One of the toughest things to do is to let go of the fairytale, to move on from the one guy that you’ll compare everyone else to forevermore and to accept that it’s over and that you need to walk away (and never look back).
My entire life, I’ve struggled with letting go and moving on from guys that I knew deep down weren’t right, but I was convinced that they were. You guys get it, I knowww you do. It doesn’t make sense. But it does. The only thing that ever seemed to really be the “cure” to my post-breakup-ocd-cyber-stalker habits, endless pain, hopelessness and sadness, was finding a new guy that I could throw all of my baggage onto, project the fairytale future that I so genuinely and desperately wanted to have and, during the beginning of the relationship anyway, try to passively make it known to my ex and/or people who were associated with him, that I had found my “NEW prince,” I was happy, I had upgraded and I had moved on. LOL. It’s exhausted just writing that. I can’t believed this is how I lived for so many years.
Immediately moving on to someone new became habitual (“habitual” meaning life-or-death necessary), for me because it was the only option that I had for emotional and what felt like physical survival as well.
A lot of the time, when I started dating someone new after it didn’t workout with my “soul mate,” being with a new guy would make me even more depressed because it did nothing other than highlight everything great that my ex was, everything that I had lost, every way I told myself that I had screwed it up and everything that this new guy just wasn’t.
It’s so hard because you’re with this guy and no matter what your reservations are or what little red flags you see here and there (or everywhere), you tell yourself that “this is what true love means,” and that you must give, give, give all in the name of ‘unconditional love’ and chasing that white picket fence ideal. It then becomes less about true love and more about the boundary-less way that you “love,” all in an attempt to keep this “fairytale” going. You want him to be the one; he has to be the one. It makes so much sense. He’s “perfect.” You don’t want to start over again. You can’t. It’s too painful. No way. You are going to win. You CAN do this, you CAN change him.
But what happens when you breakup?…
What happens when the fairytale rug is pulled under you faster that your head and your heart can cope and come to terms with? How do you let go? How do you just ‘move on’ from your one&only; the guy that has your heart, your love and all that time of you putting forth the effort to show him that you were worth his forever? How the F*CK do you do this?!?!
step truth that you need to realize and own is that there is no amount of men, no ‘onto-the-next-one’ boyfriends, Tinder, sex, Ben & Jerrys, rom-coms, fro-yo, Nutella, GNOs, likes/comments/followers on Instagram, macaroons or one-night stands that could ever completely fill the void in your heart right now due to the loss of your ex.
We look to all these different things and people to “make” us feel complete again and fill a void that they’ll never be capable of filling, which is not only unfair, it’s unrealistic to expect.
If you reealllyyyy get honest with yourself, put your phone down for one minute and think, more times than not, you’re attracted to and missing the idea of everything that you created in your head more than you are missing him as a person. But, I get it. He’s perfect and you miss him and it’s hard. You’re not only dealing with the loss of your “soul mate,” but you’re also dealing with the death of your dreams, your hopes and your wasted time. You wanted this to be “the one,” you’re convinced that he is, but before you act on that feeling and let your desperation juices kick in and make a psychopath out of your good name, do me a favor and at least entertain what I have to say with a mind and a heart as open as the one that you have for this guy you’re missing.
The only way that you can process your feelings is by staying in, inhabiting and never leaving the land of REALITY. No passports to f*cktardville allowed.
- GET REAL ABOUT HIM: Commit to staying real about who he is. I get that you miss his good qualities and all the good times, but just as you’re allowed to mourn the loss of someone that, for a period of time made you happy and that you shared good memories with, be just as fair to him and to yourself to also remember the things that were not so great. Keep your thoughts and your head in reality. Do you really want a guy that can make you laugh and that looks so great on paper but also puts his “bros” above you and everyone else? Do you really want a guy that you have to constantly downplay and make excuses for his “bad habits” to yourself and to others? Do you really want to be with someone that you always feel like you have to check up on? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone where you loving them means that you’re in pain? and the list goes on and on….and on. If he was so spectacular and knew your worth and what he had to lose, you wouldn’t be reading this now.
- GET REAL WITH YOURSELF. YOU OWE IT TO YOU. READ THIS AND READ IT GOOD AND SLOW: Your inability to let go of a poor relationship is tied to your strong, this-is-it-he’s-the-one feelings for him which in turn, is directly tied to the LACK of positive feelings that you have for yourself. If you were able to acknowledge yourself and your feelings even a fraction of how much you regard his, you would be able to see that all that magic of that beautiful fairytale was just that: MAGIC. Magic that you created, magic that you inflated and magic that you can (and will) HAVE in REALITY because that is what you deserve.
You’re story is so much more wildly interesting, complex and exciting than “I let ‘the one’ slip away. I got hurt. I f*cked up everything. I was never the same and alone forevermore. The End.”
It may be painful to become friends with reality, but once you do it will be a relationship that will last a lifetime and the immediate pain will eventually be replaced with peace, gratitude and confidence in your head and your heart.
This is why there are so.many.people that are hopelessly addicted to so many things. They’re addicted to going out, partying, validation seeking, drinking a bottle of wine on the daily, gossiping, working out, shopping, Instagramming, selfies, “likes,” tweeting, stalking, creating drama, etc. All of that distracts from the pain of their internal and external reality. It’s hard to face reality, it takes guts to take an honest assessment of yourself and it’s even harder to identify where you are responsible for creating more unnecessary pain for yourself and others.
Although it royally sucked at first, once I started to buddy up with reality, I found that I wasn’t creating this fairytale-bullsh*t in my relationships any longer and mistaking a weed for a 2364723645 acre rose garden anymore.
Doing this allowed me to be a better friend, a better girlfriend and a much better date. I became the girl that I always looked up to others for being. I started to look up to myself. I stopped projecting my wishes for happiness onto anyone or anything because I was finally able to give it to myself way more than any of my exes ever could or any of those fun nights where I walked out of the club at 3am with one shoe, a fake eyelash on my cheek and half a soul.
I don’t get as “this is it!” excited or nearly as “there’s no point in carrying on,” let down when I stay in reality. In fact, I appreciate myself and others more because I take comfort in the knowing that what I am feeling and seeing in the relationship is based on truth; on what is actually happening.