dea!xoxo

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