Long distance relationships are hard, but they’re also exhilarating, passionate and are an integral part of a fairy tale that we’re convinced, HAS TO be right around the corner.
All of the greatest love stories, movies, books and poems involve distance at some point. And it’s always in that distance that emotional wrongs are righted and necessary realizations are made, so that Happily Ever After can ensue in a more solid, connected and enviable way than ever before.
I don’t think The Notebook would have been half as romantic if there wasn’t any distance between Ali and Noah at one point. As humans, we already feel unseen, unappreciated, misunderstood and unheard enough in our everyday lives. To be in a relationship with someone miles and miles away and STILL be heard, understood, empathized with, acknowledged, listen to, longed for and SEEN on such an profound level… that’s the ultimate. Am I right?
“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” – Nicholas Sparks
Although it is indeed scary, if you suffer from the disease to please, validation seeking and low self esteem, you’ll start to equate that never-ending fear factor with “passion.” You then become more invested in expressing your all-knowing existence than taking the time to investigate if a mutual connection and true love even exists.
I know many people who are in long distance relationships and they make it work; they’re really happy. I got lunch with a girlfriend over the weekend who was telling me about her long distance relationship and how it’s the best relationship she’s ever been in.
She asked if I had ever been in a long distance relationship. “One,” I replied.
I was so taken back by my answer, that I don’t remember much of what was said after that.
At that moment, I realized that although I’ve only been in ONE relationship in which distance was between us, nearly EVERY relationship that I’ve ever been in has been long distance.
I was a long distance relationship JUNKIE and didn’t even know it.
So, what about emotional distance in relationships… not physical distance
In my past relationships, the distance wasn’t in physical miles. It was in emotional ones.
Listening to my girlfriend talk about her emotionally available and MUTUAL long distance relationship, I realized that you could literally be in bed with your partner on top of you and be in more of a long distance relationship than if cities, oceans and countries were in between you.
This got me thinking about long distance relationships – both physical and emotional – who they cater to, how to navigate them and how to ensure that the distance is never emotional.
Here’s what you need to know about long distance relationships…
Sometimes, the reasons for being in a long distance relationship are unavoidable. Life happens and we have to do the best we can with the hand we are dealt.
For long distance relationships to work, there needs to be a mutual awareness and conscious effort being made on both ends to eventually close the physical gap.
And until then, both parties need to continue to cultivate nonexistent space as far as emotional distance goes. If this is consistently done, men and long distance relationships can be amazing.
HOWEVER, long distance relationships are also the ultimate (& IDEAL) beard for people who want to operate under the guise of someone who is emotionally, empathetically and relationally competent/connected.
Long distance relationships can mask a person’s deal-breaking fear of commitment, responsibility and intimacy quite well.
When it comes to long distance relationships, distance will never be a deal breaker as long as the relationship is mutual & the distance is physical (with the mutual intention of eventually bridging the physical distance).
What to know about PHYSICAL long distance relationships:
- Understand that long distance relationships are easy and HOT. We live in a time where it has never been easier to be in a long distance relationship. Between all of the social media outlets and ways to communicate, it’s easier now than ever before. Long distance relationships also up the hot factor because you’re getting the best of that person. How? They are in full control of your level of exposure to them, therefore it’s much easier to mold into a smoke-and-mirrors persona that ensures you continue to keep your emotional and physical legs open.
Keep in mind that these relationships are the perfect vehicle for unavailable people to live out the fantasy of temporarily being the partner on the phone that they can’t consistently be in person.
- If you’re with someone who has a pattern of being in long distance relationships, that’s a red flag.
- Long distance relationships are VERY attractive to emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt and narcissistic people who like to run emotional ponzi schemes in the name of an ego stroke (at your expense). Think about it – as long as they can say that they’re in a “relationship,” it gives them a license to assume that they don’t have any relational issues to work on. Why? You’re tolerate any crumbs they throw your way, while trying to convince yourself that you’re involved with a loaf manufacturer.
What to know about EMOTIONAL long distance relationships:
- Whether there are miles between you or you’re both in the same room, you’ll know that you’re in an emotional long distance relationship if: there’s triangulation, a constant fear of being abandoned (due to a lack of communication), and if you begin to equate that “I -can’t-lose-you” fear with soulmate-status “passion.”
- You’re in an emotional long distance relationship if you don’t feel comfortable to respectfully communicate your truth and concerns, for fear of: guilt, missing out on his inevitable “change” into connection and decency, being broken up with, judged, being made to look/feel crazy, your partner going cold/recoiling, etc.
- Emotional long distance relationships can be defined by: never feeling the level of security and comfort that true love and connection provide (which is the only way that MUTUAL communication, respect and intimacy can ever exist).
If it’s physical distance that’s between you, make sure that you’re BOTH involved in creating an environment that isn’t conducive to the survival emotional distance.
If it’s emotional distance you’re dealing with, you need to know that no matter how many fancy dog accessories you spend your savings on, cat’s MEOW. They don’t bark just because you provided a fancy dog house. There’s no point in wasting your time trying to be an inverted cat whisperer and then tying your value to someone being what they’ve always been (and will continue to be): a f*cktard that needs the beard of distance to get their selfish needs met.
Scientists now suggest that distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder…
…but only if there’s HEART to begin with ♡
Love to you all – near and far 🙂