You’ve been through the hell that is a breakup and if that wasn’t enough, you’ve just found out that your ex is dating someone new. You can’t help but just KNOW that he’s changed and this time it’s for real. He seems so much happier in this new relationship with this new girl who’s everything you’re not. He seems to have become everything that you ever wished he could have been when you were together. He seems more mature, happier… WTF?!
He’s upgraded overnight while you haven’t shaved in 13 days, don’t want to leave the house, and only want to Facebook and Insta-stalk the crap out of both of them. You think to yourself:
“Every guy I date leaves me and becomes better. I’m nothing but a relational doormat and a breakup launching pad”
“I’m so easy to abandon, dispose of, and forget.”
“Why couldn’t he have been this way with me?” “What’s wrong with me?”
“What does she have that I don’t?”
You start to think about all the nights you’ve spent listening to Taylor Swift music, the trips to the therapist, the conversations with friends, etc., all in an effort to analyze and get over this relationsh*t.
Apparently, while you were doing that, this jerk not only moved on but was probably having sex, great sex, better-sex-than-he-had-with-you-or-he-would-still-be-with-you, kind of sex while you were at home obsessing about every detail of your relationsh*t that was; trying to deal with your broken heart.
You immediately become Liam Neeson in the movie Taken and go into “private-eye-investigatory-FBI-I-don’t-give-a-f*ck” mode. Within a matter of minutes, you’ve located photographic proof via social media that not only has he moved on, but he looks ridiculously happy. He looks better. He looks way happier than he was with you and she looks like everything you aren’t.
You get angry that she can’t see the real him…
The one who cheated on you… The one who liked every hot girl you didn’t knows Facebook and Instagram photos… The one who flirted with other girls… The one who prioritized his ego over your emotional well-being… The one who tried to pick up your friend when she was drunk and “needed to talk…” The one who would.not.stop. texting his ex and then accused you of being insecure for having an issue with it… The one who lied to you over and over and OVER. The one who made you feel crazy.
At this point, you’ve done enough stalking to know all of this new girl’s friends, her job, hobbies, where she frequents… everything.
You’re also scared that maybe…. just maybe… he’s actually really changed this time and that maybe… she inspired him to change. You think of the guy you knew, the guy that was so sweet and so perfect at the beginning of the relationship and you start to think that THAT was the real him and that you must have done something that MADE him act like an emotionally unavailable all-about-me jerk.
This is the ultimate mind f*ck.
THE TRUTH: He hasn’t changed, she isn’t better than you and no – you didn’t do anything to make him act a certain way. I’m not going to stop there because I know that’s not enough. You’re in Liam-Neeson-Taken-Mode. You want to know why. Well, here it is…
I don’t care if he’s gotten 500 new tattoos, if he’s gotten a makeover, seems to have changed in every substantial way, dyed his hair, become a yogi or is volunteering on the weekends rescuing kittens and then giving them to kids with cancer. I don’t care if he’s changed his religion and is dating the preacher’s daughter or if he is hosting weekly S&M dungeon orgies in his basement with a 50 person minimum and 13 goats.
He is STILL the exact.same.guy. at the core.
Remember this, read it over and over and think about the logic of it as you read it because I promise you, if you get out of your own head for one minute and read this (and really think about it), you’ll see the LOGIC:
Thoughtless, emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt, toxic people do not just magically transform into amazing people who just suddenly, after leaving you…
Take responsibility for their actions and are capable of true love, genuine emotional connections, accountability, honesty, loyalty & empathy.
Could you magically change overnight into a totally different person? Could you just change into a piece of crap? Could you morph into the complete opposite of what and who you are? Could you rewire your moral code and magically transform into someone who ignores responsibility? Could you become someone who has zero empathy for yourself or others? Could you ever become someone who possesses zero emotion or feelings and more importantly, could you continue on to be this person with these traits and habits (that you clearly don’t possess and aren’t you), forever?
Don’t give me wrong, if it was a few years back Leo DiCaprio was interested in me and he was a total jerk and I could tell that he would only be with me if I was more like him, I probably would just ignore how he was and try to morph into whatever he wanted me to be because damn, he’s Leo and damn, I need to get over my ex and damn, I want to stop thinking about my ex and damn, I want to create jealousy and drama but at the end of the day, that’s all that it would be – me trying.
Me trying to be something I’m not is not real. And NOTHING real or meaningful (like a solid relationship), can grow from bs. I am who I am; I can’t help but be myself and ultimately, reveal my truth – good and bad. It wouldn’t last long-term because I would eventually reveal my truth and who I really, truly am.
People cannot help but communicate who they are.
Your ex “changing,” is nothing more than him trying to avoid and suppress who he really is.
Do you think that he’s actually changed? That she’s better than you? That he’s happier? He’s not. He’s not a real-life transformer, nor is his new girlfriend and neither are you.
The one thing you’ll never be able to do is make someone completely change out of being who they are. And with his new girlfriend, don’t give in to the compare game. Feel sorry for her that she will get to know soon enough who she’s really with. Think of all the crap she will inevitably be exposed to because she eventually WILL.
It’s hard now and I know how painful it is, but trust me when I say it will be the same pattern. He was this way before you, with you, and he will continue on to be the same way after you, no matter who or what he does.
Remember when you first started dating your ex and everything was perfect and he was everything that you thought you wanted until he wasn’t? The exact.same bs-honeymoon-phase happen with his new flame because he is the exact.same.f*cktard.
People don’t magically become unavailable jerks because the person that they’re supposedly committed to (& have no problem continuing to sleep with and use), isn’t “good enough.”
People communicate who they are from the get-go. We just make the decision to see what we want to see.
We fall for potential the potential of a rose garden instead of accepting the weeds in front of us.
Over time, everyone eventually reveals who they truly are and we, all too often, refer to this as a shocking “change.”
The best thing to do is to remind yourself that the only way a relationship with him could ever work out is if everything is on his terms and if you accept his hurtful actions and patterns (which isn’t possible because if you did that, you may be physically “with” him, but you would be miserable and you would be doing so while chipping away at your self-esteem). Deep down, you know that you deserve better.
You need to implement some boundaries. Start making a habit out of rejecting the poor and hurtful behavior of others, instead of habitually chipping away at your self-respect.
This is how you break your old, hurtful and destructive patterns once and for all.
Remind yourself that no matter how convincing the situation is and how happy he looks in the stupid photos that he posts, he.has.not.changed. Not everything that glitters is gold. He’s already proven to be fools gold.
You are worth so much more than a one-sided, elementary school level relationship.
Let him go hurt, use, mixed-signal, and passively tear down someone else.
She isn’t better than you, YOU are better than THIS.
Keep the focus on yourself and let this be the northern star to your evolution, not the anchor of your demise.
+ If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with me here.