“Is he emotionally available? & if so, how do I know for sure?”

This is a question I get asked a lot and one that I’ve struggled with for years because I kept complicating a natural detection process that was stupid simple. I kept getting in my own way, going over speed bumps at 100mph, and wondering why my suspension was f*cked and I couldn’t stand on both emotional feet.

Once I figured out how to spot an emotionally available guy before oxytocin, ovulation, “I’m-going-to-be-special-enough-for-him-to-change,” and “be-my-baby-daddy,” kicked in, I was able save myself time, tears and obliterated self esteem. I was also able to contribute to my own confidence and ultimately become my own emotional gatekeeper (I’ll talk about my own emotional unavailability in another post this week), because remember – like always attracts like.

I know I talk a lot about emotional unavailability here on PMS – how to spot it and how to understand it – but what about how to tell if he’s emotionally available? And not just the guy you’re with… How about being able to spot emotional availability in friends, coworkers and family members?

Just like with empathy, being emotionally available is the ultimate game changer because if you’re with a guy that’s at best emotionally constipated and at worst, emotionally bankrupt, you’re in “SOS-abort-mission-now,” relationsh*t territory.

Being emotionally available, having empathy and being in a genuine, healthy and mutual relationship all go hand in hand. You can’t have a fully functioning, healthy relationship without BOTH partners being empathetically present & emotionally available, just like you can’t have a beating heart without blood pumping through it.

Sometimes when we begin to learn about emotional unavailability, we get so caught up in spotting the emotionally unavailables that we forget how to spot the people that actually HAVE their emotional sh*t together. 

& the great thing about being able to detect whether someone is emotionally available or unavailable is that once you truly know, it’s the ultimate liberation – You stop feeling crazy, you stop feeling insecure and you no longer tie your reverse narcissistic value to someone being and doing something that was and is completely independent of you and your worth. You let go of expectations and you put an end to the perpetual disappointment.

“Is he emotionally AVAILABLE?”

Here’s how to know for sure… 

{like I said, it’s stupid simple}

First, let’s start with identifying what being emotionally available is NOT: 

Having a great personality, passion, chemistry, looks, degrees, money in the bank, humor, coolness, success, ambition, talent… ALL of those are great things to have and achieve, but they aren’t prerequisites to emotional availability. Don’t fool yourself.

Here is the only (& easiest) way to know if someone is emotionally available:

You’ll know someone is emotionally available if your relationship with them is easy.

You heard me. EASY.

Yeah, we’re all told that relationships aren’t easy and that they take work and while that is true, I’m referring to emotional ease here.

When you’re in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally available, there’s no questioning, no anxiety and no mortal combat mind games. There’s no guessing; no wondering how he feels or what he’s thinking.

There’s no being convinced that he can go find better because his ACTIONS don’t motivate your mind to go to those places of fear and insecurity.

When you’re with a guy that has emotional connectivity and availability, you feel safe, secure and at ease in the relationship. You don’t ever find yourself questioning how he feels or if he’s committed to you because even if you did, his emotional availability provides an environment where you would feel safe in communicating those anxieties to him.

Emotionally available guys allow you to feel safe in communicating your truth and being yourself – just as you are. This is how true love is often described and why I believe it such a rarity.

If you’re like I used to be and your self esteem is nonexistent, you’ll know that you’re involved with someone who is emotionally available if you feel bored/blah.

Why?

You’ve been conditioned to believe that unless validation seeking blood, sweat and tears have gone into it, it’s not valuable. Basically, if you don’t have to work for it, it holds no value to you. This is how negative relationship patterns and beliefs are established and the longer you stay in this state of delusion and keep subscribing to the self-paralyzing beliefs, the harder it becomes to undo.

Don’t forget – I can’t stress this enough…

  • We ALL ultimately attract and are attracted to relationships that reflect the relationship that we have with ourselves.
  • If we’re emotionally unavailable, we will spend our lives chasing after the validation of people that lack emotional availability as well.
  • We will always end up with people that makes us feel how we deep down, feel about ourselves.

We sabotage good relationships or get “bored” with emotionally available guys because we have yet to un-constipate our own emotional backup and deal with our low self esteem. We look to other people to “make us happy.”

You’ll know if he’s emotionally available by the ease in which he consistently makes you feel. And when you have healthy levels of self esteem, that sense of consistent emotional consistency will get your libido going. Not some asswipe with a a nice smile and the emotional span of Peter Pan.

Emotionally unavailable guys rely on cheap talk, excessive words and empty, future faking promises.

And you deserve so much more than words.

– natasha x

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22 comments

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I love your site Nathasha, and it’s been an eye opener to say the least! The one thing that I’m still a bit confused about, is, how can you tell if a guy is emotionally unavailable or just not that into you?

I just got out of a 3- month ‘relationship’ with a guy who told me I was the coolest girl he’d ever met, that he could totally see himself being happy with someone like me, he enjoyed spending time with me, he had never had such a connection with a girl before and “no, the sex wasn’t just for the sex, he genuinely liked me”.
At the same time though, he kept saying he was shy, that he wanted to take it slow and that he’d never had much success with women in the past (he’s 36 btw). I had to do most of the chasing and suggesting where to go on our dates, seeing me once every 2 weeks was enough for him and the sex was the least connected I’d ever experienced with a guy. When I called him out on how wishy-wishy he was, he told me he wasn’t sure there was enough of a spark, but that he wanted to see if that could grow in time, but that he would understand if I couldn’t wait for him and if I wanted to end it. After that I gave it another week, but thank god my self-esteem kicked in and I told him I couldn’t do this. I got a nice ‘sorry, take care’ text and haven’t heard from him since.

Is this emotional unavailability? What is the difference with not being into someone?

Thanks so much!

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You are amazing 😍 This helped so much!!

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You did it again Natasha. Love this and love you!!! 🙂

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Love you too sister!! xoxo

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Love your unique style of writing!! Thank you!

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Thanks Lia!! 🙂 xx

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I really needed this today. Thank you, Natasha.

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I’m so happy that it helped! Thanks Janessa 🙂 XO

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this is super awesome post….
so true ….the way you described evrything…..
you rock girl …. your posts really get me going….
keep up the good work!!!

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Thanks babe! 🙂 XOXO

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awesome post….
every single word perfectly described
you rock girl
keep up the good work!!!!

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Hello natasha , love your posts. I wrote to you yesterday but i dont remember under which post so i will write again.

My ex boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me one and a half month ago.
He is an introvert and i was his first gf when he was 23 due to the fact that he was indifferent to women and relationships in the past. He was my second boyfriend. He was very kind and sweet but never told me what bothered him and always kept emotions built up in himself. I could say he is a loner because he likes staying home to cook and watch series, he has a few friends and doesnt like going clubbing . He likes to play playstation and do other activities. His parents are divorced and he is an only child. Anyway, during the relationship i travelled for a few months each year abroad and he seemed to like the idea. Last year unfortunately i got ill and it was feeling vulnerable and told him to move in together but he told me that he wasnt ready , that he felt that when its forced he doesnt like it and that he wants to stay with his father ( we live in different cities one hour away) . I then became cold because i felt he didnt love me and he explained that it wasnt my fault he just wasnt ready. Then i went for a trip for 2 months and wasnt telling me i miss you as much etc. then i told him about the moving in but said that we had reached a dead end. When i came back i told him to break up but then changed by mind. The next day we got in a fight about something more personal and he broke up with me on the phone and didnt wonna see me or get into the relationship details. Now im healthy and i dont feel the need to move in with him and i told him that but he didnt change his mind. The first month i begged and he answered to all my msgs and calls but accentuated that he wanted to stay just friends and told me that we should see in the future what happens. We also met 2 times after the breakup and told me silly excuses about the breakup like i didnt like some of his friends and that i had small jealousy issues. I was shocked by the way he broke to me over phone ( he is 27 now) and he didnt give me another chance. I initiated the nc rule it was day 8 and he text me happy name day and asked me how my weekend was etc. what do you think natasha ?

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Hi!

I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or time in the day. This is why I can no longer give advice in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Thank you so much for reading and for understanding. You’re not alone xxxxxx

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Hi Natasha
This helped immensely and things are actually beginning to make sense to me now. Though one thing continues to baffle me. My educated guess tells me he was emotionally unavailable to his ex wife as well, but he loves his daughter a lot and is super emotional about her. How can he feel so much his daughter and otherwise be such a consistent jerk

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Hi Meg! This means so much to me; I’m glad that it helped! I have a lot to say about this; I will try to write a post on this subject soon 🙂

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This is a very interesting and incredibly helpful. My boyfriend broke up with me the day this post came out. We were together for almost a year and half and was discussing engagement, marriage etc just a few weeks ago. He’s always been the one who’s more interested and I was more hesitant given that he’s my first and only boyfriend despite my age (I’m 30 and he’s 34) and I’m his longest relationship. I wanted to be certain.

Well, he broke up with me after I came back from an overseas trip, in front of my house and got angry with me when I said “ok”. (I mean, what else could I say?). He accused me as not knowing how to love and how he wishes best of luck for the next man etc.

I never imagined him to be so cruel and so lacking in respect. I’m still torn in pieces about it. Maybe it’s all my fault? Maybe he’s emotionally unavailable? We haven’t contacted each other since the breakup. I miss the him he was when we were happy….I feel so hurt and betrayed and still need help gaining a sense of perspective……

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Hi Daphne! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this; I know how exactly you feel. I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I can no longer give specific advice in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Thank you so much for your love, for reading and for your understanding. You’re not alone XOXO Here is the link to the coaching: https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/

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hi i was dating this man for 6 years hot and cold ignored for months sometimes. it really broke me and exhausted me the blaming the lying etc. i have now ended it it took a long time i am 58 i cannot live a life like this. Anyway by accident i came across your posts and i had to laugh myself to a stupor from the things that you say the word fffftart was so cute as i needed this today.

I am now sort of seeing someone else as its been 7 months with the eum of being ignored just once in a while a blame sms from him. The difference between the guy i am now seeing and the eum is massive. I still dont know what to do with the new guy though as i keep on expecting the worse

I also think eum can easily strip your inner core bare as i have experienced, its unreal and a vicious rollercoaster ride non stop 6 years ive wasted false promises, nothing i did ever WOW him enough he said. Excuses were plenty. i do blame myself also a bit as I allowed for this to continue for so long. I kept going back and i shouldnt have. But again thank you as tonight i really laughted i needed it so badly,

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I’m so happy that it helped!! Thank you Esperanza 🙂 XO

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I dated this man for one year. I started out a little unavailable myself but continued to do alot of inner work. After one year I just wanted to melt into it all and be vulnerable and tell him my feelings for him. I asked him why it didn’t work in his past relationship
( To get the conversation started) He said the dilemma was she was in love and he was not so I say “How do you feel about what we’re doing? He says “Well that’s the dilemma, I’m not head over heels in love. So I said “Well I love you, so I think this is over. ” He was shocked I was breaking up w him! Ugh. This guy shattered my heart. He hasn’t been “in love” since he got his heart broken 10 years ago. That’s a very long time. I think hes now emotionally unavailable because it seems like a pattern w him. Its been 2 months since ive seen him and it still hurts! Getting better but I miss him still.

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You are not alone Kelly. Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xo

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