I never knew what emotionally unavailable meant until a few years ago. I had heard about it before and thought it was just some bizarre psychological term that seemed too diagnostic and inapplicable to explore further. How could anyone be emotionally unavailable? What did that even mean?
I began to think about the relationship I was in. I thought about how much I had started to question my reality and how down on myself I had become. I couldn’t help but wonder… “is he emotionally unavailable?”
Emotionally unavailable men are the guys that you feel like you can never read.
They are the main reason Sex And The City had the dialogue that it did.
You will always be trying to analyze and decipher an emotionally unavailable man. Because they are unable to tap into their emotions, they lack empathy. These guys always seem to have a lot of women attracted to them because they are so ambiguous, hard to lock down, and always keep you on your toes. You never fully know how they feel or where they stand. And you can never fully write them off because they’re not quite a great guy but also, not quite a jerk.
Emotionally unavailable men will always give you excuses as to why they don’t want to jump into a relationship right away. They will blame their last breakup, current job, new job, old job, school, sports, commitments, bad timing, trauma, illness in the family, their dog dying, their lack of money… and the list goes on and on and on. They will blame one or all of these things on why they aren’t able to fully commit right now (as if you’re asking for vows to be written and a ring to be purchased).
These guys don’t have any problem with reaping all the benefits of having you as a girlfriend, while not even being a real and committed partner who can answer a basic question. To keep you hooked, they will give you dose after dose of false hope for a future together. They will wreak havoc on your emotions, send you mixed signals, and completely f*ck with your head and heart.
In the beginning, he will be the man of your dreams. He’ll give you all of the attention and care you’ve ever dreamed of but once he has you hooked, he’ll turn cold and confusing. You won’t be able to read it or understand. You’ll think that maybe you did something wrong. So, you further invest and stay in an attempt to understand him better and prove how much you love him. He will then throw you a few crumbs for your efforts and make you feel like the real him (the version that you first met in the beginning) is coming back. It never happens and if it does, it never sustains.
You stay because you become convinced that his disconnection is something that your lack of worth created. You know that he is capable of being what you wanted (because he was in the beginning). So you wait, waste more of your time, and excuse even more of the inexcusable. Everything is on HIS terms. You don’t realize it until it’s too late because you’ve been too busy making excuses for him.
If you’re asking yourself “is he emotionally unavailable?”
Here are (just some) of the signs that you are with an emotionally unavailable man….
- He always talks about his ex/exes. A lot. Without you even asking, he tells you details about his ex that make you feel uncomfortable, insecure and have you questioning your worth. Some of the details are so private, you would be mortified if he disclosed similar information about you.
- He’s in a relationship with someone else, is “separated” but still talks to her, has yet to pick up his stuff from her place, etc.
- He texts you more than he calls you.
- He doesn’t label the status of your relationship. You never have “the talk.” You desperately want to ask him what you guys are doing or if you are exclusive, but you also don’t want to scare him off.
- He’s always making excuses. He makes excuses for everything. He’ll make plans with you and you’ll get all excited and prepare. He’ll then have an excuse for having to cancel at the last minute, not show up, and then promise to make it up to you in some grandiose way that never really happens. He ditches you, reschedules, and flakes. At the last minute. Repeatedly.
- He tells you that he isn’t ready to be in a relationship but is still with you – stringing you along, hooking up with you, and giving you false hope. He doesn’t seem to empathize with this or with you at all. He doesn’t really ask you about yourself, your background, your family or seem to want to get to know you or your loved ones.
- He picks and chooses when to respond to your calls and texts. He’s unreliable and there’s no consistency. Sometimes he is very responsive and other times you’ll see that he read your text and he doesn’t respond for days.
- He can’t commit to anything and is extremely selfish.
- He doesn’t involve himself in your life. He also doesn’t seem to empathize with you when you’re going through a rough time. The only time that he seemed to display empathy or be what you wanted him to be was before you slept with him.
- His room/home looks like 50 college frats took a collective sh*t on it.
- You feel like you don’t connect intimately during sex. He doesn’t look at you or kiss you during sex and you feel like you’re in a bad porn most of the time. He’s quiet. Like, weirdly quiet. He doesn’t ask you what you like or what you’re into. He just assumes this is the greatest you’ve ever had and goes through the motions while you fake your way through “nirvana.”
- He doesn’t refer to you as his girlfriend with friends and family. He may also not even introduce you to them. When you ask about it, he says that he doesn’t want anyone to ruin what you guys have.
- He tells you that he has a lot of issues to deal with right now.
- He’s not into holding your hand or other forms of PDA.
- He tells you that he can’t give you what you want right now, but has no problem taking what you have to give in the meantime.
Emotionally unavailable men cannot ever connect emotionally because they are emotionally constipated. And your job is to be a partner in a mutual, mature relationship. Not a laxative for an emotional infant.
The red flags are there and “a mistake made more than once is a decision.” Don’t DECIDE to stay, thinking that you won’t find better. Stop thinking that you can heal/fix someone out of being who they are and that you can change and be better for them. You are already better.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.