Emotional unavailability and boundaries are 2 things that I talk about a lot because once they can be identified, they will undoubtedly transform your life into an existence that is so much better, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you just how good it can be.
After going through all of your amazing comments and speaking to a group of women earlier this week, I realized that I hadn’t yet discussed what a narcissist is; how you know if you’re involved with a narcissist, how to know if you are something I like to call “a reverse narcissist,” what the difference between someone that is emotionally unavailable and someone that’s a narcissist is, etc.
HOW have we not discussed this yet? A lot of emails I get are from women that think they’re going out with a narcissist and need to know more. More is on the way…
This is going to be post # 1 in a 3-part series because just like with boundaries and emotional unavailability, which I’ve written numerous posts about, breaking down the different questions, myths, and concerns regarding narcissism is going to take more than just one post.
First off, what is a narcissist?
I’m not a psychologist, but I do have a black belt / expert level Jedi / honorary PhD in f*cktards
This is just my non-professional, “street cred” opinion so here it goes:
I believe that narcissists present themselves as someone that:
- Comes across as excessively and grandiosely important.
- Needs validation, admiration and the reassurance/knowingness that they’re in control (they always need to be in the driver’s seat of their relationships, conversations, friendships, you name it).
a serious lack ofzero empathy.
Before you start going through your mental rolodex of everyone that’s a narcissist in your life (it’s generally more people than you thought), stay with me…
If your dude exhibits a few (I’d say around 3 or more) of these, it’s time to investigate further.
Here are 20 signs that he’s a narcissist…
- He’s jealous of others and always talks about how other people are jealous and envious of all that he is and all that he has. He likes to bring up “the haters” in his life. He’s like a walking rap song.
- He speaks in an almost fantasy-like way. He’s clever enough to not come across as totally delusional (especially to other narcissistic or insecure people), but he always likes to talk about his successes and over share about how amazing all of his achievements are and will be (note: this is different from being a positive person and manifesting positive experiences into your life because the narcissistic way of doing it is all ego. There’s a big difference – one is generally off-putting and the other is not, your gut will know).
- He’s a walking, talking & living contradiction.
- He’s void of character (can’t match his words with his actions), but always stresses the importance of character and will even go as far as posting inspirational quotes on social media (barf), so that everyone can know that he sweats, pisses and sh*ts integrity. (lol. I’m in bed on a Friday night making myself laugh out loud).
- Thinks that others “hate on”/care/want to know about/are jealous of/ talking about him way more than they actually/ever are.
- He is image obsessed and somehow makes everything about him. You could be talking about how you broke your arm skiing and he’d bring up how he broke his leg in 2nd grade. He’s a master at making everything about him, one-upping and deflecting. He’s very competitive.
- He’s a validation, attention, affirmation, admiration whore.
- He loves being associated with important, influential and powerful people and really likes to “make it known,” through social media and/or word of mouth that he’s banged, is friends with, is working with, is putting together a deal, etc., with high-powered, well-known people.
- I just came up with this term… he’s Empathetically Bankrupt. Completely void of empathy, but will all to easily go and volunteer, read to his Grandmother at the retirement home, rescue a puppy, run a marathon for a good cause… as long as he can Instagram it or let others know about the do-gooder / savior that he is.
- Thinks that he’s God’s gift to women.
- Will look you in the eye and tell you that every single women that he’s ever been with has never, ever faked an orgasm with him. He’s sure of it. Positive.
- He’s a user. He uses people as a means to an end.
- He’s convinced that he’s extra special, totally unique and that he’s constantly misunderstood.
- He feels very self-important. Gets a great deal of pleasure from seeing how many “likes” and “comments” he gets on his photos. He also can be “follower obsessed” on social media.
- Doesn’t think of your feelings and how his behavior, actions or lack thereof will affect you. Like, everrrr.
- He’s an entitled ninny and expects a certain level of treatment from people (read: expects others to know that he’s special/important/cool just by being graced with his presence), no matter how poorly he treats and devalues others.
- He feels that he should always be everyone’s priority.
- His arrogance is suffocating.
- He gets really angry when he’s challenged, confronted or questioned.
- He makes you continually question your worth, actions, and value.
I’m going to stop at 20 even though I feel like I could keep going and going. When I was typing out those 20 signs, it’s crazy because it reminded me of people in my past and it reminded me of a few people who I know in my present, but most importantly, it reminded me a hell of a lot of how I used to be. Not all, but some. Yeah, definitely. And I’ll get way more into that in the next 2 posts.
So what do you do if you’re dating a narcissist?
The first thing that you need to ask yourself is “what am I truly getting out of this relationship?” “Am I just staying in this relationship because I’d rather be with him and miserable than be alone and be even more miserable because I don’t have my own back, have no self esteem, no confidence, and am avoidant and scared to address my own issues and clean up my side of the street?” Ask yourself those questions, make friends with reality and go from there.
It’s bad enough to be involved with a guy that has ONE of the above 20 signs, but when you’re nodding your head going through a few that resonate, it’s time to buck up that white horse and get out.
I used to date narcissists because they exuded this bravado that was infectious and addicting. Insecure, validation seeking people love narcissists because we look up to them, we think they’re cool and we think that our value gets driven up by mere association with them.
When I dated narcissist after narcissist, I did so because I got to avoid my own issues (that were screaming for immediate attention), and the narcissists that I dated reflected the way that I felt about, treated, and viewed myself (which, in case you didn’t know, was like absolute sh*t).
This is why I always stress how important it is to be aware of the kinds of relationships and men that you are attracted to and involving yourself with. I can’t stress this enough – Our relationships always reflect the relationship that we have with ourselves. It’s even more important to notice your own patterns so that you don’t keep getting sucked into emotionally draining, mind f-ing, unhealthy relationships. You deserve so much more and you know it.
If you’re waiting around hoping for a narcissist to change, don’t waste your time. They never do.
Your comments, your feedback, your love, your stories and your strength have brought me to tears. Thank you for believing in me, thank you for connecting with me and thank you for sharing your truth. I am forever honored to be amongst this tribe of awesome and so wish that we could all have a giant girls night in and I could hug each and every one of you in person. Maybe one day soon I’ll travel around. You never know 🙂