You may feel like you have processed, and even accepted, the most painful breakup that you have ever been through. And even though more time has passed than you were even in the relationship for… you find yourself still wondering “Is my ex over me?”  

You know you shouldn’t care… you don’t really care… but you do… but not in that way, but… whatever.

You just need to know.

I always have a laugh when I see quizzes and lists online that prey on the emotionally vulnerable who just want to know, “is my ex over me?” The truth is, your ex may be dating someone new, not acknowledging your existence at all and he/she still, may not be over you. So, if you’ve found yourself depressed after not being able to check anything off of a “is my ex over me?” list/quiz, don’t worry. Just like an illness that could be lying dormant and not yet be producing any physical symptoms, “is my ex over me?” is a little more complicated than the obvious physical signs of someone not being over you.

Even after I had moved on from relationships in the past, I’ve always wondered at some point…

“Is my ex over me?” “Is he struggling as much as I am after the breakup or is it just me? Do I ever cross his mind?”

You too?

Let’s break it down…

“Is my ex over me?”

Years ago, when I was going through a breakup, I remember being really annoyed and hurt that I hadn’t heard from my ex. He was perfect, except he was emotionally unavailable and had zero empathy. I still wanted to hear from him though. I needed to be reminded in the form of social media likes, texts, calls, flowers, smoke signals, and sad voicemails that his life was unbearable without me. I got so desperate, I would have even settled for a drunk dial. I just needed some kind of affirmation that I was not as forgettable as his silence made me feel.

Despite the fact that I could have had a better relationship talking to a wall for seven months, my need to talk things through and get closure got the best of me. I ended up contacting him and embarrassing myself. I desperately needed to know that I meant something to him, that I was missed, and that he wasn’t meeting anyone better who was making him any happier.

I hated the fact that someone who I had given my everything to, wasn’t coming back for me in any regard.

I hated that my absence didn’t make him want to change.

I hated that I was never good enough to be remembered, missed, and acknowledged.

I hated that I gave him another chance. (I emotionally/physically hooked up with him after the breakup and I got hurt/humiliated. Again).

I hated that Mr. Big came back for Carrie. I hated that this always happened in movies and with all of my other friends but never for me.

If you’re wondering “Is my ex over me?” and your ex is emotionally unavailable/narcissistic and consistently treated you poorly in your relationship… You need to understand that your ex was never truly involved or invested in the way you deserve. He/she is incapable of it. And you can’t really get over something that you weren’t ever genuinely invested in. You ex is incapable of genuine investment.

And trying to get answers from them is pointless.

It’s like saying that you’d rather go to a dog groomer for a perfect cut and color than go to the best hair salon in Beverly Hills. You’d rather the dog groomer assess your do’ than someone who is trained and specializes in human hair. You’re offended that the dog groomer isn’t acknowledging your hair cut/color and you believe that your value is diminished because he’s noticing canine’s hair more than yours. Wanting answers and closure from an emotionally unavailable ex post-breakup is THAT pointless and unreasonable.

If you find yourself wondering “is my ex over me?” you’re looking for someone who is incapable of validating themselves to validate you. You can’t give what it is you don’t have. If I don’t have a dollar, I can’t donate one.

I’ve had lots of women tell me “But Natasha, I gave him so much love in the relationship!” No, you didn’t. To give true and authentic love, you have to first have it for yourself. And if you had any self-love, the relationship that you’re trying to get over would never have evolved to this extent (or escalated past a few dates that included a multitude of red flags as the main entrée).

So, “is my ex over me?”

If he/she hasn’t gotten in touch, that doesn’t mean that they are over you or that they don’t care. They could still very well be hurting and missing you. They care, but by not reaching out… it’s clear that they don’t care the way that you want and deserve. 

If they don’t reach out, it’s generally because they can’t be accountable and don’t want to have to answer for anything.

This doesn’t have anything to do with you or your value. And if they try to make you feel like it does, that’s just because they’re banking on the hope that you’re still broken enough to think that the shortcomings of a grown adult are indicative of your lack of value.

Confidence, boundaries, honesty, and kindness are sexy to the right men and women. And those qualities always trump the superficiality of winning the genetic lottery. You’re still not recognizing your value or you would not be wondering “is my ex over me?” 

If you don’t value yourself, you will waste your life waiting for people to “rescue,” validate and love you back to life.

Ultimately, we always attract what we exude (and need to work on). This is why people that enter our lives are sometimes referred to as “lessons.”

Remember: The ONLY person whose validation you’ll never be able to live without is your own.

The girl/guy that these exes always have the hardest time getting over and the one that they ALWAYS end up comparing everyone else to is the one who decided (even if that decision came after a lot of mistakes and embarrassments), that enough was enough. The person who spoke with their actions and the person who, despite their heartbreak, decided that their proverbial hairdo didn’t need to be accessed by the neighborhood pet groomer any longer. 

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.

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42 comments

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Thank you Natasha.
I had these thoughts today.

My prayers have been answered.
You are a saint.

I don’t know how I would move forward if it wasn’t for your words of wisdom.
You are my role model. My warrior! My fashionista.

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Thx you! Love u sista! XO

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Thanknow you,I have these thoughts nowadays. It’s hard to forget all those feelings you had invested. It’s hard when you find yourself comparing every new guy comes to you to your ex. I feel I can’t love anybody in future and it hurts. Natasha, I appreciate you . You just came up with this thoughts that I am struggling these days.
Thank you. I think when we consider if” my ex is over me or not” we actually are not over him yet.

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Bulls Eye! 🙂 Love the Dog Groomer analogy 🙂

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🙂 xo

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That was freakin’ amazing, Natasha! Definitely one that will be printed out and kept close by on those “off” days. Hope you are well! XOXOXO

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So glad it helped! Thanks beautiful xoxo

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How did I exist before I found your site?? I love your articles and whenever I’m feeling down (which seems to be a lot lately) I stop in here and pep back up. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and speaking to us like a concerned best friend….no holds barred. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! ?

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Thanks for making me smile M 🙂

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Yessssss. So much this. I had to share this quote on my facebook, “It shouldn’t take losing you for someone to realize your worth. You deserve to be with someone that will do everything to ensure that losing you will never be an option.” …. So so true. Love your writing… You get me! Love.

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Yay! Thanks babe XOXO

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Natasha for president. Beautifully stated and right on time. Thank you.

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🙂 love u thanks La Toya

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I needed this. After basically throwing myself to my ex over text yesterday and not receiving a reply, these are the exact words I needed to hear. I felt hypnotized and still sadly feel like I need him in my life. But I will move on and regain my dignity.

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That used to be me not long ago. I literally would text him and sometimes I even cry to him biggest mistake ever!! I did a lot to get him back, I used to think I also needed him back in my life and would be extremely sad trying to figure out what was wrong with me and ho to change to get him back. One of my friends told me I was loosing my dignity with him and I got mad we stopped talking for several months when all she was doing was being a great friend trying to make me understand that it was over and he wasn’t worth it, now he talks about me not good and he is dating and dating and I barely moved on from him. It took me a long time to move on but I’m finally doing it also trying to go back to the person I used to be because after him I changed a lot!! I have been reading her blog some posts over and over, I have friends that have been patient and have supported me and finally I can say I’m over him, I still remember stuff once in a while but I guess it’s normal.

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Wow. Been reading your articles for a while and never commented, but this just blew me away! Seriously there is some profound stuff in here and this has helped me to make sense of a painful breakup I have recently gone through. Thanks Natasha for the effort you put into your writing and for telling it like it is. I have read so much stuff, but nothing has helped me as much as this! xo

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WOW!!!!! Been searching the internet for the last week for answers that I thought would give me hope. All along the REAL answer was in my inbox. Thank you Natasha for always keeping it real. This one was right on time. Looking forward to new beginnings.

XOXO

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That makes me so happy! Thanks Mika 🙂 xoxoxo

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I’ve have said before, your timibg with your posts is great. I have been tbinking about tbis but then he started with rumors about me so it confused me ? i know he has been dating a lot he says it all happy how many dates per day he has but none for than one date and also he hasn’t like anyone to take “seriously” since his dad wants him to get married already. I only know of one he did like but she didn’t liked him ? I knew too much of him because we still have mutual friends until I decided that i didn’t want them telling him anything about me which i find out he is the one that brings me up and i don’t want to know anything about him either. So far it has work i don’t anything else about him.

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XOXO 🙂

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OK, this is uncanny timing because I was just thinking, “Does he EVER think about me?”

Natasha, dear, you are so wonderful and this piece spoke to my soul:

“…you need to understand that your ex was never truly involved or invested in the relationship to begin with. You can’t really get over something that you weren’t ever genuinely invested in.”

Right. He’s not over it because he was never in it. Ouch. The truth hurts but the truth will set you free.

Thank you, Natasha!!

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I’m so glad that it served you 🙂 Thanks Katie! xoxo

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Wow Another brilliant star in a sky of great posts .
Thank you ❤️?

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🙂 thanks sista xo

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Ameeeeen sista! Preach baby, preach! My thoughts exactly these days. Glad to not be the only one thinking this way and having come to such conclusions. Please keep writing…you are part of the reason I stay sane after a traumatic breakup. Thank you.

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🙂 Thanks Lily! XOXO

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Boom. Unbelievably true.

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Natasha! I just woke up wondering if he misses me and then read this post. As always, you are spot on.

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Yay! So glad it helped 🙂 thx babe

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You know how much this put a smile on my dial girl… Thank you from the bottom of my heart and do not forget that there will be Australian Vegemite in your future! H xx

“Bloody Wanker!” 🙂

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Lol! 🙂

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Your posts are my bedtime reading, it’s the perfect thing to soak in before I fall asleep. They give me so much hope, strength, and positivity. It’s hard to describe through words how amazing you and your posts are and how you have changed my life. xoxox

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I have been going through a bad break up, and honestly your posts have really helped me. Thank you 🙂

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Thanks Tanaka! That makes me so happy 🙂

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How to decode when your ex texts your friend asking about you when HE was the dumper ?

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Thank you for this blog Natasha, it’s been a big help to me these past few months

What I’m really struggling with, is that I know that he misses me.

He is emotionally unavailable and lives in a different city. He broke my heart a few months ago and left me because he refuses to do long distance, and said that he didn’t “feel it”…..okay that’s fine, I can deal with that.

What I can’t deal with is that he gets in touch with me every few months to say that he misses me, how amazing I am, and how his life is better with me in it than without. He also claims to still have feelings for me, thinks about me, and says that if we lived in the same city that we would be dating. However as soon as I reply to him and tell him that I miss him also and want a relationship with him, he immediately disappears and says that he’s sorry, but he’s only looking for friendship…..WTF?

He ‘s known all along how I feel about him and that I don’t want his friendship, and yet he continues to reach out. Does he not realize that it’s hurting me? Or does he simply not care?

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Hi Beautiful! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this; I know how exactly you feel. I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I can no longer give specific advice in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.

You’re not alone XOXO

Here is the link to the coaching: https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/

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These posts have helped me realize so many things. Thank you.

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So happy that they’ve helped! 🙂 Thanks Adela. XO

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We got together September 27th 2015 & He ended things November 5th 2018. I was 16 when started dating, I’m now 1 month shy of my 20th birthday. I got my Diploma @16 years old & I imminently got a fulltime job with my moms Company. The day I turned 18 i was promoted to Manager & continuously moved up from there so i was constantly working. February 14th 2018 we moved into our own place & even got a kitten. We had lived together the majority of the relationship but this place was all ours!
I have been struggling to cope with things but lately its gotten slightly easier. Reading your blog really empowered me, i mean it really gave me a lot of clarity. Not even a paragraph into the first article i added the blog to my favorites bar for easy access. Its almost as if you picked my brain & took the words right out of my mouth! I just became a huge fan & will continue to relish every article<3

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Thank you so much Natasha. i had been struggling with this question for over a year after the breakup, i feel relieved now.

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So happy it helped Hayley 🤗

You are not alone ♥️

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