I never knew what being a narcissist even meant until a few years ago. It was right around the time that I learned what being emotionally unavailable and having boundaries meant.

Emotional unavailability and boundaries are 2 things that I talk about a lot because once they can be identified, they will undoubtedly transform your life into an existence that is so much better, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you just how good it can be.

After going through all of your amazing comments and speaking to a group of women earlier this week, I realized that I hadn’t yet discussed what a narcissist is; how you know if you’re involved with a narcissist, how to know if you are something I like to call “a reverse narcissist,” what the difference between someone that is emotionally unavailable and someone that’s a narcissist is, etc.

HOW have we not discussed this yet? A lot of emails I get are from women that think they’re going out with a narcissist and need to know more. More is on the way…

This is going to be post # 1 in a 3-part series because just like with boundaries and emotional unavailability, which I’ve written numerous posts about, breaking down the different questions, myths, and concerns regarding narcissism is going to take more than just one post.

First off, what is a narcissist? 

I’m not a psychologist, but I do have a black belt / expert level Jedi / honorary PhD in f*cktards

This is just my non-professional, “street cred” opinion so here it goes:

I believe that narcissists present themselves as someone that:

  • Comes across as excessively and grandiosely important.
  • Needs validation, admiration and the reassurance/knowingness that they’re in control (they always need to be in the driver’s seat of their relationships, conversations, friendships, you name it).
  • Has a serious lack of zero empathy.

Before you start going through your mental rolodex of everyone that’s a narcissist in your life (it’s generally more people than you thought), stay with me…

If your dude exhibits a few (I’d say around 3 or more) of these, it’s time to investigate further.

Here are 20 signs that he’s a narcissist…

  1. He’s jealous of others and always talks about how other people are jealous and envious of all that he is and all that he has. He likes to bring up “the haters” in his life. He’s like a walking rap song.
  2. He speaks in an almost fantasy-like way. He’s clever enough to not come across as totally delusional (especially to other narcissistic or insecure people), but he always likes to talk about his successes and over share about how amazing all of his achievements are and will be (note: this is different from being a positive person and manifesting positive experiences into your life because the narcissistic way of doing it is all ego. There’s a big difference – one is generally off-putting and the other is not, your gut will know).
  3. He’s a walking, talking & living contradiction.
  4. He’s void of character (can’t match  his words with his actions), but always stresses the importance of character and will even go as far as posting inspirational quotes on social media (barf), so that everyone can know that he sweats, pisses and sh*ts integrity. (lol. I’m in bed on a Friday night making myself laugh out loud).
  5. Thinks that others “hate on”/care/want to know about/are jealous of/ talking about him way more than they actually/ever are.
  6. He is image obsessed and somehow makes everything about him. You could be talking about how you broke your arm skiing and he’d bring up how he broke his leg in 2nd grade. He’s a master at making everything about him, one-upping and deflecting. He’s very competitive.
  7. He’s a validation, attention, affirmation, admiration whore.
  8. He loves being associated with important, influential and powerful people and really likes to “make it known,” through social media and/or word of mouth that he’s banged, is friends with, is working with, is putting together a deal, etc., with high-powered, well-known people.
  9. I just came up with this term… he’s Empathetically Bankrupt. Completely void of empathy, but will all to easily go and volunteer, read to his Grandmother at the retirement home, rescue a puppy, run a marathon for a good cause… as long as he can Instagram it or let others know about the do-gooder / savior that he is.
  10. Thinks that he’s God’s gift to women.
  11. Will look you in the eye and tell you that every single women that he’s ever been with has never, ever faked an orgasm with him. He’s sure of it. Positive.
  12. He’s a user. He uses people as a means to an end.
  13. He’s convinced that he’s extra special, totally unique and that he’s constantly misunderstood.
  14. He feels very self-important. Gets a great deal of pleasure from seeing how many “likes” and “comments” he gets on his photos. He also can be “follower obsessed” on social media.
  15. Doesn’t think of your feelings and how his behavior, actions or lack thereof will affect you. Like, everrrr.
  16. He’s an entitled ninny and expects a certain level of treatment from people (read: expects others to know that he’s special/important/cool just by being graced with his presence), no matter how poorly he treats and devalues others.
  17. He feels that he should always be everyone’s priority.
  18. His arrogance is suffocating.
  19. He gets really angry when he’s challenged, confronted or questioned.
  20. He makes you continually question your worth, actions, and value.

I’m going to stop at 20 even though I feel like I could keep going and going. When I was typing out those 20 signs, it’s crazy because it reminded me of people in my past and it reminded me of a few people who I know in my present, but most importantly, it reminded me a hell of a lot of how I used to be. Not all, but some. Yeah, definitely. And I’ll get way more into that in the next 2 posts.

So what do you do if you’re dating a narcissist? 

The first thing that you need to ask yourself is “what am I truly getting out of this relationship?” “Am I just staying in this relationship because I’d rather be with him and miserable than be alone and be even more miserable because I don’t have my own back, have no self esteem, no confidence, and am avoidant and scared to address my own issues and clean up my side of the street?” Ask yourself those questions, make friends with reality and go from there.

It’s bad enough to be involved with a guy that has ONE of the above 20 signs, but when you’re nodding your head going through a few that resonate, it’s time to buck up that white horse and get out. 

I used to date narcissists because they exuded this bravado that was infectious and addicting. Insecure, validation seeking people love narcissists because we look up to them, we think they’re cool and we think that our value gets driven up by mere association with them.

When I dated narcissist after narcissist, I did so because I got to avoid my own issues (that were screaming for immediate attention), and the narcissists that I dated reflected the way that I felt about, treated, and viewed myself (which, in case you didn’t know, was like absolute sh*t).

This is why I always stress how important it is to be aware of the kinds of relationships and men that you are attracted to and involving yourself with. I can’t stress this enough – Our relationships always reflect the relationship that we have with ourselves. It’s even more important to notice your own patterns so that you don’t keep getting sucked into emotionally draining, mind f-ing, unhealthy relationships. You deserve so much more and you know it.

If you’re waiting around hoping for a narcissist to change, don’t waste your time. They never do. 

Your comments, your feedback, your love, your stories and your strength have brought me to tears. Thank you for believing in me, thank you for connecting with me and thank you for sharing your truth. I am forever honored to be amongst this tribe of awesome and so wish that we could all have a giant girls night in and I could hug each and every one of you in person. Maybe one day soon I’ll travel around. You never know 🙂

Love to you all. xx

I’ll be announcing the giveaway this weekend so keep checking here and on my Instagram, for the details on how to enter. The winner will be announced next week, before Christmas. Really excited about it and you know I’ll have gifts for runners up as well.

xoxo

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19 comments

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Hi Natasha, what a great topic. How would I be able to distinguish between a narcissist and an emotionally unavailable person or he is just not interested ( he is just polite and kind, nothing more to it) or he is just a big flirt???
I do recognise some of the bullet points in me or people in past. How could I be so stupid not seeing through it and eating the bs? Sometimes I get disappointed in me for being involved with certain people in past and disappointed how I handled.

I am so looking forward to next parts Natasha.

Shahane xxxx

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Hi Shahane!

Here is the post on the difference between a narcissist and an emotionally unavailable (if you haven’t already seen it): https://postmalesyndrome.com/does-emotionally-unavailable-narcissist/

Don’t beat yourself up. Be kind and have compassion for yourself. If it weren’t for my past stupidity, there would be no blog to read.
The brightest light can best be seen in the darkest darkness.
You would not have attracted and come across this blog if you hadn’t evolved and weren’t 100% ready to make these past insecurities and inabilities to see people/situations for what they were, your epiphany.

You are a beautiful soul Shahane. Thank you for your continued love and support. Thank you for your courage and for being so willing to share your feedback, your experiences and your truth here on the blog.

I’ll have part 3 up tomorrow 🙂 xxxxxxxx

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Natashaaaa, this is what I needed!!!!! Holy crap, it’s like he somehow showcased these traits throughout the entire time (validation,attention-seeking whoring around LOL). I remember when he blew hot and asked questions like “Since you accepted my date, that means you think I’m cute right? Right???” I thought it was strange and the excessive gift-giving was even stranger. But finally, after all the wooing, I let him into my heart. BIG MISTAKE. He discarded me without a second thought when I instilled my boundaries about being consistent in an emotionally healthy relationship (before sex again). Now he’s posting on instagram with long yellow gloves in soup kitchens, showing off his career ventures with a thousand hashtags, wearing slacks (which he claimed he hated). I hate the fact that i actually thought (maybe if i comply he could’ve showed me this “amazing” side) instead of his old supply ex. CRINGE. No! If he was really amazing, he would’ve never emotionally manipulated me, future-faked, and disappeared on me so cruelly. *Flips hair, stays on white horse*

Much love, hun!!!! Keep these strength boosters coming 🙂 You are brilliant.

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Bria! Lol! I’m smiling ear to ear!! Your energy and level of awareness despite your heartbreak is infectious and inspiring. You GO girl! I’m right behind you on my white horse 🙂

Thanks babe!… and remember, it takes one to know one – YOU are brilliant, stronger, wiser and more beautiful and irreplaceable than you even know.

I promise to keep writing; I’m not going anywhere 🙂 xx

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I almost checked off everything on this list! This is such a great blog because it doesn’t just help us deal with the aftermath of a toxic relationship but it also helps us recognize our patterns and behaviors that lead us to getting sucked into them- it’s not a bandaid it’s a cure. I’m eager to read the next two parts! Awesome post again Natasha! You really cause me to do some deep introspection and ever since I’ve started reading this blog my life has definitely improved 100% in every way <3
xoxo

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Thanks babe 🙂 xoxo I’ll have part 3 up tomorrow.

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Had to come back here and remind myself why I dont want him to come back like he’s done multiple times. My ex is a joke but I still get so mad and want to cry and punch things because I’m the one who gets burned and he’s already moving on falling for someone else and I don’t even deserve a word about the romantic situation changing. So please tell me Natasha, I do have the right to get mad that he told me he wanted to get back together, treat me better and we were gonna talk about it but then a week or so later total silence? Like I’m the asshole! I’m so angry my insides feel like they want to combust! I want to kick his pretty little face into what his character really shows me…I just feel so defeated…he even ruined my favorite moving on song to this new girl…Top it off with he blasts on fb God has blessed him with His mercy and now he is a disciple of Jesus and everyone is like “your heart is so beautiful” , “so proud of you”. Seriously? So if she’s a blessing what the hell was I? Your time to sin and now I’m just yesterday’s trash? Help me make sense of this one because my mind and heart just wanna go comatose til the end of the world comes

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Hey babe. I understand what you’re going through and the emotions that your are feeling. To answer your question, yes, you definitely have the right to be mad.

Remember:

1) A mistake made more than once is a decision. DECIDE now that although you can be hurt/sad/angry/upset, you can also decide to be done.

2) Anger is better than sadness. Use your anger to propel you to move forward.

3) Lol. The God stuff, the quote posting, etc., ALL of that is him trying to put out there how he wants to be portrayed. Remember: when you want to be portrayed as a good person, or your do a good deed, you tell everyone. When you truly are a great person, they.tell.you. he’s just trying to tell people who he wish he was. If you really are that way, you don’t need to announce and exploit it on social media. It’s laughable.

If you need any additional help you can connect with me here: https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/

xoxo

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Hi Natasha, I soaked up all your amazing, life-saving posts in a day and I was wondering if you could do a rebuttal or response piece on the pervasive dating advice constantly touted to women that enables emotionally unavailable men to have these fringe relationships: “play it cool,” “allow him to pace the relationship (I.e. you can never text him first, ask him out or EVER initiate the talk)”, “expect him to pull away, don’t reach out, when he does come back welcome him with warmth so that he can see that he can trust you not to freak out when he needs ‘man cave’ time, and he will feel closer to you” etc. All the boundaries we work hard to discover for ourselves and act upon are apparently not “feminine” which is why men will supposedly feel depolarized and withdraw because they don’t feel like a man around us (the advice places the blame on the woman). I followed this advice for years and I just found myself making excuse and excuse for the neglectful and hurtful behaviour of emotionally unavailable men and I often bertrayed myself, dismissing my needs as “unreasonable” and I needed to be more “independent” when what I truly wanted was a mutual and reciprocal relationship with togetherness/closeness which you talk about so often here. Rori Raye, Katarina Phang, and Renee Wade are some of the most succesful coaches in their message that we must seek to understand men and polarity and I have no doubt their advice and methods have served many women, I just wanted your take on that particular school of thought as your posts and overall message really resonate with me. All the best and keep up the fantastic work!!!

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Hi Jackie! Thanks for reading and for your insightful and awesome feedback. I completely understand what you’re saying and agree with you. A lot of the “traditional advice” (that there no shortage of), is one of the main reasons that prompted me to start PMS. Different methods work/resonate with different people and that’s okay. The advice that people seek, attract, absorb and agree to adopt, is dependent on so many factors. One of the main factors is the willingness to be vulnerable and to take accountability for oneself, which is very hard to do (it took me over 2 decades to do so).

I will definitely think of a good way to approach this subject. Thank you again for your support, perspective and for sharing your wisdom and awareness. You’re amazing 🙂 xoxo

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A LITTLE MALE PERSPECTIVE

Hi Jackie, I know it’s been almost 2 years since you posted this, but I thought I’d shoot you a little advice and male perspective. First and foremost if it helps I myself am still very hurt over the way my last relationship ended, and it’s been 7 months. My ex dumped, erased, and replaced me on Xmas, left her folks place with loves and kisses thinking everything was great and that we were moving into together soon. Well by NYE, 5 days, she had already moved into another guys place and had him over her folks place to celebrate NYE. Within a week or so they bought a puppy, she got a job, and supposedly quit drinking (she’s an alcoholic, and worked maybe 2-3 months the 2yrs we were together). Recently I found out she’s 3-4 months pregnant, which really upset me. The guy ran into the guy she’s with roughly 1-2 months before Xmas and introduced me to him as her boyfriend. Apparently she used to hook up with his older who’s my age, I’m 31 now, back in high school, so she’s known him for a long time, and randomly ran into their mom back in October. She said I was a terrible boyfriend and felt like we were just friends at the end, however she cheated on him with me in March. Anyways that’s what I’ve been going through and have no doubt in my mind that she’s a Cluster B personality. So men aren’t the only ones who pull this sh*t.
As for you and other women who claim to not understand men and try to follow scripts/rules, it’s very simple. MEN DO NOT LIKE TO PLAY GAMES, NOR UNDERSTAND HOW. We are very simple, so treat us that way. Don’t play hard to get, because we think you’re not interested. We do like to chase and a challenge, but just make sure we’re aware that you’re interested and we’re not wasting our time. However this can go the other way too. The fastest way to lose a guy and turn him off is to be needy. We value our independence and firmly believe in the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” So I guess what I’m saying is treat us the way you would make a new friend, in regards to the amount of contact/communication/interest, because I’ve never of a guy being turned off because a girl contacted him first. In fact most guys I know, myself included like to be chased and have no problem with the girl making the first move/s.
Lastly and most importantly, and I know this will upset a lot of women and I’m sorry but it’s true, WE ARE NOT MIND READERS. Are you? Then why think we are? If you want something, are upset, what have you communicate. Talk to us. I understand the reasoning behind it, that it’s very comforting, loving, and assuring that we are aware of your needs and emotions. Unfortunately, most men are not, which I am guilty of from time to time. It’s not that we don’t love and care about you, we do, it’s that things to upset you don’t upset us, so we don’t think anything is wrong or don’t think to ask/offer. Also men are vocal, we say how we really feel and ask when we want/need something, because of this we assume the same from women. Sorry but that’s it. I know it’s romantic and charming for us to without question consul you when you’re upset, or help out when you need help, and some men do, but we aren’t wired that way.
Sorry for the long and late response. I hope this helps, and that you’ve met an amazing guy, that love each other since you posted this. I’d love to share my full story and get some female perspective myself.

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Hi Lars! Thanks for sharing 🙂

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Your blog seemed to reflect everything I’ve gone through for the past 3 years of my life. I ignored red flags consciously in the love bomb phase… In retrospect, there were more signs to narcissists than you listed, especially if they are covert narcissists. The red flags I ignore:

1. When I’m mad at my friends he told me to drop them from my life. They serve a purpose at the time but doesn’t serve the same purpose anymore.
2. We went to a brewfest and were alloted a generous amount of tickets and he proudly told me he fake dropped in tix to the vendors. I asked him why he eould do that, we have more than we need. He said they don’t care. I said, they obviously do or they won’t implement this system.
3. He would use my purse to steal coasters from bars. I’d turn a blind eye because they are cheap coasters but when he wanted to swipe a tasting glass, I told him I’ll just pay for it. He felt indignant and told me it’s no big deal and people do it all the time.
4. He didn’t have Amazon prime account and told me he’s late in getting his family Christmas presents and asked if I can use my account for quick and free shipping. He told me he’d pay me back. He never did. This guy makes a decent living, but all this is reflects his sense of entitlement.
5. His gifts to his friends and family are usually groupons to things he’d like to do. He justifies that it’s a gift to them to spend time with him.
6. We’re at a very popular beer truck sale and we’re alloted only one case per person. We’re waiting in line and he looks very distant in thought. I ask him what he’s thinking. He told me he’s just hypothetically fantasizing about creating a distraction and driving the truck away.
7. He’d take things home from work… Not just pens and papers, but shovels and gloves… Boxes of them. He calls it “repurposing.”
8. He always text his ex back and she’s very intrusive in his life even though she’s engaged to another man. I was annoyed and told him so but he continued communications with her. I’m not the snooping type but I did go on his computer that he left on and read that he slept with her before I was dating him but she was already a year deep into her relationship with her now fiance. They continued to sext one another up to the point he was dating me. Then it just became mundane conversations. He did turn down a dinner offer from another ex but told her to not stop inviting him in the future. That was a year into our relationship. WTF?!?! Unlike what you stated, he wanted me to move in with him right away, has no problem with PDA, showed possessiveness but doesn’t stop him from being shady as fuck.
9. I came clean with the snooping and he got so mad at me for not trusting him and told me it’s his biggest pet peeve that people consider him untrustworthy. I explained that the actions he has taken is evidence that he’s not trustworthy. He pretty much didn’t talk to me for a week before texting me wondering where I was sounding all concerned.
10. Whenever he’s sick and I can’t be there to take care of him, I order him food, delivered and paid for. My arm got into a burn accident and he showed no signs of reciprocal care. Sounded annoyed when I told him I feel crappy.
11. I told him it’d be nice for him to ask me how my day is once in a while. He got really mad at me telling me that my expectations of him changed… He can’t pretend like he can comply to that and even if he did, he’ll go back to what makes sense to him. If I have something substantial to tell him then I should do it otherwise he doesn’t do trite things like that. Wow. Just wow.
12. His breaking up with me was ghosting me after being in a relationship with me for 2 years. Dangling me by throwing me good morning and good night here and there until I can’t take it anymore and broke up with me for him.
13. He continued to use my HULU account a month after we broke up and I decided to change my passwords on him.
14. He hovered months later telling me how he is looking back at our memories with a smile especially when he’s having a bad day. He told me he still doesn’t have anyone in his life. I flat out asked him what his intentions were because I have no interest in being a part of his harem of exes to boost his ego. He got mad at me telling me I always blow things out of proportion and I have grandiose accusations.
15. I detailed his actions of ghosting, dangling, ignoring etc… As his exit strategy then posting on various social media THE DAY OF our breakup of him laughing and having a good time is very hurtful. He never apologized. Threw it back at me that emotional outbursts like this reminds him why he broke up with me. I clearly told him emotional out bursts are reserved for when I was still in a relationship with him and didn’t have time to reflect. I’m not emotional, just highly analytical right now. I told him that it’s quantifiable fact that he isn’t capable of apologizing. He told me he’s not sorry for what he did or how he did it, he’s sorry I felt inconvenienced. I told him inconvenience is if I have to sit at a tarmat for 3 hours with a screaming baby on a plane. What he did was emotionally traumatizing and abandonment issue inducing.

He still isn’t capable of apologizing. He’s wooing someone else now. Good luck to her. She’ll need all of it. Poor girl. BTW, I hope she has a ton of money because I foot 80% of all our incurred expenses while we’re together. We live under different roofs but somehow, I ended up paying for his furnishings, his clothes, his grocery bill, all our dates, hotels and travel and fine dining… And I didn’t even live with him. He always bring up how he doesn’t make enough to save and makes me feel like I want to take care of him. I ended up cooking for him and doing his fucking laundry. Did I mention I didn’t live there?

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Hi Dee,

WOW. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. You are so beautiful, wise, aware and I’m so glad that you’re out of the toxicity now. Thanks again – sharing your truth and experiences is not only therapeutic, but you’re helping so many by doing so <3 xoxoxoxo

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Thank YOU for posting that entry regarding if he’s missing me. I’ve read so many things and talked to a couple of shrinks after the breakup. The trauma was so bad I experienced dissociation for the first time in my life. Your entry helped me because you pretty much put into words everything I’ve been trying to piece together in my brain. I know I’m not completely out of this nightmare yet psychologically so every little bit helps. Speaking of nightmares, I was experiencing nightmares on a nightly bases and couldn’t sleep well for months. I’m so sorry you or anyone can remotely empathize with me let alone wording my thoughts so completely and articulately in a blog. It’s good to see you doing well. It gives me hope. Thank you.

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I’m so sorry Dee, I know how painful it is. I’ve been there, I speak your language and you’re not alone. Thank you so much for your sweet message. I can and do completely empathize with you.

I’m doing really well 🙂 There is always, always hope. I’m excited for all of the good that’s coming your way. All my love to you sister xoxo

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OMG, found your blog tonight and am OBSESSED! Thank you for being you, love.
I just broke it off with a guy I was dating. He was very manipulative and did not give a damn about my feelings. Always blamed everything on me and made me feel like complete crap.
Thank God I broke that off! I deserve so much better. Your blog is really helping me to see what kind of man he is. I was nodding my head to like all 20 hahhaa.

So glad I found your site!!

xoxo
Jodeci

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Thanks soul sister! So happy that its helped and proud of you. You deserve so much more 🙂 xo

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In the past couple of years I’ve been involved with zero empathetic type of guys that had really make me question my worth towards them… the first one left me for not being “the girl he thought I was” the next did not show up on my birthday (then I found out he was dating someone else), another one had multiple girlfriends besides me, and the last one disappeared out of the blue after promising a future together (it was a long distance relationship) he suddenly stoped answering my texts and calls. All of them are good looking and successful, I’m still trying to find out what is it in me that selects these time of man. I guess I am only attracted to successful hot man that probably have many woman to choose from. They are very aware of all the options they have and they suddenly decide that I’m not good enough to stick around… I know these guys are all “fucktards” or narcissists, for the way they treated me, but then again I wonder if I improved my looks, my career or I acquired a more confident mindset would make them stay… I am a mess in my head and can’t stop thinking what is wrong with me to make all these man disrespect me so much… and I don’t know if there is a relation between good looking successful guys (which I like) with narcissist womanizer behavior. Do you think if i was better they would have stayed? And the thoughts of the other girls they left me for being a better catch than me torture me every night… sorry if I made any grammar mistakes, English is my second language… greetings from Venezuela! Keep up the amazing work!

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